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Vern sees LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (remake [not CHAOS])!
SPOILER ALERT !!
LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT REMAKE
WARNING: This review contains spoilers for LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT remake, LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT original, VIRGIN SPRING, CHAOS, THE HILLS HAVE EYES remake, and URBAN LEGEND.
Well well well, what do we have here? Looks like a remake of a Wes Craven movie, already unofficially remade as a Demon Dave DeFalco movie, itself based on an Ingmar Bergman movie based on a 13th century ballad based on a legend of why a particular Swedish church was built. I'm not sure the modern moviegoer is concerned with the origin story of the Kärna church, so we gotta wonder what exactly the reason is for this remake. The answer, of course, is that the original movie was first called KRUG AND COMPANY, they didn't call it LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT until it had been traveling around for a while. They made it up after the fact, it didn't really mean anything, so in the movie they never mentioned the location of the house. I saw the trailer for the remake where somebody's driving down a road and says "it's the last house on the left." This is the reason to remake it, you can finally go back and establish that!
Well, actually that line's not in the movie, and come to think of it there are no other houses in the area at all. "Last house on the left" is not an accurate description of this house. It should be called ONLY HOUSE ON THE STREET. So I guess geographical accuracy is not in fact the reason for the remake. The reason is because they're going through IMDb and just remaking every god damn movie that ever existed.
Fine, I'm used to that. But LAST HOUSE is much weirder to remake than FRIDAY THE 13TH, HALLOWEEN, etc. because it's not a fun type of horror movie. It's a movie about a gang of fugitives raping and killing two innocent girls. It shows death as ugly, awkward and slow. Craven was a first time director, a former college professor and pissed off about Vietnam. He didn't want to make a cool horror movie, he wanted to rub our faces in ugliness.
In the original ballad "Töre's daughter in Vänge" (which was not, in my opinion, about Vietnam) two girls coming home from church run into three herdsmen, they refuse to marry them so the herdsmen chop off their heads. Then the herdsmen try to sell the girls' silken robes to their parents, who figure out the deal and kill them instead, and then feel bad about it so they build a church. In Craven's version the parents sure don't build a church. They build booby traps. There is no search for spiritual redemption or sign from God like in THE VIRGIN SPRING. But when the dad is chain sawing these fuckers it's not part of the fun, it's part of the tragedy that decent people have been turned into savages by these sickos who finds girls in the woods and make them piss themselves. In other words it's an angry, filthy movie that pretty much means to make you sick. And (accidentally, I think) it's made even more upsetting by a lame comic relief subplot about wacky cops trying to catch the bad guys.
To be honest I hated it when I first saw it, but I learned to respect it over the years. A remake doesn't offend my purist sensibilities, it just makes me wonder what they're thinking. How do you capture that I-need-to-take-a-shower feel in a multiplex between Coca-Cola slides? It was different when they were showing it in drive-ins under different titles. This one is heavily advertised on TV to the same kids who went to see MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D. Some dudes and their girlfriends want to see a movie together, one of them's already seen Taken so they decide well, what about this horror movie, says it's from the guy who did Nightmare On Elm Street.
Is that really a good idea? I'm not sure, but I'm happy to say that I think this is one of the good remakes. The director is Dennis Iliadis of Greece. His first movie was HARDCORE, an over-the-top but effective movie about two teenage prostitutes. This one has the same respect for its characters and careful eye for visuals but with more stylistic restraint. Instead of trying to fake the grit and grime of the original he approaches it as an art movie, kind of like FUNNY GAMES without the lecture and fingerpointing.
One weapon the movie has is good acting, something most modern remakes as well as the original LAST HOUSE are lacking. In a short amount of time the movie establishes both the parents (Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter) and the girls (Sara Paxton and Martha MacIsaac) as believable people and not just horror victim types. And playing Krug is Garret Dillahunt of DEADWOOD, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN and TV Terminator fame. He's a genuinely scary lead villain, a maniac, a charismatic leader and a strict father all in one.
But I knew Dillahunt was good. More of a surprise is Spencer Treat Clark as Krug's son Justin. Instead of a conflicted junkie as in the original (or a little kid who Max Von Sydow throws against a shelf as in VIRGIN SPRING) he's more of an innocent caught up in all this because his dad brings him along. Come to think of it this is a theme in Craven remakes. Like in THE HILLS HAVE EYES, the younger, nicer member of the clan is played as more of a real person and less of a cartoon than the first time around.
After all the SAWs and HOSTELs you might think they'd up the ante of violence to make it disturbing. Actually I think there's less screen time and sadistic imagination dedicated to the torment of the girls than in the original (or especially CHAOS). Nobody has to wet their pants in this one, but Iliadis isn't fuckin around either. The difference is that he has established the characters as real, and the violence as ugly. There are no fake jolts on the soundtrack to make you jump. But you do have to see a very young looking actress being degraded and raped in an I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE-like manner. It's not a good time at the movies. I don't recommend popcorn or nachos for this one. Also I'm no matchmaker or nothing but, uh, not a good choice for a first date in my opinion.
In my review of HARDCORE I said that since Iliadis obviously related to his victimized female characters he should make one of the girls survive, barely make it back to the house and participate in the revenge, to make it more personal. He did part of that but instead of making her an avenger she's dying on a table and this makes the story much more intense because the parents have to defend her. Now it's not about them taking an eye for an eye, it's about them being willing to beat a man with a fire poker if that's what it takes to protect their daughter.
By the time the gang are staying at the Collingwood house (on the left, can't miss it) all the pieces of the game are set up. We know the players, we know the geography (main house here, guest house there, tool shed out there, car crashed in the woods) and the rules (no head chopping or kung fu, just lots of painful bashing and stabbing). It becomes a hell of a thriller, a tense cat and mouse sort of deal except you're not always sure which ones are cats and which ones are mice.
At the end of URBAN LEGEND it turns out the killer is Rebecca Gayheart, because they killed her boyfriend so she was getting revenge. They thought they killed her but they never found the body and then the story of her murder spree becomes an urban legend in its own right. Ain't that a bitch? Crazy shit in these movies.
Anyway I'm not sure who exactly I'm recommending LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT REMAKE to. This is more on the WOLF CREEK side of horror where people might hate it for being effective. If there's eyeballs and intestines popping out it's silly and you can laugh but there's less to defend you from this one. So it's only for certain tastes and then alot of those people are not gonna want to see it because they don't want to see a stupid remake. But just take my word for it this is one of the smarter ones.
Here's a question for you: what (if anything) is the best of the modern wave of horror remakes? I think most people would say DAWN OF THE DEAD (from the visionary director of 300), and they might be right. It might be the most entertaining. I like that movie but I do have to hold it accountable for abandoning all the themes of the original. It's a fun movie but for me the original is even more fun while also making more of a point and having more of an emotional effect on me.
So I lean toward a much less popular choice, THE HILLS HAVE EYES. Like this one it's a Wes Craven production. In both cases he was hands on, helped choose the European directors and had a hand in the development of the scripts. I thought Aja's version of HILLS was great because it elaborated on the original's mutant mayhem but stayed true to its class warfare subtext, its mythic depiction of an All-American family clashing with mutant savages and becoming just like them. You can never match Michael Berryman but you can definitely improve on some of the sloppy filmatism in the original HILLS, and I think in many ways Aja did.
But then there's this one god damn scene I hate, where the character "Big Brain" has to make a big speech EXPLAINING to us why the mutated residents of this bombed out mining town resent the rest of the world. Come on dude, our brains might be smaller than yours but we're not morons. We get it. And we liked it so much better before you started blabbing about it. Thanks alot asshole.
LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT REMAKE doesn't have a scene like that. It's more consistent than HILLS, and actually more consistent in tone than the original since it ditches the cop characters and sticks with the one story. I was surprised to find myself wondering if it actually is better than the original.
But then the movie ended. And I'm sure most people would prefer this ending to the sort of thing I think it should have. It's a real crowdpleaser, a show-offy kill you gotta give credit for even if they were assholes to give it away in the trailer. I admire its ingenuity and what not but in my opinion this is a killer ending for some other movie that is the opposite of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. They have just spent the entire movie treating the subject matter very seriously, giving the characters intelligence and avoiding cheap thrills. They ditched the idea of revenge dehumanizing you, but they did have a sense of morality. They're going nuts in defense of their child but they're not indiscriminately killing. Until this last scene where, if I understand correctly, the doctor has brought his maimed daughter for medical care, then returned to his house without contacting any authorities so that he can then perform a sadistic and elaborate Dr. Phibes style murder on the guy.
So 99.9% of the movie stays true to Craven's "violence is horrible" philosophy, then the end is "ha ha ha, lookit the head blow up." DeFalco's CHAOS dumped the meaning of the original in favor of a "WHOAH, THAT SHIT IS FUUUUUCKED UP" type ending. This scene is less pretentious but as much of a betrayal of the original. It didn't feel right seeing everybody laughing and walking out of this movie with smiles on their faces. Nobody looked like they needed a reminder that it was only a movie only a movie only a movie.
Oh well, it was unfun while it lasted I guess. And still one of the better remakes.
--Vern
http://www.geocities.com/outlawvern
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Any good?
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...all news of Watchmen sure seemed to vanish off this site overnight, didn't it?
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especially if vern didn't like it
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......multiple career-killers, huh? Just sayin... I promise Harry, this is my very last word on the subject. Don't ban me, bro!
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Great and intense movie until the cliched ending ruins it?
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I've not been a fan of... violence horror (not sure what to call this genre but it's all I can think of at the moment) as many such films blend in to me when I see the cases at the rental store. But you've managed to articulate some elements of the genre in ways I hadn't considered in this review. So or that I thank you. I don't think I'll be seeing this film or others of its kind but I think as a layperson and general film fan, I understand some of the intricacies in building a better production. I do agree that having good actors only helps good horror produce the proper effect (like say Invasion of the Body Snatchers or The Thing) and wish more horror films would take notice of this fact instead of relying on just visual or audio effects to prop up less talented actors. Once again, I thank you Vern for this piece and look forward to your next.
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As your description of the original ballad is pretty off. There was only one girl for a start... And the fact that a spring welled from the dead girl's body arguably WAS a sign from God. The poem was written as another in a long line of religious propaganda, just WAAAAAAY more subtle than the kind we get whacked over the head with these days.
I posted the ballad over on IMDB HERE: http://tinyurl.com/dym5nz. I'd give it a read (not just Vern, but whoever's reading this post). It beats jerking off to Google Image searches of Malin Ackerman.
Otherwise, another awesome review, Vern. I thought you promised to lay off these horror remakes in one of your Friday reviews the other day? Although I guess the most horrific thing about the original Last House... was the Benny Hill-style light relief with the cops!
Now I just really, fucking hope Demon Dave shows up to jazz up this talkback a little. -
...And I honestly cant imagine, that aside from name recognition, there could possibly be any reason to remake this flick. Chaos is pretty much a perfect remake anyway, a shallow, foul, pointless borefest filled with cheap and lazy film making. Oh, I'll still watch it though. And for some reason, even though I fucking walked out on Last House the first time I watched it, I jerked off to I Spit On Your Grave.
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That kind of happens when... you know... the movie comes out. Maybe that's the reason...
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Shit, I might see this motherfuckrer now...eh..prolly not...
BUT...I'll buy it when it comes to DVD. I loved The Hills Have Eyes remake, thought it was pretty brilliant. -
Mar 10, 2009 6:29:36 AM CDT
THE ORIGINAL IS SHIT, THE REMAKE IS SHIT, NO SUPRISES THERE...
by 1978creepythinman
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to the original Last House on the Left? One of the most bizarre Dvd-watching experiences I've ever had (after Abel Ferrara's commentary for King of New York). David Hess is MORE crazy than Krug, and that porn star guy who played his partner-in-crime is just about as scary and seedy as they come. The girl who played the female member of the gang (she's actually quite straight in real life) also sat in on the commentary...I felt sorry that she had to remain in the same room as those lunatics for over an hour!
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had some interesting themes that were poorly executed. I can't say I'm terribly interested in the sequel. In other words, go see The Virgin Spring instead.
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He will rip your head off and piss on your nipples if you even think about trash talking him! Can someone please post a link to the Chaos talkback? It is without a doubt the best TB in AICN history - much better than the Baleback and infinitely funnier
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I thought I'd get too freaked out, like how I've purposely avoided early John Waters films. I did see Salo, though, so I don't think I'm a big baby.
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defends man-on-horse relations... What is it about Vern that inspires legendary talkbacks?
And anyone notice how the phrase "torture porn" has completely sunk out of the geek lexicon. I always suspected it was used by the kind of people who should stay a million miles away from these kind of movies, anyway. Note to those guys: not every movie is made for every person, thank fuck! -
...that came up with this one?
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I remember renting it as a kid, started watching it, and turned it off.
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Can you imagine the word of mouth that would have gone out if they had just let that scene sneak up on audiences? Hell, it could have been the next best thing to not giving away the ending to The Sixth Sense (unless you know, you're actually observant and figured out that Bruce Willis was dead at the start).
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Dave "Dipshit" Defalco. Fuck me that was funny. "PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A JUGGFUCKLING"
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...you have a point. I did promise to shut up. So I will.
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"Honey, our daughter just crawled into the house wounded, bloodied and barely alive... do you think we should perhaps get her to a hospital, or maybe call an ambulance for her...?"
"Good idea, honey, but first, let's arm ourselves, go to the freaks who sleep in our guest house and spend an hour or two committing TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION! After that we'll rest and then we'll take care of our wounded, bloodied and barely alive daughter."
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With Daniel Craig as 'Wolfgang'.
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I still maintain that Equinas wasn't really fucking horses. I think it was some undergraduate's social experiment. The most disturbing part of that talkback was the number of people he convinced that horse fucking was legitimate.
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Certainly nothing by "the visionary director".
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I might have bought it if his name hadn't sounded so much like "Equine Ass."
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(and, more importantly, the talkback): http://www.aintitcool.com/disp lay.cgi?id=24309.
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David Hess is one of the best movie villians in history. This remake can blow me. I refuse to see it. I saw My Bloody Tampon and Friday the Suck remakes and as the great rock and roll band The Who sings, "Won't Get Fooled Again."
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I know there's probably a The Exorcist and a The Shining remake in the pipeline somewhere, but for the most part these remakes are just of old movies that only have an iconic villain or a decent premise but are otherwise pretty lame. Sure, Jason is cool looking, but I don't really like any of his movies other than Jason X where he ventured more into comedy. And I hadn't heard people talk about 'The Hitcher' or 'My Bloody Valentine' until the remakes were upon us and even then the hardcore horror buffs had a hard time working up any believable rage over sacred territory.
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Not the bees! My eyes!
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It's interesting that Craven hasn't used any of his clout from Red Eye to make another movie - that was a successful, well-reviewed thriller wasn't it? He hasn't done much since then (co-wrote the disappointing Hills remake sequel but that's about it), and his next project is apparently Scream 4. Really? I guess he's just sitting back getting fat off the paychecks from these remakes John Carpenter-style. Looking forward to the new version of Deadly Friend (who'll play the robot-brain killer this time? My money's on Beyonce) and of course Platinum Dunes' redux of Music of the Heart.
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...And while I loved it, it was the versions sans "Not The Bees!". Still a wonderful film. The commentary track is amazing too. They discuss all the events completely as if nothing funny was happening at all, and its revealed that the most insane moments of the film were Cage improvs/ideas. Watch Neil Labute discuss Cages deep thought process behind the "GIVE ME THE BIKE!" scene.
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That's the prequel we need.
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Anyone actually rented that? House Of The Dead: The Funny Version by Uwel Boll? I think I might next time. Just to see what the fuck it is.
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Let's just give Vern the lion's share of reviews from now on.
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I rented My Demon Lover when I was like 12 solely to masturbate to it. Jesus, things were tough pre internet.
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Thought it wasn't very good. The music was laughably bad as was the "acting." It was made in '72 I think and was Craven's first effort, so I'll cut him some slack. It did have some good parts and I'll catch the remake sooner or later.
ALSO, Spandau, Mick Garris did that made-for-tv Shining remake about 10 years ago with Rebecca Demornay and that guy from Wings. I didn't like it much... the little kid bugged the crap outta me. But the Stephen King commentary on the dvd was entertaining & interesting. Otherwise avoid. -
Anyone care to explain?
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And evn part of the Freddy Mythos I'm thinking Wes Craven kind of enjoyed the whole rape thing. He seemd to really get off on it. Maybe Roman Polanski was innocent after all, maybe it was Wes Craven who drugged up and butt raped that kid. The evidence is there. Seriously though, If I had a chance to interview him I'd have to ask "So Wes,you seem to like including rape in alot of your work,Whats up with that?" just curios.
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I barely knew which of the ten movies you reviewed you were talking about at any given time. And where did that Urban Legend paragraph even come from?
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But whinynegbitch. Seriously, save yourself time and DO NOT rent the house of dead: uwe boll. its legit the worst movie ever made, and not even in a fun or good way. Youll lose a few hours YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK. stay away man. far away
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No pants pissing in Last House on the Left means I won't be seeing this!
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Pumpkinhead: They very carefully set up why they are stranded at the house, don't worry about that. And not just "my cell phone is out of range."
solongyoubastard: Craven has a new movie coming out some time this year called 25/8 I believe. And I do appreciate that he doesn't sit back and collect the check like Carpenter, he is a hands-on producer in these. Didn't do much good for Hills Have Eyes 2 though. -
I'm really curious how that will play without the "I feel like a total creep for watching this fake snuff film" feeling. Hopefully this 70's 'lost in the woods' horror remake trend won't go all prestigious with a 'Deliverance' remake. That would be pure shit.
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Martin Kove that played the galloot deputy in the original, which I think is a link to Dewey in the Scream series.Best horror remake..?? I have to admit I preferred the American The Ring versus Ringu. But thats probably just me.
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Seems our sensibilities on these things fall right in line with one another. I, too, was enjoying the hell out of Hills Have Eyes until that goddamn overweight elephant man started droning on about the "men with their bombs" shit. I really hope one of these days we get another great horror film like some of the ones that we got in the late 70's, early 80's. One that takes itself seriously and doesn't feel the need to cater to the thick.
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BITE YOUR TONGUE!! God strike down anyone who thinks that film could be bettered. Probably make it with some young twentysomething EXtreme sports fanatics, white water racing who come across some backwoods terrors. Make sure you give those backwoods boys a backstory, too. Flashback to how they were abused as young 'uns. Shit!! I may be giving Rob Zombie ideas!!
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You learn something new everyday.
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i realize it's a remake, but when you open with "spoiler alert" i have to stop reading. please, give us a brief review then you can break into the spoilers, please.
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they should have remade this with skinny/nerdy teenage boys as the victims....or, not remade it at all.
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All the talk about 'good people" turned into acting like savages??? WTF when peoples loved ones are treating like these poor girls..its a short trip to the Stone Age..because human kinds darkest secert is that NOTHING, not money drugs, power etc is more hardwired into our brains than defending our loved ones and yes destroying those that harmed them..nothing except surival itself and some may think they are one and the same comes close.
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That was one long ass review bit I will give Vern credit. I just associated him with an argumentative TBer. It was long but clear and well written.
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I will officially sue. Hey, it's America. I can, right?
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you should stop by here more often...
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last I checked, quite a bit was missing. It gets even funnier when you read it years later and all out of context. Just wild..
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It's been announced since last June. I don't know how far along they are but I Spit On Your Grave is indeed getting remade. I know, I know, it's shitlords.
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They should UNMAKE it.
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is far and away the best of the new horror remakes.
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Doesn't get LHOTL. The pants pissing is the foundation of the story!
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agreed!
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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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when I saw Watchmen with my mom (yes I saw it with my mom, what of it?) we saw a trailer for this and she said to me "ooh, I'd like to see this!' :|
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I watched it on HBO once expecting it to be bad and was shocked by how pretty much awesome it was, the sequel is pretty damn bad though
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WTF RU doing?
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http://www.aintitcool.com/node/30194
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