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Massawyrm Tiger-Uppercuts STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN LI and calls it the must see bad movie of the season!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Some movies are so terrible that they transcend the mortal realm of what was intended and instead become something so spectacular that you dare not blink for fear of missing a second. They are movies that make you cry out in glee and howl at the screen as each attempt at being cool or funny or inventive instead fails, tripping over itself time and again in a series of blunders so magnificent that it defies every expectation. And as you’ve probably guessed by now, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li is just such a picture. A moist, gaping hole of sanity, this film is repeatedly fucked by its own incompetence, its mind numbingly awful script, and its complete and utter inability to even sustain its own logic.
In other words, it is one of the greatest things I have seen on screen all year.
Never boring for a minute, SF:TLoCL strives to break away from its source material – to find a story outside of the story in some vain hope of creating something better than it is adapting. Take everything you know about the STREET FIGHTER series of games and set it aside. No seriously. Take it out of your skull, put it in some of that Tupperware you keep in the bottom drawer and bury it in the back of your freezer never to be seen again. Because that’s exactly what the filmmakers did here. And it’s the only way to make a lick of god damned sense out of it. Let’s be clear on one thing: this ISN’T a god damned Street Fighter movie. There are streets. And there is (occasionally) fighting. And the main character is named CHUN LI – played by SMALLVILLES Kristin Kreuk. And that’s about where the similarities end.
There is no tournament fighting of any kind in this film. I repeat. There IS NO TOURNAMENT FIGHTING anywhere in this film. Not a single street fight for money. I counted 5 characters from the game, INCLUDING the film’s namesake – six if you count someone who has a name but not even a passing resemblance to the character he may or may not be based upon. NONE of these characters make any sense in the setting in question. You'd think being set in Bangkok, they might include one of the handful of Thai characters from the games in the film. But no. Not even Sagat. M. Bison, a blonde Irish man born and orphaned as a baby in Thailand (0_o) but mysteriously possessing an Irish accent that is apparently hereditary, is buying up waterfront property in the slums along with his man servant Balrog (played by Michael Clark Duncan.) Bison kidnaps Chun Li’s father and Chun Li, believing he’s dead continues on with her life…that is, until she receives a mysterious scroll. Don’t ask. It doesn’t mean shit. It just manages to put Chun Li in the right place at the right time to be told to go to Thailand and wander around aimlessly until a secret kung fu master decides she’s ready for training.
So she wanders aimlessly. Kung Fu master Gen finally finds her. Training in martial arts, blind fighting and causing a big glowy ball of CG bullshit to hover above your genitals ensues. But don’t worry. Despite a complete and utter lack of any physical traits that make her resemble Chun Li at all, she is incredibly hot, and will perpetually distract you from most of the boring crap this movie has to throw at you. If there’s anyone I’ll watch wander aimlessly for five minutes through the slums, it is Kristin Kreuk. In fact, the one scene they actually make her look like Chun Li at all, wearing the blue dress with her hair in those adorable buns, she looks mind numbingly awesome. She does this lesbian dance scene and strikes poses that connect with primal instincts that cannot be described in terms without using phrases like “exploding dicks” and “self generated lubricant.” The films ONE single, intentional note hits perfectly here. And then returns to its regularly scheduled suck.
Sure, what follows is this whole revenge plot and some fucking McGuffin with a girl that is supposed to be M. Bison’s weakness but instead gets left behind when the plot doesn’t need to get everyone in one place any more. But you don’t (and won’t) care about any of that once you lay your eyes upon the film’s REAL star. Chris Klein. Oh yeah – THAT Chris “American Pie” Klein. He plays Charlie Nash, who many of you will remember as Guile’s Vietnam war buddy killed by Bison only to return in the prequel. But what the fuck did I tell about that shit? Put. Your brain. Away. This Charlie Nash is an Interpol agent on the trail of Bison and his crime syndicate Shadowloo.
Charlie Nash possesses two things. The first is a magical plot thread finding computer that instantly can give him news stories Sherlock Fucking Holmes with Google and a fistful of clues couldn’t find. And the second is ATTITUDE. Serious, real, honest to god 80’s attitude. Imagine every bad cop movie you saw in the 80’s and try to remember every Don Johnson impression you ever saw in those movies. Now multiply that by the biggest number you can think of. I’m talking government bank bailout big. THAT’S how fucking awesome Chris Klein is in this. He strikes poses. He hangs up his phone with a whip of his head and the phrase “NASH OUT!” He effortlessly puts together complicated plot lines, then manages to oversimplify them to the point that a mewling idiot could understand it – all while managing to sound surprised and shocked at his own brilliance with a Keanu Reeves like level of film confusion. He then bumbles and stumbles his way through the plot, completely ignorant of the fact that he actually doesn’t have anything to do. So he FINDS things to do. Even if it doesn’t make a lick of god damned sense.
Every moment he’s off camera the film is lacking for it. He doesn’t have a place anywhere in this movie, and yet, you cannot take your eyes off of him. I want so desperately, SO DESPERATELY, to believe that Klein was doing this intentionally. That he read the script, saw the zeroes on the check and said “Fuck, it. If they’re gonna offer me a shit sandwich, I’m gonna eat it with a fucking smile.” Seriously. When you’re done here, google some photos of him from the film. Note the ever present stubble, the look of unbridled, determined intensity. No way does anybody think that looks cool. Not anyone that didn’t just wake up from a coma, that is. That said, I’m not denying that this film might have been made to capture the all too oft neglected “coma patient” demographic. It certainly feels like it’s playing to them.
This is shit. Really, really, really bad shit. And I don’t think a single one of you is surprised. It lacks a single, genuine, perfectly executed moment that doesn’t come across as completely ridiculous. Written as if they were quite literally making it up as they went along, it is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve seen since IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE. And it certainly falls into the category of must-see terribleness along with it and its predecessors THE COVENANT and TORQUE. This movie made me giggle and cackle with glee. It was incredible. A mind altering, fit inducing, asstastic mess of epic proportion. If you ever believed they could actually make a good Street Fighter movie, this movie will make you weep bitch tears. But if you enjoy a bad movie – I mean a really, truly awe inspiring, god awful piece of shit – then this is your midnight movie. Get some beer. Some friends. And get ready to have your ass handed to you by one Mr. Chris Klein and one miss Kristin Kreuk.
They will rock your fucking world. And you just might understand why I love the hell out of this drooling moron of a motion picture. Put away your “Come out from behind the curtain wizard,” and get ready to “NASH OUT!” Just don’t expect anything resembling a Street Fighter game.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
Got something for the Wyrm? Mail it here. NASH OUT!
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i'd still do chunli.
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I hope so anyway....damn delay
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Me, Grimlock say you second.
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The trailers looked like shit, the cast is shit, so it's not surprising the movie is shit.
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But I cuncur that KK is a major-league hottie who was horribly wasted on Smallville. Great eye-candy for the boys to match Tom Welling - the eye candy for the girls and gays (he is one handsome fellow)
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should be direct to DVD. I need to get a job in Hollywood. I got some good ideas for movies that would blow shit like this and Clue remakes out of the water.
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HAIDOKEN.
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This does look hilarious
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"as each attempt at being cool or funny or inventive instead fails, tripping over itself time and again in a series of blunders so magnificent that it defies every expectation"
Would you say it's the cinematic equivalent of the infamous internet video of the black karate dude with nunchucks? -
Too few movies have those. It's a shame, really.
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if it has nothing to do with the game.......
ugh... why bother... -
I was bent over laughing through half this review. Almost (ALMOST) as good as Neil Cumpstons review of Grindhouse you guys posted last year. Way to give it to em Mass. Someone should find a way to email this review to everyone who financed that movie. Maybe they will get the hint. Take all the money that financed all Uwe Boll failures, this 'Street Fighter' movie, the larry the cable guy DTV movies, and Jumper, roll it into one big pot, and you have enough money to make TWO badass HALO movies, gaurenteed to generate a bazillion dollars. QUIT FINANCING THIS SHIT HOLLYWOOD! QUIT MAKING BAD VIDEO GAME MOVIES! YOU ARE KILLING ANY CHANCE OF QUALITY ONES BEING GIVEN A DECENT BUDGET AND DIRECTOR BY MAKING THIS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. -
Shadowloo?
...SHADOWLOO?!
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Bison is the head of the criminal mob Shadaloo. Chun-Li's father disappears and she hunts down Shadloo & Bison to find him. Charlie helps her do so. She trains with Gen to gain martial arts skills. Balrog and Vega work as some of the major lieutenants to Bison in Shadaloo. Now, clearly, all that stuff is taken from the game storylines (mostly the Alpha series). Also, I feel compelled to note that shockingly few of the Street Fighter games actually have tournaments in them - the entire Alpha series seems to be about people who run into each other by accident and decide to pound the shit out of each other on a whim.
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the commercials are just calling it street fighter,
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The JCVD version or this? "Quick, change the channel!"
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I like me some 'so shit it's actually great' movies, and the lesbian dance scene is the sweet cherry on top of the shit pie.
Bring it on!!!! -
I couldn't have cared less about this film until I read this review. I plan to see SF:TLOCL
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Nothing can top how joyously dumb the first one was. That was a truly good 'bad' film.
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Feb 27, 2009 9:32:03 AM CST
It lacks a single, genuine, perfectly executed moment
by stormshadow4life
"The films ONE single, intentional note hits perfectly here"
so which is it? -
You mean this movie isn't the Street Fighter movie we've all been waiting for?! I never would have guessed in a million years that a video-game-to-movie adaptation would be anything less than brilliant! I'm am shocked and horrified and I'm not even sure I can believe such a thing!
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I hope not
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Feb 27, 2009 9:34:15 AM CST
Hey Massawyrm... Is it as good as or better than "D.O.A.: Dead o
by mr. profit
Because that movie was so epically bad yet had strong fight choreography. And Sarah Carter vs Holly Vallance in the rain was good shit.
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Truppers! Now ees tha time to fight Embisson!
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Are you honestly telling me Bisons monologue about his plans for world domination wasn't awesome? Where's your love of cinema?
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"See, we got a character named Cid/Chun Li, so it's TOTALLY part of the franchise."
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This is exactly my type of thing!
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Feb 27, 2009 9:44:24 AM CST
Let me guess, more "guest starrings" on Smallville now?
by jackpumpkinhead
The male half of Smallville's set equipment, Welling, also had ambitions of "big screen transition" a while ago - which "The Fog" hopefully ended.
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Still do you deny my godhood? KEEP YOUR OWN GOD! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to him! FOR I BEHELD SATAN AS HE FELL FROM *HEAVEN*.... *****LIKE LIIIIIIIIGHTNNIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!*****
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If they actually tried, instead of thinking "meh, we got Kristin Kreuk...who the fuck gives a shit if the movie is related to it's source material", we just might had something decent... And by the way I still think that Ming-Na was a hotter Chun-Li than Kreuk.. YASAIII!!! And the JCVD version is one of the best "so good it's bad" movies. Just remember... Guile's speech, Zangief, Bison... Ahhh... the 90's...
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that is the question.
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and killed your father was the most important day in your life. For Bison... it was Tuesday. Raul Julia is THE man!
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Leet Version of Sagat.
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...but wait until DragonBall comes out. Street Fighter will look like the Godfather compared to that turd.
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Feb 27, 2009 9:52:40 AM CST
The JCVD street fighter, one of the first movies I hate
by most excellent ninja
apart from JCVD saying "no captain, you've lost your balls!" it was one of the few movies I hated as a kid, the other being Batman Forever. As a kid you like everything but I thought those two movies sucked. Guess I was right. I get Nostalgic about Forever though, but it's a pretty ridiculous movie.
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I love your fuckin' reviews man. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I wipe away tears. I need the catharsis.
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...Has ANYONE of these fucking MORONS seen the Strret Fighter II anime? Is it really so hard to make a live action that has at least 20% of it's awesomeness? For fuck's sake... Let Japanese people, do a Japanese movie, of a made in Japan fighting game. Americans suck at it. Let's face it. Anyone remembers the American Street Fighter Cartoon?
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People seem to love it for the cool use of music and a couple of badass fight sequences. Oddly, they seem to ignore that the ploting, dialogue and characterization is all utterly goddamned retarded in that piece of shit.
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... which even the anime was overrated imho, we got the live action King Of Fighters coming... THESE kind of movies, fuck our eyeballs. And by fucking, I mean anally fisting followed by a humongous King- Kong like dick...
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Also coming this year.
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... At least the SF II anime had a way better plot than any of the SF movies. And i think that the characterization is pretty spot on. What did you expect? Fucking 2001 Space Odyssey?
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At least it knew it was silly. Kristen Kruek has the personality of a brick. The best thing she did was get grinded by Matt Damon when Scotty didn't know. Someone must have saw her wire work in smallville and figured ,meh, she can kick , why not.
Frankly I'm tired of movies so bad I have to make them good by laughing at how bad they are...I just want good. -
TEKKEN? Really? Yoshimitsu is the best part of that. But what the hell will they do with it? 20 to 1 they focus on Angel and Devil.
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From the first pic i saw, at least they got the casting and appearances right...
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Sometimes even the really bad movie makers, just need a bullet in the head.
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Just not our money...
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yup, the plot is retarded. or more precisely, there is no plot. but when they fight... it's just one of the best fights ever put on films, animation or live action.
and that's all you need to do with this hollywood film. make the fight scenes spectacular. just plot a simple enough storyline for multiple fight scenes to fit into. do the jackie chan way. -
http://tinyurl.com/amvd4c
I say it's gonna be a tie... -
This is the young writer so many pple are hedging their bets on, hiring him to write Voltron and He-Man and Supermax, yet no reviewer wants to mention he WROTE THIS FUCKING MOVIE TOO. Are we geeks so anxious to see live-action properties based on our childhood that we're willing to overlook shit like this? Come on! Place some fucking blame on Marks! And let's stop acting like his future movies based on beloved cartoons and comics are going to be awesome. Lower your expectations NOW.
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There was a tournament? There was money? I don't remember any of this stuff. Just people showing up and beating each other. I'm playing SF4 right now and each character has a vague and confusing anime intro and extro that don't make any sense to me or even seem like a plot. They just seem like little trailers for something that might make sense if I saw the whole thing.
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It's funny to read Massa tear the movie apart and THEN to read Kristin Kreuk and Chris Klein interviewed. They are so serious about the movie you'd think they just filmed "The Godfather." Here is the link: http://tinyurl.com/dfbhbp
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Otherwise they wouldn't be on that horribly-written turd, now would they?
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What in the fucking hell are you talking about?!??!
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Feb 27, 2009 10:26:33 AM CST
Were you trying to write a review as bad as the movie?
by kid idioteque
Because you contradict yourself like 400 times in this "review."
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Fucking great review Wyrm. Fucking laughed out loud several times. I look forward to the stills of Kreuk hitting the Internets.
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Bravo brother, BRAV-F'N-O. I was laughing my ass off reading the entire thing. I'll definitely see this solely to see Kristen Kreuk doing splits and dressing like a slut. She is definitely in my top 5 for hottest actresses in Hollywood.
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"weep bitch tears" & "Nash Out" new AICN catchphrases?
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Hell yeah! I was laughing most of the time!!!
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such is the price for enjoying shitty movies that are hilariously bad. Awesome review; it's essentially convinced me to go watch this shitty movie.
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I usually enjoy reading your reviews, but you especially nailed this one. I've been pretty pumped about seeing this movie for a while now, in hopes that it would be exactly what you're describing here. This sounds like what I want. I loved Street Fighter the game as a kid (and still do, in some ways), but I couldn't care less if a great movie was mined from the source material. This flick sounds like a blast. I can't wait to check this out.
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They need to get this right! I am so tired of the characters being fucked with! This is how it runs down. Balrog is a cameraman not a prize fighter. E. Honda is a hawaiian sumo who drives vans. Chun Li is a terrible journalist. Zangief is not a famous soviet strongman but Bison's numbnuts muscle. Ryu and Ken are the two most notorious con men in all of Southeast Asia. Sagat is a native american arms dealer. Dee-Jay is a former tech support agent for Microsoft. Cammy is an austrailian major who functions as Guile's right hand. Dhalsim is a wimpy, scrawny prime minister for the Maharajah who can't stretch any limbs, but ends up bald by the end of the film so he looks more like the character.All unified by the pacts...BISONICA! THAT'S THE WAY YOU DO STREET FIGHTER BITCHES!
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Put JiJa in a big-budget Hollywood film, with a director who knows how to tell a story, and watch her be the next Bruce Lee. Sorry, Kristin, but hot ain't enough. I expect Street Fighting!
One of my Linux workstations is devoted to Chun Li. Check out Jo-Chen's versions of her. Sorry about the previous post; Windows keys do odd things on Linux. -
Because I NEVER want to see Kirsten Kreuk fuck up any episode of Smallville again!!!
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.....
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I have a feeling, Massa, that Klein is tremendously more oblivious than you would like to believe.
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She must have have been sleeping with somebody to land this role......
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damn skippy
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How low can you go.............
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Clearly Hollywood will never "get" SF.
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Possibley my favorite phrase of all time.
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that Street Fighter had, by far, the weakest story of all the "big" fighters. So it's not really much of a surprise they have trouble putting together a film with a coherent plot.
That being said... look at some old Van Damme movies about fighting tournaments (Blood Sport, etc). There's your basic structure right there. It shouldn't be THAT hard. -
... and by that I mean bad movies that are unintentionally hilarious because they take themselves seriously, I can not recommend anything higher than The Butterfly Effect. Watch it with the commentary, too, you WILL NOT be able to stop laughing.
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90 lbs of ass kicking believability
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I always imagined that the best way to do a street fighter movie would to have it sectioned off into three segments which all told the same story from different perspectives. One would follow Chun Li, one Ken & Ryu and then a last one following Guile. We'd get to see each of their motivations for entering the tournament/wanting to beat Bison, and a lot of cool fights. Most of the characters could be incidental contestants in the tournament (we don't need to know tons about Zangief, for example, but it would be awesome to see him fight Guile). Also, the main thing is that Bison should be played by Chow Yun Fat, think about it, that would be sweet.
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My buddies and I couldn't get enough of the mind-numbing terribleness that was American Ninja - and it didn't even star a freakin' hot girl!
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No way, because Torque is seriously my number one all-time favorite bad movie.
I had hopes this would be just what this reviews claims. Yay! -
word
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Death Ring is the winner for my personal favourite good/bad martial arts movie. It stars frikkin' Don Swayze fer cryin' out loud!
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stop being part of the problem.
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Even though it wasn't a SF movie, it feels like SF more than any other SF movie.
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Nobody I know will go see it with me so I guess it'll be a mid-week matinee for me...
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It ain't getting my moola thats for damn sure.
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how is that possible?
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Feb 27, 2009 1:46:42 PM CST
Two Street Fighter movies with no martial arts competition?
by damien chowder
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starring Hayden Christiansen as a Ugandan caricature artist named Blanka who is sent to Canada to stop Akuma (Burt Reynolds) before its too late.
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Great review, frickin hilarious and i suspect on point but i fearr that its awfulness will surpise its comedic value for me. But I have to ask, Is it wirse than the Happening??????
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This review had me in tears...tears of laughter! LMAO!!!!!
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Because she is Chun Li. Sorry Kristen.
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Coming in 2011.
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i think for any movie sf wise the animated ones are just pure class,i would like to see a great live action some day
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Pick up the Sister Street Fighter Collection from the now defunct BCI Eclipse while you can.
It's got a surprisingly similar plot to this movie (probably not coincidentally), but it's actually good. And it stars the totally awesome Etsuko Shihomi.
Don't support the Hollywood Childhood-Rape Machine. -
She was smoking hot in the original. Fuck this new turd. It shouldn't even be qualified as a movie. A tleast the roiginal TRIED to put everyone in their right costumes. The lazy fucks of this piece of shit didn't even attempt it...pussies.
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Feb 27, 2009 3:45:08 PM CST
Maggie Q wouldn't touch this shit with a ten-foot pole.
by thedarklinglord
Kristin "My Talents Are Too Great To Be Wasted On A Show That Fucking Gave Me A Career" Kreuk, however, probably thought this would be her big break into Hollywood blockbusters. She's hot, but the bitch can't act to save her life. Porn would better suit her talents.
You seriously have to wonder what stars are paid to do these sort of turd flicks. I mean, Michael Clarke Duncan has done shitty movies before, and he's not a Tom Cruise or anything, but surely the man can read? How much money does it take for you to say, "Eh. Fuck my respect for myself and the craft, I'll take the cash." -
Hope they spent some time filming these glorious orifices in this movie
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on Rotten Tomatoes. This one can. I watched Name Of The King hoping for so-bad-its-good goodness. But, it was just bad. This, tho, sounds like the real deal. Can't wait for the DVD. No way in hell would I spend good, actual theater going money toward it.
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I don't think a loaded bong & a six pack could help me sit through this one haha. If I wanted a good laugh I'd watch some washed up French action star gawdawfully trying to play an American Colonel. Thanks for the warning!
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Feb 27, 2009 4:12:01 PM CST
DUNGEON SEIGE was too boring to be so-bad-it's-good
by caruso_stalker217
But I think... I think I kinda liked it anyway.
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That Green Arrow movie being developed by WB/DC... He also has the Voltron, He-Man, and McG's/ Will Smiff's 20,000 Leagues adaptations under his credits...
Sweet! -
I'm sold. Will wait for netflix still though.
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seriously.. just by comparing it to a bad movie like torque (perhaps the greatest bad movie ever made.. i see 'homer sexual' mentioned it, and i agree.. everyone else, watch it again. its a cartoon brought to life. the end scenes just keep piling on ridiculousness as they go.) anyway, if street fighter was up to that level, I would happily go see it.
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He was my favorite SF character...
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I can't believe this is the crap she's offered. Oh well I guess a paycheck is a paycheck.
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Okay, so with this, and the fucking disgrace that was Earthsea, that's two ham-fisted, source-material-destroying properties Kreuk has been in. Three if you count Smallville (which I do).
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'It's so bad it's good'.
I've heard that phrase applied to things before. I expect you all have too. It's the kind of phrase that fills crap filmakers with hope. Hope that they can be so crap that they go 'full circle' and end up being excellent.
...has it ever been true?
The first talkbacker to post the name of a movie that has been 'so bad it's good' wins a prize.
The challenge is on. -
Only two rules to this competition:
1/ The movie has to be genuinely bad.
2/ The movie has to be genuinely good.
Place your bets ladies and gentlemen... and good luck! -
good one Massawyrm!
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Bad because it's shamefully inept in just about every way. Good because no single director in history would put himself that far out there and say "Look I'm a transvestite...ACCEPT ME!" Add in a whacked out Bela Lugosi going on about "Puppy dog tails and BIG FAT SNAILS"? BRILLIANT.
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What a waste, she's no Chun Li tho she certainly kicked a little ass on Smallville recently in some hand to hand action. Kreuk's head is far too tiny to really enjoy her in any roll, I know that sounds stupid but that's all I can think about when I see her, "what a tiny head she has.." Massa's got one super-gay pic going there, I don't know that I would use that, unless I was a super-gay, pseudo Solid Snake pillow-biter.
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And I'm still not going to bother with this tripe.
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That seems like a more reasonable option than actually wasting money to see this in theaters. I'll wait until it hits DVD and do a double feature with the Van Damme/Raul Julia Street Fighter film.
That oughta stop traffic. -
Massawyrm claimed recently he "made his living" as a film reviewer, but continues to refuse to disclose which venue pays him this "living wage." You'd think he want to drive readers to the site that pays him enough to "live on." You don't think he's a lying sack of shit who could never get a real job as a writer, do you?
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If this quote from Massa's review was on it:"A moist, gaping hole of sanity, this film is repeatedly fucked by its own incompetence, its mind numbingly awful script, and its complete and utter inability to even sustain its own logic."I'd buy it immediately.
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Plan 9. Hudson Hawk. Men at Work. Maybe? Just some suggestions.
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Genuinely Bad Film: Check! Genuinely Good Film: Check! (genuinely good as being "oh my god, this movie is so bad yet so entertaining). And yeah, I only know of it from MST3K, and I know it's got a cult-status from that already, but it is well-deserved.
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You and your crazy inability to use google...
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No one has ever straddled the so good/so bad line like Verhoeven with Showgirls. At first it just seems like a terrible movie. The one starts to realize it's a great movie about really terrible people. Really terrible, naked, dancing, pasty-wearing people. Truly gets better and better with every viewing. If only for Henrietta Bazoom: "She misses us like that lump on my twat I had taken off last week."
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"Don't do this movie, there's NO WAY it'll ever be as good as the JCVD masterpiece, just because you lose out on Get Smart, doesn't mean ya gotta get all depressed and settle for the first starring role that comes your way....but she never listens to me.
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Royston Lodge, brother, I share your love for the Don Swayze, Mike Norris, Chad McQueen, Billy Drago vehicle DEATH RING. That is one of my all-time favorite bad films. Drago has never been hammier and all the principal characters would get out-thespianed by the Cinemax soft-core crews. LOVE THAT SHIT!
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I thought the guy could have done something great after Election and the first American Pie movie. He seemed to stay away from the shit like American Wedding ,but he did do the Rollerball remake which was bad. I'm torn man. For some reason I wanted this guy to be better than this shit. I mean,he was the funniest part of that shitty Ryan Reynolds movie he was in. Oh well. He did get to fuck Katie Holmes back in the day so maybe things aren't all so bad.
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Dude, Spill is freaking awesome. Just found it thanks to your google suggestion. Why no love for it on this site? Mori pimps Hitfix, and Spill has cussing cartoons!
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we all knew this already right? still funny ass review Massa,at least im enjoying the hell out of ftreet fighter 4 at the moment,anybody seen the Anime movie that comes bundled with the special edition? any good? much Akuma on Gouken action?
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I haven't read such a review that's kicked my ass in so long. Have no clue which line to include as a tease in an email that's I'll link to this article.Well done, Wyrm! Can't wait to see it.
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giggled my way throughout. Looking forward to seeing the Film. The pordusers should PAY you.
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dont think i'll be watching this. the first street fighter had at least some good actors in it.
i dont get it, did DOA really make enought money for more of these shitfests to continue?
my vote for so bad its good movie: CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU. -
Budget $21,000,000 (estimated)
Opening Weekend $260,713 (USA)
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Nuff said.
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Massawyrm, who claims to make his living as a film critic, but refuses (after many inquiries) to reveal the magical mystical fairy tale outlet that pays him this "living" wage. I don't know what I'm supposed to Google. Too bad you can't just type who or what "pays" you to be a film critic right here in talkback. Otherwise I guess we're just to continue assuming you're "lying" about the whole "professional" thing. Because, dude, nobody gets paid to write this poorly.
So we'll just keep coming back until you admit at the top of every post that you were lying. See you later in this talkback, and in all subsequent talkbacks, liar. -
tick tock
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Wake me when that happens
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The entertaining to just plain bad ratio unfortunately for me was much more on the just plain bad side. Nothing will ever top JCVD and Raul Julia going it at it in the original Street Fighter movie! The level of over the top cheesiness was off the charts!
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Feb 28, 2009 12:52:55 AM CST
So basically, you're just gonna repost this same review...
by theghostwholurks
in about a month and change the title to DRAGONBALL? Yeah... that's what I thought. Films like this are the whole reason why Bittorrent exists in the first place.
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Check out Street Fighter II V. It takes an epic approach to the story in having Ryu and Ken start off as goofy teenagers traveling around the world and eventually becoming more bad ass as they learn how to fight. Towards the end it slows down way too much, but once the final fights are pretty awesome. Also the Street Fighter II animated movie is good with very little story and lots of fighting.
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I mean seriously every music video director has to get their start somewhere?
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Is that ' Kristen Kreuk ' bitch, or ' Jean Claude Van Damme ' bitch ?
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Seriously, we're in some fucking trouble if no one wants to even mention the writer.
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Shut up and go grow your beets.
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NASH OUT.
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"I don't know what I'm supposed to Google." See that? That right there? That's the reason you've yet to be taken seriously. But if you're REALLY dying to know, you can find my e-mail at the top and bottom of every review. Feel free to use it. But I have a feeling you won't. You're not a concerned reader. You're just my troll du jour. And on the internet, if you're not being trolled, you're doing it wrong. So thank you, Mose. Your screed completes me.
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Wall Street Fighter 4
www.sonicbloomberg.com
hahahahah! -
Come on, show your support for a real Chun Li
www.sonicbloomberg.com
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Don't know if anyone else has done this, because I'm not reading all the comments first..
Way to make a decent Street Fighter movie and even focus it on Chun Li:
Chun Li is investigating the crime syndicate Shadaloo because of Bison killing her father. Finds out they are holding an underground fighting tournament because Bison is looking to replace one or more of his lieutenants (Sagat, Vega, Balrog) because he feels they have failed him. Winner of the tournament is to receive a job offer. Chun Li enters to ge to Bison, and teams with Guile in investigating.
All your fighters are there for their various reasons... Ryu just because he lives to fight the strongest oppponents, others for the job offer, others after Bison. As the movie progresses, Ryu moves more to the forefront as he progresses through the tournament, as he has to choose between fighting just for the fight or if he will help Chun Li and Guile. And of course the movie ends with Ryu winning, walking away from a beaten Bison who is then taken into custody by Chun Li.
Nice, simple, gives you excuses to have all the familiar faces duking it out. Some people's favorite characters may get the shaft storyline wise, but there would be opportunity to give them all a shining moment or two. -
Lols-the review gave me a headache:
No worries-You have just suffered a BAD MOVIE EXPERIENCE.
You have a low level of POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.
Have no worries-this will pass.
Because Avatar's going to be fucking your eyeballs in 2009!!!
3-D eyeball fucking, Sahim.
Tamam Infidel!!! -
If you hadn't contradicted yourself so often, this would have been an excellent review. You're a good writer and so I'll put it down to tiredness or perhaps you were on an adrenaline rush after seeing such a bad movie.
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And that was some truly wretched shit. The ONLY way to watch that movie is to make fun of it.
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The winner of the 'so bad it's good' competition is...
Harold-Sherbort who suggested HUDSON HAWK. A film that goes full circle to be both genuinely both bad and genuinely good.
Congratulations Howard, the severed head of Ernest Borgnine is winging its way to you now. -
I was laughing my ass off reading that. I'm betting that review was better than the movie, so thank you Hollywood. Did Kristen Kreuk look lovingly into someone's eyes during this, while obviously shifting her gaze from eye to eye? She does that really well. And where the hell is Vern during all this?
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THE ROOM is by far my favorite movie of all time. It's held that title for years now. It recently got some exposure in EW, but I can tell you right now, without a shred of hyperbole or doubt in my mind, that this is the Greatest Worst Movie of all time. I hesitate to even use the term "worst" because this movie brings me so much joy. Whenever I meet new people and they are over at my place, I try to sneak in a screening. It's almost become a litmus test for friendship. Now, the fun is just watching them watch the film, and seeing them laugh, cower in fear, and more often than not, say "What the fuck?!" Many films that fall under the "so bad it's good category" are maybe only sporadically bad or unintentionally funny in spurts. I'm here to tell you that there is not one wasted moment in THE ROOM. NOT ONE. Nothing works, yet EVERYTHING WORKS! At no point in the movie do any of the elements come together to form anything resembling "good." The behind-the-scenes story of the film is almost as great as the finished product. So, to sum it up, Cobra Kai, yes, this movie fits both of you criteria, in that it is GENUINELY BAD & GENUINELY AMAZING at the same time. And like the tagline to THE ROOM says..."It'll change your life." And it has, mine. It has, mine...
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"There is a magic about that film that is indescribable" Edgar Wright on THE ROOM.
Nice to read your post about THE ROOM Jack, it's film fans like you that keep me coming back to this site. A movie thats 'a litmus test for friendship' sounds very cool and i'll try and get hold of a copy (although that may be tricky, it doesnt seem to be listed on my rental site). -
Guile is a lawyer who discovers that his bosses work for a corrupt government. When his sister is murdered by John his close friend. Guile embarks on a journey of intrigue and discovers truths that will topple the upper echelons of high society.
Starring Chow Yun Fat as Guile and Dolph Lundgren as John. -
Feb 28, 2009 12:24:02 PM CST
Here's why the liar Massawyrm won't reveal his "employer."
by mose schrute
If he typed in, say, "Newsweek," we'd be able to hop to the Newsweek website and seaach for his byline. When we found it wasn't there, we could call Newsweek HR and ask if he was a liar, and his little house of "I make a living as a film critic" lie would come tumbling down like a flimsy house of cards.
He cleverly refers us to Google because Google doesn't tell fucking anyone who pays him a "living" wage to write film criticism.
It doesn't occur to Massawyrm that any real writer reading his "work" can pick him out as the fraud he is.
Just type who pays you, Massa. Just a few quick keystrokes to clear it all up.
Otherwise, we'll be back to ask again and again. Which you shouldn't mind, because you've nothing to hide, right?
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Outside of this site I couldn't give a flying fuck what Massa does or who he's employed by and I expect 99% of TBers feel the same.
As he suggested Mose - if it really matters to you- just drop him an email because at the moment all you're doin' is proving him right. Troll du jour. -
Like seriously, do you not have a job, or a girlfriend, or a hobby to occupy your time?
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Does any of us have a girlfriend, job, or hobby?
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Apparently, Amazon ran low on copies after the EW article, but I've heard that they have some back in stock. If they have DVD's available, it'll be the best money you've ever spent. Do yourself a favor and youtube "The Room Tommy Wiseau", and you'll get a small, pink spoon sample of the greatness of this materpiece.
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Feb 28, 2009 1:45:29 PM CST
heh Mose thinks he's bringing own the president or something
by bmacsmith
talk about an overblown sense of self importance. did Massa rape his dog or something? you're doing important work here, Mose. keep up that righteous crusade against a movie critic on a silly movie fanboy site, i guess.
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The weird guy from Black eyed peas? Not the restaurant, Im sure there are lotsa weird guys from that particular restaurant chain. still, weird guy from black eyed peas is redundant anyway. So what about VEGA? How bad was VEGA?
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Quote that on the box! I think I got more enjoyment reading that review than I ever will with the movie - but I do enjoy a terribly bad movie, so I'll probably give it a rental.
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weep bitch tears over something or another in the past. seriously, dude, shut the fuck up and move on... i can't imagine anyone cares about this 'crusade' you're on.
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and is fucking great! Better than The Dark Knight even... Klien's performance make Heath's look silly.. NASH OUT!
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I forgot that Klein was in that movie "Just Friends" until I read a comment above. The overall movie wasn't that great, but his roll was hilarious!
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i waited for this movie so long and no this guy tells me its bad. wtf? they trashed the source material? how dare they.
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seriously it sounds exciting. this is a good movie to watch with friends
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so hot:
http://tinyurl.com/cvnqrb
watching this gave me two extra inches i didnt know i had. -
this movie sucks. worse than leonard part 6. the movie staring bill cosby as a secret agent. lets first start with what the hell did this movie have to do with street fighting. its like buying a porn with no naked women. there is only 5 characters from street fighter in this movie they all suck. liu kang from mortal kombat seems cool at first until he draws up a fire ball that is not even his move from the video game. how does he now how to use some one elses movie. also i will give 1 million dollars to anyone including the writer director if you can explain to me bison need for his daughter. why did he port all his goodness into his daughter and then use all his goodness in him to save her. the movie must have been created will they directed it. no script just all improve. i feel the director the writer and anyone who made money from this movie should give all of the money back and give it to the poor. they deserve no reward for making movie.
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coz u boring. maybe u can try writing long sentences for once that actually make sense. i sentence you to 2 hours of community service...servicing the gay cockfest community that is.
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Ahhhhhhhh Shit, I knew hollywood was going to fuck it up again.
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Goddamn you're funny
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Massa is a douche.
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People need to stop bitchin about Rose. In the games she is the physical manifestation of Bisons good. The movie got that dead on, shut up about it already. Everyone who complains about Rose are just showing their ignorance of SF continuity.
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There's a story here that we're supposed to give a shit about beyond "quarter circle forward, punch, then steal 25 cents from your mom so you can try and play again but she'll say 'no, we don't have enough time for you to be playing so many violent games,' and you're all like 'whatever mom, it's just a quarter.'"
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????
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YES! One of the best-worst criminal organization names ever. Is that truly the name in the movie or something Massa conjured? Shadowloo, the deepest darkest shit toilet in Thailand.
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I hear you about this shitty screenwriter, Justin Marks. Somebody believed to be the Marks is currently doing damage control/cheerleading/flaming on the imdb message boards.
Weird how Rotten Tomatoes gives this movie a record 0% and yet imdb users give it a 5.6. -
but nobody acknowledged me.... :'(
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Sounds awesome!this actually made 1.7 mil on Fri...that's not bad considering - Gigli couldn't even manage that!
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Great review Massa, thoroughly kick ass. Mose may be FUCKING DISTRACTING, but is just proving the obvious troll he is. NASH OUT!
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And it was the funniest movie I've seen in ages. It's terrible, but any aicn reader should go see it NOW. It's the type of movie you loved on HBO when you were eleven.
My girlfriend and I were giggling like schoolgirls whenever the cops were on screen. They were brilliant. -
Dude, why are you even posting? Everybody that reads what you're typing just thinks you're sad and and little crazy. You won't convert anybody to your crusade.
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That's the name of the organization in the game. I think it's had a few different spellings/pronunciations between the various games and animes. Shadaloo, Shadoloo, Shadowloo...
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I know must of you are from the US so won't notice but it really bugs me that they switched character names from the 'real' game in Japan. Makes it hard for me to figure out who people are. And Bison should always be a Mike Tyson clone, dammit!
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took me under 3 minutes to locate the site in question, mose my man. perhaps you should maybe google HIS NAME? if only there was a site where he lists all his activities and so forth... he could call it his 'space', and you could find out more about him there... that would be cool. but i hope you never crack the enigma, because your impotent rage is just too funny. latrz!
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comon people i like it when hollywood does the so bad its good thing. plus that bitch is ethnic hot
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and tells the audience just how dangerous Bison is... well I lost it. "This guy walks through the raindrops!" Klein acted like he was auditioning for Zoolander 2 with all his faux macho posturing. In short... HYSTERICAL. It made me wish the flick was called Street Fighter: The Legend of Charlie Nash.
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Gen hands Chun-Li a flyer. "There's a fighting tournament... I think you should look into it! There's a guy named Ryu... or something fighting in it!"
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It's not as good as the original
Street Fighter Movie? -
Ugh, I can't even describe how bad this thing was. I went in expecting it to be 'so bad it's good,' like Massa said, but it wasn't . . . it was DEPRESSING how bad this was. Even the ridiculous Chris Klein stuff, who did manage to out-Keanu Keanu, wasn't enough to offset the GAWD-AWFULNESS of this fucking thing.Please, do NOT waste your time on this . . . do not give it money, do not pirate it, do not rent it, do not watch it on TBS in 6 months.It will ruin your day.I can go into specifics if anyone wants, but yeah . . . you've been warned.
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He's going around on rottentomatoes as "fluxboy" and flaming all the critics that gave this movie a bad review. (And that's a lot of people.)
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ladies can NASH OUT WITH THEIR GASH OUT.
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Funny how angry Massa's many talkback accounts, er, fans get over a simple question. Why is it so offensive to ask about this mysterious media outlet supposedly paying Massa a "living wage" to write?
Now that I've attracted some attention to the issue, I will keep asking until answered. As I continue to post, many will continue to complain about my curiousity, and this will only draw more attention to the question.
We know AICN doen't pay Massa for these profanity-laced fourth-grade book reports. So who does?
All Massa needs to do is type the name of his employer into a black box - just a few short keystrokes - so we can investigate.
See you in the talkback beneath the next Massa post. -
Spine tingling stuff.
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Variety.com:
It's official: "Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun-Li" is a flop. Even given a perfunctory release on 1,136 theaters, its estimated weekend gross of $4.65 million and per screen average of $4,093 is lame, albeit not disastrous -
Bad movie, sure, but for me the star was Jaime Pressly's smokin' body. God that woman is sumthin' else...
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This movie did deserve to fail. When FOX gets its hand on something they know how to ruin it and it finally back fired. This is great news. Tell me how you make a Martial Arts movie with people that have no knowledge of martial arts in their real lives. The disclpline isnt a fucking club dance. It takes years to learn. I read somewhere that these motherfuckers took 5 weeks of training to prepare for this. That was probably all the money that FOX wanted to pay. They single handidly ruined these actors career. Did they really think that fans of this magnitude would except something shittier than the original version. I wont believe that this film was Justin Marks fault. The director is the guy from Exit Wounds for crying out loud and the studio is FOX. This movie was doomed before it got started. It was poorly executed and promoted like they didnt care about it anyways. Filmed like it was saved on someones sd card from a camera phone, this movie deserved to fail. Keep it up FOX. Your doing great.
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No fucking clue what their talking about. The Street Fighter II anime is the best Street Fighter movie to date. You are definitely alone on your thoughts. Its ignorant to think otherwise. Logical thought will explain this, nothing else. Even if your not a fan of the franchise.
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