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Harry Lime hands in his look at THE HAUNTING
It seems our Mountain Dew of Evil Geniuses has run into his Sprite. That's right, that Lemon Lime, Harry Lime of evil bastards seems to wanting to take a poke at our resident evil genius. Hmmmm... All I can say is this. This other Harry just better watch out... Last I heard them darkened alleys he's ducking in and out of has Moriarty's latest mutation... NRG rats... They're evil little critters with a mangy matted look about em... But they've been cybernetically altered like that Dolphin in JOHNNY MNEUMONIC... Be afraid Lime. Be very afraid.
Hey, Head Geek...
"Moriarty" here.
This morning, I went outside to get the paper, and I
slipped in what I later realized was a puddle of
general henchman goo. You see, one of the little
mutant buggers was lying on the steps, dead, with
several sheets of paper pinned to his chest.
I retrieved the note, which consisted of tightly
cramped handwriting, obviously written on the run.
I'm just going to pass it along to you verbatim to do
with as you please.
Know this, though, Lime... those henchmen ain't cheap.
You owe me, bastard.
THE HAUNTING
a review by Harry Lime
It's amazing how easy it is to convince a total
stranger that something is true when in reality it's
an absolute fabrication. You could say that deception
is the main reason most of the fortunes in life simply
fall into my lap. It's a trick I've learned so well
that it's like second nature now. In fact, just the
other night I was lurking in the shadows of a side
street just off of Sunset (don't ask me why) when a
woman with crazed eyes and frantic smile jumped out at
me and asked if I was press.
I looked her dead in the eye and confidently
responded, "But of course I am, you hideous beast."
She then lead me into a room with a bunch of people
waiting to see the new DreamWorks film, THE HAUNTING,
based on the novel by the late Shirley Jackson. I
enjoyed the first movie adaption, the 1963 film by
Robert Wise staring Julie Harris and Russ Tamblin, and
the police were looking for me, so getting off the
streets was a good idea. I decided to stay.
To start, I have to admit that I'm not a fan of Jan De
Bont when he's directing. As a cinematographer he's
more than proven himself capable... DIE HARD and THE
HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER are both staggering photographic
achievements. No argument. At some point, though,
somebody put the idea in his head that he should move
into directing. Maybe it was the lure of more money or
possibly the fantasy that he might somehow be the next
Kubrick. Whatever the reason, it was a giant mistake.
His first outing, the 1994 action flick SPEED, had
decent chemistry and was for the most part an
enjoyable way to spend two hours and eight bucks.
Don't get me wrong, it's no CITIZEN KANE, but compared
to his next two films, TWISTER and SPEED 2: CRUISE
CONTROL, it's a work of absolute brilliance.
When I first saw the teaser for THE HAUNTING (I think
it was in front of Gus Van Sant's PSYCHO), I thought,
"Hmm... this could be interesting." But then I
thought, "No, wait. This is Jan De Bont. He's gonna
find some excuse to screw it up. I know it!" As it
turns out, the film isn't as bad as it could have
been. Still, you have to marvel at this man's
ability to suck nearly all the possibility and promise
out of a project.
Liam Neeson may be the "star," but the film really
belongs to Lili Taylor. She plays Eleanor, a woman
plagued with insomnia who just lost her mother. She
responds to a newspaper ad looking for test subjects
for insomnia research. In reality, the research is on
fear and is to be conducted at the haunted Hill House.
Dr. Marrow, played by Neeson, decides to keep this
truth from his subjects to keep the experiment "pure"
and the results real. Lili does the best she can with
the role she's been given. There's not a lot there and
in the hands of a less gifted actress would have been
painful. Liam does his job competently, but never
seems to give it 100%. He struts into the picture
like he owns the place, barely even glancing at the
synthespians that terrorize the mansion. He tells the
legend of Hill House to the others to spook them then
goes off and talks into a tape recorder like all great
movie scientists. He does have one great bizarre
moment, though, in which he rants at Catherine
Zeta-Jones about why he's obsessed with fear. Check it
out... you can't miss it.
The other two test subjects are Catherine Zeta-Jones,
who plays a unrelenting bisexual, and Owen Wilson, who
plays Owen Wilson. Actually, if I had to elect an MVP
of the film (aside from Taylor, who is very good), I
guess it would have to be Owen. This guy is a movie
star waiting to happen, while Catherine is easy on the
eyes and doesn't embarrass herself. These two spend
most of the film wierded out by Eleanor's strange
fascination and connection with the house. The
biggest missed oppotunity in the film is the casting
of Todd Field for just a two-minute role. Seriously,
if you blink you'll miss him. If you don't know who
Todd Field is, you should. He's Nick Nightengale in
EYES WIDE SHUT and does awesome work in a great little
film called BROKEN VESSELS.
Overall the film feels like an feature length effects
reel. There's no real weight here, especially at the
climax of the film where it really feels missing, but
if you're not looking for a heavy moviegoing
experience, you probably won't be too disappointed.
It's got a few nice scares thanks to the magnificent
sound design and the sets are incredible. It's not Jan
De Bont's worst film, but I realize that's not saying
much. If the script had been better, though, it would
have made De Bont look a lot better.
If anyone in publicity at DreamWorks wishes to blurb
a quote from my review for their newspaper ads, I
recommend the following: "[Neeson] talks into a tape
recorder like all great movie scientists... Catherine
[Zeta-Jones] is easy on the eyes... not Jan De Bont's
worst film!"
Well, I think I've overstayed my welcome. I can hear
the wail of police sirens outside. For a man who is
supposed to be dead, I'm sure keeping them busy. Do
me a favor... keep this little conversation of ours to
yourself, okay? And the next time you pass a darkened
doorway or mouth of an alley, don't be surprised if
I'm
there in the shadows...
It's been fun, but I gotta run.
Harry Lime
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Sounds like a good enough reason
to get out of the summer heat.
Can't possibly be better than the original. Ah, well.
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I remember seeing the original movie of The Haunting at my local (Hove sussex. UK)Granada cinema, in 1963. It was very effective and really quite scary, the sound design was exceptional, the baby crying in the wallpaper etc. It surfaces fairly regularly on TNT in the UK, but is diminished by the domestic viewing, scale etc.Of course in those days you watched the film through a curling fog og cigarette smoke, and endured the smell of damp raincoat, but then this is England.
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I can't imagine suffering through another De Bont movie. If he follows true to form, all the good stuff will be in the trailer and the rest will have you wondering why you didn't bring your No-Doz.
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I can't wait to see this movie, for 4 simple reasons: (1) Catherine Zeta-Jones, (2) my crippling fear of ghosts, (3) it'll be refreshing to see a movie that breaks away from the teen slasher flick formula we've been saddled with ever since Scream became popular, and (4) Catherine Zeta-Jones (did i mention that already?)
Oh, and I also want to see this movie because I've heard that Catherine Zeta-Jones is in it. Can anyone confirm this rumor? Even this rumor isn't true, at least the movie will still have Catherine Zeta-Jones. -
Man, does this movie smell. I'm sorry, but Oscar-worthy sets do not a movie make, and the CGI ghosts here are about as scary as Casper. This is an incredibly boring mess, and Liam Neeson and Lilly Taylor give laughably bad performances. For the people who think BLAIR WITCH isn't scary, here's your wonderful Hollywood alternative.
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Okay, I don't know what's wrong with these people, both these Harry's seem to like it. The REAL Harry is usually D.O.B.Accurate about these reviews, but good lord, this was the biggest piece of shit since... well okay, so there's a LOT of shit out there, but this is definately one of those pieces. I see movies for free and I still wanted a refund, I'm thinking of sueing Jan De Shit for two hours of my life that he wasted.
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It sucked, but it was good. Harry Lime get a shave!
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She was good. Since she's a lesbian in this flick, she should be forced to much carpet with a hot chick...maybe the Egyptian mistress chick from the Mummy. Imagine those two going at it for two hours on screen. I'd pay to see that. Oh, well...time to go beat off!
Love, Bill -
I thoroughly enjoyed the recent version of "The Haunting"! The actors all do a fine job (especially Lili Taylor), the special effects are excellent, and the house is awesome! This is Jan De Bont's best movie by far; furthermore, Eugenio Zanetti's sets are wonderful! BTW, I've heard people complaining about the "happy" ending. What the hell movie were they watching? If your looking for a fun, very enteraining time, check this movie out.
-Mark -
In today's L.A. Times: "Usually at a movie premiere, members of the audience will respond politely, if not enthusiastically, to the film out of deference to those involved in the making of the film who happen to be sitting all around them. But such was not the case at Tuesday evening's premiere of DreamWorks' "The Haunting." The film...drew more hoots and howls than gasps and screams...
Reviewers for The Times and both trade papers savaged it, very entertaining reviews.
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If you're looking to see a horror flick... you're waaay outta luck. CGI SHMEEGEEAII... CRAP! Most of the full house I saw this with at a local AMC 30 was VERY disappointed! For those who were entertained, I'm glad at least you were! AAARGGHHH.... Sleepy Hollow and Green Mile better kick some serious @ss or I'm gonna drop a nuke on Hollywood!
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My God, I snuck in to the show this morning with zero expectations & it was STILL a boring pile of shit! I will say that the sound in Dolby Digital EX was fantastic, but the dialogue was just dreadful..."Okay you two, enough talk about pharmaceuticals!" and Lily Taylor's line about adventure being only for women who marry matadors...what in the fuck did THAT mean???? Laughably bad; the 1/3 full audience was bored shitless. Hold off for BWP next week if you want actual scares & it's not playing yet in your neck of the woods. (groan)
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I actually enjoyed the new version of the movie "the Haunting".I really didn't find it scary,although I did jump(along with the rest of the audience) during one scene,but I didn't find the 1963 version scary either. I thought it was missing something but will take it over the countless "Sream" clones anyday. I thought the Special effects were great and it was a worthy effort. Although not a perfect movie , I think Hollywood is moving in the right direction. Can't wait for "The Blair Witch Project", and "Sleepy Hollow" to come out.
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I actually enjoyed the new version of the movie "the Haunting".I really didn't find it scary,although I did jump(along with the rest of the audience) during one scene,but I didn't find the 1963 version scary either. I thought it was missing something but will take it over the countless "Scream" clones anyday. I thought the Special effects were great and it was a worthy effort. Although not a perfect movie , I think Hollywood is moving in the right direction. Can't wait for "The Blair Witch Project", and "Sleepy Hollow" to come out.
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This movie was set up to be creepy. The regular horror movies staples (such as the unseen entity pounding on the walls at night) was actually kind of unsettling. But unfortunately, this is the '90s, and what kind of big-budget horror movie would do without fancy-schmancy computer generated special effects these days? The answer, unfortunately, is not this one. The CGI ghosts and ghouls at the end of the movie seem a little corny after the fear the audience actually feels a little of in the earlier parts of the film. Long story short, see it for the amazing sets and a good time, but not if you want to be up all night with the light on.
Shellmsx
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