Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

Wow, I must not have been smoking the right crack pipe when I saw this film, because I know so many people who actually liked it, but lord almighty was I bored and disappointed in this reboot of the horror movie franchise featuring the timid woodland creature known as Jason Voorhees. And in keeping with some of my fellow critics, I'll say that I've seen every single FRIDAY THE 13TH movie--most more than once--and while I don't think any of them are true classics, I do recognize some really good work in a couple of them. My heart belongs to Freddy Krueger.

And believe me, I really thought about and rehashed this movie for quite a while trying to uncover why it was so lacking. Was it that in cramming details from the first three FRIDAY THE 13TH movies into one story (not a bad idea in theory), the filmmakers basically skim right over the fun of watching Jason evolve from a freak boy to a killer with a weird mask on his head to the iconic hockey-masked killing machine? Was it that the film lacked any real tension and only one or two genuinely creative kill sequences? (I'll give points to the dude in the bear trap watching the girl in the sleeping bag go up in flames.) Is it the fact that in making a new installment of this film that borrows so heavily from previous Jason movies (both in terms of plot and atmosphere), that its very existence negates its necessity? It's probably big hunks of all of these reasons, but the one truly nagging aspect of the film is that it gives us a hero in Jared Padalecki's character Clay. I'll explain...

I have nothing against Mr. Padalecki (of HOUSE OF WAX remake and "Supernatural" fame). I met him for two seconds at Comic-Con last year, and he seemed like a decent enough bloke, and he's pretty strong in this film as an actor. The problem I have with him is that his character basically destroys the premise of this and many other horror films of this ilk. The reason Freddy and Jason were/are so popular is that the audience is rooting for them, not their victims. We can't wait to see what wild methods they'll use to slaughter those snotty, sex-crazed, drug-taking, generally deviant kids. They were the embodiment of the threat our parents and older siblings made about what happens to little boys and girls who misbehave. And even though we were scared of them, we were also very much looking forward to their next appearance.

To say that there were no heroes in any of the '80s horror films is, of course, not totally true, but it kind of was in the FRIDAY THE 13TH movies, at least the first few, which this film emulates completely. And, in fact, German-born director Marcus (Pathfinder) Nispel and writers Damian Shannon and Mark Swift (both of whom co-wrote the ridiculously fun FREDDY VS. JASON) make most of their victims highly unlikable and partially naked. But Padalecki's character and, to a degree, Danielle (MR. BROOKS, SKY HIGH) Panabaker's Jenna are built up as the heroes of the film, the ones we don't want to die. I don't support this decision; I want them all to die; I don't want to care about a single hair on their head cut off by Jason, let alone an arm or head. When a pointy object pokes out an eye, all I want to do is cheer, "Go Jason!" I don't want to even let cross my mind, "Oh, please don't let Jared get hurt. His hair is too perfect to die!"

I found the whole experience of watching this movie rather annoying. Did this movie actually try to tell me that Jason's real motivation for killing all these people is that they invade his pot-farming operation? You think I'm kidding, but watch the movie. A very strong case could be made for that being the point of this movie--"Jason Voorhees: Vigilante Pot Farmer." Now that's a FRIDAY THE 13TH movie I can get behind. I don't need a horror remake to reinvent the torture wheel or come up with elaborate backstories for its killer (thankfully, this movie avoids that tired device), but at least have a reason for existing. Be tasteless, be offensive, be creative, be wild, just be something. This film is actually worse than pointless, and this is the last time I'm talking about it. I hope it enjoys its unearned time atop the weekend box office chart.

-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com