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Capone reviews DROP DEAD GORGEOUS
Hey folks, once again our man in Chicago, CAPONE, has come through with a look at an upcoming film... DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. And there are slight spoilers, so for you non-spoiler fans just know that he thought bits were funny but that overall the film was.... so-so. If you were to judge from this review, it sounds like a cable viewing or second run theater. But... that's just by this review... Here's Capone....
Hey Harry, Capone in Chicago here with a review of "Drop Dead Gorgeous."
As much as I didn't want to, I had to ask myself a lot of questions about this
movie a lot after seeing it. Was it funny? Was is crude in a clever way or just
crude? Will Kirstie Alley ever stop trying to pretend she's sexy or talented?
What lengths would I go to to shag Kirsten Dunst and Denise Richards, separately
or as a Capone Sandwich? These were all tough questions.
"Drop Dead Gorgeous" takes the form of a mock-umentary (for what reason, I don't
know) directed by an unseen but often-heard director (voiced by actual director
and former member of MTV's "The State" Michael Patrick Jann, currently the emcee
on "Viva Variety."). The story follows the many stages of a beauty pageant in a
small Minnesota town. The winner of this pageant goes onto the state finals, and
possibly the nationals. The never-funny Kirstie Alley plays the pageant's
coordinator, who also happens to be mother to Denise Richards rich, bitchy (and
possibly criminal) contestant Rebecca. Kirsten Dunst plays the saintly but poor
Amber: trailer trash that wants to win this contest and go on to a career as a
television journalist just like her hero Diane Sawyer.
Denise Richards talent as an actress is her uncanny ability to go from queen
bitch to sweet and innocent in the blink of an eye. And that's essentially what
she does throughout this film. Kirsten Dunst is a star about to happen. I've
been keeping an eye on her since "Little Women" and "Interview with a Vampire"
and more recently in "Wag the Dog," "Small Soldiers," and a gutsy stint on
"E.R." I read Moriarity's review of "Dick" recently and his assessment is right
on the money. Not only is she a hottie, she can act circles around most of the
more veteran actors in this film, such as Ellen Barkin who plays her mom and is
essentially a walking site gag (involving a beer can) through most of this film.
The only actress that can match talent with Dunst in the excellent character
actress Allison Janney, playing a neighbor of Dunst's in the trailer park where
they reside.
As for the film, I'd say it's about 35% crudely hysterical, 45% smile inducing,
and 20% unfunny. The filmmakers made one crucial error: setting it in Minnesota
and thinking that the accents alone would make us laugh. Sorry guys. "Fargo"
ruined any future potential for laughs at the expense of that horrible accent.
We've heard it, it's been done, it's no longer going to shock us the way it
might have before "Fargo." This is not an opinion; it's simply a fact.
The parts of "Drop Dead Gorgeous" that involve the parents are obvious,
overacted (not like Kirstie Alley know how to do anything but), and cliche. The
parts involving the contestants and their preparation for the pageant are great.
Some scenes here, especially ones involving the Eating Disorder wing of a
hospital, may even reach a new level of crudeness. Unfortunately some of it
seems unnecessary. I don't mean to sound like a prude, because I loved "American
Pie," "South Park," and "There's Something about Mary" immensely, but in this
movie the off-color jokes feel forced about half the time. The actual pageant is
great and nearly every moment with Dunst and /or Richards in it that doesn't
involved their parent is funny as hell. Some moments with the film crew are
amusing. And there's a subplot involving the content judges that is just creepy.
But just when I started to fall for this film, something decidedly unfunny would
happen,usually in the form of....you guessed it...Kirstie Alley. Damn is she
just plain ol' not funny or sexy or interesting. She is cardboard cutout mom
living vicariously through daughter. Yawn.
This movie was aspiring to be the standard for this kind of film, "The
Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom,"
which put Holly Hunter in a whole new light for me. In that film, the parents
were believable in their insanity. Here, they might as well be standing next to
Bugs Bunny for all their cartoonishness. If you need to get your fix of teen
hotties, this is the place to go (also in the cast of contestants is Brittany
Murphy from "Clueless"; and a blonde-haired Mindy Sterling, Frau Farbissina in
"Austin Powers"), but don't expect to see anything inspired. And please,
someone, launch Kirstie Alley to the dark side of the fucking moon!
Capone
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ladies and gentlemen.... I am the first! This is totally awesome!
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All right, that's it!!! WE DON'T TALK FUNNY!! It was cute in Fargo, and it's funny when I'm out of town and people come up to me and say "Say Don'cha know! Do It! Do it Minnesota Boy!" and then they laugh at me when I order a pop. Which it is. A pop. What the hell is a soda anyway?
Anyhow, that's losing focus. I just want to say that the accent is not real dammit!! Come on Harry, you were just up here, and did you even once hear someone say "you betcha?!?!" -
Keep 'em coming Capone. This is the first time I remember reading one of your reviews and I already trust you as a critic. Solid and entertaining review all around. Some others on this site could take some lessons from you.
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and Roger Ebert would of been a better a critic if he would just tell us in the review if the actresses are screwable. Please Shelly Long and others, leave your hormones out of the reviews.
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I have never seen a Jim Carrey movie that I would call hilarious. So maybe there is the possibility of the existence of a variance in comedic tastes between the 5 billion or so people on this planet. I would use the word annoying and overdone and "getting old quick" I never cared less for a character than I did for him at the end of Truman Show, which I have to admit was a well-written thought provoking film. But the dude just evokes no emotion from me. He could have fell into the water and been eaten by piranha for all I cared. And I expected to feel all warm and fuzzy when he opened that door at the end. I think I yawned. Better luck to him in Man on the Moon but the only reason I'd bow to him is to give him a solid groin shot on the upstroke. And Kirsty Ally makes me want to break things.
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FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY AND SACRED, WHEN WILL KIRSTY ALLY QUIT WHINING AND ACTING LIKE SUCH A MOODY DRAMATIC WHORE!?!? VERONICA'S CLOSET WAS NOTHING BUT THIS, AND LOOK AT YOU NOW MS. UNEMPLOYED OVERACTING ERECTION-KILLING BUTT-UGLY MID-AGE CRISIS JERKOFF!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!
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Are those real?
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First of all,
No man on planet earth can rightfully stand up and say that they did not want to make with Lt. Savvik when she led the teen Spock-boy through his first episode of Pon Far.
And tell me she didn't look yummy as a gravy sandwich on her first season of Cheers.
I dunno, maybe Capone was busy drooling over the beer recycler Norm.
In any event, all semblance of a legitimate review ended somewhere after the 4th sentence of this review.
Any semblance of talent ended shortly thereafter.
Frankly, I come here for the latest news on what's on the horizon, and to find out whether "real people" would enjoy new releases. I don't come here to find out some key grip named Capone has a chubby for Hot Lips Reynolds but gets flaccid over Kirstie Alley.
Deal with your sexual frustrations *before* you write your reviews, Capone. Better yet, why don't you just narrow your reviews down to "liked it", "didn't like it", "actress doesn't make me want to pleasure myself" and save us from having to watch your Kirstie Alley Crusade. -
When I got my first VCR I raced out and rented 'Losin' It' because a friend told me he saw it in the theaters and Shelly Long was all naked in it. I watched the tape from start to finish and there wasn't so much as a single boob as seen through a shower curtain on a passing train. My reaction was limp to say the least.
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I would just like to remember the talents of the underpraised Michael Ritchie. A moment of silence please.
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Rent "Wild Things".
As Jackie Childs said in the Seinfeld finale..."They're real. And they're fan-tas-tic." -
Alright, my parents grew up in northern Minnesotta. Start from Duluth (the point at the end of Lake Superior) and go about 50 lakes west, you hit a litle town called Deer River. That's the place. And, damnit! They have the Fargo accent! Still! They haven't been living there since 1968, and they still have that silly accent! 'Crouse it's not as thick as grandma's, but it's definitely there. ---- The Fargo accent is not a myth! Maybe you're just too "close" to see it, the same way my Maine-bound friends are too "close" to realize their accents.
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And, yes, my dad is filled with those goofy sayings, although I believe I've only heard my Mom say "dontcha know" before.
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Shelly Long is more suitable as a mom or a furniture spokeswoman than as a leading actress who needs to hold our attention. Sure, Night Shift was an entertaining movie, but Long was just a supporting factor. Michael Keaton really made the movie. "LLLLOVE BROKAHS, HAHAHAHA!"
My problem with this movie is the title. "Drop Dead" should be hyphenated, since it's two words combined to describe "gorgeous". Without punctuation, this title could be an instruction: "Hey, drop dead, gorgeous." Or, "Hey buddy, drop the dead gorgeous and put your hands up."
This reminds me of another error you see all the time (but not in this review). You don't say, "Drop-Dead Gorgeous was one of the best movies of the 90's." It's '90s! The apostrophe goes BEFORE the "90" to stand for the missing "19". People are so dumb.
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I know this is nitpicky, but I hate it when people don't check facts and are just plain wrong.
"Viva Variety" was created by and featured Thomas Lennon, Michael Ian Black (as the announcer, "Johnny Blue Jeans"), Kerry Kinney and Ben Garant. They are all former members of MTV's The State, and so is Michael Jann. However, Mr. Jann was not involved in "Viva Variety", and actually does not provide the voice of the off-screen director in "DDD". That voice is actually Thomas Lennon. -
Jul 16, 1999 1:46:46 PM CDT
Re: the only subject that ever comes up with denise richards
by creamy goodness
... her "hooters." My gawd. Whoever said that they were real should go slam their head in a deep freezer door for at least a good hour. Jeez-usss! I've seen lumps of pure silicone that looked more like breasts! Add those to her lips and her "cheek bones" (for lack of a better word) and we're well on our way to creating a fully conscious cyborg... well... ok, semi-conscious then. Dammit, her cheeks are so inflated that she has a permanent smile plastered (literally?) onto her face. Did anyone see that wretched-yet-oddly-entertaining Starship Troopers? There they are, in the pit of hell, the underbelly of the bug world, her love interest just got his brains sucked out, she's stabbed through the shoulder, and there she is - smiling, still trying to look cute or sexy or something. Aacckk! My IQ permanently dropped 25 points after watching that! Acting ability, sure. Yeah, that's why she's a star now. Sheesh. And yes, Kirsty Alley should stop trying to convince us she's sexy. It's sad. But more importantly we should have movies with plot. Yes. Plot. Hmmm. I think that should be the new ratings system. NPW - No Plot Whatsoever. NPTSO - No Plot to Speak Of. SPBLITTHNW - Some Plot But Less Important Than The Half Naked Women. SPBLITTECGICGIE - Some Plot But Less Important Than the Explosions and/or CGI and/or CGI Explosions. And P - Plot (Adults Only). Wrong talkback I know. Sorry. -CG
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This is just a rip-off of the 1975 Michael Ritchee film, "Smile." See the original. And if you CAN, get ahold of the soundtrack from the aborted Howard Ashman/Alan Mencken musical "Smile," which is DAMN funny.
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Smile also has Geena Davis & Melanie Griffith in it, as well as the GREAT Bruce Dern.
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...and if this film is as funny as Viva Variety, I'm sure it will bomb. Viva Variety is about as funny as watching grass grow. UGH.
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No I am not here to sing her praises, Im here to crack on that two dimensional whore who seems to prove time and again that she can only play the babe with the devilish grin. Well Im sorry but an entire movie should not base it's premise on her good looks, which I am not always impressed with, an actress needs more than fake breasts and a toothy grin, she needs character and pizazz, neither of which she has. As for Kirsten Dunst, I think she is selling herself short by opting for a role like this, she could be a great actress, she just needs the right parts. As for Denise, she'll find she can only do well naked, sorry hon those are the breaks when you can't act.
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Go see Lake Placid, and LOOK AT THOSE SNAPPERS!!!
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Because often stuff that is so cruel isn't funny is splashed in our faces and we scorn the films and they are often awful and/or puzzling(From Dusk Till Dawn, Zero Effect, Getting Away With Murder, A Life Less Ordinary, Very Bad Things). Grosse Pointe Blank tried to sugarcoat dark comedy by having the hitman only kill killers, but it seemed unrealistic. I liked Grosse a little, however.
Drop Dead Gorgeous doesn't look dark from the commercials, but it supposedly is.
I agree/disagree with comments on this page about funny movies. I agree with the Jim Carrey lover's claim that "funny" movies often ARE NOT like Big Daddy(moderately funny) and American Pie(almost everyone liked it, but not funny enough) and even Mary, which didn't have enough laughs.
The only funny movies I saw in the last two or three years were Father's Day, Good Burger, Trial and Error, Mystery Science theater 3000: The Movie and Fierce Creatures. Adam Sandler's have been pretty cool, too. -
Okay, yea, we got accents, well not me, but the people north of the twin cities metropolitian area. So in short, the people that really don't count. Yea, and just so you folks know, it's POP not soda :) I'm not gonna go as far as to say I don't have any trace of an accent, cause it's come up a few times and I do(though I say it's ever so slight). But I have never said "Ya you bet'cha" or "don't'cha know?" But that's okay, it's a fact that some poeple do, and I make fun of them too just like I would with anyone else with a blantantly obvious accent. Does it make that actual accent funny? Hell no, it's just something I do. Cause lets face it, accents stemed from the different parts of America are silly. That's all really. have a good day. Just one more thing....Chicks with british accents rule
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I guess since I'm the one who said I didn't like Jim Carrey that much, I'll respond. I admit I found Ace Ventura funn when I saw it in the theatre but I guess it was because it was different. Then you get the Mask, Ace Ventura II, even Dumb and Dumber I didn't think was all that funny. I find it nearly impossible to like any comedies that come out now unless I see them the night they open because all the comedy is driven by catch-phrases and funny voices that every moron will be spouting out every 9 seconds until I just want to beat them (Austin Powers, Ace Ventura, Billy Madison, etc.). Even without getting overdosed by the film, I just don't find them as funny. What do I like? Well, it's kind of hard to think of too many recent movies. I thought Something About Mary was insanely funny. But beyond that... As Good as it Gets was funny, and anything with Bill Murray. I guess what I like is plot driven humor more than the character driven stuff. Although to an extent it's all character driven. I don't know. I like satire, wit, stuff like that. I'd have to say that the funniest movie I've seen this year was Dr. Strangelove. I got into the Kubrick kick a bit and while I don't love most of his stuff, Dr. Strangelove had me pissing myself. Anyway, that's my answer.
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which puts me in the minority, i realize. i have to agree with Mobly (sp?): dark comedies are rarely hilarious. certainly not like any Jim Carey show. but we should realize that JC couldn't do dark comedy at all--he's definitely limited to slapstick or something close to it. anyway, i went into this movie expecting it to be somewhat entertaining and ended up laughing all the way through it. the actresses may be limited, but they played their roles (which were all hilariously stereotyped) very well. i think the performances were supposed to be two-dimensional. overall, i found it pretty hilarious! maybe it was because i didn't go in expecting it to be really funny, but i enjoyed it.
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