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Massawyrm observes and reports on PAUL BLART: MALL COP!!

Published at: Jan. 16, 2009, 9:47 a.m. CST


Hola all. Massawyrm here. Every once in a while a movie comes along that sports a trailer that just drops your jaw and creates an audible POP as air rushes into the vacuum created by your balls shooting back into your abdomen to hide. And sometimes, when you have a job like mine, you have to see said film and give it a fair shake. But before you walk in, a version of that movie plays in your head that threatens your sanity with its soul crushing banality. And then the movie starts. And it is every bit as bad as you thought it was. No more. No less. Not a single surprise to break up the monotony. That movie, rather predictably, is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I almost can’t even believe I’m typing those words. Just say it out loud. Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It has this strange, almost ethereal sound that simply sucks the life out of the room – like it was some phrase Gandalf uttered to hold back the Balrog or something. PALLBLART MOLKOP – NONE SHALL PASS!!! Recent scientific studies show that each word uttered actually shortens your lifespan by a minute. And you can believe that, because it’s science. Just say those words one more time – but this time try to imagine a universe in which this movie was a good idea. Now thank God for putting your ass firmly entrenched in a universe where it wasn’t. This movie is exactly what it looks like. It is Die Hard with fat jokes. And I’m not even trying to be clever. It’s fucking Die Hard. Almost every major scene and every major plot point has some kind of reference here. They steal so many great moments and ALMOST try to parody them at points - without ever possessing any sort of knowledge as to how to appropriately parody said scenes – that it almost becomes offensive to fans. And while they never approach a Seltzer/Friedberg level of “Do you get it, do you get it, do you get it,” it’s never done in a manner in which either A) the audience interested in seeing it will even get it and B) the audience that get it will find it in the slightest bit funny. Hey look! It’s the crawling through the vent scene – only this time the fat guy falls through knocking out the bad guys! Ooooh! It’s the “villains commenting on the swat team’s by-the-book tactics” scene! Oh! The big roof fight! And the sniveling guy who gives up the girlfriend! And the surprise shot from a shaky gun scene! BUT WITH FAT JOKES! In fact, there are very few scenes in this NOT directly lifted from the 1988 classic. It’s almost not so much a film as it is a Kevin James Sweded vanity project. And it made me laugh. ONCE. And the joke isn’t really worth repeating. The rest of the film is just as lifeless, dull and uninspired as it looks. And it is every bit as good as director Steve Carr’s previous efforts Daddy Day Care, Rebound, Next Friday, Dr. Doolittle 2 and Are We Done Yet? If you’ve seen any ONE of these films, you know the level of quality to expect from Paul Blart: Mall Cop. This is not a guy you go to when you want to make a quality family film. He’s the guy you go to when no one else will take your calls. Look, I like Kevin James. The guy has a quality to him that is just plain likable. He could very well be playing a great, charismatic every man in solid comedies. But his buddies over at Happy Madison aren’t doing him any favors by letting him swing at these low pitches in the dirt. This is just a classically shitty movie that will become this year’s buzzword for bad movies. Expect to hear the occasional “Well, it’s no Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” when referring to something weak- whether or not ANYONE bothers to see this lame ass festering dung pile. I could go on and on about this, questioning the asinine choice to make all the villains X-Games bronze medalists or the fact that it’s nothing short of a 90 minute Segway commercial – but really, what’s the fucking point? This movie was just a bad idea seen to its logical conclusion. There’s nothing you can pull out and say “this is where it went wrong” short of the point at which someone said “Hey, let’s remake Die Hard with an overweight, narcoleptic, hypoglycemic rent a cop.” You know it’s shitty. I sure as hell know it’s shitty. Let’s just call it a day, huh? Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm
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