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Massawyrm observes and reports on PAUL BLART: MALL COP!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here. Every once in a while a movie comes along that sports a trailer that just drops your jaw and creates an audible POP as air rushes into the vacuum created by your balls shooting back into your abdomen to hide. And sometimes, when you have a job like mine, you have to see said film and give it a fair shake. But before you walk in, a version of that movie plays in your head that threatens your sanity with its soul crushing banality. And then the movie starts. And it is every bit as bad as you thought it was. No more. No less. Not a single surprise to break up the monotony. That movie, rather predictably, is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I almost can’t even believe I’m typing those words. Just say it out loud. Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It has this strange, almost ethereal sound that simply sucks the life out of the room – like it was some phrase Gandalf uttered to hold back the Balrog or something. PALLBLART MOLKOP – NONE SHALL PASS!!! Recent scientific studies show that each word uttered actually shortens your lifespan by a minute. And you can believe that, because it’s science. Just say those words one more time – but this time try to imagine a universe in which this movie was a good idea. Now thank God for putting your ass firmly entrenched in a universe where it wasn’t. This movie is exactly what it looks like. It is Die Hard with fat jokes. And I’m not even trying to be clever. It’s fucking Die Hard. Almost every major scene and every major plot point has some kind of reference here. They steal so many great moments and ALMOST try to parody them at points - without ever possessing any sort of knowledge as to how to appropriately parody said scenes – that it almost becomes offensive to fans. And while they never approach a Seltzer/Friedberg level of “Do you get it, do you get it, do you get it,” it’s never done in a manner in which either A) the audience interested in seeing it will even get it and B) the audience that get it will find it in the slightest bit funny. Hey look! It’s the crawling through the vent scene – only this time the fat guy falls through knocking out the bad guys! Ooooh! It’s the “villains commenting on the swat team’s by-the-book tactics” scene! Oh! The big roof fight! And the sniveling guy who gives up the girlfriend! And the surprise shot from a shaky gun scene! BUT WITH FAT JOKES! In fact, there are very few scenes in this NOT directly lifted from the 1988 classic. It’s almost not so much a film as it is a Kevin James Sweded vanity project. And it made me laugh. ONCE. And the joke isn’t really worth repeating. The rest of the film is just as lifeless, dull and uninspired as it looks. And it is every bit as good as director Steve Carr’s previous efforts Daddy Day Care, Rebound, Next Friday, Dr. Doolittle 2 and Are We Done Yet? If you’ve seen any ONE of these films, you know the level of quality to expect from Paul Blart: Mall Cop. This is not a guy you go to when you want to make a quality family film. He’s the guy you go to when no one else will take your calls. Look, I like Kevin James. The guy has a quality to him that is just plain likable. He could very well be playing a great, charismatic every man in solid comedies. But his buddies over at Happy Madison aren’t doing him any favors by letting him swing at these low pitches in the dirt. This is just a classically shitty movie that will become this year’s buzzword for bad movies. Expect to hear the occasional “Well, it’s no Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” when referring to something weak- whether or not ANYONE bothers to see this lame ass festering dung pile. I could go on and on about this, questioning the asinine choice to make all the villains X-Games bronze medalists or the fact that it’s nothing short of a 90 minute Segway commercial – but really, what’s the fucking point? This movie was just a bad idea seen to its logical conclusion. There’s nothing you can pull out and say “this is where it went wrong” short of the point at which someone said “Hey, let’s remake Die Hard with an overweight, narcoleptic, hypoglycemic rent a cop.” You know it’s shitty. I sure as hell know it’s shitty. Let’s just call it a day, huh? Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm
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Readers Talkback
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  • Jan. 16, 2009, 9:51 a.m. CST

    I like Kevin James

    by TheBlackKnight

    I knew this looked bad, but it's still saddening.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Oh, and 345th

    by TheBlackKnight

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 9:53 a.m. CST

    i love Die Hard

    by TheBaxter

    and i love fat jokes. this sounds right up my alley.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 9:54 a.m. CST


    by Automaton Overlord

    So you don't like it because it's a diehard parody? you should explain how it's not well done, I usualy like your reviews Massa

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 9:56 a.m. CST


    by PTSDPete

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 9:57 a.m. CST

    kevin james: likeable as hell


    his standup is great, king of queens was entertaining yeah, it was sad to see him attached to this thing. he needs to be in comedies, and not ones that rely on his size- just his 'everyman' qualities.<P>i heard two middle aged women talking about movies the other day at lunch- one sheepishly said 'i want to see that mall cop movie'..and the other was like 'what movie'..and the first replied even more embarassed..'um..paul blart..mall cop?'<P>i swear i heard crickets before they were sucked into the vacuum of silence created by her friends. until another one changed the subject to a better movie and i think the first woman went into the bathroom to cry.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 9:58 a.m. CST


    by PTSDPete

    Fuck. </p>Saw the ' no comments posted yet ' blurb, probably for the first time in my fucking life.</p></p>Then it gets screwed over, so damn fast. It's painful.</p>

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:01 a.m. CST

    Who are the ad wizards...

    by wampa 1

    ...that came up with this one?

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:01 a.m. CST

    So, did you like it?

    by Corterville

    Paul Blart is the new Epic Movie.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:02 a.m. CST

    the review doesn't need to be that complicated.

    by fofo

    Its more like, if you like Kevin James, then you will enjoy this movie. I enjoyed it for what it was, Kevin James being Kevin James. I laughed during it, and enjoyed the die hard references.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:08 a.m. CST

    Wow ^

    by Arteska

    The plants don't even try to hide anymore do they...

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Blart rhymes with fart

    by Jor-El23

    and that is pretty much why this movie got made...Is there a scene at the start of the movie where a young Paul Blart is dressed up as a police officer because that's what he wants to be when he grows up? Then he gets made fun of by the neighborhood kids because his name rhymes with fart? That's how I would start the movie if i was writer/director and if I had been given a frontal lobotomy.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Must not like fat mall cops

    by Cajunsblues

    but they are the cornerstone of mall society. who else will tell you to not sit on the escalator. besides Brody

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:11 a.m. CST

    "I Like Kevin James"

    by Aquatarkusman

    Reminds me of the slow kid in the department store in 'A Christmas Story' who liked Santa, The Wizard of Oz, and Howie Mandel.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:11 a.m. CST

    "We Are Out of 'Blart' License Plates

    by Aquatarkusman

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:11 a.m. CST

    But what about the nudity? Do we get full wang or not?

    by gruntybear

    90 minutes of Kevin James, full-frontal, just scratching hisself - I would pay well, "more money than you can imagine" to see it over and over and over again. Smokin' hawt.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:13 a.m. CST

    I'm surprised

    by I am_NOTREAL

    I was expecting an early contender for Best Picture of 2009.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:13 a.m. CST

    it's no 'epic movie'


    i'm not a plant or supporter of mall cop, but come on- there's no comparison. blart at least is a comedic a 'what if die hard happened in a mall with a fat loser mall cop?'..where as the epic movie flicks don't even parody- they're just like 'look- it's captain jack sparrow! and then he breakdances.<P>i liken mall cop to the level of alot of the SNL cast's first movies. an overlong skit based on a character that wasn't that great to begin with. it's just sad because i'd figure kevin james would be past stuff like this by now.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:15 a.m. CST

    I hope Jim Belushi makes a cameo.

    by Baron Karza

    More cream to the sundae.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:21 a.m. CST

    I'm shocked. Just shocked.

    by lovecraftian

    How could anything called PAUL BLART: MALL COP, from Happy Madison, be anything but a ground-breaking, poignant satire on the socio-economic impact of laissez-faire capitalism on one man who is forced to choose between his coupon for Gloria Jeans or his coupon for Dippin' Dots?

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:26 a.m. CST

    DIE HARD in a mall was always a good idea

    by SpyGuy

    But Kevin James starring as Fat Mall Cop is not.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Don't act like Observe and Report is gonna be any better

    by Garbageman33

    Not if the footage they showed at BNAT is any indication of what we can expect. It's like they took everything that was unfunny about "The Foot Fist Way" and made it even unfunnier.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:30 a.m. CST

    So in 'Blart Harder' he'll be an airport security guy?

    by Spandau Belly

    And ten bucks says Sam Jackson would actually sign on for 'Blart With a Vengeance'.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:34 a.m. CST

    So it's Mallrats meets Spy Hard?

    by ricarleite

    Cool. Be sure to avoid it. Thanks Massa, excelent review.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:36 a.m. CST

    "Blart Harder"

    by lovecraftian

    Kudos. Very funny, sir. Well played.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:38 a.m. CST

    Spandau Belly, you win with "Blart Harder."

    by Shut the Fuck up Donny

    On a side note, somebody needs to regulate Roger Ebert's pain meds again. He gave this film three stars.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:42 a.m. CST

    Blart is a genuine insult in Northern Britain

    by Boba Fat

    Especially in Liverpool, it means useless. So, now you know.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:43 a.m. CST


    by jimmy rabbitte

    Kills ewoks, dead.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:44 a.m. CST

    this still looks better than a Will Ferrell movie...


  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:45 a.m. CST

    But according to the urban dictionary...

    by Boba Fat

    it means women or a bloody fart. Well, you live and learn don't you?

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 10:54 a.m. CST


    by menstrual_blitz

    I just woke somebody up with my laughing.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:03 a.m. CST

    You can do better

    by AugustusGloop

    Come on, Massa, where's the chunks-in-shit metaphors? As bad as this is supposed to be, I'd expect new heights of hilarious scatological commentary. I guess, though, it was just so bad you didn't think it deserved the effort. Maybe you'll Blart Harder next time. (Thanks for making me smile, Spandau Belly) My new sig will be "Live Free or Blart Hard!"

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:08 a.m. CST

    So do Agents Johnson and Johnson make a cameo?

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:19 a.m. CST


    by MaxCalifornia.

    I was gonna go with "Kevin James Gotta Eat", but, yeah that's kind of a fat joke, isn't it. Anyway I like him too, I still watch King of Queens reruns. Hopefully Blart does well enough to get some higher quality scripts sent his way.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:26 a.m. CST


    by Boba Fat

    That's all I've got.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:28 a.m. CST

    The Gandalf reference

    by gooseud

    was pure gold a and likely to be 172 times funnier then anything in this piece of crap.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:29 a.m. CST

    Mall Cops, Mall Cops...

    by Mistahtibbs

    <p>Watcha gonna do?</p> Watcha gonna do when they hassle you?</p> <p>Mall Cops, Mall Cops. Doin' what they please.</p> <p>They got a walkie-talkie and a bunch of keys.</p> Thanks to the fine folks at Street Cents for that little gem.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:37 a.m. CST


    by IndoorPlumbing

    I've never seen someone more mediocre than Kevin James. He is the poor man's Ray Romano, which doesn't say very much.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:40 a.m. CST

    The Gandalf bit is twice as funny

    by Cartagia

    if you say the PALLBLART MOLKOP bit grand and epic and then rush the second half... PALL-BLART-MOL-KOP-noneshallpass!

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:49 a.m. CST

    Roger Ebert

    by Kiera Knightley's Sexy Beanpole

    gave it 3 stars...

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:53 a.m. CST


    by TheBlackKnight

    That made me chuckle. Though, I really hope you're not calling me slow for liking Kevin James.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:56 a.m. CST


    by Stengah


  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:01 p.m. CST

    i also like kevin james

    by pikagreg

    so this is kind of like when your friend says that he is actually not only dating a stripper, but thinking of marrying her just can't do anything for bad judgement

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:13 p.m. CST

    Paul Blart fucked my mother

    by Stengah

    Right on!

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:17 p.m. CST

    Haha Segway: The Movie

    by andrew coleman

    Rather see Bride Wars than this. Lame.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:19 p.m. CST

    Kevin James should make a movie with Keith David.

    by Snake Foreskin

    And David Keith. Is there an actor named James Kevin out there somewhere? If there is a God, then it has to happen.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:26 p.m. CST

    Where the hell is Alonzo Mosely??

    by skimn

    This still has to be better than anything starring Cedric The Entertainer, right. Right?

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:28 p.m. CST

    Ebert LOVED Blart!!!

    by Deandome

    3 Stars Phrases like "astonishingly inventive" and "drop-dead hilarious" were dropped (the latter appeared in the paper, but not in the online review. This WILL be the #1 movie this weekend, whether it needs it or not, and look for the gushing Ebert blurbs to be splashed across the newspaper & TV ads. Sure it looks pretty stupid, but my 8 yo boy cracks up at ever yad & really wants to see it.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:29 p.m. CST

    Oh no, my wife wants to see this.

    by The_joker

    I guess it could be worse, I could be forced to watch My Bloody Valentine 3D.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:29 p.m. CST

    "..wether it DESERVES it or not"

    by Deandome

    and the answer clearly seems to be "not".

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:29 p.m. CST

    Poor Massa....

    by Pennsy

    Harry, he deserved combat pay for watching that dreck.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:29 p.m. CST

    Kevin James

    by Merkin Muffley

    Doesn't even know what "appeasement" means!

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:32 p.m. CST

    Did Kevin James eat Kevin James?

    by Snake Foreskin

    Because he looks twice the size he used to on King of Queens. Pretty soon he'll be making "Henry Farfegnugen, Shut In" where Adam Sandler plays a retarded boy named Pooperhead Johnson who lives next door to a hugely fat man who can't even leave his bed, let alone his house.<p> Sandler's character brings Farfegnugen buckets of fried chicken and boxes of doughnuts each day out of a simpleton's love. It's a love story, really.<p> It could be a "parody" of Titanic. In the end, the house collapses under the sheer weight of Farfegnugen. Pooperhead Johnson, unable to climb out, allows Farfegnugen to eat him in order to survive just one more day. Celine Dion and Slayer team up to provide a haunting soundtrack.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Kevin Smith should have done this

    by I Dunno

    Originally, "Die Hard in a Mall" was going to be the sequel to Mallrats. Except Mallrats tanked.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Maybe Kevin James ate Kevin Smith.

    by Snake Foreskin

    That is what God wants.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:42 p.m. CST

    So, would the 3rd sequel be...

    by Chest_Rockwell

    Live Free or Die Blart?

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:44 p.m. CST

    Who did Massa piss off and order him to review this?

    by Rickey Henderson

    Jesus Massa, Rickey's seen you jump on some hand grenades, but this takes the cake. Maybe if you offer to clip Harry's toenails he'll let you review good movies again?

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:52 p.m. CST

    Does Blart eat at Sbarro?

    by Dr Gregory House

    Where does this movie take place? Some mall in the black void known as New Jersey? Is Jon Bon Jovi in this?

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 12:57 p.m. CST

    Paul Shart: Mall Crap

    by Kankennon

    What, was Larry the Cable Guy too busy? <p> I always thought that Slayer could do an epic cover of "My Heart Will Go On."

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:01 p.m. CST

    I was watching "World's Best Pranks"...

    by Dollar Bird

    ...with my friend's 12-year-old son. When the ad for this abomination came on, I instinctively turned to him and said, "I bet you want to see this." He laughed and said. "Yeah, it looks funny." Then, while Paul Blart skidded across the floor, he fell into fits of laughter. So, there's your audience. Also, t?his movie reminds me of "Who's Harry Crumb?" and the whole "Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy" skit from MST3K.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:05 p.m. CST

    Kevin James is as funny

    by Chadley BeBay

    As people dying of AIDS in a concentration camp. He puts zero energy/effort in to his performances...Sickeningly bad

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:12 p.m. CST

    I'm sorry but 'Daddy Day Care' was a decent flick...

    by Cap'n Jack

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:12 p.m. CST

    Rickey Henderson

    by Xiphos_2

    That poor bastard Massa always takes it in the shorts with the shitty movies. He's a brave little soldier.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:16 p.m. CST

    Is Paul Blart gonna have to choke a bitch?

    by Clavius

    From Blart 2 - High Voltage

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:20 p.m. CST

    Congrats on the Hall of Fame, Rickey.

    by F-18

    I bet Rickey is proud Rickey got in.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:38 p.m. CST

    Rickey is damned proud

    by Rickey Henderson

    And Rickey knows he can still best that Reyes punk in steals anytime...

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:52 p.m. CST

    Kurzinski Valentine

    by Snake Foreskin

    You really ought to read more! Thanks for the love, though. I need it.<p> I'd ask to add you as a friend on facebook, but I don't have a facebook account.<p> Instead, I opened up an account on - it's way better for networking in Hollywood. But keep it a secret. I don't want my "sure thing" to end up like Ben Affleck's career.<p> By the way, did you hear that Ben Affleck just got cast in a new show? He'll be playing Gary Coleman in the autobiographical series "Just Shoot Me, Man!", set to air on the CW.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 1:53 p.m. CST

    "an audible POP as air rushes into the vacuum created by your ba

    by bravogolfhotel

    Killer review, Massawyrm.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 2:14 p.m. CST


    by alice 13

    i really really thought this would be the movie event of a lifetime.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 2:32 p.m. CST

    i was ready to say paul blart2: blart harder...

    by ironic_name

    until my own brother spandau got there first.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 2:34 p.m. CST

    the apostle 2: apostle harder

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 2:35 p.m. CST

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 2:35 p.m. CST

    Massa is just an Avatar fanboy...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Trying to steer you away from the real eyeball fucking of 2009, Paul Blart: Mall Cop!<p> This is just the first step in a series of Paul Blart movies, that move the cinematic artform firmly forward into the 21st century. Next up is a Terminator homage, in which an evil killer robot from the future is sent back to kill Paul Blart, because in the future he single-handedly saves humanity. It is a showdown in the mall, featuring an exciting segway chase and some tasteful Blart nudity for the ladies...

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 2:39 p.m. CST

    Someone needs to make a good "Campus Police" movie.

    by cookylamoo

    Showing the true-life battle to thwart dopers and snoggers at our nations colleges and universities.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 2:50 p.m. CST

    Blart 2 "the son of blart" - Hall Monitor

    by Stengah

    "Riveting Film!!"

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Fuck this movie

    by Cruel_Kingdom

    That is all.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 3:16 p.m. CST

    This Movie Is The Anal Rape Of Comedies

    by Broseph


  • Jan. 16, 2009, 3:27 p.m. CST

    check the suburbs.

    by La.Cucaracha

    The cookie-cutter house families are loving this movie. James is Chris Farley without the drug addition. Look, a fat guy that's funny. Yes, it's mindless, but the producers are aiming for that demographic, making a movie that the family will bond at and bring in more money than the comic book nerd will blog about. Flame the film all you want but Betty Crocker doesn't care.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 3:33 p.m. CST



    Doesn't sound bad. Can't be any worse than that fucking piece of shit Die Hard 4 this site pimped. <P> Fuck this. I'm boycotting the shit out of Watchmen, Avatar, and Wolverine and paying for Paul Blart three fucking times. I won't actually sit through the piece of shit, I'll sneak into something better.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 3:49 p.m. CST

    Just a little comsumer alert

    by skimn

    According to Yahoo news, Circuit City will start liquidating merchandise tomorrow morning through March as a result of their bankruptcy. Danny, I know you really do want a BluRay, time now to pick up a cheapie.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 3:49 p.m. CST

    Kevin James sucks

    by Thrillho77

    I have no idea why people watch King of Queens or why they think his flaccid stand-up is funny.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 3:52 p.m. CST

    Paul Blart: Wal-Mart

    by Reckoner

    The sequel has him demoted to greeter at Wal-Mart.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 3:54 p.m. CST


    by applescruff

    I saw Observe And Report in its entirety at a screening on the WB lot this past September. Its not great, but its not horrible either. This Blart shit looks pretty fucking horrible. Observe And Report at least has Ray Liotta and Michael Pena is actually funny in that shit. Seth Rogen is sadly not that great though. I walked in expecting him to transcend all that talk of him being one-note, and a grating note at that, but if you walk into that movie with a bad opinion of him, its most likely gonna stay that way. The best thing you can say about him in it is he's at least a little bit tougher than the bitchy stoner he's played in every other movie.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 3:56 p.m. CST

    Oh yeah....

    by applescruff

    and Anna Faris is getting better as she does more movies. Who knew? I actually thought she was funny in that movie. But overall I'd give Observe And Report a 6.5 or 7 out of 10. 7 if I'm feeling generous.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4 p.m. CST

    Re: check the suburbs

    by skimn

    Just as Disney's rat-dog movie opened big to families, this too is a family friendly-PG rated comedy that shoots across the lowest common denominator. The teenagers will clog Valentine, Mr. and Mrs. Suburban Family will see this. Bet both open very close to one another in the low to mid 20 million dollar range.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:03 p.m. CST

    blart 3: spaceblart!

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:04 p.m. CST

    Flame all you want. Betty Crocker doesn't care.

    by ironic_name

    new catchphrase

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:05 p.m. CST

    BLART THE FOURTH: paul meets shrek

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:07 p.m. CST

    history of the mall blart 5: whole lotta blartin' goin' on

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:08 p.m. CST

    paul blart 6: the voyage home

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:08 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:09 p.m. CST

    the blarting of the shrew

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:10 p.m. CST

    Wild At Blart

    by skimn

    The David Lynch version.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:11 p.m. CST

    Home Is Where The Blart Is

    by skimn

    Oh we go...

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:12 p.m. CST

    paul blart 8: time cop

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:13 p.m. CST

    my blarty valentine

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:15 p.m. CST

    my own private blartaho

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:16 p.m. CST

    the blart knight

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:17 p.m. CST

    the day the blart stood still

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:17 p.m. CST

    blart of the dead

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:18 p.m. CST

    the slow and the obese: tokyo drift

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:19 p.m. CST

    segways of fire

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:20 p.m. CST

    quantum of segway

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:20 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:21 p.m. CST

    transblarters 2: rise of the blood pressure

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:21 p.m. CST

    when blart met xenu

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:22 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

    blarta veranda necktie

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:23 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

    blarta veranda necktie

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:23 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

    blarta veranda necktie

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:23 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

    blarta veranda necktie

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:24 p.m. CST

    paul blart 27: robomallcop

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:25 p.m. CST

    any which way but blart

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:26 p.m. CST

    Next time there's a review for a movie this shitty...

    by Ravetin

    ...can we dispense with the paragraphs of tired "so bad I literally punched my wife in the face" attempts at jokes and the "There's a moment so ungodly horrible I shit my pants...but I won't tell you about it" teases and just get a list of the worst moments from the film?

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:26 p.m. CST

    a blart in the sun

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:27 p.m. CST

    mall cop 29: the quickening

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:29 p.m. CST

    blart 30: blartwarriors

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:30 p.m. CST

    pual blart 32: Pig In the City

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:31 p.m. CST

    blart 33: The Eye of Braxus

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:31 p.m. CST

    blart v Guiron

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:32 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:32 p.m. CST

    sunday blarty sunday

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:32 p.m. CST

    mall cop down

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:34 p.m. CST

    paul blart 35: Curse of the fat panther

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:35 p.m. CST

    paul blart 36: blart With a Vengeance

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:35 p.m. CST

    live free or paul blart

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:36 p.m. CST

    paul blart 37: Jason Takes Manhattan

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:39 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:40 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:40 p.m. CST

    the blartening

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:42 p.m. CST

    blarts in atlantis

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:42 p.m. CST

    blartdog millionaire

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:43 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:44 p.m. CST

    blartlestar mallcoptica

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:45 p.m. CST

    paul blart: first blood part 42

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:47 p.m. CST

    schwinn city: that yellow blart

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:47 p.m. CST

    blart on a hot tin segway

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:48 p.m. CST

    once was mallcop

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:48 p.m. CST

    the 400 blarts

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:49 p.m. CST

    blartman begins

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:50 p.m. CST

    the blart identity

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:50 p.m. CST

    the blart supremacy

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:50 p.m. CST

    the blart ultimatum

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:50 p.m. CST

    blart comes to frogtown

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:51 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:51 p.m. CST

    iron blart

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:52 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:52 p.m. CST

    gi paul

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:53 p.m. CST

    big mallcop in little segway

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:55 p.m. CST

    places in the blart

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:55 p.m. CST

    horton hears a blart

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:56 p.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:57 p.m. CST

    paul blart: skymall cop

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:57 p.m. CST

    blart v hulk

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:58 p.m. CST

    paul blart 55: ghostblart!

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:59 p.m. CST

    Idiotic decision: Adding "Paul Blart" to the title.

    by riskebiz

    Honestly ... what marketing genius decided that instead of calling the movie MALL COP it should be called PAUL BLART: MALL COP? Were they trying to find the biggest, un-memorable, mouthful of a title they could find? Idiotic. Advertising 101 and they blew it. I can almost hear the genius now "Paul Blart" is a funny sounding name! People will love it! ______ No. They'll forget it, stupid. MALL COP was the way to go and they over thought it to death.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:59 p.m. CST

    blartilon 5

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 4:59 p.m. CST

    risky blartness

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5 p.m. CST

    the dablart code

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5 p.m. CST

    blartlander : endgame

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5:01 p.m. CST

    Thank you ironic_name

    by slimballs

    Very Funny

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5:02 p.m. CST

    I beat the galactica thread!

    by ironic_name

    I'm a small man. give me this victory.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5:03 p.m. CST

    paul blart and the blarneteers!

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5:03 p.m. CST

    thankyou <P> try the veal!

    by ironic_name


  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5:05 p.m. CST

    one more

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5:06 p.m. CST

    the quick and the blart

    by ironic_name


  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5:12 p.m. CST

    drink in the soup that is my awsomeness.

    by ironic_name

    bathe in it. rub the milky goodness into your tits.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 5:23 p.m. CST

    Sweet Jesus!

    by caruso_stalker217

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 6:10 p.m. CST

    Given this talkback --

    by Pompoulus

    I think this movie was a horrible, tragic waste of the word 'blart'.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 6:17 p.m. CST

    Blartlefield Earth ?

    by MaxCalifornia.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 6:21 p.m. CST

    Blart does Bond

    by MaxCalifornia.

    Let's just get them all out of the way in one post : Dr. Blart, From Blart with love (or From Russia with Blart), Blartfinger, Thunderblart, You only Blart twice, On Blart's secret service, Diamonds are Blart, Live and let Blart, The Blart with the Golden Gun (or The man with the Golden Blart), The Blart who loved me, Blartraker, For Blart's eyes only, OctoBlart (Blartpussy?), Never Say Blart Again, A View to a Blart, The Blarting Daylights, Licence to Blart, GoldenBlart, Blart Never Dies, The Blart is not enough, Blart another day, Blartino Royale, Quantum of Blart. Phew!

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 6:27 p.m. CST

    superfluous review

    by Dijjot

    though " like it was some phrase Gandalf uttered to hold back the Balrog or something. PALLBLART MOLKOP – NONE SHALL PASS!!! " was pretty hilarious, most of it could be summed up with the sentence including the directors other "works" including doctor doolittle 2. The fat guy in the lead is actually surprisingly mediocre as an actor. I think he was on opie&anthony or someshit. Sounds like a sweetheart, but fuck man, do something else.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 6:33 p.m. CST

    Even the name "Paul Blart"

    by buffywrestling

    sounds like so much spewage. Again, Massa takes one for the team.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 6:53 p.m. CST

    observe and report?

    by necgray

    I wonder how reviews are going to go for Observe and Report? I know, different movies, but as much as I hate Foot Fist Fucking Bore, I want all the mall cop movies to be pieces of shit.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 7:10 p.m. CST

    La fores mall cop

    by kingoflight

    i even heard he's got two kills!

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 9:14 p.m. CST

    Blarton Fink

    by Nasty In The Pasty

    A Coen Brothers film.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:15 p.m. CST

    But is it worse than BRIDE WARS?

    by Darkman

    The box...says no.

  • Jan. 16, 2009, 11:37 p.m. CST

    Anyone who laughs during a screening of this film...............

    by crackerfarmboy

    should be immediately arrested and never heard from again. The only way to stop the disease is to cut it off at the source...

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 12:12 a.m. CST

    Home Alone 4: Alone in the Mall

    by antonphd

    This movie was home alone if kevin grew up to be kevin james the mall cop. That's it. I saw it after reading this review. I just had surgury on my ass and I thought that if I saw this movie that it would be painful enough to make me forget my ass pain for a couple hours. I was SHOCKED to arrive at the theater, 20 minutes late and not exactly in a hurry, to find that it had SOLD OUT. I got in and stood at the back for 10 minutes grimacing at the film and grimacing even more by the CONSTANT LAUGHTER from the crowd. I live in a medium sized fairly liberal city. I was literally thinking that I must have walked into a meeting of retarded Palin fans. But then I spotted a seat at the last row at the end of the row and the people were very warm in welcoming to sit next to them. I get a kind of addicted fulfillment from sitting in a theater watching a movie... so, I thought... well, I'm seeing Gran Torino and Doubt tomorrow... I can at least tolerate sitting in the theater thinking about how I'm not stuck watching an episode of Ghost Whisperer with my wife(who refused to see this movie with me despite how many times I gave her the sympathy after surgury plea look). Sitting down I started to see better and realized that the room was filled with families with kids. As I watched the movie and started laughing with everyone else I realized that I was watching a kid movie. Was it a good movie? No. Would I watch it again? Maybe with my nephews and nieces. Will there be a sequel? Absolutely there will be a sequel. Will I watch it in the theater? Only if I have to have ass surgury again and I can't drive farther than the 3 blocks to the mall theater that is only playing Hotel for Dogs and Marley and Me and Bedtime Stories.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 12:21 a.m. CST

    Massa, I had the same reaction with FORREST GUMP.

    by Bob Cryptonight

    The trailer looked deeply stupid, inanely sentimental, and Tom Hanks was doing some sort of a retard voice that made Larry Drake on L.A. LAW look like Olivier. And watching the movie, except for the effects to remove Sinise's legs, the movie had no surprise at all and was just a routine Hollywood "important" movie that is really just crap. It sucks, actually, when your expectations are met.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 1:09 a.m. CST


    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 1:17 a.m. CST

    This one time

    by papawapa

    I Blarted so hard I popped a blood vessel in my eye.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 1:18 a.m. CST

    Oh and

    by papawapa

    The Curious Case of Benjamin Blarton

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 1:49 a.m. CST

    I see no mention of Jason Ellis' performance

    by tbransonlives

    Red Dragons!

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 2:19 a.m. CST

    It's a Blart Blart Blart Blart World

    by MaxCalifornia.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:19 a.m. CST

    This movie should have been made for Disney Channel

    by Orionsangels

    Starring Rico from Hanna Montana

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:20 a.m. CST

    The role was really meant for Will Smith

    by Orionsangels

    But since Will Smith is making every other movie known to man, he couldn't fit it in to his hectic, white directors wanna fuck me up the ass, schedule.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:51 a.m. CST

    20 bucks says...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD will end up loving this movie.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 5:32 a.m. CST

    Most of you here remind me of...

    by Mistahtibbs

    <p>...the gang o' reviewers they'd have on Canada AM up here in America's Hat.© They'd all give their "review" of a movie and often each would try to out "wit" the other with their put-downs of movies they all thought sucked. Seriously. Aren't you all a bunch of whiny, pretentious, arthouse bitches. Yeah, the movie looks stupid but every once in awhile stupid's like a sorbet after a heavy meal. Cleanses the palate from all the "real" movies out there. Besides, what the fuck's wrong with slapstick? I won't be seeing this in the theatre but I'll watch it when it comes out on the satellite in HD. Kevin James in HD. Better order the EXTRA wide-screen TV. Haha! Fat joke! Yay.</p> <p></p> assholes.</p> MT

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 8:15 a.m. CST

    You must remember this

    by Iowa Snot Client

    The "Die Hard in a supermarket" skit from the old Ben Stiller show? Do they have that on those DVD whatchamacallims now?

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:05 a.m. CST

    die hard

    by writerfrank

    "Die Hard". Still the best pure action ever. Kevin James? Well, he was damn good on tv.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:33 a.m. CST

    I thought they already did a Die Hard parody...

    by rbatty024

    Wasn't it called Die Hard 4? <p> Anyway, even though the film looks like absolute shit, I think a Die Hard parody, if done right, could actually work. It's still the greatest action film ever made. I watch it every Christmas morning. <p> The strangest thing about this review was that Massawyrm wrote it and it was at times humorous and insightful. Wow, good job.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Good Blart Hunting

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:49 a.m. CST

    The Blart That My Heart Skipped

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:50 a.m. CST

    Trois Couleurs: Blart

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Nobody's Blart But My Own

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Summer of Blart: A Spike Jonze Joint

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:52 a.m. CST

    They Shoot Blarts, Don't They?

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Road To Blartition

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:54 a.m. CST

    A Feeling Called Blart

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:54 a.m. CST

    My Mother, My Blart

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Women On The Verge of Nervous Blart

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Blart Wish 4: The Blartdown

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:56 a.m. CST

    The Good, The Blart, and The Seguay

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Natural Blart Killers

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:58 a.m. CST

    Blart Race 2000: Seguays In The Slammer

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Confessions of a Blart

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Blart's Big Score

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 10 a.m. CST

    Blart Another Day

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 10 a.m. CST

    Eyes Wide Blart

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 10:01 a.m. CST

    David Mamet's Redblart

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 10:02 a.m. CST

    There Will Be Blart

    by Spandau Belly

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 10:19 a.m. CST

    This isn't an arthouse film

    by The_joker

    It's a Blarthouse film. Ba dum Bump!

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 2:10 p.m. CST

    by dr sauch


  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:17 p.m. CST

    You like Kevin James,, I like turtles

    by TRON

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:18 p.m. CST

    The Lord of the Malls: The Return of Paul Blart

    by TheBlackKnight

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:27 p.m. CST

    Blartpocolypse Now

    by Loosejerk

    Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking movie. Plot hole central. But my kids liked it...and unfortunately I gave it 3 paid admissions.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:50 p.m. CST

    blart, lies, and videotape.

    by Die_Hardest

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:50 p.m. CST


    by Die_Hardest

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:52 p.m. CST

    The Blartfather

    by Die_Hardest

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:52 p.m. CST


    by Die_Hardest

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:53 p.m. CST

    Star Blart Episode V

    by Die_Hardest

    The Empire Strikes Blart.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:54 p.m. CST

    Silence of the Blarts

    by Die_Hardest

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:55 p.m. CST


    by Die_Hardest

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:56 p.m. CST


    by Die_Hardest

    The first casualty in war is... Blart.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 3:57 p.m. CST

    Full Metal Blart

    by Die_Hardest

    I think I'm done.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 4:57 p.m. CST

    His Last Name Sounds Like FART!! LOLOLOL

    by polyh3dron

    Fuck this movie.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 5:50 p.m. CST

    2001: a blart odyssey

    by ironic_name

    sorry for starting this.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 5:51 p.m. CST

    dude, wheres my blart?

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Always thought that Kevin James should...

    by mrfan

    stick to supporting roles.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 7:23 p.m. CST

    "Didn't mean to...PICK on ya."

    by Darkman

    "He's alone, he's hungry and he's running out of one-liners!"

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:30 p.m. CST


    by yubnubrocks

    I thought it was damn funny. I wish we could get more "family" comedies like this rather than: DOOGAL or some PG-13 movie. Good fun.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:37 p.m. CST


    by yubnubrocks

    So, funny tangent: So tonight, AFTER this movie (rated PG), I rented The Goonies for my son and I (he's 8). Now I haven't seen that movie in at least 20 years, and stupid me is think "Oh, it's rated PG - no harm." HOLY FUCK. If they rated that movie now? An easy PG-13, possibly R for all the swearing and sex references. Has anyone had the fucking sense to go back and re-rate movies? seriously. I know, my fault for not pre-screening it - my memory's gone bad...

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:48 p.m. CST

    You forgot "Blart X"

    by SlyAndTheFamilyStallone

    It takes place in space, he gets destroyed but is rebuilt by nanoblarts.

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:52 p.m. CST


    by Pennsy

  • Jan. 17, 2009, 9:55 p.m. CST

    Forgetting Paul Blart.

    by Pennsy

    Even Aldous Snow wouldn't go near that.

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 1:16 a.m. CST


    by polyh3dron

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 1:22 a.m. CST

    The Dark Blart

    by polyh3dron

    I took Gotham's white knight and brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. See madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes it a little BLART.

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 1:51 a.m. CST

    Kirk Douglas is BLARTACUS

    by MaxCalifornia.

    I like that scene where everyone stands up and says "I'm Blartacus!"

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 1:52 a.m. CST

    24 Hour Blarty People

    by MaxCalifornia.

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 8:35 a.m. CST

    american blart x

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 8:36 a.m. CST

    regarding paul<P> cloverblart <P> the spy who loved blart

    by ironic_name

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 1:10 p.m. CST

    Blarts On A Plane

    by thelordofhell

    "Get these motherfuckin' Blarts of this motherfuckin' plane". Oh, and by the way, Kevin James is just Chris Farley without the drug habit....that's not really saying much.

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Big Weekend For Fat Fucks In Cinema....

    by thelordofhell

    Paul Blart: Fat Fuck pulls in 33 million.....Notorious Fat Fuck pulls in 21 million. That buys a lot of Pink's chili dogs. So eat it up you fat fuckin' bastarts, maybe someday, you too will rule the box office!!!

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 3:48 p.m. CST

    Number One Movie This Week.

    by mrfan

    Go Kevin James.

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 9:18 p.m. CST


    by MaxCalifornia.

    ...Defiance, a movie about Jews starving, came in eighth place.

  • Jan. 18, 2009, 9:55 p.m. CST

    $33.8 million, the sequel is greenlit, it is called...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    The Brothers Blart.<p> After his heroism in the original, Paul Blart is hired by Fox News Channel to cover the big news stories when Joe the Plumber isn't available.<p> Paul's slacker/nerdy brother Bill Blart (Patton Oswalt) manages to get a job as a production assistant. They are sent to Washington to cover a major peace signing treaty between various amusingly fictionalley titled Middle Eastern countries. Promised an interview with President Obama (The black guy from King of Queens) they accidentally allow terrorists to kidnap the President.<p> Now it is up to the Brothers Blart to rescue the President, save the Middle East peace agreement, avoid being arrested for treason and for Paul to hook up with a far too hot to even look at him Presidential aide (Jennifer Alba or Beale, whoever is cheapest).<p> The Brothers Blart, Spring 2010...

  • Jan. 19, 2009, 2:23 a.m. CST


    by deanbarry

    awww...i missed it. Paul Blart...hmmm. Seriously? Naaa...pass.

  • Jan. 19, 2009, 7:41 a.m. CST

    Sequel to be calle Paul Blart: Airport Security

    by Zardozap2005

    All so they can adapt Die Hard 2 with fat jokes. How brilliant is that?

  • Jan. 19, 2009, 9:07 a.m. CST

    Re: Blart:TSA

    by skimn

    Lets not forget a scene where a passengers carry-on gets stuck in the x-ray machine. So PAUL BLART assists in pushing the offending piece of luggage through, only to have his security utility belt get snagged on the conveyor belt, feeding PAUL BLART through the x-ray machine. We view the interior of his stomach which includes a whole turkey leg, large pizza slice, several Big Mac tm hamburgers, and a small stuffed teddy bear. FAT PEOPLE ARE FUNNY.

  • Jan. 19, 2009, 10:35 a.m. CST

    This will lose 65% of its box office...

    by ScottinDC

    by week 2. Cmon - the only reason it made a dime is the shit cold weather that kept people from being outside mixed with the fact that there is little else playing right now. They simply got lucky....the movie's shit. But that never stopped anyone from going to see it (yes, I'm talking about all of you who still swear Daredevil was a good movie and it made it reasonably commercially successful).

  • Jan. 19, 2009, 10:59 a.m. CST

    The families I saw it with loved it.

    by Borgnine JR

    It's just a good family money -making movie. It's hard to find goofd movies to take your kids to that you as an adult can even remotely stand. This one's alright. It serves it's purpose. With all the skateboarding and moutain biking and parkour and the scene where Kj plays guitar hero or whatever in the arcade I think it's pretty clear this one was made with a younger audience in mind.

  • Jan. 19, 2009, 11:45 a.m. CST

    When did Massa become the guy on this site...

    by Shepard Wong

    that reviews every shit film that nobody else was wanted to review? Has it always been this way and I missed it until now? Paul Blart, Bride Wars, Last Chance Harvey...Fuck, somebody send this poor bastard to a good film.

  • Jan. 19, 2009, 8:19 p.m. CST

    Had a few drinks...

    by Balcony Fool

    ... went to see this movie, on account of the goodwill Kevin James has built up over the last ten years. <P> Loved it. Laughed my ass off. <P> Highbrow? No. Smart? Certainly not. Well made? Not by a long shot. Funny? Yep. <P> Wait... did I just describe "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," or "Airplane!"?

  • Jan. 21, 2009, 3:53 p.m. CST


    by TheBaxter

    i loved the first one, A NEW BLART... the exciting story of Luke Blartwalker, who joins up with Obi-Blart Kenobi and the droid Blart-2D2 to defeat Blart Vader and destroy the most terrible weapon in the galaxy, the Death Blart. but the real masterpiece was the 2nd film... THE EMPIRE STRIKES BLART. seeing Blart Solo frozen in Blartonite, the final confrontation where Blart Vader tries to seduce Luke to the Blart Side of the Force, to the stunning revelation when Vader tells Blartwalker, "Luke, I am your Blarter." what a movie!