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Published on Friday, January 9, 2009 - 1:26pm |
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Massawyrm totally breaks up with Anne Hathaway over BRIDE WARS!!
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Have you ever had someone that let you down – that just plain disappointed you? Even though whatever it was that let you down involved someone else who you aren’t the slightest bit disappointed with…because you’ve come to expect that from them? That’s Bride Wars. I don’t know what the fuck Anne Hathaway was thinking. She’s awesome. She’s got a great nose for projects. And she always seems to appear in projects that audiences often find to be much better than they have any right to be at first glance. I will never forget that cockeyed stare Harry gave me the night I went over to his house after posting one of my earliest reviews for the site. “The Princess Diarrhea?” Diaries. “Gay.” You watched it? “Gay.” Watch it, Harry. “Ga-ay.” I remember in that piece discussing what a great young actress Hathaway was and how, if she played her cards right and chose the right roles, she could be a major talent one day.
Guess what? She played her cards right. She chose the right projects. And then she turns around and makes this.
Kate Hudson? By this point I’ve come to expect EXACTLY this kind of movie out of her. She couldn’t smell a wet turd on a hot day from five paces away. She doesn’t need career advice, she needs a bomb sniffing dog and a restraining order against Matthew McConaughey’s people. She doesn’t make good movies. She simply uses her God given talent and charisma to get people to go see very bad ones. So I can’t be angry at her. She’s just doing what is in her nature to do.
But Anne, she’s my pick for Best Actress this year. She blew my doors off in Rachel Getting Married. So to watch her slum it in what I can only imagine is just another casualty of Writer’s Strike filmmaking kind of hurts. It’s not that I expected this to be a whole hell of a lot walking in, but I certainly never imagined it was going to be a nigh unwatchable mess seasoned with a healthy mix of unlikable characters and boring, entirely unbelievable situations.
The film this most reminded me of was How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Not only did it have the same cheap production values and goofy floor wax commercial score – but it seemed to have the very same hatred of women that its predecessor had. The biggest problem with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days was that every woman in the film was either a backstabbing bitch or whiney and entirely lacking in the ability to function on their own in the real world. Every woman but one, that is. Kate Hudson’s character. And that is because she was written as a man. It boggled my mind at just how eagerly women gobbled up a movie about stupid women were, but it worked. And so they’re trying it again.
This movie does not like women at all. It seems to be in love with girlish things and ideas. But not actual girls. Both of the film’s leads are stereotypical time bombs waiting for some occurrence to come along and give them an opportunity to finally use their ticket to take the express train to crazytown. And as you watch two men smile and even celebrate what they love about their soon to be spouses…things that we married men like to refer to as WARNING SIGNS…you quickly become freed of any attachment you might have to the characters and simply sit back and watch a boring hour and a half of lame, catty revenge.
Imagine if Nora Ephron awoke from a dream to pencil down a half baked idea based upon having watched Rushmore just hours before and then that notepad was stolen by someone with no imagination whatsoever that wanted nothing more than to set feminism back 20 years or so. That’s Bride Wars. Lacking a single enjoyable, or hell, even palatable moment, this film meanders from lame girly revenge moment to lame girly revenge moment as two women who were at one time lifelong friends, seek to completely humiliate the other by dying their hair blue, giving them a super orange tan or tricking them into overeating so they won’t fit into their wedding dress. For 90 cringe inducing minutes.
Yeah. It’s Mean Girls for the ladies that found that film a little too cerebral.
But that’s nothing compared to the mind altering surprise twist ending that the film seems eager to set up only to nonsensically try to explain and get away with just short of rolling the credits. It’s a moment so out of left field, so undeserved and cheap, that had I had an ounce of investment in the film, I would have felt robbed. Instead, it was just another thing to add to a laundry list of complaints when trying to unravel at which point this film really went wrong. Was it the constant stream of 3D photo montages that looked more like it belonged in an UHF advertisement for a local wedding planner than it did anything resembling a Hollywood movie? Or was it Candice Bergen’s seemingly contractually obligated droning voiceover explaining to us things that might have been more interesting had they been shown to us instead? The world may never know. Even Hathaway seems to be phoning this in, seemingly grasping the idea that her character actually HAS no character and doing the bare minimum necessary to collect her check and move on to a project with merit.
I know the January/February dumping ground is tough – hell a goodly half of my worst of for last year came from this very same period. I just didn’t realize that this would be a solid contender for next year’s list. But it is. If you run into a moment this weekend in which your significant other offers this film as an option and opines “Really, how bad could it be,” feign an illness. Really. An appendix bursting or something. Because as much as I have a strong distaste for How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, at least that had a romantic chemistry to distract you from the films awfulness. This one doesn’t.
I daresay this is one of Hudson’s worst films. And that’s saying something.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
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Reader Talkback
I want to slip my hand under
Hathaway's boobs. by Damien Chowder | Jan 9th, 2009 12:28:51 PM | 2 by Damien Chowder | Jan 9th, 2009 12:29:40 PM | and 3? by Damien Chowder | Jan 9th, 2009 12:30:05 PM | Have I broken a world record? by Damien Chowder | Jan 9th, 2009 12:32:40 PM | Can you share her Damien? by mrfan | Jan 9th, 2009 12:33:13 PM | Anne Hathaway - FUGLY. by Pennsy | Jan 9th, 2009 12:33:16 PM | I want to slip my hand on her
boobs. by mrfan | Jan 9th, 2009 12:33:37 PM | this sounds good. by frankenfickle | Jan 9th, 2009 12:35:02 PM | Smell a Wet Turd on a Hot Day?
by cowboyone | Jan 9th, 2009 12:40:51 PM | oh great! by Desk of Steel | Jan 9th, 2009 12:41:01 PM | Kate Hudson is simply
following in her mom's by skimn | Jan 9th, 2009 12:41:29 PM | “The Princess Diarrhea?”
Diaries. “Gay.” You
watched it? “Gay.” by AgentArchangel | Jan 9th, 2009 12:41:57 PM | Yes this is my review of any
Hathaway film: by Damien Chowder | Jan 9th, 2009 12:44:24 PM | Speaking of diarrhea... by Desk of Steel | Jan 9th, 2009 12:46:50 PM | mrfan, yes we can all share
cos theres enough room for
all. by Damien Chowder | Jan 9th, 2009 12:46:51 PM | Desk of Steel... by AgentArchangel | Jan 9th, 2009 12:50:23 PM | Women don't come off well in
these fiilms by drewlicious | Jan 9th, 2009 12:51:34 PM | Kate Hudson should have... by Jose_Jones | Jan 9th, 2009 12:57:23 PM | Pardon my dirty mouth, but.... by Desk of Steel | Jan 9th, 2009 01:03:46 PM | "...mind altering surprise
twist ending..." by Big Jim | Jan 9th, 2009 01:07:26 PM | I will be in Hell tonight by matalo | Jan 9th, 2009 01:08:17 PM | Kate Hudson... by NinjaRap | Jan 9th, 2009 01:13:40 PM | the only reason... by havocSchultz | Jan 9th, 2009 01:16:51 PM | skimn by spud mcspud | Jan 9th, 2009 01:21:17 PM | This movie can suck it by spud mcspud | Jan 9th, 2009 01:22:47 PM | Unless the sex is really good by I Dunno | Jan 9th, 2009 01:23:27 PM | I've seen no movies they've
been in by Animation | Jan 9th, 2009 01:25:06 PM | OVERBOARD by Desk of Steel | Jan 9th, 2009 01:25:37 PM | Devil Wears Prada, Get
Smart... by Spandau Belly | Jan 9th, 2009 01:27:27 PM | Kate Hudson needs a punch to
the face by most excellent ninja | Jan 9th, 2009 01:34:50 PM | Anne Hathaway was in one movie by I Dunno | Jan 9th, 2009 01:37:34 PM | I would TOTALLY go see this by Klytus_I.m_Bored | Jan 9th, 2009 01:37:39 PM | I NEED THE ENDING SPOILER!!
LESSSSSBIANS? by dr sauch | Jan 9th, 2009 01:37:55 PM | Animation by most excellent ninja | Jan 9th, 2009 01:38:13 PM | At least I don't have to see
the trailer anymore. by Kid Idioteque | Jan 9th, 2009 01:39:13 PM | klytus by logicalnoise01 | Jan 9th, 2009 01:43:00 PM | Is this Anne's Norbit? by Sequitur | Jan 9th, 2009 01:43:14 PM | So uh..did you pay to see
this? by SomaShine | Jan 9th, 2009 01:46:56 PM | "And "drama" type crap? " by Big Jim | Jan 9th, 2009 01:47:37 PM | Possible spoilers by AgentArchangel | Jan 9th, 2009 01:52:54 PM | Ahhh...Another movie about
Weddings... by kenjinattix | Jan 9th, 2009 01:56:26 PM | THANK YOU FOR SEEING THIS SO
WE DON'T HAVE TO by AdrianVeidt | Jan 9th, 2009 01:57:53 PM | "Baby Wars"? Is that like
Laser Cats? by Big Jim | Jan 9th, 2009 01:58:34 PM | Baby Wars? by kenjinattix | Jan 9th, 2009 01:59:53 PM | kenjinattix, you forgot one... by AgentArchangel | Jan 9th, 2009 02:00:26 PM | kenjinattix, I'm guessing it
doesn't have much in common by Big Jim | Jan 9th, 2009 02:02:11 PM | Big Jim...You don't know for
sure by kenjinattix | Jan 9th, 2009 02:05:19 PM | "It seems to be in love with
girlish things..." by Shepard Wong | Jan 9th, 2009 02:08:24 PM | Re: Overboard by skimn | Jan 9th, 2009 02:23:56 PM | kenjinattix by skimn | Jan 9th, 2009 02:29:02 PM | I hope you were given a free
ticket... by Philvis | Jan 9th, 2009 02:30:22 PM | Nothing wrong with Goldie Hawn by Lane_myers111 | Jan 9th, 2009 02:37:43 PM | Surprising by Lane_myers111 | Jan 9th, 2009 02:40:16 PM | and by Lane_myers111 | Jan 9th, 2009 02:41:36 PM | Mr. Chowder by MikeTheSpike | Jan 9th, 2009 02:52:11 PM | logical.. by Klytus_I.m_Bored | Jan 9th, 2009 02:58:09 PM | Ugh... by spectrebeeyatch | Jan 9th, 2009 02:59:13 PM | Oh and Hathaway has done more
than chick flicks... by spectrebeeyatch | Jan 9th, 2009 03:00:21 PM | Let them fight it out like
woman by mr_l_74 | Jan 9th, 2009 03:11:32 PM | Oh, Hathaway has disappointed
before: by bb6634 | Jan 9th, 2009 03:14:19 PM | i think yer a jerk with the
gay bullshit by robamenta | Jan 9th, 2009 03:35:16 PM | I know at least one thing that
happens in the end by NinjaRap | Jan 9th, 2009 03:37:39 PM | Its not just awful flicks, its
"chick" flicks by skimn | Jan 9th, 2009 03:41:57 PM | See, chick flicks are like
action flicks for a lot of us by terry1978 | Jan 9th, 2009 03:46:29 PM | Hathaway by christpunchers2007 | Jan 9th, 2009 03:53:45 PM | Ye Olde Money Run by Dingbatty | Jan 9th, 2009 03:56:05 PM | I couldn't watch more than 30
minutes of Sex And The City by skimn | Jan 9th, 2009 04:03:11 PM | Annes tits are gifts from
heaven by Broseph | Jan 9th, 2009 04:14:59 PM | Hudson wasnt even that good in
Almost Famous by Knobules | Jan 9th, 2009 04:25:44 PM | Jesus Christ by Quin the Eskimo | Jan 9th, 2009 04:31:18 PM | RATED PG by Nasty In The Pasty | Jan 9th, 2009 04:32:45 PM | Why review this movie on this
site? by Utamoh | Jan 9th, 2009 05:07:24 PM | It's Friday, so no negative
movie reviews allowed. by kabong | Jan 9th, 2009 05:10:21 PM | Worse than Get Smart? by neal2zod | Jan 9th, 2009 05:18:48 PM | Talking of chick flicks by spud mcspud | Jan 9th, 2009 06:17:55 PM | Oh GOD no by spud mcspud | Jan 9th, 2009 06:22:18 PM | Spud by skimn | Jan 9th, 2009 06:36:24 PM | I didn't doubt that this would
be terrible by MayYourHammerBeMighty | Jan 9th, 2009 07:04:21 PM | skimn by spud mcspud | Jan 9th, 2009 07:13:32 PM | Hahaha by kuryakin | Jan 9th, 2009 07:20:56 PM | We're never gonna fucking see
this shit by Jackie Boy | Jan 9th, 2009 07:28:55 PM | I Saw This Today. Ending Was
NOT a Twist. by kevinwillis.net | Jan 9th, 2009 07:57:29 PM | These Movies Also Portray Men
as Tools for Women by kevinwillis.net | Jan 9th, 2009 08:00:05 PM | Kate Hudson has so much wasted
potential... by RockLobster800 | Jan 9th, 2009 08:04:20 PM | kevin by Jackie Boy | Jan 9th, 2009 08:11:41 PM | kevinwillis.net, it sounds
like the baby thing by Big Jim | Jan 9th, 2009 08:14:43 PM | In related news by spud mcspud | Jan 9th, 2009 08:24:21 PM | there are spoilers for this
movie? by the milf lover | Jan 9th, 2009 08:48:00 PM | For the morons... by MaxTheSilent | Jan 9th, 2009 09:13:28 PM | I'm talking about the mean
spirited by Quin the Eskimo | Jan 9th, 2009 09:45:37 PM | I want to wet Hathaway's
boobs, make em shine. by Damien Chowder | Jan 9th, 2009 09:46:04 PM | What's with Massawyrm's sig? by DigitalDong | Jan 10th, 2009 02:46:58 AM | Damien Chowder by wutane | Jan 10th, 2009 03:40:27 AM | Wow, no one saw this coming. by JoeSixPack | Jan 10th, 2009 06:40:15 AM | THAT'S A GREAT AVATAR, MASSA by BringingSexyBack | Jan 10th, 2009 08:12:09 AM | Massawyrm has let me down and
just plain disappointed me. by Leafar the Lost | Jan 10th, 2009 08:15:31 AM | "At least I don't have to see
the trailer anymore." by El Borak | Jan 10th, 2009 08:53:16 AM | Anne Hathaway = MR POTATO HEAD by Elemeno Pee | Jan 10th, 2009 11:08:14 AM | Lame! by menstrual_blitz | Jan 10th, 2009 02:38:34 PM | In a ironic twist by tolomey | Jan 10th, 2009 03:28:28 PM | SEXIST?!?! by antonphd | Jan 11th, 2009 04:21:48 PM | SEXIST?!?! Part 2 by antonphd | Jan 11th, 2009 04:25:25 PM | antonphd by BBQGlazedSeabass | Jan 12th, 2009 07:55:48 AM |
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