AICN Product Review... The SPYDER II GX LASER - The Most Powerful Hand Laser... In The World! And It Is Mine!!!

Hey folks, Harry here. We have never really done this before here at AICN, but about 4 days before BUTT-NUMB-A-THON, a publicist representing a company called Wicked Lasers contacted me asking if I did "product reviews". I clicked over to WICKED LASERS - saw that they did indeed have things that seemed to be Wicked Lasers - and wrote back. "Yes, I would love to review your product" The day after BNAT - shipped from Shanghai was the SPYDER II GX Green Laser. Retail Price: $1699.00 - the Guinness Book Of World Record's official MOST POWERFUL HAND HELD LASER IN THE WORLD! Upon opening it up and putting batteries into it... The time before I first turned it on... I felt the heft of it. It is about the size of your standard LIGHT SABER. You know. The ones that have Neon tubes that stick out? Or those lifeless replicas that just sit on a shelf... worthlessly reminding you of the dream of real energy of a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. There's a button on the bottom - I pressed it. A BEAM OF ENERGY shot out of the SPYDER II GX. Green Energy. Instantly I was reminded of Roy Batty's "I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate." You see, the beam glittered - dust particles fell through the beam shining like emeralds in the Green Laser's path. The beam was a solid shaft - seemingly as big around as the ink-filled plastic tube in a ball point pen's body. I pointed the beam down onto my pant leg, instantly smoke began curling up - and I turned the beam away... terrified, enraptured and thrilled. I had a laser. A real laser. A CUTTING LASER. The specs claimed the beam shot up to 15 miles. I'd have to test that later. For now - I needed to recharge the two recharging batteries, they're some sort of ungodly powerful Lithium jobs. I'm told they contain the energy and the type of battery that is in my Laptop. But beings that this was just the day after BNAT, I would soon be descended upon by... Geeks in my abode. As it turned out, the first group to arrive was from Minneapolis - with the two Edmonton folks in tow. I go to show off ( I mean test ) the SPYDER II GX Green Laser and as the beam cut through the dark room, a collective (gasp) shot out. We sat around my living room (something that can only be dreamt of these days - Christmas representing the entirity of my home) and talked about it. The Minneapolis Female Geek designated as MELISSA ( Most Excited Lifeform In Super Sexy Attire ) tells the room about a scientist she was hanging with on the Galapagos Islands. An Astrophysicist that took out his SPYDER II GX Green Laser and everyone on the trip laid back in the green grass of this far off locale and this man used his $1699.00 Most Powerful Hand Laser to conduct a power point display of the stars. The beam shooting up into the night sky - circling stars - pointing at civilizations on distant undiscovered planet surfaces and then the M.E.L.I.S.S.A. says... "Have you pointed it up into the sky yet?" I imagine the look on my face to have been delightfully childish. Cuz my "No" elicited giddy excitement from everyone in the room. And I rushed outside to shoot my laser at the stars - but it was very foggy. Instead - what happened was that I was now holding a Light Saber with a beam 3 football fields long emanating from the grip. It didn't make whoosh sounds... it didn't have to. I did. It was at this point. Surrounded by geeks - that I realized... with the utmost certainty - that I was the absolute most unqualified person to test and write about this SPYDER II GX Green Laser. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL HAND HELD LASER - but I do know that I OWN THE MOST POWERFUL HAND HELD LASER IN THE WORLD and it is fucking awesome. I've popped balloons, melted trash bags, shot through two sides of my Black Dynamite T-Shirt that I put over a chair back, I cut through some of my dog's fur, I burnt out the center target of my human shaped target that I had killed with a friend's AK-47. I have a leaf sitting next to Jiminy Cricket on my desk - that from 20 Ft away - I burned a clean hole through. I burned a hole in my robotic toy brontosaurus and I have lit wacky tabacky with it. The other day - I went up on a hill overlooking the city of Austin and at a distance of 8 miles from the UT Tower - I shot the beam over the city of Austin and lit up the tower - then I bounced the beam off the top of the Frost Bank Building. Then terrified, I turned it off - figuring that the NSA was coming for me. I can not believe I have something this awesomely powerful. This used to be science fiction. This thing is unbelievably. I am told it could seal a wound. I'm not planning on testing this - but damn I want to. I'd love to find an ant colony and introduce them to science fiction death. But most of all... I love to simply sit in my front yard and to shoot it into the night sky. I'm still waiting on a crystal clear cool night. I love circling stars with it. It feels so cool to hold a thing that generates a seemingly endless beam of energy. Energy that I've seen destroy matter. Is it worth basically $1700? If you're Special Ops Military - and you're targeting for an android flying device sending a missle to destroy terrorist scum? Absolutely. If you're a Scientist doing a power point demonstration with the universe? Absolutely. What if you're just a geek. A geek that has dreamt your whole life of splitting James Bond in two, of C-Beams glittering at Tannhauser gate. A geek that has bought $200 light sabers to duel with your nephew and dream of the real thing. That has only every pointed at the night sky with his finger and tried to tell another soul - "No, that one!" when talking about stars, planets, comets, etc. For a geek like me, if I had the extra cash... ABSOLUTELY! This Laser is hands down the coolest bit of future tech I've ever possessed. No video you can see on YouTube or anywhere else does this thing justice. The beam looks solid at night in the sky. When it comes in contact with anything else it lights up brighter than anything. In full light - you can still see the beam, not just the point. And if you hold it on anything, perfectly still - longer than about 2 seconds - it will make its presence known to the object. I've etched in plastic - and I will carve my initials into something soon. This is a Dangerous Toy! Many would say it is not a toy. This is a weapon from the future... NOW! And it is now mine.