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Vern Vs. Seagal Vs. Vampires In AGAINST THE DARK!!

Over my several years as a rising Seagalogist I have been asked many times who would win in a fight between Seagal and Van Damme. I have also been asked who would win between Seagal and Bruce Lee. I have never been asked who would win between Seagal and vampires, but I know now that the answer is Sea(SPOILER)gal. But this is also one of those whoever-wins-we-lose type scenarios because, I'm sorry to report, AGAINST THE DARK may be the least interesting movie Seagal has ever made.

Some might disagree. Many who don't like Seagal's movies criticize him for the exact reason why I think he's interesting: he keeps making the same type of movie over and over again. To me it's the perfecting, tinkering, and slow evolution of that formula that makes the movies cool. You don't listen to blues to hear brand new riffs. Still, it SEEMS like it would be interesting to see his first attempt at a horror movie. But let's be honest, nobody's expecting it to work as a horror movie, and it doesn't. So it should be a real Seagal movie, but it isn't. It's a shitty Sci-Fi-Channel-worthy vampire siege movie where one of the characters happens to be played by Seagal. And not even the main character.

For better or worse it is a landmark in Seagalogy. As my fellow scholars know, Seagal has tried at least twice to dip his toes into genre movies. SUBMERGED was filmed as a movie about mutants on a sub, ended up being about mind control. ATTACK FORCE was supposed to be about an alien invasion but was released as a story about stylish European gangsters on performance enhancing drugs. Producers resisted and made them science-fictionless in postproduction. Now Seagal has succeeded, he has faced (sort of) vampires.

When I saw the bloodsuckers on the cover for the screener I still wasn't holding my breath. They could've re-dubbed it by the time the disc got in my player and it would just be about Russian mafia with bloody lips. But sure enough there is Steven Seagal as swordmaster Tao leading a team of leather-jacketed hunters in a post-apocalyptic world overrun by vampires. Unfortunately though they're not the cross-fearing, bat-turning type of vampires, it's more a 28 DAYS LATER deal where they say it's a virus. They're not undead I guess, they just enjoy blood. The opening narration says the survivors can move around during the day, but they never say or show what would happen to the vampires if they were in sunlight. For all we know it just gives them gas.

Seagal has done such a good job of sticking to one type of movie that suddenly showing him cutting up vampires with a sword is a real novelty. Here's the catch: he's not in the movie very much. Even when he is he's not much of a character. Most of the movie is about a group of survivors walking around in a shadowy abandoned hospital. I already forget their names and if they had personalities or what they were trying to do. Eventually they run into the group of hunters led by Seagal and Tanoai Reed, who is The Rock's stunt double and looks the part. (Hey, how about this guy in SCORPION KING 3?) He's pretty cool looking but has even less of a character than Seagal.

There's no background on Tao, no detail. All we know is what he says his name is and that he has a sword. In the first half of the movie he doesn't get that much screen time and his only dialogue is generic commands like "Clear the area!" If it was a good movie and Seagal was only in a supporting role then it wouldn't matter (see EXECUTIVE DECISION). But when it's a generic, poorly made vampire movie Seagal is the ONLY thing going for it and they don't keep him on screen enough to take advantage of the vampire/Seagal juxtaposition.

That's kind of the evil nature of DTV though. "Ha ha ha, Kris Kristofferson and DMX together in LORDS OF THE STREET? Sign me the fuck up! How could that NOT be awesome?!" And then you watch it and you say, "Oh. That's how." Same thing here.

If you like gore there is some, including alot of intestine munching like in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. In one of the very few effective moments an infected woman franticly files her own teeth into fangs, which is pretty disturbing. Seagal chickens out from being shown killing a little girl vampire (you just see a knife - not even his hand - raising and then it cuts to a different scene) but does allow a brief shot of him killing a little boy vampire. And the dude always looks cool with a sword so that's a plus (too bad he just starts shooting them after a while.)

That reminds me, these vampires die the same way humans do. You just gotta shoot them or cut them. It's not really clear why the non-hunters don't arm themselves.

There are a couple enjoyable goofy moments. Seagal saves a little girl who says "Who are you?" He just says, "My name is Tao," then dramatically turns around and leaves to the tune of rockin guitars. (okay, I guess you had to be there.) For me the biggest laugh is when he frees a guy who's tied up, being tortured by a mad scientist. The guy says, "Thanks man," and Seagal says, "Get out of here buddy." It's a little casual in my opinion. If I ever escape and/or rescue somebody from mad scientist torture I hope to say something more dramatic.

In a later scene the torture victim tries to explain to the others that "we're the monsters now" because he was attacked by a guy who wasn't a vampire, just crazy. Seagal says, "Man, I've seen that. People do what they have to do to survive."

What? You seemed pretty high on vengeance a minute ago when you shot that guy! Now you act like you're hearing about it for the first time and you sympathize with the dude. See, this movie would be better if it either a) was good or b) had more ridiculous crap like that. But this is about all you get.

The cast also includes Linden Ashby from MORTAL KOMBAT and the great Keith David. I knew David would have to be a small role but I was excited for his reunion with Seagal, since in MARKED FOR DEATH he was Seagal's all-time best sidekick - in fact, more of an equal partner than a sidekick. So, of course, David plays a military commander ordering the hospital bombed (for some reason "there's no time" - not really sure what they are trying to stop) and never has a scene with Seagal. Same goes for Ashby.

The main problem is that Seagal isn't using his home field advantage. He's going into a shitty vampire movie instead of bringing vampires to his own turf. It would be more fun if he was still an opinionated ex-CIA martial arts expert turned freelance intelligence operative and while he was in Japan as a youth he picked up the ancient secrets of vampire hunting and he discovers a nest of suckheads working with Yakuza or international arms smugglers or somebody. Or his brother is a vampire and he has to get revenge on the vampire slayer that staked him. I don't know. I also think he should do a werewolf movie called HOWL FOR JUSTICE where he's a cop framed by corrupt cops and he has to clear his name but also doesn't want anybody to find out he's the one eating everybody's pets. And after that of course THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK OPS LAGOON.

I guess I published SEAGALOGY at just the right time. I was able to give it a happy ending because URBAN JUSTICE and PISTOL WHIPPED were sort of a return to form for the big guy. But KILL SWITCH and especially this one kind of undo that luster, he's back to FLIGHT OF FURY levels here. I also got some thinking to do some day down the line if I update that book, because on a first viewing anyway this thing seems to challenge my theory that Seagal always puts his personal touch on every movie he's in. You can definitely still say that with KILL SWITCH but this one it literally could've been anybody playing the character. Well, I guess if they had no arms it would be hard because they couldn't hold the sword. Other than that anybody with a stunt double could play this character. In fact, any stunt double could play this character. It's not Seagal-specific at all.

Sorry guys, don't mean to piss on the parade, but this is not the hilarious movie everybody expects when they hear about it, or the actually good one a guy like me hopes for. Hopefully Seagal put more effort into one of the other two movies he has on the way, or the reality series, or something. I have my hopes pinned on this one:


That trailer alone has a hell of alot more of interest than STEVEN SEAGAL AGAINST THE DARK. Sorry, but I'm gonna have to give this one to the dark.

thanks,

Vern

Seagalogy is the greatest Christmas gift anybody ever got in history

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Reader Talkback

First!
by Bob Loblaw Law Blog
Dec 18th, 2008
04:11:15 AM
Sounds ok
by chuffsterUK
Dec 18th, 2008
04:14:32 AM
Great review!
by Russkov
Dec 18th, 2008
04:14:35 AM
Howl for Justice
by Midnightxpress
Dec 18th, 2008
04:39:41 AM
Hey Vern, i saw your seagalology...
by Citizin_insane
Dec 18th, 2008
04:42:22 AM
sign of the Apoclaypse?
by Rocco Curioso
Dec 18th, 2008
04:47:02 AM
Is Seagal trying to be the new Blade?
by Franklin T Marmoset
Dec 18th, 2008
04:59:16 AM
Hey! Nosferatu!
by nolan bautista
Dec 18th, 2008
05:16:09 AM
But does he run like the girl he kills?
by Pondscum is Banned
Dec 18th, 2008
05:43:11 AM
hey Vern, I also saw Seagalology....
by The Amazing G
Dec 18th, 2008
06:09:59 AM
"I'm gonna take out the posse."
by kwisatzhaderach
Dec 18th, 2008
06:20:30 AM
"One thought he was invincible..."
by kwisatzhaderach
Dec 18th, 2008
06:21:01 AM
"...the other thought he could fly..."
by kwisatzhaderach
Dec 18th, 2008
06:21:17 AM
"...THEY WERE BOTH WRONG!"
by kwisatzhaderach
Dec 18th, 2008
06:21:31 AM
At least Seagal wasn't in the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake.
by Kevin Holsinger
Dec 18th, 2008
06:28:33 AM
such a sad, missed opportunity
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2008
06:41:43 AM
dead link
by Epleterte
Dec 18th, 2008
06:48:36 AM
"Time...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2008
07:05:57 AM

by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2008
07:26:21 AM
I also think he should do a werewolf movie called HOWL FOR JUSTI
by Darth Busey
Dec 18th, 2008
07:29:11 AM
look at this shit Batman 3 rumour from Britain's own gutter pres
by jacksparness
Dec 18th, 2008
07:36:08 AM
sounds like it was written for Snipes
by Spandau Belly
Dec 18th, 2008
07:37:38 AM
heh...I find that quite funny DocP
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2008
07:39:19 AM
Keith David
by Flyingcircus
Dec 18th, 2008
08:03:38 AM
Hey Vern, I bought AND read your book...
by Motoko Kusanagi
Dec 18th, 2008
08:12:17 AM
Vern, I couldn't even finish this movie. Damn shame.
by Stuntcock Mike
Dec 18th, 2008
08:30:48 AM
JUSTICE WOLF: FANGS A LOT
by Stuntcock Mike
Dec 18th, 2008
08:32:13 AM
VERN PLEASE!: Talk to me about Punisher War Zone
by Stormwatcher
Dec 18th, 2008
08:45:27 AM
I have to see just to say I watched it
by Purgatori
Dec 18th, 2008
08:54:34 AM
Pretty Impressive for a 70-Year-Old
by Aquatarkusman
Dec 18th, 2008
08:56:36 AM
Happy Holidays From Steven Seagal
by Aquatarkusman
Dec 18th, 2008
09:00:24 AM
Stormwatcher
by Gilkuliehe
Dec 18th, 2008
09:03:08 AM
My Name Is Tao
by Crow3711
Dec 18th, 2008
09:07:40 AM
Where the hell is your PUNISHER: WARZONE review vern?!!
by Mike_D
Dec 18th, 2008
09:14:31 AM
"For all we know it just gives them gas"
by Rickey Henderson
Dec 18th, 2008
09:19:27 AM
PUNISHER WAR ZONE REVIEW by VERN
by Gilkuliehe
Dec 18th, 2008
09:25:18 AM
hancock ad
by jacksparness
Dec 18th, 2008
09:25:30 AM
Vern: Seagal's Lost His Passion...
by DarfurOnTheRocks
Dec 18th, 2008
09:57:33 AM
GOD BLESS MR. SEAGAL!
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
09:57:50 AM
and he has.....God has bless him....
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
09:58:17 AM
Thanks for the Punisher link, glad to have read it
by Stormwatcher
Dec 18th, 2008
10:13:57 AM
why the fuck wasn't that Punisher review posted on here?
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
10:19:10 AM
So what was the deal with Seagal and the NY mafia?
by Darth Macchio
Dec 18th, 2008
10:20:21 AM
Great idea JPT - Seagal vs. Sasquatch
by Coma Baby
Dec 18th, 2008
10:20:22 AM
"as a rising Seagalogist"
by kabong
Dec 18th, 2008
10:23:59 AM
Sorry, Coma Baby....
by SubliminalJones
Dec 18th, 2008
10:24:49 AM
Why not...
by Gislef_crow
Dec 18th, 2008
10:32:17 AM
I learned my lesson with "Into the Sun"
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2008
10:35:14 AM
seagal and vampires!
by LordTwinkie
Dec 18th, 2008
10:39:16 AM
Darth Macchio - re: MAFIA
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
10:39:58 AM
See?! That's freakin awesome...
by Darth Macchio
Dec 18th, 2008
10:44:05 AM
All about Seagal's and the Mafia...
by Gilkuliehe
Dec 18th, 2008
10:49:51 AM
Sorry. Again: All about Seagal and the Mafia...
by Gilkuliehe
Dec 18th, 2008
10:51:19 AM
I meant Seagalogy.
by Gilkuliehe
Dec 18th, 2008
10:52:09 AM
SEAGAL VS. THE MOB -- THE TRUE STORY
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
10:52:56 AM
SubliminalJones
by Coma Baby
Dec 18th, 2008
10:54:54 AM
Seagal and The Mob....from seagalology.com
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
11:05:15 AM
I like our version of the Mob story better....
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
11:05:36 AM
Vern-- I'll have you know I ordered 2 books...
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
11:07:02 AM
Does Vern actually *like* Seagal or is it one long joke?
by JackPumpkinhead
Dec 18th, 2008
11:14:02 AM
JackPumpkinhead
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
11:15:42 AM
VERN you need to review the ROME series
by IAmLegolas
Dec 18th, 2008
11:23:19 AM
some=something
by IAmLegolas
Dec 18th, 2008
11:23:50 AM
At least Against The Dark has that classic
by skimn
Dec 18th, 2008
11:24:01 AM
Tom Cruise gets the shit left and right
by skimn
Dec 18th, 2008
11:35:13 AM
then you're genuinely lame
by cloudrider`
Dec 18th, 2008
11:38:56 AM
cloudrider`
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
11:44:57 AM
The video was a trailer for THE KEEPER
by Vern
Dec 18th, 2008
11:46:57 AM
Transporter 2 was the MAN ON FIRE ripoff....
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
11:53:57 AM
no, really.
by cloudrider`
Dec 18th, 2008
12:05:30 PM
Who cares when RUSLAN is fucking our eyeballs in 2009!
by Stuntcock Mike
Dec 18th, 2008
12:07:58 PM
thanks for the comments
by Vern
Dec 18th, 2008
12:09:03 PM
Who cares when THE KEEPER is fucking our eyeballs in 2009!
by Stuntcock Mike
Dec 18th, 2008
12:09:16 PM
I don't know...
by wampa 1
Dec 18th, 2008
12:13:43 PM
Van Damme would die of starvation first
by ArcadianDS
Dec 18th, 2008
12:13:46 PM
Genuinely like Seagal?....
by Darth Macchio
Dec 18th, 2008
12:36:46 PM
Actually, Seagal and Yetis is kind of a good idea.
by Subtlety
Dec 18th, 2008
12:50:07 PM
ABOVE THE LAW IN 4 minutes....
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
12:50:20 PM
Subtlety
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
12:52:35 PM
even haters must admit-- ABOVE THE LAW...
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
12:54:25 PM
Seagal vs. THE THING: Return to Antarctica
by Stuntcock Mike
Dec 18th, 2008
01:01:25 PM
I HAVE
by cocolopez
Dec 18th, 2008
01:41:04 PM
and that great line....
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
02:01:40 PM
what does it take to change the essence of a man?
by Subtlety
Dec 18th, 2008
02:12:39 PM
if he was anything less than a dick in real life....
by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD
Dec 18th, 2008
02:34:35 PM
I have a lot of man love for Vern*
by IAmMrMonkey!
Dec 18th, 2008
03:45:40 PM
Marked for Devils
by johnnyangel
Dec 18th, 2008
03:52:26 PM
Interesting
by Arioch55
Dec 18th, 2008
05:27:46 PM
Shout-outs to Blade and Keith David? Kewl!
by Stalkeye
Dec 18th, 2008
06:47:18 PM
Fuck your wall of text
by ebonic_plague
Dec 18th, 2008
07:21:49 PM
Nightmare on Deadly Ground
by johnnyangel
Dec 18th, 2008
08:19:56 PM
"How could that NOT be awesome?!"
by Billyeveryteen
Dec 18th, 2008
11:10:09 PM
This movie would have been better if it had been good.
by otm shank
Dec 18th, 2008
11:46:04 PM
Subtlety
by Vern
Dec 19th, 2008
03:00:33 AM
Suggestion For The Ponytail
by Aquatarkusman
Dec 19th, 2008
07:50:25 AM
Vern
by Subtlety
Dec 19th, 2008
12:29:28 PM

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