Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

In a couple of weeks, there is a sweet little film called NOTHING LIKE THE HOLIDAYS coming out about a Chicago-based Puerto Rican family getting together. I'm not here to review that film yet, but just let me say that after that movie comes out, I'm asking--begging!--all studios around the world to stop making holiday movies for a while, at least until you can legitimately come up with some new ideas that aren't dumb as fuck. And let me be doubly clear, I'm not saying NOTHING LIKE THE HOLIDAYS is dumb; it's not. It's actually a nice twist on the more traditional holiday films of late. No, what I'm saying is that FOUR CHRISTMASES is a terrible, agonizing, turd-like misery. And the idea that I know so many people who are actually excited to see this movie despite my best efforts to warn them against it is infuriating beyond words. I want to kill this movie.

Look, I dig Vince Vaughn, but I don't dig this PG-/PG-13-level Vaughn who fast-talks his way into and out of every situation, whether it's appropriate or not. Vince, you are a better actor than that. Let's change it up a bit, buddy. OK? Hey, look. Your old buddy Jon Favreau is in FOUR CHRISTMASES too, and look at what he's doing. He's playing a role totally unlike anything he's played before. What a concept! And here's another ground-breaking concept, Vaughn: Favreau is actually funnier in two scenes than you are in this entire movie.

One more idea for Vaughn: don't worry so much about entertaining the kids. The kids have some great animated things from which to choose. They don't need FRED CLAUS, and they sure as shit don't need FOUR CHRISTMASES, whose only saving grace is that it's considerably shorter than Fred Claus. The set up is about as contrived as you could possibly imagine; every character is one-dimensional and act/reacts in completely predictable ways. And worst of all, the jokes just aren't that funny (except the baby puke jokes; those are funny). And what is with Vaughn and these Christmas movies? Is it because his face has become so bloated that he actually resembles a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float? Maybe. I seem to recall a time when this guy was edgy, but what passes for edgy in FOUR CHRISTMASES is playing a sassy Joseph in a "Birth of Jesus" play.

Wait, did I even mention Reese Witherspoon was in this movie? I don't think so, because her presence is totally overshadowed (literally and figuratively) by Vaughn. This woman is smart, pretty, and a great actress, so what the hell is she doing in this nothing movie? Then we get the parents--John Voight, Mary Steenburgen, Robert Duvall, Sissy Spacek. There are so many Oscar winners in this movie, I've lost count (actually, including Witherspoon, there are five). Let's throw in a couple of Grammy winners while we're at it, thanks to cameo roles by Dwight Yoakam and Tim McGraw. Emmy winner, anyone? Kristin Chenoweth plays Witherspoon's sister. With a running time of 82 minutes, FOUR CHRISTMASES features more wasted talent per second than any film you'll see in the 21st century. I'm 99.9 percent sure about that. What kills me most is that the movie is directed by Seth Gordon, who directed the essential documentary of 2007, THE KING OF KONG: A FISTFUL OF QUARTERS. Having to write about this movie is actually making me angrier than when I watched it originally.

But the real question is, what are we supposed to learn from FOUR CHRISTMASES? Families should get along? Couples in love should want to get married and have babies? Little kids are assholes? Parents just don't understand? No shit. I learned that last lesson from the Fresh Prince in the late '80s. If after all of my warnings, you're still considering seeing this movie, come to me, let me whisper something in your ear. Come close...a little closer...closer still...that's it...SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!

-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com