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Here's what Moriarty knows about DICK
While it is sometimes said in shadowy corners, in backalley whispers that Moriarty doesn't know dick, I can assure you that at least as of tonight... Moriarty does in fact know DICK, so just shut your mouth about the dear professor. For tonight, whilst I watched 7 seconds of John Holmes' dick at the Dobie in 3-D, Moriarty was watching a DICK of another sorts in Los Angeles... And here is his final assessment of DICK...
Hey, Head Geek...
"Moriarty" here.
I was working late at the Moriarty Labs the other
night, trying to devise a way to sneak into a
screening of the upcoming Columbia comedy DICK when
the studio actually threw a wrench in my plans by
doing the unthinkable -- they invited me to see it.
Damn! All my subterfuge, wasted. It almost took the
joy out of my drive over to the Sony lot, but by the
time my henchmen and I parked under the giant
billboards for BIG DADDY, MUPPETS IN SPACE, and DICK,
I was in a better mood, ready to laugh.
It's a good thing, too, since DICK is a sly, charming
little film with one of the year's most original comic
concepts. The press notes for the film describe it as
"CLUELESS meets ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN," and I
suppose that's a good way to shorthand it, but I
honestly didn't expect a picture that was as wise
about the Watergate era as this one was. It should be
interesting to see if the audience that's the same age
as the lead characters tune in to the film's snarky
sense of humor and its specific historic references.
The film opens with French Stewart playing a talk show
host who is interviewing Bob Woodward (Will Farrell)
and Carl Bernstein (Bruce McCulloch) about the
identity of the still-mysterious "Deep Throat." In
this one scene, director Andy Fleming and his
co-writer Sheryl Longin reveal just how much they know
about the real Woodward and Bernstein, but they also
manage to establish that this is a fantasy fairy tale
version of the real world. People are definitely
recongnizable, but everything's heightened to great
comic effect.
From there, we're right into the meat of the film, as
the Jackson 5 standard "ABC" kicks in. I love the use of music in this film, and there were
some brilliant choices for individual moments,
including the best use of "You're So Vain" that I can
imagine. It manages to be both funny and deeply
poignant. As the film opens
(with a very pointed visual reference to ALL THE
PRESIDENT'S MEN), Arlene (Michelle Williams) and Betsy
(Kirsten Dunst) are working together on Arlene's entry
to the "Win A Date with Bobby Sherman" contest.
They're in Arlene's bedroom at her Watergate
apartment, with Mom (Teri Garr) asleep on the couch.
The two girls are best friends, and it's a good thing,
since neither one of them seems to connect with anyone
else. They're both 15, giggly, blissfully unaware of
the world around them.
When they finish the letter, they sneak out to mail
it, taping open a door so they can sneak back in
without waking Arlene's mom. What they don't know is
that the Democratic National Committee office is being
broken into at that exact moment, and their actions
are going to trigger a chain of events that reveals to
us, the viewer, an entire alternate history of
Watergate that finally explains things like John
Dean's resignation, the missing 18 1/2 minutes of
tape, and the origin of Nixon's paranoia.
The thing that makes the film really pay off is the
outstanding supporting cast. Dan Hedeya is Nixon, and
he manages to make the role his own. Dave Foley is
wonderful as Haldeman, Saul Rubinek does a wicked
Kissinger, Jim Bruer does nice twitchy work as Dean,
Harry Shearer is a suitably creepy G. Gordon Liddy,
Ana Gasteyer etches a memorable Rosemary Woods in just
a few scenes, and Farrell and McCulloch steal every
frame of film they're in with their Woodstein
performances. There's an image of them walking in
slow motion through a newsroom that is worth the price
of admission all by itself.
DICK isn't a film that's going to change the world,
but it might just change your mind about Andrew
Fleming. He's one of those guys who genuinely seems
to learn from picture to picture, whose work is
getting better and better. His last film, THE CRAFT,
was a mildly successful picture with an outstanding
collection of hot teenage girls. Fairuza Balk, Robin
Tunney, Neve Campbell, and Rachel True in Catholic
schoolgirl outfits with evil powers... what more could
a mad scientist like me ask?
This time out, though, Fleming's really nailed a lot
of the subtle moments, the smaller details. The world
of the film is rich, lived in, and feels real. He's
using teenage girls again, but the work by both
Williams and Dunst goes way beyond the easy
stereotypes they could have played. Williams is sweet
and funny as Arlene, the dreamier of the two girls.
She's the one who falls in love with Dick, convinced
that he's a good man. She's also the one who wants
revenge when she learns the truth about Tricky Dick.
She's got sharp comic chops, and she really shows a
bit of range here. This isn't anything like the work
she does on DAWSON'S CREEK, and it's a refreshing
change of pace for her. If this is any indication of
what she's capable of, I hope she makes good use of
each of her hiatuses.
Kirsten Dunst, though... oh, boy. I know I'm going to
take heat for this. Hell, I fully expect to be beaten
senseless in the TALK BACKS below, but I don't care.
The Professor has been smitten. As of tonight,
Heather Graham is now officially my ex-future wife.
The lovely and funny Ms. Dunst has leapt to the top of
my list. Pictures have been circulated to all the
henchmen, and I don't care who knows it. She's been
getting better and better as an actress over the
years, even in slight movies like last year's SMALL
SOLDIERS. In that film, when she finally starts
fighting back and destroying the toys, watch the glee
on her face as she cuts loose. When was the last time
you saw an actor so engaged by a special effect? Now
she's been given a role where she gets to be flat out
funny, and she delivers. Between the scene where she
distracts someone so Arlene can search Haldeman's
house and the film's final images under the closing
credits, I have had plenty of Evil thoughts for one
night.
For anyone looking for a film that's a little harder
to categorize than most, something that engages you
brain and your funny bone in equal measures, DICK is
an unexpected late summer delight, and well worth
seeking out. Maybe I'll get lucky and enjoy myself at
LAKE PLACID tomorrow. We'll see. Until then...
"Moriarty" out.
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+ Expand All
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Oh hell man, I've been saying Kirsten Dunst was my future wife for YEARS. Right along with Natalie Portman, the chick from The Secret World Of Alex Mack, and Alyssa Milano.
Personally I've been saying this film would be good since I saw the first trailer, and Moriarty's review only made me more determined.
Hollywood got my letters. They made Dan Hayada play a US President. They reunited Bruce McCulloch and Dave Foley. They put Kirsten Dunst in a lead role! This is truely a movie made for me! -
so..the other day i was at my girlfriends house and she asked me if i wanted to see DICK. well i told her no. i dont like "DICK". so..then she started pressuring me and telling me that she heard that it was good. i told her i doubt it. it is something i aint interested in. she also told me it was humorous...and i told her...how can u find anything humorous in this??? so she told me if i wouldnt go with her to see DICK that she was going to go with her friend to see DICK... DICK...TOGETHER...i said .hell no...you better not...i dont think it would be safe....then she told me that her and her friend were going to go see DICK cuz it is cheaper before 5---and it only cost $5...WTF !!!!!.....so thats when i broke up with her....later i found out what she was talking about...a movie...*sigh*....so now i have tried to get her back..but she wont come...so i guess i will just suffer .....well........i guess i'll be single until hollywood comes out with "PUSSY".........*sigh*....
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I didn't know dick about this movie (except for a little blurb in Entertainment Weekly's summer movie preview) before I read this review. Thanks, Moriarty. This will certainly be one for me to catch this summer.
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Look, this is like the third time that I have said this. I don't care if you want to say how hot teenage girls (that would be illegal to have sex with) that's dandy with me. Yay freedom of speech! But make it both ways. I, for instance would like a review of Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut like Harry's Heather Grahm rant in his Austin Powers review. (Although I know that I will never get it) Just, if you can, make your reviews both ways. Hell, get one of your female minions to do it. If you need female volunteers, I will be more than happy to help out! Really! But honestly, compared to some of the things that Harry has written - that was pretty delicately put.
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Hey Stefka, of course we all want to sleep with teenage girls. That's why there is a law against it. Can't wait to see this picture. I am a huge Nixon fan and combining him with hot chicks is the best thing since well hot chicks. If you want to slobber over little Tommy Cruise then write your own damn review.
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Can't wait for the inevitable fast-food tie-ins...who wouldn't want to sink their teeth into a Dick Sandwich, or a Big Dick? How's about a Taco Bellend? Maybe they will launch a Dick Teaser Trailer?
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There is no doubt Kirsten is a kickass actor...altho she has yet to match the strength of her 'Interview...' role, I'm sure she will be fantastic in Dick. And boy is she pretty. She (along with Drew Barrymore) defies the rule that a cute kid will turn into an awkard looking young adult (that Culkin kid, and Cindy from the Brady Bunch being two prime examples).
Oh, and to that guy that mentioned that girl from Alex Mack...her name is Larisa Oleynik, and did you catch her all grown up in that teen comedy '10 things...'? -
Apparently the nag above never read the review of Phantom Menace and 10 gay films Harry published a month or so ago. He not only covers "both" sides - he covers ALL sides! Shut up and start writing your own reviews if you want to see comments on Tom Cruise's ass in print.
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Excellent 3D porno! Non-stop laughter throughout the whole film. They even have the nerve to give John "the wad" Holmes top billing even though he is only in it for a few seconds!
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Well, it certainly seems like everyone loves Dick. Indeed, I think a little Dick will do everyone good. Anyone who dislikes this movie? They obviously don't know Dick. In fact, you might say that Dick is going to shoot white hot jets of semen all over the place its opening weekend at the box office. Or you could think of an original joke that hasn't been made a million times in the press already. Either way.
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Of course, it's not suprising to find a movie where 2 chicks want to spend alot of time with DICK. From all of the reviews, it seems that they are obsessed with DICK. The only problem I have is with the emotional content of this movie. How does it handle Nixon himself? I mean I'm sure that if my girlfriend goes with me to spend some time in a dark, and hopefully empty, theater the least she deserves is some seriously Deep DICK.
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Well, this trailer looks pretty funny. The comedic talent of the supporting cast involved is basically off the scale in my book. It's a Groundling fest. Dan Heyeda is one of the most gifted performers...everthing he does just brings a smile to my face. I hope this movie wipes WWW off the face of the earth.
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Jul 08, 1999 1:57:54 PM CDT
WHAT< DICK YOURSELF MANANANANANANANANAN! I SAY CAUGHT WITH ME PA
by daverave
What is he on about. GHET A TURKEY UP YOUR KNOWS. hey whats wrong with YOU!!!!!!!
ILL TELL YOU WHAT ITS NOT LIKE THE OLD DAYS!!!!!!!
Tune into the BIG BREAKIE 7 until 9. FFFFFFFF -
Kirsten Dunst? That's a BIG step down, Moriarty. Dunst can't even live up to Graham's meager intelligence, and seems to lack personality. And that is completely ignoring the looks department. Graham wins, all across the board, even if she was exceedingly wooden in "The Spy Who Shagged Me".
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Jul 08, 1999 9:29:17 PM CDT
I'm waiting for the sequel!!!! DICK: BIGGER, LONGER AND UNCUT!!!
by nihilon
My apologies to whomever i stole that joke from.
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