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Massawyrm hitches a ride with TRANSPORTER 3!!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Frank Martin is back. His suit is pressed; his car waxed and properly weighed. All that’s left to do is to get a job. The question is, has Frank been hired a few times too many? I loved the first Transporter as one can read in my infamous final review conveniently posted here, and loathed the second for its brazen stupidity which you can read about here. Everything I loved about the first, from its fun tone to its insane ingenuity, I found completely lacking in the second. Somewhere round about the time Frank tried to defuse a bomb underneath his car by flipping it in mid air and knocking it off with a crane hook was about the time I checked out. I occasionally like my action movies goofy, but not so far removed from reality that they become a cartoon. And with director Leterrier having just come off of Danny the Dog (aka Unleashed) part 2 proved to be a profound disappointment. So when I walked into this I was curious which incarnation of Frank Martin I would find. The tough Hong Kong style action hero? Or the stupid Americanized one?
On the upside, Transporter 3 very much is a part of the first movie’s universe. Not the second. Once again the stunts play with pliability of the laws of physics without actually shattering them with a hammer (or a fight scene aboard a crashing plane. Cough. Ahem.) While the Inspector returns once again, this time his presence is always warranted and feels natural – rather than that whole ridiculous how the hell can we get him to America and then convince the police to let him do their job for them that they pulled in the last one. Really, if there was anything in the film that made it look like they were fumbling in the dark with their dicks, it was those sequences right there. This time round his presence is often a welcome break from Frank and his passenger.
BUT that’s not to say that this is in any way as good as the first. This film definitely feels like Besson has been spreading himself a little thin and trying desperately to find clever things for Frank to do. There isn’t a fight scene in here that is half as clever as in the original, nor is there a single car chase that manages to capture the magic of the OMFG awesomeness of that opening chase that sparked the whole series. In fact, most of the car chase scenes are pretty humdrum, only on rare occasion getting you to scoot forward in your seat a little. The few fight scenes there are sure are fun to watch – but they’re mostly just run of the mill ass beating, something even the second film never really succumbed to. And for some reason there’s not as much action as there was in either of the previous films, something of a cardinal sin for sequels. Once you’ve set the bar at a certain level, you have expectations. Unfortunately, Besson got the silly idea that we’d be interested in the wafer thin plot he cooked up for this and spends more time on that than he probably should.
That said, the film takes an interesting twist on the first film – effectively setting up the same story but completely changing the dynamic. In the first film he was protecting a girl that he should probably dump but can’t bring himself to. This time around he’s trapped in the car with a girl he can’t stand and clearly would like to kick out the door at any second, but can’t. It’s a fun play on the story, but something folks not already a fan of the series will find to simply be the same film all over again.
But it is fun. Despite some silly moments and a more toned down pace, the film still manages to entertain with its sense of humor and what action moments there are. The villains in this are kind of cool and the aspects of the cat and mouse game they play back and forth with Frank are definitely a dynamic worth watching. At times the film is preposterous, but it never forgets to let you have fun if you’re willing to embrace it. But when all is said and done, it is a film that you will like despite itself. Is it kick ass? Yeah. Sure it is. Just not kick ass enough to get too excited about. I’d put this smack dab in the category of matinee actioners – it’s something you’re bound to enjoy, but not so much to drag people back to see it.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d like to take a moment to call a moratorium on females-seducing-badasses-only-to-be-rejected sequences in films as of late. When the hell did all of our action heroes develop gay “not on the first date” streaks? Within the last year I’ve seen five or six action heroes turn down stripping, hot European girls. Let me say this now and let me use all caps to be clear. THERE IS NOTHING COOL ABOUT TURNING DOWN PERFECTLY GOOD PUSSY. I dig character depth and sensitivity in a hero – but how many times do I have to watch a woman titillate the audience, going so far as to strip down and show her goods for all the men and boys to see, only to have the hero turn and walk away.
Not cool.
I don’t care if you skip the love scene altogether or even the hint of one. Just don’t set one up just so our guy can be too cool for school and act like he doesn’t want to. WE ALL WANT TO. It comes with being a dude. Don’t throw the girl at the wall if she’s not going to stick. And if they are going to do it, don’t force him. Frank Martin doesn’t need to turn it down before saying yes at gunpoint to show how cool he is. He’s cool because he’s cool. SSSSHHH! You’re gonna wake up the other bitches. You know what I’m saying? That’s cool.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
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"THERE IS NOTHING COOL ABOUT TURNING DOWN PERFECTLY GOOD PUSSY." Thank you for bringing to light a very, very annoying trend with action films.
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Nov 25, 2008 10:45:12 AM CST
Besson needs to return to directing
by i_am_not_the_droid_you_are_looking_for
The only flick he's produced thats been any good has been Taken, and that was primarily because of Neeson.Nice ref to Black Dynamite though. That one looks pretty damn funny.
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it comes back harder, and in greater numbers.
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I have seen the other 2 and I quite enjoyed them so I will check this out on Fridy. Yee haw
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influencial in casting Craig as Bond. I remember reading a review that stated that Statham was like a Bond for the new millenium; a bullet headed force that always was moving forward-forward-forward. They softened the image a little with Craig, but I see the connection.
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Nov 25, 2008 10:56:30 AM CST
anything with the car sucked in part 2. But the fights rocked
by dannyglovers_dickblood
The fire hose scene and dumping the boat on that massive black guy. Fucking awesome.
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Sad.
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I know for a fact, despite the fact I have no interest in it, I will end up seeing it at some point, the same as the other two, whereas there are scores of brilliant movies I mean to see, that I will never get around to before I die...
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marky mark turned down the quantum of solace bond chick, it was ridiculous.
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the first two films where rubbish (I never finished the 2nd one), a real sham on the action genre. Luc Besson needs to pull his shit together, what the fuck happened to the guy that made "La Femme Nikita", "Leon" and "The Fifth Element"? He turned in to a money grabbing producer/whore... And i agree with Derek. Anyone, be it a real person or a fictional character, who turns down Ms. Kurylenko is either a retard or gay.
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For a second I thought the title was Transformers 3. Almost threw up a little bit.
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Nov 25, 2008 11:17:19 AM CST
anyone saying this movie will not rock is a fucking pussy....
by dannyglovers_dickblood
...go home, watch the first two Transporters, Hitman, every Seagal movie ever made, and 48 Hours, and maybe you'll wake up with a pair of testicles.
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Stop reinforcing the idea that a guy is not a guy unless he fucks whatever pussy's in front of him just for the sport.
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Hitman was a steaming turd. You know it to be so. To include that and 48 Hours in the same sentence is a crime.
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Does Frank actually shoot a gun in this one? There was a fair amount of gun-play the first one, with Frank actually shooting back and killing people. In the second, he carries a gun once or twice, but as far as I can remember he never uses it. He DOES however dodge bullets in that scene in the hospital hallway, so...
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I think he's supposed to be gay. The first two movies have a lot of intentionally homo-erotic stuff. He does bang the chick in the first one, but it seems pretty perfunctory, and in two he turned her down.
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Bad Boys (1,2) + Rush Hour (1,2,3) - most all minorities = Transporter (1,2,3).You know this to be true. And Besson does need to go back to writing/directing. "Leon" is still without true competition lately....
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awkwardly gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that of course.
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...then I'll have sex. If I want a six-minute crazy action stunt sequence on a bicycle, I'll watch a movie, on account of not wanting to lose my kneecaps trying it myself. Don't waste my valuable action time with your boring sex scenes.
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Some of us have made the mistake of "fucking whatever pussy's in front of" us. It often leads to trouble. Frank is smarter than that. Plus there's the whole "he's probably gay" thing. Which would be pretty cool, as how many gay action heroes are there?
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Dolph Lundgren will co-star with Statham, Stallone and Li in The Expendables. http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=50804
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an action hero who doesn't fall prey to the whims of his dick IS "cool" by the more "rational under pressure" definition of the word.
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That was NOT a good action movie.
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And as far as the sex thing...he who hesitates, masturbates!!!!
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Not only do I prefer the interpretation that Frank is gay, but the girl in this one is bad news. In the scene in question she's giggling while dancing around with the stolen keys to the car, threatening a murder-suicide via exploding bracelet (long story). Also she very recently peed on a floor in public. Maybe Massawyrm is right, I'm not sure, but I believe it was implied through editing that he actually did give in and have sex with her, which to me made him a fuckin loser. Not only did he betray his gay self but he made a poor judgment by thinking with his ex-gay dick. At the end he's stuck with this crazy bitch pretending he's in love with her.
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I'm not saying that a hero needs to fuck every woman he comes across - just that I'm sick of scenes geared towards dangling eurotwat in front of a hero just so he can say "No, thanks." It has become a cliche. It works for Bourne. That's his thing. But Bond? Martin? Hitman? The whole "Baby, put your clothes back on" gag has gotten REAL tired lately.
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...if they give a reason to do it other than "Not in the mood." Like if he had a female somewhere else that he's devoted to, or that he lost and is not over, or something like that (he loses his soul with a moment of pure happiness), that I'm okay with it. Keep the character consistent, 's all.
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Nov 25, 2008 1:06:59 PM CST
there is nothing wrong with turning away perfectly good pussy
by mcdowell_32000
amen brother! bond never turned down pussy. shaft never turned down pussy.
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You can back track all you like but saying the hero needs to fuck every woman he comes across is exactly what you meant and you know it. And in Quantum, Bond fucked Stawberry as soon as he saw her. Forgive him if he didn't bang the Bolivian chick with major baggage straight afterwards. And if I'm not mistaken Bourne fucked Marie as well, chief.
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I actually agree with everything HoboCode just wrote!
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Just because you have problems with basic reading comprehension doesn't make me a backtracker when I have to explain it to you. QFT: "I don’t care if you skip the love scene altogether or even the hint of one. Just don’t set one up just so our guy can be too cool for school and act like he doesn’t want to."
You can find that in the last paragraph. Don't tell me what I MEANT when I wrote the piece - talk about WHAT I wrote. -
The assassin dudes in that universe are made to be asexual. It's part of their design and training.
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Purely because I'm too stoned to actually pick a side now. Good luck HoboCode!
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because Transporters prefer the company of other Transporters, not Transportees. Note the scene at the end when the wacky french dude says "You've changed" and nods toward Frank's crazy floor-peeing girlfriend.
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For Bourne, Marie just kinda happened and then became part of his moral rational. It's why he didn't kill the one guy (Brian Cox) at the end of Supremacy (I know because he says so). Plus in the 3rd one, Greengrass makes obvious the parallels between Marie and that one girl (she was in the shitty new Omen version) and he barely says anything to her when she leaves. Not because he's a prick, but because that's how he is.I think the issue isn't "the hero has to fuck every girl he meets" but more "why the fuck do you need to point out, or just make a point that this guy isn't going to bang this superhot chick?" in other words, it becomes something that kinda screws with your suspension of disbelief. or, at least, a distraction. i think the idea is the story wants you to know that Frank is all business see? See? Rules and business! See? He just turned that that euro-hottie that no sane man not already in the middle of banging a euro-hottie would turn down. In other words...the point isn't him or his ethics...the point is the point. it's circular. it's a moral caricature, not a moral representation (unless the character is setup that way). it's the filmatists speaking to us (the audience) directly and if handled clumsily (as it usually is), ALWAYS kills my suspension of disbelief.And in a movie where a guy dismantles a bomb by jumping his car into a rotating corkscrew so it hits a crane which yanks the bomb off the undercarriage at the last second but then has a crisis of conscious about bedding super-hot women? even cheese-Bond would hustle it up AFTER he foiled the world domination plans of whichever bad guy was up. if frank is gay then boom...perfect reason...if he's a eunuch, fine, another perfect reason.It seems like the refusing to bed euro-hotties is some kind of needless counterpoint to the stupid Bond's of yesterday (yes, Halle Berry and Remington Steele, I'm looking at YOU). Lately, we haven't been getting those stupid Bond's so perhaps it's making a point that doesn't need to be made?Of course...I could be reading far to much into it...could be that cough syrup...seemed a little old. More like a now&later than syrup...probably a bad thing.
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I officially love you. You've just turned the whole thing with the older inspector into something new and...ookie.
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I know Vern gets hung up on little things and gives movies like Lethal Weapon a bad review because he doesn't like mullets and he hates the first Transporter because Statham talked about the standards he strives for in his home business a little too much, but I'm surprised to see everybody else also seems to feel some huge divide between the two films. I'd actually have a hard time picking my favorite of the two. The idea that one's ridiculous and the other believalbe baffles me.
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I can see what you're saying with the whole not fucking her just to show how cool he is thing. Is that a cliche in these types of films? I guess that's why I don't watch bullshit movies like this that are hyperviolent, hypermasculine, and hyperstupid in every way. They cater and pander to the male id and only serve to foster unrealistic and unattainable fantasies in men, thereby giving them some kind of sick pleasure at the expense of women or anyone else perceived to not be manly or cool. They ultimately leave a pathetic unhappy shell of a person who abuses others in order to relive the fantasy to feel better about themselves.
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Now, that's a sentiment I can agree with. I wouldn't go as far as you did, but you're absolutely correct on what those films play to in the male mind. I would argue that it is every bit the "Male Fantasy" as "being swept away by the unattainable badboy" of Twilight and Harlequin Romances are for women. It's what some SECRETLY profess to want - but don't really want if given the choice.
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At what point in time while watching those movies led you to believe the Frank character is gay? He obviously fell for the asian girl in the first movie.
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I'm sure someone else pointed it out, but I'm too lazy to read all the other hate to find it. I've read it in several different spots, they don't come out an openly say he's a fruit-bat, but it's implied. That's why he would turn down the puss.
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...I want Taken 2.
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who the hell would think this is good, or even cool, beside a 12 year old boy. Take a page from Batman Begins, Bourne, Casino Royale....audiences want action within the realm of possibility.
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He's a very organized person. He's disciplined. His psyche is clearly guided by his superego (note his continual emphasis on "the rules"). Basically, he's everything a pussyhound is NOT. It isn't that hetero sex is not a priority for him... it's just very low on his list of priorities.
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The second one was so-so...watchable, but lacking the flair and charm of the first film. Not to mention it was lacking Shu Qi, a distinct oversight.
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The second one much less so, although the love interest was pretty hot. Plus it was set in the States, which kind of pussified it. Never occurred to me that Frank might be gay and am curious as to what constitutes the homoerotic subtext. Regardless, Statham's one of those stars I'll see anything he's in. Even that Uwe Boll piece of shit.
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In the first one he does have a female lover. For the second one, Letterier said in an interview that he considered Frank to be gay and had purposely put dialogue in there to suggest that. Statham was asked about it and disagreed. But if you watch there are scenes that can be read that way, the main one I remember was something to do with a woman trying to have sex with her, him saying he couldn't because of what he is - which can be read to mean because he's gay or because he's in this dangerous job of Transportation.
So I wasn't joking, I really think the scene at the end of part 3 was meant to continue in that tradition and imply that he had been gay and had changed.
Letterier talked about Frank being the first gay action hero, but I actually read the same thing into John Woo's BLACKJACK starring Dolph Lundgren. He has this guy who could maybe be his assistant but seems like his partner. I actually tried emailing the screenwriter to see what he had to say about the matter, but he didn't respond, so it remains a mystery. -
..he will if he can get away with it. It's what women know deep in their hearts and why they love and hate us at the same time. They expect us to be better than that, yet also don't mind exploiting it to their advantage when they are young and hot and can pull it off. It's really a topic unto itself but I do agree with two things: The second Transporter was a stoopid piece of shit, and no man walks away...unless it's just truly NASTY.
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go re-watch the movies. He is gay/bi-sexual. He's LGBTQ. It's an in-joke. The script for part 1 was so homoerotic that the filmmakers decided, "screw it, let's just make him gay."
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seriously guys. All of you talking about, "yeah! hit that shit!" like knuckle-dragging fratboys need to grow up and get a girlfriend/boyfriend instead of a one night stand, if that.
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OMG-This movie has already turned you all gay just for keyboard typing!
There's no problem with having a bromance with J-he actually beats punks down once in a while.
"There's lots of colors in the Homo Rainbow-feel free to let your color shine"
What color are you?
-MLB :-)
ps-this is the most retardest TB ever in the history of AICN-Im just saying! -
is in For Your Eyes Only, when the geriatric Roger Moore has this horny, teenage ice skating queen buck naked in his bed and he says, "Now put your clothes on and I'll buy you an ice cream." And the audience breathes a collective sigh of relief!!!
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Nov 25, 2008 9:15:39 PM CST
DrTuring takes on Vern and Massawyrm's review of Transporter 3
by drturing
Well here we are folks, with my review of the reviews of Transporter 3.
It's good to see Vern back in fine form, perhaps reenergized by JVCD and hoping that someone will do the same for Seagal. Vern's review fires on all chambers (see what I did there, I made a car in motion pun), with references to Seagal, love of the stupidest shit ever put on screen, and his typical smuggling in leftist values under a smokescreen of machismo (he really really wants Frank to be Gay so he can star in Prop 8 ads - after all, Vern did love Be Kind Rewind and probably secretly reads Utne Reader when no ones looking). Although Vern can be sometimes predictable, his prose is lean, mean and wryly funny - the kind of whisper quiet joke that hits you sentences later.
Massawyrm, however, continues to be the douche who features a confederate flag in his avatar, depicting a man who not only tabletop games but has mulleted red hair, which we all know is like pussy kryptonite. I was quite surprised by Massa's review, as it didn't attempt to make any sort of allusion to pussies, manliness, machismo, or pussy worship, or bad attempts to make gross out jokes that just copy Harry's conflated style. When I read a Massawyrm review I expect a sentence that sounds like it came from a discussion on To Catch a Predator, where he justifies why he thinks real men want to have sex with Dakota Fanning or something - some kind of sexually insecure, over the top outrageous statement that one can combine with his love for tabletop gaming to infer that Massawyrm hasn't seen pussy in person since he attended the Catfancy convention. But alas, deep into the review no sexist statements. Until - finally, he delivers at the end! But dissapointment, he doesn't turn the heroines water sports activities as reason to use some throw away line as if to indicate that Massawyrm was the Don Juan of Hot Topic. In any case, a subdued effort from the 'Wyrm.
To recap, then, Vern is a much better writer than Massawyrm, and gets laid more often. -
there are some gay innuendos, but he banged Shu Qi. So he goes both ways, and happens to think with his head instead of his penis, thus allowing him the ability to turn down sex on occasion. Hey, and maybe he just happened to respect the woman in the second movie enough to not let her have sex with him. Y'know, so as to maybe not give her herpes or something.
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than the MILK talkback.
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Love the name. Unleashed was one of the best Jet Li movies. I loved how he killed the S&M dude in like two seconds.
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That's what we need: a Shaft movie.
Makin' like a sex machine wit' all da chicks. -
He's half the reason I'll go watch this.
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Can someone please explain what the infamous final review bit was about? After reading it, it sounded like Massa was done at the site, but obviously that's not the case...
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Nov 26, 2008 3:53:03 AM CST
Who cares when AVATAR is fucking our eyeballs in 2009?
by motoko kusanagi
nobodyEspecially when the first two Transporter movies sucked like hell.
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to get my mitts on Shu Qi, then sign me up, baby. flame on.
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The woman was the married mother of the kid he's transporting / protectiong.
Sleeping with her would have broken a rule/s
She's married, she's related to his package, the package was also a friend.
Frank and his rules making him what he is, is why he didn't sleep with her. -
If you guys have never turned down sex, then you've fucked some very, very ugly chicks.That is all.
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Nov 26, 2008 7:49:56 AM CST
Frank is just stupid for not banging the married mom in T2, not
by spyguy
Some people actually try to respect the idea of marriage, you know. It doesn't make them gay, just really stupid.
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And I love them both.
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Nov 26, 2008 9:02:04 AM CST
THERE IS NOTHING COOL ABOUT TURNING DOWN PERFECTLY GOOD PUSSY.
by leafar the lost
I quote, "THERE IS NOTHING COOL ABOUT TURNING DOWN PERFECTLY GOOD PUSSY." I think you once again miss the point. These action hero guys turn down the pussy, because they are not in control of the situation. It isn't manly to reveal emotions. The only two emotions that a real man is allowed to show is anger and happiness. The only times that a real man is allowed to cry is during weddings and funerals. Once again, Massawyrm, you need to remember that these films take place in the action-hero universe. You have played Dungeons & Dragons and Warhammer so much that you can no longer tell the difference between Reality and Fantasy. Harry needs to call your family and do an Intervention on your ass...
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Nov 26, 2008 9:51:15 AM CST
Massawyrm -- turning down pussy works for Bourne?
by dannyglovers_dickblood
Oh fuck that. Nothing works for Bourne except great moments where Matt Damon tries real hard to look not so retarded.
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Transporter films don't make me an unhappy shell of a person. They give me the urge to kick someone in the face and develop a British accent. And I agree about being picky with the cunt. But as far as the butt goes, I'll play in almost any female anal cavity.
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Coz I don't know about you, but I think I'd be pretty bummed out if I saw John Matrix getting all weepy at some wedding.
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That's what I learned from the trailer for the first Transporter. Sadly, it wasn't in the actual movie! What in the fuck!?I agree... the second movie was shittier than the first. Anyone remember the scene where the chick shoots her machine gun at that helicopter and it explodes in a puff of fiery smoke? There was no debris, it was like when you kill an enemy on Contra. Poof! And it just disappears. Doubt I'll pay money to see this, but I will see it at some point... some how, some way.
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Nov 26, 2008 10:56:42 AM CST
i cant believe i have to give sex advice to a dude named dickblo
by drturing
anal sex leads to greater transmission of stds than vaginal, fyi. especially the hiv.
what is it with modern young dudes and wanting the assfucking so bad, anyway? i really don't get it. -
The risk is part of the enjoyment. Its like roadhead. Its dangerous, so it really adds to the earth shaking power of my orgasm.
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mind the potholes, dude.
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Nov 26, 2008 11:52:30 AM CST
Roadhead's better when she's driving and you give directions
by stuntcock mike
"Go left. No, right. Umm, not on the shaft dummy."
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because when I pull my dick out of her, it's usually going in her mouth, and once I'm done unloading my cum in her mouth, I'm kissing her hard, and I like for her mouth to not have shit residue in there.
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