Ain't It Cool News (

Steven Seagal To Star
In Cable Reality Show!!

I am – Hercules!!
Does the Jefferson Parish County Sheriff's Office permit its deputies to sport ponytails? A&E has lured Steven Seagal away from his acting and singing careers to star in a reality show titled “Steven Seagal: Lawman,” which will follow him in his day job as a (donut-scarfing?) Louisiana deputy. Too young to remember who Seagal is? Variety explains:
Seagal toplined a series of successful actioners in the '90s, most profitably in the "Under Siege" couplet. His Warner Bros. contract was not renewed in 1997; since then he has appeared mostly in straight-to-video projects and exclusively so since 2003. Most recently, he wrote and starred in "Kill Switch" for First Look Intl.; it bowed on Oct. 7.
He is also widely acknowledged by “Saturday Night Live” producers, writers and cast as the single most obnoxious guest host the show has ever employed. Find all of Variety’s story on the matter here.

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Not Every Book Can Be About A Great Actor!! Vern's Seagalogy: On Sale Today!!

Readers Talkback
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  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Wait, what?

    by Dijonase24

    I'll hang around and wait for Vern to weigh in. His is the only opinion that matters in this case.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:07 p.m. CST

    One thing I want to know - who's Stacy London?

    by Pennsy

    And why does she have a commercial in this talkback!? ;)

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:07 p.m. CST

    Damn you Fuck Michael Bay

    by DamnMichaelBay

    You suck.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:09 p.m. CST


    by Stuntcock Mike

    Must see! Must see now!

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:10 p.m. CST

    How could we forget who he is on this site!

    by My Mom Is A Whore


  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:11 p.m. CST

    was he on Karate Kid?

    by punto

    it rings a bell

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:13 p.m. CST

    Take us to the Blood Bank

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:13 p.m. CST

    He's Still no JCVD

    by snax

    and that's all I got!

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:13 p.m. CST

    This is for my wife.

    by caruso_stalker217

    Fuck you and die!

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:17 p.m. CST


    by DivisionPost

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:18 p.m. CST

    Put him in a movie with JCVD and Chuck Norris...

    by IAmJack'sUserID

    ...that way we would have the three worst actors responsible for the worst movies in history all in one movie. Come on. Seagal sucks, as does his entire filmog.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:18 p.m. CST


    by rassmguy most definitely NOT cool news.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:20 p.m. CST

    I saw Junior College Venereal Disease

    by HellKing

    It was good until Jean-Claude used it to whine about how he was treated in Hollywood. Sorry Jean-Claude, it's just the natural cycle of Hollywood stardom. And no you didn't discover John Woo and he didn't deny you a leading role in Face-Off because John Woo never had that kind of power in Hollywood which is why most of his Hollywood movies sucked. So quit whining about it.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:21 p.m. CST

    This time SS will get a hard on in front of a bear

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Read Vern's book.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:23 p.m. CST

    Special Coaxial Correspondant:

    by buffywrestling

    Vern has to review this.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:29 p.m. CST

    what the fuck? Reality show? But he plays a cop?


  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:33 p.m. CST

    Haha, tear him way from his acting and singing career

    by Heckles

    Because he has so much work coming his way. Shitty straight-to-video flicks and playing guitar at Indian Casinos, you've come a long way Mr. Segal.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:35 p.m. CST

    And if you've not bought a copy of Vern's book...

    by palimpsest so immediately. It's like the Third Testament, except with mucho mumbling aikido-style slicked-back motherfuckery.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:35 p.m. CST

    That reminds me, I've got to order Out for Justice

    by Stuntcock Mike

    on Blu-ray tonight.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:41 p.m. CST

    So I guess he really was Out for Justice...

    by kravmaguffin

    Does New Orleans require cops to pass a physical? First cop to shot a jay walker! First cop to break a shoplifter's limbs in multiple places! Seagal's Law!

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:46 p.m. CST

    should be awesome...

    by the milf lover

    like a cross between Cops and Dog the Bounty Hunter, but with trips to the emergency room for the culprits who cross Seagal's path!

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:49 p.m. CST

    I saw CNN's Anderson Cooper at a book signing appearance...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius DC. He was relaying some of his New Orleans-Hurricane Katrina coverage experiences to the crowd when someone asked him about Steven Seagal. So, Anderson proceeds to tell everyone of how when he and his film crew were documenting various bits of destruction, Steven Seagal suddenly appeared out of nowhere...dressed in full law enforcement regalia.<P>Needless to say, Anderson was shocked. When he asked Seagal just what the hell he was doing, he said he was only there to help out the people of New Orleans and declined to appear on camera.<P>Basically, Anderson went on to say that running into Officer Steven Seagal was the most surreal experience he had while covering Katrina. Pretty funny stuff.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:50 p.m. CST

    See, I told you about this

    by Vern <p> Third to last paragraph.<P> I don't know man, it sounds amazing, but I don't want him to turn into some reality show freak like so many others. I almost wish it was just a documentary. He's really been doing this for 20 years? I'd like to know more. According to a source there is footage of him wearing a ninja mask, sporting an uzi, arresting crackheads. We'll see if that's true or not. This is a strange world we're living in in my opinion.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:55 p.m. CST

    Hopefully he ends each episode with a musical

    by Stuntcock Mike

    performance. I'm not even fucking joking.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 4:59 p.m. CST

    "The Pony-Tailed Douche Next Door"

    by irrelevntelefant

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:02 p.m. CST

    Steven Seagal's career has finally come to an end.

    by Leafar the Lost

    The signal that a celebrity's career has come to an end is their appearance on a Reality Show. Typically it is a last, desparate attempt at some fame and a quick paycheck. Seagal must be a major league asshole if he couldn't even get a TV series. Now he has descended to the level of Dustin Diamond and Lorenzo Lamas.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:07 p.m. CST

    I completely love how crap Seagal is.

    by Damien Chowder

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:12 p.m. CST

    Tina Fey called Paris Hilton a "Fucking Piece of Shit"

    by beefywhore

    on Stern. If Steven Segal was worse than her he must be a real piece of work. He DOES run like a girl.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:30 p.m. CST

    too bad vern allreadt responded

    by Basehead

    i wanted to say: somewhere in the world verns dick just got hard

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:31 p.m. CST

    I heard...

    by The_Closet_Nerd

    that instead of guns or nightsticks, he just carries a pool ball in a towel.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:33 p.m. CST

    His partner?

    by The_Closet_Nerd

    Would any one have the guts to be his partner in the reality show after they see what happens in his films to them?

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:35 p.m. CST

    Do ya reckon...

    by Roland_The_Gunslinger

    ...that there's anyone who comes onto this site that doesn't know who The Seagal Eagle is? Just outta curiosity. Peace and doughnuts x

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:43 p.m. CST

    Wait a second...

    by Jason B. Swaim

    I thought he was just a cook?

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:44 p.m. CST


    by Phimseto

    ...I remember hearing about this before. Is there any place where I can read up on this? I would love to read some anecdotes about this.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:51 p.m. CST

    Found this typing "Worst SNL Host" into Google:

    by Hercules

    TIM MEADOWS: Well, you know, I’m not going to… (laughs) That’s a tough question, because he still is a martial arts expert, and I live in L.A., so I don’t want him coming looking for me! But it wasn’t a fun week that week, and…y’know, it was… (hesitates) It’s hard for someone with almost no sense of humor to host "SNL." (laughs) I think that’s the best way to put it. Even with, like, athletes, who you don’t expect to be funny, they come in and they just do the show and they do what you ask them to do. They’re coachable. They want to learn new things, and it turns out to be a fun week whenever we’ve had sports. But that week in particular, it was difficult. Because he had his ideas about what was funny, and you just wanted to go, "Well, what have you done that’s funny that I should actually trust what you think?" You know? And, so, yeah, I’m not gonna say he was the worst host, but…it wasn’t a fun week. It was one of those weeks that I’d rather forget about. <p> But I think everybody first weighed in on Seagal in Tom Shales' excellent book on the show.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 5:53 p.m. CST

    Too slow

    by ByTor

    Soon as I saw the headline, I ran for the TB to make some Vern-related joke.<P>But of course, Vern's already been here. So I'm done.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 6:14 p.m. CST

    i wanna reality show about kimberly kane

    by bacci40

    or katie morgan...two of the smartest and funniest gals in the porn industry...if people will watch that playboy dribble with bubbleheaded idiots with fake boobs...they will sure as shit watch intelligent hot babes...i never understood the appeal of seagul...dude never had a sense of humor about himelf, and guys who could really fight kicked his ass all over the place

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 6:18 p.m. CST


    by kwisatzhaderach

    Your book cover guarantees a buy from me. Brilliant.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 6:29 p.m. CST

    Time to extend Joel McHale's contract

    by Mel Gibsteinberg

    Cause you know this knews has the producers of The Soup bowing down and praising their lord and savior! <P>A freaking Steven Segal reality show! Move over Tyra, The Soup just found its go to clip of the week, every...single...week. This will be AWESOMEEEEEE

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 6:31 p.m. CST

    Thats news, not "knews"

    by Mel Gibsteinberg

    Typed it too fast. Still, yeah The Soup people have to be drooling at the prospect. <P>'Get SOME!

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Seagal is a Legend in his own mind--so is Ryan Seacrest

    by chromedome

    Is there something about the SEA____ named people?

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 6:43 p.m. CST

    COCKPUNCHER the series! Whoohoo

    by EvilWizardGlick

    Yeah baby.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 6:46 p.m. CST

    Gene LeBell choked out Seagal until he pooped himself!

    by EvilWizardGlick

    Google up the LeBell stories. <p> Man the guy fucking worked with Bruce Lee on Green Hornet. <p> They were tight.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 6:49 p.m. CST

    Karate Kid Reboot

    by Junior Frenger

    They should make a new Karate Kid with Seagal in the Miyagi role and DJ Qualls as Daniel. Instead of Miyagi (Seagal) actually teaching anything he'll just kick the crap out of the kid until the kid learns to fight back. Daniel (Qualls) will eventually go mad with rage, get a gun, and shoot Miyagi san. Spitting up his own blood Seagal will proclaim that with this act the kid has learned his final lesson! Yep, I'll be waitng for my check Steve.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 7:18 p.m. CST

    Is anyone surprised? Really?

    by F-18

    As many years as the "reality" show genre has been on tv, I'm amazed that Seagal hasn't had a show before now.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:06 p.m. CST

    Another SNL/Seagal anecdote

    by blindambition238

    Excerpts from a SNL behind the scenes book via <p> David Spade: "[Seagal] didn’t want to go along with what the plan was that week, and as a result, I think that was the first week that I heard talk about replacing the host and just doing a cast show." <p> Julia Sweeney: "When we pitched our ideas for Seagal at our Monday meeting, he gave us some of his own sketch ideas. And some of his sketch ideas were so heinous, but so hilariously awful, it was like we were on Candid Camera. <p> He had this idea that he’s a therapist and he wanted Victoria Jackson to be his patient who’s just been raped. And the therapist says, “You’re going to have to come to me twice a week for like three years,” because, he said, “that’s how therapists fucking are. They’re just trying to get your money.” And then he says that the psychiatrist tries to have sex with her." <p> Awesome, no?

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:06 p.m. CST


    by alice 13

    i bet he wrote this himself too. i cant wait for him to start lecturing old ladies who park near hydrants.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:22 p.m. CST

    Need to say really after a rhetorhical question? Really?

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    What else can I do to sound as much like a 100 proof douche as possible? Really? Christ what a stupid meme/fad/trend whatever.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:25 p.m. CST

    Found this typing "worst AICN contributor" into Google...

    by BadMrWonka

    but it's not what you think:<p> <p>

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:28 p.m. CST

    He and Kelly Lebrock could go on

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    The Biggest Loser, couples edition. Seriously, she put on a lot of weight, and was on some celeb reality weight loss show. Looks aren't everything, we all age, but from a health standpoint, she really needed to lose some weight.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:28 p.m. CST

    Artie Lang has a funny Seagal story..

    by BigTuna

    Apparently Seagal told him "I Just Read The Greatest Screenplay Ever" When asked who wrote it, Seagal responded "I Did".

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:54 p.m. CST

    The Ponytailed one returns!

    by toadkillerdog

    Can he even get out of a squad car these days?

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:55 p.m. CST

    That wasn't Artie Lang

    by Vern

    that was some studio executive or something quoted in a Vanity Fair story. The best part is that Seagal was crying he was so moved by the script. (allegedly)<p> As for the SNL stuff it's amusing and all, but who ever thought he would be good at that? The relevant question here is what the hell happens when he's running around enforcing the law. I wish somebody really good would write a biography of him, then it could later be adapted into a sprawling biopic epic like THE AVIATOR but with more action. I mean, the guy travelled to Japan, ran a dojo, worked with Toshiro Mifune, broke Sean Connery's fist, hosted Saturday Night Live to the delight of Hercules, crossed the mafia, plays a mean blues guitar, and apparently has been helping out with law enforcement in Louisiana for 20 years!? We need the facts.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 9:04 p.m. CST

    I CAN'T WAIT not to see this.


    No kiddin'. I'm super cited about not seeing this

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 9:18 p.m. CST

    Vern, what we need is the first five minutes of

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    Above the Law turned into a full length movie. I mean it looks like he came from almost nothing, his parents became Americans, instilled a pride of country in him, and he became what he is. That is the movie we need to see.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Next he'll be doing that Gene Simmons' SEAL training

    by kabong

    or whatever he was doing on the diving board. <P> Are we sure this is "real"? (Damn, TV's bad.) <P> And SS was great in "Executive Decision" with that short scene: "You will."

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Just remebered I've seen him in person before

    by blindambition238

    I was walking through the airport in Chaingmai, Thailand a few years ago and saw him standing in the doorway of the vip lounge. <p> He was wearing one of those funky stereotype asian robes that tourist sometimes feel compelled to wear when they visit the country and kept looking around like he was looking for someone or waiting for something to happen. He also had a bad tan and looked pretty heavy. <p> Now that I think about it I wonder if he was waiting to see if anyone recognized him (nobody appeared to). That was three or two years ago but the first time I thought about it since that actual day.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 9:54 p.m. CST

    I'm there

    by Charlie_Allnut

    at least it has to be better then that stupid show that had LaToya Jackson as a cop. That was just a slap in the face to law enforcement officers everywhere.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 10:33 p.m. CST

    Lorne Michaels said he was the biggest jerk to host...

    by kravmaguffin

    It was when Nic Cage hosted, Nic said to Lorne "I must be the biggest jerk that ever hosted" and Lorne said "No, that would be Steven Seagal".

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 11:06 p.m. CST

    This is the funniest thing I've read in days

    by crankyoldguy

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 11:54 p.m. CST

    Guy Who Got A Headache......

    by F-18

    Your mom didn't call me a douche after I got done with her. Really?

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 11:55 p.m. CST

    When he was in his 1990-1994 prime my family lived

    by beefywhore

    in Alaska. I remeber my Dad absolutely loved Hard to Kill through Under Seige. My dad had been a big Arnold fan throughout the 80's and though Arnold had a few good ones in hte early 90's, he also had a few not so good ones (Last Action Hero, Junior) and my dad was filling that Gap with Segal. When he came to Alaska we were so excited. Then when we saw that fucking Coat-Hanger Abortion On Deadly Ground it was all over for us. What a fucking Douche Bag-illow. My personal favorite part was the speach he made at the end about the millions of Alaskan Natives who suffer each year as a result of the Oil industry. While I'm not the biggest fan of Big Oil what I will say is that the entire population of the state of Alaska (at the time of Douche Bag-illow's film) was about 350,000 or so.... that's Native Alaskan and otherwise. So those Millions of Alaskan Natives sort of didn't exist. ugh I hope its a reality show about how he gets Cancer of the Aids of the ass.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 12:40 a.m. CST

    A "your mom" joke Mr. Spork? Really?

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    Really now. I mean REALLY?

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 12:48 a.m. CST

    Eat shit and die.

    by F-18

    I don't know what the hell your problem is, but go fuck yourself.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 12:55 a.m. CST

    I've enjoyed Seagal's movies...

    by otm shank

    but there's going to be alot of unhappy folks here when an out of shape Steve gets his ass handed to him by a crazed creole dude.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 1:15 a.m. CST

    Just the facts?

    by markthrust

    Listen I luv the idea of Seagal but fer gawd sakes!! "BAD Boys, BAD boys... watcha gonna do when they come for you!!" Despite the Vern luvin... just drop off the map already!!..I just don't want to hear about how he got busted up by some fat crack 'ho.. no no.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 1:40 a.m. CST

    SNL=Sucky No Laughs

    by Prossor

    funny to see SNL saying how unfunny some of seagal's ideas were when they themselves haven't been worth shit for the past 20 years with the exception of phil hartman. ironically seagal has provided more comedy then them for that period even if it was mostly unintentional.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 1:41 a.m. CST

    Get Will Sasso to play his partner.

    by White Goodman

    Have Sasso play Seagal next to Seagal. That fat bastard was pretty funny on Mad. What the hell happened to him?

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 2:27 a.m. CST

    Are you, like, some special forces guy or something?

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    Nah, I'm just the cook!<p>Gawd, I miss the old days when the beating pigtail aikido master made great movies and not DTV bullshit (which I mostly blame on the horrible directors).<p>That said, I really loved your book, Vern! I literally had to laugh out loud a couple of times. Only very few books manage to do so.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 2:28 a.m. CST

    AVATAR - Fucking your eyeballs in 2009!!!

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    You didn't actually think that I would come by and not mention this? Think again.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 3:38 a.m. CST

    The worst SNL host of all time was DESI ARNEZ.

    by Bob Cryptonight

    Ask Lorne. A close second was Milton Berle. Both of those old fucks were so arrogant because they were pioneers in television and they acted like true pricks on set.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 4:41 a.m. CST

    Headache guy

    by Vern

    I forgot to mention, I hate that "really?" thing too. I was sick of it from people I know saying it too much and next thing you know they had a whole recurring Weekend Update segment based around it. Then you knew it was trouble. Thanks for complaining about it because I thought I was the only one bothered by it.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 5:03 a.m. CST


    by LaserPants

    Or, FOREHEAD: The Series

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 6:42 a.m. CST

    Is Reality TV only for talentless washed up fuck heads?

    by LeftFoot

    Will they at some point teach him how to run so he doesn't look like 9 year old prissy girl?<P> The 'unwritten rules' of successful reality TV are becoming more transparent:<P> - The person/group must be talentless or close to it.<BR> - If they ever had a career it must be bottoming out (or close to it).<P> - At least one of characters MUST be unbearable. <BR> - Have a premise that is mind numbingly simply and/or stupid OR something inherently repugnant and offensive.<P> - The potential for train-wreck TV is absolutely essential. <P> SS as a cop fits these catagories. They won't even be able to teach this obnoxious prick how to run like a straight man (remember, he claims to be straight).

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 8:01 a.m. CST

    "my fat grandpa can beat up your dad"

    by palewook

    thats the working title of this reality series

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 8:57 a.m. CST


    by Come_ON


  • Nov. 25, 2008, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Seagal is a bloated fat bastard dick smoker

    by SeymourClearly

    I don't think that reality TV can stoop any lower than this. Steven Seagal is such a fucking tool.But I must admit that I will be watching to see how funny his train wreck life has become. Hopefully we will get to see him get his fat ass kicked by street thugs. Excellent!!!

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 9:39 a.m. CST


    by just pillow talk

    I have serious doubts that this will be any good, let alone tarnishing the fat one's rep. Maybe the Hulkster can show up as a guest. <p>Though on the plus side, I would like to see if a crook starts running away from him, will he just shoot him as it seems less than likely that fatso can actually even run anymore. No one wants to see a fat girl run. It would be like the Cloverfield monster, it's moving you're just not sure how and it doesn't look right.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 10:26 a.m. CST

    WHO? No, really, who?! Who is this Seagal person?

    by ricarleite

    Is he someone I should KEEP ignoring? Yes? Ok then.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 10:29 a.m. CST

    I want to see Seagal fuck up William Shatner....


    I don't know why. Its pudge against pudge, except one is 6'2 and one is 4'11.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 10:32 a.m. CST



    Fuck you for speaking ill of the pony-tailed one, and fuck you for being from Alaska you cross-eyed fuck.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 10:45 a.m. CST

    Is this like that reality show

    by skimn

    with LaToya Jackson and Erik Estrada as cops?

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Hopefully he takes a trip to Hawaii

    by Stuntcock Mike

    and unscrews the head of that piece of shit Dog. And his trailer trash family.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 11:01 a.m. CST

    seagal already fought shatner

    by neal2zod

    or at least i think he did on the ben stiller show. shat wins via simultaneous chop to both shoulders.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 11:11 a.m. CST

    anyone see that fat ass Mexican guy do Seagal on Mad TV?


    Fucking horrible. Dallas was more entertaining. <p>Thank fuck that trash is canceled.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 11:40 a.m. CST

    When Tim Meadows tells you you're not funny

    by ArcadianDS

    you are TERMINALLY not funny.<p> If this isn't a stunt show and he's actually a deputy, then good for him for actually DOING something to help out instead of sitting around and saying, "gee I sure hope things are going well for those folks."<p> This smells like a Dog The Bounty Hunter rip-off, except the difference is that the persona we all know in Seagal is movie acting. Dog Chapman is himself on camera - he has a natural charisma about him that makes you really root for him and his brood - but lets be honest: the only reason the show survives is because people are hoping to see a train wreck.<p>

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 11:41 a.m. CST


    by ArcadianDS

    cuz this thread needs some stunt titles

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 11:51 a.m. CST

    to utterly shock Danny...

    by just pillow talk

    Battle of the Behmemoths:<p>Steven Seagal vs. Paula Dean. First a cook-off, and then *shudder* the battle to end all battles.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 11:56 a.m. CST


    by ArcadianDS

    And now Hoshi Mihn will reveal today's secret ingredient and it is......<p> CANS OF SPRAYPAINT!<p> KURISAN?<p> yes?<p> Iron Chef is spraying his chicken with a honey yellow rustoleum. How daring!<p> And challenger Seagal appears to be putting them in a microwave set to 'reheat' this should be very inter*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 12:09 p.m. CST

    just pillow talk-- daaaaayuuuum. A cook off?


    I know for a fact-- Seagal can cook up some mean ass Missippi Delta Barbecue. Mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm.......

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 12:11 p.m. CST



    I root for Dog. I would never root for his dirty ass brood. I want those people to go the fuck away and bathe for like a week straight.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 12:34 p.m. CST

    I want to see Seagal have sex with a unicorn.


  • Nov. 25, 2008, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Re:sex with a unicorn

    by skimn

    with Seagal on the receiving end...

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 1:10 p.m. CST

    This talkback makes me crave

    by subtlety

    Stephen Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink. They used to sell it around here but then they stopped. Cherry only, I never saw the Asian one, although I am quite curious. It gives me superior state if mind, although I myself have to supply the superior attitude.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST

    Not to get off subject here...

    by The Eskimo

    ...but I would second BadMrWonka (08:25:14) suggestion to revisit that 2006 talkback he linked. Perhaps the most fucked up talkback I've read. Who knew Happy Feet was so controversial!

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 2 p.m. CST

    Oh and sex with a unicron...

    by The Eskimo

    ...while having his balls licked by that mechanical owl thing from Clash of the Titans

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 2:53 p.m. CST

    I could totally fuck up Seagal....


    ...if I had a shovel, and he was chained to the floor. WEAK!

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 2:56 p.m. CST

    The Eskimo


    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. <P>Fucking hilarious. That mechanical owl? I fucking loved that R2D2 beeping rip off. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Oh well....who fucking cares. That little guy was the best thing about that movie. And he sho' could sucka' deeek!!

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 4:54 p.m. CST

    Dog's wife is hideous

    by the milf lover

    she almost rivals the Bates in freakishness...

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 5:19 p.m. CST


    by dj from new orleans

    It's either Parish or County, not both... I might be able to get some inside scoop on this - if I can, I'll send it in.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 5:39 p.m. CST

    and why did you have to share, p0llk4t?

    by the milf lover

    now we all have that sickening visual in mind, thanks for the nightmares.<p> But then, Dog was in jail for a while, maybe he enjoys being the bottom to his wife's dick...

  • Nov. 26, 2008, 10:32 a.m. CST

    in the 1st season of Dog Bounty Hunter

    by ArcadianDS

    his wife was a medium sized D cup.<p> Now she's taking side work guiding barges into Key West.

  • Nov. 26, 2008, 5:48 p.m. CST

    Dolph will be next

    by pumaman

    mark my words...

  • Nov. 26, 2008, 9:09 p.m. CST


    by Charlie_Allnut

    He's in the new Stallone movie which is a guys on a mission movie! Haven't seen it reported on on AICN strangely enough... Its also go Jet Li!!!!!

  • Nov. 26, 2008, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Anybody seen Richie? I'm gonna keep comin' back until someone RE

    by GQtaste

    I'm gonna keep coming back till someone remembers seeing Richie! Does anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo? "Believe me, Tatoo, this guy ain't nuthin' without his badge and gun!" I offer $5000 for that badge... Richie Madano: What are ya gonna do? Shoot me? I'm outta bullets! Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Nope, but you see those bullets could've saved you a lot of pain. Richie Madano: I like pain. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Richie Madano: What about you, Paulie? You got the fuckin' balls? Paulie: Yeah, yeah I got the balls. [Richie tosses him a wad of cash] Richie Madano: Now you've got the bread. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [after breaking up a fight] Detective Gino Felino NYPD: You talking to me, man? Vermeer: Who the fuck you think you are, huh? Detective Gino Felino NYPD: You like to beat up on fuckin' women, is that it? Beat up on me asshole. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [after intimidating the entire bar] Sammy: I swear he's nothing without that badge and gun. Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Really? Let me show you something. [unloads and drops gun] Detective Gino Felino NYPD: There's my gun. [holds up police badge] Detective Gino Felino NYPD: And here's my badge. Fair game now, ok? This is your trophy, this is your trophy! Come and get it. Sammy: I offer five thousand for that badge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tattoos: Motherfucker, you knocked my teeth out! [Gino hits him again] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Detective Gino Felino NYPD: You, fuck nuts! Station Wagon Tough Guy: Hey, you talk to me? Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Yeah, would you have to be the guy who threw a puppy out of the window of this car the other day? Station Wagon Tough Guy: Hey, why's that your fuckin' business anyway? Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Cause I'm the animal lover. Station Wagon Tough Guy: Animal lover, huh? Look, asshole, if you won't mind your fuckin' business I'll place you in the fuckin' receptacle and toss you out of the fuckin' window. How about that? Detective Gino Felino NYPD: You're the tough guy, huh? Station Wagon Tough Guy: Tough guy? I'll show you how fuckin' tough guy I am. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Anybody seen Richie? Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patti Madano: Cops been in and outta here all night, but it's you I've been expecting. Kinda figured you'd save the best for yourself. Detective Gino Felino NYPD: How you doing, Patti? Patti Madano: I can still get it wet. How bout you, Gino? Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Me? I can't believe you can still eat with that mouth.

  • Nov. 29, 2008, 4:58 p.m. CST

    Steven Seagal

    by emeraldboy

    Takes himself too seriously. He blamed the Fbi for uining his career. I seem to recall one scene in a film of his where he was on golf course in golf buggy being chased by gun toting villains and they sprayed the golf buggy and didnt take a bullet. Hilarious. He sits po faced during interviews as if he is constipated or in pain. he either mumbles or says nothing. Gere is big into buddha and hates the press. but at least he talks. unlike seagal who really doesnt say anything during interviews.

  • Nov. 29, 2008, 5:01 p.m. CST

    I have seen all his films...

    by emeraldboy

    I really enjoyed the under siege films. I thought the one in alaska was his best film. but i dont care enough about Seagal. If this doesnt work. meh.

  • Dec. 1, 2008, 1:44 p.m. CST

    I am confused

    by Darth Busey

    I thought Steven Seagal was ABOVE THE LAW?