Hola all. Massawyrm here.

If Bela Lugosi’s Dracula was the cool, stark single malt scotch of vampire films, and Near Dark its Kentucky sour mash, then Twilight would be its Zima, or perhaps the Bartles & Jaymes of undead filmmaking. Everything that is great, alluring or horrific about the vampire mythos finds itself here watered down and rendered almost impotent for an audience easily drunk off of the slightest hint of a fang. It’s easy to attack this film for being an estrogen drenched epic or for perpetuating the pale skinned, tussled hair emo ideal. But I can forgive that. No, my problem is that they use the word vampire in something that isn’t actually a vampire film. It might as well be a Harlequin romance novel with Edward Cullen - the sullen, conflicted vampire - replacing Eduardo the pool boy from the wrong side of the tracks or Greaser Vic the leader of the pack. Except, you know, he’s not actually a vampire.

I fully understand why this resonates with female audiences. It’s female wish fulfillment, pure and simple. The same way that James Bond and Frank Martin and Dominic Toretto play to the teenage male fantasy, so does Bella Swan play to the fantastical feminine ideal. She’s an independent girl that all the boys in school openly desire, but is new in town, so she’s still mysterious and somewhat lonely. She’s got an emotionally distant father and an unavailable mother. And the boy that every other girl in school wants – who happens to secretly be a member of the local vampire clan – desires her as well. Why? Because despite the fact that he can read everyone else’s mind, he cannot read hers. That makes her special. And mysterious. And despite the fact that every instinct in this boy’s body tells him to tear her apart and drink her dry – he feels somehow strangely connected to her and instead wants nothing more than to protect her.

His undying, inexplicable love keeps him from killing her. You get it now? You see why the ladies are all about this? He’s the ultimate unattainable bad boy. An immortal killer who is sexy, strong and very protective. Oh, yeah. And he’s incapable of having sex and doesn’t sleep, so he just wants to stay up all night and talk.

Forget for a moment that he’s actually a ninety year old man trolling high schools for 17 year old tail. Throw logic completely out the window as you wonder why these kids have been going to high school for the better part of a century, because despite their age, wisdom and culture, not a one of them has ever heard of this new fangled “home schooling.” And let’s live for a moment in a cinematic world in which a guy who sneaks into your room at night to watch you sleep is considered romantic rather than extraordinarily creepy. Shit, last time I tried that all I got was a face full of pepper spray, a restraining order and a month in the pokey. Edward Cullen gets to cuddle with Kristen Stewart. Not that I’m bitter.

And then there’s the issue of the vampirism. Look. Vampire myths range far and wide. From the hopping vampires of Asia, to the vetala of India, all the way to the modern Bram Stoker interpretation of European myths, there are a number of ways you can tell a vampire story. But when you use the word VAMPIRE, you have to understand that it carries a lot of connation that you have to back up. You’re effectively using a great myth and a cultural icon to shoulder the bulk of your storytelling and you are then dependant on doing something interesting with it. Ignoring some of the classic tropes is fine. You want them to be able to cross running water? Cool. Eat garlic loaded pasta and pizza? Fine. Not only ignore crosses, but adorn themselves with them. Right on.

But when your VAMPIRES give a reflection in mirrors? When they don’t sleep in coffins? When they don’t have fangs? When they not only can walk around in sunlight…but glisten like they’re covered in diamonds when they do? Then they’re not vampires. They’re superheroes with special dietary concerns. BUT WAIT! Edward’s clan is special. You see, they don’t eat humans. They eat animals…kinda…kinda like the rest of us. Huh. So they walk around in sunlight, they show up in mirrors and they eat animals. What makes them different again? OH! RIGHT! Their overwhelming desire to eat human flesh.

That doesn’t make you a vampire. That just makes you mentally unstable. Isn’t that romantic?

Look. I don’t blame Stephenie Meyer. She’s simply continuing a trend that began long before she put her pen to the page. Anne Rice owns the mantle of beginning the slow, painful death of the modern vampire mythos when she turned it into a series of romance novels that begot Vampire: The Masquerade that begot Underworld that ultimately stillbirthed this. It’s what I loved so much about Let the Right One In. That was a movie that went back to the well, lived fully within the mythos, and told a classic tale that both included the romance of the vampire as well as the true horror that lay within its grasp. It’s possible to watch that and see either a sweetly romantic film about unconditional love – or one that is far more sinister, dark and brooding. But that film will sadly go mostly neglected while this film makes a billion kajillion dollars. And to make matters worse, it will only reinforce the notion of remaking Let the Right One In in English with sexy teenagers rather than innocent looking kids (which is the ridiculous idea I hear they’ve been kicking around already and completely undercuts what works about the film.)

So is this movie at least romantic? Only in the immature pre-teen sense of the word. Edward is everything that women idealize without actually, really wanting in real life. He’s dangerous, unobtainable to all but the heroine and does things that in the context of cinema are considered romantic, but in real life we call stalking. There are laws against the kind of love this 90 year old man has for this 17 year old girl. And that’s before you even begin to wonder why a 90 year old man who can’t have sex has any interest whatsoever in a 17 year old girl. The film certainly never gives you a reason. I guess maybe he’s just a very immature 90. After all, he keeps going to High School over and over and over again. Inexplicably.

As a film it’s paced decently enough. Hardwicke is a very competent film maker who knows how to keep the film moving. Unfortunately, she seems to have thrown out everything else she knows about film making in order to appeal to the 13 year old crowd this is targeting. The special effects here are quite simply dogshit that Sci-Fi Channel execs would send back to the drawing board. They border on I-can’t-believe-I-paid-to-see-this ludicrous and occasionally make you wonder which setting on VIDEO TOASTER they used to achieve them. Then there are moments that caused even the “we paid to see it midnight the night before it opens” crowd to laugh out loud. Here was a crowd itching to love it that laughed at just how over the top it was. Just wait for the moment the diamond skin effect happens and let the sheer silliness of it wash over you. Keep a straight face. I dare you.

But worst of all, Hardwicke made the completely insane choice of using narration that I can only assume comes from the book. Now I’m not one of those guys who thinks narration is a tool for only weak writers and film makers, but there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough. Twilight is that moment. It is not a film that needed narration. It ain’t high art. And the emotions this thing is wrestling with are far from complicated. But there are times when the narration is explaining things that can clearly be seen on screen in front of you, because, well, fuck nuance. The film clearly thinks its audience needs to have an explanation of what’s going on right in front of their eyes, to be spoon fed the murky depths of teenage romance. Which told me right away that I was not the audience for this movie. And odds are, if you are reading this now, neither are you.

Oh, and just wait for the “subtle” gags about the native American tribe that lives in the area. Gee. I wonder which White Wolf game I saw their storyline in…back in 1995.

Twilight certainly isn’t unwatchable. There’s a guilty pleasure aspect to it that I fully understand. As a red blooded American boy who grew up on crap action, I certainly get the desire for youth geared crap romance. And that’s what this is. This isn’t a GOOD movie. It’s a movie you can like despite itself. That is if you try not to think too hard about it. Unfortunately for me I thought too much about it and have slowly begun to hate the thing more and more the further I get away from it. If you’re one of those people who thinks you’re going to hate Twilight going in, you probably will. I tried to like it, but there’s just so little here for me to like.

I never thought I’d see a vampire movie that would make me pine for the old Fox TV show Kindred: The Embraced, but here it is.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

Okay, here’s a question. If they’re not REALLY vampires, why the hell is it called TWILIGHT???