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Massawyrm kisses 10 bucks goodbye on a midnight screening of TWILIGHT!!!


Hola all. Massawyrm here. If Bela Lugosi’s Dracula was the cool, stark single malt scotch of vampire films, and Near Dark its Kentucky sour mash, then Twilight would be its Zima, or perhaps the Bartles & Jaymes of undead filmmaking. Everything that is great, alluring or horrific about the vampire mythos finds itself here watered down and rendered almost impotent for an audience easily drunk off of the slightest hint of a fang. It’s easy to attack this film for being an estrogen drenched epic or for perpetuating the pale skinned, tussled hair emo ideal. But I can forgive that. No, my problem is that they use the word vampire in something that isn’t actually a vampire film. It might as well be a Harlequin romance novel with Edward Cullen - the sullen, conflicted vampire - replacing Eduardo the pool boy from the wrong side of the tracks or Greaser Vic the leader of the pack. Except, you know, he’s not actually a vampire. I fully understand why this resonates with female audiences. It’s female wish fulfillment, pure and simple. The same way that James Bond and Frank Martin and Dominic Toretto play to the teenage male fantasy, so does Bella Swan play to the fantastical feminine ideal. She’s an independent girl that all the boys in school openly desire, but is new in town, so she’s still mysterious and somewhat lonely. She’s got an emotionally distant father and an unavailable mother. And the boy that every other girl in school wants – who happens to secretly be a member of the local vampire clan – desires her as well. Why? Because despite the fact that he can read everyone else’s mind, he cannot read hers. That makes her special. And mysterious. And despite the fact that every instinct in this boy’s body tells him to tear her apart and drink her dry – he feels somehow strangely connected to her and instead wants nothing more than to protect her. His undying, inexplicable love keeps him from killing her. You get it now? You see why the ladies are all about this? He’s the ultimate unattainable bad boy. An immortal killer who is sexy, strong and very protective. Oh, yeah. And he’s incapable of having sex and doesn’t sleep, so he just wants to stay up all night and talk. Forget for a moment that he’s actually a ninety year old man trolling high schools for 17 year old tail. Throw logic completely out the window as you wonder why these kids have been going to high school for the better part of a century, because despite their age, wisdom and culture, not a one of them has ever heard of this new fangled “home schooling.” And let’s live for a moment in a cinematic world in which a guy who sneaks into your room at night to watch you sleep is considered romantic rather than extraordinarily creepy. Shit, last time I tried that all I got was a face full of pepper spray, a restraining order and a month in the pokey. Edward Cullen gets to cuddle with Kristen Stewart. Not that I’m bitter. And then there’s the issue of the vampirism. Look. Vampire myths range far and wide. From the hopping vampires of Asia, to the vetala of India, all the way to the modern Bram Stoker interpretation of European myths, there are a number of ways you can tell a vampire story. But when you use the word VAMPIRE, you have to understand that it carries a lot of connation that you have to back up. You’re effectively using a great myth and a cultural icon to shoulder the bulk of your storytelling and you are then dependant on doing something interesting with it. Ignoring some of the classic tropes is fine. You want them to be able to cross running water? Cool. Eat garlic loaded pasta and pizza? Fine. Not only ignore crosses, but adorn themselves with them. Right on. But when your VAMPIRES give a reflection in mirrors? When they don’t sleep in coffins? When they don’t have fangs? When they not only can walk around in sunlight…but glisten like they’re covered in diamonds when they do? Then they’re not vampires. They’re superheroes with special dietary concerns. BUT WAIT! Edward’s clan is special. You see, they don’t eat humans. They eat animals…kinda…kinda like the rest of us. Huh. So they walk around in sunlight, they show up in mirrors and they eat animals. What makes them different again? OH! RIGHT! Their overwhelming desire to eat human flesh. That doesn’t make you a vampire. That just makes you mentally unstable. Isn’t that romantic? Look. I don’t blame Stephenie Meyer. She’s simply continuing a trend that began long before she put her pen to the page. Anne Rice owns the mantle of beginning the slow, painful death of the modern vampire mythos when she turned it into a series of romance novels that begot Vampire: The Masquerade that begot Underworld that ultimately stillbirthed this. It’s what I loved so much about Let the Right One In. That was a movie that went back to the well, lived fully within the mythos, and told a classic tale that both included the romance of the vampire as well as the true horror that lay within its grasp. It’s possible to watch that and see either a sweetly romantic film about unconditional love – or one that is far more sinister, dark and brooding. But that film will sadly go mostly neglected while this film makes a billion kajillion dollars. And to make matters worse, it will only reinforce the notion of remaking Let the Right One In in English with sexy teenagers rather than innocent looking kids (which is the ridiculous idea I hear they’ve been kicking around already and completely undercuts what works about the film.) So is this movie at least romantic? Only in the immature pre-teen sense of the word. Edward is everything that women idealize without actually, really wanting in real life. He’s dangerous, unobtainable to all but the heroine and does things that in the context of cinema are considered romantic, but in real life we call stalking. There are laws against the kind of love this 90 year old man has for this 17 year old girl. And that’s before you even begin to wonder why a 90 year old man who can’t have sex has any interest whatsoever in a 17 year old girl. The film certainly never gives you a reason. I guess maybe he’s just a very immature 90. After all, he keeps going to High School over and over and over again. Inexplicably. As a film it’s paced decently enough. Hardwicke is a very competent film maker who knows how to keep the film moving. Unfortunately, she seems to have thrown out everything else she knows about film making in order to appeal to the 13 year old crowd this is targeting. The special effects here are quite simply dogshit that Sci-Fi Channel execs would send back to the drawing board. They border on I-can’t-believe-I-paid-to-see-this ludicrous and occasionally make you wonder which setting on VIDEO TOASTER they used to achieve them. Then there are moments that caused even the “we paid to see it midnight the night before it opens” crowd to laugh out loud. Here was a crowd itching to love it that laughed at just how over the top it was. Just wait for the moment the diamond skin effect happens and let the sheer silliness of it wash over you. Keep a straight face. I dare you. But worst of all, Hardwicke made the completely insane choice of using narration that I can only assume comes from the book. Now I’m not one of those guys who thinks narration is a tool for only weak writers and film makers, but there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough. Twilight is that moment. It is not a film that needed narration. It ain’t high art. And the emotions this thing is wrestling with are far from complicated. But there are times when the narration is explaining things that can clearly be seen on screen in front of you, because, well, fuck nuance. The film clearly thinks its audience needs to have an explanation of what’s going on right in front of their eyes, to be spoon fed the murky depths of teenage romance. Which told me right away that I was not the audience for this movie. And odds are, if you are reading this now, neither are you. Oh, and just wait for the “subtle” gags about the native American tribe that lives in the area. Gee. I wonder which White Wolf game I saw their storyline in…back in 1995. Twilight certainly isn’t unwatchable. There’s a guilty pleasure aspect to it that I fully understand. As a red blooded American boy who grew up on crap action, I certainly get the desire for youth geared crap romance. And that’s what this is. This isn’t a GOOD movie. It’s a movie you can like despite itself. That is if you try not to think too hard about it. Unfortunately for me I thought too much about it and have slowly begun to hate the thing more and more the further I get away from it. If you’re one of those people who thinks you’re going to hate Twilight going in, you probably will. I tried to like it, but there’s just so little here for me to like. I never thought I’d see a vampire movie that would make me pine for the old Fox TV show Kindred: The Embraced, but here it is. Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm
Okay, here’s a question. If they’re not REALLY vampires, why the hell is it called TWILIGHT???



Readers Talkback
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  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:32 a.m. CST

    "The Zima of Undead Filmaking"! CLASSIC!

    by conspiracy

    That one phrase could be the entire review of this entire series! Salute good sir!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:33 a.m. CST

    Oh God!

    by NeilF

    Shit Girl tomorrow!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:33 a.m. CST

    Busy Friday morning?

    by Jonesey1111

    Chill out on the posts, guys...I can't keep up...

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:39 a.m. CST

    Mmmmmmyeah...

    by Mosquito March

    I think I'll just re-watch TRUE BLOOD this weekend.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:39 a.m. CST

    I saw this during a sneak peek and..

    by Karl Childers

    I felt like I needed to take a steaming hot shower afterwards and wash out my eyeballs with Chlorox. Can't these women and girls just stay home and watch Lifetime or Disney channels instead so any future sequels go the DTV route? I never thought I'd find myself rooting for BOLT to top the box office this coming weekend.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:48 a.m. CST

    i was like Max Cady..

    by nolan bautista

    ..while watching all the girls in line..yes sir counselor..

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:52 a.m. CST

    Exactly...Harlequin Romance Vampire Mish-mash

    by Shub-Wankalot

    And the young femme teen geeks shall flock to it, rejoicing, celebrating, and swooning all things Edwardian. A fad that they'll look back on and realize that they were truly geeky...s'alright...

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Um....

    by The Addict

    Massawyrm, your reviews make me want to see movies I know I'll hate just so I can laugh at them. Damn you for making the ridiculous seem entertaining.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Thank fuck

    by Lost Jarv

    Faith in AICN slightly restored.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Blech . . . I tried to warn everyone . . .

    by Chris

    Did anyone else see this coming a mile away? Never even heard of the TWILIGHT books till I saw this trailer. It looked like shite and I was ready to forget about this forgetable movie then, but my roommate then told me what a "worldwide hit" the books were even though the only person to read them was our emotionally retarded female friend who is 25 but thinks she's 16 . . . and she all the books in secret . . . in 4 days . . . twice. My thought is this: if you're target audience is ashamed of reading your books to the point that they do it in secret, there's something wrong with your product. And I just figured the movie would be even worse. So please, ladies and gentleman, can't we just skip all the bullshit and go straight to the part where we forget about this movie and only bring it up to laugh at its rediculousness . . . like Judge Dredd . . .

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:05 a.m. CST

    wow

    by Chris

    sorry about the typos. I'm still very hung over and haven't had coffee. And my shit is sore from playing Whack-a-Mole with yo moms all night! ZING!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:17 a.m. CST

    Another honest review.

    by V'Shael

    It seems like the studios only pay off the Ginger Wonder himself.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:20 a.m. CST

    I had a free pass to see this last night,

    by Dr Gregory House

    but I stayed home and plucked out my nutsack hairs one by one with tweezers instead

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:28 a.m. CST

    It's garbage

    by I am_NOTREAL

    The books are as unreadable as "The DaVinci Code" and yet just as popular, if not moreso. Some phenomena make me sad. But it's a low common denominator out there. These flicks will clean up at the box office and then everyone can go on with their lives. The textbook definition of disposable culture.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:29 a.m. CST

    vampires are lame anyway

    by BMacSmith

    kill this fucking subgenre!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:31 a.m. CST

    as someone who read all four books, I'll say...

    by Magic Rat

    That you pretty much nailed this movie. It looks like it was made for less than what it costs for one episode of True Blood - oh, and speaking of True Blood, you might not know it, but that book came out 10 years before the Twilight series and is basically a note-for-note copy. <br> <br> Female character who's pyschic falls for a vampire - True Blood. <br> Female charactacter falls for a vampire who is pyschic - Twilight. <br> <br> Side character who pines for female lead is a shape-shifting dog - True Blood. <br> Side character who pines for female lead is shape-shifting werewolf - Twilight. <br> <br> Clan of evil vampires wants to take female lead away from male vampire - True Blood. <br> Clan of evil campires wants to take female lead away from male vampire - Twilight. <br> <br> Female lead gets bitten by male lead - True Blood. <br> Female lead gets bitten by male lead - Twilight. <br> <br> Female lead is strong, independent woman - True Blood. <br> Female lead is strong, independent woman - Twilight. <br> <br> I will say, however, in defense of Twilight, there is more actual action in the second and third books, so when your girlfriend drags you to them in a year or two, you'll at least see the following --- <br> <br> A super-old vampire clan in Italy who have some pretty cool special abilities and live in a temple that's a tourist attraction and occasionally pick off the random tourist to eat. <br> In the third book the female evil vampire from this movie comes back and turns regular people into vampires and forms a newborn vampire army and set them out to destroy the Cullens and a big fight happens. <br> <br> I would be lying, though, if I said either scenario actually leads to anything dramatic. Nobody ends up dying in either scenario.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:33 a.m. CST

    oh, and fair warning to any guys who get dragged to this

    by Magic Rat

    your girlfriend WILL be bugging you to "be more like Edward" for about the next three years.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:36 a.m. CST

    STOP POSTING ON THESE FUCKING TWILIGHT TB'S!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:38 a.m. CST

    What is the deal with vampires and mirror?

    by jim

    Is it that they can't see their own reflection? Or is it that they don't have a reflection? Why is that? I mean, if you can see a vampire, wouldn't the same laws of physics apply to a reflection in a mirror?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:39 a.m. CST

    Massawyrm, best reviewer on the site

    by Slippy

    Loved the intro brotha. That is why I continue to only read your reviews.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:41 a.m. CST

    So they want to eat flesh instead of drink blood?

    by Eyegore

    This reviewer said that twice in the review. Is he just talking shit, or are these really flesh eating pseudo- ghoul vampire wannabees? Someone please clarify.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:57 a.m. CST

    You'd be surprised how Bond

    by T 1000 xp professional

    resonates with the female crowd. He's a man's man and that type of man is a woman's man. The guys in this movie appeal to those who still have "crushes"....The current teeny bopper phenom happening with this movie is making me shy away from i, because I don't know it's just safer that way. I'll skip this one.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:05 a.m. CST

    they drink blood

    by Magic Rat

    they just don't have fangs. they don't need to, since they can just rip a chunk of flesh out and drink from that. <br> <br> also, to kill a vampire they have to rip it apart piece by piece and then burn the body parts.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Yeah, Now THAT'S what I'm talking about !!!!

    by PTSDPete

    Can't let their evil ' Mormon Sparkle Magic ' keep us down, y'all ! "I knew you before you were born and now we can be a proper family for eternity" . HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!! That. Cults SUCK.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:08 a.m. CST

    Wait... Twilight sucked?? SAY IT AIN'T SO!!

    by LargoJr

    Good freaking Lord... the fact that anyone is surprised leaves me stunned. At least I still have my heavily viewed DVD of Legosi's Dracula.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:11 a.m. CST

    Joseph Smith Jr. Porn for Tweens :

    by PTSDPete

    It's what this ex-LDS person suggests : http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html. Incendiary stuff. Special thanks to Mr. Lost Jarv. Creepy-poo-ka-ka dumb and shit.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:14 a.m. CST

    MORMON PROPAGANDA...

    by LORDRANDO

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:16 a.m. CST

    Change the name of the site...

    by LORDRANDO

    Because Harry has lost all ability to judge cool if he saw this shit and liked it. It looks like made for TNT tripe to me. And I hate the books more than I hate Harry Potter. And i work in a bookstore. So anything a soccermom and a 10 year old girl like is not for me. Sorry.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:18 a.m. CST

    I don't think that fucking with the myth is inherently wrong...

    by PumpyMcAss

    Yes, there is a line and it agree that this movie crosses it. But the Joe Pitt novels by Charlie Huston has a very different myth and is more badass than anything ever written. The vampires are infected by a virus and it makes them turn into a big nasty cancerous blob when exposed to sunlight for more than a couple minutes. They need about a pint of human blood per week but if they get more than they are ridiculously strong and fast. How much blood they drink determines how good their senses and strenghts are at a given time. They don't have fangs and are basically just pale people. They can only die if their head is cut off or their heart is blown away because blood heals everything over time. So by making it more sci-fi I think Huston has made a pretty interesting myth. Then again, there is one more book to go so maybe it will get a little more supernatural-ly soon enough...

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:24 a.m. CST

    "...immature pre-teen sense of the word..."

    by onezeroone

    So, does that mean Harry Knowlses is an immature pre-teen romantic?? coz he obviouisly dug this movie big time.<p> Thankfully, when my girlfriend saw this trailer she had same expression she has when I forget to flush the morning after dinner of beans and beer.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Now, in all fairness...

    by Raymar

    1) Sunlight as a weakness only began with Nosferatu. 2) If you did become a vampire as a teenager and never got older (ie: your brain development never finished ) you couldn't be considered a pedophile, no matter how long you'd been around. I think.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:34 a.m. CST

    What's Next? A Pan of High School Musical 3?

    by A-COD

    Of course you don't like it, it's not for you, it's for chicks. Newsflash: My Little Pony isn't a fun toy.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:36 a.m. CST

    Mormon-"Good Vampire" Connection

    by Aquatarkusman

    So, resisting human blood is like resisting caffeine, drugs, rational thought, and not working to curtail the liberties of others?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:39 a.m. CST

    My Friend Pete Has Similar Thoughts To Mass...

    by Aquatarkusman

    "The release of “Twilight” achieves two significant objectives; not only has Stephanie Meyer’s ponderous salute to teen abstinence and patriarchal supremacy been given physical form, but it also marks the endgame for what has been a decades-long castration of the vampire genre" http://filmthreat.com/index.php?section=reviews&Id=11361

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:39 a.m. CST

    Thank you

    by Admiral Akwelches

    just thank you.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:49 a.m. CST

    Must've been disconcerting...

    by Kid Z

    ...being surrounded by hundreds of pimply-faced, fat-ass goth chicks!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:58 a.m. CST

    Nice reference - Video Toaster

    by Marillion

    I wonder how many readers got that...<p> When I was in broadcast school, VT was "The SHIT"... Sad, or maybe really cool, that I can produce better graphics on my little laptop here these days...

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:05 p.m. CST

    Let the Right One In

    by Arollsroyce

    1. It is extremely sad that Twilight is being seen by millions and Let the Right One In will be seen by hardly anyone. Pitch perfect vampire movie. 2. I hated the depiction of Vampires in this movie. I kept asking my girlfriend before if they were effected by sun, how they could be killed, etc. and each answer was different from what a real frickin' vampire is!!! But I could tell her that... cause she gets real defensive about those twilight goobers.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:05 p.m. CST

    Aquatarkusman

    by Lost Jarv

    "The release of “Twilight” achieves two significant objectives; not only has Stephanie Meyer’s ponderous salute to teen abstinence and patriarchal supremacy been given physical form, but it also marks the endgame for what has been a decades-long castration of the vampire genre" <P>Brilliantly put.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:16 p.m. CST

    I liked Zima....

    by Loosejerk

    but then again, I'm a pussy.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:20 p.m. CST

    Question :

    by PTSDPete

    If, as it so appears, the vampires are made to stand in for the Mormons, is it because of the fact that : a. ) they're utterly demonic, satanic creatures, or that b. ) they SUCK ?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:31 p.m. CST

    Like your avatar, Massa

    by psychedelic

    Hate and More Hate. Nice. Consider keeping this one around.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:33 p.m. CST

    I LIVE NEXT TO THE FILMS LOCAL

    by uberman

    Forks, Wa, the buthole of the pacific northwest. Home of constant rain, broken down houses, tons of old trailors and a struggling logging industry. I live 1 hour away in Port Angeles and TWILIGHT: THE MOVIE!!! has been on the friggin Front Page for a week. We have people moving here from Las Vegas so they can be closer to the mythos of the books. The lines for TWILIGHT at the old downtown theater stretched on all night in what was a monsoon of rain-the heaviest all winter. All I'll ever see of it is the previews, and those look like a bad episode of 'HEROS'. I like my vampires cold blooded.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:33 p.m. CST

    straight out mormon fantasy

    by bacci40

    if i was a 90 year old who still looked like a teen, and could get any girl i wanted, but couldnt have sex...i would blow my fuckin brains out....end of movie....but girls love this shit cuz this is their fantasy...dating a vampire eunich...

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:43 p.m. CST

    Part of the Problem

    by psychedelic

    Semi-off-topic but...There's a theatre near me with 14 screens. But because Bond and Twilight are on so many they're only showing 6 movies. Gee, and we wonder why Let The Right One In--they waaaay better vampire movie--gets only a fraction of the audience Twilight does.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:46 p.m. CST

    MUCH BETTER!

    by NEUR0M4NCER

    Massawyrm, you need to have a long talk with Harry.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:14 p.m. CST

    Night trumps Twilight

    by SpikeTBB

    I'd love to see the vampire from 30 Days of night stroll into this movie from out of the dark and slaughter everyone, including these whiny emo Notferatus. .

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:16 p.m. CST

    Less disturbing than Let The Right One In

    by sloanist

    So he's a 90-year-old dude trolling for 17-year-old girl? Better than a 200-year-old dude trolling for a 12-year-old dude.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:23 p.m. CST

    what i want to know is:

    by alice 13

    who is the vampires left handed reliever in the bullpen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:24 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm meet Harry Knowles...

    by My Mom Is A Whore

    ..now, I want you two to discuss what the "cool" in Aint It Cool stands for. And hey, Massa, I better not see any punches flying when this movie comes up, okay?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:32 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm was arrested for sneaking into someone's room...

    by Leafar the Lost

    ...at night? I quote, "And let’s live for a moment in a cinematic world in which a guy who sneaks into your room at night to watch you sleep is considered romantic rather than extraordinarily creepy. Shit, last time I tried that all I got was a face full of pepper spray, a restraining order and a month in the pokey." From this, I must conclude that Massawyrm is admitting that he was arrested for sneaking into a girl's room to watch her sleep, and he spent a month in jail for it. Every review that Massawyrm writes brings us closer to the truth, and that will be much scarier that some gay ass Mormon vampire movie. There is no doubt that Twilight is really about Mormonism, which is more of a cult than a religion. Replace the world "vampire" with "Mormon" and you will see what the book and movie is really about. I loath the Mormon religion for many reasons, but the number one reason are those idiot missionary boys that they send to your house to try to convert you. It isn't about saving your soul; it is about signing you up so the Mormons can get your weekly 10% donation.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:35 p.m. CST

    hahahaha

    by DeadPanWalking

    This review is awesome. Kudos! Bravo! Well played!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Also...

    by DeadPanWalking

    ... the only good thing about this movie that I can think of is it may call attention to just how superior and fantastic Let the Right One In is. I've been to the Angelika 3 times already and still haven't been able to get a seat. I'm glad it's doing well, at lease in New York, anyway. They should give it a wider release and market it as similar to Twighlight. A little payback for all the false marketing we've seen for crappy movies.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:48 p.m. CST

    narration is for the weak

    by Spandau Belly

    I think Trainspotting might be the one film where it really added something. There's other movies I like that use it a bit, like Terminator 2 and Braveheart, but even in those cases I don't think they really needed it.<br><br>For the most part if you've got actors, sound, imagery, motion, and you still need to tell the audience point blank what's going on, then you are a bad filmmaker.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:50 p.m. CST

    I'm so bored with vampires.

    by odysseus

    Seriously. Where are the new monsters?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Great review Massa

    by Magic01273

    Completely dig this review and not because it was overall bad - because it was funny, articulate, genuine and because, despite being overall bad, I buy the positive notes you took time to include. I just read Harry's review. I always feel compelled to read what Harry writes, and I gotta say; I think its because there is a teeny-tiny bit of self-harmer in me just dying to get out. They are soO terrible. His reviews are poorly written, cliche'd rubbish - and worst of all, they are clearly paid for. Ironically - I am more likely watch this movie one day on the basis of this shitty review, than I would be on the basis of Harry's. Nice one Massa. Harry.....well...sorry dude. Could I ask that you stick to some light AICN "office duties" in future and leave the journalism to the pros. Thanks for starting this site and everything but really... I think you're done here.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Well apparently someone here still has some balls

    by dr sauch

    *Cough* HARRY IS GAY *cough*

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:54 p.m. CST

    This is all Anne Rice's fault

    by jccalhoun

    I want to invent a time machine just so I can go back and prevent Rice from inventing the emo vampire. <br><br>While inherently inferior to zombies at least Vampires pre-rice were evil and not sad naval gazers...

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST

    This review made want to see it.

    by InstantClassic

    Not to sit and watch it obviously, but to sit and goof on the insanity of it all.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:07 p.m. CST

    Let the Right One In - overrated

    by Eyegore

    It's okay, and has some memorable scenes, but any given episode of True Blood is more entertaining. Don't get your hopes up too far. It's just okay.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:11 p.m. CST

    jccalhoun

    by Reckoner

    It's not Anne Rice's fault; It's Stephanie Meyer's fault for trying to emulate Rice and making a half-ass teenage love story mixed in. Rice's books were well-written, intelligent character studies with very entertaining storylines. This Twilight stuff might be entertaining to millions, but it seems like teeny-bopper BS to me.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:12 p.m. CST

    Eyegore

    by onaps6453

    I am going to offend you on purpose...and here we go in 3...2...1... True blood might be the most overrated show on television.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:13 p.m. CST

    Eyegore

    by onaps6453

    That wasn't nearly as offensive as what i originally wrote...but i didn't feel like being an asshole today. You are entitled to your opinion and blah blah blah. I'll go put my balls back in my jar now. Thanks.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:14 p.m. CST

    >:o/

    by frozen01

    Anne Rice also created LeStat, so stop your bitching. <br>The prostitute scene in Interview makes up for all emo-ness :)

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:14 p.m. CST

    Saw this last night with my cousin

    by RokurGepta

    I watched a midnight screening of Twilight last night in Westlake Village, CA and the entire theater was in laughter for most of the film. This movie is so hilarious, I am almost positive it is supposed to be comical.... <p> no movie this bad ever deserves to have a midnight screening.......

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:15 p.m. CST

    Vampie requirement:

    by The Eskimo

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:19 p.m. CST

    Vampire Requirements:

    by The Eskimo

    <p>Immortal and need blood to survive.</p><p>Everything else, in my opinion is up for interpretation. Mirrors, super strength and speed, garlic, crosses, EVEN sunlight (though that is pushing it a bit) can be added or deleted by the story teller.</p><p>So this is why I don't have a problem with the creatures in Twilight being referred to as vampires.</p><p>Will not be seeing this movie anyway.</P>

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:20 p.m. CST

    Twilight admission is tax deductable...

    by Quake II

    It's the same as any donation/charity work. Just claim it on you taxes next year. But the time you spent watching this 'tween drivel will never return. Sorry. Kristen Stewart was stunningly hot on Letterman last night. In the movie clips however, she looks plain and dull...Makes sense I guess.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:26 p.m. CST

    sorry, Buffy still rules

    by oisin5199

    still the only show that can do romantic vampire stuff while still being self-aware enough to know how ridiculous that concept is. Twilight, Moonlight, True Blood, they just don't get it.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:26 p.m. CST

    kindred the embraced was based on vampire...

    by Warcraft

    the masquerade right? I effing loved that show!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:28 p.m. CST

    Oh and by the way Massa...

    by The Eskimo

    <p>I always enjoy your reviews but I have to take issue with the Anne Rice jab. I for one thing she had a very cool take on mythos, and thoroughly enjoyed the Chronicles (though they could tend to be a little homo-erotic at times, which was weird, but that aside...).</p><p>Anyway, I know I am not the only person on this talk back with some Anne Rice love!</p>

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:29 p.m. CST

    Spandau Belly - You didn't mention Scorsese

    by Mosquito March

    Martin Scorsese uses narration extremely well in his films. For the most part, he utilizes it when he's doing a film about a time and place - like GOODFELLAS or GANGS OF NEW YORK - more than a character study. But, Travis Bickle's inner monologue in TAXI DRIVER was essential in understanding a character who barely interacts with society.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:29 p.m. CST

    Brigid Brannagh played on kindred. she's sooo hot!

    by Warcraft

    yeah baby yeah!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Is this the birth of the true Girl Geek?

    by MrD

    Sure, there are Geek Girls out there now, but they typically fall in love with something that otherwise appeals to a largely XY audience (Star Trek, Dr. Who, comics, etc) or to both sexes (Buffy). I can't ever recall such a distinctly feminine strain of geek before.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:54 p.m. CST

    So, how is this not a rip off of True Blood?

    by fanboy71

    What year did the Twilight books first hit shelves?? The Sookie Stackhouse books began in 2001, and are about a girl that can read minds and falls in love with a vampire. Am I wrong? Did the Twilight series come first?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:07 p.m. CST

    MrD

    by The Eskimo

    I would say that SATC was a particularly potent strain of female fandom. One big reason I had to pink slip a girlfriend back in the day was her penchant for talking/gushing about the most recent episode to the point that it drove me fucking nutty Course she hated Lost too, so she already had one foot out the door.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:11 p.m. CST

    It's okay guys...

    by sonnyfern

    We only have to put up with 3 more movies... ... GAH!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:22 p.m. CST

    Holy fucking ass crackers

    by TOGSolid

    I don't think I've laughed that hard at a review before. Great one Massa, now if only we could get some sort of odevious Twilight trolling campaign going to make all those pathetic 13 year old girls cry ala the infamous Snape Killed Dumbledore bit.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:23 p.m. CST

    Does anyone get "sex fantasy"?

    by cookylamoo

    That in a fantasy a woman might want to get raped by a motorcycle gang and at the same time not want it to happen in real life?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:25 p.m. CST

    Damn the lack of an edit button!

    by TOGSolid

    *devious

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:30 p.m. CST

    cooky

    by The Eskimo

    I don't follow.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:31 p.m. CST

    Trying to think...

    by The Eskimo

    ...of a fantasy I've had that I don't want to happen in real life. Got nothing...

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:37 p.m. CST

    Ever had the one...

    by The Eskimo

    ...about those work crews of female inmates planting bushes or whatever on the side of the road in their green and white striped outfits. Getting raped by a mess of them is something I WOULD like to happen in real life...yowza!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:43 p.m. CST

    I think I'm an energy vampire...

    by Alkeoholic77

    per se

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:50 p.m. CST

    He's Not 90 Years Old

    by Freakemovie

    Trust me, I'm the last one who wants to be defending Twilight mania. But he's a 17 year old who's been 17 for a long time, not a 90 year old. There IS a difference -- you have ninety years of experience, but you still have a 17-year-old's hormones, aggression, and anxiousness. Just because he has more memories doesn't mean his brain has matured. <br><br> Okay, I'll stop now.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:52 p.m. CST

    Was this what the most recent South Park was based on?

    by Slippy

    Is this what the high school kids are doing? They go to Hot Topic and buy vampire garb? Thank God I graduated high school so long ago. Being white, it was only cool if you played sports, wear your pants below the crack of your ass, wear African symbols, sport nice fades in your hair, and use Ebonics to talk to everyone.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:58 p.m. CST

    Eskimo

    by MrD

    I'm assumin SATC is Sex and the City? In that case it definately qualifies for femme fandom, but I wouldn't put it into geek territory any more than I would Friday Night Lights. Hell, we've seen women flock to soaps for decades, and when it comes to teen girls... they do everything in droves. I have to say I laughed at my wife when she first asked about Twilight. I told her it was some hot new vampire series that teen girls were into (I'm a HS teacher, and the school was flooded with Twilight wear today). When a friend loaned her a book to read, she complained at length. It's not scary or sexy. Its all fawining romance, to which I could only reply, repeatedly, "What part of 'teenage girls'" didn't you understand?"

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:02 p.m. CST

    Not that you need my approval, Massawyrm

    by NeoMyers

    ...but I have gone from hating your reviews to absolutely looking forward to them. "The Zima" remark is just one of the reasons why. Kudos and keep it up.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Looks like The Covenant

    by Drath

    ie, bad in a way that I haven't seen since the days of schlocky 80s horror movies. But I appreciate the "let them have their shit too" attitude about it. I told two female coworkers how cheap I thought it looked and they gave me a look as if to ask "did you just say you eat dogs?" These women are in their twenties, so clearly the appeal isn't just 13-year-olds--much like the crap that guys watch.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:21 p.m. CST

    Have never been with a chick that didn't want sex at all...

    by Han Cholo

    Hell, the girls I've fucked wanted sex more than me. Girls in general enjoy sex more than guys, it's a proven fact. So when a vampire can't get it up for the girl, what else is there? Yeah sure there's talking but it gets old after a while. Making out doesn't cut it either. Bottom line, there is no romance if there's no fuck. Girls and guys agree. This is all tween bullshit.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:52 p.m. CST

    Kindred: The Embraced

    by Playhouse

    Never caught the show when it was first run. Sci-Fi had a marathon of it a few months back. I recorded it on my DVR because I had other things to do. I decided one day to sit down and watch it and couldn't get through the first episode. Turned it off and deleted the entire run. C. Thomas Howell apparently has never heard of nuance either.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5 p.m. CST

    Yeah but Stacy Haiduk was hotter than fuck in Kindred

    by Han Cholo

    That was pretty much the only good thing on the show.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:08 p.m. CST

    why did you pay to see this

    by JimmyJoe RedSky

    seriously - was "beverly hills chihuahua" sold out?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:34 p.m. CST

    Loved the White Wolf References in this review.

    by MrGonev5

    I still play World of Darkness(and I make character sheets for the games) so I loved seeing the White Wolf references in this review. I'll be sterring clear of this movie, doesn't sound like its for me.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:33 p.m. CST

    This review makes the movie redundant!

    by Knugen

    "What makes them different again? OH! RIGHT! Their overwhelming desire to eat human flesh. That doesn’t make you a vampire. That just makes you mentally unstable. Isn’t that romantic?" - upvote :)

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:37 p.m. CST

    The whole "permanently 17" thing!!

    by pdennett316

    I preferred the take of Rice with the little girl vampire in that her emotions and mind got older while her body remained frozen - a source of great torment for her. <p> He may have the brain of a 17 year old, but he'll still be able to learn new things and have a wealth of experience and knowledge that the average human could not hope to absorb. While I'm sure 'hormones' would kick in from time to time, surely his sheer length of time on the planet would allow his mind to mature at least? <p> It makes more sense than to somehow buy that he cannot possibly 'grow' in a maturity sense despite his chronological age. <p> Anyway, too much time wasted on this vapid drizzling shit already...it will suck, but girls deserve their geek movies too.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:08 p.m. CST

    It's ludicrous that a girl as pretty as that actress

    by Dingbatty

    would ever be an "outsider."<p>And, the Quileute Indians of that area around La Push in Washington State consider themselves descended from shapeshifting wolves, and skinwalkers figure prominently in their folklore, so it is blatant cultural bigotry to make them the villains.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:23 p.m. CST

    wow

    by geraldbeans

    That review said everything that I expected the movie to be. To the 't'!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:24 p.m. CST

    Also re: The whole "permanently 17" thing!!

    by Geekgasm

    You folks are acting like 17 is childhood. Go back 150 years or so, and 17 year old males were husbands, fathers of young children, suporting families - in other words, they were MEN of necessity - not the coddled, pampered, whiny little man-boys of today.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:32 p.m. CST

    Bella isn't independent

    by password.swordfish

    At least she wasn't in the books. She was completely and utterly dependent on Edward. It's so bad that [spoiler alert, if anybody cares] when he decides to leave her "for her own good" (yawn), she only doesn't kill herself because he tells her not to. Yeah, whoop whoop female empowerment. I'm a chick, and I couldn't get through the series if you paid me. I read the first two books because a friend lent them to me and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But this is not good romance - it's schlock. The relationship is so pedestrian it could have been conceived by a 12 year old - love at first sight, can't live without the other, together forever (gag). As most women, I like a good romance, but I hate being pandered to, and I hate the false ideal of what love is. If I want my vampire/human fix, I'll rewatch Buffy and at least there'll be complexity and depth to the relationship.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:40 p.m. CST

    But how does this compare to BRATZ: THE MOVIE?!?

    by John Maddening

    Inquiring minds want to know!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:48 p.m. CST

    if this is zima, and dracula is scotch...

    by pikagreg

    does that make "the lost boys" the bud light of vampire movies? you know, kind of white trash and bitter?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:48 p.m. CST

    Raymar...

    by password.swordfish

    Are you sure Stoker didn't have the sunlight rule? I read it so long ago, I can't remember, but it seemed to me that the action was nightly and they couldn't go out during the day (which is why he needed Renfield). Not sure, just wondering if anyone else remembers.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 8:13 p.m. CST

    The Zima and Scoth analogy was brilliant

    by Charlie_Allnut

    Nice review.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 8:28 p.m. CST

    A much BETTER vampire series is...

    by shartron

    the Joe Pitt vampire/detective novels by Charlie Huston. Great reading for adults and not for teenyboppers. Already Dead is the first in the four novel series. I'm on the third right now. Good stuff!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 8:34 p.m. CST

    Clearing some things up for you Massawyrm

    by wallygogo

    Edward can in fact have sex. Sex for vampires is described in the later books as a highly pleasurable experience, second only to drinking human blood. He chooses NOT to have sex with Bella because he is afraid he will lose control and kill her. Second, the reason it is called Twilight is explained by Edward in the book but it's left out of the film. Edward describes Twilight as his favorite time of the day. The time when it's safest for vampires, also Twilight is the beginning of night (when the moon comes out) and the end of day, just like the book Twilight describes the end of Bella's normal life and the beggining of her life with Edward

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 8:48 p.m. CST

    saw Stewart on letterman....

    by red1701

    and she came across as a bitch (i fast forward my DVR to the Guns n Roses cover band) for the love of god she's the little asexual kid from "Panic Room?!"...this movie just looks like a teenage girl's wet dream...i hope to god Bolt and 007 give it a run for its money.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:08 p.m. CST

    password.swordfish

    by Dingbatty

    There are scenes in the book in which Dracula is seen during the day:<p>http://tinyurl.com/5jm3rh

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:36 p.m. CST

    I'm confused...

    by arizonahotrock

    SO, in Twilight there is a "sexy" Vampire dude who is attracted to a girl because he can't read her mind. In True Blood there is a "sexy" waitress who is attracted to a vampire dude because she can't read his mind...

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:14 p.m. CST

    Superior, grown-up love stories include...

    by crankyoldguy

    Farscape- John and Aeryn - now there's a romance far greater than Twilight's teens at juvenile play Buffy - Buffy and Angel, Buffy and Spike - take your pick. And the list goes on.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:21 p.m. CST

    So, what drink is Underworld?

    by ebonic_plague

    I'd have to say a Jaeger-bomb sounds about right.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:24 p.m. CST

    or red bull and vodka?

    by crankyoldguy

    which tastes like ass as do all "energy drinks," with or without the booze. gimme a single malt any day and a drawing room discussion with the Peter Cushingl Van Helsing

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:26 p.m. CST

    Buffy/Angel is a good human/vamp romance...

    by ebonic_plague

    ...but seriously, people... that Buffy/Spike shit was just bad slash fanfic, and you all know it. I don't see how Twilight could possibly be any worse than that.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Great review

    by cookiemunstahh

    Greatest. Review. Ever. Laughed the whole way through! I'm a youngish female (21) and I do love my romances, even the cheesy tongue-in-cheek ones (and even other vampire ones... lol at True Blood), but I have to admit Twilight, both film and book, are utter crap. Reading/watching it I must have rolled my eyes at least once per page/scene. But yeah. LOVE your review. Posting on facebook as we speak!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:35 p.m. CST

    Massa's issues with it being "Vampires"

    by crankyoldguy

    are the same as mine. I called bullshit. wife got pissed. She's at it again on a girls night out while I'm hanging at our house with another dad and his kids with our boy (We just watched Brave and the Bold, very silver age, great for young kids). Massa's so right on you can only fuck with Vampire lore so much and then they are NOT VAMPIRES. Just call them something else, sell a zillion copies to women who want to buy into the fantasy and be done with it.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:37 p.m. CST

    cookiemunstahh...

    by crankyoldguy

    wanna explain to my wife that it's okay for me to think it's a load of crap while she loves it? Hell, we loved Buffy and Angel shows together, Farscape, and even Moonlight, however flawed (even that romance and vampire treatment was more adult)

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:39 p.m. CST

    Barnabas Collins owns all their asses

    by crankyoldguy

    for tragedy. End of story.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:05 p.m. CST

    My problem with it

    by Adelai Niska

    is that this book/movie is EXACTLY what I would write if I was asked to write the most jaded, cynical version of "shit that teen girls would like." It's basically every possible teen-girl cliche shamelessly thrown together. At least Buffy had the decency to turn Angel into a maniac killer after a while.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:18 p.m. CST

    THIS MIGHT BE WORTH SEEING THIS WEEKEND.....

    by eoneon

    only for the fact that there is a 90% chance of taking home and banging some fat 18-19 year old lonely girls. 100% if you dress goth! i may have to go,as i have a penchant for banging legal teens ;) I like the whole vampire lore stories,but i'll pass on this turd and continue watching True Blood! at least the vampires adhere to certain rules. oh,and there is plenty of steamy sex scenes. you even get to seen Anna Paquin's cans! it started out cheesy,but has become more interesting and serious as of late. fuck this emo tween romance crap!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:24 p.m. CST

    eoneon, bang away my son...

    by crankyoldguy

    but promise as you're leaving them after they've drained your dragon and you're filled up their receptacle, you look over your shoulder and say, "by the way, that movie and the books are garbage." heh heh heh

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:45 p.m. CST

    Saw Let the Right One In when it opened, and tonight Twilight

    by Zeke25:17

    ...and I liked both of them for different reasons and in different ways. Of course, I also liked Magnolia as well as most of Kevin Smith's stuff; and believe that the Matrix sequels are at least as good as the original film...so according to most of the folks who post here, my opinions are not necessarily to be trusted. I'll go one further: Rachel Getting Married, despite all its accolades, is absolute shit; and I can't wait for Anne Hathaway to hurry the hell up and get into porn!...Oh, and I've gotta add this too: the Twilight screening I saw was prefaced by trailers for two movies, "Bride Wars" and "Confessions of a Shopaholic", that in the space of four minutes convinced me their sole purpose was to make all women look like shallow, stupid, screeching harridans that any guy with half a brain would stay the fuck away from. By comparison, believe me, Twilight makes a lot more sense than you might think after reading Massa's admittedly well-written review.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:49 p.m. CST

    hah!

    by crankyoldguy

    "make all women look like shallow, stupid, screeching harridans " That sure sounds like Sex in the City, don't it?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:51 p.m. CST

    and Anne Hathaway is the anti-Lohan

    by crankyoldguy

    talented, prettier, way hotter

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:03 a.m. CST

    Well Said Sir

    by Wrath4771

    Massawyrm gets it - why doesn't Harry?

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:03 a.m. CST

    Loved Hathaway in Get Smart

    by Zeke25:17

    ...but I still want her to start doing leg fetish stuff. Might be nice to have a genuinely talented actress in the adult film industry!

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:06 a.m. CST

    always though Christina Aguilera

    by crankyoldguy

    should try musical porn. You KNOW she's gotta be nastier than Brit-Brit and probably enjoys back-door delivery and swallows, too

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:11 a.m. CST

    BEST REVIEW EVER!

    by Kirbymanly

    I laughed my ass off through the entire read. And hats off to you for mentioning Let The Right One In. Easily the best film I've seen all year.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:13 a.m. CST

    damn typos....tired eyes...

    by crankyoldguy

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 1:25 a.m. CST

    Um...

    by Potch

    I wonder if the reviewer actually watched the movie or went into it with a preconceived notion to hate it. Now, as a fan, I will be rational and say that the movie had it's great points and it's very low points. That's as far as I will go with that. But the reviewer should actually pay attention if he's going to review movies. Where did he get that Edward can't have sex? He chooses not to because he's afraid that the desire to eat Bella will overwhelm him. The going to school thing was explained in the movie, albeit explained much better in the book. I do agree with the reviewer on the special effects. Some were ok, but some were absolutely dreadful. Acting wise, what I liked was that the actors had the essence of their characters down, but I will say that Pattinson had a few really weird moments where I thought... what the heck are you doing???? I've said before that Twilight is not for everyone. I respect the reviwers opinion, although I thought it was overly harsh, and I wish he would have paid more attention and had his facts straight. Just saying.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 1:30 a.m. CST

    Karl

    by Potch

    Your statement about how this should be straight to DVD or on the Disney Channel is quite unfair. If you don't want to see it in the theater, then don't. But why do you have to begrudge us the guilty pleasure of seeing this on the big screen? You guys get all kinds of crappy big blockbuster movies that get sequel after sequel, why can't we have it too?

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 2:16 a.m. CST

    potch...revel in your crap

    by crankyoldguy

    but girlfriends/wives should stop trying to push it on us...okay?

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 2:34 a.m. CST

    Potch

    by Massawyrm 1

    I was paying attention just fine. I never said he can't PHYSICALLY get it up. I said he can't have sex with her - which he can't for the reasons you stated. I said the same thing, just without giving spoilers about why not. I've been told he CAN do it - but you need to read the books for that factoid. The movie gives you no clue about functionality whatsoever aside from "I can't." And the going to school is EXPLAINED and still defies logic. If someone thinks you're too young to be an adult, the answer is homeschool - not going to high school to keep up appearances if you're going to act like a freak the whole time. The movie exists in its own logic that is thin at best. Ludicrous at its worst.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 3:07 a.m. CST

    Best review I've seen yet for this lump of crap at:

    by Iblis_mage

    http://wickedthought.livejournal.com/812313.html

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 3:32 a.m. CST

    Great review Massa

    by Magic01273

    Funny, honest, genuine - overall negative but "fair" about the positives (what there were of them) everything good review should be. I've just come from reading Harry's write up. It was soO bad I feel embarrassed for him. Could we get him to stick to some back office filing or faxing? It was sickening, cliche'd and worst of all paid for (I can only conclude). The irony is; I'm actually more likely to watch this movie (one day) on the basis of this review than I would be based on Harry's. Which speaks volumes about his skill as a journalist. Appreciate Harry would say "I don't write reviews to try to get other people to see the movies I like" but god knows - it does say something serious when his toe curling reviews ensure you would rather masturbate with sandpaper than see the movie you've just read about. Harry - thanks for setting up this site and all but honestly.... I think you're done here...

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 3:40 a.m. CST

    Massa.. re: potch

    by Magic01273

    seriously dude - don't even stoop to it. Potch would have attracted more than enough ridicule without you. He likes the books/film - fine. But it would take more than one of his shaky "explanations" to sell this to anyone. His post gave me more of a laugh than any kind of revelatory re-think of this films intelligence.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 3:46 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I figured as much...

    by brattyben

    I just think it's sad that this is the kind of shill that gets put out. I would hope that even the target audience for this is insulted. Narrating stuff that's on screen. It just proves that the people that put this crap out, have little faith in their audience's intelligence. Sadly, I think the target audience may not know any better since their options are pretty bland. ANd shit like Beverly Hills Chihuahua gets made.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 10:43 a.m. CST

    Dingbatty

    by PTSDPete

    Wow, that's certainly ' news ' to the sparkling Joseph Smith Jr. crowd.....

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 10:54 a.m. CST

    I enjoyed that review Massawyrm

    by DoctorWho?

    I understand it is geared towards teens but a great insight into the insipid material people will lap up and gush over.<p> Also very funny: "His undying, inexplicable love keeps him from killing her. You get it now? You see why the ladies are all about this?..."<p> And I'm REALLY looking forward to LET THE RIGHT ONE IN and I usually steer clear of vampire movies because I find most lame. But this sound VERY compelling. The fact that you say the suits are already looking to dilute it and remake it is lame yet no suprise.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 11:46 a.m. CST

    You think Twilight was bad ?!?!?

    by PTSDPete

    http://tinyurl.com/Brokencyde Now THAT is the fall of humanity !

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:32 p.m. CST

    Flesh eaters again?

    by Eyegore

    Potch said: "Where did he get that Edward can't have sex? He chooses not to because he's afraid that the desire to eat Bella will overwhelm him." ... So are these so-called vampires actually flesh eating ghouls? A straight answer please. Why do people keep saying that these vampires want to eat people like ghouls??

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:35 p.m. CST

    Let's See Stephanie Miller

    by PTSDPete

    Mormonize Transformers . Any takers ? " It's not about 40 foot tall robots beating the utter shit out of each other .... it's all about ' love '. And ' sparkling ' all the way to Joseph Smith Jr. Heaven ... Oh, and they don't ' transform '. They're just ' doin the racist work of beJeebus '. Optimus Prime Smith Jr. : Destroy the Lamanite-Decepticons, chosen descendants of Cybertron ! "

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:35 p.m. CST

    Harpin on Twilight??

    by doogieraz1

    Why you all gotta rail on this original take on vampires? Just because it's not a gore fest and the Meyer's mythos is a never before seen take, you gotta say it's not worthy? geeez, feminine side phobic much?!!! ):

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:37 p.m. CST

    doogieraz1

    by PTSDPete

    No. I like girls. I'm certainly not afraid of them. I just think Twilight is creepily without merit.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 12:40 p.m. CST

    It's like that :

    by PTSDPete

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 1:09 p.m. CST

    This is basically what I was thinking

    by SexyBeast

    Glad someone else put it all into words why I don't like this movie/series. I always get bitch slapped with the "it's for girls" but that doesn't mean it has to be shitty movie.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 1:45 p.m. CST

    So - High School Musical, the vampire years?

    by elab49

    And less of the generalised female wish fulfilment please? - this is for immature tweenies who haven't grown up.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 5:36 p.m. CST

    Open Letter To: Joss Whedon And Sarah Michelle Gellar Prince

    by Media Messiah

    The high box office take of Twilight this weekend, which should tally over a 100 million, should inform you that a new Buffy movie should be mounted as soon as possible. Clearly, most of the themes of Twilight were stolen right from the Buffy mythos...and Fox, Mutant Enemy, et al, are doing nothing to defend their own ground. How do you go about that when you can't copyright an idea??? You show the mass audiences who are flocking to theatres right now, the source material where Twilight came from...by green-lighting a new Buffy movie, immediately. Gellar-Prince is simply holding out for a piece of the Buffy series DVD profits, and I say...give it to her if it means a possible film franchise being born.<BR><BR>Of course, there is an alternative, recast the roles...and start from scratch with a new Buffy, etc., from stem to stern. This could be a billion dollar franchise on par with Harry Potter...and it looks like Twilight is headed in that territory, so why not the originator of this Romeo and Juliet themed Vampire genre, which is Buffy: The Vampire Slayer? Wise up now, or miss out on the big profits that are waiting to be had. It's a win, win situation!!! Sincerely, MM

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 6:15 p.m. CST

    So... they're CANNIBALS?`

    by spud mcspud

    Oh.<P> And I completely dug KINDRED - THE EMBRACED. Even have the pilot movie on video (how retro of me!). But what I don't like is how the makers of BLADE ripped off the idea of a vampire assassination wholesale from the opening scene of KINDRED: THE EMBRACED and didn't give it any recognition whatsoever. A lot of good ideas you see in modern vampire movies appeared in KINDRED...<P> Back to TWILIGHT. Fuck it, I really can't be arsed. DIRTY DANCING with fangs, and no respect for its own mythos.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 8:23 p.m. CST

    Recasting Buffy

    by Shan

    (Ignoring for the moment whether she'd even be interesting of course) ... I always thought Kristen Bell could certainly play Buffy with a high degree of success.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 9:59 p.m. CST

    So, when does Snipes get outta prison?

    by KongMonkey

    Blades gotta kill'em some perverted sparkly members of the High School Vampire Treehouse Club. Twilight...perfect for ugly, lonely chicks with no boyfriends.

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 11:24 p.m. CST

    Being 17 forever

    by Manatee

    While having the experience of a 90-year-old dude sounds like a male fantasy to me! Can you imagine how solid your game would be? Damn!

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 11:30 p.m. CST

    Fucking a 17 yr old is pedophilia? Give me a break!

    by spire_walk

    17 yr olds are considered children whenever it's politically convenient... if a 17 yr old girl consents to sex with a legal adult, then obviously the guy is a pedophile, they say. Save that child from the predator! Then, that same "child" could be brought up on charges of murder and be tried as an adult. <p> The kinda guy that screws a 17 yr old is not the same kind of guy who screws an 8 year old. He may be a creep, but someone who fucks an actual child is something a lot more sinister.

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 12:09 a.m. CST

    Shan, You Know I Agree About Kristen Bell Playing Buffy!!!

    by Media Messiah

    I had that same feeling about her playing Buffy a few years back. Now I don't know if she is too old for the role, or not? I think the studio might aim for someone a bit younger, and a bit more new to the scene...some girl on the verge of being a big break out star in pop culture.

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 8:36 a.m. CST

    Can't Have Been Worse Than HSM3, Could It?

    by Goldfingah

    Yeah, yeah, I know, apples and oranges, with the only connection being the 'tween adoration. I actually plan on seeing it; good or bad reviews will make no difference to me but I'm fascinated by the fact that this movie seemed to come out of nowhere and now stands to be one of the biggest hits of the year. I'll watch it for the same reason I watched "The Blair Witch Project" which is basically unmitigated curiosity.

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 9:43 a.m. CST

    Since i'm not little girl

    by quintana007

    with Zac Efron posters, pink cell phone, who giggles at horse cocks and fears real boys and their sinsiter agenda, i guess i'm not the target audience. :-)

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 12:32 p.m. CST

    Wish I had a saw to hack my arm off

    by Touche_Douche

    Just like waking up with the ugly chick next to you this movie was shockingly bad. Yeah, I paid to see this because I am a vampire movie freak. I have never read the books so was hoping to be pleasantly surprised. Surprise! This movie was ass. Most of the audience were young girls who laughed throughout the whole movie. So since they had so much disrespect for the material who the hell was the target audience? Spot on review!

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 3:54 p.m. CST

    Would vampires have made Final Exam any better?

    by CasperVonSidecar

    I doubt it. But along the lines of so bad it's enjoyable, I was just wondering. Great review buddy.

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 7:59 p.m. CST

    Typical

    by RogueWarrior65

    The clueless kiddies who think this is great literature just because the male lead is OMG soooo cute are typical of people who choose style over substance, charisma over intelligence....kinda like Obama voters.

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 8:15 p.m. CST

    True story...

    by RogueWarrior65

    A couple of black pants, white shirt, black tie-wearing Mormons stopped by my neighbor's house since he was once a Mormon. The guy who lived across the street was a serious born-again Seventh Day Adventist preacher wannabe. So my neighbor's wife said "He's not home but the guy across the street might be interested." The Mormons came back an hour later and said (and I quote) "That guy's crazy."

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 9:13 p.m. CST

    It's for 15-yr-old girls, isn't it?

    by kabong

    Let them have their movie fun.

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 10:55 p.m. CST

    cougars

    by dookiew

    you would think this is for teenage girls...but my wife dragged me to watch this and their were 40 year old women next to me creaming in their pants over Robert Pattinson...

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 11:06 p.m. CST

    Then it was too bad your wife was with you, dookiew.

    by kabong

    You could have volunteered your services. ;)

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 7:16 a.m. CST

    Bullshit!

    by Yelnick McWaWa

    This shit is for the girls who have yet to experience anything close to real love, read Harlequin romance novels and watch "Grey's Anatomy." It's for the women who've not had an orgasm in ten years and hope with all their heart that hubby will get his act together and finally do it.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 8:48 a.m. CST

    70mil!

    by hollygirl

    I am a 47 y.o. educated woman who loves sci-fi and fantasy-all the geeky things guys love--Watchmen,Dark Knight,Lord of the Rings,Star Wars, I could go on and on. However, as a member of the female persuasion I loved these books. Saw the movie and was slightly disappointed as of course no movie can equal its book but it was not terrible. Look, there are movies made for every demographic and bashing this one is useless. If you don't like it don't see it. Let the people who do like it and the books enjoy their entertainment. There is apparently a audience for this "crap" as you call it, as it made a hefty 70mil and the sequel is greenlit. I already know girls and women who have read the books multiple times and some who have already seen the movie more than once. The "Titantic" effect will drive this movie somewhat (of course that movie was better made and directed so it won't get the total Titanic effect plus that movie appealed to slightly larger demos such as most adults and older 50+ folk). As far as having cheesy effects - they only had a 37mil budget! Considering that they managed to pull off a "decent" film - I was more offended by the overacting than the effects! The next book deals with werewolves and a trip to Italy - the vampire character Edward is missing for mostly the whole book - actually it is the most boring book of the four. Hopefully with extra $ they can spend it on the effects they'll need to show phasing of guys into werewolves.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 4:10 a.m. CST

    hey Massawyrm, if you want something cool with vampires

    by The Amazing G

    look no further than Hellsing, the manga and the OVA (the TV series is only ok)

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 4:11 a.m. CST

    but...

    by The Amazing G

    you should still check put the tv series too

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 4:11 a.m. CST

    out I mean

    by The Amazing G