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Harry basks in the TWILIGHT... it is so cool to be in love
A strange thing happened on my way to ridicule my wife’s love for TWILIGHT… I kinda sorta fell a little in love too.
I’m a softy, I admit it. I love romance, be it silly or serious… momentary or eternal. I’m a sucker for stories about people that shouldn’t be together that just… despite the order of the food chain, find a reason to fight their natural instincts and… well… get it on.
So sign me up for BetweenHisDiamondThighs.Com cuz I’m a fan of Catherine Hardwicke’s TWILIGHT. That said, it’s not anywhere near the best Vampire film of the year… that falls to LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, which is… all at once, more romantic and scarier and far better shot. But I like this film.
First off, if your spouse or significant other is dragging you to see TWILIGHT this weekend, you should know… flat out, it’s crushingly romantic. I’ve seen the film twice now, yes – my wife has a problem, but genuinely, I like the film more than she does. She flat out despises Carter Burwell’s 80’s-esque score, and misses a few scenes that were her favorite from the novel, but overall… she does love the movie.
The second most important thing you should know about TWILIGHT is that it really isn’t a VAMPIRE film. There are Vampires. It is a “I fell in love with the nicest Vampire” story – but at the end of the day, this is a ROMANCE movie. If you’re filing it in a video store, it absolutely belongs in romances – the same way that SOMEWHERE IN TIME belongs in ROMANCE. Is it as great a romance as SOMEWHERE IN TIME? No, it’s closer to Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST and TV’s LOIS & CLARK. Actually… that’s not quite right either.
This is much closer to PRETTY IN PINK.
Bella is very much a girl in the Molly Ringwald brand. Nowhere near as eclectic or cool, but a girl that doesn’t necessarily fit in with any of the groups. Kristen Stewart plays Bella as that awesome best friend… the girl that helps her girlfriends hooks up, helps her guy friends find their ideals, but she, herself… she’s alone. She feels she’s like her single father. Someone that feels like she’s best alone. This is something that everyone that loves romance feels. At their core, they love romance, they love the idea of finding someone that can show them a world that they can only dream of from books and movies. But how likely is it that you’ll ever find someone like that?
Edward? Well, honestly he’s not just the Andrew McCarthy character – he has a bit of Jon Cryer’s Duckie in him too. He’s handsome in that precious way – that isn’t he cute, pinch his cheeks kinda way. But as Robert Pattinson plays Edward… a character built to be a dangerously hot version of Mr Darcy… well, he’s very much an all powerful dork. Robert may be the latest heartthrob to strike our unsuspecting world, but he’s absolutely dweebishly handsome and awkward around Bella. He’s fabulously handsome, every girl wants him – but he’s like mercury – slipping through their fingers and a bit poisonous.
Now – you also need to know that the rules of VAMPIRES are completely thrown out the window. This is kinda like Anne Rice – where Stephenie Meyer just took what she liked about vampires – the bloodlust and sucking, and took away all their weaknesses. Sunlight, crosses, stakes in the heart, mirrors, cameras, holy water… that’s all BUSTED as Adam and Jamie would say. Here – Vampires can subsist on a diet of fresh animal blood, but it just isn’t satisfying. But it is better than killing a human life, something that their every instinct compels them to do. Their weakness – the thing they have to fight – is to KILL. That is the sadness of their existence. They’re built to be everything that a human could want, but in turn – a human’s blood is their driven core instinct. To not drink a human’s blood would be like not watching DAILY SHOW & COLBERT Monday through Thursday. Just something nigh impossible to exist without.
I like this take on the story and upon vampires. Most of all – I like Bella and Edward. I love how awkward Edward is around her – and I love the mystery that is Edward to her. I like how I believe the kids in her school and I like the teacher. I like how Bella’s parents are not horribly fucked up individuals, but just good parents that divorced. That all of this isn’t over complicated. It’s a very normal story of girl meets boy, boy is a vampire, boy that’s cool.
Could it be better?
Yes. I was pretty much completely satisfied after the first viewing. I went in thinking that I would probably hate it – and have two to three weeks of my wife hating me. But I found the story disarming and characters genuinely fun to spend time with.
But my second viewing was at a special AUSTIN FILM SOCIETY screening – and director Catherine Hardwicke was there – and the audience made up of TWILIGHT hardcore fans, well after the movie was a Q&A moderated by Richard Linklater. During this Q&A – an audience member asked Catherine how the process of picking what to leave in and what to trim from the 400+ pages of the original novel… well, how did that work?
Well, in Catherine’s answer she revealed a shallowness about the film that I didn’t really catch while watching it. She talked about how she didn’t want to make the film just “talking heads”. As she said this, there was this smirk on Richard Linklater’s face. And the thought hit me, “My god, I can’t believe that Catherine Hardwicke is saying that Talking Heads and Romance is patently uncinematic while standing next to the director of BEFORE SUNRISE and BEFORE SUNSET!”
TWILIGHT is a very sweet and crushingly romantic film, but it’s a lite romantic movie. I guarantee that fans of the book won’t LOVE the movie like they did the book. The reason? Because Hardwicke and the producers of this film didn’t trust in the conversations and the expressions of the characters thoughts. Sure, the movie is 2 hours long and to add in the substance of all those conversations. To do more than just the common cheap exchanging of glances and the hanging out in treetops and saving her from certain death… that takes real courage and real understanding of love.
But that’s why TWILIGHT is simply a good Romantic film, whilst Linklater’s BEFORE SUNSET and BEFORE SUNRISE are amongst the greatest Romantic films. Those TALKING HEAD scenes in CASABLANCA really killed it, didn’t they?
The surprise of TWILIGHT though is it isn’t vapid. There’s an honest and real spark between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson – and the other actors all show a great deal of charisma as well. This is a very very strong cast. You will notice them in other films. And for many of them, this is where they started off.
As for me, I look forward to TWILIGHT 2: BREAK OUT THE FUR IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE.
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when it was called True Blood
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But you know you're about to get blasted so hard now.
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How could you, Harry? lol
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Puss-E-whipped!
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...a quiet night in on bluray. i'll prob check it out. trusting you here H!
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When it was called random vampire TV/Book/Movie where the only common theme is just the vampire aspect and the romance.
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from afar.
(i loved the books) -
Ever since he got married he's loved every film. Or could it be that he gets paid for loving every film. How could you find such satisfaction from a cheap draw for 13 yr old girls?
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Nov 21, 2008 12:44:16 AM CST
Harry you HAVE to know how fucking dumb this review is
by industrykiller!
You are so clearly biased there was absolutely no way this film could have failed you and when you get to that point it's time to let others take over in the write ups. Moreover you are reverting to that bad habit of your of projecting onto the characters what you want to see. People don't dislike Twilight because it's romantic, they dislike it because it's cliche and undeserving if its zeitgeist status. If EVERYONE has to hear about a pop culture this or that it should be of inarguable quality. Unfortunately thats never the case.
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We all saw this coming. Like you WEREN'T going to love this nonsense...
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stayed at home with our son. I did read the book this week to make her happy and kept putting it down to read other things, it was so wretched for my aesthetics. But I'm sure you're right Harry about the romance thing over vampire theme. But I'd rather watch a Lois and Clark or read Peter David's 'Imzadi' or watched my wife's Buffy DVD collection. Even the cancelled Moonlight had more depth than this stuff. She wants to drag me to see it and I just know I'll squirm and hate the thing. And I do like a lot of romantic comedies (the original Sabrina and even the fair remake and One From the Heart come to mind for me, among others) or romantic tragedies (Immortal Beloved, anyone?). If women - I don't know a man - straight or gay - who has any desire to see this film - want to see this in gaggles, sure, why not. But I think the entire Vampires as god think is bullshit. I think dumping most Vampire lore is nonsense, too (I don't think much of the Rice books, either). The whole noble Vampire thing...ugh. That's what Whedon got - most are demon creatures with the few exceptions. And the Buffy-Angel, then Buffy-Spike relationships had far more depth and layers (this goes for the supporting characters as well, while in that first Twilight book, the supporting characters are almost cardboard stand-ups.
So without the rants and extreme expletives and flaming that's sure to follow in this TB, I'd like to speak for husbands/boyfriends of the universe accused of not being romantic, blah-blah because we "don't get it." Oh, we get it - this is fantasy for women, simple as that. And yes, men, generally are wired differently. But don't tell us we're "not romantic" because we think this Twilight thing is a load of crapola. I'm just not 14, 15 anymore and haven't been for a long time. And this is NOT a grown-up story. Also, the lead female character is annoying her voice and actions in the book and I can't imagine her coming off any less self-centered in the film. I'd like to see some genuine thoughtful comments here, as I've attempted (at least in part) above. Not just the usual poop-slinging, okay? -
I'm pretty certain Twilight will be #1 at the box office this weekend. According to fandango.com, Twilight is the #7 best selling advanced ticket seller of all time. Over 600 midnight showings are already sold out, and you're going to have the die hards that will want to see it more than once.
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I still think the movie is prolly crap...but...
good review...
I'm a sucker for a good romantic story as well... -
someone torches hot topic.
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This movie is nothing but emo tween crap.
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I'll pass. But it's great that you got something from it, Harry. Good on you.
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comparing Twilight to Pretty In Pink! And I dont even like Pretty In Pink, but there's no way Twilight comes even close to being a fraction as good as that!
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You truly are married!
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Unless you're a 12 year old girl wet for some Vampire love.
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dude, no... i fucking stopped reading that shit before i had to rip out my cock and give up my raging heterosexual manhood. Yeah, i managed to read a barrage of shit twilight pages from my female siblings, and i must express my distate in utter haste. FUCK TWILIGHT
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It would have made more sense and would have allowed you to retain whatever credibility you have left.*Sighs*
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Twilight in Name Only. Vamps gotta eat. Harry nuked the fridge on this one.
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If the protagonist vampire dude is hundreds of years old, why is he in high school?
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if daylight has no effect on these vampires, why's it called "Twilight?"
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Why don't you have a seat right over there.
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Vampire romance for adults.
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if these vampires can suck the vampire venom back out of a human body before the human becomes a vampire, why don't they do this all the time?
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how does that work, anyway? Vampires suck blood in the first place, so doesn't the sucking suck the venom out?
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Nov 21, 2008 1:19:08 AM CST
every review you talk about your wife!! STOP IT!! GODAMN
by thedudeintheshadows
dude, your married! high five!! now stop suckin the balls of every movie!! you gush over every movie! CMON!! your so unreliable. you didnt suck until now. give a straight up review without all your bullshit sentiments.
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and dont talk about its logistic flaws, or people might get the idea that it's not as good as Harry said.
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HUGE SPOILER... SERIOUSLY... Doesn't you know who eventually being turned into a vampire seriously undermine the entire theme of the novels? I mean, theme is probably the most important part of good storytelling. Oh, heh, right, GOOD storytelling.
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a guy falls in love with a baby, realizing the baby is his soulmate? That's just retarded.
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I fucking hate you.
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the more apeshit ridiculous it sounds. Vampire baseball? Vampires sparkle in the sunlight? Really?
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This is some serious Andy Kaufman troll shit, right Harry?
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No more Harry reviews for me.
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Okay, Harry, I'll read it now.
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I've given it some thought, and I still fucking hate you. And Edward.
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...what's up with his face? It's sort of misshapen or something. I mean, little girls find him cute, fine. But doesn't his skin seem like it's covering a weirdly shaped skull? Every time I see him I expect some air bladder effects to start up. WTF?
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So, it's like PRETTY IN PINK, but not. Bella is like Ringwald, but not. Edward is sorta like a combination of two characters, but not. Way to be awesome with your reference there.
I was in the same AFS screening, and I thought the movie was terrible. The acting, for what it's worth, is not bad. But the screenplay is still far too much talking about this and that and nothing really happening for two hours. Long hours.
I get the whole changing the genre deal, but this is one boring "vampire" love story. Hell, Cam doesn't rear his "hunter" head until what seems like the last twenty minutes and the showdown is laughable. Sure, the flick isn't about that, it's about B and E, but wow, there's a better love story in 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU.
I just chalk it up to the film isn't targeted to me. It's aimed at tweens and younger and apparently Harry. I love me a good love story, but this is not that. It's not even a good "vampire" story since the people in this movie seem to just be pale and swishy and that makes them vampires. To me, and I know I'll get some shit for this but, "True Blood" is far more entertaining and much closer to what I desire from a vampire story. -
I am really happy for you and your lady, it really is a blessing from God to have someone who truly loves you, whom you truly love...and even better, you have a girl who loves genre fair...and that is just tops for any geek!!! Cool!!!!!
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admit it. I just got back from seeing it and you can't tell me that this couldn't have been a 6-hour miniseries on CBS or something. The special effects were laughable and Kristen Stewart was practically comatose throughout most of the film. The only small bright spots were the dude playing Edward and the dude playing Carlisle.
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My girlfriend loves NASCAR. I feel your pain.
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A Vampire falls in love with a baby in this? And then wait for it to be his "age"? That's awful. Eww. That's not romantic, that's just dumb. Also I'm not going to see this movie because I love vampires but hate when their weaknesses are bullshitted away. Also LET THE RIGHT ONE IN was very very good, but didn't have an ending. I don't know... I'm just bored and talkbacking for no reason while I'm waiting for more Mad Men to load. I want a vampire film that actually spans centuries. Somebody get on that. Thanks.
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I knew Harry was going to love this, evere since his passionate defense for us "men" to give it a chance, I knew Harry was going to fall for this ovre sentimental saccraine bs. Harry I know the diet is important to you, but dude, eat some chocolate, some sugar, don't fall for this crap.on a more serious note, I have a friend, who I love, she's a great friend and she's gotten into Twilight along with her teenage daughter. When I asked her about it, she told me flat out, that this was noto a book series for guys, that this was a girl's fantasy world. I can buy that, it seems that way to me, I'll just let it go there. And for the record, this friend likes Kevin Smith, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and Nightmare on Elm Street (but doesn't like Evil Dead)
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It's the werewolf that falls in love with the baby. Kinda like The Graduate. Not really.
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I still don't know what happened to Hardwicke, she seems to be declining as a director. She goes from thirteen to Lords of Dogtown to The Navity Story to Twilight, it's a strange carrer path
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is this on the disney channel?
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I keep hearing how he's 100 years old...but looks 17...
WHY THE HELL IS HE IN SCHOOL? Is this ever explained? Does he just...stay in the same grade every year? I don't get it...
ITS DUMB. -
he still doesnt understand algebra.
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At least, last i heard, that is.
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Nov 21, 2008 3:13:39 AM CST
Grown people like this? What is with AMerican society?
by industrykiller!
Good freaking grief people. From now on when someone talks about how their girlfriend or wife loves this Im going to have to advise that you strangle them in their beds tonight. Now I realize its excapist entertainment, but it sort of isnt. On a level idiots but into this eternal love horseshit. Not in the vampire sense, but that they will find their soulmate or some nonsense. That makes it even more pathetic than liking, say, a Michael Bay film. Cut it the fuck out, your dignity depends on it. Vampires that glitter in sunlight? GLITTER??? Has the American female's taste in men really become THAT nonthreatening and base? Someone who glitters is a romantic fantasy?? In that case I hear David Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust era was quite dashing, and probably prettier than Edward Cullen.
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Nov 21, 2008 3:14:23 AM CST
I think I've outgrown the whole wistful goth vampire thing..
by righteousbrother
give me Salem's Lot any day.
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is anyone even remotely shocked that Harry liked this? Didn't think so. I can't even be arsed to sum up the energy to slate him and it. For shame, Harry, for shame.
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Nov 21, 2008 3:19:45 AM CST
I would like to say one more thing to the Twighlight set
by industrykiller!
It's something I think you should hear. You have no soul mate. That person doesn't exist. There is nobody, I repeat NOBODY in the world that was made just for you and when you meet them all the pieces fall into place and lo the angels will sing hymns for all time. It's bullshit. And you might say "Well I know it's not real it's just a fantasy." ok that's fine, you can claim that, but just remember next time you swoon at how much Edward loves little Bella, really remember this: You know what Edward Cullen is going to do after he's been screwing poor Bella for 20 years? he's going to leave her to screw someone else, or vice versa. Let me know when that book gets written.
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... and not by a wife or girlfriend or even a female friend... but by my step sister. I think it was an elaborate trick. I invited my dad to see Quantum of Solace, since that's the type of movie he and I used to go see when I was in high school. He brought along my step-sister, which was fine with me. Then afterward, she was begging my father to buy advanced tickets to this Twilight, but my dad didn't understand why. So i told him, this is like when I stood in line to get advanced tickets to Episode I; "it's like Star Wars for her age group". I said this thinking SHE'D WANT T GO WITH HER FRIENDS. No, it turns out they bought tickets for her, my dad and me. So I'm fucking stuck going cause I feel bad not. But anyway, my point is... I don't mind people who are excited about this movie because they read the books and are big fans and what not. But I know for a fact that this is not the case with my step-sister. She just wants to go cause EVERYBODY else wants to go. I even remember her scoffing at the idea of a Twilight movie back when she first saw the poster. Bottom line is, I get and respect people geeking out about something because they're actual geeks abut it, and not just because something is popular. Actually, the same thing happened with my older sister and the Sex and the City movie. I'm sure I'VE seen more episodes of SatS than she has, but that didn't stop her from getting all excited about "getting together with the girls" and going to see the movie. Man, I have some poseur siblings.
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Edward is gonna stay faithful to Bella until she grows old, whithers and dies while he still looks 17, and he will be sad that the love of his life is gone forever, and all the tweens are gonna be crying over Edward's grief....
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So this Bella chick's gonna show some bush in the sequel?
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It's fucking evil mormon propaganda, that's laced with dubious racism, and a revolting streak of misogyny. It's vile and evil and should not be given a pass on any level.
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best review of this shit ever. And it's by a mormon, she points out all the evil propaganda. It's funny, safe for work and required reading on this subject.
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So close and yet so far away. Edward has some rough sex with her, and then they sulk for a few pages. Then despite the fact that he's undead, so should be firing blanks she undergoes a laughably accelerated pregnancy. In a scene somewhat ripped off from Alien, the foetus (that werewolf paedo has "imprinted" on) tries to claw it's way out of her uterus. Edward performs an Emergency C-section by chewing his way through to release it. This turns her into a sparkly vampire like the rest of them. I've actually made this sound quite good, but I assure you that it isn't
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Someone give me the Gears of War 2 extended kill before I ever read another one of Harry's reviews. I gotta agree with the talkbackers who are sick and tired of Harry projecting what he wants to see. If you want to do that great, but then don't review the flippin' movie. I don't think anyone wants to read my review of Little Women as I pretend they are all Star Wars characters. And yes, this is tweener vamp kid crap (per se), but really - sunlight doesn't affect them? What kind of happy horse crap is that? Romance or not, we all expect certain rules to be followed and no matter how you portray the vampire legend, sunlight messes them up. Throwing that out the window throws out any credability - even with tweeners who have a fifth grade reading comprehension. This will be the most completely gay thing since Anne Rice spent four pages describing how someone was dressed and then spent one line on Merrick receiving The Gift. Harry, check you Geek card at the door and receive your sparkling I Gave Away My Manhood card.
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I get that this is a movie for women. Good for them, they need to have more movies geared to them. But, I have a sneaking suspicion that this thing is going to set vampires back thousands of years (per se).
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Search your heart. You know this to be true. Moronic badly written drivel competently performed.
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A hearty laugh out loud to you sir. It's been an utterly shithouse day and your dose of hard reality really hit the spot. Although I sometimes think there might be 'the one' out there somewhere, it's probably just my relaxed brain's wishful thinking. Cheers.
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Self inflicted. I'm having a total sympathy bypass. You should have told him that it's moronic tween romance dreck masquerading as a Vampire film. And it encourages self harm.
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...you are the cause of morning coffee spillage. This time thanks to that link. Very funny. Some of the pics are great, too:
"Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion." -
Look forward to more of this shit guys. Females' only justification for the quality of this film is that "It's only the same as you having LOTR or Star Wars"... as though it's OUR fault this film is like a piss poor episode of a BBC tentpole (Merlin? has anyone seen that fucking CRAP?). Somehow we unwittingly lobotomized femenine society and insisted they lap up any old feminist turd. Please, Kathryn Bigelow, come back - all is forgiven.
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Nov 21, 2008 4:23:35 AM CST
Guys/Girls, DEMAND that "Let The Right One In" be shown...
by kirbymanly
...in your city. Trust me, people, it is one of the best vampire/love stories I've ever seen. DO NOT WAIT FOR THE RE-MAKE! Like simple love stories? Like vampires? Like coming-of-age stories? Like Kubrick? SEE IT!
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It's good isn't it- I wrecked a keyboard laughing at it.
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either Harry's or that Saffron love-fest. To anyone who's seen it: do the 'vampires' wear purity rings? Seems like something they'd throw in there.
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Nov 21, 2008 4:44:11 AM CST
Mothman, in the words of Peter Sellers on the muppet show
by industrykiller!
"Cigarettes and whiskey and wild wild women, they'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane." We all find these thing out the hard way, even Edward Cullen.
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Tell me it doesn't look the same style.
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Nov 21, 2008 4:56:07 AM CST
I would like it if harry was to pepper his reviews with...
by emeraldboy
refrences to other movies. At least then he would be taken seriously as a review. Philip French was been writing about films for 40 years. and before that he was literary editor of the observer. So when he is writing about films he refrences other films. He has been going to the same cinema since schildhood. He grew up in london. So he saw the very first stage production of peter pan as a boy. He uses his knowledge to other people in the british film industry. and was a great friend and mentor to Anthony Minghella. As the great irish feminist Nell mcCafftery said recently re the banking crisis Yis Knew nothing. Yis knew nothing today and tomorrow. face it yis know nothing!
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In a nutshell...young female nerds can now rejoice...I'll take the next train, thanks...
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Had me giggling at work just now
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...looks like he could be the semi-retarded version of Brendan Fraser. I dunno...there's something not quite right about him. This move looks so generic. I know nothing about it, but from what I'm reading above...it looks like that's pretty accurate.
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I'm fine with no garlic, crosses, stakes, etc. as a vampire weakness (it's been done before), but sunlight is cool now. NO NO NO! Not vampires.
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Nov 21, 2008 6:05:50 AM CST
Linklater should have taken a shit on stage...
by i_am_not_the_droid_you_are_looking_for
then told the audience that was the best show they were going to get that night.I had no idea this piece of shit book or film series even existed until about a month ago. Everything I've seen or heard has pointed to this being fucking awful.A vampire that practices abstinence is exactly the same as a chick who does... FUCKING USELESS!
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this utter shit? Before Sunrise is sensational and Twatlight is evil, poorly written propaganda. It doesn't make sense.
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Great review Harry!
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"But from my point of view the humans are evil!"
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No way I am seeing this now. Bolt it is this weekend. I thought there might be some more action than I saw in trailers, if this is chick shit trash I'll pass. It's a good trick putting in vampires to attract the money crowd than the sex in the city crowd.
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Nov 21, 2008 6:58:18 AM CST
MORE OFFENSIVE THINGS TO SAY IN THEATER DURING TWILIGHT
by bringingsexyback
"Put your hand there Stacey. But don't tell mom."
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I thought the book was dull and childish and I would rather gouge out my eyes than see it on film. Give me "Salem's Lot", "Near Dark", any of the classics with Lee, Cushing, or Lugosi, or "Let the Right One In". "Twilight"...phttt!!!
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Candy coated shit, but shit nonetheless. I went to a midnight showing expecting a bevy of barely legal young goth women that had a jonesing for some macabre love or something. But oh fucking noes, it was a bunch of sixteen year old silver ring thing girls that screamed to holy hell when the trailer for "The Unborn" ran prior. I hope Hardwicke is just doing this shit and the Nativity Story to fund doing more indie stuff. Thirteen was good, as was Lords of Dogtown, this was cookie cutter bullshit. I don't see how people say this is promoting abstinence either, because Bella... she'd give it up in a heartbeat, she even alludes to that, Edward is the driving force for waiting and then it's just concern about physical harm, not some moral standing, kinda like if Superman were to really go at it with a human woman. So the message to girls is "You should have sex before marriage, unless he wants to wait."
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Bullshit. I call bulshit on this review.
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..is they have to be tragic. Bella is the luckiest protagonist in all of literature. Stephanie Meyer would never gives her a single tough moment or any sort of suffering for her goals. It all comes so easy to her its sickening.
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Think about it. MORE than his wife. Wow.
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That;s the fucking point- it hands all control in this little twat's life over to Edward the fucking creep that likes lurking around high school despite the fact that he's 200. But he drives a volvo, so it's alright.
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You get to see Kate's jublies. Therefore Underworld forever pwns twilight. Unless Bella gets fisted.
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Not as a reviewer, but as a heterosexual. I've heard there's nothing in this movie for straight men. I mean, Kristen Stewart is physically attractive, but much like Amanda Bynes and Natalie Portman, is completely devoid of any sex appeal. Therefore, there is no reason to see this movie.
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Same comparison.
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give me a break, this movie and the books that spawned it are pure drivel. That said, I would really like to put it in Stephanie Meyers pooper.
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Seriously! Why are so many of you foaming at the mouth with hate for this story? I'd bet my entire comic collection that no more than a quarter of those of you who hate this story have read more than five pages of the books. I will admit that if you were to form an opinion based only on having watched the trailers then yeah it seems like it would suck. But you are basing your opinions because of the fanbase. If girls like it then it must be bad. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against bashing a chick flick (Sex & the City was horrible) but before you can form an informed opinion about something it would be best if you were informed.
Ah, but I forget, all you need to know is that the writer is a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints, which, in turn, makes her the devil. And if you watch this movie or read the books then you are supporting the devil. If that is the best argument you can make against watching this movie than your opinion is worth less than the film degree you wished you'd received at the local community college.
I'm looking forward to watching this movie and I've enjoyed reading the series; if that makes me gay, then so be it. Oh wait, I am gay. . .ha! -
...and found three grammatical errors, that's all I need to know.
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Fortunately she doesn't like this nonsense. I mean if I have I have to sit through an episode of Golden Girls, at least I have me some Rue McLanahan to gawk at as eye candy. Ok. I'm gonna go take a cold shower now.
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...but hey, I watch Project Runway with my wife...so I understand...
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She said to read them you had to be a girl or gay. And she admits its girly drivel but she likes it anyway.
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Christ, his credibility jumped off a building and slit it's throat on the way down a long time ago.I'm not saying that Journey to the Center of the Earth is a movie you want to watch more than once, but with your family it's a decent night of entertainment. Yet Harry calls it a steaming bowl of dicks. But this Mormon trash is worth watching twice?I'm not going to be a dick and say this movie shouldn't have been made. Hell, fanboys have movies made just for them all the time, why shouldn't teenage girls get something they can appreciate too? Titanic was 10 years ago so I'd say tweens were due something.But this review shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. And at this point, anyone coming to AICN and reading beyond Harry's subject lines are masochists.
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It's more than the fact that the author is a mormon, it's the fact that they are thinly veiled evil propaganda. This isn't hard.
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http://www.belencervino.com/retratos/stephanie-meyer.jpg
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Nov 21, 2008 8:31:23 AM CST
MORE OFFENSIVE THINGS TO SAY IN THEATER DURING TWILIGHT
by bringingsexyback
Sweeter than blood covered pussy juice!!!
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Nov 21, 2008 8:32:13 AM CST
MORE OFFENSIVE THINGS TO SAY IN THEATER DURING TWILIGHT
by bringingsexyback
"Sweeter than blood covered pussy juice!!!"
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Anytime there is a naked Anna Paquin or Anna Paquin running around in panties, True Blood is always the winner hands down.
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It's a great urban fairy tale. Needed more Big and Smith though.
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True Blood FTW!
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He also loved Van Helsing....
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Almost as offensive as Twilight.
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Great. Listen Harry you can be IN love without losing your brain in the process.
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that's a total guilty pleasure movie for me. Like the Mummy...
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Was a proper laugh. Don't knock something for being unashamedly fun.
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Now just step the FUCK back and look how God damned silly that all sounds! You MUST posses a freshly developed, hairless, and newly tingling Vagina, or at least the burning desire to grow one, to be able to honestly like any of this fucking stupidity. For Fucks Sake, not even the most ardent Romance Novel fans can stomach this shit.
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Tomorrow morning...mommy is gonna find more sheets than normal..and extra soiled panties in little Missys hamper and Twilight tucked under the bed, She will smile knowingly, allowing her own hand to slide between the very thighs that saw the birth of her daughter, gently touch herself and drink in the pleasure that only last night her own daughter must have felt, sharing this moment if in only thought... and know her little girl has found her own sexual awakening.
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her world is just the sugar-coated topping of the real world?
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First to Capn Jack, the second book was littered with all kinds of mistakes. I don't know what happened during the editing process but it was a huge distraction. No argument here.
SEcond to Lostjarv, please explain how this is propaganda. Because the lead characters don't have sex (so far?)? Oooooo, how dare those mormons advocate teenage abstinence? That's not to say that sex ed is not a good thing but come on, it doesn't hurt to tell teenagers it ok to wait. -
Rape bella. Slit edwards throat but not before telling him, "you're nothing to me but another dead vampire."
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But seriously....what the fuck? That fact that this site even get any thought to this piece of shit is a fucking disgrace. We are not the target demographic, as you can see no one here is interested. So who the fuck are you posting this shit for other than yourself and your wife? This is the first time I've called you out. But this is really shameful.
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That's not it. Nothing wrong with abstinence, in theory. To be honest, I can't be arsed to type it out again, as I've done it solidly for about a week now, so please refer to the link I posted above. You have to wade through a lot of her review, but she periodically stops and outlines where it is pushing LDS agenda. (Rather than LSD agenda, which would be much more fun)And as an ex-mormon, she puts it better than me.
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I mean, eternally unlaid broodingly hot vampire-guy meets romantic girl, was the basic Ross and Rachel story of Buffy for the first 3 seasons.
Looks a bit pathetic from the trailer, and the descriptions of the movie in this review and the other early screening post make it sound like the self-insertion fan-fic rubbish I was expecting.
I'm glad that You and the Missus liked it Harry but seriously, as a film lover, do you not think you could have actually mentioned the 'film' aspects as well as the cloyingly trite romance at the core? I mean I seemingly recall someone waxing masturatory over the pretty cinematography when talking about Before Sunset.... -
I have a very close friend who is a vampire.Well, I wanted to see him glitter in sunlight so I convinced him to go outside, that it'd be ok, and he burst into fucking flames and died!
Fuck you and your lies, Stephanie Meyer. See the harm this is gonna cause?! The worst part is, is that he owed me like 12 bucks! -
Nov 21, 2008 9:46:55 AM CST
FUCK YES!! MY NAME IS BRUCE, I got my ticket!!
by dannyglovers_dickblood
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
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Sparkling Vampires ?!?!?!?
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'Coz the rest of the planet is gonna be mocking WATCHMEN come March. It looks to be equally poor, its sissified, it's classless, unremarkably gutted take on genre for the old tweeners in a similar fucking way. Courtesy of Zach Snyder, who is a motherfucking fuck face. SPARKLING FUCKING VAMPIRES, MAN !!!! And iconic ultra-horror imagery neutered into fairy fruity ' energy signature '. Fucking Shiite.
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There's your answer fish bulb.
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It's a great film, sir. Campbell is great at playing a complete asshole.
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Of course. Fucking abstinence - what the fuck ?!?!?If you don't wanna have sex, then DON'T. Not ' hold it in '. And ruin venerable, great genres with THAT creepy head bullshit. It's insane. I won't be in the theater for this neo-Ludovico mental sterilization. Good fucking riddance. Stupid kids.
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Probably because this review has a 9/10 ratio.
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He likes everything. But, I confess, I like the overall positive vibe of his reviews. He finds something to like in almost every movie, except sometimes the truly atrocious. He was sure right about how wretched AI was, I'll say that.
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I think the film and the novels are insipid but honestly, who gives a fuck? The torrent of shit you talk on people who enjoy them is really fucking extreme and makes you out to be a pretty strange and unbalanced little insect. I mean, I get that fact that you think you are an intellectually superior organism but really, it's pretty obvious that you're a mildly intelligent loser who mentally masturbates online to make himself feel like a bigger man and your posturing is both transparent and pathetic. I can totally empathize with tearing apart this film for being derivative and downright silly but to attack a bunch of kids for indulging in a bit of fluff just makes you look like a mean, nasty little bitch. And when you inevitably punch back at me, please don't waste my time telling me how you are a master of men; anybody who spends as much time as you do on a message board obviously has jack-shit going on in his life. Also, Harry is what he is and if you haven't figured that out by now you obviously never will. This is his website and if you find his silly gushing over a tweeny vampire flick that offensive you should go elsewhere. Come to think of it, douchebag central, a.k.a Chud.com, seems like a more fitting place for somebody who harbors pretensions of intellectualism. Maybe Devin will let you sniff his undies.
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Break Out the Fur, It's That Time of the Month and I Am a Horny Vampire.
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You saw it? Awesome.
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Yeah, screw that noise. If that film is half the GN, it'll be a very good flick.
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Egad, Lost Jarv ! You're right !
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12 year old girl in a fat suit!
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Look down!
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Mormons are taking over the country. Damn.
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I'm always right. Except when I'm wrong.
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I know it's Harry, but then, who says he can't be a plant.
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woah.....how did she come up with such an amazing original concept? thats incredible.
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Must be pissed, since he made this movie a couple of years ago, and it was only a mild hit.
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Much better potential for enjoyment.
Imagine two vamps on a date..
Vamp 1: "How's your Chinese food?"
Vamp 2: "Still kicking a bit, maybe I should go ahead and break his neck after I drink a bit." -
Where's your response to all this? Hmm...
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"It was all so perfect, thought Bella as Edward achingly unbuttoned his perfectly pressed velvet trousers. Bella was terrified, would she meet up to his sheer perfection. She trembled with anticipation, but he gently stroked her hair, his perfect rythm soothing her nerves. Gently she reached inside to reveal him in all his perfect tumenescense, and gladly took his marbled perfection in her mouth. She knew that she would be picking glitter out of her teeth and hair for weeks, but it was a price she would willingly pay to kiss such perfection"
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They may have to lower their standards a bit to include sun-deprived virgins bloated from take-out food, but go to novelty store and buy a set of fake vampire teeth and you are laid.
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13 year old Female anus. Fact.
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Unless Warren Beatty is involved.
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Hannan Montana fame. Is she famous enough to beat out a gay movie for fat teenage lesbians with just her voice.
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Nov 21, 2008 11:49:46 AM CST
So the only thing that can kill a vampire looks to be...
by drewlicious
Another vampire? I hate that because it takes away part of what vampires are about. Despite being immortal they are in fact cursed. Some part of them is at the mercy of mortal men. Apparently in this series they can do whatever they want which is kind of insufferable.
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"Oh, he's like a little tortured artist. He's British. He's tall. He always looks like he's thinking about something. And he's quite witty. So he's pretty sexy."
Tortured. Funny. -
What can actually kill these paedo scatophile fairy vampires? No stakes/garlic/sunlight...
... and I had a thought on why they might stick to the sweeter meats; perhaps *alcohol* kills them - so any chick of (US) drinking age might be deadly toxic to them?
Even thought Ed's 200 - or was it 100? - he doesn't drink. Never had a drop, I imagine. Stupid, virginal fuckwit. -
I have one in my basement right now letting out a scream muffled by a rag around thier mouth.
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"Bella lay back on her pink lace trimmed Pillow gazing at the perfection of Edwards ass. He was sorting through her CD collection, would her tastes meet his perfect standards? She was terrified. Edward turned to her with the ghost of a smile flitting across his perfect features, his perfect lips bowed just enough for her to see the perfect outline of his perfect upper teeth. She looked at his hand, he had chosen The Smiths. A perfect choice.As he bent over to place the disk in her CD player, she felt her heart tremble again, a feeling that was only amplified when the opening to "Meat is Murder" began to play. The moon cast a shard of silver light across his perfect chest as he peeled off his shirt, and Bella felt a certain quickness begin to gather between her thighs."
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'Jumped the Shark', and this summers blockbusting 'Nuked the Fridge' comes...
'Sparkled the Vampire'. -
Y'think you could film them pooing for Twilight/Salo Redux?
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"the pefect shape of his hand as he lovingly fisted her unworthy asshole" But there's some places even I won't go.
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I would go to a party, stand in the middle of the room, whip out a new bottle of Everclear and just chug it.
I would then finish, wipe my mouth with my sleeve and yell out "Somebody give me a beer!"
I would also chain smoke, lighting one with the other ALL FUCKING DAY. -
Oh yeah, pooing on film is how I lured the artist to basement in the first place.
I will get you some stock footage. -
You have no business seeing this film, unless you are just trying to pick up some underage tail.
If this movie adheres to the dialog (and I use that term loosely) and childish and simplistic thoughts and feelings of the characters, it is going to suck royally. -
of this sparkling Mormon debacle is this - it redefines the horror novel, where the book ITSELF ( and the writer ) is genuinely scarier than the story. See ? It's like mentally-destroying LDS Necronomicron for kiddies - like a good-abiding Christian, you are suppose to ABSTAIN yourself from it's pathetic literature, or it will fuck with your entire generation for DAYS. Real deal meta-fiction at its finest ! That's some 21st century stuff, folks....
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I'd probably be a bit bored. There's only so much you can do. I can tell you one thing for certain, I wouldn't go back to high school and I certainly wouldn't be stalking some drippy little gothette that smells of pate.
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"a dangerously hot version of Mr Darcy""sign me up for BetweenHisDiamondThighs""I’m a sucker "To paraphrase 40-Year Old Virgin, you know how I know you're gay..."I’ve seen the film twice .. I like the film more than she does."Hey Harry I just calls 'em how I sees 'em.
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It isn't Pretty in Pink, it's basically the love story from Attack of The Clones but with a vampire instead of a jedi. Except he isn't a vampire. By any reasonable definition. Pervert/ stalker/ fucking glitterman/ Joseph Smith substitute= yes. Vampire= no.And we all know how good that was anyway. So it's really a steaming bucket of camel dung with no redeeming features and nary a space potato to be seen.
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Those are great. I can't stop laughing.
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Did I miss your review of this one, Harry? Because if, as you claim, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is the "best vampire film of the year", I'd rather hear your thoughts on that than on TWILIGHT. I don't think TWILIGHT really needs more attention. How exactly do you decide which films to review?
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Is that a quote from the film? Or honest sentiment? We all know it's 'cool' to be in love, but you never EVER tell anyone how 'cool' you think it is at the time. That's just rubbing folks' noses in it.
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And Rickey fucking hates Harry Potter
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I'd smoke cigars, drink whisky and cheet on Gordon's wife.
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I think I'd slap QT until he agreed to stop making 'Grindhouse' films.
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Harry, are you pulling some stat rape fantasy here? Your ADULT wife is a fan of the books? I don't mind infantile regression when it's for nostalgia value, thats to be expected by a geek, but to actively pursue an entry level reading list is literally retarded. Why not stock up on Miley Cyrus or Beyonce records while your at it? I thought the adults reading Harry Potter were bad enough, but at least you could pass that off as curiosity. But Twilight? You choose to read a bodice ripper that actively alienates anyone that isn't a pubescent girl? What the fuck is wrong with you people?
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Its a girl thing I suppose.
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AT THIS BACKLASH.
RE-PROGRAMMING IS IN ORDER!! "Now bend over and take this 200 year old sequoia!" -
There's a whole fansite of adult women for this series so it isn't just preteens going to check this out. This movie is going to bank.
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20 years ago this would have been printed in paperback on the Harlequin Romance label with Fabio on the cover, available at airport gift shops.Nowadays, it's literature.
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"He’s fabulously handsome, every girl wants him – but he’s like mercury – slipping through their fingers and a bit poisonous." Have faggier words ever been written?
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The funny cannot die. BRING BACK FUNNY.
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I'll beat the living shit out of Joseph Smith Jr. for this atrocity.
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I hope it cleared and I hope it was fat.
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I hope it cleared and I hope it was fat.
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from any of the AICN staff. Twilight gets 2 so far. This movie looks like a cheap UPN show. It makes Blade 3 look like a masterpiece. I will NEVER read the books or see the movie...because I am a heterosexual adult male. And yes, I liked Before Sunrise/Sunset. Romance I can handle. Shitty Vampire stories are a dime-a-dozen. Please stop. But good luck to the cast. This should launch a few careers for future drug addicts/vapid teen celebrities.
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"Prepare to be ravished from the hind quarters."
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH.....I'M ON THE FLOOR MOTHERFUCKER!
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in response to Chud's pre-hate blogs! Prove me wrong!And why are you guys so surprised? Harry loves fluff romance flicks and teen romance even more.BTW this site's demographic are obsessive fan-boy/girls, obsessing over all genres of film. Not everyone reading is a sweaty, pimply, over-30, 5'10", 300lb, unwashed, squid-jizzing Watchmen fan. Just saying.
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.....NOW SUCK MA' DICK!"
---Our Lord Mitt Romney
---September 24, 1996 -
that is fucking terrible.
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Some of us are under 30, under 5'8, 160lbs, unwashed Watchmen fans.
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But it might as well be.
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hehe...I had to get my daily Watchmen did in :P
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No problemo. Just saying some of us geeks aren't fat, we're just lazy.
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Nov 21, 2008 2:52:32 PM CST
Mitt pops the shit-logs back in the crisp teen anus with his cue
by dannyglovers_dickblood
"Shit-log, corner pocket" CRACK!!
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Nov 21, 2008 2:59:12 PM CST
"BASK IN THE GLOW OF MY SEMEN SHOWER DEAR YOUNGLINGS"
by dannyglovers_dickblood
SO SAYETH THE MITT.
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smell like a combination of Hanna Montana/Hello Kitty perfume and the scent of sweet, only self touched, barely thatched female tween honeypot nectar. I hope they put slip covers on the seats.
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I don't.
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Please..do not roust the tender morsels in the back of the room as their soft teen hands gingerly manipulate each others most delicate moist passion flowers whilst watching this hot mess of an excuse for cinema...film it instead!
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"Join me. Together we will rule this galaxy and conquer the underage gash!"
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But apparently they do get more violent. and from what I have read. in other places bella becomes a female vampire. I think that is supposed to happen. I read a brief synopsis in a so-called very popular Uk based film magazine. this so-called very popular uk film magazine did a potted step by step guide through stephanie myers vampire trilogy. she has written another book called the host. which is about possession. I havent read that either.
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Deadline Hollywood Daily, that is. http://tinyurl.com/5a8jgy. Fandango.com is selling 5 Twilight tickets *per second* and is the online ticketseller's fastest-selling movie since The Dark Knight. Now #3 on its all-time advance ticketsellers list, behind only TDK (#2) and Star Wars Episode 3 (#1).
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Dry-fucking your preteen ass in '09 bitches.
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I hate ROTS and want it to suffer, but do I want Twilight to make more? It's like Sophie's choice for dreadful films.
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and if you do you will always lose.
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Daily
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"Corndozer and The Bear" fuckin hilarious!
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Slightly less than the 85% Forgetting Sarah Marshall received. ;)
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Surrender the Grade 9 starfish to meeeee!
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Too high. Lower, LOOOOOWER!
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Unless the Vampire/Anal/Pedo crowd chimes in.
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Still too high, damnit!
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Ignore my ignorant post above. I just went to see Twilight and totally fell in love with it. I am buying the books later tonight! I am officially obsessed with this series now! The movie was romantic and beautiful with some really cool goth touches that drew me right in. The cast does a great job and this is such a fantastic love story. What an interesting take on the Vampire mythos! How could I be so wrong.....NOT
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Fuck this movie soooo bad
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Actually the Detroit area...My Name Is Bruce is playing this weekend at the Main Art Theater in Royal Oak and Mr. Campbell will be there tonight, tomorrow and Sunday nights.
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Damn you, I was hoping he'd attend a Welsh horror festival a few weeks back and didn't. You lucky git.
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I usually don't jump on the bandwagon and bag on the head guys here @ AICN but Jesus, I know a pussy whipped guy when I see or hear one.
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These talkbacks. Bravo to all of you, special mentions to pervs extraordinaire Stuntcock and Conspiracy. You guys are hilarious here, but probably creepy in real life.
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Dude, where've you been? The Star Trek talkback has some guy pretending to be Bob Orci - it's hilarious!
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Danny's been making hilariously perverse comments about Michael Bay.
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were your balls on your wifes lap nestled in a velvet pouch bound with a silk ribbon while you watched this turd?
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My wife and I love each other very much but we LOATHE romance as pretentious and silly as that.
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You're unaware this movie...this phenomenom even EXISTS, until NBC Nightly News features a report on it. What the fuck!?
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Thats true. And then you look over at your wife's massive, saggy tits but take comfort in the fact she blows like professional after 20 years of practice.
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You wife is a moron Harry. She reads shit novels and loves them. She is an idiot.
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I would compare it to Michael Bay/Stephen Seagal/JCVD movies. Dumb, dumb, dumb. But while all those dick flix have a lot of action for the guys, the chick flix have romance in it's place. You guys are not going to tell me that you think Commando or Point Break is a smarter or more sophisticated film than Twilight, are you?
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Why would we compare action films to Twilight? You compare equivilent films, which would be romantic comedies. Like Love Actually, like As Good As It Gets, heck even like Wristcutters: A Love Story. (the latter being, surprisingly, rather awesome.)
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I think you have to be alittle more abstract. You can say there are much better romances and there are. There are also intelligent action movies and thrillers. My point was that many boys and men will go see superdumb movies with a lot of shit blowing up, karate fights, or gun fights. Women will go see superdumb movies if they involve star-crossed lovers or other romantic tropes.
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Oh, no doubt. But I think the difference is that guys aren't to chalk something like 'The Transporter' to be a life-changing experience. It's a dumb action film. But people talk Twilight up to being life-changing, when it's really just a silly rom-com with Vampires.
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So the nerds and the geeks resent Twilight as something they can't relate to. What a fucking shock. Just like the hatred for Sex And The City last summer. These are movies about girls/women living their lives, dating, having sex, whatever. And the mouth-breathing basement dwellers, who have never found a girl who would actually date them, can't relate... Well duh. What was hilarious about SATC was all the nerds calling the women dirty sluts or whatever. And what is wrong with a woman wanting sex, I would think that's a good thing for us men. Oh right, women want sex but not from socially retarded losers...
Go back to your caves you nerds, movies like Twilight are for those people who actually live life out in the real world and date, something the majority of guys reading this would have no idea about. -
That film was an insult to the Modern Woman.
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"I ain't got the words." I think Harry should have long since given up reviewing. Yeah, his optimism and enthusiasm are catching at times, but his overall inability to objectively and thoroughly review something is overwhelmingly obvious and annoying.
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Have you noticed how everytime something is described as a "girls version" of something, the quality is noticeably bad? I mean, why can't their be decent, Game of Thrones level fantasy geared towards women? Every time I see something geared towards chicks and give it a try it ends up so trite that I wanna kill it really dead.
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Come on, I'm probably not the only one to notice this, especially since the female wears the "pelts" from the people she's defeated...
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You know that thing called life? And how it's constantly changing? Those changes affect your outlook. Harry is in love and in the blush of honeymoon. He is in love with love. Mori had children and hey guess what? It affects him too. I think some of you are projecting them into what they USED to be...and it's quite obvious they are much different that when they first started reviewing movies.
And isn't it a *good* thing? The growing? I always like coming to this site because it had a personal touch. You want straight up non-pussyjuiced reviews? Entertainment Weekly is calling you; feel the blah.
And BTW, I have never read any of the books nor have seen the movie but I'm not going to dismiss the power of fanism out of hand. Myopic, if you ask me. And a double standard. Puts me in mind when people ragged on Diablo for best screenplay *nudge* -
...is fucking awful. Purely contrived. Audience patrons at the 10:30 am screening -- nary a teenybopper or tween in sight save for babies -- laughed and groaned at some lamely acted and stilted dialogue scenes. Like "I'm a lamb/I'm a lion" scene. Two female patrons who sat next to me laughed at a few moronic scenes like Bella's daddy who does the halo gesture and a vamp boy twirling a baseball bat in slow crank-fast crank motion.To be fair, the middle is alright and entertaining despite some goddamn awful dialogues. The ending blew, though. I went to see Twilight just out of curiosity. Just remember, it takes the nerve of steel to endure the first 10 or so minutes of amateur high school play shit until Edward saves dumb brunette's life, then the movie really picks up. Kristen Stewart barely act, but she is hot in the movie even if she was barely legal. Her chest in some scenes had my blood flowing. Guess that makes me an ephebophile like 118-year old hopeless romantic virgin Edward (until he drops his seed in Bella's belly in one of the subsequent novel).
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SATC? All women in NY live their lives like that? Sure they do. Yeah, right. But what you fail to comprehend is almost every character in that show/film is grating. Before I married I had a single date or two with those types and my spider-sense warned me. Then there was the one the went a few dates and the first time in my home, she wanted to rearrange.move the stuff in my kitchen cabinets. That's a red flag. A big one. And women wanting sex as sluts? I enjoyed that stretch of life for what is was. But some of those shrews as a marriage partner, too? Hello now. And getting back to Twilight, you say it's about living life? How so? It's teen fantasy. Vampires as god beings that glitter? What claptrap? Why did she even call them vampires? The whole forbidden fruit thing on the cover of her book? Did you read that first book in the series? I did and it was very difficult to read at that, boring, dull. I kept wanting to put it down. The first person narrative was amateurish and childish. Nothing really happens until two thirds of the way in when the "bad guy" vamp gets involved. That part was okay? But the romance part? Juvenile? And before you flame and rant, see my post at the top of this TB. We're not all basement-dwelling geekoids. Far from it. How old are you anyway, junior? I'm a grown-up, an adult. Sure I enjoy some kids' stuff, but this ain't it. And it's not a grown-up story in the least. I'm not as sure about the Mormon conspiracy thing as others like Danny GDB here, though yeah, the author's from that terrain.
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but down the book for awhile. Now let's recap:
Vampires can only be killed if you burn them or behead them. They're god-like, glitter in the sun, many are noble and they can procreate too? Plus no crosses, star of davids, ankh or any symbols of conviction -I'd use that Darwin fish symbol tell them to fuck off and still ram a stake through their hearts using a nail gun variation). And they're the beautiful people, like the Paris Hilton club crowd, too? Does that about cover it? In other words, ladies, they're not like your husbands who help with the kids, the house, the shared family economy in the face of today's monetary terrors, don't far, look unshaven in the morning and so on. You can add loyal boyfriends in there too. So they're not like us, they're a variation on fabio-cover novels of the '80s and all that. Does that cover it? I recall a stand-up routine of Rosanne Barr (and I was never a fan of her or her show), where she's talking about guys who seeking danger and such: "Try a 30 year mortgage and raising a family - I'll show you real risk and danger." -
you think something is crap to you. "I know you like it, love it, honey, but you have to understand, for me It's a load of hoo-hah." Really, it's okay to say that.
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I liked it better as BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER! Morons!
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it's women 20s to 40s or so, soccer moms and single women who are not goth/emo/etc, but everyday regular. Straight guys? Maybe a few metros or those guaranteed they'll get laid on the date.
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you are one bitter chick... or gay guy... right? - why would you assume the geeks are all virgins or unable to attract women? - this movie looks like an episode of "smallville" shot through blue filters - dreamy (fart noise)
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right... women 20 to 40, soccer moms and single women... who all voted for sarah palin... if they even voted
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Just wow
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though not bi-sexual....as far as I know...heh heh
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in this movie?
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get their wallets' cash ripped out for the tickets, popcorn, drinks, candy, etc....plus possible parking...gas....the dinner out before or bite after, where they are berated for "not getting it."
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I was one of about 10 guys in the theater and this was a real cultural experience...lol. You had the teenage girls that skipped out of school and you also had a bunch of "Twilight moms" there, too. And I've never heard such squealing at lines that had no real significance, but must have been recognized from the book. It might have been the loudest audience I've ever seen a movie with. There was massive applause when it ended and the next group waiting to get in then ran in and almost trampled those leaving, with the new group squealing as they hunted for the best seats.
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....is proof that Idiocracy was prophecy. I think I've lost all touch with the female mind, and might possibly have to consider homosexuality. At least then I'd be able to hold a conversation without cringing. Anyone know if Twilight is one of the Seven Seals?
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men are from mars, women are from venus and the one who is sane has the penis
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"the Twilight screening I saw was prefaced by trailers for two movies, "Bride Wars" and "Confessions of a Shopaholic", that in the space of four minutes convinced me their sole purpose was to make all women look like shallow, stupid, screeching harridans that any guy with half a brain would stay the fuck away from." wow, sure sounds like Sex in the City to me, huh?
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Let me just throw this out there: the screening I attended was prefaced by trailers for two movies, "Bride Wars" and "Confessions of a Shopaholic", both of which managed to convince me that those movies were made for the sole purpose of portraying women as stupid, shrill, screeching harridans that any guy with half a brain would stay the fuck away from...and yet in each case there are guys who want to MARRY these women! Both films are billed as (supposedly) romantic comedies; yet one can tell from the previews that they act as little more then marriage deterrants (THESE films, Jarek, will make you lose touch with the female mind, or at the very least scare the shit out of you). Regardless of its shortcomings, Twilight the movie is at least true to what it's supposed to be: it's all about the feeling, the CRUSH, as opposed to the consummation. And neither Kristen Stewart, nor any other actor or character, comes off as stupid or shallow. No, it's not Let the Right One In; but I believe it's far better than the critical consensus would suggest.
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I repeated myself! Didn't mean to; if I'd known you were gonna reference me, I might not have been typing so long!
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tripe. And the Crush is fine, but I'd rather see it cutesy than fucking melodramatic nonsense. I'm not such a hardass either - I thought Enchanted was cute and charming, okay?
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Amy Adams was damn near irresistible in the film. Dumb ending with the dragon; great songs; and I still say Patrick Dempsey looks like a Baldwin brother with a squashed head.
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For some reason, right wing Republican shill Glenn Beck was interviewing the author of this series. For some reason, he brought up Cormac McCarthy. Sadly, she hadn't heard of him.
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From what I've read, Buffy, Angel and numerous other non-Whedon related products have done numerous variants on this before ad infinitum/nauseum and supposedly better to boot. What am I missing?
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this confirms it...
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Here, here, sir! Before Sunrise/Sunset are the only TRUE romance films of our time. Now only if these moronic tweens/teens could stop being fed this unicorn-esque bullshit.
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Why compare? Because one does it first? The next one does it better? A critical review should be just that; a review of what you just saw. It is weak sauce to compare the vernacular. If it sucks because the script is bad or the actors blow; tell me that. Don't give me shit balls about how the vampires aren't "vampy" enough.
It's fucking vampires. Traditional but mythical. Expand your box. -
Killa.
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You should know; I'm experiencing a new emotion that transcends embarrasment for you. You sold out unforgivabley. To your wife and I can only conclude - to the studio.
Jeez man - get it together or stick to just having your name on the page footers and leave the write ups to the other reviewers on the site. Seriously. -
The love between these two, even in the books, is very superficial.
He can't help but be drawn to her because of a biological impulse, a desire, literally, to devour her. She can't help but want to be near him because he's made of evil magic.
At no point do the two share a mental connection, or make a CHOICE to be with each other, they do so completely out of instinct.
Its not love, its addiction. Its kind of a sexy idea, but I wouldn't say its Romantic.
Oh, and it was really poor filmmaking, Harry. I'm surprised you excused it, romantic or not. -
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Has the amount of fat in your body raised your estrogen levels to critical limits or what, man? This movie is based on a book that is fucking horrible. FUCKING HORRIBLE. I haven't seen the movie and not even a blowjob from the Virgin Mary herself could get me to, but I can only assume that some sort of fucking cash payoff was in play here and as a result, will never be taking anything you have to say seriously again. And, I was serious, see about getting your cock chopped off and turned into a vagina, you don't deserve it anymore.
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His reviews may get taggged on occasion but I find him more like a barometer. This is more than a movie review site; it's Harry's fucking blog. Always has been. The presumption of some people to expect more than his own opinion is 'tarded.
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There WAS some Gothic fan service in the form of a fantasy sequence where Bella realizes what Edward is, and she's dreaming about them in a romantic vamp movie, with him as a more traditional Elegant Gothic Aristocrat that drinks her blood. I wish that was longer...or at least have NECA make a figure of that version of Edward, blood streaming down his face...
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You don't know how much of a chick flick "Van Helsing" is. I run into plenty of gals who wish Universal would make a sequel, and not that made-for-DVD bullshit they were planning before the writer's strike killed it.
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would still like that blonde bitch from Hellboy II to work his sword-fu on me.
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Actually, I do. While I like Hugh Jackman, they didn't cast him on his acting talent.
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This could be worse than the Lady In The Water review, where it was bleedingly obvious in your post that you KNEW it was a over the top self-indulgent piece of trash, and KNEW it didn't work, but because of your Hollywood circle jerk you just couldn't bring yourself to pan it. You had to make some incoherent "tee hee" bullshit stream of consciousness review instead and thought you could do a little Internet softshoe. I respect that less than anything else. And now this Twilight shit is just you riding the latest wave and then asking for a pat on the head from your masters. "Well I am saying it's bad but TEEHEE LOVE!"
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Stunning.
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...I would watch Twilight four times in a row before ever visiting that piece of trash.
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Shit shit shitty shit shitter.
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Kicked Bolt's ass in particular and QoS, which dropped a staggering 70% Friday-to-Friday.
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I appreciate that you love cinema Harry but you've come to defend movies that really are poor or at least flawed because you're blinded by your love for the "idea" a film may portray or give it positive marks because you "appreciate" what the film makers were trying to do. In reality those views are a good thing but they don't change what a film actually is. I'm not bashing you man. I just calls it like I sees it.
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I'm not surprised, it's not good enough to have good word of mouth.
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It's awesome that you're in love, but the review does seem a tad defensive.
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http://tinyurl.com/Brokencyde Now THAT is the fall of humanity !
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How many things have you owned up to doing for your lady? Honestly. If you have one, that is.
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Touche - if I had a missus and she said 'you want to go and see Twilight?', I'd probably go. Partially because I'll watch anything, but also because - well, I'd imagine there'd be some perks involved. Doesn't make sense to have a woman and then do as much as possible to not have one.
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...which makes him a total and utter TOOLBAG. Go read Massa's review Harry, or Capone's. And for fuck's sake, get your balls reattached and while you're there, get the surgeons to undo that "mangina" they replaced your dick with.
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Mormonize Transformers for tweens. Any takers ? " It's not about 40 foot tall robots beating the utter shit out of each other .... it's all about ' love '. And ' sparkling ' all the way to Joseph Smith Jr. Heaven ... Oh, and they don't ' transform '. They're just ' doin the racist work of beJeebus '.
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Yowza.
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I think the Talkbackers Nation has to make it its duty to go see Transporter 3, just to try and beat Twilight next weekend!
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That thing was designed for squealing fifteen-year old girls (as well as confused fifteen-year old boys), what with the lingering angsty looks, emo soundtrack and the Abercrombie and Fitch boy-whore in the lead.
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But I'm not a chick or a fag. I happen to love women in all shapes and sizes. And a few of them have actually loved me back.
The point here is, some bone-headed superhero movie like Hulk or Hellboy opens and the nerds flock to it. Why? Because there's safety in numbers. You're all losers and you know each other are losers, so may as well all sit in the dark together and worship those who are getting rich off your sad, lonely existences.
On the other hand, something like SATC or Twlight opens up and you collectively bash it. Why? Because it appeals to the segment of the population who has forced you into your exile. Because girls won't acknowledge you, the bunch of you sit alone in your dungeons visting sites like this, which is the only place you can feel a sense of belonging.
I personally can't imagine anything better than seeing a movie surrounded by women who have all been driven wild by the subject matter. But of course I'm not afraid of women, and they haven't marginalized me. -
saw the trailer for this before the film called lets blow the maximum shit out of everything starring Mark " departed was a fluke" whalberg". my friend said to me twice. the trailers were all shit. why do the cinemas have to show shit trailers. Role models looks like shit. but then where has Seann William scott been lately. oh thats right watching his american pie career go glug glug glug down the crapper!. Wanna know what else looks like shit, the new film from will smith. You get to be in crap when you join cruises club. Inkheart also looks like shit. I will say this about john moore, he has some style and he likes blowing things up and lets blow the mxinmum shit out of everything looked great. but I have no idea what was going on during the film.
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Nov 22, 2008 2:04:12 PM CST
"$10 for a ticket. Too bad I forgot to pick up my balls when I l
by stuntcock mike
the theater"- Mitt Romney.
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Fuck this drivel.
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This sounds just... awful.
I only heard about the books a month ago when somebody on LIvejournal started wittering on about some bloke called Edward Cullen. They sound truly dire. Admittedly I've never read a word of them (I'll skim read the first one next time I'm in a bookshop, it gets five minutes of my time) and I'm not in the target demographic, but... it really does sound like a very poor, watered down, imaginatively impoverished Buffy knock off, except without the, y'know, Buffy Goodness. -
Nov 22, 2008 3:15:36 PM CST
Only thing more predictable than Harry's response to Twilight
by chaplinatemyshoe
Talkback's response to Harry...
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I know some amazing girls, and they think it looks like crap. So let's not marginalise every woman into falling for dreck like this, okay?
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That story about the Twilight author not knowing about Cormac MaCarthy is hilarious but not surprising. She a shit author who probably doesn't read anything else but her Mormon Bible and the Mitt Romney '12 website.
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Twilight fanbase = the Wasilla of quasi-goth
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She has been making this film since she made thirteen. I hated thriteen.
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Amen.
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Chick flick. Worst trailer since SEX AND THE CITY (women rendered into babbling idiots).
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And all your sister-wives too. Bitches.
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Sorry!
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the nativity story. in 2006? with Keisha Castle Hughes? hmmm....
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Nov 22, 2008 5:34:19 PM CST
I LIKED THE NATIVITY STORY BETTER WHEN IT WAS CALLED
by bringingsexyback
Superman Returns.
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and it is bad. but here is a warning. for you. all.....
I think hollywood is in for a rude awakening. the rise of obama will also equal a rise in the conservatives power in the film studios. We will be getting more of this conversative style film making and stories. after bashing bush for eight years. liberals are going to a very real wake up call. the man they pushed for the white house is no idiot and neither is one of them. He is his own man and will not be pushed by anyone. -
Nobody flocked to see THE HULK nor HELLBOY (2); both were boxoffice disappointments (but not on the same disastrous scale as LIONS FOR LAMBS). So much for your stereotypes..
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har har...point taken. singer did over use the jesus mythology in that film especially near the end in the hospital.
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thing for moral films. This is her second moral type film. 1st was the nativity story and now this.....
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But it does. It has vampires, which are completely crappy. If they just called them immortals or something, made up something original then this movie would be fine. It would still have the issue of a pedo wanting to be hitting on highschool girls his entire life, but otherwise fine. The problem is that they put vampires in, and took away everything that makes them vampires, and still call them vampires.
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Nov 22, 2008 6:26:43 PM CST
"It smells like moist pre-teen ginch in here. Num num."-Mitt Rom
by stuntcock mike
at an afternoon Twilight matinee.
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Nov 22, 2008 6:28:25 PM CST
I liked this movie better when it was called............
by stuntcock mike
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I preferred it when it was called Thunder Road, and even then QT fucked it up.
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what your getting at. You'll get zero argument there. I hear Mitt Romney took his 13 year old gal pal to see it. She gave it 5 out of 5 fingers.
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It was - remember how he throws two title-cards out there... and forgets that Thunder Road is actually a funny title. Surprised that Romney's gal Friday gave it 5/5 - that's some high praise!
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than "The Happening". Right?
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the box office on this will have legs. You know these 15 year old girls are good for 6 or 7 tickets.
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If only this had come a few years earlier, those idiots at the WB might have thought "oh look vampires are really big right now, so let's give Angel a sixth season and finish the storyline without having to rush it instead of cancelling a show increasing its ratings (for less money) and being proven fools 12 months later when all the replacements fail ... leaving us with *nothing*" ...
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Where I saw that story on chud, the forums were varying degrees of aghast at this. Fortunately, Cormac Macarthy is having his own mainstream run of success with "No Country for Old Men" and "The Road" in the last year or two and was doing quite well before that anyway.
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I enjoyed this film. Check out the argument going on between others and me on Capone's review page.
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together; books 2 and 3 of the Twilight quadrilogy per Deadline Hollywood Daily.
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Greatest fucking talkback ever. I've nearly pissed my pants laughing so hard at some of this shit. My wife thinks I'm lame but whatever.
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he has damn good taste in music. Check out his picks/faves on itunes (the wife showed me and I couldn't argue with most of it at all) - Van Morrison, Oscar Peterson, John Lee Hooker, Tom Waits, Neil Young.
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we struck a deal; she gets to see it again tomorrow and forked out for my ticket to see Quantum, using a cinema gift card.
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http://tinyurl.com/6rbaxo
Perfection. The book series really is THAT BAD, and illustrates that this is just bad mormon trash. -
picking up the rights to Darren Shan's work. that would give this series a run for its money. darker, grittier and much more violent.
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Really? Maybe I should start sending my CV out.
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Harry sucks the dick of another corporate conglomerate. If it's drawing a crowd, Harry wants to fuck it more than the next person. This is a disgrace for this website. You have hit rock bottom, Harry.
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We have nip this in the bud before there is a Harry Potteresque type run of movies. Do we actually want that?! A lot of the tween girlies who read Harry Potter will think Twilight is "dark" and before we know it Hollywood will start producing tween/teen Vampire movies that will trample and spit on the memory of good vamp movies like The Lost Boys and After Dark. THE LINE HAS TO BE DRAWN IN THE SAND NOW!!
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But what's 53,000 between friends, yeah?
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..this film was not made for me and I have no desire to see it.
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just sayin'....
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From the AP: "Women accounted for three-quarters of the audience and 55 percent of viewers were under the age of 25."
"Where the young girls are, the young boys soon will follow," said Richie Fay, president of domestic theatrical distribution at Summit Entertainment. -
This no-talent, corpulent sack of shit hack DOESN'T love?
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ok, i've seen someone call Enchanted "charming" more than once in these talkbacks. So here's this guy already engaged to Idina Menzel (she's a goddess), and he leaves her for some cartoon twit with the chest of a 10 yr old boy. file that right there under WTF. and who the fuck puts Idina in a Disney musical and doesn't let her sing??????????? godawful movie. fuck Enchanted up it's stupid ass.
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Amy Adams has the chest of a 10yr old boy? Yeah, right about then is when I stopped your line of thinking.
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The guy is taking "light in his loafers" to multiple meanings.
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Hey, you know, maybe Twilight works if you are a 13 year old girl or retarded, but if you are an adult who enjoys sex and drugs and realizes that love is an illusion, then watch TRUE BLOOD and fuck this tweeny nonsense. The fact that any adult human being, but especially a guy, can take this fat lonely eternally virginal fag hag wish fulfillment emotional porn seriously is beyond sad, its pathetic.
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It's made for a certain nic he market and I'm sure they'll love it.
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THANK you for that!! Yes, I'm a Twilighter, to all you ragingly critical web geeks (I am one of you) and I LOVE the books. They did drag in book three and even I was sick of Edward and Bella's "oh, I'm just not good enough for you, no I want to do what is best for YOU even if it sucks for me" business. I hate that shit in life let alone when trying to ennjoy escapist fiction.
But I LOVED the idea. and the feel of the characters. I found them rich and the suspense came from what their story would turn out to be- not the physical chase sequences. That kind of cerebral suspense is more interesting to me. No, she's no Anne Rice-(I'm a livid fan so Meyer didn't have a prayer) but she did well by me.
Your review was a taking it as it was kind of review. Thank you. I'm tired of the homophobes dictating in these talk backs that the idea that "no one likes these books/1st movie except the gays and tweeny girls" It's utterly ridiculous. thank you again. -
Oh, and I don't get cable, so I'm True Blood challenged; untill it comes out on DVD.
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I used to agree with Harry and know that if he liked a movie then the odds were pretty good that I was going to enjoy it. Something happened and now he just gushes over pretty much every piece of tripe that comes out.
I think I first realized this after seeing Transformers. -
Weak...
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www.darrenshan.com.
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G-A-Y.
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Next up ... MORMENUDO!!!
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'You are part of a league of morons. Oh, yes. You see you're one of the morons I've been fighting my whole life' We lost, sadly!
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Another Mormon boy band. Good going ya fucking pre-teen bitches.
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With their smash hit, You've Got It (The Mormon Stuff)
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Hey WAIT a second...
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Compound's back ... ALRIGHT!!!
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Good Vibrations indeed...
-
hehee
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I saw 'Let the right one in' last night and it renewed all hope I had in the tired Vampire genre. Then I read this review and all faith I had in AICN dissapeared in a heartbeat. Not only was this review a total embarassment, but the fact that this website has completely ignored 'Let the right one in' just confirms that this website has become pretty much irrelevant. Jesus christ harry.
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This movie made $70m this weekend. I'm guessing "Let the right one in' made $2 or $3m. And Harry's gushing over this one because he's in love??
I'm in love too, but I still know a shit movie when it's looking me in the face. And I don't get paid for it either.
What an insult to readers of this site
-
Nov 23, 2008 7:10:15 PM CST
Isn't this website full of people who have felt love lost?
by stooopider
Or at least are cynical about those smug fucks that rub true love into our face?
I'm married and see no reason at all for that to ever change in my lifetime because I love my wife dearly. But imagine the embarrassment of typing 'It is so cool to be in love!" when your very career depends on giving true reviews to a movie, no matter what your lifestyle is at that moment in time. If Harry was single he'd be calling this the biggest pile of shit ever made, which it clearly is. It's made for 13 year old girls into Emo that like carving "love suks' into their arms with 20c pencils. For a mature adult to gush over this movie is embarrassing. I'm not one of those drooling freaks that hates a reviewer for not liking a movie I dig the hell out of, but I'm not even sure that was a movie review. Sounded more like some guy at a funeral laughing at a joke his girlfriend told him earlier in the day. Uncomfortable and embarrasing Harry -
It's been in release 4 weeks and has made $505,357 domestically, and $1,292,313 overseas for a worldwide total of $1,797,670.
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Can you take something to reverse your shrinking balls?
People, we need to ridicule this shit as much as possible. It's all part of the culture war. Destroy. -
Hot young 17 year old girl is preyed upon by 90 year old man. Then she submits to him like an eager little tramp. I bet the girls who read these books have at least one Playboy T-shirt in their closet.
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This movie looks like absolute shit, like the WB has gone to the big screen!
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Just have seen this movie over here in germnany... and oh boy, it has a descent love story in the first hour. Every girl will fall in love with that guy who played in the Harry Potter movies and every guy up to the age of 17 will think its cool to have superpowers and protect a girl BUT at the moment she realises he is a vampire the story and storytelling and everything goes down so hard.
This stupid conflict with the "rasta and whore-vampire crew" while they are playing baseball, why are those creatures depicted like gays, they wear fancy clothes, live in a stylish apartment out of town, drive expensive cars, love baseball and don't get on fire when the sun appears, no - they start to shine like diamonds...
Really liked the love story, but next time leave it like that and keep the vampires to other directors...
ahhhh - and the stupid cliffhanger with a jealous vampire bitch -
the book bored me to tears and the movie was a faithful adaptation... boring as all hell.
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"like the WB has gone to the big screen!"... TOO RIGHT!
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Pattinson will never live this down. And as if he isn't preppy and pretty boy enough in GOBLET OF FIRE...
This movie looks like it ticks off every box in the "Why I fucking hate the Emo Goth culture right now" category. Hopefully to be avoided like the plague, unless Mrs Spud-To-Be pulls her veto card and calls this as her film. In which case... watch your back, bitch >:D -
Stilted dialogue. Ludicrous scenes. Impossibly bad acting. Absolutely idiotic caricatures.
I swear, the moment Dr. Cullen walked into the hospital room, my wife and I burst out laughing because he was such a caricature that we couldn't top laughing for 10 minutes. The only way it could have been more funnier is if he wore a tuxedo with a black cape and black hair that is pointy in the middle.
Have the Cullen "children" never heard of home-schooling? That they keep going to school after all that time is simply ludicrous. Their reason is so that they fit in with the neighborhood, but then they dress and look like vampire goth and keep to themselves, date each other, and stare at everyone like they're batsh!t crazy is hilariously idiotic. What a ridiculous way to go through eternity.
I can't wait for a sequel. Truly, this movie is so unbelievably bad that it's good. However, I don't think I saw the movie Harry saw. He saw it with "Catherine", so I guess that makes it all better. Sorry I can't drink the kool-aid with you on this one. -
Has bought the rights to Darren Shan Trilogy. Cirque du freak. Shans works are very gorey. but they are for kids. and adults read them too. Very dark. and very bloody. high body count.
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Harry Knowles is a pussy whipped yes man.
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Harry's worst review.... to me is is his mission impossible three. closely followed by that obnoxious stench filled rant that was the his X-men3 campaign. yuck!
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for site traffic from enraged nerds everywhere!
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...when she went to see it with all her girlfriends. They loved it, of course. I'll take my gf's word over Harry's.
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And a boyfriend. Usually the one who love it don't have one
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Your new name should be Fruity McGee.
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and the gay bikers hat in the PUSH article. But that was circumstantial. Or was it... :)
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that is all I am saying
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