Horror Movie A Day: Quint on RETURN TO HORROR HIGH (1987)
Kastleman, you honky! There never was an Amos!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with today’s installment of A Movie A Day.
[The regular A Movie A Day list has been frozen in order for me to do an all-horror line-up for October. I’ve pulled many horror titles from my regular “to see” stack and have ordered many more horror and thriller titles to make sure we have some good stuff. Like the regular AMAD column all the movies I’m covering are films I have never seen, but unlike the regular AMAD column I will not connect each film to the one before it. Instead I will pull a title at random every day and watch whatever the movie Gods determine for me.]
Hahaha. This movie is dumb as shit! Cheap, poorly acted and trying desperately to be a smart take on the horror formula, RETURN TO HORROR HIGH deserves its sub-4 star (out of 10) rating on IMDB.
BUT! But, it’s the perfect film to gather your buddies around and have a laugh, which I don’t usually recommend. I don’t quite go so far as Tarantino when he says there’s no such thing as a movie that’s so bad it’s good. If you like it, it’s good. I don’t completely agree with that, but I also hate it when people rag on a movie I dig for being shitty when it’s really working for them and they just don’t get that it’s intentional. I have arguments about ROCKY HORROR all the time because I see a lot of people (especially people professing to love it) say it’s a horrible movie. No, you’re wrong. Everything you love about the movie is intentional, the tongue was planted firmly in cheek and you just don’t understand it. Sorry.
I expect much hate mail now. But my point is I usually don’t condone that and if this film wasn’t intended as some kind of horror comedy I wouldn’t suggest sitting and making fun of it. That’s just mean shit… not saying I don’t do it. I do own DUNGEONS & DRAGONS on DVD for a reason, but I think the filmmakers of RETURN TO HORROR HIGH were ultimately trying to make a goofy, fun movie, so I can recommend getting loaded with your friends and tearing it up a little bit.
Basically the flick is about a film crew recreating the story of a high school massacre in the abandoned high school that it actually happened in years before. They have hired the original principal and janitor to play themselves and have brought on the lead investigator as a consultant.
One of the most notable things about this film is an early appearance by ROSEANNE/RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOS era George Clooney. His only previous screen credit is on a movie that just blew my mind a little bit when I looked it up on IMDB… It’s called PREDATOR: THE CONCERT and it has a cast that includes Laura Dern, Charlie Sheen, Louise Fletcher and John-Rhys Davies (as The Mountain Man). It’s about a giant grizzly bear that attacks a big band rock concert in a national park… It sounds kinda ORCA-ish, the bear reacting to poaching, hence the massacre.
Oh, and it’s shot by Laszlo Kovacs, DP of little movies like GHOSTBUSTERS, PAPER MOON and EASY RIDER.
What the fuck is this movie and how come I haven’t seen it?
Anyway, the funny thing about Clooney in RETURN TO HORROR HIGH is that he plays an actor who gets a call from his agent in the first 6 minutes of the movie alerting him that he just landed the lead in a big TV series, so he skips out on the indie splatter film, forcing the producer to cast the real life cop to play himself.
Of course, Clooney gets knocked off before he leaves, giving him the chance to walk down a dark hallway, calling out “Hello?” and checking that box off of movie clichés he has successfully completely. I’m sure there’s an achievement list for actors, just like gamers on XBL.
A little like yesterday’s I, MADMAN, this film plays around with perception, but just doesn’t do as good a job at it. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out if you’re in the movie within the movie or if it’s a nightmare sequence or the main reality.
Part of that is because the flick keeps cutting back and forth between the present where the writer (and sole survivor) tells the story to a pair of cops, including Marsha Brady in uniform, and the past where we see the stalking and massacreing.
Maureen McCormick is hot as hell in this movie, but is so over the top. Maybe that’s why she’s cute, but she’s enthusiastic, ending up covered in blood and relishing the gore she’s surrounded by.
So, confusing time frames, a nightmare sequence thrown in for good measure and the tricky “is this part of the movie or the movie within the movie” element adds up to a little bit of a rat’s nest of a narrative.
Now, I’d say this movie could have been the tits if they had focused on a few of their really funny characters.
I loved Alex Rocco as the greedy dickhead producer… you’ll remember Rocco as Moe Green from THE GODFATHER and one of the cops from DETROIT 9000… it was nice seeing him again…
But the star of this movie to me is a guy named Al Fann who plays Amos, the janitor. He has a career of bit parts in pretty great movies, like THE FRENCH CONNECTION and blaxploitation classic COTTON COMES TO HARLEM, but this dude is awesome.
My favorite scene is a conversation between the cop guy and the janitor where Amos is asked what he’ll do with his new-found starpower since he’s playing himself in the movie within the movie. He thinks about it and says, “I’m going to do a pussy movie!” and then starts talking about his ten inches that he has strapped to his leg, making the thin white dude uncomfortable before he wheels his mop and bucket away, laughing as he goes.
Then he plays again during the finale. I’m going into spoiler territory here, but fuck it. I have to talk about this moment because it’s so fucking crazy-stupid that I got a huge laugh from it.
You might have noticed the subhead today and that comes from this bit as the cop and Amos are wrestling. Amos has attacked them and is clearly the murderer, but in a bit of Scooby-Doo-esque wonderment, the cop guy grabs Amos by the face and suddenly rips off a mask revealing the old, crazy Principal Kastleman…
And yes, it’s all sold by the line, “Kastleman, you honky! There never was an Amos!?”
Final thoughts: This movie gets points for being so over-the-top I couldn’t help but laugh, but at the same time it goes on for way too goddamn long. It’s a 60 minute movie stretched to 94 minutes. There are some fun Hollywood clichés that are satirized, but how many times do we have see the trouble writer getting his work taken away from him, the pretentious arty-farty director and the greedy, titty obsessed shyster producer? We get it. It’s not a great movie, but it is a movie you can have a lot of fun with if you have the right group of friends and a lot of alcohol. Plus, it as an exploding tit in it. I’m not kidding.
Today our follow-up feature, culled from my personal favorite genre films of all time, is one that holds a very special place in my heart.
I vividly remember seeing SLEEPAWAY CAMP for the first time. I was visiting my grandparents in Albuquerque… I was maybe 15 or 16. Being grandparents, they were hitting the sack around 8pm every night, leaving me to my own devices for hours every night. I began renting videos during the day so I’d have something to do when they went to sleep and one of those videos was SLEEPAWAY CAMP, which I picked up because of the awesome video box cover.
Basically this movie is the greatest FRIDAY THE 13TH rip-off ever. In the first 30 minutes you think you know what you’re in for. We see someone killing counselors at a New England Summer Camp… POV killer cam and all that.
But then about halfway through thing start getting weird… and it all leads up to a fucking insane ending that is awesome, creepy, disturbing, hilarious, holy-shit-did-I-just-see-what-I-thought-I-did… brilliant, in a word. When the movie finishes you realize you just got played.
Seriously, this movie is cheap as shit… there’s even one character that has a mustache that I’m 100% sure is made of bristles from a vacuum cleaner. The whole movie is cast with regular people, hardly any professional actors and as a result the counselors feel real, the kids feel real… there’s a level of real-life that doesn’t exist in any of the Friday the 13th movies.
But all that makes a perfect little ball of genre awesomeness. The kills are inventive, the twist is legendary, the vulgarity coming out of the mouths of 10-13 year olds is awesome and the whole thing just goes into such weird territory that it has quickly become one of my favorite genre movies of all time.
After I watched this movie in my grandparents’ house, I could have sworn I heard a particlar sound that ends the movie in the dark, unfamiliar hallways leading to my bedroom. I figured out it was just the hissing of the air conditioning coming through the vents, but by then the damage had been done and I was sufficiently creeped out.
The film spawned a slew of direct to video movies that I haven't tried to watch since I first saw this one. I remember being very disappointed in them, finding them not to be nearly as fun and creepy and fucked up as the original, but I know they have a following.
There's also an official sequel called RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP that was directed by the original's Robert Hiltzik and brings back many of the original cast members. That comes to DVD next week, I think, and I'm dying to pick it up.
The original SLEEPAWAY CAMP a definite watch and a movie I love showing to people for the first time, see them think they’ve figured it out and then that first “recovered memory” sequence comes up and I see their faces contort into a “what the fuck?!?” look. I can’t recommend this movie enough.
Here are the titles in the drawing pool for the rest of October:
Wednesday, October 1st – Friday, October 31st: H-MAD! Horror Movie A Day! Check out the list here!
Now’s the the time to pull the next HMAD!
Next up is:
Jumping from cheesy ‘80s to Karloff. Good, good… See you folks soon for that one!
June 2nd: Harper
June 3rd: The Drowning Pool
June 4th: Papillon
June 5th: Gun Crazy
June 6th: Never So Few
June 7th: A Hole In The Head
June 8th: Some Came Running
June 9th: Rio Bravo
June 10th: Point Blank
June 11th: Pocket Money
June 12th: Cool Hand Luke
June 13th: The Asphalt Jungle
June 14th: Clash By Night
June 15th: Scarlet Street
June 16th: Killer Bait (aka Too Late For Tears)
June 17th: Robinson Crusoe On Mars
June 18th: City For Conquest
June 19th: San Quentin
June 20th: 42nd Street
June 21st: Dames
June 22nd: Gold Diggers of 1935
June 23rd: Murder, My Sweet
June 24th: Born To Kill
June 25th: The Sound of Music
June 26th: Torn Curtain
June 27th: The Left Handed Gun
June 28th: Caligula
June 29th: The Elephant Man
June 30th: The Good Father
July 1st: Shock Treatment
July 2nd: Flashback
July 3rd: Klute
July 4th: On Golden Pond
July 5th: The Cowboys
July 6th: The Alamo
July 7th: Sands of Iwo Jima
July 8th: Wake of the Red Witch
July 9th: D.O.A.
July 10th: Shadow of A Doubt
July 11th: The Matchmaker
July 12th: The Black Hole
July 13th: Vengeance Is Mine
July 14th: Strange Invaders
July 15th: Sleuth
July 16th: Frenzy
July 17th: Kingdom of Heaven: The Director’s Cut
July 18th: Cadillac Man
July 19th: The Sure Thing
July 20th: Moving Violations
July 21st: Meatballs
July 22nd: Cast a Giant Shadow
July 23rd: Out of the Past
July 24th: The Big Steal
July 25th: Where Danger Lives
July 26th: Crossfire
July 27th: Ricco, The Mean Machine
July 28th: In Harm’s Way
July 29th: Firecreek
July 30th: The Cheyenne Social Club
July 31st: The Man Who Knew Too Much
August 1st: The Spirit of St. Louis
August 2nd: Von Ryan’s Express
August 3rd: Can-Can
August 4th: Desperate Characters
August 5th: The Possession of Joel Delaney
August 6th: Quackser Fortune Has A Cousin In The Bronx
August 7th: Start the Revolution Without Me
August 8th: Hell Is A City
August 9th: The Pied Piper
August 10th: Partners
August 11th: Barry Lyndon
August 12th: The Skull
August 13th: The Hellfire Club
August 14th: Blood of the Vampire
August 15th: Terror of the Tongs
August 16th: Pirates of Blood River
August 17th: The Devil-Ship Pirates
August 18th: Jess Franco’s Count Dracula
August 19th: Dracula A.D. 1972
August 20th: The Stranglers of Bombay
August 21st: Man, Woman & Child
August 22nd: The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane
August 23rd: The Young Philadelphians
August 24th: The Rack
August 25th: Until They Sail
August 26th: Somebody Up There Likes Me
August 27th: The Set-Up
August 28th: The Devil & Daniel Webster
August 29th: Cat People
August 30th: The Curse of the Cat People
August 31st: The 7th Victim
September 1st: The Ghost Ship
September 2nd: Isle of the Dead
September 3rd: Bedlam
September 4th: Black Sabbath
September 5th: Black Sunday
September 6th: Twitch of the Death Nerve
September 7th: Tragic Ceremony
September 8th: Lisa & The Devil
September 9th: Baron Blood
September 10th: A Shot In The Dark
September 11th: The Pink Panther
September 12th: The Return of the Pink Panther
September 13th: The Pink Panther Strikes Again
September 14th: Revenge of the Pink Panther
September 15th: Trail of the Pink Panther
September 16th: The Real Glory
September 17th: The Winning of Barbara Worth
September 18th: The Cowboy and the Lady
September 19th: Dakota
September 20th: Red River
September 21st: Terminal Station
September 22nd: The Search
September 23rd: Act of Violence
September 24th: Houdini
September 25th: Money From Home
September 26th: Papa’s Delicate Condition
September 27th: Dillinger
September 28th: Battle of the Bulge
September 29th: Daisy Kenyon
September 30th: Laura
October 1st: The Dunwich Horror
October 2nd: Experiment In Terror
October 3rd: The Devil’s Rain
October 4th: Race With The Devil
October 5th: Salo, Or The 120 Days of Sodom
October 6th: Bad Dreams
October 7th: The House Where Evil Dwells
October 8th: Memories of Murder
October 9th: The Hunger
October 10th: I Saw What You Did
October 11th: I Spit On Your Grave
October 12th: Naked You Die
October 13th: The Wraith
October 14th: Silent Night, Bloody Night
October 15th: I Bury The Living
October 16th: The Beast Must Die
October 17th: Hellgate
October 18th: He Knows You’re Alone
October 19th: The Thing From Another World
October 20th: The Fall of the House of Usher
October 21st: Audrey Rose
October 22nd: Who Slew Auntie Roo?
October 23rd: Wait Until Dark
October 24th: Dead & Buried
October 25th: A Bucket of Blood
October 26th: The Bloodstained Shadow
October 27th: I, Madman
Readers Talkbackcomments powered by Disqus
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Oct. 29, 2008, 12:23 a.m. CST
With a review like this it sounds like a must get.
Oct. 29, 2008, 12:27 a.m. CST
Opening weekend, so the audience was decent-sized... and I remember how everyone seemed kind of stunned, after it was over and they were filing out, that they'd paid to see this, and sat through it.
Oct. 29, 2008, 12:42 a.m. CST
I watched for Horrormovieaday.com. I didn't write a review though, so I figure that when the day comes that I can no longer remember anything about it and would have to watch it again, I would and that would be the day I step down from my "post". Even now, less than 2 years later, I'm a bit fuzzy on it other than I didn't like it much other than the awesome love scene with the sparks and cheesy rock song.
Oct. 29, 2008, 12:46 a.m. CST
Still enjoying the column.
Oct. 29, 2008, 12:49 a.m. CST
In all that "So bad it's good" thinking? I think Ebert defined true camp as unintentional. The film makers actually believed in what they were doing was a good job. (Battlefield Earth-Dungeons and Dragons)<p> Shouldn't Rocky Horror, 1960's Batman and this movie be called successful comedies?
Oct. 29, 2008, 12:58 a.m. CST
Ed Wood is definitely camp and that's the appeal to it. It's not good filmmaking, but he's taking it so very seriously that you can't help but enjoy it. Rocky Horror is definitely successful at being a bizarre comedy, a satire of sci-fi films that came before it, and the '60s Batman movie is completely aware of what it was. This movie is in some no-man's land between those and true failures. I think this movie was trying to be smarter and better than it ended up being, but is still goofy enough to enjoy.
Oct. 29, 2008, 1 a.m. CST
As Quint said, this movie is so cheap, yet he's right - it's a bit more natural because of it. And there are some kills that really surprised me (the killer even slays - well, something Jason never did). But the ending alone makes Sleepaway Camp amazing in its own right. It is one of the more disturbing (and surprising) endings.
Oct. 29, 2008, 1:50 a.m. CST
I'm impressed dude-- I never thought you'd last this long! How are you holding up-- has there yet been a day where you almost didn't file a review on time? Are you sick of watching movies yet? I hope not-- we're all loving your reports. Great job!
Oct. 29, 2008, 2:41 a.m. CST
Never seen it but I guess I have to before someone ruins whatever this strange ending is.
Oct. 29, 2008, 2:49 a.m. CST
Growing up a teenager in Australia, my parents finally agreed to buy a VHS (we had beta...stupid us) and we could actually go to the video store and not be relegated to one little corner of the store. We could branch out and look at everything. I went directly to the horror section and wow, cheap and nasty titles such as these were 2.95 for five days. Needless to say, i stocked up big. Mum would roll her eyes at my selections, but never once stop me from my horror fetish. God bless her. I discovered a lot of gems and a LOT of crap. Quint...you are sending me back to the video store man. Thankyou. I gotta relive my childhood and stock up on some horror treats I haven't seen in years. Hope my girlfriend doesn't roll HER eyes.
Oct. 29, 2008, 3:09 a.m. CST
The director of Return To Horror high is Bill Froehlich. Froehlich (Or Fröhlich) means happy or cheerful in German. :D
Oct. 29, 2008, 3:09 a.m. CST
I had one published half a day late, but that's the only slip-up so far. Fingers crossed I'll keep it up, but I'm feeling good so far!
Oct. 29, 2008, 3:16 a.m. CST
...the epitome if you will. amazing, awesome, and genuinely better than the films it imitated. can't wait til next week for the new one.
Oct. 29, 2008, 3:18 a.m. CST
Hi Quint! You shoulda read a little more on IMDB. The world of cinema was robbed, when the official sequel to 1976's "Grizzly" went belly-up (as a long-time fan of "Jaws" rip-offs, especially "Grizzly", it saddens me). Anyways, somebody's got some footage of it on YouTube. Where the hell they found it, I got no idea; possibly a garbage dump. Some glimpses of 80s darling Deborah Foreman, but no sign of Clooney, or the bear for that matter, just a shitty 80s song and dance... Check it out. Don't forget to pick your jaw up from the floor. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afTW0E_iNQg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jA699zaY0s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLZ327Hsyu0
Oct. 29, 2008, 6:46 a.m. CST
Quint, I loved Die Monster Die. It's another Lovecraft film, too, being loosely based on "A Colour Out of Space." Great stuff. I think you'll enjoy it.
Oct. 29, 2008, 7:15 a.m. CST
in a good way
Oct. 29, 2008, 7:19 a.m. CST
So good. so pure. so kind. so Impossible. Holy crap the 80's were painful.
Oct. 29, 2008, 7:31 a.m. CST
Congratulations on discovering the new "rick-roll"! Everyone should be punished with that clip ;)
Oct. 29, 2008, 7:58 a.m. CST
When I randomly searched YouTube and stumbled across that stuff, I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven, er... I mean, Hell. Happy to share the pain. I messaged the guy who posted it, but he never replied. I'm betting he has a lot more footage. Maybe we should gang up and bombard him with requests to post everything he has -- this is clearly the "Magnificent Ambersons" of nature gone nuts movies. So good, so pure, so kind. Holy crap indeed! Peace. Out. Cinemaniac
Oct. 29, 2008, 8:20 a.m. CST
by Anna Valerious
Anyhoo... "Oh my God, someone remembered this movie and made a comedy sketch about it!"-"Robot Chicken" on "Sleepaway Camp".
Oct. 29, 2008, 8:54 a.m. CST
was in some shortlived CBS sitcom with, I believe, Jon Cryer..The Fabulous Teddy Z..or something like that. All I remember is that Rocco was awesome in in. Rocco's got one of those classic gangster/sleaseball voices.
Oct. 29, 2008, 9:46 a.m. CST
I got this on Amazon for like $3 and it wasn't worth that. I love Karloff like some people love taffy, but this is a phoned in performance. But I always thought Brendan Hughes was kind of sexy in a Eurofag sort of way.
Oct. 29, 2008, 9:51 a.m. CST
by Major Hockshtetter
This studio churned out the dreckiest of dreck during the Reagan/Bush years... Avenging Angel, CHUD, Body Rock, Reform School Girls. Even luminaries like Ken Russell and John Carpenter got sucked in with Crimes of Passion and Black Moon Rising! Good days, good days...
Oct. 29, 2008, 10:53 a.m. CST
by T 1000 xp professional
we just entered the season for home movies
Oct. 29, 2008, 10:56 a.m. CST
This movie is currently in their rotation and if you have On Demand with them you can watch it anytime.
Oct. 29, 2008, 11:02 a.m. CST
by Lenny Nero
One of the most gleeful movies of all time, horror or night. And oddly romantic.
Oct. 29, 2008, 11:35 a.m. CST
Absolutely the most out of left field line in horror movie history.. I remember thinking "Did that white guy just call that other white guy a honky after pulling off a black man mask"??
Oct. 29, 2008, 11:50 a.m. CST
If I heard the sound HHHHHHHUUUUUU HHHHHHHHUUUUUU HHHHHHHHUUUUUU in deep baritone coming out of my air conditioning ducts after watching Sleepaway Camp, I would burn the house down on general principle. Grandparents be damned.
Oct. 29, 2008, 11:52 a.m. CST
by El Borak
still haven't seen it but in high school one of my friends recommended it to my other friend and they rented it. he said it was the "scariest movie ever made" ha ha! long story short, my close buddy was like "what the fuck!" and told me all about it. ha ha! we made fun of that dude for weeks.
Oct. 29, 2008, noon CST
by El Borak
last night i caught an old "incredible hulk" episode. in it banner befriends a blond-midget-wrestler-dude named "half-nelson". at one point the hulk shows up and grabs a blonde midget lady off the street then lifts her up and stares at her.<br> <br>fucking priceless.
Oct. 29, 2008, 2:32 p.m. CST
Ugh, what a turd. I suppose it could have camp/nostalgia value for some, but Jesus, what a mess. The twist on the ending really had nothing to do with the rest of the movie (or at least the slashy part) and that adopted mother in the beginning and end was utterly fucking painful to watch. Don't bother with it. Some may call it a horror classic, but that's probably only because they remember it being so cool when they were 12.
Oct. 29, 2008, 2:46 p.m. CST
by Lenny Nero
...the twist has everything to do with the rest of the movie (including the slashy parts). Behold an actual reasonable psychological explanation for mass murder in this kind of a movie. <p>And the adopted mother stuff is supposed to be awkward and weird as hell.
Oct. 29, 2008, 3:07 p.m. CST
And the adopted mother had man-hands... genuine, certified man-hands.<BR><BR>Cheap and some horrible acting, but it's the rare type of movie where the bad acting only improves the overall tone of bizarre lunacy. And man-hands.
Oct. 29, 2008, 3:50 p.m. CST
seen it on VHS back in '83-man,what a fucked up F13th clone...not sayin' it's a bad thing at all.the sequels were rather meh,but at least ol' Springsteen and the Estevez's(Charlie and Emilio) have hot sisters. if you want REAL hilarity,watch "Madman" when it pops up on the IFC. OMFG it's sooooo bad!
Oct. 29, 2008, 3:52 p.m. CST
please!!! The Burning has Jason Alexander when he had hair!
Oct. 29, 2008, 4:38 p.m. CST
by Zoviet Squid
I watched it the first time a couple years ago and it definitely left an impression - no childhood nostalgia involved: the ending is fucking nightmare inducing. My girlfriend just recently watched it on my recommendation and now it's one of her favorite horror films, and she's in her mid-30's. It has it all: ridiculous and cheap enough to make you laugh, with some genuine chills to earn it an unlikely place in the pantheon of horror classics.
Oct. 29, 2008, 5:02 p.m. CST
by Matthew Martinez
A friend and I rented Sleepaway Camp several years back. (Nearly ten years! Crap, I feel old!) We were laughing pretty much the whole way through, thinking it cheesy and dumb, and then along came that ending, which shut us right the hell up. After it was over, we just kinda looked at each other, and we each could tell that the other had been scarred for life. (Okay, that's a bit of an exaggerated, but we were both more than a little disturbed.)
Nov. 10, 2008, 7:25 a.m. CST
by The Amazing G
and yeah Sleepaway Camp is fucking funny, but even though I knew about it before-hand the ending defiantly still gave me the creeps
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