I am – Hercules!!

Each of the Big Three networks premieres a show tonight based on a show airing overseas. CBS has “The Eleventh Hour,” ABC has “Life On Mars” and NBC has “Kath & Kim.”

An unfunny comedy adapted for NBC by writer-producer Michelle Nader (“The King of Queens”), “Kath” is about an appallingly self-absorbed mother-daughter team.

The sitcom is teeming with unpleasant characters mouthing terrible jokes. When confronted with the prospect of dancing to hip-hop, Kath’s boyfriend protests, “I wouldn’t want to break a hip. Hop.” Kim says stuff like, “My marriage is over! O.V.U.R.!” (I may be misquoting, but the gags come on a screener I’m determined not to re-watch.)

On the upside, we do get to see a lot of gorgeous Selma Blair making a lot of (admittedly amusing) sour faces while cavorting in her undies and short-shorts and bellyshirts. (Candidly, if she dressed like this in “Zoe Bean” the show might still be on the air.) Also, NBC has wised up to the fact that laughtracks are the worst things ever, and happily does not employ one here.

USA Today gives it one star (out of four) and says:

… programmers have scheduled [NBC] like they're college kids furnishing an apartment out of mom's hand-me-downs and tourist schlock from an over-the-border discount store. The result so far this season is a rare double play: the worst new drama in the camp revival Knight Rider, coupled now with the worst sitcom in the Australian remake Kath & Kim. …

Entertainment Weekly gives it an “C-minus” and says:

… The core problem with K&K is that there's no character to root for. These days, we don't need to identify with sitcom characters or even love them. (Garry Shandling and Ricky Gervais proved that, immortally.) But we do need an occasionally recognizable — if silly — human, or a compelling relationship, to keep us coming back. For all of Shannon's luminescence and Blair's intense glower, neither Kath nor Kim is alive in this way. …

TV Guide gives it a “1” (out of 10) and says:

… Dreadful. …

The New York Times says:

… should be funnier, and could yet be, but the pilot disappoints. …

The Los Angeles Times says:

… a mother/daughter Odd Couple that is drained almost immediately of any comic value except for the black hole of anger and narcissism that is Blair's Kim. Spoiled rotten girls are funny. Spoiled vicious girls are not. … desperately tries to caricature both family dynamics and consumer culture but winds up just abusing its terrific cast.

The Chicago Sun-Times says:

… satiric comedy only works if it's funny. And in this case, it's not. …

The Washington Post says:

… cleverly funny … a frantically tacky fracas. …

The San Francisco Chronicle says:

… goes into the record books on these shores as a contender for worst remake ever. NBC sent the first two episodes of "Kath & Kim," and both were jaw-dropping in their awfulness. …

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says:

NBC's comedy drought continues. New entry "Kath & Kim" offers a few laughs but it's mostly a dumb dud.… an unpleasant way to pass a half-hour.

The Boston Globe says:

… just doesn't cut it. There's something essential missing at the core … "Kath & Kim" is proof - yet again, my friends - that creating a successful sitcom is a stubbornly mysterious process, that even a collection of the very best ingredients can make for a tasteless stew. …

Variety says:

… Snide but not smart, "Kath & Kim" will likely leave American audiences scratching their heads, wondering what Australians saw in the concept -- or if something was seriously lost in translation. The producers have sought to give the project a Yank accent mostly by having their low-class protagonists reference National Enquirer-type gossip about U.S. stars, but the show irritates more than it amuses. Most fans of the better NBC sitcoms surrounding it that say "G'day" probably won't be able to say "G'bye" fast enough. …

The Hollywood Reporter says:

… lacks the charm of the original. Worse, the characters in the NBC show are so exaggerated that the whole thing feels like a skit. A long, long skit. … By the second episode -- about a third of which incongruously takes place in a gay bar -- you're forced to concede that the two characters, as written, have a combined repertoire of a single note.

8:30 p.m. Thursday. NBC.

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