Hola all. Massawyrm here.

Friends, AICNers, countrymen. Lend me your ears. I come to bury Beverly Hills Chihuahua, not to slam it. The evil that men do lives after them; the good interred with their bones; so let it be with Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Look, that trailer devastated us all, reached into our chests and shook us to our very soul. It’s no wonder mashup memes have sprouted up after the Rifftrax boys took the trailer to town in their brilliant Sixth Sense spoof. And it’s no wonder that this film has been spoken of like it were some kind of plague, coming to rot the eyeballs and insides of the parents dragged to it by the shrieking banshees that sprung from their loins only to years later force them to confront their own death onscreen in the form of talking Chihuahuas. But really, it’s not that bad.

This is no cinematic apocalypse, no diabolical endgame. It’s just a lame, boring movie not half as bad as it looks nor half as good as it probably should be. The trailer - the all singing, all dancing Chihuahua ridden eyesore that it is – tells you absolutely nothing about the film, and in fact has little to do with the film at all. It’s just another talking animal movie. In fact, it’s more of an updated, over thought, retread of the kids classic Homeward Bound, with a Hilton-esque princess in the role of the lost pup and Mexico in place of the wilderness. Drew Barrymore plays Chloe, a pampered white Chihuahua owned by a rich Cosmetics CEO (played frighteningly by Jamie Lee Curtis.) When Piper Perabo (a spoiled little rich girl) is left to watch Chloe (the other spoiled little rich girl), things do not go as planned and Chloe ends up kidnapped and in a dog fighting arena in Mexico city. Enter Andy Garcia, a German Shepherd ex-K9 officer who decides to help her find her way back to Beverly Hills.

Now this story is fine – and the kids really dug it, and I mean REALLY DUG IT – but it is the very epitome of what I talk about when I recently discussed KIDS MOVIES in my Clone Wars: Special Edition review. Adults are going to find themselves bored to tears by the unending series of terrible puns and senseless plot threads devised in order to get virtually every working actor of Hispanic descent into the film – Mexican or not. I’m sorry Disney. Cuba and Puerto Rio are not in Mexico. The biggest problem for adults will be the things that this film skirts the shores of but is clearly being just careful enough to avoid.

The main element here is that the primary thrust of the film is the whole rich white girl being romanced by the help subplot that they not only felt was good enough for one character, but two (both Chloe and Piper Perabo are romanced by the Gardener and his Dog – only to rebuff them first then learn about real life and ultimately decide that the Gardener is where it’s at after all.) It’s not that there’s anything particularly wrong with that, but it’s a story that in this day and age is best told with bad lighting, cheap sets and music heavy on the WAH pedal. “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am, I was just coming in for a drink of water.” “Oh, that’s okay – I could use a sip from the hose myself.”

I was also a little dismayed at the Disney-fied Mexican bordertown that Perabo and her spoiled rich girl friends jaunt off to for some fun in the sun. Anyone who’s ever been to a bordertown knows not only does it not look like this, but what actually happens to the girls who look and act like these when they get there. It would be kind of ludicrously funny if kidnapping and the white slave trade wasn’t such a real downer in those WOO HOO party capitals. While I think it would be great if Disney ran their own bordertown like this, something tells me it wouldn’t last very long. Although I had no idea that everyone in Mexico actually speaks English. That was a pleasant surprise. I’ve definitely been to the wrong parts of Mexico.

Throw in just about every Mexican stereotype you can find this side of Don Rickles Hello Dummy and you have a film that isn’t actually offensive, but feels…just not quite right. Fortunately for the kids seeing this, there are two STRONG messages shared in no uncertain terms. Far from being completely irresponsible, there is a segment “No Mas” in which a city of Chihuahuas in the desert speak about how they are dogs and not fashion accessories and they will never again be just something to put in a purse. Also, the very end of the film has a message about how every dog deserves a home for good and that you should only get one if you know you can keep it and care for it for all of its days. Being a dog owner myself and having lived next door to someone who banished their poor pup to be chained in the backyard once it was no longer adorable, this was something I was very happy to see – especially as everyone walked out talking about what kind of dog they wanted to go out and get.

Ultimately, if it weren’t for the trailer, this would turn out exactly as you’d expect from a talking dog movie crafted by the flaccid direction of the man behind Big Momma’s House and the Scooby Doo movies. It’s fairly mindless, meandering entertainment with just enough juvenile humor and cute animals to keep your kids riveted. For 90 minutes. If your kids are old enough to watch a movie on their own drop them and see something else. If not, it won’t kill you, but you’re probably not gonna like it. And if you are otherwise spawn-free there’s no reason for you to even consider coming near this. It's not the worst film of the year, nor even worthy of the bottom 10. It is a film that will best be remembered for the abomination its trailer hinted at. Nothing more.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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