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Massawyrm yawns and ultimately shrugs at BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA!!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Friends, AICNers, countrymen. Lend me your ears. I come to bury Beverly Hills Chihuahua, not to slam it. The evil that men do lives after them; the good interred with their bones; so let it be with Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Look, that trailer devastated us all, reached into our chests and shook us to our very soul. It’s no wonder mashup memes have sprouted up after the Rifftrax boys took the trailer to town in their brilliant Sixth Sense spoof. And it’s no wonder that this film has been spoken of like it were some kind of plague, coming to rot the eyeballs and insides of the parents dragged to it by the shrieking banshees that sprung from their loins only to years later force them to confront their own death onscreen in the form of talking Chihuahuas. But really, it’s not that bad.
This is no cinematic apocalypse, no diabolical endgame. It’s just a lame, boring movie not half as bad as it looks nor half as good as it probably should be. The trailer - the all singing, all dancing Chihuahua ridden eyesore that it is – tells you absolutely nothing about the film, and in fact has little to do with the film at all. It’s just another talking animal movie. In fact, it’s more of an updated, over thought, retread of the kids classic Homeward Bound, with a Hilton-esque princess in the role of the lost pup and Mexico in place of the wilderness. Drew Barrymore plays Chloe, a pampered white Chihuahua owned by a rich Cosmetics CEO (played frighteningly by Jamie Lee Curtis.) When Piper Perabo (a spoiled little rich girl) is left to watch Chloe (the other spoiled little rich girl), things do not go as planned and Chloe ends up kidnapped and in a dog fighting arena in Mexico city. Enter Andy Garcia, a German Shepherd ex-K9 officer who decides to help her find her way back to Beverly Hills.
Now this story is fine – and the kids really dug it, and I mean REALLY DUG IT – but it is the very epitome of what I talk about when I recently discussed KIDS MOVIES in my Clone Wars: Special Edition review. Adults are going to find themselves bored to tears by the unending series of terrible puns and senseless plot threads devised in order to get virtually every working actor of Hispanic descent into the film – Mexican or not. I’m sorry Disney. Cuba and Puerto Rio are not in Mexico. The biggest problem for adults will be the things that this film skirts the shores of but is clearly being just careful enough to avoid.
The main element here is that the primary thrust of the film is the whole rich white girl being romanced by the help subplot that they not only felt was good enough for one character, but two (both Chloe and Piper Perabo are romanced by the Gardener and his Dog – only to rebuff them first then learn about real life and ultimately decide that the Gardener is where it’s at after all.) It’s not that there’s anything particularly wrong with that, but it’s a story that in this day and age is best told with bad lighting, cheap sets and music heavy on the WAH pedal. “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am, I was just coming in for a drink of water.” “Oh, that’s okay – I could use a sip from the hose myself.”
I was also a little dismayed at the Disney-fied Mexican bordertown that Perabo and her spoiled rich girl friends jaunt off to for some fun in the sun. Anyone who’s ever been to a bordertown knows not only does it not look like this, but what actually happens to the girls who look and act like these when they get there. It would be kind of ludicrously funny if kidnapping and the white slave trade wasn’t such a real downer in those WOO HOO party capitals. While I think it would be great if Disney ran their own bordertown like this, something tells me it wouldn’t last very long. Although I had no idea that everyone in Mexico actually speaks English. That was a pleasant surprise. I’ve definitely been to the wrong parts of Mexico.
Throw in just about every Mexican stereotype you can find this side of Don Rickles Hello Dummy and you have a film that isn’t actually offensive, but feels…just not quite right. Fortunately for the kids seeing this, there are two STRONG messages shared in no uncertain terms. Far from being completely irresponsible, there is a segment “No Mas” in which a city of Chihuahuas in the desert speak about how they are dogs and not fashion accessories and they will never again be just something to put in a purse. Also, the very end of the film has a message about how every dog deserves a home for good and that you should only get one if you know you can keep it and care for it for all of its days. Being a dog owner myself and having lived next door to someone who banished their poor pup to be chained in the backyard once it was no longer adorable, this was something I was very happy to see – especially as everyone walked out talking about what kind of dog they wanted to go out and get.
Ultimately, if it weren’t for the trailer, this would turn out exactly as you’d expect from a talking dog movie crafted by the flaccid direction of the man behind Big Momma’s House and the Scooby Doo movies. It’s fairly mindless, meandering entertainment with just enough juvenile humor and cute animals to keep your kids riveted. For 90 minutes. If your kids are old enough to watch a movie on their own drop them and see something else. If not, it won’t kill you, but you’re probably not gonna like it. And if you are otherwise spawn-free there’s no reason for you to even consider coming near this. It's not the worst film of the year, nor even worthy of the bottom 10. It is a film that will best be remembered for the abomination its trailer hinted at. Nothing more.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
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Taco Bell commercial? Let me guess, Cheech Marin has a major role or cameo?
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Oct 03, 2008 8:46:12 AM CDT
Piper Perabo was nude in the unrated edition of Coyote Ugly
by shut the fuck up donny
That's all I've got.
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Making Scrappy Doo the villain? I'd like to see Zach Snyder top that with whatever this comic adaptation it is he's working on.
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I didn't know about that! Tell me more, i need to know :)
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Seriously. That's time of your life you'll never get back.
So is me, posting this talkback message.
Oh god. -
Im sure dozens of talkbackers send in reviews of sneak preview flicks but AICN runs this review about this shit family film? Are you guys that desperate for any kinds of reviews cause if you are then why dont you run work from new writers? I cant believe Mass saw and reviewed this.
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HAHA! Let's completely get off topic, as I don't give a shit about this movie...
It's after the scene where her new beau tries to help her overcome her fear of singing by having her perform in front of all the celebrity cutouts, and she does that little strip-tease. In the unedited version, you see them do the nasty, and you see nipples-a-go-go. They're good nipples too.
I am ashamed I have ever seen this film, but my local gym had this movie playing while I was on the treadmill.
I suspect the gym owners didn't pay attention to the movies their employees were putting in the DVD player.
But I digress. I saw Peraboobies. -
you need to see "Lost & Delirious".
Plenty of Peraboobies! -
Who knew she was so...ahem...prolific?
I will have to investigate!
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I love me some Piper Perabo:
http://www.wosting.com/famosas-desnudas-nude-celebrities-famous/fotos/Piper%20peralbo/Dann-Piper_Perabo-Jessica_Pare-Lost_And_Delirious.jpg -
http://tinyurl.com/46cvem
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i don't even know why disney bothered to make this to kick off nationwide real.d but hey at least it's the best they could do after last year's godawful the game plan.
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I might actually go see this crap if that's the case. Or at least sneak into the beginning.
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I guess that proves how predictable Hollywood is.
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I cannot believe that you actually spent so much time talking about this movie....7 paragraphs??? I think that maybe 2 would have been good enough. 7 made my eyes bleed.
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Isn't it more similar to "Bingo" with that plot description?
Sorry. I'll go away now. -
Fuck that shit! Milo and Otis! Blue Ribbon!
This movie needs Hopper. -
'nuff said,
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then yes, I agree they should be dropped. Pick those mid-size fuckers up, and just let go.
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Where's the foam and froth, Massa?!? ;)
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And I didn't read the TB. I feel it is much more important to express my feeling that this movie must not be seen by humanity. That one set of eyes has, is a travesty against the laws that govern good taste. That money was spent on it's production is an insult to the poor of the planet. That God Almighty has not smote the people responsible for it's coming to being is proof that He is merciful. That I have gotten this far is tribute to my own hyperbole.
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This pile of crap is just Disney pandering to the flood of fucking Mexicans taking over our country.
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Someone help me. Is that supposed to be funny? Is that a joke? Is there a "flood of fucking Mexicans taking over our country"? Do the citizenry of Mexico enjoy horribly bad movies featuring startlingly bad musical numbers featuring dancing and singing chihuahuas? And are the Mexican immigrants who enter the States really the demographic that Disney is shooting for? Do you think Guver1138 is a white guy? Have I asked enough questions?
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Mexican immigrants, legal or otherwise, probably aren't going to spend their REALLY hard-earned money on this especially when there's still a few good movies in the theaters, and Iron Man just came out on DVD. :)
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don't worry, they will just by the pirated copy of this movie. (in Mexico, there are probably copies of this movie on the streets by now)..and by the way, I am latino (just not of Mexican desent, but from a tiny country that was the setting of an Oliver Stone film).
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that's a politially harged statement, Apone...
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Not all of the AICN talkback is composed of pimply 14 year olds or 40 year olds still in their mother's basement slowly anticipating word on the latest Nolan release. Some of us are grown ass people with families, and yeah, do have kids that may want to see this, so they damn well better review kids' movies so I know what's up.
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And that it would reflect on a PERFECT, hilarious Massa review. But oh well, good job anyway. Jamie Lee Curtis is looking TERRIBLE in this film! It seems she aged 30 years between True Lies and this! But she is probably the only thing merely watchable in this film, and I scratch my head of thinking of her being on it. Also, are either Cheech and/or Chong in it?
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[face, meet palm] Jesus, 25 years later, and they're STILL doing Scarface jokes?! And in kiddie movies, no less, which makes even LESS sense (what five year old will get that?). I can't watch the original movie anymore and enjoy the "classic" lines, because they've been satirized (i.e. blankly repeated) so often they've lost whatever profane dazzle they used to have. Stop quoting Scarface in bad kiddie movies!!!
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that I wasn't siding with the anti-hispanic sentiment expressed in Guyver's totally ignorant post, right?
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I was so excited!
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Since I heard Tippett studio did effects for it. Sure it looks awful and I've resisted watching Pearl Harbour so far but it sucks being an effects whore. I do have two 5-year-old girls though. Hmmm. That could work...
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I'm shocked...SHOCKED that this writer didn't like BHC.
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it was quite better than the trailers would lead u to believe..sure it was a cliche, rehashed story done with dogs and a rat and iguana...but it was quite heartwarming....i especially liked andy garcia as delgado...perfect voice for the role..and his "theme" music was great...the mexican stereotypes were minimal....plus u could tell that the voice actors were having a ball making this movie..the only parts that did seem fake were the cg rat and iguana...great movie, even if you have no kids..go see it.
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