Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. This sounds vaguely rancid, but in the way that I’m sure will attract some fans. After watching one of my DVD volumes of 42ND STREET FOREVER this afternoon, I’m in the mood for some crazy trash right now, and at the very least, I’m enjoying this review as a quick fix:
Hi there. I'm a longtime reader, but I have never contributed anything before. I noticed that there was no reviews for Blitzkreig. I had the opportunity to see this movie on Friday and felt compelled to describe the experience. I have seen the latest cinematic contribution to the micro niche genre, Nazi Exploitation. I bore witness to Blitzkrieg at the Two Boots Pioneer Theater in New York City . I was given my complimentary barf bag on my way into the theater. From that point forward, I ready view the sadistic exploits of one Helmut Schultz, commander of Stalag 69. There are a lot of characters in Blitzkrieg that might make the story hard to follow for some. Each of the characters are given enough screen time to identify them as the story progresses, because the scenes are long extremely talkie. Writer, Producer, Director Keith Crocker provides the audience with speeches reminiscent of Shakespeare--not for their poetry, but for their philosophic content. I was reminded of the speeches one might hear in an Ed Wood movie or a good B movie romp from the 50s and 60s. Blitzkrieg assaults the audience with speech after speech after speech and there are a few more speeches thrown in for some flavor. It is clear that the creative team is no fan of the Nazis. I made note on the Blitzkrieg website that Uwe Boll feels that this movie should be shown in schools to remind the kids of WWII atrocities. That’s right, I said UWE BOLL! Blitzkrieg is for the “bad movie connoisseurs” of the world. A BMC can see past low production value. A BMC will rate the experience on the gore money shots and a sheer ridiculousness quotient. If I were stalking my local video store with my friends, I would the empty Blitzkrieg box aloft and declare the movie be placed on the must view list. I would then face the ridicule for picking it as we watched the gore and madness unfold. Blitzkrieg doesn’t disappoint at all in the gore department. The torture scenes are harsh, exquisitely viscous and induced a cringe or two from me…a BMC of refined tastes. (I just love low budget movies.) I give Blitzkrieg high marks for faux torture and the giddy glee of the torturers. Blitzkrieg is wondrously ridiculous. Charles Esser plays Helmut Schultz like the Berger Meister, Meister Berger who hates Christmas in that old CBS Christmas special from back in the day. The major difference is Helmut would have castrated Kris Cringle in the first fifteen minutes. Helmut’s side kick, Wolfgang is played by Steve Montague. He provides some nice depraved mugging that gave me a chuckle along the way. For me, the pinnacle ridiculous moment in Blitzkrieg came when a captured USO girl was forced to perform for Helmut. Tammy Dalton, playing Candice, breaks into an entire cabaret number. The camera stays on her the whole time. It was like the end of Kubrick’s Paths to Glory, accept it was in the middle of the movie, lacked emotional impact and there was dancing around a wooden chair. Tammy plays a role in the escape plan later in the movie with the help of Brenda Cooney playing Lucille. Cooney rocks an Irish accent coupled with her very intense blue eyes. The real stand out performance comes from Tatyana Kott as Nastasha the bad-ass Russian stealth fighter. She enters the movie in grand fashion. After brutally murdering a German soldier in a bath tub, she dashes, naked, through the forest laying waste to Germans as she runs. She is captured and brought to Stalag 69 wear she endures the tortures du jour. She is a trooper of low budget cinema and I hope I get to see her more movies in the future. Let’s see a naked Angelina Jolie kill a bunch of Nazis in her birthday suit! She’s got nothing on Tatyana Kott. She’s really hot too. Call me! Over all, I would recommend this 2 hour gore filled prison break epic to all those who have rented a VHS copy of “I Spit on your Grave” and actually enjoyed the experience. The audience that I saw this movie with seemed to get the joke. I had fun in the Pioneer Theater on Blitzkrieg night. I still have my unused barf bag. I shall cherish it until I vomit I it! Call me the BMC.
