Hey everybody. Caponein Chicago here.

I'll admit, there's a small part of me that was really looking forward to this retread of the classic Roger Corman-produced DEATH RACE 2000. I dig Jason Statham for the simple fact that he might be our last true action hero under 50 who can actually act. I'm always curious what Ian McShane is up to, even thought most of his film work of late is junk. And the idea of Joan Allen as a foul-mouthed, evil prison warden reignites a lifetime's worth of dominatrix fantasies. Then there are the negatives. I've never thought much of Tyrese Gibson as an actor with the exception of one movie—Baby Boy. Newcomer Natalie Martinez is hotter than hell, until she opens her mouth to speak. And then there's writer-director Paul W.S. Anderson, maker of such cinematic afterbirths as MORTAL COMBAT, EVENT HORIZON, SOLDIER, and ALIEN VS. PREDATOR. I'll admit to having some fun with RESIDENT EVIL, but his best movie remains his first, 1994's SHOPPING, with a very young Jude Law in his first starring role. Perhaps the worst sin this film commits is that there are no civilians to run down for extra points. Damn you, Anderson!

DEATH RACE is set in the near future in an America whose economy has collapsed, the jobless rate is astronomical and crime is at an all-time high, complete with a prison system bursting at the seams. I'm not really clear how the Death Race is meant to quell the nation's ills (perhaps keeping citizens glued to their computers to watch this race keeps them from committing crimes), but the warden (Allen) of the Terminal Island Correctional Facility has devised a car race around her prison where all the drivers are inmates and death is a more likely outcome for most competitors than finishing. The tricked out cars are loaded with guns, armor, smoke, oil slicks, tire spikes, flamethrowers, napalm and the occasional RPG.

Statham plays Jensen Ames, a steel worker and former racecar driver who is framed for his wife's murder and just happens to land in Allen's prison. What are the odds? Allen needs him not to drive as himself but as a recently killed superstar driver named Frankenstein (David Carradine played this role in the original film), whose face has been so horribly disfigured during his races that he wears a metal mask. If you win five races, you get released. Frankenstein has four wins, and the warden has promised Ames his freedom if he wins one more. Ames is given a navigator (Martinez) from the nearby women's prison, and the games begin. Naturally, the warden fucks with the drivers a bit during the race to maximize the drama and drive up the PPV ratings. Gibson takes over the Sylvester Stallone role as rival driver Machine Gun Joe, who keeps a scorecard of on-track kills on his face in the form of self-inflicted scars, so we know he's tough.

When all is said and done, most of what the characters do and say in DEATH RACE defies logic, sense, intelligence, strategy or any sense of believability. In other words, the entire movie feels like bullshit. Sure, some of the racing sequences are exciting and vicious, but we can pretty much guess after the first 20 minutes who's going to live and who dies. Anderson's one strength is coming up with some interesting and graphic kills, and on that front he doesn't let us down. But everywhere else you look, DEATH RACE is one ton of shit hurling at you at 100 mph. My bus ride home after the screening of this movie had more suspense and thrills. Ah, the end of August blockbusters is upon us.

-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com