Hola all. Massawyrm here.

Hell yeah! I’ve been waiting a long time to get these two guys in the same room together. And now they’re making a film! On one hand you have the baddest of the bad ass, one of the fathers of Gansta Rap, Mr. NWA himself ICE CUBE! And on the other you have the ass beating, knuckle-cracking father of the family Values tour and purveyor of Angry-at-your-dad rap/metal, Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst. Making a movie. Together. Holy shit! This is gonna be the meanest, hardest, mother fuckiest slam bang movie about…the…the…first girl to be a quarterback for Pop Warner football? Wait. WTF? Fred Durst? THE Fred Durst? He’s directing Ice Cube. THE Ice Cube. In a heartwarming kids movie? ABOUT A GIRL PLAYING FOOTBALL? Wait, wait, wait. I know what you’re thinking. Girls can’t play football. But trust me. There’s nothing in the rulebook that says a girl can’t play…they check.

I would LOVE to have been a fly on the wall of that meeting.

DURST: So yeah, man. I was thinking. My careers slowing down and I keep watching these Rob Zombie movies thinking “Yeah, I could do that. I could direct.” So where do I pick up my contract and check?

STUDIO TYPE: Well, Mr. Durst, what did you have in mind?

DURST: Well, whatever it is it’s gotta have girls. Someone young, you know? And maybe some badass music-type. I still have connections in the industry. I could get someone. Someone really badass. You know what I’m talking about?

STUDIO TYPE: (Smiling) Yes. Yes, I think we have just the thing for you.

You know, when Durst sang “hope you know I pack a chain saw, I'll skin your ass raw, and if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break your fuckin' face tonight!!” I don’t remember the next line being “And then I’m goin’ to direct a touching film about a down and out town finding its heart when a 13 year old girl decides to play football.” Maybe I just wasn’t listening close enough.

Okay, now that I have all that out of my system…wait. Hold on. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay - now it’s out – so how was the movie? About what you’d expect from an Ice Cube led family film. The guy’s making a career out of modestly budgeted, fire and forget kids movies. As many of you might remember from Friday, I posted something of a rant in my Clone Wars piece in which I discussed the difference between a Children’s Film and a Kid’s Movie. This is without a doubt a Kid’s Movie. You’ve seen this before 150 times, mostly while you were growing up. The local team is losing badly and someone discovers some real talent in the unlikeliest of places. In this case in the arm of a 13 year old girl. Based on a true story, the girl goes on to inspire an entire town that has been devastated by the closing of a local plant, and takes a losing team all the way to the Pop Warner Superbowl. Ice Cube plays her uncle, one of the town’s unemployed lowlifes who finds himself again by teaching his niece how to play the sport he loved so much when he was young.

While not as dopey or gag driven as Are We There Yet? or Are We Done Yet?, this is no less for just the younger crowd. It’s not exactly Is He Coach Yet?, but it does get laughable at a few points when they wheel out some of the creaky old clichés – up to and including the heart attack that forces this down on his luck uncle to have to step up and play coach. What’s weird is that the first half of the movie is very much a film about a young fatherless girl trying to find acceptance and struggling to prove herself when she finds that she has an unlikely talent. But once the team accepts her, the movie kind of forgets about her and follows Ice Cube as he goes off on his own personal journey.

There are plenty of flaws to be found. A romantic subplot that gets attention for a while only to be completely abandoned. A cardboard cutout mom character who pops in and out for the sake of humor and to remind us that it is not Cube’s kid we’re watcing. A complete lack of development of every other kid on the team. And Durst’s style is nothing to write home about either. He’s clearly borrowing bits here and there from the visual palate of the Disney football films like Remember the Titans and Invincible, but it always feels like an imitation rather than a genuine application of the style. The games aren’t particularly exciting – but then again, if you’ve ever watched Pop Warner, well, it is much more about the kids than it is the excitement of the game.

Cube certainly seems to be trying, though. He starts off the movie seemingly bored as the mumbling, shiftless bum of an out of work uncle. But as soon as he finds a purpose he makes a slow transition into the Cube we know and love, barking out inspirational speeches that not only will win those kids games, but have them ripping off heads and shitting down necks while they do it.

If you have kids and they’re clamoring for it, sitting through this won’t kill you. In fact, if anything you might get a little enjoyment out of the Uncle-becoming-the-father-figure thing this has going on (including potential misty moment.) It’s cute enough for what it is and never gets annoying or dull, but otherwise there’s no real reason to see this. It was nice to see Garrett Morris get a little work again (he has a small role), but this is EXACTLY what it looks like with almost no surprises. If your kids haven’t put it on your radar, there’s no real reason for it to be. But it is relatively painless if it is.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

Got something for the Wyrm? Mail it here.