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No Embargo Issues Here! Mr. Beaks Infiltrates THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2!
The best thing about THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2 being so wretchedly unwatchable is that I think I can pan it without coming off as a raging misogynist.
I've read most of the reviews for SISTERHOOD DEUX almost all of the way through, and the consensus seems to be that it is a rare and ultimately laudable achievement because it refuses to depict teenage girls as insatiable fuck machines. Since this is the kind of bar-lowering that got GANDHI a Best Picture Oscar, I feel it is my duty to take the contrary position, which is that the Sanaa Hamri-directed sequel is as spiritually nourishing as a random episode of THE FACTS OF LIFE, only not as artfully done.
Having only seen fragments of the first film on cable, I wasn't exactly hot to check out the sequel - and the involvement of music video-director Hamri, who evinced zero aptitude for feature filmmaking with the incompetently shot SOMETHING NEW, only further sapped my desire to blow two hours on an all-media screening. I was all set to blissfully miss out on the TRAVELING PANTS phenomenon for a second time until a couple of my friends decided it would be amusing to pester me into accompanying them to an opening night showing at the Mann's Chinese 6. I'm proud to say I resisted all entreaties until booze entered the equation, at which point I folded like a paper crane; I'll sit through CANNIBAL FEROX a third time if you promise to get me hammered.
I don't mean to condone animal cruelty, but I really do think I'd rather watch an anaconda consume an anteater - at no consequence to the plot! - than see three generally appealing actresses (and America Ferrera) get stranded with rotten material like this. Though the producers were smart enough to bring back talented screenwriter Elizabeth Chandler, they apparently set her up to fail by insisting that she conflate the action of the three subsequent novels. This results in a flurry of incident and conflict that can't possibly be adequately resolved within the already laborious two-hour run time. It also wipes out any chance for additional character development (beyond what I missed in the first film, I guess), which is a shame since I can't think of too many movies that attempt to dramatize - in a non-lascivious manner - the early twentysomething transition into womanhood. High school gets a lot of run for obvious reasons, but college is largely passed up. Perhaps my memory is failing, but I can't recall a recent film featuring anything as genuine as Scarlett Johansson's adorably uncertain dorm-room seduction of Topher Grace in Paul Weitz's IN GOOD COMPANY.
Aside from the amusing sight of Amber Tamblyn and her boyfriend (Leonard Nam) making do with a bottle of cheap red wine poured into tall plastic cups, authenticity loses out big time to cliche: artist Alexis Bledel falls for a nude model (to the abrupt strains of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Suck My Kiss"), Blake Lively pines for some maternal bonding (first from the whiskey-throated Shohreh Aghdashloo, then from a squandered Blythe Danner), and America Ferrera goes from lowly stage manager to Perdita in a summer stock production of THE WINTER'S TALE. I swear all three of these plot devices appeared on BEVERLY HILLS 90210.
As if taking its cue from the Nielsen ratings, Hamri and Chandler emphasize the storyline concerning UGLY BETTY'S Ferrara - which is a partial blessing in that as we get to spend more time with Kyle MacLachlan, who hams it up as a vain theater director (major missed opportunity: he shares no screen time with the daughter of Dr. Lawrence Jacoby). Unfortunately, this decision strands us with the cloyingly sweet Ferrera, whose charms have eluded me since her debut in the obnoxiously overrated REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES. Though merely awful as the apparent "glue" of the sisterhood (i.e. she seems more obsessed with the significance of the pants than the other girls), she kicks it up into shrill incompetence when forced to be "enchanting" as the orphaned Perdita. Self-discovery thorough the performance of Shakespeare is a pet peeve of mine, and the pain is double when the actor who's allegedly excelling in the role has no grasp of iambic pentameter.
That said, the most disastrous segment of SISTERHOOD 2 deals with Lively's pointless summer at an archaeological dig in Turkey, which ends when she decides to visit her ridiculously Southern grandmama (from whom she's been shielded for reasons that never make a whole lot of sense). Danner's drawl is so overblown, they might as well have thrown in a few "I do declares" just to complete the stereotype. Lively, on the other hand, looks like she's too anxious to get back to work on GOSSIP GIRL to bother bonding with her veteran costar. It's scintillating stuff.
Almost as useless is Bledel's flirtation with her buff man-subject (Jesse Williams), which coincides with her Greek boyfriend (George Papadapolis) getting caught up in some pregnancy mischief with a very hideous woman. I don't know what happened to Bledel in the years between the cancelation of GILMORE GIRLS and the shooting of SISTERHOOD 2, but "eating" was not one of them.
If the first film really is exceptional for being a smarter-than-average stab at young female empowerment, then this movie must be the laziest cash-in since WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II. By the time the film sprints for its literally pants-less conclusion - though not in the way most of this readership would prefer it - so as to avoid an egregious 120-minute-plus run time, it's clear than Hamri and Chandler have purposely exhausted the remainder of Ann Brashares's series at the behest of the studio (and, most likely, the representation of the four leading ladies). It's an act of cruelty against the fans of the original - and it's too damn bad most of them aren't old enough to suffer through it with a two-Margarita buzz.
Faithfully submitted,
Mr. Beaks
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I remember that girl in junior high. I wanted to go in her pants. And then Harry pulled his review.
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...opening paragraph of the year on AICN. I don't even think I can read the rest of the review now. I don't think I need to.
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whatchoo talkin' bout willis?
i don't blame you for succumbing to the american beauty standards of skinny white 12-year-old-boy-bodied girls, but try, just try to look past it.do you just not talk to 'normal' looking girls, have you ever had a girlfriend that didn't have a staple in her abdomen and a stain on her face?
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Where's that party at?
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Aug 11, 2008 8:56:38 PM CDT
" it refuses to depict teenage girls as insatiable fuck machines
by bass ackwards
Well I guess I'll just be saving my money then.
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Can't be worse than the Love Guru.
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What does it say of Amber Tamblyn, who has been garnering the best reviews of the foursome, that you didn't even mention her once in this review? Personally I can't stand her but that's just me, and I still have to watch Stephanie Daley...
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timing is everything
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And it's not that I didn't mention Tamblyn; it's that I preferred not to implicate her. (Though I did drop her name in passing.)
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I've only seen one, and that was directed by Mr. James Cameron. Oh, wait, I got dragged into The Hours by an ex of mine, but I dug it. Ed Harris had the coolest "WTF" moment of the year. He just jumped. And, I'm like "10 Points!"
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Anyways, it looked like ass. Considering that TDK was the only good movie since february, I guess the Shit List '08 will be some painful job to do comes december.
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His name is not George whatever you said. His name is Matthew Rady and he's currently a castmember on Swingtown. Wouldn't have been THAT difficult to fact check.
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I endured the first one. Seeing as how I no longer have a girlfriend, I will not be seeing the second one. And by the way, America Fernando is fat and ugly. And I want to see Alexis whatever naked. That's really all I have to say on the matter.
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Ha! Good one, Beaks.BTW - got any inside scoop on THE ROAD?
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Looking forward to it, though (even if I though THE PROPOSITION was too one-note).
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I guess you never watched "Webster"...
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I enjoyed THE PROPOSITION but I think I understand where you are coming from regarding the "one-note" vibe.It's interesting to note that, in terms of Cormac McCarthy-like atmosphere, Hillcoat may have very well directed a near-BLOOD MERIDIAN with THE PROPOSITION. So, I thought it no mere coincidence when it was announced he was doing THE ROAD.I was hoping AICN would run the USA Today story that featured several new shots from the film. It looks like they nailed the look of the characters and the bleakness of the landscape.
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DOOM'S pants also travel...normally after a night of those accursed Jagerbombs!
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Well, when predicting Mr. Beaks' review I said it couldn't possibly be Sisterhood, as it would be amazing, but it was in there somehow.Just to save you watching the first one, Mr. B (which I'm sure you're desperate to do now that you've sat through this one), it is utterly forgettable except for all of the America Ferrera subplots, which are touching and well-performed by her and her onscreen asshole dad Bradley Whitford, and contained enough memorable moments to generate a bit of good will toward the movie. If I watched it again, though, I'd think it was shit. It's not built for repeated viewings.
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...I guess that likeable plot-thread would not work on you, what with your inexplicable resistance to the infinite charm and talent of America Ferrera and all that. For shame!Seriously, she's really good in the first one.
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No offense MrBeaks, I like your reviews, but Massa really excels in evicerating this particular genre. Probably because we all know he secretly loves BRATS and must maintain the manly facade in public. Then again after surviving Sex and the City, he may never be able to review another chick-flick again.
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im surprised at the quality and length of this review. wtf
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Aug 11, 2008 11:32:32 PM CDT
Beaks.. bro. You should slap whoever made you watch that shit
by stengah
Id rather jerk myself off with razor wire than watch another one of those flicks.
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You really like this movie and you have the have the hots for America Ferrera. Got it.
As for me, I wouldn't mind an Alexis/Lively sandwich. But that's just me. -
This movie was the ultimate cash-in, they forced the girls to do it and rushed it out with no script. Worst director ever. Worst script ever. It's HILARIOUS that this movie was even released. Basically the blame lies with America Ferrara for accepting sequel money during the first movie. She essentially cost herself the million dollars she could have made for $30,000!!! HAHAHAHAHA as one of Alcon's rival production companies, lemme just say that you losers are EATING IT. 10 mil for the weekend?! HAHAHAHA WHAT A BOMB! Next time you force young girls into a movie with no script, try to make some fucking money. And just so you know, one of our movies this summer grossed twice what yours will and it wasn't even a hit. FUCK YOU ALCON. Pathetic losers. Make a real movie.
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The other girls should have said no. We'll see if they have careers from here on out.
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Left behind in San Francisco, Bra travels 3,000 miles back to New York to find it's perfect pair of titties.
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Beaks, I feel for you, man. I feel for you.
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Maybe Pixar could animate this!
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Film at Eleven.
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i too would have thought it sucked HAD I LACKED A HEART!
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I mean, just saying.
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I saw some previews for this, and the above phrase is all I could ever muster regarding it. The "2" at the end of the title is what befuddled me... there was a part 1 with such a horrendus title? What is this shit? Why is this cool news?
Props on the Cannibal Ferox shout out though... I remember watching that a number of years ago and loving the trailers that were on the tape - Cat In The Brain, Dr. Butcher MD (Medical Deviate). Or was that Cannibal Holocaust that I watched? Or are they the same movie? Does it matter? Fuck. -
The actor's name is actually Michael Rady. He's in this little indie film that looks pretty badass. Apparently the missing fuck machines are on the teaser for the film: http://tinyurl.com/5brtge
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Getting drunk for free in exchange for seeing a shitty movie? Sounds like a deal to me. I should have been given a shot just for watching the trailer to The Love Guru...
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