Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

Somewhere buried deep beneath the vapid pit that is the third film of THE MUMMY franchise is a somewhat interesting tale about the evil Emperor Han (Jet Li) who threatens to become immortal and take over the world with his massive army. The beautiful conjurer Zi Juan (Michelle Yeoh), not trusting the emperor, puts a curse on him that renders him and his army into statue-like creatures who are eventually buried in a tomb for centuries. In fact, whenever Yeoh and Li are on screen together, there's still a touch of the old Hong Kong magic left in them and between them. (The pair last shared the screen in the wildly impressive TAI CHI MASTER, which was just re-released on DVD.)

But then we have to deal with Brendan Fraser, returning as the wisecracking adventurer Rick O'Connell, and a British accented Maria Bello playing his wife, Evelyn (a part Rachel Weisz played in the first two films). John Hannah's Jonathan eventually appears, and no one will care. As for new characters, we get the grown-up version of Rick and Evenyn's son Alex (Luke Ford), who has secretly dropped out of school to move to China and find the remains of the tomb of the evil emperor and his army. Mom and Dad are recruited out of retirement to take a priceless gem to China as a gift to the government, but shockingly enough the big old rock pulls the older and younger generations into an overly complex series of adventures and bullshit mythology involving a trek into the Himalayas, a few Yeti monsters, the lost city of Shangri-La and a fountain that gives one who submerges himself into it eternal life. I love that Hong Kong legend Anthony Wong has been drafted to play a modern Chinese army general whose secret plan is to free the Emperor and his huge army. But having such a consummate professional in this film seem such as absolute waste of time.

Director Cohn (the craftsman responsible for THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, XXX and STEALTH) has an eye like Michael Bay and sometimes Bay's cinematic heart as well. And this third MUMMY outing weirdly resembles the last film in that Jet Li (like The Rock before him) barely appears in the film at all. He's in the very beginning and at the very end, but for the rest of the film he's some weird CGI version of himself that could have very easily been a motion-capture version of just about any actor. It feels like a bit of a rip off. Isabella Long is on hand as Yeoh's daughter, who helps her make certain that the revived Emperor Han does not succeed to achieving full immortality.

Most of the special effects in this film look horribly fake. The Yeti, in particular, are pathetic, while the revived army look slightly better since they are only meant to look like terra cotta figures. I did sort of appreciate the look of the second army that Yeoh brings to life, made up of the dead bodies of the men who helped build the Great Wall and were buried under it when they died or became useless.

My biggest problem with TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR is the same problem I had with the NATIONAL TREASURE films: the action is so-so and the problem-solving methods employed here are non-existent. Right when a moment where brains could be called into play occurs, one of the characters just happens to have the answer or a new character is introduced who has the answer. There are no brains behind this movie or its plot at all. Also Cohen shoots many of his action sequences, especially hand-to-hand combat, in close-up, thus denying us the pleasure of watching an actual fight sequence. Any scene that contains large doses of fakery, he pulls the camera back as if to admire his own visual effects. But when it's time to watch skilled fighters like Jet Li or Michelle Yeoh, the camera pulls in. Makes no damn sense. I was in a lot of pain watching this movie; it assaulted my cinematic sensibility at every turn and wasted some truly gifted performers, especially Yeoh, who has become as good an actor in recent years as she was a fighter and stunt performer in years past. Not a shocker that the movie's no damn good, but my hopes were elevated due to the Hong Kong elements. I've learned my lesson.

-Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com