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Masswyrm Wishes He Could Unwatch THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here. Not since the summer of ’82 have we had a season so spectacularly awesome, so distinctly geeky, as what we’ve just finished going through. 12 solid weeks of ass kicking science fiction/fantasy/animated/super hero badassery that has left even the pickiest and most effete among you happy with at least a handful of films. Name another summer that even comes close. ‘99. MAYBE. No, it’s been an incredible year for us. Now, the reason I bring this up is that in any other summer, most critics would give The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor a pass. Sure they’d complain about the acting, the story, the shameless pandering to the “dumb American audience.” But then they would verbally shrug, acknowledge the very same “dumb American audience” this was made for and say “Yeah, but it’s not that bad for a summer movie.” That is, they would say that in any other summer. But not this year. Not this summer. Not after seeing 3 straight months of intelligently written, well constructed LOUD, ACTION PACKED THRILLS, CHILLS AND LAUGHS. Not after one of the smartest, darkest movies of the year has broken record after record on its way to possibly challenge Titanic for its top spot as the highest grossing movie ever made. After that summer, this looks distinctly like what it is. Shit. Unmitigated, inexcusable shit. I can’t remember the last time I looked around and saw so many critics positively mortified to be watching what they were watching. We were embarrassed to be in that theater. It is a humbling, humiliating experience that will take anyone who bitched about nuked fridges and swinging monkeys and show them just how much Spielberg and Lucas actually got right. When you see kung fu yetis high five one another and celebrate touchdown kicks, your jaw will drop to the floor. It is not funny. It is not exciting. It is two solid hours of explosive boredom, with a loud driving soundtrack to serve as a constant reminder of how much fun you’re supposed to be having. It’s rather like leaving a party at a club because you think the DJ is kinda lame, only to end up at someone’s Bar Mitzvah. I mean, you just saw this movie three months ago. Only much, MUCH better. The biggest problem here is that Stephen Sommers has spent his career aping Spielberg – which is fine. Spielberg is kind of where you’re supposed to aim when making something as derivative of his material as this is. But Rob Cohen, who took over the reins on this one, isn’t in any way aping Spielberg. He’s aping Sommers. And you can see that on every frame of this movie. It’s not even a Stephen Sommers movie for chrissakes. It’s a facsimile of one. And Cohen suffers from a serious flaw – he tends to make lowbrow material and hires great charismatic actors to (hopefully) elevate the material. But here he’s saddled with a previous cast, none of whom have the ability to elevate this at all. So it’s a Rob Cohen impression of a Stephen Sommers film with only a fraction of the usual talent. Yeah. In fact, one of the biggest detriments to this film for the film literate is the casting of Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh. The film opens telling the story of China’s first emperor, a great conqueror who set his sights on ruling all of China. And it takes only a few seconds to realize “Wait a second. I SAW this movie. It was called Hero. And you were there, and you were there…and…and hey wait. Why is the Emperor the bad guy? Why aren’t the sets half as lavish for a film with a much bigger budget? What the..what the fuck are they doing to such an awesome story?” The movie immediately veers off the tracks. And man does it take the ugly American approach to the story. You see, the Emperor didn’t dream of uniting China and bringing peace to the warring nations. No. He was a tyrannical enemy of…...wait for it…...FREEDOM. Oh fuck me. Had the movie that followed in any way entertained, the distinctly Amerocentric attitude could be excused for the sake of storytelling. But it didn’t. The characters are drawn in by the thinnest of threads that don’t seem to make sense even while watching it, let alone in retrospect. The attempts at humor are gawd awful, the romantic angles forced despite an utter lack of chemistry and every scene seems like an excuse to set up an unimpressive stunt of some sort. This thing is an utter waste of time lacking a single payoff. But for a summer movie it commits the worst crime of all. Not stupidity, not implausibility. It’s just fucking boring. All the other problems are secondary to this. I could complain about the dialog or the performances or the cheesy effects all day, but when it comes down to it, it’s just duller than watching shit harden. Sure, the last two weren’t exactly enduring classics, but at least they were fun while you watched them. Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm
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Readers Talkback
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  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:28 a.m. CST

    CHINA is the 21st century's SUN CITY


    ...Hollywood shouldn't play there. (:()

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:28 a.m. CST


    and FIRST!

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:30 a.m. CST



    for this TURD

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:32 a.m. CST

    Nice review

    by Bobo_Vision

    Thorough, yet spoiler free.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:32 a.m. CST

    Nice hulk hands.

    by blackhole4140

    In a way, I don't want DK to beat Titanic's record. I sort of like to believe the masses enjoy crap.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:34 a.m. CST

    Whatever happened to Treat Williams?


    I loved DEEP RISING. There's a film screaming for a sequel. Famke Janssen in THAT red dress, Kevin O'Conner never funnier, Famke Janssen in THAT red dress, Wes Studi as a great villan, Famke Janssen in THAT red dress, the late Trevor Goddard getting good screentime for once, Famke Janssen in THAT red dress, Famke Janssen in THAT red dress dripping wet..., Famke Jansson in THAT red dress really dripping wet... ... Okay. It's cold shower time.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:34 a.m. CST


    by Bobo_Vision

    Haha, yeah, I understand that feeling. I feel the same way about the Ramones gaining popularity.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:40 a.m. CST

    Massawyrm, You are a Horrible Reviewer

    by MMacKK

    Dude, why do you have to get so overly hperbolic, metaphorical and extreme in your analysis of films? Follow Quint and Moriarty's leads. Those guys know how to write a review that doesn't want to make me shoot myself while strapped to a nuke falling into a world full of lava so that I can quickly escape your over emphasis over every little thing. Like fuck. Melodramatic.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:40 a.m. CST

    And It has nothing to do with your opinion for the film.

    by MMacKK

    The Mummy was great, Mummy II was just derivative. I expect similar with this.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:47 a.m. CST

    You expect GOOD reviews here?

    by m_prevette

    I mean come on...the place excels only in fanboy "this sucks" type writing. I mean...on occasion one of the usual suspects shows he's actually seen a movie made before 1990.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:50 a.m. CST

    Read Moriarty's Review

    by MMacKK

    The dude knows how to write a solid review. I enjoy reading it, cause the guy knows exactly who he's writing to. The smarter half of the Geek Community. Massawyrm is obviously writing to the guys (and gals) who go 'Booyah' every time some shit explodes on screen. It irritates me.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:57 a.m. CST


    by Nasty In The Pasty

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:01 a.m. CST

    Don't get hyperbolic?

    by Laimbrane

    I do enjoy how MMacKK criticizes the review for its hyperbole, then says it makes him want to "shoot [himself] while strapped to a nuke falling into a world full of lava." I hope that's irony he's going for, though I doubt it, because in his next post he says "Massawyrm is obviously writing to the guys (and gals) who go 'Booyah' every time some shit explodes on screen." Yes, he clearly HATES writers exaggerating to make their point.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:10 a.m. CST

    You're Joking Yes?

    by MMacKK

    Im a prick at the best of times. Yes, I was trying to be ironic. I was trying to be ludicrous. And if AICN hired me to write for them or printed me or whatever, then I'll be less hypocritical. But I don't see that second quote as a metaphor or simile, etc. I seriously think thats the way the dude writes.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:17 a.m. CST


    by Darkman

    I'm still seeing it, though. It has to be less of a cinematic non-entity than TRANSFORMERS...right?

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:19 a.m. CST

    Amerocentric attitude...........

    by hyprkc

    Amerocentric attitude.........COOL! I'm all in! What's wrong with portraying the Chinese emperor as a bad guy? Should they have modeled him more closely to the Freedom Loving Chinese leaders of today? Yeah, that would probably play better to audiences, especially in places like Tibet. Now, bring on the Kung-Fu Panda...I mean Yeti!

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:34 a.m. CST

    Rob Cohen=Uwe Boll

    by landocolt45

    Cohen is the Boll of the U.S. I have yet to see one good movie EXCEPT the first Fast and the Furious and that is stretching it thin for that one. Who wants to see a Cohen vs. Boll boxing match to the death?????

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:39 a.m. CST

    The emperor's "dream" in Hero made him look like a monster.

    by NinjaRap

    He wanted to "unite China" by conquering every single country he could touch and slaughtering all in his path. The most horrifying thing about that movie was that someone somewhere thought he was actually a historic hero. He was a monstrous dictator.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:39 a.m. CST

    Hey Massa,feel free to move to Canada or Cuba.

    by YouAreAllMyBastardChildren

    I'm serious. That dumb American audience includes its reviewers, too.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:47 a.m. CST

    Hey YouAreAllMyBastardChildren, feel free to fuck off.

    by Saluki

    Only fascists bastards can't listen to dissent. You rotten fuck.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:54 a.m. CST

    "I'm serious."

    by Saluki

    Rotten fucking Internet Tough Guy. Stop wasting our time.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:05 a.m. CST

    Saluki, he isn't wasting your are.

    by Blue_Demon

    Move along.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:07 a.m. CST

    Funny review...

    by Blue_Demon

    This movie sounds like it sucks. I think I'll pass.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:14 a.m. CST

    Saluki, Calm Dude

    by MMacKK

    Because If anyone is to be labelled a hypocrite it would be you by calling people 'rotten fuck's for not agreeing with dissent. And Canada isn't a fascist regime. If thats what you were insinuating.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:18 a.m. CST

    You can tell this was gonna suck...

    by slicer

    right from the trailer. With the cheesy effects and they crappy one liners. BLAH!! However, I will still rent it when it comes to DVD. That is probably the best way to see this.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:19 a.m. CST

    What TDK has really done.

    by Smerdyakov

    Is make every lame ass reviewer of action movies think they're Pauline Keel. The geek-snob factor, that is so entertaining on The Simpsons has been pushed through the roof. It's a ACTION movie, guys, not The Seventh Seal.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:31 a.m. CST

    Hey Massa...

    by kataklysmic

    How can I become a part of another nation's movie going audience?...since us Americans are so fucking retarded and everyone else in the entire world is a fucking genius...and since the studios bear none of the blame for making this mindless shit, only the moviegoping audience is to blame for shelling out their 10 bucks to get out of the heat...and the fact that we are all so stupid reconsiles with the fact that we just made TDK beat the previous $300M film by 6 days in what way?

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:36 a.m. CST

    dude, the yeti's were celebrating a field goal kick, not a touch

    by Magic Rat

    why has everyone on this site gotten that wrong?

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:36 a.m. CST


    by Magic Rat

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:47 a.m. CST

    They Have All Sucked

    by BilboRing

    The first 2 movies blew ass. Wannabe Indiana Jones movies that just sucked balls. I have no interest in seeing this turd. Bring on another Indiana Jones Movie ASAP!!!!

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:02 a.m. CST

    No CGI Scorpion Dwayne Johnson...

    by The Winged Doucheman

    No deal.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Actually the Yetis didn't succeed in kicking the field goal

    by The Winged Doucheman

    Cuz Tony Romo was holding...ZING!!!

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Geeks getting their history from genre flicks

    by enrique_o_k2000

    Of course that emperor that tried to conquer all of China was really a good guy, that movie with great fights and lavish set design said so! OBVIOUSLY the opposing viewpoint is wrong, because it was used as the premise in a movie that sucks.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:05 a.m. CST

    LIke the first Mummy movie

    by The Winged Doucheman

    I'll watch this on DVD with a chick before an awkward one night stand featuring a pretty decent BJ.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Did this reviewer actually say what Indy 4 got right?

    by rutan07

    Wow someone who still defends Lucas and Spielberg...AMAZING! I'm still waiting for the Indy movie everyone on this site saw because for me this review of the Mummy 3 is exactly how I felt coming out of Indy 4. Watching CGI so bad (monkey, vines, I shudder) and sets so fake I thought I was watching a student film rather then a movie done by professionals. To still defend Indy 4 makes everything said on Aintitcool questionable. From now on when I do something horrible I call it doing a "Krystal Skull". Nothing can be as bad as that film.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Guys @ AICN

    by Aeghast

    You need to make clickable links to your staff's reviews and all that. Nice little review, by the way!

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:37 a.m. CST

    Here's a thought....

    by hyprkc

    Say, I wonder if the average Chinese citizen has access to this insightful review..........

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:48 a.m. CST

    Hey Saluki...

    by hyprkc

    Hey Saluki, tell that to the Chi-Coms!

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:53 a.m. CST

    Read a history book, Masswyrm!

    by Raymar

    The first emperor really was a tyrannical dick (even by the loose standards of the day!) who buried people alive and tried to become immortal. The people rose up and booted his dynasty out with his son.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 12:41 p.m. CST

    Thanks for the heads up!


    I didn't care for The Mummy, but I thought The Mummy Returns was fun in a throw-your-brain-away-because-you-won't-need-it-for-this kind of way. I liked the second film better because it didn't pretend to be a good movie. It was open and honest about its being garbage as evidenced by much of the dialogue and just had some fun. I'll probably go see The Dark Knight again and catch The Mummy 3 some night on cable.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 12:51 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm is an awesome reviewer...

    by Master Darque

    Third only to Vern and Alexandra DuPont. What they have in common is they tell it like it is and hold nothing back. But what gives Massawyrm's reviews that added kick is the consistently creative and funny artwork at the end of his reviews. Keep up the good work.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 1:37 p.m. CST

    What's with the Massawyrm hate?

    by The_Great_Skeeve

    I like his reviews. I like when things to boom. It makes me ooh and awww. Actually, I find that my movie likes and dislikes fall right in line with Massawyrm so I tend to pay more attention to his reviews than others. He... complete me. So suck it haters.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 2:33 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm is the best reviewer on this site

    by Zandunga

    The Wyrm always has specific, level-headed reasons for the way he critiques a piece of work. There's no mindless adulation and no blind hatred, it simply makes sense. He has a natural feel for what makes a movie great, for narrative, character, direction, and so on. Others like Capone are not bad either, but Massawyrm is the most reliable to me. The worst reviewer, as everyone knows, is Harry. Jesus is he bad, and unreliable as hell.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 2:40 p.m. CST

    By the way....

    by Zandunga

    ...he does admit that Indy 4 was flawed and kinda sucked, which it did, just uses it as a measuring stick for Mummy 3. And as much as Indy 4 was lacking, as shockingly poor as the filmmakers' judgement was in certain parts, as lousy as the script did have several redeeming (or at least entertaining) scenes. The Dark Knight pissed on them all, but if highly flawed Indy 4 looks that much better next to the Mummy 3, it's just an indication of where the latter film stands. As for the "ugly American" bit, it isn't an indictment of the whole nation, just his way of saying how the film panders to the lowest common denominator masses, the simple-minded isolationist jocks who don't get things in a broader, more complex, global way. And sadly, this is a distinctly American phenomenon for a variety of cultural, social, and political reasons, but it by no means encompasses everyone...get a grip people.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 3:02 p.m. CST

    I wish I could unwatch Indy 4

    by Second Try

    I will see Mummy 3 nine times before watching that POS again!

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 3:02 p.m. CST

    Best summer since 82?

    by kwisatzhaderach

    No way, I can think of 1984 and 1989 off the top of my head for starters. I'm sure there must be more.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 3:08 p.m. CST

    I can't comment on the rest of the review

    by Second Try

    I skipped after seeing this abomination: "will take anyone who bitched about nuked fridges and swinging monkeys and show them just how much Spielberg and Lucas actually got right."<P> <P> What's up with the anti-american attitude? This chinese emperor was a crazes dictator and you go insulting america. WTF??

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 3:09 p.m. CST

    futurama rules

    by Bouncy X can't unwatch it.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 4:12 p.m. CST

    a tyrannical enemy of…...FREEDOM

    by Toonol

    What, us ugly americans are silly enough to consider freedom a good thing? Is freedom irrelevant to the Chinese because of their different cultural values?

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 5 p.m. CST

    Great review, Massa.

    by PotSmokinAlien

    think you might need a new apostrophe key, though.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 5:25 p.m. CST

    I can see where this...

    by DocPazuzu going. People are going to use Mummy 3 as a way to excuse Indy 4. I don't care if Mummy 3 to Mummy 12 where released the same summer -- we are not wrong for demanding more from the beards and Ford.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 6:46 p.m. CST

    Just saw it. This will go down as classic camp.

    by NiceGuyEddie19

    It's actually pretty good, but only in a campy movie sort of way.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 7 p.m. CST


    by Earthquake WestCoast

    To the average (non-fanboy) the mummy films were fun, escapist entertainment! It seems that all you fanboys only like DARK,DEPRESSING FILMS! What's up with that? Relax and enjoy a fun, even stupid film once in a while. The audience that saw Mummy 3 with me loved the Yetis! Who gives a rats ass if the yetis kicking a touchdown wasn't realistic! We're talking about FREAKING YETIS! WHO'S TO F****ING SAY YETIS DON'T PLAY FOOTBALL! GIVE ME PROOF THAT THEY DON'T! HAHA! BTW.....Indy 4 was also a fun film to MOST OF THE AVERAGE MOVIE GOER! Especially with the over 40 crowd. They ate it up. As for DARK KNIGHT, it WASN'T the best film ever! It was just a good film, but nothing life changing. It's no EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, ALIENS, RETURN OF THE KING, THE INCREDIBLES, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. It was just a dark and depressing film. And I don't know why fanboys love the joker's pencil trick. That was nothing special. And the joker just acted like the crazy bad guy from the japanese film "Azumi". Heath did a good performance though, but it's nothing to get excited about and scream over like all you fanboys have been doing. Dam, you act like little teenybopper schoolgirls at a hanaha montana concert. Nothing wrong with the fridge scene in Indy 4 either! It fits right along with Indy falling a thousand feet off a plane in a life raft (temple of doom), and magical knights still alive from the crusades (last crusade), or even Indy being dragged in the back of a moving truck without dying (Raiders). Enjoy life people! Enjoy it now before the Iran war starts and they start drafting people (both men and women) ages 18-32! Proceed.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 7:35 p.m. CST

    I know the star of this film.

    by skani

    It's that guy from George of the Jungle. Look, tremor7000, I hope you're not suggesting that Mummy 3 is>= to Dark Knight, because your family could use that against you in court to have you committed so they can play with your Encino Man action figure while you're being treated for "exhaustion." Dark Knight was, as the kids say, really good. Really. Good. Moreover, having seen both XXX and that one Mummy with that cartoon 'the Rock' face photo-shopped onto the giant cgi-ant, I can say declare with confidence that Mummy 3 has no shot at defeating the Dark Knight, even if the other 2 Mummies and Scorpion King and van Helsing all run up to the ring behind Dark Knight's back and hit it with a folding chair. Although, Dark Knight is such a classy film that it would probably take Mummy 3 out on a date for its birthday just to cheer it up and reassure it that it's "a good movie, too."

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:22 p.m. CST

    seriously, what the fuck is up with the hate for Massa?

    by stickmangrit

    he's the foaming at the mouth geek of the staff, which has been sorely needed since Harry started giving a pass to every movie that gave him a private screening. yes, when i want a solid breakdown of the next PT Anderson movie, i'll go read Moriarty's review. when i want to know, as a lifelong comic book geek, how X3 is, i'm stickin' with the Wyrm. he is the talkbacker's reviewer. he has our mentality with a better sense of critique. he always provides solid reasoning for why he dislikes a film, and i typically agree with them every time. <br> <br> and as for us being obsessed with "dark twisted movies," what the fuck do you call Iron Man, WALL-E, Hulk, or Hellboy II? these epitomized the fun happy comfort food style of film making, but never pandered to the lowest common denominator. this summer has pushed effects(both practical and CG) and scriptwriting in blockbusters further then any other in my lifetime. there's a reason Universal sat on this one till EVERY SINGLE OTHER MAJOR MOVIE WAS ALREADY OUT. they knew that this could get steamrolled by fucking Love Guru, let alone TDK, IM, or any of the other fantastic movies of the summer. and hell, there are probably a ton of folks who'll just go see TDK again rather than endure this tripe. it looked like utter shit from the trailers, and this review confirmed it for me. i'll pass, and save my money for one last IMAX run on TDK.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:23 p.m. CST

    jesus christ

    by stickmangrit

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 8:23 p.m. CST

    by stickmangrit

    does anyone else feel like Iron Man was released forever ago? too much fucking greatness for a single three month period

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 9:23 p.m. CST

    The Qin Emperor ...

    by berserkrl

    ... really was an especially nasty bad guy who burned most of the existing books and buried scholars alive. Nothing Americo-centric about that judgment; read the traditional Chinese histories about him, such as Sima Qian's _Records of the Grand Historian_. This emperor was basically regarded as the Hitler of Chinese history (and rightly so) until the Maoists came to power and "rehabilitated" him; _Hero_ was basically a state-approved whitewash of a psychopathic mass murderer.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:12 p.m. CST

    bad-ass summers?

    by the podosphere

    1982. Look it up.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:13 p.m. CST

    i just re-read the first line

    by the podosphere

    I stand corrected, and I blame my contact lenses.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 10:24 p.m. CST

    Just saw the movie...

    by hyprkc

    I just finished watching the Mummy 3, with my nine year old son, and we both really enjoyed it. I don't understand the hate directed towards this movie. It is a good, fun summer movie, period. The movie delivers on laughs, cool locations, enjoyable characters and good action scenes. I think "Earthquake WestCoast" made some excellent points with his assessment of this film. It should also be noted that two of the heroes in the movie are Chinese women. They fight along side of American and British allies and an army of freedom loving undead Chinese soldiers against the tyranical Chinese Emperor (Jet Li) and his army of terracotta "Evil doers". How in the world that implies that somehow this movie is promoting anti-Chinese sentiment or American isolationist values is beyond me. If anything, it demonstrates how men and women (dead and undead) from different countries, and cultures can unite together, in a "coalition of the willing", to defeat a freedom crushing dictator. Okay, maybe I'm reading to much into it, but no more than these pretentious reviewers that somehow think this movie is the worst thing since the small pox and believe it to be merely a vessel for spreading pro-American propaganda. Gimme a break!

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:46 p.m. CST

    MASSA, you took HERO's propaganda seriously?

    by NoDiggity

    I mean, I saw that and knew I was watching the modern Chinese military state's propaganda. Oh, that noble emperor who HAD to crush everyone in order to bring about peace! And you bitch at this movie for busting that militaristic bubble? At least it's ANTI militaristic "peace". Sounds like something to praise, not condemn.

  • Aug. 1, 2008, 11:49 p.m. CST

    What were you looking at the other Critics for?

    by NoDiggity

    Are you a movie lover, or a lover of "other critics"? You should be there to enjoy the movie, not looking around trying to figure out what other people are thinking, and getting embarassed for watching something silly. Why be that mature and insecure? Why should you care what immature and insecure "critics", who are "embarassed" to be in a movie theater watching a bad movie think? "Oh gosh, WHAT will people think of me! My reputation, what about my reputation!" Fuck off.

  • Aug. 2, 2008, midnight CST

    Definately has been a good summer

    by br1947

    Despite Indy 4 and Hancock, its been a great run this summer. I got in a nice habit of hitting the theater every Friday after work, too bad there isn't shit out there now. I'm just hoping the idea of "good movie = good profit" sinks in to Hollywood. Probably not.

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 12:22 a.m. CST

    I liked it!!

    by thot

    A big, dumb, fun summer popcorn flick. Exactly WHAT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! Decent sfx (except the horrible Yetis)good action sequences, a touch of romance and the requisite humorous quips. Definitely better than Mummy Returns. An hour and forty five minutes of cinematic brain candy, nothing more. I, my wife and daughter (and her friend) all enjoyed it. Ease up folks!

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 1:23 a.m. CST


    by PorkChopXpress

    He apparently bought the propoganda just as most Americans did, knowing next to nothing about Chinese culture or history and probably knowing no China-born people who could ruminate on the subject. I loved Hero as a movie, but I know where its message was coming from. The fact of the matter is, the Bin Ma Yong (Terracotta Army) are correctly referenced in the movie's story - the idea WAS that the army would fight for the Qin emperor and allow him to rule in the afterlife. To see how many of these stone figures are buried there in Xi An firsthand is to realize, pretty profoundly, the level of the Qin emperor's megalomania. He was NOT, as Masswyrm suggests, a "good guy."

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 1:55 a.m. CST

    SALUKI - "I'm serious" is now considered an internet threat?

    by YouAreAllMyBastardChildren

    OK. Who bullied you recently?<p>I only put down two geographically close countries. I wasn't commenting on either's political system. Massa seemed to voice his displeasure with one facet of America and we have many examples of other people doing the same and also adding, "If X happens, I'm moving to Canada!" It's time for someone to actually put their lazy ass into gear and follow through on what their fat mouth said.<p>And I stand by what I said earlier: America's "dumb" audience includes its professional critics and reviewers, too.

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 3:32 a.m. CST

    "How much Spielberg and Lucas actually got right"

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    You gotta be fucking kidding me.

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 6:36 a.m. CST

    way to pull your punches

    by Rupee88

    Massawyrm reminds me why he's maybe my favorite reviewer on this site.

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 7:36 a.m. CST

    I'm sick of that "ugly American" shit too

    by I Dunno

    I'm no jingoistic flag waving, magnetic ribbon on my SUV douchebag. I hate this current administration and everything it stands for but Americans aren't stupid. PEOPLE are stupid. All over the world. And if Americans are so self obsessed and low brow and our movies are so intellectually inferior, why are motion pictures our second biggest export?

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 11:36 a.m. CST


    by hyprkc

    Harsh words "Mate". Your command of the English language is awe-inspiring. Your decision to pepper your critiques with profanities and insults demonstrates that you are obviously an intellectual giant among, as you so eloquently put it, "retards". Thank you for taking the time to enlighten all of us here with your insightful analysis.

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 11:44 a.m. CST

    Mummy 3 was fun!

    by Alex Mack

    Me and my sisters had fun watching Mummy 3, and so did the audience! The yetis were funny!

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 12:17 p.m. CST


    by thot

    Too many movies to list have been "dumb fun", lighten up!

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 3:25 p.m. CST

    I hated the "freedom" line too - here's why

    by Archangel7883

    It's because that while I love freedom as much (or more) as the next guy, as a writer it's one of the most obtuse storytelling methods you can use to establish a villain. It's about one step above making the guy dress in a black cape and giving him dark bushy eyebrows and an evil looking hat. Maybe they should have had Jet Li say he hates puppies, kittens, and small children. Then people could have REALLY gotten it. Come on. I loved - LOVED - the first Mummy movie. I think the screenwriting is horribly overlooked in that movie. But in this movie we have the son who is for some reason an asshole, then makes up with his dad in the most excruciatingly cliched possible, followed by getting a girlfriend with whom he has zero chemistry with. Their 'romantic' scenes in the movie were cringe-worthy. The Yetis were... Okay. The touchdown thing WAS overdone, though. Otherwise, the special effects were pretty decent - the morphing in particular. Of course, my biggest complain with this movie is in agreement with others on this site - the fight between Jet Li and Michelle Yeo was criminally short and pathetic. Two master swordsmen/magicians and all we get is a barely thirty second fight? Really? fuck that, and fuck this movie. I'll go watch WALL-E again.

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 7:51 p.m. CST


    by hyprkc

    Jaw, Raiders of the Lost Ark (My personal favorite), Die Hard, Conan the Barbarian, the Thing, TDK, & Star Wars are all excellent movies. Few could argue that. The Mummy 3 is no where near the quality of those movies, that I will concede, no problem. There is something about it though that makes it fun. After a long, hard week of work, it's nice to sit down and watch a brainless movie like the Mummy 3. It's like eating at McDonalds. Sure the food is sub-standard and probably not the healthiest food one could consume, but it taste good and it fills you up. If I want a good, healthy meal, I'll watch something like Lawrence of Arabia. That being said, I am sure that American studios are not unique in their ability to produce and distribute movies like the Mummy 3. I don't think Americans have a monopoly on creating less-than-stellar movies.

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 8:13 p.m. CST

    Mummy 3=McDonalds

    by Earthquake WestCoast

    Hey hyprkc, I agree with you. Mummy 3 does equal McDonalds! Fun to eat...but will kill you in your sleep. While a movie like Iron man equals In-n-Out burger(If you're from california then you know what I mean). The Empire Strikes Back= Oh I don't know...maybe having your girlfriend actually make you a pizza from fresh bake dough she made herself and from a garden that she's been growing in her backyard for the past few months just to prepare for the day in which she's going to make you the pizza. Oh....Mummy 3 was fun! Oh again....Dumb movies don't make people stupid. Reality television makes people stupid!

  • Aug. 2, 2008, 11:42 p.m. CST


    by thot

    You take the movie biz WAY too seriously. In the end, it's all pretendsies anyway. The most serious, brilliant, cinematic achievement of all time is, in the end, JUST A MOVIE. Heck, even some of those movies were kinda dumb in spots. Look at "Jaws" for example. Big, fake looking rubber shark that doesn't even swim or behave like a great white terrorizes beach town!! Gasp! Tune in next time....

  • Aug. 3, 2008, 12:41 a.m. CST

    Thanks, Thot...

    by Rain_Dog

    But why are you here discussing movies if, as your post indicates, you don't believe it's valid to have opinions about them regarding relative quality? I'm just curious.

  • What A Turd that Movie was

  • Aug. 3, 2008, 11:18 a.m. CST


    by thot

    I never said or suggested that it's "invalid to have opinions about them (movies) regarding relative quality". What I AM saying is simply that movies, like people, come in all shapes and sizes and can be appreciated for what they are, even if they're "dumb" in some people's estimation. As for Memories-of-Murder's contention that movies (and books) can "change the world", that's undeniably true! But, again, that still doesn't mean that goofy, lighthearted fluff can't be worth the $10 admission for a many who enjoy such films, (along with the "world changing" ones). Again, generally speaking, they are "just movies" and should be enjoyed for what they are, entertainement.

  • Aug. 3, 2008, 1:58 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm, PLEASE change your ugly cartoon

    by Bot-Bot

    I hate scrolling past that tacky, unfunny image just to get to the comments. I seriously hope you don't think it's cool or funny.

  • Aug. 3, 2008, 3:40 p.m. CST

    In Other Words

    by brakula

    This is a typical Brendan Fraser movie. And who the hell had fun watching the other Mummy films? The first two were complete derivative crap.

  • Aug. 3, 2008, 6:36 p.m. CST

    I bitch.....

    by My Fridge is a Bomb Shelter

    about nuked fridges all the time. I hope this movie flops like no other movie has before. It looks as bad as Highlander 2

  • Aug. 3, 2008, 8:58 p.m. CST


    by hyprkc

    I find it ironic that you keep harping about intelligence, yet you consistently mispell words. How hard is it to check your spelling? Your grammatical skills could use a little work too. If English is not your native tongue, find someone, who knows the language better than you (shouldn't be too hard), to help you with your talkback posts. You're like the village idiot preaching about the virtures of intelligence. You believe some movies and books can change lives. I couldn't agree with you more. You are absolutely correct. Perhaps someone, who has had the pleasure of viewing the Mummy 3, will be inspired to study martial arts, small-arms, crypto zoology, archaeology, aviation, history, or the Chinese culture.

  • Aug. 4, 2008, 11:41 a.m. CST

    mummy 3 wayyyy better than indy 4

    by im nar

    i personally believe that mummy 3 was infinitely better than indy 4 although, this fact absolutely sickens me. it is what it is. the mummy series has never been serious or ever tried to be serious. it's camp and fun. just because brendon isn't constantly pouting, crinkling his eyebrows and doing a terrible dirty harry impersonation people are saying the film is bad. i think stephen sommers is a terrible director that relies on digital effects way too much, but the first mummy was a good film. i can say the same thing about the beards. especially lucas who doesn't even care about acting or character development anymore. bringing tdk into the review is stupid. comparing two entirely different films is illogical. which goes back to my previous point. it's not trying to be "dark and serious". it's light, fun and served it's purpose.