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Alexandra DuPont Deems MUMMY III Noisy, Charmless, Unfunny And Perhaps Devoid of Any Actual Mummies!!
SPOILER ALERT !!
The Mummy:
Curse of the Dragon Emperor:
FAQ
(by Alexandra DuPont)
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Q. What's the upshot?
"The Mummy 3" is relentless, artless, convoluted, noisy, charmless, and unfunny.
Q. Did you review and enjoy the first two "Mummy" movies?
Yes, with reservations:
1. "The Mummy" (1999) -- "The best way to describe this goofy popcorn ensemble adventure is that it's what would happen if you crossed 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom' with a zombie horror film by way of a Ray Harryhausen fighting-skeleton epic -- then made it sillier."
2. "The Mummy Returns" (2001) -- "You remember how 'The Mummy,' while fun and cheery as hell, felt a bit like an entire meal of desserts -- packed as it was from front to back with effects and too many characters and relentless action toward the end? Well, multiply that vibe by a factor of six, and you've got an idea of the sort of insulin-shot-necessitating tone of 'The Mummy Returns'…. What 'TMR' lacks -- and this is important -- is a truly satisfying narrative through-line. The quest plot-frame is sort of convoluted, and the F/X porn is laid on so thick towards the end that, after a while, you sort of find yourself in this dully sated hypno-state -- amused, but not moved."
Well. "Dragon Emperor" compounds all the problems of "The Mummy Returns." It also ditches all of the first film's charm and fills the resulting void with yelling. Lots and lots of yelling.
Spoilers henceforth.
Q. What's the story?
The prologue (which is overlong and clunky and doesn't quite cut together, but isn't too awful -- I can see why they showed it to Mori in the editing room) tells the tale of a ruthless Chinese emperor (Jet Li) who forces his conquered subjects to help build the Great Wall before burying them beneath it. (His political platform includes statements like, "I will crush any idea of freedom!") He also learns to master fire, water, earth and metal -- though I don’t recall him doing anything with these skills until several centuries later.
After deciding "I have too much to do for one lifetime," he conscripts a witch (Michelle Yeoh) to grant him eternal life.
There are disagreements. Things get hinky. In a nifty bit of CG-fu, Emperor Jet and his army are turned into clay-fired terra-cotta ... uh, mummies, I guess. (You could make the case -- and many will -- that there are no actual according-to-Webster's mummies in this "Mummy" sequel.)
Flash-forward to 1946, where the movie immediately gets to work on three major tasks:
(a) splitting its focus among too many characters;
(b) telling stupid jokes,; and
(c) cranking up the volume simultaneously on every single onscreen element (music, cinematography, performances, and F/X) until you're so worn down, you can't be arsed to follow the action.
Richard "Rick"/"Ricochet" O'Connell (Brendan Fraser) and Evy (now played by Maria Bello instead of Rachel Weisz) have retired to Oxfordshire. Evy has written two lurid romance novels based on the events of the previous films. (It would have been awesome to hear her read a purple-prose version of that pygmy-mummy chase during her book signing. Not in the cards.)
You can tell Rick and Evy aren't having much sex -- because whenever one amorously approaches the other and something disrupts the mood, the romantic classical music on the soundtrack squawks to a stop like someone kicked the record player. They do this at least twice. Hilarious.
Meanwhile, their son Alex (Luke Ford) has grown up into a ratty-eyed, Malt-O-Meal-faced, weapons-grade tool. Oh, how I hate what they did with this character. Alex is now a college dropout who thinks he's twice as cool as his dad -- except that in reality he suffers from Brad Pitt stoner-voice and a stupid laugh and looks uncannily like a smirking rutabaga.
In one of the film's many blatant "Indiana Jones" scene-checks, Alex digs up the terra-cotta Emperor in a Chinese temple full of booby traps. Rick and Evy agree to run one last errand for the British government (an errand that really should have involved them digging up that terra-cotta army instead of Alex). Everyone collides in Shanghai -- including Jonathan (John Hannah), a crooked professor, some rogue Chinese officers, and a mysterious female warrior (Isabella Leong) -- and Jet Li gets rousted from his clay-fired nap.
From there, the movie turns into one endless, loud, wacky chase. Everyone screams and hollers while trying to stop the angry clay man from going to Shangri-La and activating his army, which is located somewhere else entirely.
(If this is starting to sound a lot like "Hellboy II" without the soothing influence of the Manilow, you're not far off.)
It's a decent pulp-adventure story idea. (At least it asks the characters to do more than walk around looking at stuff until a UFO rises out of the ground like a bath fart.) Unfortunately, the execution of this story drives this movie head-first into the ground.
Q. What's good?
1. Michelle Yeoh could find a way to exude poise in a "Garbage Pail Kids" sequel. Only she could gravely and unflinchingly say "The Yetis will help!" and not send me disintegrating into giggles.
2. There are individual SFX moments that are witty and well-executed. Almost all of them involve Jet Li's clay emperor. He can tear off parts of his outer shell to throw at people and then fire some sort of internal kiln to regenerate his lost clay coating. It's a really clever (if inexpressive) monster design.
3. Moriarty reveals that director Rob Cohen (who sounds like a perfectly agreeable fellow) really loves his Chinese history and mythology. Cohen's team packs the movie with visual detail; there is love in the film's design. Also, the Shanghai street set is really really big.
4. As Moriarty noted, Cohen got inexplicably spurned "Indiana Jones" stunt legend Vic Armstrong on his filmmaking team. Let's give Armstrong credit for this one sick-looking gag in "Mummy 3," where Evy jumps out of an exploding truck in Shanghai and the stuntwoman looks like she landed right on her kneecaps and skidded right across the street.
Q. What's horrible?
1. There's a screechy, overcranked, insecure, geographically confused, let's-put-an-exclamation-point-on-everything quality to the film that really burns you out after a while -- and it only lets up once, when the whole thing grinds to a dull, talky halt in a cave for about five or ten minutes.
Cohen (who did confident work in "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story" and "xXx") seems to have lost all sense of proportion. Watching any scene in this movie, you can almost hear him screaming in the editing room:
"Okay! Use the shakiest handheld shot here! Now cut to an overhead "Lord of the Rings" helicopter shot -- but only for a second or two! Now turn up the music! And make sure it crescendos on something really minor, like Fraser turning to reload! Now add a sound bite of John Hannah screaming! Now get the effects team to throw a couple of extra Yetis in the background!"
2. Oh, right: There are Abominable Snowmen in this movie -- three of them. At one point, one of them kicks an evil Chinese soldier over a goalpost-shaped piece of architecture. The Yeti behind the placekicker Yeti raises his arms straight in the air like a referee signaling "touchdown."
3. Expanding on points (1) and (2): The movie has this ridiculous habit of doubling and tripling every character and story element -- when one character or story element would have had a much bigger impact.
For example: Rick and Alex perform identical heroic acts, often in the same scene.
There are three identical Abominable Snowmen, two warrior women blessed with eternal life, and two wisecracking drunks.
There are two separate mummy armies that go to war (in a scene that plays like the who-gives-a-shit version of the Battle of Pellinor Fields). There are also, for reasons not fully explained, two airplanes attacking the mummy armies -- I guess so Cohen could stage a plane crash without taking out anyone important.
I could go on and on. It's part of the larger overkill and lack of focus, and it one of the things that makes you uncomfortably numb by film's end.
4. The dialogue -- written by the "Smallville" creative team of Alfred Gough and Miles Millar -- is just monumentally lazy and unfunny. Here are just a few examples of the film's skyscraper-high wit:
a. During an airplane ride, Jonathan rides next to a yak that throws up in his face during a bumpy stretch. His face glistening with animal vomit, Mr. John Hannah yells, and I quote, "The yak yakked!"
b. Later, Jonathan is sitting next to the yak by a campfire, and he starts talking about how he'd like to marry her.
c. In Jonathan's Shanghai nightclub, Imhotep's, he and Alex have a cringe-inducing chat about a loose woman Alex wants to fuck. "Putting it in archaeological terms, that's a tomb in which many pharaohs have laid," says Jonathan. Alex, shrugging off Jonathan's warnings, replies, "Excuse me -- I have an excavation to do!"
d. There is a scene where Alex and Rick start comparing firearms and talk about size versus stamina, and the whole thing is clearly turning into this creepy father-son virility contest.
e. Apparently, Gough and Millar find the word "mummy" hilarious, because someone yells some sort of ejaculation incorporating the word "mummy" every 10 minutes, without fail. Among them:
"You guys are like mummy magnets!"
"I hate mummies! They never play fair!"
"I! Really! Hate! Mummies!"
You may have noticed that poor Mr. Hannah gets the short end of the stick in several of the above examples. He's directed to fidget throughout the film like he's in the middle of a particularly manic crack binge. If you see this movie, watch for one moment when Hannah's behind the wheel of a car in Shanghai. Just ignore the other characters -- it's easy; they're all shouting at once -- and watch Hannah wiggle meaninglessly around the steering wheel while they talk. It's absolutely mesmerizing.
5. I feel bad about writing this part, because Maria Bello is a terrific actress with a steamer trunk full of brass (see: "Payback," "The Cooler," "A History of Violence"). But her performance as Evelyn is, well, it's not her best work -- in much the same way Spencer Tracy's "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" isn't his best work.
This Pennsylvania-born actress' extremely mannered take on what I think is supposed to be a posh English accent just totally controls her performance. She looks like she’s concentrating too hard, all the time, and it frequently leaves her with this Karen-Allen-in-"Crystal Skull" frozen smile on her face. Among her line readings: "Ancient Chinese isn't my FOR-tay" and "It's our only CHAWNCE." She has no chemistry with Fraser as a result, and the one scene she with the equally horrible Luke Ford, in which they talk about sex, is probably the worst scene in the movie.
(Come to think of it, Luke Ford is an Australian trying on an American accent. Apparently no actor gets to speak in their native dialect in this flick.)
Taking over a performance from geek-crush Weisz is a thankless job (I'm guessing Kate Winslet is the only living actress who could have pulled it off). I salute Bello for trying, and I'm sure she'll have no trouble crying herself to sleep on her pillow made of money.
6. Bello's not the only actress with weird line readings, by the way: English is Isabella Leong's second language, and some vocal coach told her to drop the emphasis sledgehammer on the last line of every sentence she says. This is particularly amusing when she talks about her magic knife, saying that Jet Li cannot be killed "unless he is stabbed in the heart with THIS!"
7. The Michelle Yeoh / Jet Li fight toward the end of the film should be a showstopper. It lasts about 30 seconds, and it's so over-edited, Cohen might as well have shot the whole thing with stunt doubles. Even the makers of slight crap like "The Forbidden Kingdom" knew to stop the movie cold so Jackie Chan and Jet Li could fight for five minutes.
8. Speaking of shortchanging Yeoh, here's a spoiler: There's this bit toward the end where Yeoh casually sacrifices her immortality (and her daughter's immortality, without asking the kid's permission) to bring Yeoh's long-dead lover back to life as a warrior zombie. Just a quick logical question here, since Yeoh was pretty heartbroken about the guy's death: If she could bring her long-lost love back to life this easily, why didn't she do it when he looked less emaciated?
9. Did I mention that I hate what they did with Alex?
Warmest, Alexandra DuPont.
AlexandraDuPont@yahoo.com
Arm yourself to attack my critical judgment! It's easy and fun! Visit The DuPont Bibliography!
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The trailer looked mildly fun...
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I mean, really. One day, all reviews will be written this way.
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You just saved me $8 on this stinker!
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Loved that review, made me laugh on this grim Irish morning!!!! Cheers Alex...
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She's simply gorgeous! There's a reason they cast her as an immortal...she doesn't look her age at all.
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It doesn't make any sense.
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I'm not kidding...check it out. Well at least people who pay their money to see this movie will get what they deserve. If you pay to see what is clearly a crappy movie, you are just rewarding the filmmakers and encouraging them to produce more crap. So glad to hear that most people will get punished for indirectly making this movie happen.
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But on the other hand, I really enjoyed forbidden kingdom.
I like The Mummy (apart from John Hannah and "bainbridge fucking scholars") and DESPISE The Mummy Returns - mainly for the crap CGI suckfest. The Rock/Scorpion thing is the worst CGI I have ever seen. EVER.
Incidentally, John Hannah is a complete tool - I remember just after 4 Weddings he took over an entire restaurant in East Kilbride for him & (I think) his folks. He was being an arrogant prick and totally slated the town where he grew up. Arsehole. I was really choking for a curry that night you prick. -
should have been Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Mummy. $-) admit it, thats all the Mummy was, a knockoff of Indiana Jones. i recently watched the Mummy and mentally replaced Brendan Fraiser with Harrison Ford. (using my super imagination powers) change a few lines/scenes and the "tone" of the picture in a few places... and you have a perfect Dr. Jones flick. someone shoulda took this script to George and Steven first... because The Mummy was a bigger hit than the Crystal Skulls was, considering it didnt have the hype behind it. and this would have been a 10 years younger Ford playing in it. tell me i am wrong. i dare ya. replace Brendan with Harrison.... how would he do the lines differently.... his body language.... it works. and no Mummy 2 or 3, just the first one.
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Jul 31, 2008 4:26:46 AM CDT
"relentless, artless, convoluted, noisy, charmless, and unfunny.
by docpazuzu
Like Indy 4, then?
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Watch, Americans eat this crap up.
I hated the first two Mummy movies also.
Nothing sucks more than noticeable CG.
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Indy 4 still had great moments of filmmaking - the bike chase, the conquistadors corpses being destroyed by air, the doomtown sequence, Cate Blanchett surrounded by crazy ILM shit shouting "I vant to know!!!!!!!". Granted it had prairie dogs (the Paramount logo dissolve was a crime) and Shia swinging like Tarzan but it wasn't all bad.
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Do directors ever read these reviews and think, "Holy shit! They're right. Why didn't I see that?" And, if so, wouldn't they consider having an outside opinion or two check out their work before they unleash it on the rest of society? You know, the way a writer typically has an editor read their manuscript and point out the things that are confusing to follow or clearly don't work or need further tweaking? Though, in all fairness, a lot of the blame often falls on the studio, for being too controlling, too meddling, too pushy about getting their way as if they had the first clue about what makes a good movie. Just sad.
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I have often thought that but I think that when a director sells himself to get a job, then realises the script is terrible, then starts getting studio execs on his ass - its starts spiralling.
No excuses for them - other, stronger more talented directors (Nolan) can manage. But by the time the movie tests screens the damage has been done. -
Only that Arnold Vosloo, who was the only thing that I liked in them, isn't there anymore.
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You can only watch the Joker fuck up Gotham then fuck up Aaron Eckhart so many times before the pallet demands a cleansing and one feels the need for something lighter, pulpier, and with a more overtly happy ending. Mummy 3 is perfectly poised for that, but it sounds like I'd be better off revisiting Mummy 1.
true story, Mummy 1 was the first movie I took a date on in my whole life back during my middle school days, so I remember it fondly for that reason, (even if I didn't get any action.) -
I've been curious regarding your take, so at least now I can tease it out between the lines. At least complaining that "its a movie that has it's characters tour around looking at stuff before a ufo fart bubble rises" is more original than invoking "nuked the fridge." (true story, "Nuked the Fridge"="Nipples on Batman" in that both are rather shallow observations about minor gripes in movies that have much larger and more systemic problems far more deserving of groan.)
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Jul 31, 2008 5:13:49 AM CDT
And Alexandra, when are you going to update that bibliograhpy?
by greenstyle92
If you keep linking to it, it should be updated and more complete. I shouldn't have to search Google for your Serenity/Episode 3 review, or your lambasted at the time but vindicated in hindsight reviews of the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels, or most recently these new slew of Dark Knight Xfiles and Mummy reviews...
And any shot of a Clone Wars review? Lucasfilm is apparently not done make Star Wars prequels, and a Dupont review is sort of a tradition when one of those roles around... -
Badass.
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Colour me 'unsurprised'
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Jul 31, 2008 5:35:05 AM CDT
Nuked the fridge was a 3 minute gag disconnected from the story
by greenstyle92
It was after the russian area 51 sequence and before the main narrative of the film really got started. It was just a gag, a set piece, that could have easily been cut from the movie without affecting any of the rest of the film. Let's say it were. Would you have liked the movie then? would the movie have been significantly improved? I doubt you or most fans would think so. You'd still be complaining about the other stuff, the characters, the plot, the pacing, the stuff that really pulled the movie down.
and may I pull in my other example? lets say Batman and Robin did not have those nipples on those costumes, but the movie played exactly the same otherwise. would that change, even in the slightest, go toward making that movie better? No, because you'd still have Arnold's ice one liners and Poison Ivy's ridiculous line delivery and everything that was god awful about that film except you just wouldn't see those nipples.
do you see what I'm getting at? The fandom has chosen these elements to be emblematic of all that was wrong about those films, but I don't think they even come near being the distillation of those gripes. So, yes. Crystal Skull has problems. And I'm stunned that it's "nuked the fridge" everyone glommed onto. (well, not that stunned. someone tried real hard to ram a new meme down our throat and a handful of fans were just stupid and sheepish enough to bite.) -
the last nail in the coffin to Crystal Skull, if they could legitimately claim it was fun and engaging and better than that film. but it's not panning out that way.
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No, it wasn't all bad, but that's just it -- discussing an Indy movie's merits shouldn't even have the phrase "it wasn't all bad" mentioned under any circumstances.
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I know it's shit but I'll see it anyway. It has mummies (okay, clay soliders) dragons, yetis and a live action cartoon of a man (Fraser). Maybe I'll go after a few beers.
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"The Mummy" was pretty bad. "The Mummy Returns" was just hideous.. I wouldn't want to see this if I was paid.
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I bet its better then shia labuff swinging tarzan style with monkeys....Shit the rock at the end of Mummy 2 was better then that..DEATH TO SHIA LABUFF
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Sorry you didn't get your curry. And you're right "The Scorpion King" has got to be the nadir of CGI in a major Hollywood release. Just fucking horrible, at some point I realised I wasn't watching a movie anymore but a cheap-ass computer-game. Pointless
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I can't say I'm surprised. I mean, we're talking about Rob Cohen here.Sigh...I'll probably see it anyway. I have a feeling I could get some enjoyment out of it on a Saturday afternoon with a blue raspberry ICEE and a bucket of popcorn.
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You just made me want a blue rasberry Icee really bad. I guess I'm going to have to wait till Pineapple Express to drag my ass to the theater. Nah, nevermind, I'll just see The Dark Knight again.
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How is the score? I'm not expecting Goldsmith or anything, but does it at least do justice to Silvestri? Or does Edelman fumble the baton completely?
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I've been saying the same thing since I walked out of the theater in 1999.Anyway, I will probably see this movie because it is my kind of bad film. Some people will give a free pass to something like Fantasic 4 or Ghost Rider, for me it's adventure films (even the craptacular Indy 4).
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Indiana Jones films ripped off the movie serials from the past....you guys just think that everything begun when you were born...just dumb.
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Watched 1 and 2 again on blu. That bit with the guy in the train car in TMR still cracks me up. "Your not happy without a good curse".
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that is the only reason they made it...they weren't trying to produce a good piece of art or entertainment....that would have been a nice side effect but nothing more. As long as there are dumb people to pay to see this, we will many more crappy films in the future...thanks guys.
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Just because Indy was based on old serials doesn't mean that without Indy there would have been a Mummy series or that it would be the same. Anyway, I can't believe no one's mentioned how utterly shitty those Yeti(s) look. What's the plural of Yeti, is it just Yeti like Jedi? Anyway, they look shockingly bad. Like 1997 bad. Of course the CGI in the Mummy films have always sucked.
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Despite the overly obsessed over fridge scene and Shia LeBeowulf swinging through the trees (when swinging became unacceptable in an Indy film, I don't know), Indy 4 had nowhere near the goofy slapstick antics of Last Crusade. Hitler was the only character who had any dignity in that film, even though he spelled his own name wrong.
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...micro-review of Indy 4. {g} Much happiness to see Alexandra back, gush, gush. Enjoy the bliss while we can, folks.
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better take this review to heart as it's very accurate.
The same standards used by "fans" to flay Lucas and Spielberg for Indy applied to this thing back up everything ADP says above and more. A yak uses a barf bag on plane, CG yetis play football and give referee signals and the journey to Shangri La (a CGI vista that should make reflexive haters apoplectic) is shown to be about as difficult and time consuming as finding a Wal Mart.
I also second ADP's evaluation of Bello. It's not Bello's fault at all really but not having Weisz back really shows how much she added to the previous entries.
The production design and art direction are very good and the CG work is a step above the stuff that usually induces eye rolling. It's worth noting that a mostly non-fanboy audience I saw it with found the bits that might make geeks rush to the internet in misplaced rage amusing (perhaps out of habit but there you go).
This movie is very much like its predecessors in an overall sense but also lacking in the ways ADP talks about.
In no way though does this movie do anything to elevate itself above KOTCS and if the same criticisms are applied it suffers as much and worse. I know people have lazily been waiting and calculating to use this movie as another chance to trash Indy (and it will still happen even though the outlandish and silly meter in this movie buries measurements taken from KOTCS) but these takes will reveal more about these haters than either movie in my opinion.
If you liked the others you will find this alright but missing Weisz. Cohen overall did a very nice job with the setting and in the end it's just like the other ones - no more but maybe a little less in some ways.
I'd say see it if you like the others but don't use it to trash Indy - you would look silly for doing so.
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I just had to post an Arnie Mr. Freeze one-liner since someone above mentioned Batman & Robin above.
Also... You know what killed the Dinosaurs? The ICE Age! -
Jul 31, 2008 8:17:55 AM CDT
At first I WAS hoping Mummy 3 would deliver where Indy 4 had fai
by finding forrestal
Now I'm hoping Mummy 3 makes Indy 4 look good by comparison. Sounds like it might.
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Fucking bullshit.
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Jul 31, 2008 8:21:01 AM CDT
So, every bit as assaultive and obnoxious as the first two films
by nasty in the pasty
BIG surprise. Not even any Rachel Weisz hotness or Jerry Goldsmith/Alan Silvestri musical goodness to cut the cheese (ew). Fuck this movie.
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Without Sommers and with the moron that almost ruined Richard Roxburgh's career and the idiots who can't even bother to do proper research unless it was based on a comic book, IT SUCKS. Sorry, but I'm totally looking forward to "G.I. JOE".
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and Kurt Russell was laughing, so they must have done something right.
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Every time someone quotes Batman and Robin, I have to watch the movie. It's some obsessive compulsive shit. I think it may be the Batman movie I watched the most. I think it's the only one I actually own. I love that piece of shit movie.
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I think it's easier to say "nuked the fridge" than "didn't quite have the same panache as previous installments and didn't live up to my childhood expectations" or "nipples on Batman" than "attempts to update the camp aesthetic of the '60s Batman without understanding its ironic appeal rather than simply continuing the tradition of Burton's films".
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Talk about convoluted. Fuck me.
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Are you aware you were name-checked by Judd Apatow at Comic-Con?
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At least with The Mummy, I'd expect an Indiana Jones ripoff with too much CGI, just like the first 2. With Crystal Skull, that was the very last thing I expected. And guess what?... SURPRISE!!! I got a fucking Indiana Jones ripoff with too much CGI!!!! FUCK YOU LUCAS!! I WANT MY MONEY BACK SO I CAN WASTE IT ON THE MUMMY... AT LEAST JET LI IS IN IT!! Oh, and DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD, go to hell.
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Why does no one acknowledge this? Lucas wrote the story. It was re-written twice and SPIELBERG FUCKING DIRECTED IT. So why does everyone shit on Lucas for everything wrong with the film?
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Please. I hope she's pretty regular now - they're informative without being spoilery for spoiler sake, their well formulated, they actually REVIEW the movie as a whole while also tying in its effect for the viewer (as opposed to other AICN writers who are all about what the movie did to them than what the movie IS), and oh yeah - her reviews are FUNNY as fuck. Everytime I see her name on a review now, even for a movie I have no interest in, I'm reading it...they're smart, witty, and Alexandra, are you single? But seriously, thanks for the great reads...
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...had Rick and the gang have to resurrect Imhotep and team up with him to take out the Dragon Emperor... and even then it still would've sucked. By the way..."At least it asks the characters to do more than walk around looking at stuff until a UFO rises out of the ground like a bath fart"... Hil-fuckin-larious!
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... I'll try and update the "DuPont Bibliography" this weekend. With any luck I can remember everything needs to be added since mid-2004.
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.... I want more reviews from you. Way better than most of the garbage drivel that comes out here as reviews
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Yes I am. And Judd Apatow can go fuck himself.
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I completely agree with you. The second I walked out of Indy IV, I said Mummy 3 will destroy this garbage.
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fuckin' hate Brendan Frasier with a passion, hate this francise, pretty much hate mummys (there zombies wrapped in TP, lame)hate garbage in your face CGI, fuck this movie just die
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... at theoffline.com
It goes through the ENTIRE thing and they point out why it sucks wet ass.
http://www.theoffline.com/content/audio/therewind/roundtable01.mp3
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They're cooler than the Gypsies.
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Jul 31, 2008 11:06:46 AM CDT
Alexandra Dupont kind of reminds me of the Mummy movies
by cotton mcknight
Noisy, charmless, and unfunny, and pops up every once in awhile for no other purpose than to irritate a mass audience.But the differences is, The Mummy movies seem to be aware of the fact that they are silly, and they don't take themselves too seriously. This woman, however, thinks she's Pauline Kael.. swooping down from the mountaintop to render her verdict for the masses. Oh yeah and she's a bitch, too.
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Mummy 3 just came across as soulless. Whereas Mummy 2 was loud and over the top, I got into it. I just couldn't get into this one. Alot's going on but I couldn't care about any of it.
Also, Weiss is sorely missed... Bello plays her as a bit of an airhead and not the clumsy genius she's supposed to be. -
Did you not see the scene where she says to her daughter: "I need you to make one more sacrifice... your immortality" and the girl smiles cuz she just wants to be mortal so she can bang alex, anyway?
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... I totally don't remember that scene! I just remember Yeoh sacrificing her daughter's immortality while the daughter was tied up in a tent about a mile away, and thinking, "That was kind of inconsiderate." Color me corrected.
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And I am not including the spin off scorpion king... yikes. I'll take Indy 4 any day of the week over the Mummy series.
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Nice little review
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...Yeah but "bitches get things done." Besides, you know you'd tap that if you could.
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The Mummy movies are fun! Doesn't anyone know how to have fun anymore?
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What -- his shrill, histrionic, effete portrayal of Dracula, the worst in history, didn't do that?
Seriously, Anna Valerious, it's time to end that permanent vacation of yours in the "Sommersverse". -
... then I don't know what fun is. The firs two films are garbage, doubt the 3rd one will be any better. But then again, I did like Indy 4....
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Otherwise you'd be able to shuttup about it for five seconds.
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Is saying is that this movie is perfect? As long as its bigger then 2. And since they got rid of Weisz, sounds like they got rid of all the problems the first ones had.
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...their entire aesthetic is whipped from Tom Selleck's finest moment HIGH ROAD TO CHINA. Not that one thought one'd ever be using the word 'aesthetic' anywhere near a Tom Selleck movie, but there you go. Somewhere, one imagines, a Rick O'Connell-variant nuked-the- fridge meme is beng worked on. Punted the Chinaman? Something like that.
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'a: During an airplane ride, Jonathan rides next to a yak that throws up in his face during a bumpy stretch. His face glistening with animal vomit, Mr. John Hannah yells, and I quote, "The yak yakked!" This is listed in the 'reasons why the movie's horrible' wtf??? I love that line - it's a work of genius!
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Really that's the question to be aswered. Him, Travolta, and Nic Cage seem to be going to the same wig maker...
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...They just keep trading it back and forth amongst themselves (with brief interruptions for delousing after Cage uses it).
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Yes, yes I would.
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You asked about the score. It didn't make much of an impression on me because the whole movie was this big annoying sonic wall. I also felt bad for Edelman, because he had to find dramatic points to emphasize musically in scenes where Cohen gives everything the same louder-than-loud emphasis. Silvestri's original was probably better, but it's hard to even answer the question.
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For curiosity's sake.
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A quote from the villain 'Destroyo' in the short-lived TICK live-action series: "CONFOUND YOU, YOU IRRITATING WOMAN! DOES YOUR PRATTLING NEVER CEASE?!" I mean, seriously: You retired loudly and publicly to head off for greener pastures... But you refuse to have the good grace to stay gone. Whatsamatter, nobody at the Pizza Hut wants to listen to you blather incessantly about the minutiae of pop culture?
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He used my moniker to get a laugh (the only way he can these days) and he can fuck off for that. Talentless bearded cunt.
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Come on, DuPont. Don't make this Goldsmith die hard feel the need to strangle you.
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Jul 31, 2008 1:00:01 PM CDT
guys....the way you prevent Dupont from returning....
by dannyglovers_dickblood
....is to stop posting in this fucking TB! Soon-- we wont have to deal with her waste of bandwith if you people stop posting. Its the same way you get rid of a troll. Ignore them....and they go away. I'm taking me own advice and hitting the high road. Fuck this.
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look pretty weak in the trailers. And a field goal victory pose trumps a gopher reaction shot by a factor of ten.How did Cohen score this gig after the total train wreck that was Stealth? Another over-CGI'd piece of overblown "action". When directors realized that computers could realize any action/fantasy scenes with near photographic believability, the more is better philosophy took over.
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Go see "Sex and the City" again, will you?
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Sheesh!
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I don't think she's ever given an adventure movie a decent review. These are popcorn fest movies. I suggest Miss Dupont should go back to her bliss of watching "gay cowboys eating pudding" and not let the door hit her condescending ass on the way out.
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... Jerry Goldsmith scored "The Mummy," Alan Silvestri scored "The Mummy Returns," and Randy Edelman scored "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor."
Oh, wait. This is just a memo to myself. -
DuPont has always been a great reviewer. She's a film geek at heart, but actually armed herself with a decent vocabulary, extensive knowlege and a critical eye to bring you a a great review.
I may not always agree with her-but at least I know where she is coming from. You however, are a bitter, angry man-child-who's limited understanding of the wolrd and culture has not escaped the musty, dank darkness that is your mothers basement.
And I enjoyed Indy 4. Not the best of the films-but definitely fun! -
*cgi comedy gopher
*fridge (they could at least have had it land in a lake)
*shia lebouf monkey swinging
*cgi monkeys
*the falling over multiple waterfalls and being fine (people got more hurt from doing this in the CARTOON the mysterious cities of Gold.
*cgi ants and their selective eating habits
*how many times do they have to escape/get recaptured by russians?
*stupid aliens (and I like aliens)
*stupid plot, gurning Karen Allen, CGI snake gag.
So no, Nukeing the fridge wasn't the only bad point, but like a trademark for a bad movie it will be remembered.
PS. DuPont your burning the geeks, poor dickblood doesn't know how to express his awe. -
I see you got yourself a black border...does this mean you will grace us with a review once in a while?
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I was waiting for the mother's basement line....good job kiddo!
Now fuck off and die. -
a black border means the reviewer is in mouring for quality action cinema. And if I was Arnold Vosloo, I'd have some shears to John Woo's ear "You don't get me a HARD TARGET prequel, I come back here, I cut me a steak"...
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damn this site's limited functionality
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And guys, I agree COMPLETELY on DuPont's take on both X-Files and Mummy Dragon, so cut the girl some slack you hateful sons of bitches. (Although I'm in the appearant minority who truly enjoyed Indy 4 and do not feel the need to bash it every other sentence, so cut that DuPont or I will no longer support you)
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Can something actually be worse than Indiana Jones 4? I'm not going to bother to find out.
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body fluids and or functions, or her sexual proclivities, is a refreshing change on this site.If Harry was a woman (shutter) I'm sure a review would include,"That festering abortion of a movie was so bad it was as if I was being titty twisted by a power drill." Written with poorer grammer of course.
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I would say a toss up between The Happening and The Love Guru, and unfortunately, yes, I've seen both. Bitch about Indy, all you want, at least it didn't make you want to wash your eyes out with battery acid.
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That is the highest praise that I can give anyone because Vern is undisputed God of the Written Word. That review rocked!
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Judging by the trailers alone, you can tell this is going to be loud and silly, and stupid. "DIE YOU MUMMIES DIE!!" Yeah, I cringe every time. Still, it's par for the series (now trilogy), whereas Indy has always felt like something that deserved a little more respect, a little more downplay. Mummy 3 being corny and bad isn't all too surprising; Indy 4 deserved better.
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Unlike Harry and the rest who get hard within ten feet of Del Toro or Smith.
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Any movie with terrible F/X gets compared to the Mummy films. They're fucking cheap, heartless pieces of shit. I knew watching the trailer for the first time that nothing had changed when I saw how completely unrealistic everything looked.. And of course, the whole self mocking "Mummy joke" bullshit lines. AVOID.
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Dragon:The Bruce Lee Story, Daylight, Dragonheart, The Fast And The Furious, xXx, Stealth, and now Mummy 3. Is Cohen the new Peter Hyams?? At least Hyams could stage action sequences.
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There have been far worse films this summer. Love Guru? ZOHAN?? The latter in particular was so awful i actually wanted my money back... And it was a free screening.
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Edelmen's was fine, but forgetable.
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The Mummy 3 looks like junk.
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Star Wars can be called a kids movie. ET can be called a kids movie. A "kids movie" doesn't mean it has to be directed to an ADD pace and be stupid and juevenile. All of Pixars films can be called kids movies, and not an insult to the intelligence in the bunch.
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geared for a "14 year old boy", doesn't have to look like it was written and directed by a 14 year old boy.
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I'm just saying both have directed a wide range of genre flicks, with fair results at best. And I've always admired Hyams use of camera work, esp Stedicam. I'd take Running Scared any day over Fast And Furious.
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it actually made me want to see this more, just so I could point and laugh at the screen with my fellow cynical friends
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Bout damn time.
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Jul 31, 2008 4:51:59 PM CDT
As I suspected it will be a rental when it's released on DVD.
by kravmaguffin
I'm not paying full price for this shitfest when I can see Dark Knight again. Oh and Rob Cohen, I want my money back for Steath! What a steaming pile of crap!
Oh and Alexandra you have yourself a fine day. -
2 AWFUL looking flops in one summer
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Ha. What a fucking idiot. Thanks for the laugh.
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Don't let it be so!!!
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I've yet to hear any coherent reasons why Forbidden Kingdom was "slight crap." It was actually a very cool little fantasy flick starring two gods of Kung Fu cinema. And the hate being levied at Indy 4 really has gotten silly.
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" I want you to yell every line. and then from time to time yell louder"
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the Mummy Returns started retconning all kinds of crap, like making Rick a Medjai and Evie a reincarnation of Nefertiri. Also, this Mummy release feels a bit like the new X-files movie--coming out too long after any interest in the franchise has died. They should have made this movie back in 2002 instead of Scorpion King (although Kelly Hu and her skimpy outfits redeem that flick a bit).
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Still, it will make money just as the other two did. Thought they were alright movies but glad I waited for dvd to see them. Will probably do the same here unless one of you ugly bastards pay my way in to see it. I might remind you I also want popcorn (extra butter) and a huge Coke to drink.
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and skip this pile of shit.
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Jul 31, 2008 7:39:59 PM CDT
mrfan, I'm happy to report that this will NOT make a ton of mone
by jarjarsjockstrap
TDK is really kicking ass right now. it's a special thing -- the kind of thing that second-rate shit fests, much like the Revenge of the Mummy Returns from hell III, can't derail. TDK at #1 falls when tropic thunder comes out -- count on it. Not to say that Tropic Thunder will good -- in all liklihood, it'll probably suck. Anywho, to the idiots saying this will be better than IJ4: please, shut up. really. shut up. YETIS SIGNALING "TOUCHDOWN" TRUMPS "NUKE THE FRIDGE," "SHIA TARZAN," AND "CGI GOPHERS" BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS. guy...YETIS signaling "toucdown" in the Himalayas... reallY? I mean, Really?
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IT WAS AN ABOMINATION ON FILM. I mean, how BAD was that film? And didnt Alex have a british accent in it? And wasn't he a LOT younger than Brendan Fraser? How come Fraser didn't age, yet his son did? Huh? that's miserable/ absolutely miserable. And all of the mummy references...."I. Really. Hate. Mummies!" "Mummies -- they never play fair!" AHHHH!!!! that dialogue is the equivalent on nails on a chalkboard. It's HORRIBLE....absolutely, wholly, entirely horrible. this has been a weird summer. lots of quality films. lots of films living up to the hype. in fact, there hasn't been a sleeper hit yet, because al of the big films actually delivers. and, yes, that includes indy 4.
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Jul 31, 2008 7:46:50 PM CDT
this movie is crappier than John McCain's depends...
by jarjarsjockstrap
zing!
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Can we just admit it?
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Hell NO!!!!!!!!!!!1
If I NEVER hear that LAME ASS saying again,it will be too soo!!!!!!!!!! -
I just saw the film and I thought it delivered EXACTLY what I expected.....You know the dialogue you disliked? The audience I saw the film with liked it, they got the humor in it....Take the stick out, relax and try to enjoy a movie, this is The MUMMY not the Godfather for Christ's sake!!!!!!! see the matinee, grab some popcorn and sit back and enjoy the ride..... Supposedly we are going to get 2 more.....Keep them coming people!!!!!!
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run smallville into the ground and do the same with the mummy series. is there any thing these two can't ruin?
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hollywood doesn't make films solely for disgruntled AICN talkbackers...gasp! I loved the original Mummy with Karloff. But, have you seen the old sequels it spawned. Make Sommers look like a genius. I enjoy movies of all colors. Yeah, I like a film that moves me. A film that when I leave the theater makes me want to go out and grab a drink with who I saw it with and get in a deep philosophical discussion or arguement. And I also like films that I can just turn the brain off and just be entertained. World can be a dark depressing thing and sometimes you just need to escape for a moment and get your sanity back. Really, take the stick out. There's room for all kinds of films.
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Jul 31, 2008 9:22:28 PM CDT
Fuck the new Jones movie, and this piece of shit.
by my fridge is a bomb shelter
I say fuck these movies and FUCK IT, We'll DO IT LIVE!
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Get the feeling that you want to puke reading this girl's reviews? I mean really, she comes off as convoluted, pompous, arrogant, and an outright ass.
"Like they totally said the yak yakked", well no shit lady. those are the jokes they make in these movies. What the hell were you expecting, Shakespeare? -
What's the deal with the big, three headed cgi dragon rip-off of Toho's Ghidorah? Does anyone in the movie make an offhand comparison?
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That ranks with "[over-the-hill television series] is still better than 90% of the crap on TV" and "Move out of your mother's basement and talk to a girl!" as one of THE most overused internet message board phrases. No, I'm not expecting fucking Shakespeare when I see a Mummy movie, but dialogue that *doesn't* make me want to jam flaming Q-Tips into my ears would at least be appreciated.
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Jul 31, 2008 11:17:16 PM CDT
Harry & Moriarty should give their separate Mummy 3 analysis
by bduncan
I'd like reading both Moriarty's and Harry's separate analysis of The Mummy 3, saying what they liked, disliked and what they each reckon it could or should've done a lot better if they were mostly disappointed by it (or that a Mummy 4 film could do, as they've set it up for the son character to take over, but I could see Brendan doing 2 more Mummy films if The Mummy 3 film does really well, which it probably will).
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WORSE than the Mummy Returns ???
Yeeesh! -
And even by those adjusted expectations this film failed spectacularly. In her opinion. Which is all a review is: An opinion. Why is that so hard for some of you to understand or deal with?
Do you only care to read reviews and articles that perfectly correspond to your exact worldview/expectations? Do you get personally offended by opinons that differ from your own? Even opinions regarding something as utterly unimportant and gratuitous as this Mummy film?Strange behaviour. -
The reception to the Mummy previews seems pretty flacid and TDK continues to flourish so perhaps it will retain the top spot. Regardless, it should near 400 million by the end of this weekend and it's set to crack the top ten very soon so top spot or not, the film is kicking serious ass, which it deserves. And if Devin from Chud is reading this, I took my sister to see it today and that makes it my fifth time, so I guess I'm the douchebag loser type you mentioned.
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It was incredibly bad, from the acting to the fights. I was actually planning on seeing this for some light fun but that clip actually killed what little enthusiasm I had.
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Congratulations on once again completely missing the point, in this case Smer's post.
Humorless asshat. -
For winning the award as the Talkbacker with the least amount of self awareness. This is the fifty second straight week MOM has dominated this catagory. Don't let anybody ever tell you that consistancy is the hobgoblin of small minds sport, you excell.Also, I'm getting late word from the committee that you have won the award for the TBer with the largest stick up your ass. That's quite the daily double you've earned sluggger, You make Portugal proud tiger.
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...only better.
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Want to know what kind of person MOM is? Well, to put it as simply as possible, he's the kind of guy who, while watching, say, Leprechaun in Da Hood, wouldn't laugh a single time. Not once. That pretty much sums him up.
Memories-of-Murder is an arrogant, pontificating, condescending, humorless, predictable, irony-deficient, smug, bullying, ignorant toad. -
...if you're going to motivate not seeing Mummy 3 by way of Rachel Weisz, at least get your story right.
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Well, was there?
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...has also stated on occasion that it's okay and natural to actually hate a person who doesn't share his taste in film.
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Add "sarcasm-deficient" to that list.
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...that bash Del Toro.
And I don't care if that gains your approval or not.
I'm lookin' at you, Paz. -
Apparently they've slicked up enough to pay someone to post on the internet for them...shady-ness is afoot gentlemen, the games a changin'...god help us if one day they are granted rights outside of deciding how to bake a casserole.
PS. Movie was fine, not expecting more than it was...most of my problems harry touched on in his review. That and they should have cut down the bridge, and immortalitly shouldnt be a cock-block with the fountain of youth 10 feet away from you. CNN BRINGING YOU HEATHENS THE GODDAMNED NEWS! -
Excuse me?
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Oh, I see. Well, I don't hate people who bash Del Toro -- I just think they're tasteless mooks.
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Get over you self, learn to enjoy the popcorn ,Pulp style movie..sure the Dark Knight was a good movie, but not every Movie needs to be so Dark and depressing.... when i go to movie and sit through it, what i want for my $5 is to be entertained, to not look at my watch and wonder how much longer its going to drag on.... seeing the Mummy I had that experience with my family, we watch the movie we laughed we left entertained, my son demanded that we add it to the DVD collection...seeing the Dark Knight- well the wife and Daughter had no interest, my son-age 12- thought it was OK, but Iron Man was better, and I thought it was ALMOST what I wanted from a Batman movie- it still want to see the Killing Joke, this Joker was missing his humor
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Aug 01, 2008 8:50:38 AM CDT
Fred think that movies need to serve multiple purposes
by freds_balls_in_a_mason_jar
Some can be dark and gritty -like Dark Knight, and have a wide appeal, if they are down well. Others can be light and fun, and have broad appeal, also if they are done well. Dark Knight is not a family movie. Mummy movies are. Fred loved dark Knigt. But Fred also greatly enjoyed Mummy and Mummy 2. Fred not see Mummy 3 yet. It not necessary to hate on one type of movie in order to support another. One thing Fred knows for absolute certainty. If it make money, it will be made. If dark, gritty movies are key to success, then many more will be made. But Fred think it more likely that Dark Knight has exceptional appeal based on factors other movie genres can not tap into.
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...can hardly even be called a movie fan because his spectrum for film enjoyment/appreciation is so narrow. He hides behind the "stupid" label when it comes to movies he doesn't like, but what it really amounts to is either an inability to enjoy movies on a purely visceral level, or guilt and shame arising from the fact that he DOES enjoy movies on a visceral level but feels the need to find intellectual reasons for liking those movies.
A real movie fan enjoys all different flavors and experiences and doesn't limit himself to "good" or "bad" movies. There are loads of "good" movies which are insufferable and just as many "bad" movies that are pure fun. This is a distinction which M-O-M, with his limited intellect, is incapable of understanding. -
who the hell is this dupont ?
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Here's a man who thinks Star Trek TMP was a great film and cried when people couldn't see the genius of it. That alone makes me laugh everytime I read one of his pathetic little commentaries.
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The only person using that straw man argument is you, M-O-M. You tried the same shit argument recently when you claimed that Will Smith was a talkbacker favorite and then proceeded to demolish him and them in order to score cheap, bullshit points in an argument of your own making.
You're the very definition of a loser. -
Fred understand your frustration. But, Fred would counter by saying that you are looking at too narrow of a segment of movies. For instance, the summer blockbuster season only consists of popcorn movies aimed at mass audiences - primarily teens, and young adults, and the young at heart. You will not find very many deep movies in that season. So, it is unfair to compare and critcize hollywood for marketing movies such as Mummy 3 and Dark Knight in the same season, when they are both aimed at the same crowd. The big 'oscar worthy' movies, genearlly come out in Oct-Nov and Feb-Apr. That is because the kids are back in school, and the movies are marketed towards their parents. The serious movies, that are full of serious messages, and serious acting. You can always find Indie movies year round that deal with many themes though. Fred think you need to expand your horizon.
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You're the joke. Nobody nominated you keeper of the talkbacks. You feel obligated to push your opinion on everyone. Go back to your bubble mate and put your vulcan ears and wank to Gayformers (which you seem obsessed with) and have a good cry.
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your posts prove you are the Type of movie "FAN" that needs the stick pulled out, learn to enjoy a movie for what it is, rather than what it could be- or rather what you wished it to be....as for the Dark Knight, yes the Joker had some elements of humor, but to truly see the epitome of the Joker- and here I too am guilty of viewing a movie with prejudiced eyes- read The Killing Joke, that is the perfect Joker
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