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Moriarty sneaks into the scoring session today of MYSTERY MEN!

While I'm here at Moriarty Labs, I figured I'd interrogate him about his recent adventures before I go have my own... later tonight on the set of... Well... shucks, you'll have to wait and see.

Moriarty.... Tell me what you heard today?

Well, I had a chance to hear many cool things today, including a fair section of the score that Stephen Warbeck wrote for MYSTERY MEN. I managed to subdue a Sony guard and sneak onto the scoring stage, where I found the entire MM team hard at work. My problems with the original ending to the film are no longer relevant, I learned, since director Kinka Usher has come up with a new, more focused way to make the film pay off. As far as Warbeck's score is concerned, it's really not your standard-issue cookie-cutter superhero music. I managed to hypnotize producer Lloyd Levin into discussing the approach to the score. Since the characters in the film are so determined to be superheroes that they've made costumes and actually go out on patrol every night, it would make sense that they hear their own theme music in their heads. Warbeck has managed to write the music they're hearing, and the effect makes this comedy somehow poignant. That's not the best thing I heard today, though.

Well gosh Mr. I'm Gonna Be A Coy Bastard, what was the Best thing you heard today, oh pretty please with sugar and almonds and coconut on top?

Remember that Kinka was under my evil hypnotic influence when he said this. I commented on Michael Bay's cameo in the film and asked why he had been included in the movie. Kinka's exact answer was, "Everyone deserves to be associated with at least one good movie in their lifetime... and you can quote me on that." I'm sure when the post-hypnotic suggestion wears off, Kinka's going to send the real Mystery Men after me to kick some ass, but how great is that line?!?

Well given I have a paid-off contract to be nothing but nice to Michael Bay I have to say how utterly offended I am at his comment about another fine director's work. Ahhhhh.... What am I saying? That's pretty darn funny Monsieur Moriarty. But the real issue is... Exactly why do you keep all these inept men around you... That's the true mystery?

Do not mock my henchmen, Mr. Knowles. It's because of them that I'm able to infiltrate sets with them running interference. It's because of them that I'm able to gather every single draft of every single script in town. And you don't want me to send them after you the way I'm mobilizing them to go take out Jeff Wells. You haven't read HANNIBAL but you'll condemn it based on someone else's synopsis? That's just retarded, sir.

Gosh, Moriarty... Well, just remember this... I have Robogeek, and he'll come and get you and he'll bake you brownies and go into great detail about strange cable shows till you cry. Beware the power of Robo!

Well folks, that's it for this installment. I'm off for my own secret mission! More from me... later...

Readers Talkback
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  • June 9, 1999, 6:09 p.m. CST

    What did you use to subdue the gaurd?

    by Herman Snerd

  • June 9, 1999, 6:57 p.m. CST

    Too Bad Spike Jonze Was Busy

    by Anton_Sirius

    Oh those bitchy ex-video directors. Meeee-ow! I agree that Bay does get a far worse rap than he really deserves, although Armageddon is an awful lot of bad film karma to lug around. The Rock, well, y'know... aw jeez, you're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Fine (sigh)- The Rock rocked. Even Bad Boys amused the hell out of me; it's the only movie Martin Lawrence has been in where I didn't want to rip his windpipe out of his throat with my teeth. That has to count for something, right? Plus it captured Will Smith at a time when he was capable of parodying his image, rather than being enslaved to it. So, really, Bay is two for three. If he sticks to action films and avoids the big effects-heavy spectaculars he's fine. But man, did Armageddon suck.

  • June 9, 1999, 7:11 p.m. CST

    mystery men will rule

    by Chili Bacon

    cmon with a cast like that you could play the bee gees and still have a hit. p.s. mike bay sucks ass

  • June 9, 1999, 7:26 p.m. CST

    HANNIBAL Deserves To Be Condemned (Hell, So Does Bay!)

    by mrbeaks

    I'm halfway through it, and I simply refuse to believe that this is the work of the same Thomas Harris who wrote RED DRAGON and THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (not to mention the nifty BLACK SUNDAY.) This is perhaps the most depressing tome I've waded through since Hardy's JUDE THE OBSCURE. I never expected Harris to pull a Crichton, but life is often full of such depressing surprises. I've kept myself ignorant of all reviews, but Moriarty's remark in the above "article" has me thinking that I'm not the only one so letdown by this hack job of a sequel. Does Harris even enjoy writing anymore?

  • June 9, 1999, 9:44 p.m. CST

    Hasty judgments

    by Cthulu

    You guys are throwing darts at the wrong board. The guy who really deserves all the credit/blame for Bad Boys, The Rock and Armageddon is Jerry Bruckheimer.

  • June 9, 1999, 10:12 p.m. CST

    Ok...let's throw darts at Bruckheimer...

    by Dead Kid

    ...and then throw one big-ass meteor at Bay.

  • June 10, 1999, 12:36 a.m. CST

    by Moriarty

  • June 10, 1999, 12:39 a.m. CST

    It Was A JOKE!!!

    by Moriarty

    Hey, guys... Why is it that people seem to never understand sarcasm or a joke when it's written in print? Michael Bay is in MYSTERY MEN. You think Kinka put him in because he hates the guy? When he said that about Bay, he had a big smile on his face. Joke. Humor. J. O. K. E., 'kay? Maybe once you see MYSTERY MEN and how damn funny it is, you'll realize that this guy's got a sense of humor. Believe me... this wasn't the opening salvo of a war, so don't turn the TALK BACK into one. "Moriarty" out.

  • June 10, 1999, 3:08 a.m. CST

    Just Plain Cool

    by drevil

    When I saw the preview for "Mystery Men" at "Star War" a few weeks ago it, well the preview just looked cool, but do they have any preview showings anywhere? Just curious. This may sound stupid but I seemed to really enjoy the cinematography in that brief few minutes. Well take care now, I have a world to hold at ransom here ya know.

  • June 10, 1999, 4:16 a.m. CST

    Hey Moriarty: Scripts!

    by Irish Dave

    You said in this post that you can get a draft of any script in town. Can you please tell me if I can get a copy of th X-Men movie script off the web? Any sites with other possible future scripts? Cheers, D.

  • June 10, 1999, 6:13 a.m. CST

    It's always war...

    by Uncle Cracky

    ...down here at the Talkback! You can't start what you didn't begin... or something. Every carbon-based lifeform for his/her/itself! Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat! Yeeeeeehaaaaa!!!

  • June 10, 1999, 8:09 a.m. CST

    Aw man!

    by GodBear

    This was totally not what I had in mind when I saw the title "Mystery Men Scoring Session." Heh heh.

  • June 10, 1999, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Cast of the Year

    by Dathcha

    Firstly, Mindy Marin should be president of the universe. Such taste, such variety... Secondly, Jeanane Garafolo should be CFO fo the Leigon of Humor. I'm certain she will unfold like the wonderful flower she is in this role. Thirdly, Kel Mitchell is a simply GENIUS casting decision. Hello kiddies, line up 1-2-3!!! Lastly, lets all join hands and pray that Universal does not fuck this up like so many other things (although they are on a roll, lets hope they can keep it up). Sooner release date = sooner I can see this puppy, so thanks. I kind of like that Smashmouth song... video whets my thirst... Off to see Austin Powers.

  • June 10, 1999, 3:40 p.m. CST

    Moriarty, the only reason you get all these scripts and screenin

    by paragonian

    So don't think they're doing this out of the kindness of their hearts or cause they want to make a production deal, they only see you as a big dollar sign. Just be careful and don't let your ego or greed destroy your credibility cause it's a slippery slope to losing your soul and becoming Bruckheimer's bitch, just ask Michael.

  • June 10, 1999, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Yea for Michael Bay!!!!

    by Fred4sure

    He's never tried to make art movies. Michael Bay makes comic book movies--and damn fine ones. All style and no substance. Sometimes that's all we want. Don't curse him for being something he's not trying to be.

  • Aug. 2, 2006, 8:08 a.m. CST

    A scoring session full of Mystery Men? Moriarty!

    by Wolfpack

    We had no idea!