Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

I can almost hear how the pitch began: Let's take a half-hour cartoon series (more like 20-plus minutes without commercials) and stretch it into a two-hour, 15-minute feature film with production design so colorful and sweet people will want to reach out at the screen and eat it like candy. What could go wrong? Allow me to begin the list. For many years as a kid, "Speed Racer" was a show I simply never missed. I was too young to see or care how simplistic the storylines were, how crude the art work was, or how truly annoying Spritle and Chim Chim were. Somehow, the makers of that show made me believe in a future that seemed completely and utterly centered on auto racing without rules; and the high velocity, gadgets and over-the-top villains were simply the icing. I was also particularly obsessed with any episode featuring Racer X, the masked driver who was secretly Speed's older brother Rex and kept his identity hidden for reasons that either were never explained or were utterly ridiculous (much like the movie).

I'll admit the trailers for SPEED RACER have been making my eyes explode with glee. The prospect of having the The Wachowski Brothers (makers of THE MATRIX films) helming this movie seemed almost too good to be true. Add to that Christina Ricci as Trixie (a role she was beyond born to play) and Emile Hirsch, fresh off his extraordinary performance in INTO THE WILD, as Speed, and I think my expectations were cautiously high. But something about the trailers and commercials bothered me: the acting seemed stiff, and worse than that, the dialog was cookie-cutter awful. Still, the visuals were simply too glorious to care about such petty elements as the acting or the script. But when you expand those flaws for more than two hours, they become impossible to ignore. As a result, SPEED RACER is tedious beyond words, and when there wasn't racing happening, I was either ready to fall asleep or kill someone, more than likely myself.

There's no denying that seeing all of these beloved characters come to life was thrilling, and it was a thrill that lasted all of about 15 minutes. Susan Sarandon and John Goodman as Mom and Pops Racer are perfection. It feels a little weird seeing a gifted actress like Sarandon in a role that requires her to do little more than be a Stepford wife, but she's still beautiful, so who cares? And Goodman captures Pops' constant state of non-threatening rage beautifully. It's tough picking on the actors in this film when they have such a limp script to work with, but Hirsch is stagnant here for some reason, like he's not quite in on the joke. He pulls off looking intense behind the wheel of the Mach 5, but when he's called upon to emote, something doesn't click. My guess is that he's simply not invested in this character, despite an elaborate backstory forced down our gullet involving the "death" of Rex Racer (I'm sure all the children in the audience are going to love that element of the movie). His line readings felt more like a recital of an unrehearsed monologue. Ricci fares slightly better, but only because she's cute and shows a lot of leg.

How about that plot involving a racing conglomerate attempting to get Speed on its team? Ugh. In my review of last week's IRON MAN, my only real complaint about the film was that the "secret" villain was so obvious from the first time he steps on screen that it was laughable. Imagine that times 50 in SPEED RACER. Forgetting for the moment that the trailers have all shown us who the film's villain is, Roger Allam as Royalton (head of Royalton Industries) could never be anything but the bad guy, even when he's attempting to charm the Racer family. Give us some drama, people. Some of the wacky evil racers Speed goes up against are pretty funny in a ROAD WARRIOR final race kind of way, but we all know happens to the drivers who try to kill Speed. I didn't mind Matthew Fox as Racer X, although his costume looked so much like Cyclops from the X-Men that I had to keep reminding myself that James Marsden wasn't in this movie.

If you're made of stronger stuff than me and can make it through the non-action scenes without contemplating suicide, the pay offs of this marathon endurance test are the races and wildly imaginative cityscapes. These races go across tracks that look like they were designed by a mental patient. The lights, the turns and the jumps are all unbelievable. The only way I'd sit through Speed Racer again is with the sound turned off, watching an IMAX print, just so I could really examine the backgrounds. The artistry on display here is mind-boggling. But even as I sat in amazement watching all the pretty pictures, I began to notice something: the special effects consume the performers and story, rather than enhance it. I adore movies with lots of effects, but even I had to say, "Hold up, buddy" to everything that's going on in SPEED RACER. It's not confusing so much as it's overwhelming and exhausting.

I don't make a habit trying to predict what demographics are going to like or hate about a particular movie, nor do I ever attempt to anticipate box office tallies for a given opening weekend. I'm sure SPEED RACER will do quite well for a while, but it's not the type of film you'll feel compelled to go back and watch over and over again. It physically hurts me to watch so many people try so hard to entertain me and come up with something so astonishingly mediocre. Here it is, people: the first turd of the summer has been hatched.

Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com