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Massawyrm Knows All About WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS...
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
There are few actors, actresses or directors in this business that I actively dislike – people who just rub me the wrong way, you know? We all have them. But for some reason, I seem to have far fewer of them than pretty much anyone I know. Somehow, my passion for film makes me much more forgiving of the types of things that drive other people up the wall. And that goes for pretty much every actor out there except Ashton Kutcher. No, he never fucked my girlfriend or picked on me in high school or has so much as uttered a bad word about me (to my knowledge.) And yet he rubs me the wrong fucking way.
The best I can figure is that it all stems from his period of overexposure a few years back when it seemed like he had a stake in almost every tabloid out there and required that he appear on the cover of each and every one. His whole Hollywood Iconoclast White Trash Frat Boy routine pretty much laid the groundwork for the current trend of celebrity train wrecks and the tabloids fascination with them. No, it’s not like he was the first celebrity to be splashed across the front pages – but he was the first of his generation who not only seemed to actively encourage it, but enjoy it. Without Ashton there would most likely be no Lindsey. Or Paris. Or Britney. Not in the way they are covered and respond to the media these days. Ashton proved time and again that you didn’t really need much talent to be the most talked about person in the world. And then, magically, as if wishing had made it so, he vanished off of the radar.
And now he’s back. And if that weren’t bad enough, he’s back starring opposite Cameron “Magic Swirling Ass” Diaz. It’s not that I dislike Diaz in the same manner as Kutcher, but she’s always comes across as the cutesy sorority girl type – and that gimmick has an expiration date. In Diaz’s case it was 2004.
Now one of the things I’ve always loved about AICN is that Harry has always refused to cover all that gossip/tabloid/who’s dating who bullshit. It’s all about the film around here. So why am I spending so much time talking about these two now? Because I know I’m not alone. These two have passed the curve of being at the top of their game and odds are you feel the same way as me. So when you saw the trailer to What Happens in Vegas your eyes probably rolled into the back of your head as far as mine did. It doesn’t look smart. It doesn’t look funny. In fact, more than anything it looks like a pathetic comeback vehicle put together by an agency desperate to get their clients back into the limelight. And never one to shy away from a cinematic car crash, I woke my ass up early in the morn to gawk at this one.
To be honest, I was rooting for this one to fail. And I hate that shit. It’s my number one beef with many of my fellow critics who plop down in their seats, fold their arms and stare blankly at the screen muttering Impress me. And yet, that’s exactly how I walked into What Happens in Vegas. I fully expected this to be a tired, ridiculous turd. Sure, I still hoped for the best, but secretly, deep down, I was fighting liking this movie.
Which is why I was so fucking surprised that I was laughing so often and that while I was muttering how much Ashton Kutcher chaffs my sack like a sweaty pair of jeans, I was doing so through a smile. This film was cute. Despite its leads, despite its cornball premise, despite its rampant predictability, it was sweet, adorable and had a genuine wit to it. It is one of those rare films that genuinely won me over.
But it wasn’t the leads that did it. No. In fact, the whole time I was kicking around the thought of how good this could be if they’d casted differently. I mean, the set up, the execution, even the style of off the cuff one liners – it all felt very much like a classic Hepburn-Tracy screwball comedy, tramped up a bit with the sex and sleaze of Vegas, but altogether focused on the I hate you/I really hate/I hate you some more/No Wait, I love you model. Had this instead starred Clooney/Zeta Jones or Ruffalo/Witherspoon or, staying with the young premise, Gosling/McAdams, this would have been a highly anticipated summer film rather than the chick flick counter programming that this obviously has been slotted to be.
Sure, not all the jokes work, but most of them do. Kutcher and comedian Rob Corddry have a fantastic chemistry that sells every bit of their buddy-buddy comedy. And Lake Bell, who was embarrassingly bad earlier this year in the unbelievably awful Over Her Dead Body is perfect as the mean, pit viper of a best friend to Diaz. Every moment of Corddry and Bell viciously ripping into each other is hilarious. In fact they hate each other so much you get the feeling that this thing is about to veer into the predictable territory of hooking them up, which thankfully they never do.
And between the best friend in-fighting and the antics of these two hopelessly different yet destined to be perfect for each other lovers, the film finds a charm that wins you over and never goes too far with any of the jokes to lose it. Despite its raunchy, lowest common denominator appearance, this thing has some pretty classic comedy roots. It’s funny, fairly well written and the jokes that don’t work are never lingered over of forced down your throat. Sure, I rolled my eyes every now and again, but I never hated watching this thing. And truth be told, I enjoyed almost every moment of it. Would I actively seek it out to watch again? Probably not. But if it came on, I might not find the urge to change the channel unless I knew there was something compelling on another station. And I certainly don’t hate myself for seeing it a first time.
So if you’ve got a significant other that is trying to drag you to this, or you yourself are a big lover of romantic comedies – there’re much worse things you could be subjected to. I won’t tell anyone to bend over backwards to see this or anything, but it’s worth a watch for those who enjoy such things. Kutcher fans probably aren’t going to find themselves too pleased. This is a more toned down, less “AWESOME!!!” ™ Kutcher - same fratboy delivery with 50% less crassness. But he comes across sincere enough, charming enough and definitely likable enough that not only am I willing to give him another chance, but I think, if he stays with this direction, the women this movie is aimed at probably will too.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
Got something for the Wyrm? Mail it here.
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Too much better fare around...
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so please do. Die I mean. This movie is shite but encouraging to any potential film writer in that maybe, just maybe, your shit can make it on the big screen too. Who decided that Ashton Kutcher could act again?
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Since he was the producer on that, he's all right by me.
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I'd call b-b-b-bullshit.
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bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. ;D
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Great review as always Mass. Though you are dead wrong about Ashton siring the slew of coke addled underwear deficient whores that keep the tabloid in bidniss. They were an inevitability, as once you are famous, you main task in life becomes to remain famous, and when you lack talent that becomes an increasingly desperate task. As for this film, I'm sorry but my loathing for Kushner and Diaz is deathless and knows no limits. I don't care if seeing it grants you immortal youth and a schlong the size of a kielbasa, I'll be skipping this one.
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"Miss Match" sounds like a horrible romantic comedy.
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May 09, 2008 8:57:59 AM CDT
"Somehow, my passion for film makes me much more forgiving of th
by magic rat
I guess it does.
So, Massa, is there anyone else you think you could never love? You should make a list just in case. -
all that started with the coverage of Michael Jackson's life, not Ashton Kutchers.
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Search your feeling, Massawyrm, you know this to be true. Also, I just can't see Kutcher and Rob Cordry as buddies. Dunno why but that just seems fundamentally impossible.
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I generally agree with your takes Massawyrm, but I know that you have a bit of a soft spot for the rom/com. I can't think of specific examples right now, but you have liked some real formulaic turd bombs.
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Actually, no. Aint it COOL News celebrates variety, from italian tits n' ass flicks to classic black n' white to Japanese tentacle hentai. So why not some Kutcher too? By the way, didn't some people find him actually good in Butterfly Effect?
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it has to be said
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First off why is Zach Galifianakis in this? Well I mean I know why ($) but yeah. I can't ever understand why all those slacker comedians (pretty much all stemming from Mr. Show) can't ever come up with a good movie together and get Bob to direct it (he's not a good director but he seems to get money for his crap). As for Rob Corddry that guy typecasted him self pretty damn fast. Maybe he'll be funny one day, he was ok in Blackballed.
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Justin Timberlake's dick must be kryptonite.
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Hahaha Miss Match actually was some short lived TV-show in 03 that Lake Bell was in. About a matchmaker. I never saw it. I guess Miss Guided got cancelled, that show was kind of funny, would have been better if it was Chris Parnell as the lead. Man there have been a lot of bombed comedies about teachers as of recent.
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and had pretty much the same reaction. It won me over too. I think what made this marginally better than most of the romantic comedy crap out there is the ridiculous set-up for the film, the device that forces two people that hate each other to have to spend time together. Yes it follows all the steps, and thinking back it is all rather stupid, but i didn't notice while i was watching it. The managed to get me caught in the moment. So good for them, it was as horrid as i thought it was going to be, and it still isn't good, but it's better then all the other rmantic comedies i've seen of late...well, except sarah marshall of course.
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Big deal. So does every straight man in America.
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I can't decide which one has the prettier lips.
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Did Ashton Kutcher with a better career then Stifler?
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shoulda been straight to dvd...
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a Massawyrm rom-com review. Always an entertaining read.
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Diaz had NEVER had an ass, magical or otherwise. And she's got some SERIOUS crow's feet going on for a woman who's, what, 35?
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May 09, 2008 12:34:58 PM CDT
100,000 people in Myanmar die and Ashton Kutcher lives
by industrykiller!
There is no justice in the world. And before any jackass out there actually feels like trusting this review, yet another in a catalogue of positives for lowest common denominator crap by the illustrious massawyrm, champion of the simple, I suggest you go back and read his review for The Holiday.
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Then you obviously have a flaw in the very core of your character. No really you're a fucking idiot.
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my biggest problem with this movie is not the idea that we are suppose to believe that Rob Corddry is funny, or that we are suppose to by the fact that Cameron Diaz is good looking and can even over look that fact that Lake Bell was never meant to act outside of the TV box. Its the concept that Ashton Kutcher would ever marry an older women, I just can't get my head around it.
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May 09, 2008 1:08:36 PM CDT
I also seriously doubt massawyrms supposed passion for film
by industrykiller!
Liking every single thing that comes down the pipe is not a passion for film. What that is is a penchant for cheap entertainment and a gullibility, those two things I don't doubt. If you have a passsion for something, especially an art form, a certain sense of discernment must come with it. Also a recognition that the more garbage that people condone the more garbage will then get seeped into the art form. Otherwise it's not a passion but more a mindless time killer, which seems akin to massawyrms sensibilities. A cinephile Massawyrm you are not.
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Your internet girlfriend break up with you today or something? Or did your boss finally firewall all the gay porn sites? Because you are P-I-S-S-Y today.
For the record, anyone who slags a movie site unseen has exactly ZERO authority to talk about who is a cinephile and who is not. Being PICKY also doesn't actually discern that one has taste. And finally, anyone who can point people back to a year and a half old review of mine has read enough to know that I slag about as many films as I endorse - making your initial premise faulty to begin with. Also note the half-hearted endorsement at the end of this piece. I didn't love it, I just liked it.
So calm down, get your life shit worked out, and come back when you have something to say that doesn't come out as uneducated, arrogant screed. -
"And now he’s back. And if that weren’t bad enough, he’s back starring opposite Cameron “Magic Swirling Ass” Diaz. It’s not that I dislike Diaz in the same manner as Kutcher, but she’s always comes across as the cutesy sorority girl type – and that gimmick has an expiration date. In Diaz’s case it was 2004."
This might be the best thing you ever wrote.
but then you wrote this:
"it all felt very much like a classic Hepburn-Tracy screwball comedy, "
so I still don't know if you're full of it or not.
I guess you're views on movies are just "complicated". At least you're entertaining. I may never see a movie(or not see one) based on your reviews but I do enjoy reading them -
...after Christopher3
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And I think I've seen enough movies, especially enough with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz and their most wack-wack-WACKY to know exactly how What Happens in Vegas turns out. I mean lets be realistic here. I also didn't use the word "picky" I used discerning and that's what I meant. Sorry but I take offense to people promoting, and that is what you are doing whether you mean to or not, shitty Ashton Kutcher comedies. We are in a cinematic landscape today that is pathetic, and it stretches to more or less every corner of art from film to music and television. And the whole fucking cycle is cyclical. Bad begets bad. And quite frankly I want that cycle, at least in some small way, to end. So when people endorse movies that obviously deserve a beating I get prickly. And I see you dot hat on an almost constant basis. You said yourself that you can't stand Ashton Kutcher, well I'm right thee with ya chief and quite frankly I hope they stop giving him work because until then they are gonna keep throwing him in our faces. To do that his movies have to tank. Now you say you don't like the guy, and I'm assuming that has something to do with the painfully annoying obnoxious douche bag he always plays. Are you trying to tell me he doesn't play that douche bag in this film, because I've seen the trailer and not for a frame of any of them does he drop that schtick. In fact he seems to have amped it up. If you can tolerate that obviously you've overstated your problem with Kutcher, because that is him every time out of the fucking gate and if you all of the sudden don't have a problem with it in this film than there's a disparagement there. SO maybe you are being a tad disingenuous in the first place. And I'll thank you not to bring my internet girlfriend into this, she loves me and someday I'll be able to fly her over here from the Philippines and meet her face to face.
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There's a reason I capitalized PICKY. Call it DISCERNING all you want, you're slagging something you have no actual knowledge of. Discerning belies education. Do I think you have any reason to see it? Fuck no. But that has more to do with your penchant for hating things on principle than its quality.
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We are the only true judges of what we enjoy and what we should watch. But I will say that I've seen all three of those films and I wouldn't even dare to compare them in the same breath with this film. If you don't like Romantic Comedies, don't watch this movie. Pure and simple. But comparing it to movies held as the worst ever made? Not when you haven't seen it, brother. Pony up the hour and half of your time and then we can talk.
The problem here is that IK is arguing that he possesses special knowledge that allows him to not only know when a film is not right for him, but not right for anyone else either. It's the netnerd version of those Bible thumpers who try to make Biblical law ACTUAL law. Because, after all, they do know better than the rest of us. Don't they? -
Armchair critics with knee-jerk sensibilities and minds closed more tightly than the vault at Fort Knox are not going to be won over. Just let the cretininous comments wash over you. The sad fact is that in this day of Youtube and geek chat boards it's even more evident that opinions are like assholes. And most often come FROM assholes. Movie critics have a tough row to hoe these days since every Tom Dick and Harry (no offense meant to Headgeek) thinks they know something about film and the film industry. Industrykiller talks about the "cinematic landscape" like he studies it, but obviously he doesn't. The TRUE fact of the matter is that contrary to his hyperbolic argument, the state of fiction today is the same as it ever was. Some good, some bad. Get over it. Kudos to you, Massa, for getting past your own prejudice and giving the movie a chance. I also hate that mugging, self-serving shithead. But if the movie's okay, I'll give it a watch. On DVD probably, but still...
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Because 90% of American film goers have absolutely no taste. Meet The Spartans beat Rambo...Never forget.
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Yeah, the guy aint gonna win an oscar anytime soon...but there are a lot worse people out there. Kutcher has had some decent-to-good movies. Butterfly Effect was a good movie, The Guardian/Alot Like Love/My Bosses Daughter/Open Season were all fairly good movies. I would rather a Kutcher flick then another Tom Cruise movie.
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It took me awhile, but I've come to the realization that one can't really ever completely discount an out-of-the-blue event coming from a movie that has zero expectations.Did anyone have any expectations for the original "Pirates of the Caribbean"? Of course not. Word of mouth propelled it to success because let's face it, who expects a movie based on a theme park ride to be any good? A really good director can pull a good performance out of a lousy actor, and a really good actor can pull out a good performance in spite of lousy directing.I'm not going to see this film, but only because I'm not a big romantic comedy fan. But I'm not gonna dispute what Massawyrm has to say about it 'cause I haven't seen it myself to judge.
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Come on, you noobs, she's still plenty fuckable. Some of you peoples got the unrealistical standards.
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who'd you rather. Pit Cameron Diaz against, say, Megan Fox. Who's going to win with the average acne case here?
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Gets crushed by What Happens in Vegas, what a riot that would be. And I agree there are a lot more cunts in Hollywood that would take a backseat to Kutcher.
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and Diaz vs Fox? Does it even matter really? Either way you win! Unless you get both, then you simply rock
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It was either that or "Speed Racer".
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by all means start telling me I hate things on principle. Until that day it's just a strawman argument to justify your own bullshit. Does What Happens in Vegas have Ashton Kutcher in full blown, obnoxious, shrill voiced, why-talk-when-you-can-scream Ashton Kutcher mode? Yes, yes it does. Now I don't hate rom-coms on principle by any measure, THAT would be "picky". I really enjoy Love Actually, Sleepless in Seattle/You've Got Mail, Notting Hill, any John Hughes offering in the genre. They aren't high art but good clean fun. See THAT is "discerning". But when you combine those admittedly thin genre cliches with the over the top screeching of Ashton Kutcher (who isn't even good at that) and Cameron Diaz's terrible comedic timing you have a bad film. You can say that my two cents doesn't count all you want, but I'm dead on accurate. Kutcher is objectively a bad actor, period, even in the laughably bad b-movie The Butterfly Effect. Thinking of his reactions in that film make me laugh to this day. I also got appendicitis while watching that film. Coincidence? maybe. Now I'm not seeing What Happens in Vegas in theaters, I have a habit of putting my money where my mouth is and not supporting utter garbage with my money. but whenever it hits TBS Superstation, sight unseen or not, we will be able to look back on this and see how right I was.
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I think he may actually be talented. Diaz, however much I want to fuck her, is prob. one of the most annoying things on the planet. But again, would do.
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There was a fair amount of hype and expectation around the first Pirates of the Caribbean. I know my friends and I were there on day one. that situation isn't at all comparable to What Happens in Vegas. Pirates starred Johnny Depp, one of the best screen actors of all time, Vegas stars Ashton Kutcher, whose only rival for worst actor on the landscape is Hayden Christensen. The trailer for Pirates looked incredible, the trailer for Vegas looks like a Diaz Kutcher comedy, 'nuff said. Pirates was a big budget pirate film, Vegas has a plot that was already done (probably much better) in the Larry David film Sour Grapes. Pirates has cool skeleton men, Vegas has Dennis Miller, which is way more frightening, and not in a good way.
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That, dear friends, is what separates Aintitcool's reviews from the pack. While other critics politely demure and call the kettle "off white", AIC bares its chafed, angry testicles for the world to see.
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I know, scat munchers are people too, but I have to warn anyone who might be gullible enough to netflix that movie based on the erroneous information posted in this talkback. Massa's just speaking his mind, and I appreciate that, but I don't need to prove to myself that I can tolerate Kutcher's onscreen presence by choosing to see this Vegas movie. Christopher3's comment is the only sane response to the idea of this movie.
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I still have nightmares about Meet the Spartans beating Rambo that weekend. The world ended that day. We're all in Hell.
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Gets me hot. Gets me hard. Amazing body (prefer her MASK figure but I'd gladly take what she's workin' now). She's got a cute smile. Everyone says she's a genuine, down-to-earth girl. OK, she's got a goofy laugh but you can f&ck that out of her.I'm really tired.
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between prediction and review. Massa provided a review. You're providing a prediction. I'll take an informed review over an informed prediction any day. As should anyone who gives a shit about objectivity in critical situations. It might be his personal opinion, which calls into question the objectivity, but he actually watched the entire movie and formed his opinion based on the entirety of the experience. Whereas you offer nothing more than hyperbolic rhetoric. Even if I agree with you generally about Asshat Kutcher, I think you're off-base calling Massa out on his review. Until you watch it yourself, your argument against Massa is weak.
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If you think anyone's going to watch this movie based off this review. The few people that actually READ the review pretty much told Massa collectively: "Nope. Fuck you."
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the script by dana fox and rewritten by tim dowling was pretty good. it didn't reinvent the wheel or anything but i liked it a lot and i think kutcher and diaz are both likable and i'll be seeing it as soon as i can find a date. fingers crossed.
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You are not a good judge of film.
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Is aging quicker than that dude in the Last Crusade when he drank from the wrong cup.
Nothing wrong with that of course, as I myself am 75 and looking for young male love. Preferably from an altar boy. -
I'm going to see it. On DVD, true, but I will see it. His review HAS changed my mind. So what were you saying about retardation?
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You laughed, huh? It's cute. But there is a certain thing called a principle and, such as it is, it will not admit a vehicle like this into the lot of my psychological life. i don't care about...either of the two dubious slabs of hotness involved. Neither of them has, to my knowledge, done anything but exercised their incredibly narrow emotional range in a number of extremely poor films and television programs. At the moment, one episode of Doctor Who is worth fifty, a hundred such films. And no, I will never type the name A.........K........ He makes Josh Hartnett look like a young Tommy Lee Jones. (He does, doesn't he? It's his central selling point.
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Whose name I will enunciate. This, and only this, should be held up and rubbed into Harry's face in hell forever, because it is true and he was wrong, so, so wrong.
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