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Quint slowly mulls over the incredible depth and overall cinematic merits of ZOMBIE STRIPPERS!
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Let me start out by saying I can’t believe I’ve seen a movie called ZOMBIE STRIPPERS, put out by Sony Pictures actually on a movie screen. I couldn’t believe it when the email came in from the local rep about the press screening and I couldn’t believe it when I sat in the theater waiting for it to start. I also got a kick out of seeing local critic, Marjorie Baumgarten, who writes for the Austin Chronicle, come in right before it started… being that her appearance meant I wasn't the only critic to actually show up and watch the movie.
When the movie was over, as is usual at press screenings, I was asked by the rep what my thoughts were. I told her that it was exactly what you’d think a movie called Zombie Strippers would be. In the 25 minutes it took me to drive home that quote went to Sony and I had a quote approval waiting for me in my email.
I told them go ahead with it. It’s not a compliment. They must have been really eager to have a quote, no matter what the context.
I could only guess that Sony is locked into some binding legal contract whereupon they have to put this film out in theaters instead of throwing it straight to DVD… either that or they want to bring a return to the glory days of genuine B-movies hitting theaters.
Unfortunately with the advent of video cameras, the art of making B-movies disappeared. Some people can use video and make it look amazing… look at 28 DAYS LATER or ONCE as examples of low-end video’d movies that work. But then look at Sci-Fi Channel, late night cable and the endless shelves at Blockbuster and see the tens of thousands of other examples of shoddy cheap movies.
In my years spent at the Alamo Drafthouse I’ve fallen in love with shoddy low budget ‘70s and ‘80s movies. They’re still movies, requiring a bare minimum of professionalism to put on the screen. Look at the campy shit I love… SLEEPAWAY CAMP, KILLBOTS (aka CHOPPING MALL), NIGHT OF THE DEMONS… the list goes on and on.
If you look at those films, as cheesy and lowest common denominator as they are, they still look like movies. Most low budget stuff stopped looking like movies in the mid to late ‘90s… there was a shift from B-movies and direct-to-video.
Or maybe it’s all just nostalgia.
Anyway, that’s a lot to say ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is a movie that is a curiosity at most. The quality of the production isn’t theatrical, but I still have to like that there’s a movie hitting some cinemas called ZOMBIE STRIPPERS starring Jenna Jameson that is filled with gore, tits and slapstick humor.
Of course most of the humor is of the “hey… haha… yeah, isn’t this shitty? You know, the movie you’re watching right now… that you probably paid for… we know it’s shitty, too… but look! Tits! Rotting tits!” Or maybe writer/director Jay Lee really thought he was making a good, deeply satirical movie, drinking from the same Kool-Aid cup that Dr. Boll does. I don’t know.
The basic plot begins with a squad of badass elite army people being hired to clean up an underground lab of its zombie infestation. Actually, let’s go back even further than the through-line of the plot. We really open with a newscast informing us that Bush has dissolved Congress and is taking his, I believe, fourth term as President. The world’s fallen into anarchy, we’re at war with a few dozen countries now, etc, etc.
The corporation infested with zombies was researching a way to make the unkillable soldier… we haven’t heard that one before. Oh, and it is also run by Bush, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld whose faces are etched into a door at the very beginning.
We’re informed that the virus instantly turns males into braindead cannibals, but if a female is infected she retains her identity.
So, we immediately begin this movie with hamhanded political satire, some of the most horrible try-too-hard badass dialogue from the either non-actor or soft-core porn actors in camo and then we get neon green hallways. See, it’s green because it’s scary.
One of the army dudes is bitten and flees, somehow finding his way through these cement corridors into an underground strip club run by Robert Englund.
I’m still not quite sure why this club is underground or why it’s in such an obscure and hard to find location, but whatever. There are strippers and they will eventually become undead. That’s all that matters.
The film does not shy away from the boobs or gore. In fact, some of the zombie make-up isn’t half-bad. There’s one particularly good prosthetic when one of the horny guys gets a private dance and has his jaw ripped from his face.
You see, the strippers retain their personalities, grudges, speaking ability, etc.
Robert Englund goes nuts in this movie. He really throws it all on the screen. There are quite a few moments where his director didn’t protect him in the edit and he really goes embarrassingly overboard, but you gotta give the guy his credit. He didn’t take the paycheck and give a half-hearted performance… in a movie called ZOMBIE STRIPPERS. I’d love to see Englund become a well-used character actor again and not just end up in these cheap-o schlockfests.
I’m not really a porn expert, (surprising, I know), so I can’t tell you if Jenna Jameson looks hotter or acts better here than in her other efforts, but for those pervs, she does get naked and shake her big fake tits a lot. She’s the alpha female zombie and has such respectable scenes as shooting ping pong balls out of her (off-camera) zombie cooter at the catty newly zombified stripper trying to take the queen zombie stripper role at the club away from her.
When those ping-pong balls merely bounce off the face of her rival, Ms. Jameson moves up to pool balls… which, when shot out of her still off-camera zombie cooter take off another zombie’s head before sending the rival zombie stripper flying across the room and into a wall.
I know this movie sounds awesome and if it would have been mostly stuff like zombie ping-pong/cue balls scenes it really would have been a good movie. But you have to get through what feels like 2 hours of well-intentioned but painful attempts at character building and some of the most horribly delivered dialogue of anything to ever see the silver screen.
There are moments to enjoy in the movie… in the “rent it and get drunk with the roommate” kind of way, but not nearly enough to make it worth suffering through the rest of the film.
Alright, got more stuff to get ready before I sleep tonight. Keep an eye out, squirts!
-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com
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that is all!
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...that go straight to DVD, like INSIDE. It's depressing that shit like this gets a big screen run.
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marketing ploy,ergo beliving that it will bring in all the horny dweebs.*BZZZT* sorry not good enough.I can imaginge this shit going to DVD in two months.
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It's not that I have seen this film, but there is a regular conversation I have with my friends about low-budget films from the 80's looking like some kind of effort went into it. We disccuss about how we don't know if it's the film stock, the attitude of the film makers, the lighting, but something about them makes them stand up to anything else out there. I don't know what it is... but even the production logo animations at the beginning set such a tone for me, like at the beginning of Day of the Dead... Even Full Moon Entertainment used to make some good-looking movies, and now, all thier movies are the same thing, have the same look, etc. I tried to reproduce some of that feeling with my own short film, and I think it turned out okay, but I constantly want my movies to look like those older horror films. If 28 Days later can do it, there's no good reason not to pull it off, only lame excuses. Rock on Quint!
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But i guess it can be done.
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Seriously, it sounds like a shitty classic: Look at it-Cack handed political satire, naked women, zombie strippers, cannonball cooter, Robert Englund, soft porn actresses, dismal dialogue, this sounds wonderful and a pleasant break from Torture Porn.
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Jenna Jameson went from being one of the hottest chicks in porn to an gaunt orange duck-lipped freak in the space of less than a year and I never understood why until now. Method acting.
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...although whether that's a good thing or a bad thing is, in itself, debatable. I'll check it out on a slow night after it hits rental sometime, no doubt.
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Why didn't these words appear together in the review ? 'Cause it would have been funnier than the whole movie, from the sound of it. That is all.
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but I like to dumb down every once in a while.
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I honestly think that the entertainment industry should put a ban on Zombie flicks for the next ten years. At least until someone can come up with something worthwhile again. In the meantime, get HBO to pick up Robert Kirkman's The Walking Dead and turn it into the brilliant TV series it could and should be.
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or I may have to put the TB hurt on you.
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Over-rated pap with ham-fisted dialogue and characterisation that Akiva Goldsman would flinch at.
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Have you ever slept with one? They save it all for the pole dancin' dollars, let me tell you. A friend of mine got one and instead of just banging her for one night he actually took up with her. Within a year of "giving up the life" she was a fat cow. A sweet girl, no doubt, but geeze oh pete did she ever let herself go!
Anybody know the name of theat stripper perfume...the one they all seem to wear? It's been four years since I've been to a titty bar...but I still can smell that stuff if I try hard enough to recall it. I imagine the "Busted T" chicks all wear it. The new girl, the one that shows off her crotch...she's got a great rack...but she looks a little to jail-baity. Not that I mind or anything.
I hope "Zombie Strippers" is on the TRIPPPLE FEATURE at the Bengies Drive in up in Baltimore sometime soon. They open for the season tonight. The proprietor, D. Edward Vogel, has some strict ass rules and is way over the top, but mam oh man do I love his drive in (and the SnoBalls at the concession stand).
Makes me wanna holler.
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"Doomsday." Or "The Brave One," for that matter.
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Yeah ,the dialogue is a bit tiresome, but that's nothing a decent screenwriter can't fix. I happen to love the characterisation, the structure and the fun cliffhanger plot points. In the right hands, it could be a great show.
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Can't find it now, but it was a Machinima movie called The Porn Star Wars by a BKNeel or BKKneel with basically the same plot line. Minus the Vagina bazooka. Wow they are ripping off crappy ideas now.
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Gotta brush up on those reading comprehension skills haha. His quote was just that it was exactly what you'd expect a movie called Zombie Strippers would be. Point being, studio is clearly desperate for a quote. Only thing good about this movie will be seeing the name on marquees.
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That director musta had his hands full containing the raw cinematic presence that is Jenna Jameson..."Yes Jenna? Oh, those marks on the paper? Those are "WORDS" and you have to say them"
That said...it can't be half as Bad as Cloverfield...a shit B-Movie if ever there was one. -
HEY, HARRY! DID YOU GET MY EMAIL ABOUT STARTING A PETITION TO SAVE JONZE'S "Where the Wild Things Are"....instead of waiting over a year for the studio's version.
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Where is his review for this? You know you want it.
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In my younger days, I lived for movies like this. Why did they seem better then? Because today, everything has a self-aware, ironic tone. It was the "underground" quality of Troma films and Russ Meyer movies, etc. that made them cool. Today, nothing is underground. I hate to blame everything on the net (I am online constantly), but it's a different world where seeking out shlocky movies just isn't as cool as it used to be. Besides, these days I'd rather spend my time catching up on good genre flicks I may have missed than watching movies that are purposely made to be "bad".
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I've always wanted to say that to Jeffery Lyons but he doesn't have a talkback.
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It's got a Zombie hooker and it's full of funny ass shit.
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Seriously this place has turned into aint in film snob news in recent years. There are times when I could really care less about the new thought provoking, powerful Paul Thomas Anderson movie, or this groundbreaking inspirational documentary. Sometimes all you need is a title, some boobs and some gore. Is there something wrong with that? Can we not just be entertained without worrying about being intelligent? -
"That's what I said..."
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awww so this was made before she removed the implants for her porn retirement i guess. too bad, was curious to see what they looked like all natural.
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Technology has given low-budget film makers much more capability. These days, if you are competent and motivated, you can make a movie that has nearly all the production values of a big-budget film. A movie really only looks cheap if the creator doesn't care or is untalented... and if that's the case, the movie will suck. Back in the 80s, people could pour their heart out into a film, and it might look cheap, but you could tell the film maker was trying.
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As I consider legal action against Sony I just want to say to the community at large that if I am responsible for the lowering of the collective intelligence of the world in any way I am sorry. I made Operation Amazon and the sequel Porn Star Wars 2 years ago and the plot similarities are striking. I will repost them shortly for those who wish to compare, even though it might once again cause massive synapse destabilization to a large number of the populous.
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And bear in mind, my screen name has been ZeroCorpse since 1985 (on BBSs) for a reason. I'm a ghoul fan. I have the original run of Vince Locke's "Deadworld" with a custom-drawn Christmas card from Vince himself. I love the zombie genre, but damned if it hasn't become oversaturated in the past ten years or so.
I can appreciate a good B-movie, but the living dead angle has been done to death (no pun intended) and it just needs to go away for a little while, because what's been coming out lately has lacked in originality, and comes off stupid.
Even World War Z was only so-so. It had its moments, and Max Brooks thought of some interesting things to add to zombie lore, but in the end it was still the same old story.
Really. Bring back the slasher genre or something. Hell, create a NEW monster! That would be cool. Just give zombies a rest for a little while. -
I won't lie, Quint, that opening made me really want to fry your ass. But I'll keep my bile in check and instead offer an observation that, hopefully, low-budget filmmakers will read and take to heart and you will as well. Properly shot and edited video can look just as good as the movies you cite that were shot on film. Better, in fact. That kind of cinematography, however, takes work and professionalism, something that can be in fairly short supply when budgets are low and expectations are lower. Video is also intensely useful for the low-budget filmmaker or the filmmaker just starting out, because it means you can push your budget further, but you need to invest that budget wisely; good lighting, good sound, the most experienced personnel you can afford. Nor is film a saving grace: bad cinematography is bad cinematography, no matter what the medium. So let's lay the blame not on the shooting medium but with where it belongs: the filmmakers, not the medium.
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...you fucking nailed it! i've wondered about this for a long time. shit (good) old films still look like films! whereas shit films these days look like shit. Toonol has a point about todays technology but i think this is also a reason why the gap has widened between the look of theatrical features and bargin basement crap. my main point has to be that CHOPPING MALL FUCKING RULES :-)
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Ah, now that I read it again, I got it.
And, yes, they must have been desperate for a quote.
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too windy.
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At my local multiplex last summer, it was Pirates, Knocked Up, Nancy Drew. Sadly I later found out it was three separate movies.
Also reminds me of my days working at blockbuster, and this customer rented three movies. Ordinarily, all innocent titles, but the combination of the three in the order she handed them to me I will never forget. They were Grease 2, Holes, Better Than Sex. -
Playing somebody's nutty neighbor in a one-season sitcom. But don't cry for the guy (even though he certainly won't reprise Freddy in the futile NIGHTMARE remake). He makes loads of cash at conventions. I mean, fans stand in line for over six hours! A couple of fans actually asked him to "do the Freddy voice" which they admitted would be recorded for their phone messages. Most cult celebs would have chastised or ignored them, but Mr. Englund happily obliged!
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Big time. Does that li'l shitbag "company" still exist? Last I heard, their Julie Strain "movies" were gauged as--I quote--"unreleasable". Their overage starlets and "crew" worked for nothing. Troma never tried to make a good movie--Kaufman & Co. filmed tits and carnage, gauging it all as "provocative"! Back o the tar pits, Lloyd.
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So, I'm sure I'll be renting this when it's out of theaters.
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Enough of these horror movies Robert, I want to see you do Hamlet at the Old Vic. It's time to put the Englund in England.
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thats what I like about the trailer...
But as we speak of "aiming low" film production... I once upon a time saw a tiny bit about a U.S. midwest-kinda production co. shelling out cheap action movies.
Explosions and chases and such. This must have been pre-Troma and Pre-Seagal, late 80's or early 90's when there were some Drive-Ins left. The intention of the "film-makers" was only to show it outside of major cities, and there seemed to be a market for that.
Anyone who can confirm this? ...with more details? -
Apr 19, 2008 5:20:03 AM CDT
Retarded, Tri-Colored-Hair-Wearing Critic Luke Y. Thompson...
by heywood jablomie
....described this as "the best movie of the year." This kind of attempt at cuteness should have this rhubarb drummed out of the profession.
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The words "Troma" and "awesome" should never been in the same sentence. If I wanted to see boobs and gore, I'd just watch Reanimator, which, at least, has an okay plot, is not too badly acted, and yet still manages to be fun. I hate all this "look at us making a movie" low-quality crap. There's camping it up and then there's just making a shitty movie and not even being ashamed of it. That's exactly what this sounds like.
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...I download pornography and throw karo syrup onto my monitor.
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RE-ANIMATOR is the perennial needle in a haystack, i.e. a classic B-movie. The director was impassioned with the project (watch the "Making Of--" extra on the Anchor Bay release); he sagely insisted that the actors "play it straight." A precedent was applied to the script and performance. But the assholes who officiated the junkpile called "Troma" never gave a shit about their commerce: Lloyd Kaufman opined that "all ya have to do is pitch tits and gore...we'll profit from being outrageous." Obviously never cared about making a good movie; he just thought he could cruise on provoking controversy. Well--surprise, Lloyd--nobody cares. That's why the Troma legacy is a smoking outhouse--one that has been long abandoned by its tiny public.
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...that would have to be a documentary.
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Sure they used a low-end camera but what most people do not know is that they added a $40,000 Panavision lens to that cheap camera!
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Apr 20, 2008 4:33:46 PM CDT
We've had a lotta laughs tonight, but I'll tell you what's not f
by neomyers
...killin' strippers. Strippers are people too--naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to kill them, 'cause most of them are already dead inside...Good night, folks!
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Thanks for not going with the fry my ass instinct. You have a lot of valid points, but I would argue that I made those exact same points in the actual review. I never said video as a medium was shit. I even cited specific movies that were made on video that looked great. I would argue that it's a very, very limited medium. Now, if you count 2k or 4k HD with video, then you're correct in that it can look just like film. Look at Superbad. I still can't believe that's an HD movie. It has the depth of film, the noise of film (grain), but it doesn't feel like video trying to be film. Spielberg once said he'll never go digital because there's a life in actual film that is absent on video and I concur. He said you can have one static shot of a man sitting in a chair and that man could never move, but the frame is alive with the grain of film. That doesn't mean it'll always be that way, but I think right now we're on the cusp of video matching film's quality and even then it's only the video cameras that cost as much to rent as film cameras (when the red cams proliferate the market there might be some arguments against that). That's where I'm coming from.
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