Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here.

I’ve been trying to rev up to write a review for this film for a few days now, and finding a way into the review was proving elusive. Tonight, as I was talking to Quint in IM about what we’re posting for the morning, I was starting to rev up to it again as we talked:

aicnquint (1:03:12 AM): So, I'm writing up Forbidden Kingdom and Zombie Strippers
aicnquint (1:03:26 AM): and I have my interview with Jackie Chan going up this morning, too
MoriartyAICN (1:22:58 AM): I've got my FORBIDDEN KINGDOM and SARAH MARSHALL this morning.
MoriartyAICN (1:23:07 AM): And one thing.
MoriartyAICN (1:23:12 AM): So... three things.
aicnquint (1:23:14 AM): we'll have tons of Forbidden Kingdom stuff, then
MoriartyAICN (1:23:26 AM): I detested FORBIDDEN KINGDOM.
aicnquint (1:23:38 AM): I'll post mine before the main updates, so it won't all be all bundled together
aicnquint (1:23:47 AM): say what's really on your mind.
aicnquint (1:23:48 AM): heh
MoriartyAICN (1:23:48 AM): I hate NotShia. Whatever his name is.
aicnquint (1:23:59 AM): yeah, aaron hates him, too
MoriartyAICN (1:24:23 AM): I want to punch that kid in the face. With my car. Not literally. But literally.
aicnquint (1:24:25 AM): but the first time I saw him was in Snow Angels and it was so goddamned good that I kind of forgive him his non-personality
MoriartyAICN (1:28:25 AM): I really didn't like him a whole lot in THE MAN IN THE CHAIR.
aicnquint (1:28:36 AM): yeah, I didn't like that either
aicnquint (1:28:48 AM): saw that within weeks of seeing Snow Angels... was excited because he was good in that movie
aicnquint (1:28:52 AM): then I was like... oh...
MoriartyAICN (1:29:14 AM): So I think I am not fond of him in general. In FORBIDDEN KINGDOM, though, he's punchable. Because he really is playing Shia.
MoriartyAICN (1:29:28 AM): It's like Shia was busy.
MoriartyAICN (1:29:38 AM): So they hired this guy and said, "Watch TRANSFORMERS. And do that."
aicnquint (1:32:46 AM): you're not wrong
MoriartyAICN (1:33:36 AM): I will say this...
MoriartyAICN (1:34:04 AM): Because of my feeling of wanting to punch this kid until he learns that he can NEVER IMITATE SHIA AGAIN, there are parts of the film I sort of enjoy.
MoriartyAICN (1:34:11 AM): Most of them involve NotShia being punched.
MoriartyAICN (1:34:14 AM): A lot.
aicnquint (1:34:28 AM): heh
aicnquint (1:34:37 AM): I liked old chan at the beginning
aicnquint (1:34:42 AM): the liberal lifts from Neverending Story
aicnquint (1:34:52 AM): it's a gateway film
aicnquint (1:35:29 AM): it'll get kids interested in hong kong films... introducing them to shit like the monkey king, animal style kung-fu and drunken fist boxing
MoriartyAICN (1:35:35 AM): WRONG!
MoriartyAICN (1:35:42 AM): KUNG-FU PANDA WILL DO THAT!
MoriartyAICN (1:35:44 AM): THIS FILM FAILS!
MoriartyAICN (1:35:46 AM): FAIL!
MoriartyAICN (1:35:47 AM): FAIL!
aicnquint (1:35:48 AM): heh
MoriartyAICN (1:35:49 AM): FAIL!
aicnquint (1:36:08 AM): could very well pull a starkid or whatever the fuck that movie was
aicnquint (1:36:17 AM): but I think it's going to do better than you think it will
MoriartyAICN (1:36:21 AM): I think KUNG FU PANDA is this year's quiet giant.
MoriartyAICN (1:36:24 AM): No one gets it yet.
MoriartyAICN (1:36:31 AM): But it's going to rock.
MoriartyAICN (1:36:38 AM): And it's going to be H U G E.
aicnquint (1:36:42 AM): yeah? I don't think I've even seen a trailer
aicnquint (1:36:47 AM): just the poster
aicnquint (1:36:59 AM): and standees... and it looks... unimpressive on that level
MoriartyAICN (1:37:37 AM): You so don't get it! Exactly what you're talking about... the animal styles... in KUNG FU PANDA, we literally MEET each of those animals, and they are the masters who teach the panda.
MoriartyAICN (1:37:50 AM): Crane style. Mantis style. Tiger style. Monkey style.
MoriartyAICN (1:38:00 AM): It's a genius way to teach it to kids.
MoriartyAICN (1:38:05 AM): GENIUS. And this movie just mentions it but never really plays with it properly. It gives lip service to it, but that's all.
aicnquint (1:38:07 AM): pretty cool
aicnquint (1:38:12 AM): but it won't come out first
MoriartyAICN (1:38:14 AM): And it's a real Shaw movie.
MoriartyAICN (1:38:23 AM): You'll see.
aicnquint (1:38:35 AM): I have no impression of the film other than the posters. I'm open for it
MoriartyAICN (1:39:00 AM): FORBIDDEN KINGDOM = VICE VERSA, man. KUNG FU PANDA = BIG.
MoriartyAICN (1:39:08 AM): First does not always equal bigger.
aicnquint (1:39:29 AM): heh, I happen to like Vice-Versa
MoriartyAICN (1:39:30 AM): KUNG FU PANDA. KUNG FU PANDA. Start saying it. Start feeling it.
MoriartyAICN (1:39:43 AM): Open up your world, Quint!
MoriartyAICN (1:40:02 AM): You know I'm not writing a review for this film now.
MoriartyAICN (1:40:06 AM): I'm just running this IM.
aicnquint (1:40:20 AM): heh, why not?
MoriartyAICN (1:41:53 AM): Jackie's Jackie, and his English actually starts sounding pretty good when he's acting opposite Jet Li. Both guys seem like they're having some fun acting together, and their scenes are pretty good. There are moments...
aicnquint (1:42:40 AM): Yeah, Jet's dialogue is pretty horrible
aicnquint (1:42:59 AM): I liked that Jackie seemed to be having some fun. He was having more fun here than he did in Rush Hour 3... or at least seemed to be
aicnquint (1:43:18 AM): but I didn't think the film was quite as offensive as you do
aicnquint (1:44:10 AM): it's not that good, but I still enjoyed it... but like I said, I really like the Neverending Story element to it, even if it is pretty blatantly ripped off
MoriartyAICN (1:49:18 AM): When are you posting your stuff?
aicnquint (1:49:28 AM): just about finished with my zombie strippers review
aicnquint (1:49:40 AM): gotta write kingdom of heaven before I post up my 3 trade stories
MoriartyAICN (1:49:46 AM): Okay.
MoriartyAICN (1:49:52 AM): Let me know when you're rolling.
aicnquint (1:50:01 AM): cool
MoriartyAICN (1:50:03 AM): SPEED RACER, by the way...
aicnquint (1:50:11 AM): ssssiiiii....
MoriartyAICN (1:50:15 AM): ... that's another conversation.
aicnquint (1:50:20 AM): haha
MoriartyAICN (1:50:21 AM): I'll just say this...
aicnquint (1:50:21 AM): you saw it?
MoriartyAICN (1:50:25 AM): The hipsters will hate it.
MoriartyAICN (1:50:45 AM): It's earnest. It's sincere. It's Speed motherfuckin' Racer.
MoriartyAICN (1:51:56 AM): Anyway... get to it. I've got writing to do, and I have to cut and paste everything we said here to save myself from writing a review. Thanks, Quint.

Drew McWeeny, Los Angeles