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Moriarty Chats His Way Out Of Reviewing THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here. I’ve been trying to rev up to write a review for this film for a few days now, and finding a way into the review was proving elusive. Tonight, as I was talking to Quint in IM about what we’re posting for the morning, I was starting to rev up to it again as we talked:

aicnquint (1:03:12 AM): So, I'm writing up Forbidden Kingdom and Zombie Strippers aicnquint (1:03:26 AM): and I have my interview with Jackie Chan going up this morning, too MoriartyAICN (1:22:58 AM): I've got my FORBIDDEN KINGDOM and SARAH MARSHALL this morning. MoriartyAICN (1:23:07 AM): And one thing. MoriartyAICN (1:23:12 AM): So... three things. aicnquint (1:23:14 AM): we'll have tons of Forbidden Kingdom stuff, then MoriartyAICN (1:23:26 AM): I detested FORBIDDEN KINGDOM. aicnquint (1:23:38 AM): I'll post mine before the main updates, so it won't all be all bundled together aicnquint (1:23:47 AM): say what's really on your mind. aicnquint (1:23:48 AM): heh MoriartyAICN (1:23:48 AM): I hate NotShia. Whatever his name is. aicnquint (1:23:59 AM): yeah, aaron hates him, too MoriartyAICN (1:24:23 AM): I want to punch that kid in the face. With my car. Not literally. But literally. aicnquint (1:24:25 AM): but the first time I saw him was in Snow Angels and it was so goddamned good that I kind of forgive him his non-personality MoriartyAICN (1:28:25 AM): I really didn't like him a whole lot in THE MAN IN THE CHAIR. aicnquint (1:28:36 AM): yeah, I didn't like that either aicnquint (1:28:48 AM): saw that within weeks of seeing Snow Angels... was excited because he was good in that movie aicnquint (1:28:52 AM): then I was like... oh... MoriartyAICN (1:29:14 AM): So I think I am not fond of him in general. In FORBIDDEN KINGDOM, though, he's punchable. Because he really is playing Shia. MoriartyAICN (1:29:28 AM): It's like Shia was busy. MoriartyAICN (1:29:38 AM): So they hired this guy and said, "Watch TRANSFORMERS. And do that." aicnquint (1:32:46 AM): you're not wrong MoriartyAICN (1:33:36 AM): I will say this... MoriartyAICN (1:34:04 AM): Because of my feeling of wanting to punch this kid until he learns that he can NEVER IMITATE SHIA AGAIN, there are parts of the film I sort of enjoy. MoriartyAICN (1:34:11 AM): Most of them involve NotShia being punched. MoriartyAICN (1:34:14 AM): A lot. aicnquint (1:34:28 AM): heh aicnquint (1:34:37 AM): I liked old chan at the beginning aicnquint (1:34:42 AM): the liberal lifts from Neverending Story aicnquint (1:34:52 AM): it's a gateway film aicnquint (1:35:29 AM): it'll get kids interested in hong kong films... introducing them to shit like the monkey king, animal style kung-fu and drunken fist boxing MoriartyAICN (1:35:35 AM): WRONG! MoriartyAICN (1:35:42 AM): KUNG-FU PANDA WILL DO THAT! MoriartyAICN (1:35:44 AM): THIS FILM FAILS! MoriartyAICN (1:35:46 AM): FAIL! MoriartyAICN (1:35:47 AM): FAIL! aicnquint (1:35:48 AM): heh MoriartyAICN (1:35:49 AM): FAIL! aicnquint (1:36:08 AM): could very well pull a starkid or whatever the fuck that movie was aicnquint (1:36:17 AM): but I think it's going to do better than you think it will MoriartyAICN (1:36:21 AM): I think KUNG FU PANDA is this year's quiet giant. MoriartyAICN (1:36:24 AM): No one gets it yet. MoriartyAICN (1:36:31 AM): But it's going to rock. MoriartyAICN (1:36:38 AM): And it's going to be H U G E. aicnquint (1:36:42 AM): yeah? I don't think I've even seen a trailer aicnquint (1:36:47 AM): just the poster aicnquint (1:36:59 AM): and standees... and it looks... unimpressive on that level MoriartyAICN (1:37:37 AM): You so don't get it! Exactly what you're talking about... the animal styles... in KUNG FU PANDA, we literally MEET each of those animals, and they are the masters who teach the panda. MoriartyAICN (1:37:50 AM): Crane style. Mantis style. Tiger style. Monkey style. MoriartyAICN (1:38:00 AM): It's a genius way to teach it to kids. MoriartyAICN (1:38:05 AM): GENIUS. And this movie just mentions it but never really plays with it properly. It gives lip service to it, but that's all. aicnquint (1:38:07 AM): pretty cool aicnquint (1:38:12 AM): but it won't come out first MoriartyAICN (1:38:14 AM): And it's a real Shaw movie. MoriartyAICN (1:38:23 AM): You'll see. aicnquint (1:38:35 AM): I have no impression of the film other than the posters. I'm open for it MoriartyAICN (1:39:00 AM): FORBIDDEN KINGDOM = VICE VERSA, man. KUNG FU PANDA = BIG. MoriartyAICN (1:39:08 AM): First does not always equal bigger. aicnquint (1:39:29 AM): heh, I happen to like Vice-Versa MoriartyAICN (1:39:30 AM): KUNG FU PANDA. KUNG FU PANDA. Start saying it. Start feeling it. MoriartyAICN (1:39:43 AM): Open up your world, Quint! MoriartyAICN (1:40:02 AM): You know I'm not writing a review for this film now. MoriartyAICN (1:40:06 AM): I'm just running this IM. aicnquint (1:40:20 AM): heh, why not? MoriartyAICN (1:41:53 AM): Jackie's Jackie, and his English actually starts sounding pretty good when he's acting opposite Jet Li. Both guys seem like they're having some fun acting together, and their scenes are pretty good. There are moments... aicnquint (1:42:40 AM): Yeah, Jet's dialogue is pretty horrible aicnquint (1:42:59 AM): I liked that Jackie seemed to be having some fun. He was having more fun here than he did in Rush Hour 3... or at least seemed to be aicnquint (1:43:18 AM): but I didn't think the film was quite as offensive as you do aicnquint (1:44:10 AM): it's not that good, but I still enjoyed it... but like I said, I really like the Neverending Story element to it, even if it is pretty blatantly ripped off MoriartyAICN (1:49:18 AM): When are you posting your stuff? aicnquint (1:49:28 AM): just about finished with my zombie strippers review aicnquint (1:49:40 AM): gotta write kingdom of heaven before I post up my 3 trade stories MoriartyAICN (1:49:46 AM): Okay. MoriartyAICN (1:49:52 AM): Let me know when you're rolling. aicnquint (1:50:01 AM): cool MoriartyAICN (1:50:03 AM): SPEED RACER, by the way... aicnquint (1:50:11 AM): ssssiiiii.... MoriartyAICN (1:50:15 AM): ... that's another conversation. aicnquint (1:50:20 AM): haha MoriartyAICN (1:50:21 AM): I'll just say this... aicnquint (1:50:21 AM): you saw it? MoriartyAICN (1:50:25 AM): The hipsters will hate it. MoriartyAICN (1:50:45 AM): It's earnest. It's sincere. It's Speed motherfuckin' Racer. MoriartyAICN (1:51:56 AM): Anyway... get to it. I've got writing to do, and I have to cut and paste everything we said here to save myself from writing a review. Thanks, Quint.

Drew McWeeny, Los Angeles

Readers Talkback
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  • April 18, 2008, 4:09 a.m. CST

    so when are we going to see that speed racer review mori?

    by ampersand110

    thought i read that you were going to see it sometime this week.

  • April 18, 2008, 4:12 a.m. CST

    and have you seen kung fu panda ??

    by ampersand110

    or is all that just from what you've heard from various people

  • April 18, 2008, 4:14 a.m. CST

    Kung Fu Panda looks awesome

    by Rindain

    Best Dreamworks yet, by far.

  • April 18, 2008, 4:33 a.m. CST

    Is that the sky high kid?

    by red_weed

    Sky high was great, but not really because of that kid. In fact i watched snow angels just the other day, and loved it, but i don't even remember that kid being in it at all... hmm. Anyway YAY KUNG FU PANDA and YAY SPEED RACER and, zombie strippers? I saw the trailer... uhhhh...

  • April 18, 2008, 4:51 a.m. CST

    Enjoyed that...

    by Boba Fat

    it was like eavesdropping. Now if we can get some secret webcams set up my AICN Voyeur experience will be complete...and maybe if you both wore fishnet tights?

  • April 18, 2008, 5:14 a.m. CST

    I don't know if Moriarty is arrogant or charming...

    by Womb2dooM

    But he's cable of passing a grin across my chin so I think I'll let him continue to write for this site. It will please me.

  • April 18, 2008, 5:50 a.m. CST

    Fuck Jackie Chan!!

    by MaxTheSilent

    I grew up watching him in his prime. Even met him a few times. But if he can't discern utter shit like this, RUSH SHOUR 3 and THE TUXEDO then I have no use for him. To redeem himself he needs to do either DRUNKEN MASTER 3, or SHANGHAI DAWN.

  • April 18, 2008, 6:25 a.m. CST


    by travis-dane


  • April 18, 2008, 6:27 a.m. CST

    Nice chat, but is it good or not?

    by DerLanghaarige


  • April 18, 2008, 6:29 a.m. CST

    With Quint on Kung Fu Panda.

    by Kurutteru Yatsu

    Everything I've seen-- posters, trailers, images-- does nothing for me. It looks like another CGI movie with talking animals. At best it'll be a download when I'm bored.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:22 a.m. CST

    Best. Review. Ever.

    by Zarles

    This should be a monthly feature, only next time, Mori and Quint should start cybersexing with each other at the end. Awesome.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:24 a.m. CST


    by Series7

    It must be hard out here for a writer. I always forget which overseaers have jobs and which ones are writers.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:25 a.m. CST

    Oh and

    by Series7

    Kung Fu Panda looks like crap. And no one can answer which came first. The Kung Fu Panda of the Kung Fu Skunk?

  • April 18, 2008, 7:28 a.m. CST


    by Series7

    I love reading a post where its dropped that someones seen another more anticipated movie. And then that review never materializes.

  • April 18, 2008, 8:02 a.m. CST

    Kung Fu Panda?

    by gengrievous82

    I know a trailer shouldn't speak for a movie. I realized that after seeing Pearl Harbor. However, I can't ignore certain exceptions. The very first Wall-E teaser was charming. The character's appeal really came through just in that tiny teaser. Then the trailers came out and I fell in love with the character. I saw the Forbidden Kingdom trailer. While it didn't knock me out of my socks, it looked interesting. When I went to see Spiderwick Chronicles in the IMAX, they showed the trailer for Kung Fu Panda. After throwing up in my mouth when I saw all the blatant voice casting advertising I realized that this was supposed to be a comedy. The only funny thing about the trailer was that no one in the theater was laughing. Every single joke fell flat and none of the characters were appealing. At least the Forbidden Kingdom trailer made me smirk.

  • April 18, 2008, 8:08 a.m. CST

    With Mori on Kung Fu Panda ... Will Be HUGE

    by cowboyone

    ... and how can Quint have NOT seen the trailer yet?! WTF?

  • April 18, 2008, 8:10 a.m. CST

    Alternate Colors on Quint and Mori

    by cowboyone

    It would help flow and legibility. AICN would REALLY benefit from some simple design help (and spell check).

  • April 18, 2008, 8:21 a.m. CST

    What the fuck was that?

    by Robots In Das Guys

    Mori, instead of posting that ''One thing I jerk off to today'' shite, how about we get to see some REAL reviews? An IM converation? Tell us why this movie sucks. On another note, since this is an IM article after all: Where's the part where you and Quint masturbate on cam?

  • April 18, 2008, 8:24 a.m. CST

    BTW, FUCK YOU PANDA looks like shite

    by Robots In Das Guys

    Wich means I will probably have to see it, and will like it. **yawn**

  • April 18, 2008, 8:35 a.m. CST

    "THIS FILM FAILS! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!" -- We may have our newest m

    by JasonPratt

    Best non-review I've ever read, btw! {g} Sincerely, good job Mor.

  • April 18, 2008, 9:10 a.m. CST

    by the way

    instead of wasting your "insider" powers on this shit, why doesn't the Justice League of Movie Geeks infiltrate warner bros or legendary pictures & convince those evil lords to release JONZE'S "Where the Wild Things Are"

  • April 18, 2008, 9:43 a.m. CST

    Stop mentioning Kung Fu Panda while discussing Forbidden Kingdom

    by GibsonUSA

    WTF, its not even out yet and uts a CG cartoon. That convo was highly "punchable"

  • April 18, 2008, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Heh, this was fun

    by waggy

    "I want to punch him. WIth my car. Not literally. But literally." Looks like Mori's got a little Neil Cumpston in him afterall.

  • April 18, 2008, 10 a.m. CST

    Moriarty's chat.

    by Sithtastic

    What a disappointment. I was looking forward to The Forbidden Kingdom, but given this exchange I realize I can save my money.

  • April 18, 2008, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Mori hated a movie?!! NO WAY!!

    by Mike_D

    *ends sarcasm*

  • April 18, 2008, 10:08 a.m. CST

    So how much

    by Series7

    Money is dreamworks giving AICN to play up Kung Fu Panda? Even though Wall-e is going to be so much better? Brought to you by Carls Jr.

  • April 18, 2008, 10:29 a.m. CST

    There's no way Kung Fu Panda > Wall-E

    by GibsonUSA

    And "Mori" sounded like an assclown in that chat/review. And assclowns I do not trust.

  • April 18, 2008, 10:31 a.m. CST


    by ABking

    Like AB has always said, this film will be the BOMB of May! I hope the brothers will make a better film next and ditch JOEL SILVER! Drew, not only the hipsters, but 95% of people who see it!

  • April 18, 2008, 11:13 a.m. CST

    Mori, I think you've also seen him in a little movie...

    by Lenny Nero the name of "Almost Famous."

  • April 18, 2008, 11:15 a.m. CST

    And "Lords of Dogtown."

    by Lenny Nero

    Just saying.

  • April 18, 2008, 12:08 p.m. CST

    Kung Fu Panda

    by Toonol

    <p>I'm dreading it. I'll have to see it (kids) but it looks terrible.</p> <p>Forbidden Kingdom looks like it might be dumb fun. I'm not sure. The first trailer made it look terrible, the second looked much more promising. I mainly just want to see the assassin chick that uses her long silver hair as a weapon.</p>

  • April 18, 2008, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Mori will always have at least ONE fan...

    by Borgnine JR

    ....himself. Lately he's been reminding me of Richard Roeper, at least in tone.

  • April 18, 2008, 6:35 p.m. CST


    by BartholomewNeff

    What the heck is a hipster? Splain pleeeezzzz!

  • April 19, 2008, 12:47 a.m. CST

    This movie=EPIC FAIL

    by Rocklover79

    You have two lengendary martial artists in the same film, and build the film around some token white kid that the audience doesn't know or even mildly like. You give the audience a muddled, boring, and utterly predictable storyline. You provide the viewers with some decent action, but nothing that they haven't seen before in any other movie involving martial arts wirework. Sounds like an epic fail to me. Epic fucking fail.

  • April 19, 2008, 12:51 a.m. CST


    by Rocklover79

    We screened this thing for free at my school on Wednesday(NC STATE GO WOLFPACK!), and I have never seen that many Asian kids in our movie theater before. Place was packed, and when THEY leave the theater pissed off, grumbling about how some whitey bogarted the movie away from what they came to see, you've got a problem.

  • April 20, 2008, 10:22 p.m. CST

    It failed all the way to #1 at the BO

    by zillabeast

    A travesty. Only in America, I tell you.

  • April 20, 2008, 10:22 p.m. CST

    It failed all the way to #1 at the BO

    by zillabeast

    A travesty. Only in America, I tell you.