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Are We Really Closer To A SWORD AND THE SORCERER Pseudo-Sequel?? With Lee Horsley, No Less??

Merrick here...
Twitch has some information about a "sequel" of sorts to THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER. It's called TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE. It's been a while since I've seen SWORD, but wasn't this promised on a title card at the end of the movie? Seems Albert Pyun, SWORD's writer/director, never forgot that promise.
Tales of an Ancient Empire the new film casts Horsley as a mercenary general and father to stars Christopher Lambert - himself making a return to the genre that made him an international star - Kevin Sorbo and Victoria Maurette. There are offers out to a number of other significant stars of the genre but nothing is final on those fronts just yet.
...says THIS ARTICLE at Twitch. There are a few other details in the article as well...check it out.
Twitch had this information last week & it fell through the cracks here. Thought it warranted mention all the same.

Readers Talkback
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  • April 16, 2008, 10:51 a.m. CST


    by SkidMarkedUndies

    Fast and Furious article posting going on here.

  • April 16, 2008, 10:51 a.m. CST


    by SkidMarkedUndies

    YEA!!!! <crickets> Sorry.

  • April 16, 2008, 10:55 a.m. CST

    I hope it's more Highlander...

    by DC Films

    ...than Highlander 2! (oh, and FIRST:)

  • April 16, 2008, 10:56 a.m. CST


    by DC Films

  • April 16, 2008, 11 a.m. CST


    by D o o d

    before Uwe Boll gets his hands on it..!!

  • April 16, 2008, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Great Picture

    by romino

    I remeber seeing this movie when I was a Kid in an old theater. The I got it on VHS and I saw it at least once a month for the next three years. I loved it. I hust hop ethat this remake does justice to those memories.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:02 a.m. CST


    by RCFOM

    This sound totally Craptastic but I will watch when it comes to DVD.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:05 a.m. CST

    Not bad news

    by CuervoJones

    Please, let it be a b-movie.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:06 a.m. CST

    Christopher Lambert and Kevin Sorbo, huh?

    by a goonie

    Well, with those two guys and the terrible quality of the original cheesefest, this could either be disastrous, or hilariously entertaining b-movie heaven. I really remember "The Sword and the Sorcerer" being absolutely awful and not in a fun way, but it's been a while, so perhaps it's worth another look.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:11 a.m. CST

    This has just jumped

    by Juggernaut125

    to the top of my 'Must See' list above TDK, Indy IV and Iron Man. Can't wait. Such a huge fan!

  • April 16, 2008, 11:12 a.m. CST

    Will Bull from Night Court

    by skimn

    make an appearance? Get Van Damme in a long wig for that extra cheesy goodness.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:17 a.m. CST

    Holy shit!

    by DocPazuzu

    I can't believe this is actually getting made. Let's hope it's not a cop-out and that Horsley is indeed playing Talon himself, not simply being cast as a wink to the fans. <p> If there isn't outrageous gore, ludicrous weapons, horrible dialogue and female nekkitude I will be outraged, yes, outraged I say!

  • April 16, 2008, 11:19 a.m. CST

    Kevin Sorbo is the worst actor I've ever seen

    by Datascream

    it looks like this film is filled with has-beens. Keep in mind Kevin Sorbo's last film was "Meet the Spartans". I guess you could call him a "Never-was". But seriously, the only good thing that came out of Christopher Lambert was Highlander, and we never see him anymore because he's washed up. This smells like DTV to me.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:23 a.m. CST

    From Pyun's own lips:

    by DocPazuzu

    "It’s got a sexy sorceress, hordes of demonic vampires, a giant serpent, sea pirates, nasty sword (and axe, spear, leg of cow) fights and gore and nudity galore. Everything that a rousing adventure needs to have." <p> SOLD!

  • April 16, 2008, 11:23 a.m. CST

    Well fuck...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    ...why not throw Marc Singer in there for good measure?

  • April 16, 2008, 11:24 a.m. CST


    by dizzywhip

    i hope so. the more medieval fantasy movies the better.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:25 a.m. CST

    This might almost...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...make me forgive Pyun for Captain "rubber ears" America. <p> Almost.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:27 a.m. CST

    Eff this fantasy bullshit!

    by Cisco Dyke

    Bring back Matt Houston and his super-computer.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Oh Hell yes!

    by Blue_Demon

    I loves me some good B Movie action! My childhood was spent watching stuff like this because in my rinky-dink hometown we only had a crappy old one-screen theater and a drive in. All the good movies went to Harlingen, Texas...twenty one miles away.<p>Bring on the sword fights and wenches!

  • April 16, 2008, 11:37 a.m. CST


    by Rat Fink

    I haven't seen that in a loooong time. The sequel will definitely direct to DVD but I don't give a shit cause I'd rather pay $4 bucks than $8 to see a Kevin Sorbo Christopher Lambert film.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:42 a.m. CST

    They need to do a sequel for Ladyhawke

    by Rat Fink

    Just thought I'd throw that out there

  • April 16, 2008, 11:43 a.m. CST

    Sword and the Sorcerer 2: Electric Bugaloo

    by DrEdwardMorbius

    ...someone had to say it. I have to admit of those flicks in this fantasy genre, I believe SatS to be one of the better ones, let's just hope this is better than the 3 Beastmaster follow-ups that were strictly vomit inducing...

  • April 16, 2008, 11:46 a.m. CST

    Lee Horsely? Wasnt he Sam Houston?

    by Baron Karza

    The TV show Sam Houston?

  • April 16, 2008, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Lee Horsley is the poor man's Tom Selleck

    by Flim Springfield

  • April 16, 2008, 11:49 a.m. CST

    I 'won' brunch with Kevin Sorbo at a silent auction..

    by Baron Karza

    I gave it away.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:49 a.m. CST

    Sword and the Sorcerer 2: Matt Houston's Revenge

    by Yeti

    Actually this good be a fun rental. D&D was a really good, BAD movie.

  • April 16, 2008, 11:51 a.m. CST

    I thought he was a poor mans Burt Reynolds

    by Rat Fink

  • April 16, 2008, 11:57 a.m. CST

    Matt Houston's Secretary...

    by DrEdwardMorbius

    ...was about as hot as they came back then...I believe she was also Princess Ardella in the Buck Rogers TV show (first season...before Hawk)...

  • April 16, 2008, 11:59 a.m. CST

    Quite simply the best news of 2008

    by Jawa 007

    And shame upon thou who disses the name Sorbo!

  • April 16, 2008, 11:59 a.m. CST

    Lambert's bad enough, but Sorbo will work for food

    by BiggusDickus

    'Meet The Spartans' anyone?<p>The man has no shame...

  • April 16, 2008, 12:03 p.m. CST

    Matt Houston's secretary...

    by BiggusDickus

    ...I believe the lady was called Pamela something and she was absolutely filthy.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:04 p.m. CST

    Hey, what are Gil Gerard and Dirk Benedict up to?

    by Christopher3

    Throw them in too.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:07 p.m. CST

    Sorbo can sod off !!

    by pumaman

    I own The Sword & The Sorcerer on DVD . I actually looked for it on Ebay about a year ago. Its a brilliant, campy gory classic with some nice lady skin on show. Lee Horsley ( Talon) reminds me more of Han Solo than a Magnum wannabe, and is great in the lead role. Now, please don'tlet Sorbo on this movie. He's one of those actors that refused to cut his mullet, even for his role in the Godawful tv show Andromeda. He wouldn't dare buzz the back of his hair. I would love to see Marc Singer make an appearance in this film , and also perhaps a certain Hawk The Slayer ? :-)

  • April 16, 2008, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Rat Fink...Ladyhawke sequel really could work...

    by FlickaPoo

    ...they will never do it, but Rutger Hauer can still kick ass, Michelle Pfeiffer is still hot, and Matthew Broderick just needs to lose a little weight...

  • April 16, 2008, 12:14 p.m. CST

    Oh, and PLEASE don't start the fucking titles...

    by FlickaPoo

    ...with puns and shit. It's like kids at a slumber party who can't stop giggling at the same silly joke because it's way past their bed time...

  • April 16, 2008, 12:18 p.m. CST

    Hensley! That was it!

    by BiggusDickus

    I've just Google'd the lady and I was indeed right.<p>Filthy.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:20 p.m. CST

    hells yeah

    by disfigurehead

    How bad can it be? I am up for some cheesy-ness.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:20 p.m. CST

    matt houston ftw.

    by frankenfickle

  • April 16, 2008, 12:22 p.m. CST


    by Stevie Grant

    after watching that trailer I now realize that my life will be meaningless until I get a sword that shoots smaller swords.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:24 p.m. CST

    I just got off the phone with Chris Carter...

    by mooseaka

    ... and he told me the new X-Files movie is going to be called: X-Files: I Want To Believe.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:32 p.m. CST

    Tom Selleck was the poor man's Tom Selleck

    by canopus

  • April 16, 2008, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Tom Selleck's Moustache

    by pumaman

    Even old Tom has admitted that he only grew that huge moustache because the gap between his nose and top lip was so immense that you could park 3 busses in there. Loved him in friends though:-)

  • April 16, 2008, 12:39 p.m. CST

    Will we ever get the promised Mac & Me sequel though?

    by DirkD13"

    They said that they'd be back.........

  • April 16, 2008, 12:40 p.m. CST

    More info on Lee ( Talon

    by pumaman

  • April 16, 2008, 12:42 p.m. CST


    by pumaman

    hit the wrong key :-) anyway, as I was saying ... Got this from Google : He loves the outdoors and hosts a hunting series on the Outdoor Life Network. It's called "Benelli's Dream Hunts."

  • April 16, 2008, 12:43 p.m. CST

    Ex Sheena Tanya Roberts

    by skimn

    was looking good on That 70's Show as the next door MILF..we could FILL this movie with 80's B-movie icons.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:43 p.m. CST

    Fuck this! Where is SpaceBalls 2...

    by Brians Life

    ...the Search For More Money!!!?!?!? SUCKAS!!! I think the Sword and the Sorcerer was my first breast experience...unfortunately I just saw it this morning....ZING! Nah, I was like 8.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:44 p.m. CST

    9,999 B.C.

    by Diagnostic

    Is there a chance they could make this with out CG? <br> I would like to see the creativity of what they can do now with out CG.

  • April 16, 2008, 12:56 p.m. CST

    Shit I though Mel Brooks was already dead

    by Rat Fink

  • April 16, 2008, 12:57 p.m. CST

    Where's the Krull sequel?

    by Rat Fink

  • April 16, 2008, 12:59 p.m. CST

    flikapoo, sorry about the titles...

    by DrEdwardMorbius

    ...funny titles are teh suk...just sayin'...

  • April 16, 2008, 1:02 p.m. CST

    The X-Files: I want to believe "this movie will rock but I'm afr

    by Rat Fink

    Now that's what the title should be

  • April 16, 2008, 1:23 p.m. CST


    by MJAYACE

    Hawk the Slayer. Dude you brought back some memories. Remember the "hand" sword? Jack Palance as a wizard. some fish eating short dude. Great genre B-flick. Must have seen that twenty times in the early eighties. Hey does anyone remember a short lived TV show (about that time) with a couple of I think teenagers with some watch that let them travel through time? I just have some vague imagery and memory of liking that show even though I have no idea what it was called. thanks.

  • April 16, 2008, 1:28 p.m. CST

    Mel Brooks still raking in bucks

    by skimn

    from the Broadway production of Young Frankenstein. Shame on you thinking Mr. Brooks dead. Dude's still alive and kicking at 81.

  • April 16, 2008, 1:31 p.m. CST

    Saw Wings Hauser

    by skimn

    on a recent Bones. Could see him as an old warrior type.

  • April 16, 2008, 1:35 p.m. CST


    by CaptGrogan

    I was 13 when this came out. Yes, its cheesy. Yes, its D level actors and HELL YES I'd be there opening night!

  • April 16, 2008, 1:44 p.m. CST


    by khaos751

    I believe that show was called "Voyagers" and it was one kid and older guy. If I remember correctly, the actor that played the older guy accidently killed himself on set by shooting a blank from a gun into his temple.

  • April 16, 2008, 2 p.m. CST

    Thanks Khaos

    by MJAYACE

    The things we forget over the years. One other question for you some of you supergeeks: anybody hear anything new on the Star Blazers live action movie that was supposed to be happening? Nothing comes up in a search. There is some debate, but in my opinion Star Blazers was THE cartoon of my younger years and kicked all kinds of you know what... The absolute best. Literally holds almost as much nostalgia as Star Wars (old stuff) to me.

  • April 16, 2008, 2:01 p.m. CST


    by skimn

    You are correct sir! It was Jon-Erik Hexum who played Phineas Bogg. He died by a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head by a blank gun on the set of Cover Up.

  • April 16, 2008, 2:09 p.m. CST


    by khaos751

    Wow! I guess the cobwebs in my mind aren't as thick as I thought. Although, I thought he killed himself on the set of Voyagers. Still, not too bad considering I was 6 or 7 at the time.

  • April 16, 2008, 2:22 p.m. CST

    FUCK YES!!

    by Underoos Hero

    This is what the fuck I'm talkn' bout!! Fuck!!

  • April 16, 2008, 2:26 p.m. CST


    by khaos751

    The only articles I can find on a Star Blazers movie are about a year old. I did find this on a MySpace forum, "I had read somewhere that execs tried to americanize the movie...changing names and such...i.e. the argo was changed to the Arizona...when all was said and done the movie wasnt starblazers anymore so the studio dropped the idea." FWIW

  • April 16, 2008, 2:30 p.m. CST

    Late at night on Cinemax...


    when the parents were away, my brother and I would watch this with glee in our little hearts! Oh, to catch a glipse of nipple and a severed head!

  • April 16, 2008, 2:34 p.m. CST

    This was a pretty good movie..

    by Hotscot

    in a cheesy entertaining way. From what I remember it was far better than the first Conan movie.

  • April 16, 2008, 2:47 p.m. CST the Wave Motion Gun !

    by Ninja Nerd

    Would love to see StarBlazers done well. I always thought the WMG was cooler than the Death Star's little green laser thingie. And don't forget the Black Tiger Squadron!

  • April 16, 2008, 2:51 p.m. CST


    by Embeedeuce

  • April 16, 2008, 2:57 p.m. CST


    by Underoos Hero

    hahahaha....I did the same shit.

  • April 16, 2008, 2:59 p.m. CST

    Right on Ninja Nerd, Starblazers live action

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    is what we need. That or Robotech. Just keep Bay and Spielberg away from it. I actually like Transformers but Starblazers, unlike Transformers, was never a 30 minute toy commercial for Hasbro. You've seen rebirth online I take it?

  • April 16, 2008, 3:01 p.m. CST

    I was going to say hell no to this sequel, but

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    if it has Horsley, I'll catch it. He was a fool on Matt Houstoun to never get it on with Princess Ardalla. And that sword... what more needs to be said. The only thing badder than that was Maul's double bladed saber.

  • April 16, 2008, 3:13 p.m. CST

    Wasn't there a sword and sorcery flick

    by skimn

    Ralph Bashki was working on that he stated would be like a Frank Frazetta painting come to life..?

  • April 16, 2008, 3:33 p.m. CST

    Star Blazers khaos

    by MJAYACE

    Sounds like its dead in the water. Thanks anyway. Ninja, agree the shock from the gun always knocked the shit out of everything and likely rightfully so given something of that power. They could make a movie like that badass given the hulls of battleships that are lying around. Oh well some day maybe. I know its blasphemy on this site but I would rather see PJ and company take a live action Starblazers on rather than the Hobbit--to me the Hobbit just wasn't as good a story as Lord of the Rings--kind of a been there/done that to a lesser extent. Oh well, I am sure they will fluff it up enough to make it grander. Later folks.

  • April 16, 2008, 3:34 p.m. CST

    needs Miles O'Keefe, the Barbarian bros, and Adrienne Barbeaux's

    by Groothewarrior

    Wilt Chamberlain too!

  • April 16, 2008, 4:30 p.m. CST

    "Metalstorm" and "Yor, Hunter of the Future"

    by kabong

    demand equal sequelization

  • April 16, 2008, 4:41 p.m. CST

    What the hell was the name of that TV show?

    by Hikaru Ichijo

    I want to say it was on ABC during the height of the Sword and Sorcery boom of the early eighties. Two male leads defended a kingdom against an army of chintzy villains, including a sorceress in a bikini. It might have lasted an entire season. There has to be someone on this TB that can tell me the name. I couldn't get enough of it then, it would be cool to see again now.

  • April 16, 2008, 4:42 p.m. CST

    oh, and it had a lot of comic relief

    by Hikaru Ichijo

    unless it was just that bad.

  • April 16, 2008, 5:15 p.m. CST

    Hikaru Ichijo...

    by Blue_Demon

    I think the TV series you are talking about was called "Wizards and Warriors." It stared Jeff Conaway from "Taxi."<p>Skimm, are you talking about Ralph Bakshi's "Fire and Ice" or something more recent?

  • April 16, 2008, 5:50 p.m. CST

    I loved SotS back in the day

    by palimpsest

    I saw it on original release in the UK in 1982 (within a few weeks of PSYCHO 2, another favourite from then, as I recall). NOt seen it for years, but I've got big-ass affection for the movie. Don't fuck it up.

  • April 16, 2008, 6:14 p.m. CST

    What!? No "Beastmaster" remake!?

    by ugh

    You know Marc Singer and Tanya Roberts are available. Oouuuh, how about a "Sheena: Queen of the Jungle" remake?

  • April 16, 2008, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Was'nt Pyun responsible for that shitty Capt America Movie?

    by Stalkeye

    Y'know the one with the plastic ears and Italian Red Skull? <p>And what has he done since.....................................?<p>

  • April 16, 2008, 6:52 p.m. CST

    Moral of the story...

    by Gozu

    Get your news from Twitch

  • April 16, 2008, 8:38 p.m. CST

    Wait--how old is Lee Horsey, er Horsley, to be Lambert's dad?

    by MrMysteryGuest

    ...and Kevin Sorbo's dad? There'd better be a lotta makeup!

  • April 16, 2008, 8:52 p.m. CST

    Sword and the Sorcerer is what Conan....

    by glodene

    should've been. I loved that movie back in the day...In fact, i still have the laser disc. It had all the old Conan cliches: Standin' in the alley way with a leg of mutton in one and a flagon of ale in the other before rescueing some buxom wench from being raped. He had that special 3-pronged sword with the flip of the switch that turned it into a projectile an' shit. (ultimate phallic symbol). That flick was one of the brightest moments in an otherwise soulless 80's. I was so happy when at the end of the credits roll, it announced that Talon will return in TALES OF FROM THE ANCIENT EMPIRE! Damn! Now it's finally gonna happen (hopefully).

  • April 16, 2008, 9:01 p.m. CST


    by glodene

    Conan sucked! If you read the novels or Roy Thomas/John Bucema Marvel Adapted comics, then you'd know that Millius didn't have a clue on what Conan was about. The critics were right on in regards to their disdain of those two Conan flicks. - They were shit! The mere mention of those muthafuckas' is enough to drive into Memories-of-Murder-like rant. Ooooop! I think i just did go off on rant. Sorry. Damn, i hated those Conan movies though.

  • April 16, 2008, 10:08 p.m. CST

    This corpse of a movie

    by kafka07

    was buried in the dirt of time for a reason: it sucks

  • April 17, 2008, 12:14 a.m. CST

    Uhh, Jack Colby, I beg to differ

    by Amadeo Zeller

    Sword and the Sorcerer kicked ass. I found those Conan movies to be boring and pretentious...Also, the fact that they had James Earl Jones wearing a silly wig playing Thulsa Doom, who was the main villain in the King Kull novels was equally annoying. Sword and the Sorcerer in spirit and execution was more in tuned with the spirit of Robert E. Howard's pulp-like themes. The only thing Conan had going for it was a bigger budget and better production values - Other than that, it was a piece of shit.

  • April 17, 2008, 12:20 a.m. CST


    by Purgatori

    I heart this movie. So are they getting Joe Regablerto (I know I fucked that names spelling up) back? Cause its been a few years since he did Murphy Brown and Street Hawk. But OMG, I would love this. I just bought the paperback off of Ebay! not too long ago based off the movie. And yes, it was at the end of the credits.

  • April 17, 2008, 2:29 a.m. CST

    Well, fuck me

    by Lost Jarv

    up the arse with an epileptic porcupine. <P>I'm qutie simply staggered. THis is the best news for ages. <P>I sense this is going to become my pet project for a good while- plants, cretins, snobs, mouthbreathers, baton droppers beware! Slate this film and I'm gonna call for a full pencil jihad.

  • April 17, 2008, 3:05 a.m. CST

    Conan is not a good adaptation

    by CuervoJones

    But is a great movie. The best fantasy movie ever done.

  • April 17, 2008, 3:23 a.m. CST

    How can anyone not love...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...a movie with the line: <p> "Come now, let's be off. There's a battle in the offing! We've got kingdoms to save and women to love!" <p> Awesome, awesome cheese.

  • April 17, 2008, 4:07 a.m. CST

    Yes, It's just wonderful

    by Lost Jarv

    I'm now working my way through sword and sorcery epics at the moment. <P>So far I've had this, Beastmaster, Conan the Barbarian and Red Sonja (which is crap on every level), and I've got Conan the Destroyer, Krull and some others to come. <P>Just wonderful

  • April 17, 2008, 6:18 a.m. CST

    Damn it

    by Ckuouka

    Someone else beat me to saying this sounded like a movie on Sci-Fi with that cast.

  • April 17, 2008, 6:48 a.m. CST

    Yes, Jarv...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...Red Sonja is truly awful in all the wrong ways, except for maybe the magic robot fish which was kind of cool. <p> I truly hope Hawk the Slayer is on that list of yours. <p> "VOLTAAAN!!! You will DIE by this sword!"

  • April 17, 2008, 7:06 a.m. CST

    Course it is.....

    by Lost Jarv

    I love this stuff, <P>THey just don't make them like this anymore.

  • April 17, 2008, 7:21 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    You must see Deathstalker as well. Unbelievable cheese.

  • April 17, 2008, 7:23 a.m. CST

    I've never even heard of that.

    by Lost Jarv

    Must add to lovefilm list.....

  • April 17, 2008, 8:09 a.m. CST

    Jarv, you've never seen or heard of Dstalker?

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    Like Doc says, it is sooo velveeta-like.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:14 a.m. CST

    And to add to prior comments

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    Yes, Red Sonja sucked. Yes, the critics were wrong about Conan the Barbarian. We all agree (okay we all should agree) Conan the Destroyer sucked. The 80s were so full of great sword and fantasy flicks, some great, some okay, and some just plain sucked. The Sword and the Sorcerer was one of those special movies that brings back wonderful cheesy memories. A sword with three blades that shoots smaller blades, and an exiled prince going on a near suicide mission just to spend the night in the sack with one hottie. Didn't the Richard Moll thing use a force like move to remove someone's heart too?

  • April 17, 2008, 8:17 a.m. CST

    For shame, Jarv!

    by DocPazuzu

    It's probably the cheezo-sleaziest of the whole bunch of early-80s sword & sorcery schlockfests! It's got swordfights, a pig-faced monster, horrible dialogue, tits, an incomprehensible plot and - I shit you not - a homoerotic man on man wrestling match to the death shot in soft focus. <p> A must-see in other words.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:19 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    The glory of Deathstalker! <p>

  • April 17, 2008, 8:21 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    Indeed he did. Xusa Force-ripped the heart out of an acolyte in the opening scene of the movie. His fingernails glowed while he did it, too. Sweet.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:22 a.m. CST

    I have done some research into it now,

    by Lost Jarv

    and am ecstatic to report that not only can I buy it off Amazon for £3 but there are also 2 SEQUELS including the gloriously titled "Deathstalker and the Warriors from hell" !!!!!!!! <P>I have to see this.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:23 a.m. CST

    Confession Time: I saw Yor on the big screen

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    and thought it was the coolest thing in the world. I mean c'mon the guy kills a pteradactyl then uses it's corpse for a hang glider. What's not to love

  • April 17, 2008, 8:23 a.m. CST

    Well done, my son!

    by DocPazuzu

    Go forth and cheesify!

  • April 17, 2008, 8:24 a.m. CST

    Plus right around the same time Reb Brown

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    rocked in Uncommon Valor as the demolitions expert.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:24 a.m. CST

    shit I was wrong

    by Lost Jarv

    There's a DEATHSTALKER IV. <P>Must watch now....

  • April 17, 2008, 8:24 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    Ha! Your age is showing, which makes you about my age as well. <p> Reb Brown lives!

  • April 17, 2008, 8:27 a.m. CST

    Maybe I'm a senior citizen with no movie taste

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    ever think of that? Actually my mom took my brother, me, and my cousin to see it for my brother's birthday. It was his choice, and mom, what can I say she was a trooper to sit through that.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:27 a.m. CST

    Too bad Reb's Captain America sucked

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    even with Christopher Lee in it.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:27 a.m. CST

    Has anyone seen The Warrior and The Sorceress

    by Lost Jarv

    Lovefilm have added it to my list. It's got David Carridine in it, and I can practically smell the Roquefort.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:31 a.m. CST

    Reb Brown in Uncommon Valor; 1:48

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

  • April 17, 2008, 8:31 a.m. CST

    re Deathstalker & its sequels

    by DocPazuzu

    I've only seen the first sequel. It has loads of nudity (courtesy of the fantastic Monique Gabrielle) and cheap sets and crap swordfights, which is all good, except the film tries too hard to be tongue-in-cheek which kills it for me. Part of the charm of the original Deathstalker is that it is so fucking po-faced and serious in tone which makes it extra hilarious. <p> Don't know how 3 and 4 are, I'm afraid.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:32 a.m. CST

    Never heard of Warrior and Sorceress

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    I loved Wizards and Warriors when it was on tv for all of what 5 episodes?

  • April 17, 2008, 8:32 a.m. CST

    Warrior and the Sorceress

    by DocPazuzu

    Yep, seen it. I seem to recall a four-breasted woman in it, which is all the reason you need to see it.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:34 a.m. CST

    Ever hear of The Barbarians

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    Remember The Barbarian Brothers from DC Cab (an awesome movie in its own right) well they made a sword and fantasy movie playing what else, twin barbarians. I've never seen it, but it looks super cool cheesy.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:36 a.m. CST

    4 Breasted Woman!!!!

    by Lost Jarv

    That is required watching. I've only ever seen a 3 breasted woman on film before. <P>Hysterically, Lovefilm had Deathstalker but didn't have Beastmaster (I had to buy it), they really are a group of fucking idiots- and they still don't have Army of Darkness.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:37 a.m. CST

    If you want REALLY bad...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...Carradine fantasy-type tripe, see The Magic Flute. It supposedly is based on a story by Bruce Lee and is complete rubbish, filled to the brim with fortune cookie philosophy in the form of continuous non-sequitur dialogue and awful, awful martial arts fights. <p> Also starring Christopher Lee in a bad hat.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:37 a.m. CST

    Baby, you make me wish I had three hands!

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    "I think you're doing just fine with two." Total Recall

  • April 17, 2008, 8:38 a.m. CST

    Oh, and I've seen Pumpkinhead 4 now

    by Lost Jarv

    It's comfortably the best of the sequels. And it has Lance in it again. <P>It isn't a patch on the first one though. I always feel like calling Trade Descriptions when I watch that because the monster does not have a pumpkin head. I feel robbed.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:39 a.m. CST

    I've seen that one.

    by Lost Jarv

    That is so bad it is actually bad. Sort of like Red Sonja, where even Arnold blatantly playing Conan couldn't save it.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:40 a.m. CST

    Is anyone else fucking sick of Spam titlers

    by Lost Jarv

    I blame BSB. It isn't funny and because I'm on quota time I actually haven't got time to wade through the big threads to find some actual comment.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:41 a.m. CST

    The only good part of Red Sonja was where

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    she slices up that big dude who's never been beaten. Reyes Jr. amplified the suckage to that film, but he was great in The Rundown. He stopped growing, but man is he chiseled.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:46 a.m. CST

    yes, but the fucking Ninja Kid makes me want to gouge

    by Lost Jarv

    my own eyes out. <P>Man, I hope he died of a heroin overdose when he hit his teenage years.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:50 a.m. CST

    Jarv we crossed posts at you can see

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    I didn't even recognize him in The Rundown until I saw his name in the credits.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:51 a.m. CST

    Title spammers...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...suck the high hard one to no end. What's worse is the blatant title-spamming bait posted in the articles themselves, such as "oh, what could the new muppet movie be called?" or in the recent X Files article. <p> Gotta keep the hit count up, right AICN?

  • April 17, 2008, 8:54 a.m. CST

    But you gotta admit when Rocky Balboa and

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    Rambo came out it was fun spamming titles, some of which were quite witty. But, you can't do it for every single movie. But you definitely don't need it for the Muppet movie.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:55 a.m. CST

    so we did.

    by Lost Jarv

    3 of the top 5 TB's are all title spam. <P>And I don't give a fuck about GI Joe. <P>That makes this the most relevant TB here.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:57 a.m. CST

    Terminators of Endearment was funny

    by Lost Jarv

    but the vast majority of them are fucking horrible. <P>and anyone that puts "Electric Boogaloo" into one should be dragged out into the street painted with pig's blood and then fed to crocodiles. In the street, because getting to Croc country sounds like a hassle. <P>Fuckers.

  • April 17, 2008, 8:59 a.m. CST

    I love joe, but to each their own.

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    This talkback is relative because we're actually talking about movies. Some talkbacks I'll only post once or twice if that's all I've got to say that's interesting. I don't talk just to hear myself. I try to add something other than hot cyber air when I have something to say.

  • April 17, 2008, 9 a.m. CST

    Jarv, I just had to wipe down my computer

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    screen because I spit up after reading your Electric Boogaloo comment.

  • April 17, 2008, 9 a.m. CST


    by diverdan

    Anyone remember this movie? Hot identical twins Sorceress? I'm vaguely remembering something, think it was a TV movie or mini-series, about the hart(heart?) bowman. The bow was names Elb or something. Another early 80s fantasy epic. Any memories?

  • April 17, 2008, 9 a.m. CST

    I didn't know there was a comic book/ cartoon of GI Joe

    by Lost Jarv

    and I could not give less of a fuck about it. <P>Especially when I heard who was directing it- that film is going to be this year's Transformers. (and do you want to bet that appears on the posters somewhere)

  • April 17, 2008, 9:02 a.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    I feel I have to see this now. Although it may be another one for the Trade Descriptions people. <P>Hot twins may make up for the lack of sorceress though.

  • April 17, 2008, 9:03 a.m. CST

    Good thing I wasn't drinking milk because

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    as I meant to finish was that comment was too funny. Electric Boogaloo was funny the first time someone wrote it way back when. Title spamming was funny when we were all making fun of the overuse of rise in movies when Rise of the Silver Surfer came out. Title spamming is okay IF it is relevant.

  • April 17, 2008, 9:03 a.m. CST

    Forgot about Reb's minor role in SOTC.

    by Stalkeye

    In which he got his toungue cut out and then lunged into some bald torturer's sword. Yeah that Cap Movie sucked too wether it was the wammo frisbe/shield,goofy ass tights with a motorcycle helmet instead of the mask, and not to mention that laughable music:"bwhoo,bwhoo,badadoo.."<p> Too bad pyun did'nt give Brown a chance to reprise his role in the 1990 movie, instead some actor who's dad wrote Catcher in the Rye got the part and the rest is history..... so was that Movie.

  • April 17, 2008, 9:07 a.m. CST

    You could see through the shield

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    and it doubled as the windshield for his bike. We need adamantium (whatever it was, something close) not some flippy flyer you stupid writers.

  • April 17, 2008, 9:30 a.m. CST

    Nope, don't care about Cap either

    by Lost Jarv

    so avoided that one as well.

  • April 17, 2008, 9:40 a.m. CST

    Good Talkbacking here fellas.

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    After reading your posts, I can almost smell the cheese wafting over the fantasy/adventure nostalgia. This stuff cracks me up. I haven't thought about those films in a long, long time.<P>Jarv - nice pickup on the Jeff/TB/JJ4P in that other thread.

  • April 17, 2008, 9:40 a.m. CST


    by diverdan

    Yeah Lost Jarv, you should definitely check it out. Then burn it! Found a (way too) detailed description of the movie here:

  • April 17, 2008, 9:52 a.m. CST

    This is what TB should be for

    by Lost Jarv

    Wonderful stuff guys. And nary a title spam in sight.

  • April 17, 2008, 11:33 a.m. CST

    Four breated women?!!

    by Tinfang

    Wow, that means a movie that's four times better than most! Thanks for the heads up Doc P, I'm there.<p>Yeah, this is worth checking out to do a cheese comparison. Is 2008 cheese better than last century cheese?

  • April 17, 2008, 11:37 a.m. CST

    RE: skimn

    by Tinfang

    The Bakshi/Frazetta flick you're thinking of is called 'Fire And Ice.' It's far superior to Bakshi's awful 'Lord of the Rings.' Yuk!<p> Shit! I meant "Four BREASTED women?!!" What the hell is a breated woman anyway?

  • April 17, 2008, 12:06 p.m. CST

    Pyun Just confirmed a couple more cast members ...

    by twitchfilm

    Yancy Butler and Leah Cairns of Witchblade and Battlestar, respectively ...

  • April 17, 2008, 12:21 p.m. CST

    Force Heart Ripout

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

  • April 17, 2008, 5:28 p.m. CST

    Best talkback since Stallone !

    by pumaman

    Its pretty obvious to me now that 90 % of you lot are 30 somethings like me , who fucking loved a good cheesy Sword & Sorcery movie , so I've come up with a list of them that you have to see before you die : The Archer & The Sorceress - a man who looks like a cow.. Warriors Of The Lost Kingdom - muppet alert ! Deathstalker 1( Barbi Benton and her amazing puffy nips ! - oh forget the horrible sequels) Ator 'The Fighting Eagle' straight to video star Miles O' Keefe :-) Hawk The Slayer - a better Elf than Legolas , Jack Shepperds's dad plays Hawk and Jack Palance going mental. Krull - groovy weapon, a Cyclops and a scary spider The Beastmaster - Marc Singer and Tanya Roberts plus 2 cute ferrets Legend - batshit crazy Tom Cruise and a Unicorn Ladyhawke - Rutger Hauer , Matt Broderick and Pfieffer Dragonslayer - best Dragon ever More to come later...

  • April 17, 2008, 5:48 p.m. CST

    Grammaton Cleric Binks

    by khaos751

    I followed your YouTube link, and as I always seem to do, I followed another link. This lead me to "Heart Removal (The Night of the Seagulls)". Now watch the clip ( and when you see the breasts, look closely at the head of "girl"...that's right. There is no head on that dummy!!!

  • April 17, 2008, 6:01 p.m. CST


    by spud mcspud

    You called it! DRAGONSLAYER - Greatest dragon EVER (kudos to REIGN OF FIRE, very close second); Gotta love LEGEND - still get chills thinking of Mia Sara all in black in that movie!. The low-budget sword-and-sorcery genre is the BEST genre - and TALES sounds like THE musdt-watch movie this year. Jarv - I got your back, get stuck the hell into those classics! Will get back to you with some REALLY obscure movies - am heading into my 80s shit movie vault here...

  • April 17, 2008, 6:49 p.m. CST


    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    Yeah, I saw that one too.

  • April 18, 2008, 2:17 a.m. CST

    re: Deathstalker

    by Prossor

    having seen them 2 and 3 are the two best ones. 1 and 4 were better left unseen. 1 had some good points however. With 2 and 3 they got the combo of humor and not taking themselves too seriously, it was a good old time with those two. 1 was a more straight faced one which you'd think would be good but had no plot and was boring, 4 was a shambles (match of titans i believe). I always liked Troxartes the bald ruler of Southland (a medieval dixieland??). TROXARTES ONE NIGHT ONLY!

  • April 18, 2008, 3:58 a.m. CST

    I finally saw Beastmaster 2 the other day

    by Lost Jarv

    and it was fucking terrible. It shat on all the good will generated by the first one. <P>When I get off my arse and start Jarv Productions (as soon as I find some rich mug to pay for it) I'm going to commission a whole raft of sword and sorcery stupidity. IT will be great.

  • April 18, 2008, 3:58 a.m. CST

    Ator! Ha!

    by DocPazuzu

    Have that on DVD. <p> Don't miss the other Italian schlockers, like Fulci's Conquest as well as Ironmaster with George fucking Eastman. Amazingly entertaining garbage of the highest order. <p> Barbarian Queen with Lana Clarkson (Damn you to hell, Phil Spector!) is pretty cool too. Watch for the amazon extra on horseback who is chewing gum.

  • April 18, 2008, 4:03 a.m. CST

    Jarv Productions

    by DocPazuzu

    Let me know when job application forms become available. <p> And yes, Beastmaster 2 is atrocious - despite Wings Hauser.

  • April 18, 2008, 4:08 a.m. CST

    The two coolest...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...and most mind-bendingly awesome things you'll see this month: <p> <p>

  • April 18, 2008, 4:39 a.m. CST

    Awesome stuff, Doc

    by Lost Jarv

    and I've got off quota time. So can post here more often. I ove Ironmaster, Conquest and Barabrian Queen- just glorious schlock genius. <P>Jarv Productions came about when we were discussing Beastmaster last time and me and Kloipy started messing about with Beastmaster 4 (The cunningly titled "Ringpiece of the Worm" although I'm thinking of changing that to "Ringpiece of the wyrm") shot on a mobile phone in Regent's Park zoo to save on budget costs. <P>It would have been a fat slice of deep fried gold. GOLD I TELLS YA

  • April 18, 2008, 5:57 a.m. CST

    pumaman Hawk the Slayer: fucking classic!

    by Stalkeye

    I remember seeing this when I was a kid and the funniest part is when jack Palance's character kills two of his knights after bringing his son's body to him "My son is dead, and you two still live?!!?"<p>Never cared for the Beastmaster stuff but I did like Verhooven's Flesh and Blood and to some degree Dragonslayer.<p>Never had the chance to see Krull after all these years, but after playing Dark Sector on Xbox 360,(whose pragtagonist uses a weapon just like that boomerang in Krull) I just might check it out.

  • April 18, 2008, 6:41 a.m. CST

    I will not let this TB die

    by Lost Jarv

    such awesomeness demands that it is on the front page.

  • April 18, 2008, 6:58 a.m. CST

    Lost Jarv, I'm with you

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    The first Beastmaster was great. I think every one of these movies regardless of it's cheese level has at least one redeeming moment in it to remember. Beastmaster had many. The dad from Good Times getting medieval with his bo staff was great. So out of character for John Amos, but great. In part 2 or 3 I forget as I only saw a few minutes of each before turning the crap off, they replaced him with Tony Todd. A worthy successor, but the movie still sucked.

  • April 18, 2008, 7 a.m. CST

    The funny things is He-Man could have been

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    great. Masters of the Universe was the exact title, okay, it could have been though, but no such luck. It had Frank Langella, Meg Foster, and Dolph Lundgren when he was hot off Rocky IV. I never saw the whole thing, but my own thoughts are bring He-Man into our universe instead of keeping him in his own was the first mistake from which the movie did not recover.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:01 a.m. CST

    Tony Todd

    by Lost Jarv

    was he candyman?

  • April 18, 2008, 7:03 a.m. CST

    Beastmaster did that as well

    by Lost Jarv

    post-modernism does not work with Sword and Sorcery. <P>It just reduces the potentially awesome to Last Action Hero (arguably the worst film ever made) levels of suckitude.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:06 a.m. CST

    Hell yeah he was Candyman

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    and a ton of other unforgettable guest spots on TV too. He was on NYPD Blue, Homicide: Life on the Street, had a good X-Files appearance, was in the movie Platoon, and of course was Worf's brother in Star Trek. Actually over the years he played three different characters in Star Trek. And yeah, Beastmaster came to Earth too. I forget which one. I stopped watching after the first one like I said.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:08 a.m. CST

    Jarv, you and Doc P should come and

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    play in the zone. A bunch of us have re-built the DTV thread there, and talk about stuff like this all the time. I tried to get the guys to come back to the front page and raid this talkback, but most got so disgusted with the infantileness of many posts,and the whole title spamming thing.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:09 a.m. CST

    Candyman 1 is great

    by Lost Jarv

    2 blows hairy goat nob though. <P>He's in chuck at the moment as the head of the CIA. <P>I rate candyman- it scared the shit out of me when I was 13.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:11 a.m. CST

    The zone gives me a headache

    by Lost Jarv

    It's frankly poor. <P>To borrow DocP's analogy- The Zone is like Taco Bell in Demolition Man, whereas TB is the Mos Eisley Cantina. It depends what you want. <P>Regarding title spamming- I put the ownage to USS Dickless hard in the Indy TB so I think it should slow down. Every time I catch someone doing it I'm going to flay them. <P>Who fucking started it anyway.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:13 a.m. CST

    To be honest I've only been in one thread

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    in the zone, the rebuilt DTV one which was just like this talkback before we got the axe at 6700 posts. As far as the rest of the Zone I really couldn't care less.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:14 a.m. CST

    Lucio Fulci´s Conquest

    by CuervoJones

    Il cheeso.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:16 a.m. CST

    I can see Todd as a CIA type

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    I haven't watched Chuck. I watched the first episode and it didn't do anything for me.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:22 a.m. CST

    Anyone remembers The Archer: Fugitive from the Empire?

    by CuervoJones

    I saw that shit in a theater.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:26 a.m. CST

    re Dragonslayer

    by DocPazuzu

    I love it to death. Its dark and serious tone was the first thing I thought of when I saw FOTR for the first time. It was the first time since Dragonslayer that I felt anything approximating that in a fantasy flick. <p> And yes, I also love Reign of Fire. Crap, sure, but underrated all the same. In fact, I consider it an unofficial sequel to Dragonslayer in some ways. The locations are pretty much the same in both movies, the dragons similar and they're both Disney movies (by way of Touchstone). <p> The Hobbit's Smaug is going to have to be something extraordinary if it wants to be anything but Vermithrax Pejorative's little lizard bitch.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:27 a.m. CST

    I think theres some potential mileage in a live action

    by Lost Jarv

    Final Fantasy- but only if they base it on 12 and set it in Ivalice. <P>Seriously, stupid monsters, Sky Pirates, a whole village full of nekkid women based on playboy bunnies and an evil empire. It could be great. <P>Or at least entertainingly poo.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:30 a.m. CST

    Reign of Fire

    by Lost Jarv

    I'm sorry, but as a British Person that is an appalingly shite film. Pathetic little Enganders hiding in the north of England needing to be saved by the big tough Americans.<P>And the worst thing about it is that I went into it expecting to see London get levelled by Dragons (which would be cool) and did we get it? Did we fuck. <P>That's a bigger con than Pumpkinhead not having a Pumpkin for a head.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:31 a.m. CST

    sorry I forgot to explain why that is such a con

    by Lost Jarv

    On the UK posters the whole fucking film was sold with images of Dragons torching the Houses of Parliament. <P>FUCKING MISREP. BASTARDS. The equivalent is not getting to see the White House explode in ID4

  • April 18, 2008, 7:32 a.m. CST

    The concept of Reign of Fire was good, but

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    I wanted the plot to me much more fleshed out. After the male awakes, and the chaos begins we only get minor glimpses of what happened to the world. I wanted more of a background to it. Not a full-fledge origin movie for the whole 90 minutes, but at least a good ten or 15 minutes of it, then a banner saying something like England, 15 years later or whatever it was.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:34 a.m. CST

    What bugs me, is that somewhere there is footage of

    by Lost Jarv

    Dragons smashing London. There must be. <P>I object to how we are painted as complete pussies in that film. Do they not know that we love booze and fighting? It's hardwired into our DNA<P>I did like the concept though

  • April 18, 2008, 7:35 a.m. CST

    Yeah, we crossed posts again

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    You know what was also a con, the movie poster had helicopters in dogfights with the dragons. The whole movie the copters, actually only copter was running away from them the whole time. Also, they never did really explain how they got across the pond in one piece, or how they knew they needed to find the male in England.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:36 a.m. CST

    A DTV Reign of Fire sequel with the

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    missing 15 years would be cool. Now as far as hiding out in the hills instead of fighting, isn't that what the French are for? "Bonjour, ya cheese eatin' surrender monkeys."

  • April 18, 2008, 7:38 a.m. CST

    So we did, Great minds think alike etc

    by Lost Jarv

    It always seems to me that they had this great idea for a modern Dragon film and ran out of money so they couldn't put in all the cool things they'd promised. <P>I don't give a fuck about Christian Bale trying to grow vegetables in the North. Fuck that. I want to see some Mano-e-Dragon action, with some incineration and aerial dogfighting. I don't want to see preaching, whinging and fog. <P>Basically, if you're going to do a film like that then you'd better bring TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION. Especially when that's what the poster promises

  • April 18, 2008, 7:40 a.m. CST

    I shall add it to the production roster at

    by Lost Jarv

    up-and-coming new production company JARV PRODUCTIONS. <P>I really need a rich idiot to bankroll me. <P>Other forthcoming Jarv Producitons presentations shall be the Jack the Ripper prequel to Dark Angel, Beastmaster 4: Ringpiece of the Wyrm, 2lane Blood top, and I'm going to blatantly rob the DTV thread for the rest of them.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:43 a.m. CST

    Jarv, if you can bankrol it please steal

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    from the DTV thread all you want. I think you're right. Our reactions to Reign of Fire, both pros and cons are identical. We were lied to, and it rang hollow with the exception of a few shining moments. And what the hell was up with him and the chick at the end handing leadership over to a 15-year old kid. Get some balls and start re-building civilization.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:45 a.m. CST

    Hey I just noticed this is top five, and we

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    weren't even trying. We're just discussing movie merits. That's what the talkbacks should be about primarily.

  • April 18, 2008, 7:56 a.m. CST

    and we clobbered the title spammers

    by Lost Jarv

    With my Music Industry background at least we can put together kickass soundtracks for our cinematic masterpieces.

  • April 18, 2008, 8:04 a.m. CST

    Yeah, but the Tom Cruise talkback is

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    above this. Now why is AICN even putting something so useless on its site anyway. Tom Cruise hired someone to do a trilogy. No other information available. It's useless, and it's just giving people with nothing to say put in things like Tom Cruise 2: Electric Boogaloo. If they had more information it might be an interesting article and/or talkback.

  • April 18, 2008, 8:10 a.m. CST

    Tom Cruise TB= AICN keeping hits up on slow news day

    by Lost Jarv

    all they have to do is put it up and then they'll get every mouthbreather in this place posting crap like "Tom is gay and scientology STOOOPID". <P>I haven't even looked and I bet that is the case.

  • April 18, 2008, 8:11 a.m. CST

    Wow Jarv, what great mind reading ability

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    That was 90 percent of the posts verbatim.

  • April 18, 2008, 8:15 a.m. CST

    I gotta split now

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    maybe when I get back later today this will still be top ten.

  • April 18, 2008, 8:19 a.m. CST

    see you later

    by Lost Jarv

    got to go and do some work

  • April 18, 2008, 9:43 a.m. CST

    I think you nailed it...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...on the head when you mentioned that the Reign of Fire folks seemed to have had a lot of big ideas but ran out of money. I can also understand your British sentiments regarding Bale and his hippie commune. <p> However. <p> Americans didn't come off in a very positive light either. They're portrayed as basically being a bunch of tattooed, gun-toting, prejudiced, homicidal retards. <p> What can I say? It's a guilty pleasure for me. I understand its full crapness and would have liked to see it deliver on its promise of worldwide (or even nationwide) carnage, but dammit, I still like it.

  • April 18, 2008, 9:47 a.m. CST

    To be fair to Reign of Fire

    by Lost Jarv

    The Dragons did look very cool

  • April 18, 2008, 9:50 a.m. CST

    and on Homocidal American Retards

    by Lost Jarv

    Yes, they did look a bit dense- but the bit that really fucked me off was when after they bagged the Dragon and all the Brits are celebrating then the American basically tells them not to celebrate because 3 people died to one dragon. <P>So not only are we hippy cabbage growing pussies, but we're morons as well.

  • April 18, 2008, 9:54 a.m. CST

    and I like the bit where the American doofus

    by Lost Jarv

    Jumps with a big axe at the Dragon only to get chomped. That was funny- and he'd been asking for it for ages.

  • April 18, 2008, 10:01 a.m. CST

    Have you seen the ZOmbie Strippers thread Doc?

    by Lost Jarv

    That sounds Troma-tastic. I have to see it.

  • April 18, 2008, 10:28 a.m. CST

    Dropped off the front page

    by Lost Jarv

    I'm not having that, dagnamit

  • April 18, 2008, 10:29 a.m. CST

    I wonder how many posts I need

    by Lost Jarv

  • April 18, 2008, 10:29 a.m. CST

    This is much easier with Kloipy, Finky, Pillows and Abom

    by Lost Jarv

  • April 18, 2008, 10:30 a.m. CST

    Wasn't that hard after all

    by Lost Jarv


  • April 18, 2008, 11:22 a.m. CST

    RE Reign of Fire, Jarv

    by spud mcspud

    In fairness, that's the coolest that Matt McConaughey has ever been in a movie. Now he's Kate Hudson's bitch in romcom hell, only doing movies with locations that include a beach and a bar, and maybe some primo bongos.<P> I loved the hell out of that movie - seeing Alexander Siddig utter the immortal line "Try the scope you wanker!" - and always kind of knew that the whole bit promised us on the poster was never going to be there due to budgetary restrictions. But ironically, I think keeping it at the grass roots level - seeing it all through the eyes of Bale and Butler primarily - made it more real. If you'd had all the TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION we'd been promised then yes, it would've been fucking awesome - summer tentpole movie stuff - but it would've had the emotional depth of, say, ID4. It's the difference between GODZILLA and CLOVERFIELD - I enjoyed both movies (yes, GODZILLA too) but GODZILLA was primarily a thrill ride monster movie with little character development moments but lots of city-smashing, and CLOVERFIELD had little in the way of spectacle but a lot in the way of character moments, a brilliantly sustained feeling of dread and way more verisimilitude. In short, GODZILLA was more spectacular, but CLOVERFIELD was more real. This is why I loved REIGN OF FIRE - REIGN OF FIRE as we'd imagined from the poster would have been spectacular, but would it have had the emotional resonance and verisimilitude that the movie version had?<P> Now if they'd do a movie that encompassed spectacle AND realism - that would be Hollywood heaven right there...

  • April 18, 2008, 11:24 a.m. CST

    About McConaughey's "Pity the country that needs heroes" speech.

    by spud mcspud

    Gerard Butler should've kicked his fucking ass right there and then. Then kicked his ass into a well while bellowing: <P> "THIS -- IS -- NORTHUMBERLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!"<P> And then gone and fucked Izabella Scorupco, while Bale went off and grew fruit.

  • April 18, 2008, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Vermithrax Perjorative

    by spud mcspud

    That dragon will NEVER be equalled. Especially since it was killed by Fish from Ally McBeal / Janusz Poha from GHOSTBUSTERS 2. That's a lot for Smaug to live up to. Hey, even dragons can be insecrue, ya know.

  • April 18, 2008, 11:27 a.m. CST

    Spud, you can't use a word like verisimilitude

    by Lost Jarv

    When discussing fucking Dragons. That's silly. And I didn't find it particularly emotionally drawing. <P>i will concede that it isn't completely shit, and it certainly isn't asnywhere near as good as it should have been- my original point stands, it seems like they had all these ideas but couldn't afford them. Unfortunately they'd already commissioned all the promo material

  • April 18, 2008, 11:29 a.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    Genius:<P>"Gerard Butler should've kicked his fucking ass right there and then. Then kicked his ass into a well while bellowing: <P> "THIS -- IS -- NORTHUMBERLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND! !!!!"<P> And then gone and fucked Izabella Scorupco, while Bale went off and grew fruit."<P>Can you imagine Gerald butler doing that with shit bits of England: <P>THIS IS WAAAAAATFOOOOOOORRRRRRRD!!!!!!!! <P>or THIS IS LUUUUUUUTTTTTTOOOOOOON <P>Obviously he'd have to buy a hoodie though.

  • April 18, 2008, 11:30 a.m. CST

    As a CONAN fan...

    by spud mcspud

    I have to agree that SATS is the definitive CONAN film that wasn't. Had they allowed Arnie to give Conan more depth - in the novels he talks more, is more intelligent, and generally can channel his primal instincts into neogtioating the social mores and strictures of civilisation quite easily - the movie would have been absolute perfection, but it loses points for making him a bit of a meathead. Still one the greatest sword-and-sorcery epics ever. But SATS shows you the possibilities that lie in the low budget sword-and-sandals genre, and if they kick Sorbo the hell out of the movie (WHY the fuck do people LIKE this no-mark anti-acting gurning mug of a bloke, who ruined HERCULES AND KING KULL?!?!? WHYYYYYYY?!?!?), TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE could see quality sword-and-sorcery take its rightful place on the genre throne, bloody sword and hard-won crown in hand.

  • April 18, 2008, 11:31 a.m. CST

    THIS is why you need the Spud...

    by spud mcspud

    ...To single handedly save the sword-and-sorcery talkback from AICN oblivion. It lives, Jarv! It LIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!

  • April 18, 2008, 11:32 a.m. CST

    Re Gerard Butler

    by spud mcspud

    I have to keep sending all my female friends and relatives - the ones who slid out of the cinemas after 300 - to go watch REIGN OF FIRE again, and note the big Scottish bastard standing behind Bale for most of the movie. Gets me kudos every time :D

  • April 18, 2008, 11:34 a.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    Heh this is really, really funny.

  • April 18, 2008, 11:35 a.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    THIS IS SLOOOOUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH<P>I've never been to Slough. Apparently it's where paperclips go to die.

  • April 18, 2008, 11:37 a.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    Screams Gerald as he kicks Shia Labeouf in the ricer Don.

  • April 18, 2008, 11:58 a.m. CST


    by spud mcspud

    Screams Gerald as he takes on the mighty Southern might of Ray Winstone. Continents tremble in the clash of these titans.

  • April 18, 2008, noon CST


    by Lost Jarv

    Screams Gerald as he puts on his security guard costume before going for "The full Monty"

  • April 18, 2008, 12:02 p.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    Screams Gerald having just been mugged for his mobile phone.

  • April 18, 2008, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Tessier vs. Maynard II

    by Psyklop

    I will always remeber this movie as a blown opportunity for Robert Tessier to get revenge for losing to Earl Maynard in one of the all-time great fight scenes in The Deep. They gave Maynard the nod in this one

  • April 19, 2008, 9:25 a.m. CST

    Thank you Blue_Demon

    by Hikaru Ichijo

    You're right, and it's on You Tube. Ahhh, the good ol' days!

  • April 23, 2008, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Lee Horsley better be in it now as King Talon

    by Orionsangels