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Published on Tuesday, April 1, 2008 - 2:13am

JOHN FROM CINCINNATI!! JOHN ADAMS!! RESCUE ME!! SHIELD!! BATMAN!! Cheapest TREK Ever!! HercVault!!

"No Butchie instead!"

John From Cincinnati: The Complete Series hits shelves today. What did the talkbackers say beneath our first JfC post? The reaction to the first episode was not overwhelmingly positive!

“eppdude” said:

FUCK this show. and fuck David Milch - the cocksucker. Choosing to go with a surfing show over DEADWOOD? It's fucking unforgivable.

“Mel Garga” said:

… sometimes a turd is just a turd no matter whose overrated ass it came from. We're expected to have patience enough to wait for this show to find itself?

“fiester” said:

… I won't watch this crap. Fuck surfers, who gives a shit? I am all for letting creatives do their thing with minimal or no intrusion, but this seems like an bad idea from the get go.

“Add to Friends” said:

… Milch/John from Cinn = Sorkin/Studio 60. Every great is allowed one or two phuck ups in his career.

“jocutus” said:

After the first fifteen minutes I was already sick of hearing the name "Butchy". Can I possibly stand a whole series of that?

“bacci40” said:

ummm....what the fuck was that???? im serious...milch dumped deadwood to create....that???

“Dr Hemlock” said:

I gave up on it after 25 minutes. Cleaning the dinner dishes was more interesting.

“WONKABAR” said:

Uh, that was retarded.

“memento108” said:

What is it with Milch and the F word? I don't mind a FUCK here and there in my television or movies, but Christ, he uses the word more than excessively in this and Deadwood. Why is that? It's actually kinda annoying and distracting.

“Neo Zeed” said:

This show was shitty. The dysfuctional family stuff was pretty mundane and unoriginal. I don't really care to see how the mystical stuff pays off, since the main plot is soooo boring. …
Making a show in which a man floats and no one cares is not automatically deep. It's just lazy writing. It's just easier not deal with it and claim to be Twin Peaks-ish. If a man floated that would be the main topic of conversation for the rest of the century, not if some little kid should or should not surf! Who cares about a Family Channel plot like that anyway?

“SkidMarkedUndies” said:

WTF was that?

“grendel69” said:

Fuck John and the commitee that receives em.

“Hercules” said:

… based on the premise and pedigree and the promos, I sense this series could attract a rabid and vocal cult following by the time its first season concludes.

I offered that prediction before I saw episode one. Four episodes in, I was riveted by “John From Cincinnati.” Of all the shows arriving early last summer, it was easily the one I was most excited about.

I love Ramon Gaviota (Luis Guzman) and Meyer Dickstein (Willie Garson). I find hilarious their tireless, deadpan accommodations of the bizarre goings-on. I love the Yosts’ neighbor, the bird-hoarding retired cop Bill Jacks (Ed O’Neill), who thinks John Monad may be a sexual predator. I love Kai (real-life champion surfer Keala Kennelly), who demonstrates a hilarious talent for appraising nonsense. I love the doctor (Garret Dillahunt) who throws away his medical career when he witnesses a resurrection. And I love more than all of them John Monad (Austin Nichols), who owns a handsome pair of Automatic Teller Pants.

If you’ve not seen “Cincinnati,” it’s about residents of Imperial Beach, Calif., the one spot on the map where the United States, Mexico and the Pacific Ocean all converge.

One day, a guy named John Monad appears right on that convergence point. Monad may be an extraterrestrial. He acts just like a R-rated version of the title character from “Starman.” Everything he says is something another character has said since John beamed down to Imperial Beach. John Nomad, er, Monad still doesn’t seem to know how to use a toilet.

Monad can perform Starman-like miracles, Jenny Hayden. If you ask for $2,800, it magically appears in Monad’s pocket. (Same with anything else that can fit in Monad’s pants pocket. Need a high-limit credit card or a cell phone? You ask for it, Monad’s pants can provide.)

Monad can also make any metal in everybody’s body – metal skull plates, nipple rings, etc. – get really hot. To activate this superpower, Monad need only say, “See God.” Which is supercool.

Once Monad arrives in Imperial Beach, more Jesus-y miracles occur:

* A famous ex-pro surfer named Mitch Yost discovers he can sometimes levitate himself several inches above the ground.

* The famous surfer’s son discovers he can quit heroin without enduring withdrawal.

* The famous surfer’s grandson resurrects his neighbor’s parrot.

* When a horrifying surfing mishap turns the grandson into a brain-dead quadriplegic, the same parrot heals that grandson fully.

* When John himself is stabbed nearly to death by half-wit gangsters, a codger named Vietnam Joe – who makes his living helping illegal immigrants over the border – fully heals John.

* Toward the end Howard Hesseman, who starred in another show with "Cincinnati" in the title, turned up.

I love the show and, despite its dearth of dwarfs, I love it more than “Carnivale.”

Herc’s Popular Pricing Pantry

CHEAPEST TREK EVER!!!!
EVERY season of
The Original Series
The Next Generation
Deep Space Nine
Voyager and
Enterprise:

$35.49 PER SEASON!!!!

All of these were selling at north of $100 once upon a time and I expect most, if not all, of these 28 season-sets will return to $62.99 in the near future.

(Note that these new sets are actually priced lower than the second-hand sets!)