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Moriarty reviews MYSTERY MEN!

Hey there all ye yogi bears, Harry here with a tasty morsel of MYSTERY MEN to see what our food critic Moriarty thought of this dessert dish. If you remember we had a great behind the scenes journey on this film with Robogeek's Journey to the set Part One, Part Two and Part Three which entertained and informed many of you way back then. But now... Well, Moriarty takes a looksee at the 'unfinished product'. He offers up some suggestions on a couple of the films problems, and well.... I'll let the dear Professor take it away.... What did the rest of you think? Especially you? Well, now for the evil genius...

Hey, Head Geek...

"Moriarty" here.

The strangest thing has been happening to me lately. Every time I've ventured out from the Moriarty Labs for any sort of geek-related event, I've been recognized. Perhaps it's my distinctive handlebar moustache. Perhaps it's the pack of deformed henchmen I travel with. Perhaps it was me showing up on the local news the other day to rant and rave about some STAR WARS related issue. Whatever the case, people are starting to spot me, and it has me worried. I'm thinking of adopting a secret identity.

To research the problems inherent to having a secret identity, I decided to attend a screening tonight of Universal's late summer superhero comedy MYSTERY MEN. Although I'm not familiar with Bob Burden's original comic, I had read the Neil Cuthbert draft of the script and liked it quite a bit. When they announced the cast of the film, I was intrigued, and knew this would be worth keeping an eye on it. The kicker, though, was seeing all of Robogeek's photos from his set visit earlier this year. Once I saw that they were going to go all out and really parody the big budget superhero movies, I knew I was in.

And the good news is that almost all of this film pays off. In particular, whoever cast this film deserves a raise and a vacation. Ben Stiller is hilarious as Mr. Furious, while William H. Macy brings his customary dignity and realism to a role as potentially preposterous as The Shoveler. Rounding out the original trio that the film focuses on is Hank Azaria, who is perfect as the Blue Rajah (even though there's very little blue in his costume and no one seems to know what a Rajah is exactly), Master of Silverware.

The film opens like any good superhero film should... with thugs busting up a nursing home. When a movie starts with a gang that steals an old man's artificial teeth, eye, and arm, you know you're not watching anything that could remotely be called "conventional." As Artie Lang (from MAD TV) and his goons bust the joint up, they are interrupted by our intrepid trio, who proceed to get their asses handed to them in a deeply embarrassing manner. The only reason the thugs are stopped at all is the appearance of Champion City's one true superhero, Captain Amazing, played with a startling amount of charm by Greg Kinnear. Between this film and YOU'VE GOT MAIL, it seems like Kinnear has figured out how to finally cut loose as an actor and really inhabit the characters he plays. He steals almost every scene he's in this film, which isn't nearly enough.

There's a lot of characters for the film to introduce, and the script by Cuthbert and Brent Forrester (THE BEN STILLER SHOW, IRON GIANT) is excellent at bringing each of them in without losing the focus on the original three. Kel Mitchell is good as The Invisible Boy, Wes Studi is fine as The Sphinx, Tom Waits does some nice supporting work, and there's some juicy bad guy hamminess by Geoffrey Rush, Lena Olin, Eddie Izzard (used much better here than in last year's horrific THE AVENGERS) and Pras of the Wu Tang Clan.

Still, it was clear who the audience loved from the way they reacted when both Paul Reubens and Janeane Garafolo were introduced. Bravo to the producers of this film for choosing Reubens, a comic genius whose career has been on hold for far too long now. He makes The Spleen, a character that plays like a cheap knockoff of Howard Stern's Fartman, much funnier than he should be able to, and he manages to be both disgusting and sweet at the same time. As far as Janeane is concerned, I love her. I openly proclaim my love for the gifted Ms. Garafolo right now, right here. As David Cross pointed out, we are all in love with Janeane at one point, and I have a feeling a whole lot of people are going to take their turn when they get a load of her as The Bowler. She made the most out of every gag in the film, and there were several places where she brought the house down.

That's not to say the film was perfect, though. Far from it, in fact. For one thing, the film does something that I hate a lot. There's endless amounts of clever scripting in the film up to the actual ending, the showdown with Casanova Frankenstein, but none of that matters when they actually get to the ending. It turns into just another lousy Hollywood summer movie where people stand around and look confused while expensive special effects happen.

And, yes, for those of you who are bound to comment below, I do know what an unfinished effect is and how to judge it. I'm not responding to the fact that the effect isn't perfect. I'm responding to the fact that nothing interesting happens. There's lights and colors and twirling things, and none of it is even remotely interesting. Instead, the characters stand around untl it's done, then go home. They get a light show, so do we, and nothing important happens at all. This is such a cop out after what's come before that I felt shocked. This movie is so on-target, so funny for the majority of its running time, that to see it fall on its face at the end is a shock.

Universal... you don't have to stick hard and fast to your August 6 date. You can take some extra time and finish this film up right. Come up with an ending that's inspired and incorporate it into the film. Don't leave the mess that's there now intact.

Remember... it's obvious to everyone who saw the film tonight that it is first and foremost a comedy. Don't worry about giving us big action at the end. Instead, worry about giving us the big laughs we deserve after such a sustained tease.

Director Kinka Usher makes a mixed debut as a feature director, to say the least. There are moments where he seems confident and sure about every choice, and there are other points where his inexperience shows. I don't think his habit of Terry Gilliam-style exaggeration is the right way to shoot every single closeup of a person in the film, but that's a minor stylistic choice. Overall, he's got a lot of wit and energy, and he's obviously a fan of the genre.

In fact, if there's any one thing that this film does well, it's make specific rips on comics while also demonstrating a deep love of the form. This is satire that comes from being a fan. I can't give away any of the big comics-inspired jokes, but I can say that I loved them all. I laughed long and loud tonight, and was even moved in an odd way by Stiller's wrestling with his secret identity (as well as that of Captain Amazing). His perfunctory love story with Claire Forlani lets Stiller show that sensitive hangdog side that keeps landing him romantic comedy leads, but does nothing at all to make her interesting. I will ask, though... there seems to be a colossal mistake in the film. I ask this question directly to Universal as they consider reshoots and edits. How did Casanova Frankenstein find Monica, and why does he bring her back to his place to torture her? And why does he attack Lena Olin? Is any of that funny? It's just some random moment that does nothing but confuse and complicate the film's already muddled ending.

In the end, I guess I can't recommend that you see this before you see IRON GIANT on August 6, but I would say that you should make time to see it second. In fact, treat yourself. Enjoy the embarrassment of riches that weekend. Hell, if THE MUSE and THE NINTH GATE are any good, that could turn into one of the summer's best weekends. As it stands now, comedy fans can rest easy. Between this film, AUSTIN POWERS 2, and BIG DADDY, there is plenty to laugh about in theaters near you.

Right now I have to go work on my disguise for my next venture out. I'm thinking of being a billionaire playboy in my secret identity. After all, what's the point of having one if you don't enjoy it? You could... that's, um, my secret identity I'm talking about, you perverts. Jeez... I've gotta go. Until then...

"Moriarty" out.

Readers Talkback
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  • May 14, 1999, 1:56 a.m. CST


    by Evil Dead

    I can't wait for this movie. Although, I am still upset at the omission of The Flaming Carrot. Plus, to Moriarty a little clarification. Pras is from "The Fugees" NOT "Wu Tang Clan."

  • May 14, 1999, 2:02 a.m. CST

    I'm ready!

    by RMax

    I've been waiting for this movie for months and months. I think that the very premise of the thing make it some sort of "AUSTIN POWERS" for superheroes. Before Myers' satire a lot of people would never have thought of parodying a sub-genre like the mod-spy thriller. I am ready to see this movie. Is it true that a trailer will be attached to EPISODE 1?? That would be a treat as I already have my ticket!!

  • May 14, 1999, 2:24 a.m. CST

    Hey Mort, your street cred is gone

    by kpoarse

    your monumental snafu regarding the sony "passing" on TPM has ruined your credibility on this site. you're a bit like clinton, how can anyone believe you anymore? if your source inside was feeding you shit, you should have had the foresight to double-check with another source. if you were indeed passing on a rumor as fact just to get the masses to pressure sony, then you're an industry tool. either way, what good are you? harry seems to take your word as the truth without question, but now where do you stand? the line between fact and rumor is increasingly thin on this site, so why not grow a pair and admit you were being played like the shill you are. ebert had it right when he said (paraphrasing) that a good deal of "inside information" on this site is actually studio heads feeding bullshit and controlling spin. check out his 98 column about harry in yahoo internet life. what's your excuse? tool or moron? i'm guessing both.

  • May 14, 1999, 2:48 a.m. CST

    Street Cred?

    by Moriarty

    Hey, all... "Moriarty" here. Street cred? Oh, you're out there on the streets, eh? You've got your finger on the pulse of the people, right? How about this? How about there were some corporate machinations going on this weekend that we reported on as they developed? How about a corporation reversing a decision because of their sudden realization about what a publicity nightmare they were creating? Or do you believe you have some information that proves (A) we were wrong when we posted or (B) we were played? I think you should know what you're talking about and establish a long-term track record for reliability before you question someone else. "Moriarty" out.

  • May 14, 1999, 2:56 a.m. CST

    it's a term

    by kpoarse

    mort-- street cred is a term. i don't have my finger on the pulse. but i don't have my finger up the studio's arse either. direct quote from mort--"sony has decided not to book the film at all. no cineplex odeons. no loews theatres." that would seem to be a definite, as opposed to something developing. if it was a developing situation, why didn't you report it as such? you got caught. own up. i'm not an industry insider, so i will never have any chance to "prove a track record." do you actually think you can wiggle your way out of this one? you stuck that shit out there for the world to see, and it was arse. swallow your pride, stick your tail between your legs, and take it like a man. are we gonna see you next waggin your finger at a camera saying "I DID NOT SAY SONY WAS A PULLOUT!" a la slick willie. take your medicine mort.

  • May 14, 1999, 3:29 a.m. CST

    One More Time

    by Moriarty

    "Moriarty" here. Okay... you're being obtuse about this, but I'll take the time to explain it all in wittle bitty words that even you can process. You're wrong. When I wrote the article, it was a done deal. And then they changed their minds. It's that simple. At the time we printed it, it was fact. And when the story changed, we updated. That's called reporting. There's nothing to apologize for or defend or admit. I am proud of the work I do for AICN, and I stand behind my work during the developing story last weekend. Oh, no, wait a second... I just stood my ground. That doesn't seem to fit your picture of who I am. Gosh, how could that be? Oh, I know... because, as I said, you're wrong. But thanks for playing. "Moriarty" out.

  • May 14, 1999, 3:52 a.m. CST


    by FrankieN

    Yes, according to Comics2Film a trailer for MM is to be attached to Episode I. But, more important, a few snippets of the movie are already surfacing in different media programs. I caught a glimpse of about a minute or so in -Ithink- ET. It looks funny as hell and really slick. About Moriarty, I still think he's the best writer in the AICN bullpen and yes, the phrase "done deal" is merely an euphemism in the entertainment industry. MM looks very promising, I laugh at the mere sight of the costumed "heroes" they look like the Watchmen as seen by Jack Cole or Bill Elder, truly twisted... I hope we get more reviews from people in the screenings and postings about the trailer attached to EI.

  • May 14, 1999, 4:32 a.m. CST


    by Walter Burns

    I have to say, this sounds like a good one. Yes it would have been nice to have the Carrot (and Yarn Man - yay!) having cameos, but they probably made the right decision to not overload the movie with too many characters. Re: the whole Sony/Ep 1 thing - I see from daily Variety that the Loewes theatres in Manhatten will NOT be taking Ep 1 (and these are, if I remember correctly, pretty well the best theatres in Manhatten), so there obviously was some pretty furious negotiations going on between Sony and Fox/Lucasfilms. I'll be interested to see if there is a similar clash with the exhibitors over here in Blighty in July.

  • May 14, 1999, 4:33 a.m. CST

    A sneak was shown on E! news daily

    by Elan Vitale

    It looked hysterical and hilarious, and it is a letdown to learn about the ending. Here's also hoping the ending is changed in time for August. p.s. Episode One is an o.k. movie. Deal with it fanboys

  • May 14, 1999, 5:07 a.m. CST

    I hope this is as bazarre as it sounds

    by gsolo

    This could be funny. Hopefully the studio won't trim any of the good parts out.

  • May 14, 1999, 5:34 a.m. CST

    Get facts straight...

    by fanboyslimm

    "Pras of the Wu Tang Clan" your homework, yeesh. Vort-

  • May 14, 1999, 7:23 a.m. CST


    by Rocqueja

    ...I gotta say that without a doubt you have officially become more annoying than Lane or L'auteur ever were, you have nothing good to say ever about anyone or any movie, so why the hell do you keep coming to this site? Moriarty's track record has been substantial with some hits and misses but then Woodward and Bernstein made mistakes as well and that takes nothing away from their "street cred" (Christ, i love white people who try to use hip-hop slang!)

  • May 14, 1999, 7:54 a.m. CST

    AICN Reviews

    by Saint Jill

    The point is well taken that the readers of this site sometimes fail to understand that the majority of what they read is rumor and conjecture. The reviews they read are often either hubris or--as is often the case in Moriarty's reviews--an opportunity for a failed filmmaker to finally find an audience. I find it laughable that Moriarty always includes his notes and suggestions on the script, the film, the score, the editing, etc. with the message being that "if they would just listen to me, they could have a successful movie!" Well, the old refrain still works, my friends. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, write movie reviews for the newspaper. And those can't get jobs writing for the newspaper write for the internet. And for God's sakes, people, don't go or not go to a movie based on these reviews!!! Remember when that POS "The Faculty" was the greatest thing since sliced bread? "The Mighty" was the most touching movie this site has ever seen? (Has anyone seen this movie? It's an afterschool special at best). Remember when "Godzilla" was this awesome hard-on for Harry? I stood in line in the fucking rain because I had fallen prey to the hype. See the movies and judge for yourself. Your opinion is the only one that really matters.

  • May 14, 1999, 8:02 a.m. CST

    I thought the whole street cred thing was about....

    by spike lee

    Morarity saying that Pras was a member of the Wu Tang Clan. Pras is a member of the Fugees, he is the one that everyone has forgotten about. I guess the Fugees are not that big in London circa the 1800's.

  • May 14, 1999, 8:06 a.m. CST


    by Pocky

    Claire Forlani and Janeane Garafolo in the same movie? Hot side hot, cool side cool.

  • I'm looking forward to Mystery Men. It looks like a really great movie.<p> I would personally like to thank Moriarty for all his hard work for the site. It seems that everyone here (at least, in Talk Back) is a fair weather fan. When you have a big scoop, they love you, but when you do something they don't agree with, you're a total and utter shit. As if any of them know what it's like to be a journalist. Plus, I think they all give Harry and Moriarty too much crap for their reviews. Since when is what they write the word of God? Excuse me, but the last time I looked a film review was the opinion of one person--the critic. Just because Harry liked The Faculty doesn't mean he's a studio shill. He liked it because he liked it. I personally think that everything Adam Sandler is in is a bucket of pig swill, but there are certainly people who like it. I don't begruge them their likes and dislikes. I trust Harry, Moriarity, and Robogeek to give me their honest opinion, but I certianly won't base my own opinion on theirs. So, what I'm trying to say here is that everyone who thinks they are hacks needs stop reading this site. Otherwise, use Ain't It Cool News for what it is meant to be--a site for fans by fans--not a place for disgruntled internet junkies to take out their frustrations.

  • May 14, 1999, 9:19 a.m. CST

    Yo, dumbass

    by Cervaise

    Hey, Kpoarse, you prime-grade yo-yo: Today's Variety confirms that Loews Cineplex won't be showing "Phantom Menace" in New York. They'll have it at other locations nationwide, but as they were unable to come to terms with Lucas's requirements, they went ahead with the shutout in Manhattan. So the evil professor, unsurprisingly, was more right than you. Ha! Crawl back under your rock, you Grade-A USDA-choice-cut dingbat.

  • May 14, 1999, 10:01 a.m. CST


    by Rocqueja an educated film critic which is why he talks about editing, cinematography, directing etc., St. Jill, that's what makes him a good film critic (although I don't always agree with him, just like I didn't with Pauline Kael).

  • May 14, 1999, 10:18 a.m. CST

    Moriarty a "failure"?

    by Prankster

    The guy who said that you shouldn't take what you hear on this site as the word of God had the right idea, but he was unneccessarily insulting to Moriarty. Why did you call him a "failure"? We certainly don't know who he is for sure, but all indications seem to be that he does, in fact, work in the film industry...may, in fact, be fairly highly placed, since he seems to have easy access to the halls of WB animation, Disney, and ILM...and that he writes for this site IN HIS SPARE TIME and OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HIS HEART. None of the major players on this site are unemployed, and in fact they seem to take all this less seriously than you do. This is not a job, this is a hobby.

  • May 14, 1999, 10:51 a.m. CST

    Not a Failure

    by Binky

    You got me mixed up with someone else. I was the one who said that what is posted here shouldn't be taken as the word of god, but I never said that Moriarty was a failure in anything. I'm sure he is just as successful in life as he is at bringing us the information we all desire. Let's face it, like you said, you don't make the contacts that he has by being a failure. Just wanted to clarify. Keep up the good work Moriarty!

  • May 14, 1999, 11:27 a.m. CST

    Mystery Men sounds alot like The Tick

    by quentin2

    Damn, it sounds to me like this will be one of the funniest movies of the decade. Think about it. Have we really had a funny movie in the 90's? I mean, in the 80's and 70's there was Monty Python. THOSE MEN WERE FUCKING GENIUSES. I don't care what you say, the guys from Monty Python should have their pictures in fucking text books. Anyway, we really haven't had a funny movie this decade. Not one at which I actually laughed out loud at in the theater. Besides "Myster Science Theater 3000". I nearly pissed myself when I saw that. But, "Mystery Men" really really sounds like it's going to be the first geniunely funny, ridiculous, hilarious movie in a while. Hell, even the names are funny: "Captain Amazing"? "The Spleen"? How corny can you get? This looks like one hell of a movie. Can't wait. PS: I got my TPM tix, you got yours?

  • May 14, 1999, 11:48 a.m. CST

    LaneMyers' Funeral (Ode to a fallen Talk Backer)

    by quentin2

    OK. I know Father Geek gets MAJORLY PISSED about "cross-posting", but I feel Lane's final message should be heard by all Talk-Backers. This is copied from Lane's final post in yesterday's Star Wars Talk Back. He is revealing his true identity here. This also clears up some things: LANE NEVER SAW TPM, so anything he said about it is BS. Lane's girlfriend "Jenny" wasn't real. So when he posted as his ex-best friend, it was all a scam to make us believe he had a social life. Without further ado, here's Lane's Talk Back suicide note: "LaneMyers is a 24 year old, loser who has never accomplished or set out to do a damn thing in his entire life. He's a liar who had spent the last four months lying and cajoling total strangers and making up bullshit stories about a life he doesn't have to put on the Internet. LaneMyers is a sad individual who has never come close to anything even remotely resembling ANYTHING he bullshits about. He lives in Arlington, Texas with his mother and 2 little brothers. He collects Social Security checks because his weight is around 330 and he cannot work the only job he's qualified for, FAST FOOD! He spent the last year in Job Corps, doing nothing expect living off the Fed. I made it all up, because I'm nobody. I never saw a screening of "Cruel Intentions" or "Never Been Kissed" or "Episode One" I made it all up. I actually kind of like "Cruel Intentions" and "Never Been Kissed" sucks ass. I'm a lazy bastard, I'm 24 and I haven't been laid since December and that is what you could call a mercy fuck. I hardly ever go outside and I haven't made more than five grand in the last four years. That's LaneMyers. That's the blunt truth. I'm posting this to let you know what a fucking liar I am and to totally destroy my credibility so I'll have no more reason to post here. I'm at the end and I can't figure anything out anymore if I ever could. My life sucks, so i made one up and got Hotmail addresses to back that up. (Yes, PORTER was me!) I'm tired of being no one. But, lying about being someone is even more painful. Honesty really is the best policy, because at least then you'll be able to respect your own opinion. I can't even do that anymore. I'm sorry, kind of. But, Like I said I'm a little confused these days and nothing makes sense anymore. The end, doesn't mean I'll kill myself or anything dumb like that, but it means something. This is all I had and I'm tearing it up. I'm a liar, a fool and a loser. Big Fucking Surprise? I don't think so. You all knew it." (sniff, sniff) I don't know about you, but I'm a bit teary-eyed.... hehe ;-) Man, you know who Lane reminds me of? A certain fat Texas geek webmaster by the name of...You Guessed it! Frank Stallone!

  • May 14, 1999, noon CST

    hooray, a comedy!

    by JetAlone

    In between all that lame bullshit, quentin2 made a good point; there really hasn't been a truly funny comedy since the 80's, with a few small exceptions. Was there a comedy released in the 90's that was of the same caliber as Ghostbusters or Back to the Future? After reading the reviews, I'm really looking forward to Mystery Men. It looks a hell of a lot better than the "other funny superhero movie", The Specials (some friends of mine attended a screening, and they said it sucked). I hope they run the MM trailer with TPM when I see it on Wednesday! BTW, does anyone know what other trailers are going to run with TPM? Surely someone here must work at a Mann theatre or something.

  • May 14, 1999, 12:09 p.m. CST

    The Tick, The Watchmen, and The Ending

    by SegueZagnut

    Quentin2 is right in some ways about The Tick. I think that Captain Amazing comes off very much like The Tick in attitude and style. Of course that's were the comparison ends though. FrankieN said it sounded Watchmenish. I almost compared Mr. Furious to Rorschach. Ultimately that comparison runs too shallow seeing as how only at best Mr. Furious could be Rorschach

  • May 14, 1999, 12:32 p.m. CST

    critic reviews

    by tkip

    I've noticed something funny about some of the negative reviews.Why is that the critic didn't like the movie YET still gave the movie a PASSING grade???This doesn't make any sense.Check out the one in Entertainment Weeky.They basically wrote their great displeasure with the film and then they turned around and gave the movie a B-.If you don't like a film then stick with that assessment and don't confuse readers with grades like the ones I've been seeing.

  • May 14, 1999, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Need To Know.....

    by Mike D

    Can anyone tell me for sure if the MYSTERY MEN trailer is appearing in front of THE PHANTOM MENACE?

  • May 14, 1999, 2:09 p.m. CST

    quentin2? A question.

    by Jason Dean

    Is that really nessecary? Giving a requim to someone who has done nothing except lie about everything since he started posting here. I know most of you have floated your own whoppers over the web, but Jesus! Aside from that, I've read some of your other posts and you seem to have a facination with dedicating your time to bringing other people to your level? Why is that? Is it really a required function in your life? Please stop. This post was about "Mystery Men", stick to it. About "Mystery Men". Does anyone know when the trailer will come out and on what? I've seen some pics and heard some stuff, but aside from the comics, I know nothing about this film. But, the cast is the best one I've heard of since "Heat". Thank you for reading.

  • May 14, 1999, 3:03 p.m. CST


    by quiscustodiet

    How great is this movie going to be? If Janeane Garaofolo reads this, please marry me!

  • May 14, 1999, 3:18 p.m. CST

    Janeane's oooooooookaaaaayyyyy!!!

    by Thunderball

    I had the pleasure of interviewing Janeane during "The Truth about Cats and Dogs." The most memorable thing that happned was when she showed me her belly button!! Actually, she was showing me her Dr. Seuss inspired tattoo (a star on her tummy). Never forget that moment! And the lady is talented too!!!

  • May 14, 1999, 3:33 p.m. CST

    All you people trashing Moraity (and my spelling) go to hell

    by AjaxSerix

    Ya know as much as I think AICN has lost its edge lately, I must defend Moriaty on this sony thing. Check out They reported today about the actual deal Lucas had to cut to get them to carry the film and they are still limiting how much and for how long they are willing to carry it. This supports the reports on AICN. And besides everything here is rumor man; that is the spirit of this site, whispers you hear in a wall, they may be true they may not dont insult the man for passing along things some of us want to know. PS I cant wait for mystery men!!

  • Yeah, that's write. Sure, Moriarty can write editorials, but after this Sony bullshit, I have to agree: Moriarty has lost his street cred. He has no edge whatsoever. And don't give me any bullshit, Moriarty should have known better. I did not for one second believe that Sony would ever drop TPM! PS: Moriarty, your review of TPM was pure BULLSHIT. In my honest opinion, TPM is the best of the star wars movies. PERIOD.

  • May 14, 1999, 7:31 p.m. CST

    Remembering a fallen hero: LaneMyers

    by quentin2

    So, Harry. Ya got duped by Lane, just like the rest of us. All that bullshit about his girlfriend Jenny and his ex-best friend was just BS to make us believe he had a social life. My questions is: Why'd he leave? Why is he leaving Talk Back? I love the internet and I use it often, but I'm not a loser. Actually, I think the future looks promising for me. I don't collect social security checks... Lane, where ever you are, my old nemesis, the internet did not do this to you: YOU did this to you. Look at Harry: He's fat, geekish, and he's obsessed with the internet. Yet he sure as hell ain't a loser! Man... Why'd you have to post that bogus review of TPM? People actually believed you! Lane, Harry once called you a Talk Back Baron! Damn! Why'd you have to go, Lane! Why'd you have to leave me! Dammit, I loved you, you bastard! I loved you once! You had the Talk Back and you And you didn't even know it! You big hunk of man (330lbs), you! To quote Shmi Skywalker: "He was in my life for such a short time..." Lane, you don't know what we could have had. I could have loved you in a way no other man could ever have loved you. You had everything and you threw it all a way! I hope you're glad with whatever hussy you're with now. She'll never make as happy as I could have. Dammit! I wanted to bear your children, you big ox! I wanted to hold you in my arms! (sigh) :-( (sniff, sniff) Goodbye, Lane, my nemisis, my arch-rival, my best friend, my mother, my sister, my lover. RIP LaneMyers: He will not be missed. He was hated by all who knew him. May he live an ever-lasting never-ending nightmare, and find peace only in the sound of his relentless tears of self-pity streaming down his cheeks. Goodbye, and good riddance! asshole! :-*

  • May 14, 1999, 7:40 p.m. CST

    You're a nut!

    by Rand

    Quentin, you have no right talking about street cred considering all the crap you write. I don't see you writing thought provoking movie reviews. I just see you insulting everybody. And hardly a post goes by where you don't insert some Star Wars spoiler. I'm sure if you saw Mystery Men you would have spoiled the movie for all of us.

  • Actually, I did write movie reviews. I had a radio show with a girl in my college named Suzuko. It was called "Damion and Suzuko's Movie Review" and it aired every firday night. I'm an aspiring film-maker, and I've written two screenplays. I am currently in film-school. I think I have a LITTLE BIT more Street Cred than Moriarty, thank you very much.

  • May 14, 1999, 11:27 p.m. CST

    Looking Forward To Mystery Men being a Nice Surprise

    by GrouchLord

    ...and I agree with whovever said they should remain incompetents to the end, i. e. Clousea ending. Sadly, this hasn't been done in a while, maybe Kingpin came close...

  • May 15, 1999, 1:06 a.m. CST

    only thing worse than ignorance is denial

    by kpoarse

    mort-- the moment it's fact is the moment sony nuts up and announces it PUBLICLY. at that point they have weighed all the pros and cons, consulted their polls, read all the posts, gauged reaction, and made a FINAL DECISION. until that point, they're just throwing feelers out via their tools (that would be you) who unwittingly believe they are dealing with fact. you handled the mann theatre situation correctly: "mann theatres hasn't decide yet if they are going to book the phantom menace." the reason that was correct was because it proved to be true. sony made no OFFICIAL announcement regarding their decision. the reason? THEY HADN'T MADE ONE YET. for you to say that they made the decision and then reversed it is total shite. you may have been TOLD that they made a final decision, but that doesn't make it FACT. you were the flagpole, and sony ran that rumor of a flag straight up your arse. when it didn't fly, they made their FINAL decision. christ, you should know better than anyone how afraid most big corporations are of breaking ranks and running against the tide. of course it was at the expense of your credibility (i dare not say "street cred" again, lest i incur the wrath of the vocabulary police currently patrolling the site). it's painfully obvious you're not a journalist, and on this site no one expects you to be one. if you've got an inside scoop, tell us it's a scoop. tell us it's a possibility, tell us there's a good chance or a likelihood. whether you like it or not, when you try to break something as big as this, you've got to be absolutely clear with your terms or you leave yourself open to getting back-ended. next-- the fact that a few theatres in manhattan decided not to run tpm means very little in this whole scenario. it doesn't come close to mort's words: "NO CINEPLEX ODEONS. NO LOEWS THEATRES." look up the word 'no.' you might be surprised that it doesn't exceptions, as in 'none.' rocqueja-- even worse than you chiding me for using "hip-hop slang" is you assuming that i'm white. please email me a list of terms i may/may not use based on my ethnicity. okay 'homey!' or would that be 'amigo.' or should you or anyone else in the pc police care? cervaise-- more right than me? 99% of loews theatres are showing tpm, and that proves mort's a genius. have you been using a new breed of math the rest of us idiots aren't aware of yet? quality use of vocabulary too, your former boss at the new york times must miss your "unique" style. finally-- an overwhelming majority of mort's info on this site has been excellent. he seems to have good access and deep sources, and overall i think he's a great asset. that doesn't mean he's above admitting when he was wrong. part of your job as an insider is not only to receive all the tips and rumors, but to EVALUATE them and sort out the fact from the rumor. that's what will separate you from every other wannabe with his ear to the wall in hollywood. i'm sure your source THOUGHT he was right. i'm sure you BELIEVED you were right. that doesn't make you right. i would have a hell of a lot more respect for you if you came out and said one or the other: (a) my source was wrong, fed me rumor and passed it off as fact. or (b) i was wrong, i jumped the gun on something that wasn't in fact a done deal. --you made a mistake. it's bound to happen. your denial just makes you look indignant and naive. oh yeah, it's much easier to play when the FACTS are on my side. how do i know? i'll send you the ticket stub from the CINEPLEX ODEON i enjoy (or hate) TPM from. done.

  • May 16, 1999, 2:48 p.m. CST

    Paul Ruebens

    by bigguy22

    I definately agree, Mort. Casting Paul was a very good move. It's really good to see that people are ready to grow up. Madonna masturbates on stage in her concerts, Sharron Stone spreds her legs and shows us what she's got, and our own president recieves an extramarital BJ. And what has happened to these people? Nothing! They still have healthy carreers. Paul gets caught jacking off in a theater and all of a sudden he's evil! I'm happy we can finally get past that.

  • July 26, 2006, 3:36 p.m. CST

    Not seeing it is probably the same as seeing it.

    by Wolfpack

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 9:51 p.m. CST

    It is funny.

    by travis-dane