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Do we have the mommy and daddy for the LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT remake?
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. I have to say that Wes Craven's original THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT is a movie I respect a lot more than I actually like. It's brutal and at times really hard to watch (both intentionally and unintentionally). I respect that, but it's never been one of my favorites. I'm not sure I see a remake taking what worked in the original and doing it better in today's environment, though.
Just cast (presumably as the parents who lose their girl to a violent gang of raping murderers and then get the chance for ultimate revenge) are Tony Goldwyn (yeah, the dude that got dragged to hell by those creepy-ass demons in GHOST) and Monica Potter (best known as the pretty, but kinda vanilla blonde in films like SAW, PATCH ADAMS and ALONG CAME A SPIDER). Newcomer Dennis Iliadis directs, Craven producing, much like he did on the last remake THE HILLS HAVE EYES.
Thoughts?
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+ Expand All
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What the hell for?
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...and maybe the trend for pointlessly remaking classic movies will end.
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it should not be remade...
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Mar 05, 2008 2:15:33 AM CST
Isn't this .like the 2 billionth remake of this thing?
by skywalkerfamily
JEEZ HOLLYWOOD!
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So we had a writers strike for what? More remake drek? Wow money well spent.
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Where is he!
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Actually, even Cravens film was a remake. Bergmans The Virgin Spring.
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have been pretty well covered. Hollywood continues its plunge into irrelevance.
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He's a Greek music video director who did a movie called HARDCORE in 2004. I watched it after they hired him to direct this, and it's pretty decent. I wrote a review at http://www.geocities.com/outlawvern/
ReviewsH.html#hardcore -
That I'd actually pay to see. As it stands right now, not so much. Craven's original has a vibe that just can't be recreated today. When it's not veering into unwatchably embarassing (the scenes with the local cops) it's accidentally but masterfully traversing tones (Hess's music is seemingly inappropriate but aces) and defining the best of that "grindhouse" feel, for lack of a better term. It's charming and dirty and amateurish and perfect all at once and there's no way to knowingly recreate that kind of special quality. The plot is the last thing that makes the original work, and it's the only thing the remake seems to have going for it. And now the casting is going all TNT original movie on us. We know drama.
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I'd hoped and prayed this would never happen. Last House is untouchable. In my eyes it is a perfect movie, despite its many imperfections. That sounds weird but it's the best way I can describe how I feel about it. It is better than Craven ever ended up being, better than Cunningham, and better than everyone that will ever be involved with a remake. That's what happens when you have a movie that's one of a kind. You can't replicate it. If you do, you end up with Van Sant's PSYCHO. But then, most people don't hold Last House as highly as me, so perhaps it's just nostalgia. I don't think so, though. Fuck this remake. This isn't like Hills Have Eyes, that one was begging for an update. Though for the record, it was most certainly NOT begging for a sequel to said update. That film was ass.
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I'd just like to add that if there is any good to come from this unneeded remake, it is that (assuming it's faithful), we're gonna get to see Monica Potter giving head. Monica Potter makes me happy.
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This whole thing should not be done. And MONICA POTTER??
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...What will Dave The Demon Defalco have to say about this? I mean, someone ripping off his rip off? He'll be out for a badly staged lycra clad bout of bloody revenge. I really don't see the point in remaking such a thin premise. Not saying it cant be good...But I doubt it will work in the same vein nowdays without going the unrated, unreleasable in a theatre route. Which sort of defeats the purpose since Its already been done.
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I've been meaning to ask you this for a few years now, are you one person? Your "we thought this" posts are a little creepy. I just get this image of you both reading the article and both typing every other word in your posts.
I don't quite see this remake having the context that the original (remake) had. Post-Vietnam blues. The fact that it was a grainy, weirdly-edited (and scored) third cousin to such throwaway z-movies as The Big Dollhouse was what made the original work for me. I can't see it having the same power with digital photography and a techno/or string score. But I guess it's a broad enough template that it's possible Iliadis might make something out of it. -
It's funny because in my review of HARDCORE I actually mentioned that they should probaly do that in the remake. One thing Iliadis had in that movie that Craven didn't in LAST HOUSE is that he obviously identifies strongly with the female protagonists and doesn't treat them just as victims even though they are treated horribly by men throughout the movie. Since this remake is being made (and I agree, it shouldn't be) he should take that strength and apply it to the movie. If he goes by the original story the girls are thrown away after they're raped and tortured. By having one of them barely survive he could theoretically have her be a stronger character who takes part in the revenge. I don't see why not.
I also gotta disagree with one thing, I do think it's partly the plot (as simple as it is) that makes the original work. First because of the primal appeal a revenge story always has, and the symmetry of it: bad guys torture daughters. Parents torture bad guys. The end. Second because of the way Craven took the violence to unexpected extremes to show how the parents are being dehumanized by their revenge. It really is pretty much the same plot as THE VIRGIN SPRING which was taken from an old poem or something so its themes that go way back. (And that Craven revisited with mutants in HILLS HAVE EYES.) For me anyway I think that little bit of subtext is a big part of what makes it work.
But I agree with pretty much everything else HK and Sebastian said. -
How you nerds can venerate sadistic trash like LHOTL as some kind of artistic masterpieces. It was crap then. It is crap now. And if Craven really did have some kind of message to say in the original (and I seriously don't buy it) then the remake will be yet another exercise in how far can we push the censors in brutality. Until the Unrated DVD comes out, of course. Don't get me worng. Violence in film is often necessary to advance the plot. It shouldn't be the plot.
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Whatever.
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It's one thing to remake cult favorite (but still B grade) flicks like The Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes, and Hitcher but could you imagine say an Alien remake?
It would be a fast pace, jump cut heavy CGI extravaganza with a soundtrack with the latest from Fallout Boy, Maroon 5, and My Chemical Romance. With either Paul W.S. Anderson directing (consider Event Horizon his dry run) and/or Michael Bay producing.
I can just see the cast now: Sophia Bush as Ripley complete with girl power attitude and "witty" quips. Ryan Reynolds as Dallas, Rainn Wilson as Ash, Michael Cera as Kane, Shannon Shannyn Sossamon as Lambert, Ludacris as Parker, and Jason Mewes providing some stoner humor comic relief as Brett.
Can't you all imagine the horrible possibilities? -
...and make something original! Thanks!
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We are indeed two people, twin brothers in fact (we were in Shaun & Hot Fuzz). We have very similiar opinions on movies and even if we're not in direct conference with each other, one will be perfectly able to speak for us both - just think of us as being like Nestor in Battle Beyond The Stars! It's also good to hear that we're not the only ones who aren't exactly jazzed about this damned remake. We love Craven's original, but we have a few reservations about it - last year an article of ours on the subject was published in a British horror magazine. Our main bugbears about the original Last House involved some inappropriate music (you'll KNOW the song we're referring to!) and some of the Godawful comic relief that serves to dilute the tension and undermine some of grim tone of the film.
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Seriously, we get the point now. We don't need to see another one. The Virgin Spring is good and LHOTL is good for what it is, but it's still only just alright. It's not the type of movie I want to see more than a couple of times. And the stupid bullshit with the sherrif is so out of place and stupid.
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Damn, I miss Demon Dave and that talkback. It was hilarious in so many ways.
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His producer/lawyer of course! hehehe
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Thats what my life has been missing - a watered down, shitty remake of LHOTL.
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he's busy right now, opening the door to PURE chaos as I believe he stated
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One of the shittest films I've ever seen. Remake it as many times as you want, it will still be shit. People still believe they can polish a turd? It will never happen.
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but make it more like the Charlies Angels movie, you know make it more fun for the family!
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And after he went on and on how he would dismember people he promptly said: "Now this demon has to go to sleep."
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homicides and SUI-cides
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All I can say is, I work in South Africa on a lot of films that are either straight to DVD or have something to do about politics and I am stoked that I am finally going to work on a movie in my home town that is being headed by filmmakers whose movies I've really enjoyed.
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that 30 years down the road, someone tries to remake Chaos but calls it Calamity and pretends that they've never seen or heard of Chaos and then on the DVD bonus features some guy sodomizes a wrestler in a morgue
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Nobody I know is going to see this movie. Horror fans are dying for something original.
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Ingmar Bergman's "The Virgin Spring." Check it out.
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Now there was a classic....love the scene where the killer traps about 4 girls in a corner and beats'em all to a bloody stump with a morning star....
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I bow before thee, as your Warciple, I bring good tidings from Jarv, Pillow, Abom, and Finky. Please show mercy on us, we are not shitheels
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stab the mouths of the interlopers
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FYI - Brokebackcowboy is actually BringingSexyBack.I think a more important question is: Where the FUCK is Juggfuckler???!!!
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A 2for2true sighting!I've heard about you.
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this is a happy day. We should all take time to meditate on this
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Have you stabbed anyone in the mouth lately with a #2 pencil? If so, did you yell SHITHEEL at him?
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We have been practicing the ancient art of leadkata.
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Lead isn't strong...flesh is stronger!What is a pencil compared to the hand that wields it?
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I remember as a 15 year back in 1983 when I lived in the UK when Evil Dead, Driller Killer, I Spit on your Grave and this one were classed as video nasties and were banned. My buddy always seemed to be able to get them on VHS and I remember we watched them all in a row over a weekend one summer. Ahh.....VHS video nasty memories from the early 80's in the UK.
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I have those same fond memories you do, mattb68, and there are certain films (Shogun Assassin, The Burning, Zombie Flesh Eaters) that just wouldn't be the same without the blurry visuals and hissing audio of an Nth generation pirate VHS tape. How weird is that you can now wander into a Virgin Megastore and buy most of these films uncut on pristine DVD? It just doesn't seem right.On a related note, for mother's day I bought Marietta J Marmoset a DVD copy of I Spit On Your Grave, which also didn't seem right. You shouldn't, I don't think, buy an old exploitation film where a guy gets his cock cut off for your mother. She insisted that was what she wanted, though - it's one of her favourite films. That one and The Sound Of Music.
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I wish Jarv and Abom were here to witness the 2nd coming! I feel that 2true has smiled down upon you and I today
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2for2true bless us, each and every one!
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Mar 05, 2008 10:02:53 AM CST
I was hoping for some other siting in another thread
by just pillow talk
but he posts...and POOF!....he's gone!
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but one must never ask too much lest they get stabbed in the mouth and as a Warcipile there is no greater shame.
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One must presume he is dismayed that the word of the Church of Chang has not been spread enough yet.
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I almost started crying when I saw the picture of Burt's sermon on the mount. Just amazing
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he speaks in bullets
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The pic of Ash is great too.
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and how 2true is just blacked out
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stump beatings, the more you know!
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actual looked up 2for2true with their own eyes. It would be like in the original War of the Worlds...they would be incinerated and the outline of their body would be on the ground.
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2true is calling
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My stapler just told me to stab the Fedex guy in the mouth. So be it.
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The Virgin Spring.
Not Bergman's best, but far superior to Last House on the Left. I'm sorry, but I don't know how I feel about remakes of remakes. -
I'll just stay home and rent The Virgin Spring. Thanks though Wes.
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I'll just stay home and rent The Virgin Spring. Thanks though Wes.
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At least the version I read about two years ago; kept in all the really "vile" stuff while actually creating a real story and not just making it shock horror/torture porn. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the script was smart and very effective. And apparently it was written by the assistant to the guy who had the rights to the remake who was a huge fan of the original.
You hit the nail on the head, Quint - I deeply respect Craven and what he was going for here, but this is a BAD film in its execution. Craven nailed a concept and a mood (obvious in the way the movie affected some people) and I think that its contributions to horror are many, but to pretend the film "works" is serious idiocy. -
2for2true! here in our TB. Tell me mighty one, when will you wreak havoc on the misreable shitheels that have put me on quota time and restricted my ability to spread your holy word?
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that he briefly appears to illuminate his humble warciples before heading off to ponder the unfathomable.
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and it needs to be number 1 by tomorrow morning. I will use all my quota time to make it so. And remaking LHOTL is a fucking horrible idea. It opens the doorway to TRUE EVIL. Where's juggfuckler when you need him?
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I see you have seen the good news today my friend!
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do you mean, o holy one, a big iron ball with spikes on it? or do you mean to literally pluck a star out of the heavens and beat them with it. We lack your divinity, and so cannot reach up and pluck out a flaming orb from space. We can get our hands on a big lump of metal with spikes though.
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sadly I'm stuck late at work, but I have still got almost 20 mins of quota time that I will use to spread the word.
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that you speak of deserving of their beating? Were they shitheels?
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had me in tears last night. Sucks you gotta work late, I'm just glad you got to be part of this holy TB
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stump murder pleases him
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that I couldn't resist knowcking them together. I generally suck at photoshop, but that one was easy. I'm currently working on a salma-ash sistine chapel, but that is proving more difficult.
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here is all the info we need on 2true's other weapon of choice
http://tinyurl.com/3dkjdj -
a true 2true sighting. And nary a burning bush in sight,
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finally, but I may use the rest of my quota time
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I'm going to maximise the spreading of the word before I leave. That's far moer important.
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some passages with morningstar into the scriptures. I've honestly now wasted more time on them than I ever did on here.
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and we have that might DVD TB in our sights. That is truly some impressive work there. I feel that they need to make a Comic about 2true.
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and the last supper picture is a work of genuis. 2true crafted the morning star with pencils so he could mouth-stab many at one time
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and fight the Shitheels but still be able to mouth-stab an old lady for no reason
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Mar 05, 2008 2:01:33 PM CST
I think this talkback needs to be on the History Channel
by just pillow talk
It can be used to prove that yes, in fact, 2for2true does exist.
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ever uses FLAMING PENCILS OF DOOM to smite the shitheels of the world?
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which will contain the scriptures and the TB printouts, and some day some ancient alien race will dig them up and learn
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I blaspheme 2fortrue! I blaspheme him! He is unholy and an abomination!
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that will be engraved on my coffin. I will clone Warwick and he can be the pallbearers
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Watch what you say! 2true will return to mouth-stab you with a Morning Star!
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just to appease 2for2true so he shall not harm us. Terry, I like you, and I don't want to see you be labled as one of 2true's 'Shitheels'. I will have a meeting with the other Warciples to see what we can do to protect you
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I have stolen all of 2 for true's pencils! He has been castrated! [evil laugh]
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And 2 for true is a superstition!
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Do you really think he cannot simply will pencils into existence? Read my post above Terry, its the hand that wields the pencil that is strong. 2for2true is the true instrument of destruction and truth.
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Say hello to pencil jihad for me Terry.
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I will stab your god in thhe eyeball with his own pencil! And then you will see you are worshipping a false idol!
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I can't save you now
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but Ash and Burt, the warciples, Warwick Davis, Tony Jaa's flaming leg kicks, and Salma Hayek's breasts.
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Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no pencil! For Brando is with me!
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of the Church of Chang
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Selma hayek's breasts. Ay caramba!
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and he does not share power!
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you are out of luck, instead you shall recieve the Bate's taint grease for your troubles
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You will quake in your boots at the first sign of non violent protest! And 2 for true will fall!
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I have Penelope cruz's breasts on my side! And they're perkier anyway!
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looks like a 12 year old's elbow. Nothing compares the awe of Salma's Milk Bladders
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Enjoy!
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Especially all the keystone cops bullshit with the local police.
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Master Oats aka Wilford Brimley used her ambrosia in his oatmeal everyday, it was so sweet it gave him hyper diabetes
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From selma's breast milk
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and now I can sweeten my coffee just by looking at it
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Hmph!
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-nietzche
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The church of Chang has Ying-Yang-Yams
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You Nihilist!
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the triune
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In him there is nothing sacred. There is nothing holy. There is no hope for a resurrection. Flee from him!
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or Flaming Leg Kicks.
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And it was all too clear to me that I could beat the living shit out of him.
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or his slave name Michael 'i kill graboids' Gross
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he opened it and hopefully he will never return
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Seriously. I'm not being crude. He fucks his mother.
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So you are right, he created mother (earth), he can fuck it as well.
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in the mouth Terry. He wouldn't break your fingers though, because you will be his new messenger. Come to me my child...
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2for2true right after he posts, disputed over his deity status (you're so wrong Terry, infidel!), and he hasn't posted since then. The Church of Chang has spoken!
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Daughter's school closed AGAIN because of weather today (Hoth-like icestorm) and I had to stay home again. I don't like that, because now I'll have to make up that much more work tomorrow before I can regroup with the Warciples. There will be pencil stabbings...
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2True stabbed me in my mouth...with a pencil! I fell prostrate to my knees. And I seek his mercy. I will serve you 2True! I will serve you! Just don't stick any more pencils in me! Every orifice is now occupied!
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The deity 2for2true had business at the other end of the universe, so he couldn't respond to Kloipy and my proclamations of loyalty and service. The fact that there was in fact a 2for2true sighting...was special.Knew you would come along Brother Terry!
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I shouldn't post this late me thinks...The fact that there was in fact....sheesh. Fucking shitheels.
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but I eventually saw the light. Sometimes until you lose everything, you can't see how hopeless you are without 2for2true
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As I write, the gods are downloading for me the film scripture called "Candyman," so that I might continue my education.
It occurred to me that I left a printed copy of the Church of Chang scriptures on my desk at work. So if anyone needed to fetch a report during my absence today, there was a slight chance it would be seen. I decided if such were to transpire, so much the better for the spiritual wellbeing of whosoever might happen upon it. -
I do not know the way
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I saw this movie recently. Between this and The Hills Have Eyes, it creeps me out how often Craven used rape as a form of horror entertainment. LHOTL was an experience in evil. The rapes are evil, the murders are evil, the whole thing was rotten.
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I found I Spit On Your Grave to be almost comical in how bad it was. I also liked the decor. However, I found Last House On The Left revolting and offensive. I've watched alot of shitty rape revenge flicks, but for me this was the bottom of the barrell. The rape and murder went alot further than most of the other flicks, and you know what, I don't buy anything Craven has said about it. Its straight up softcore rape porn. I really couldn't find anything else going on in that film except exploitation. It was also abysmally made. The only redeeming feature was its advertising campaign. I've never been able to comprehend Eberts angry attack on I Spit On Your Grave and disgust at Chaos while admiring this film, which sinks even lower on every front. I actually walked out of Last House. I've seen some pretty hideous stuff in my time, from videos of russian soldiers enduring prolonged torture and mutilation to some of the grottiest, most ill informed porn out there, but there was something uneasy about the makers of Last House going out of there way to produce a film that gets its shits and giggles from hideous rape and murder. I really dont think this needs to be remade, not because it will damage the original, but because its a vapid, vulgar pile of shit.
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a 2for2true sighting (proving that you can see gof and not just in his works) and the Damascene conversion of brother Tery. Go forth and spread the word terry, but educate yourself fully in the holy scriptures. I suggest buying the Attack Pack from amazon for a paltry sum of dollars. It will be worth it.
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Mar 06, 2008 6:26:23 AM CST
2for2true is changing the world one talkbacker at a time
by just pillow talk
The pencil is mightier than the sword.
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Home again today, this time ill. Which means I'll be more at liberty to jump on and offline to celebrate 2trueness. Together, we can Chang the World one convert at a time. Or one pencil at a time if they resist.
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Abom, glad to see you today. Wish you could have been here yesterday for the apperance of 2true
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have some buttered toast and hot chocolate. It's a nice treat on a cold day. Burt would approve
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At least you have time to sharpen pencils today.
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He has seen the light and it burns
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in the verses of the Church of Chang scriptures can comfort me as I clutch the pages in the bathroom, where for the past two days I have been achieving nasty purification run-downs. I clutch them to my heart and my eyes gaze skyward, and I mutter "Test me, test me lord." I should eat more beef jerky and MREs.
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and water, drink lots of water
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Should I send Patricia Heaton over?
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he needs solace
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her right is called quantum.
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keeps giving me bullshit to do
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bosses try to make you do stuff. Pillow, yes, send Patricia over. I need some tough love and abuse.
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in all the right places
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Mar 06, 2008 8:11:24 AM CST
I think it's time you had a "talk" with your boss Kloipy
by just pillow talk
And by talk I mean stabbing him repeatedly with pencils, lopping off his hands with a chainsaw, and FLAMING LEG KICK his ass. You can call it a "team building" exercise.
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this week has been hell. and now it's time for the pencil rain and FLK's to the backs of skulls
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from Conan, face painting and all.
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the Moaning Hayek? Well, art historians recently unearthed this Michelangelo rough draft from the basement of the Sistine Chapel. I can only marvel at its wondrous portent.
http://tinyurl.com/ypuwm9 -
I woke up to that this morning and had to set my background to it
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Fuck HR.
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after your "team building" exercise with your boss, you can ask him "Who's laughing NOW?"
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and I'm all outta jerky
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Apparently she just turned 50 two days ago. She's been in Pantene commercials. I'd like to spend some time in her Pantenes, in the name of Bruce and all that is holy. Bless me gummer for I continue to sin...
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she will tie you up and might smack you around a little bit
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I'm happy to report that her funbags are 25.
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I'm up for some Team Demolition.The CHANGINE CHAPEL ceiling is proving to be difficult, obviously I need to make sure the weiners are covered, but it is getting images at the right angle that is tough.
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Yes, I caved too early, dramatically speaking. But never fear, you haven't seen the last of infidel Terry.
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INFIDEL!
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he sees you when you're sleeping, he KNOWS when your awake
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stabbing at our hearts and mouths
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The air we breathe...the ground we stand on..the water we drink.
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he is the frost on the ground, he is the dew on the grass, he is the wind in our hair
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2true keeps me full of vengeance and spite for nonbelievers
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that tree. Between us and the spaceship.
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there is only being called home to 2true
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he is the heavens and the earth
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did you suckle on the Heaton?
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The universe is the eraser on his gigantic....pencil.
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He brings good things to life.
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He cries 1 tear for each of his victims and they turn into stars. So he's killed a lot of people
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He's the true muthafucking king.
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they just have a picture of a pencil tip resting on someone's lips. Productivity has increased 135%
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they are the "enlightened"...
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that kid is in a wheel chair for a reason
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by getting wretchedly drunk and pissing all over the place. Life sprouts up from where his sacred piss hit.
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took a nappy-poo yesterday until it was time to get the kids and stuff. I don't like being sick. I like to think of myself as a robot, unfaltering and strong.
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Terry is now no more than a speck in a telescope.
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so that HIS word could be spread that much quicker. He can be very practical.
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because he can. Any fanboy that is bothered by that can get a mouthful of pencil.
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as solid, liquid, and vapor. 2true is the only state of matter.
Where's Jarv been? He is a dedicated gospel writer. -
The mammoths are extinct for a reason.
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The scriptures must be saved and passed on. THAT is Jarv's mission right now. Ours is to spread the word here at AICN.
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and letting patients know that they too can have the strength of 2true. Some of them die, in which case I say, "Fine--have it your way. 2true didn't want you anyhow."
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There is no evolution or creation--there is only a list of species 2true has allowed to survive.
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it is known to scientists as the "primordial ooze"
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Devotion to him creates this strength, it cannot easily be bestowed upon oneself without being a "true believer".
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resulted in the supercontinent Pangea breaking up into the seven known major landforms of today.
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Why hello Mr. ozone layer!
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There is only being in the presence of 2true, or not.
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backs on him. The mighty 2for2true threw his pencil at Atlantis and sunk it, teaching the infidels the error in their ways.
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2true was constipated. Was.
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Mar 07, 2008 8:24:08 AM CST
2for2true had the pyramids built to store his pencils
by just pillow talk
Some people can only learn true devotion through hard labor.
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so he could keep his food cold
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Why is a raven like a writing desk?
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1666 was not a good year for London.
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were both pencil-related tragedies.
Hangar 18 in Roswell is full of pencils -
2true did
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Who really started WWI by assassinating Archduke Ferdinand?
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that 2for2true has "saved" from themselves.
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but etched on the Golden Records of Voyager are stories of the legend of 2true, so that other beings will know of his glory should the probe ever reach other galaxies and be discovered. A golden pencil is enscribed in it.
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the scourge of Carpathia and sorrow of Muldavia, and for 1000 years he sat on the hill of skulls in a castle of pain, upon a throne of blood. But in the 1960s he bought a beanbag chair.
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and stabbed him in the heel. This is where it is thought that the word "SHITHEEL" was first brought to this world.
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a legend is born
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not Jim Henson. And the muppets are made out of pencil erasers, molded into muppets by 2for2true's left big toe.
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to stab his son Isaac? It wasn't really God testing Abraham. It was 2true just looking to see a kid get stabbed.
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The Romans were loyal subjects to 2for2true.
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2true really does
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multiplying the loaves and fishes? It was 2true who cooked all that shit.
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and while hindsight is 20/20, 2true can see in hindsight, present sight, future sight, infrared, thermovision, and matrix-vision.
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he just "senses" where everything is.
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that's because he glued someone's head on his shoulder after he decapitated them
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to weed out the weak. He allowed Jonas Salk to develop a vaccine only because Salk was a believer
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2for2true has not need for a stupid converter box.
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There is merely stuff 2true has not spilt blood on yet. There are no laws of thermodynamics. There is only the Will of True.
-
AnotherInfidelDestroyingSickness
-
by squeezing a cow over a bowl. He doesn't pastuerize it either
-
has a million USB ports and infinite bandwidth for those who believe
-
he never gets any on the seat
-
AIDS didn't come from gay monkeys in Africa. Why, that's ridiculous. AIDS comes from the wrath of True.
There is no gravity. There are only varying degrees by which 2true wants things to stick to the ground, or not. -
A little known fact is that 2for2true also created Monica, Salma, Patricia, Kate, Jessica, Rebecca, etc...His #1 pencil needed to be sharpened.
-
can make the blind see and the lame walk again. But his pencil can reverse all that.
-
that gives my life meaning anymore is waiting for the day my eyes shall behold the Fresco of True MILFs
-
as you wish my Master....2for2true always spreads the remains of the infidels onto his bagel.
-
When E.T. and Elliott got sick
-
by that I mean, when women see him they automaticaly have an orgasm
-
you should carry your bagel back to the office on a pencil
-
the fountain pen.
-
I do know that so much as one primitive screwhead is in front of me, that shitheel will have 3 pencils sticking out of their head.
-
puts on "You Spin Me Round" by Dead or Alive and starts dancing, any woman who sees it climaxes immediately and repeatedly.
-
how to plant corn or as they call it maize
-
Use 15th century english, like:
"I should not want to have to fell you with my pencil for the pleasure of a toasted bagel on this day!" -
just so the next time Pee Wee goes there he wont feel like an asshole
-
by chewing up beans, working up saliva, and getting really angry
-
that three shitheels have taken the lead express to enlightenment. On the negative side, I need to order more pencils at work.
-
with a hint of lead.
-
to the Red Cross, it's not his own blood. But yes, it's Leaded
-
if he wants fish or chicken, he always says steak. And they bring him one, rare of course
-
sits on his face.
-
get to handle his pencil.
-
Neil Armstrong was not the first man on the moon. 2true stabbed him and lept out onto the surface.
-
hot chicks may use 2true's shank as a floatation device.
-
I farted
-
I haven't seen that name in a while
-
Kloipy farted and Jarv's condom fell out
-
so in fact, Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. The moon was created when 2for2true had to pass a big kidney stone.
-
You still manage to follow us around you drippy little whore.
-
he has a reserved section of the plane on every flight
-
who get to be part of 2for2true's mile high club.
-
ur mom's a drippy little whore
-
there is only 2true's will that objects stay aloft and achieve forward motion, for his amusement or convenience.
I wonder if they sell pills you can take that help you stop being a DLW -
the time 2true went to see the Boston Philharmonic
-
I wasn't gonna stoop to going after glove's mom, but since he pulled out the 'mother card' first, I will now state that the last time glove's mom farted, a dozen homeless drug addicts got STDs on their nano-nanos
-
does your mom know you cut school again? Or should I tell her tonight when I give her plumbing the once-over?
-
well, shes just fat and smelly
-
from being donkey punched so many times from the mailman. Too many special deliveries...
-
by the pound, like your rancid drippy whore mother
-
by packaging and selling the stuff that came out of Glove's mom. Ever hear of Breakstones Cottage Cheese? Yes.
-
I love to get on and get you losers all upset. I'm controlling you all like little puppets and you are too stupid to just ignore me. I was feeling shitty all week, but thanks to my predictable pals on AICN, i feel loads better. Thanks!
-
you guys should be thanking me for making your day more interesting. Dont you get tired of talking about fucking Ewoks and tremors and whatever else grown nerds talk about?
-
I've been ill for the last two days, but after donkey punching on her for a bit, I'm a little more upbeat. It's better than owning a mongrel dog. I've got a puppet for her.
-
"inappropriate" things again to them? Sucks to be you.
-
and if we mention Ewoks at all, it's only because of Warwick. Everyone knows that Ewoks are otherwise good for nothing, except wiping one's butt when you're out of toiletpaper.
-
sorry you've been feeling bad. HIV can do that to you. Maybe you'll feel better if you mix a whole bunch of perscription pill and just "see what happens"!
-
no heart, no soul, no sense of humor, just loud and obnoxious
-
right on cue. Damn, im good!
-
he was upset cause no one came to his birthday party. also his butthole was loose from getting pounded by his pops
-
Mar 07, 2008 9:33:07 AM CST
by good you mean a pathetic excuse for a human being...
by just pillow talk
then yes Glovedone, once again you're right!
-
that you always need to search us out. Why is this? Are you that starved for attention?
-
that Jesus loves you. Even if he doesn't. Nor does 2true. And way to piss of homos and drug addicts with your insults. Not to mention drug-addicted homos. They're probably really pissed off. Like your dad, who takes it out on your caboose.
-
they would all be still-born
-
because they're done. Better yet, jab them with pencils.
-
he's into rednecks
-
assaulting him.
2true is going to make it snow in Cleveland again. -
we are getting rain, but they showed the snow going out to OH
-
glovedone will choke to death on some guy's load.
-
You either git busy livin' or git busy dyin'.
-
for whom I pray to have meteors fall upon.
-
GLOVEDONE! He is a pathetic little creature. Do not bow to him!
-
get my tauntaun ready. It's gonna be wampa weather on the way home tonight. I pray a tree limb falls on glovedone
-
he needs to study
-
Until then, he should review the first Tremors and Evil Dead 2. Maybe even Tremors 2 and AoD. And review wiki articles on Selma Hayek and the other Milfs. Hey wait, is Selma a mom? No matter. She's got a couple puppies, and that's good enough for me.
-
He is an infidel that needs pencil jihad declared on himself. INFIDEL!
-
festering in the sun to 2true!
-
we will say she is a mom
-
the pencipocalypse, while true believers bask in the light that is True and suckle the nectar of righteousness from Selma's full bosom.
-
"suckle the nectar of righteousness from Selma's full bosom." That should go in the scriptures.
-
and i'm a hummingbird
-
and 2for2true was behind the counter. I asked for the special, which was a cheeseburger. 2for2true walks outside and shoved his hand into the cow's side and out he pulled a cheeseburger, fully cooked for me. He said he appreciates what we are doing for the "cause". He also said not to bother with the viral infection known as Glovedone.
-
i'm ignoring him from now on
-
that's 2for2true ejaculating.
-
that's why it only comes around every 75 years
-
he wins the format war.
-
because his anger is unquenchable
-
because 2for2true declared pencil jihad on the bigger ones many years ago. Tick-tock, tick-tock...your time will come blue whale...
-
and showing them the mountains and rivers 2true created by dragging his dick through the earth. I don't know what all that nonsense about glaciers is for.
-
cause of all the pencil stabbings.
-
just for the Halibet!
-
tea bagging the earth.
-
Don't let 2true catch you throwing Tony Jaa's baby elephant through a window. Then all bets are off. He likes baby elephants, but doesn't necessarily hold ALL endangered animals dear. He eats toucan jerky, after all.
-
and he did, for 9 hours, and it was the best sex of his life
-
EraserSteal a Pencil for Me
-
has many veinous tributaries, giving forth water so that his faithful children might drink, and the unbelievers might drown. Grand Canyon? 2true.
-
Mar 07, 2008 12:06:27 PM CST
2for2true created baby elephants for his loyal servant
by just pillow talk
Tony Jaa. He uses the grown up elephants tusks for tooth picks after eating them.
-
so I could make love to me
-
'headbutting' the elephant in the scriptures. Even though he wasn't really headbutting it, but rather was getting ready to practice a FLK
-
your dream can come true Abom. 2for2true.
-
To make up for it, I will light a co-worker's leg on fire and command them to attempt the FLAMING LEG KICK on another co-worker. It's a win-win situation I think.
-
I have the song from the end of Beetlejuice stuck in my head
Jump in de line, rock your body in time. OK I believe you! -
they just told me my fucking tauntaun just fell over dead. They better get another one ready. They announced they're cutting us loose at 3pm or we'll freeze on the way home before reaching the first marker. I better stand on my desk and practice some FLKs of my own, since I can expect to encounter some wampas
-
I probably gotta get back to work sometime here. If I don't see you, have a good weekend!
-
that shit is sweet.
-
on my way home from work on Tuesday night, as taken by a local traffic camera. I can expect more of the same tonight.
http://tinyurl.com/2fptd3 -
I wish my work would do that shit. Hell it could be a blizzard outside and they would still make us stay.
-
Not quite ready to start working yet.Abom, that pic killed me.
-
I can only imagine what it is. Abom, did you ever hear anything back from Stampede?
-
Mar 07, 2008 12:17:40 PM CST
my office does the samething...cut us loose a bit early
by just pillow talk
My speeder is always having trouble during winter. The mechanic keeps telling me he's having trouble adapting it to the cold. Bastard.
-
and rarely cut us loose early, so this is unusual.
No word from Stampede. I didn't get an email failure notice, so I assume it got through. How dare they blow us off.
Pillow, see that guy being dragged in the picture? That's me, and the wampa just jacked my 'taun -
Mar 07, 2008 12:23:30 PM CST
Nodiggity is at it again in the Indy and Shia thread
by just pillow talk
I know, I kind of figured. I hope you packed your lightsaber.
-
Pull a Shawshank Redemption and constantly harass them. I'm sure that'll work. I'm sure.
-
and meet with them face to stache
-
after I escaped from the wampa, the police came and asked him why he was being such a dick. I ended up shipping the tauntaun home for venison.
http://tinyurl.com/3cr6sb -
Kloipy, more like meet them pencil to mouth.
-
Maybe I should write them an old fashioned letter and see if it gets a rise out of them.
-
at the Christmas party. I told her those looks weren't directed at us...http://tinyurl.com/357u55
-
is a PO Box in Santa Monica California. That doesn't sound very 'stampede-ish' to me.
-
what are they trying to hide?
-
I'd take her for a swing anytime. Do you suppose the sarlaac is a distant interplanetary relative of the graboid?
-
after 2for2true got to him: http://tinyurl.com/2rpbyl
-
they still can't hide from 2for2true.
-
http://tinyurl.com/25auw8
-
Mar 07, 2008 12:35:57 PM CST
the sarlaac is probably the "father" of all graboids
by just pillow talk
-
they're letting us go at 2pm. It's a good bet the empire knows we're here. Time to grease up another tauntaun and scan the south ridge for At-Ats.
-
sending you a message with his baby possum of death
-
http://tinyurl.com/3cwetz
-
almost made me spit out my Atomic Fireball
-
I went to yahoo images typed in scared of possum, only 2 pages came up but on the second page there was a picture of Reba sitting on a chair? What is the coincidence of that happening?
-
taking a shit, so I took a picture then shot him with a Reggie Bannister quadribarrel shotgun. Who's laughing NOW, wam-bitch?
-
that is the divine providence of Trueburt Ashgum at work in our world.
-
That pic is just classic Kloipy.
-
Reba keeps her dildos and vibrators in a possum-hide travel case.
-
I mean what else would place pictures of possums and reba together out of all the pictures it could have found
-
I was like "Yep, that's Glovedone"
-
For all we know, possums worship Reba like the Church of Chang does.
-
but I just sneezed, and the Atomic Fireball I had in my mouth just shot out and killed a passerby in the hallway. Cool!
-
tips on her website for women who want to shave their possum
-
I stuck a piece of Trix cereal up my nose(this was when they were just spheres not fruit shapes) and I squeezed my other nostril shut and rocketed that thing out of there and hit a kid on the forehead with it
-
Look at this--some geek made a wampa movie with his fuckin' action figures!
http://tinyurl.com/2s9t9a -
what a cool way to go. Did you tell him, "Silly rabbit, trix are for kids?"
-
to fight wampas in the godforsaken arctic wasteland. I'll try to check back tonight from home
-
watch out for probe droids...
-
sorry had to run for coffee
-
I work in an office with all adults, and yet some of them 'forget' to flush the toilet. Did they just somehow lose track of the fact that they just took a shit?
-
go fuck yourself
-
You seem upset for some unknown reason. What happened? Are you ok? Look I know it's hard to be an outsider with no friends and no one that loves you, but in time your action figures will start talking to you and that cum-stained poster of Zach Braff might come to life and you too can dance together all night long to the smooth sounds of Sade
-
Mar 07, 2008 1:21:21 PM CST
Glovedone doesn't deserve this...
by biff and the watchful midget master
Why don't you all pick on someone your own size and ability. I bet you won't mess with Biff.
-
these guys are so fucking lame. And they like to play hide the pickle
-
Enough said
-
you are just such a loser. And how many fucking user id's do you have. Biff/Braff/Glovedone
-
from Pillows asshole
-
but he seems to make a lot of sense. Go Biff!!!!
-
you two should make out
-
Mar 07, 2008 1:25:24 PM CST
Koipy Fucks the Abominable Snowcone
by biff and the watchful midget master
I don't know who either of you are, but I can bet that you both sniff lots of pickle.
-
You guys are so Pwned!
-
you sure you don't write for 2 and a 1/2 Men?
-
watch out for these homos. If they dont like what you say, they will get you banned.
-
I bet your ass looks like 200lbs of chewed bubble gum
-
that reminds me...the adult video store called and said you should return that movie....
-
unless you learned it from Braff. Did you know he has a crush on us?
-
it up the pooper.
-
Koipy, are you serious? That's the best you can do?
-
just look at the both of you engaged in some sort of weird mating dance with me. I'm not gay so I wont have sex with you, but you both should get together. You make a cute couple
-
when she get's into her car, the oil light comes on
-
Hey Sloppy, the only thig that gets crushed around here is your ego. I haven't seen this much fecal carnage since your all-male orgy with Pillow and Jarv.
-
well...she's just really fat. and slutty. and balding.
-
when I told her it was chilly, she ran outside with a spoon
-
you two crack me up!
-
no one likes you
-
A lot of people like me, I think you are confusing yourself. It's so weird how you follow me around and spout weird sexual stuff about me. I don't want to be part of your perverted fantasy
-
Mar 07, 2008 1:35:44 PM CST
The ewoks all had yeast infections...
by biff and the watchful midget master
how could they not with all that fur?
-
how old are you? you are such a loser. i think that you are at least in your mid 30's and you spend all day on here talking about movies. you are a loser. try going out and finding a woman. (not an old sock...a real woman)
-
is when you punch your boyfriend in the face after you bang him in the ass.
-
Holy Shit, Sloppy. Your face must be sore!
-
I'm married, I have job, I have sex with my wife(something you will never experience). yes i'm a geek who talks about movies, but it's better than being a lonely 12 year old who just makes lame comments about nothing all day long.
-
Does anyone else think this? Seriously, they spend so much time together and were al shiney.
-
I don't know which is worse if Biff is actually someone else who is in love with you, or if you just log in as 2 different people to try and make fun of me but fail
-
C3PO was a total bone-smuggler. Must be why Sloppy relates so much..Kloipy are you really married!
-
You have now reached a new low glovedone. Multiple user id's conversing with yourself? I guess your shitty life continues...
-
look at the little glow-worm try to be funny
-
It just boggles my mind that he would actually have 3 id's and start posting them all in the same thread 'trying' to gain up on you. Idiot.
-
Speaking of new lows...tell your mom that I refuse to pay her for that hand-job. She didn't even massage my prostate...
-
he is so bad at insults he just comes off looking like an douchebag
-
grown men spend time debating who was a better starship Enterprise captian, Picard of Kirk. ass
-
Mar 07, 2008 1:51:22 PM CST
Good one Kloipy. Let me see if I got this right
by biff and the watchful midget master
Braffed and Biff are the same people. Ha ha. Um, okay, so Kloipy and Pillow Talk must be the same people, too. Ha ha. Look at me, I am so important. I am super smart. I am so clever to figure that out. La-di-da. Look at me I am smart. La-di-da. I am the king, do this, do that...la-di-da.
-
You never talk about anything besides how you want to fuck us
-
with one hand on the keyboard and the other one on each others dick
-
And now I must also ass-fist Pillow talk's mom
-
That'll fool everyone! Is this what being sexually violated by daddy has done to you? Create multiple personalities?
-
say what yyou will about me...but leave Braff out of this!
-
it's amazing, you are just so fucking funny man. And clever, i forgot to mention clever. I'm serious you need to write scripts for Larry The Cable Guy, you 2 seem to have a lot in common
-
The only time I slip into multiple personalities is when I'm tagging your wife in the alley. She likes it when I switch between Obi Wan and Darth vader. She's such a dirty Wookie.....
-
these girls have something wrong with them from all the times that daddy would tip toe into their room late at night and play 'pony ride'
-
like Kloipy's wife's dark side
-
Mar 07, 2008 1:57:40 PM CST
I didn't know Kloipy's mom was a wookie?
by biff and the watchful midget master
Oh man, you just opened Pandora's box.
-
a lot about it. Oh and you couldn't handle my wife, she needs something bigger than a 2 inch fire plug like you have buddy-boy
-
His mom is Jabba the Slut
-
No wonder her pussy is so hairy.
-
I'm sure you will follow me, because you love me, but you two have fun giving each other rusty trombones and such
-
Even though there is a world out there drippy little whores, that you should venture out into and see if you can get a chick. I'm not even saying fuck her, but spend some time with the opposite sex. We have to take baby steps first before there's a slight chance that something good can happen between you and a woman.
-
on World of Warcraft or something, but doing it in real life just scares them. And what woman wants to suck face with a dude with pus filled pimples all over his fat fucking body
-
you got so owned.
-
the only movie worth discussing is ROADHOUSE!!!!
-
that's good, cause they do suck
-
as Dalton. Especially now since Swayze has a messed up pee-pee...
-
RIP Jeff Healy
-
Mar 07, 2008 2:16:49 PM CST
Kloipy could never understand Roadhouse...
by biff and the watchful midget master
To many plot levels for him.
-
like Pillow's mom suck weiners! Fucking awesome!
-
he would have punched Vader in the skull and took Leah back to his room in the barn, fucked her, then went to pull his shift at the Double Duece
-
he would have punched Vader in the skull and took Leah back to his room in the barn, fucked her, then went to pull his shift at the Double Duece
-
He is the last hope
-
Happy Birthday Sloppy!
-
unless you're Klopy's wife and you get an unexpected Strawberry Shortcake....
-
Cunt boy you registered two different names to fuck with these jack asses? Loser!!! FUCKING OWNED COCK GOBBELLER.
-
are you hitting on me?
-
Let me guess, you're a Star Wars fan, too, right? Okay, so here's one for you: Luke sniffs pickles. Holy shit I just blew up the Moon of Endor. Booyah!
-
in a pickle far, far in suit and ties ass
-
Fuck no cunt. unlike your queer ass I don't worship cock. You took your name from zack braff king homo plus your other name is Biff which is a carrot grabber name. I just owned both of your DOUCHY NAMES. OWNED FUCKER OWNED!!!!!!!
-
useless little queen that take the Zack Braff cum. Your a Tranny.
-
TRANNY! TRANNY! YOUR A TRANNY. owneeeeeeeeeeeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
you like cock. and just to let you know, son, when you TYPE IN ALL CAPS IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU INTIMIDATING
-
YOU SLACK JAWED FAGGOT IT'S NOT YOUR PIMP THAT OWNS YOU IT'S ME!!!!!!!!!! NOW GO AND TOSS SOME SALAD, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T COMPARE TO ME AND MY PWANGE AND OWNAGE OVER YOUR PENCIL NECK.HAHAHA I LAUGH AT YOUR
LAMENESS!!!!!!! -
Ignore, ignore, ignore. It's the only way to stop. And also--2true is dead! Buddha forever!
-
I will go to HELL!gulp....but maybe Terry can save me?
-
yeah I know in my heart that's the way to stop it, but i just can't sit by sometimes
-
If I remember correctly. He got it right in the balls too I think.
-
and meanwhile, that drippy whore schizoid douchebag Briff-Braff has pissed all over our TB. May the powers of gummer help me!
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