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Latauro Hunts & Slays 10,000 B.C.!!


For those with attention spans too short to absorb an entire review, here is my one liner: This film is fucking retarded, even by Roland Emmerich's standards.

That's my DVD pull quote. Use it.

Honestly, I may not have had high expectations going in (the name "Roland Emmerich" does little for me, and the poster left me a bit uninspired), but I was still prepared to be surprised by it. I was hoping to be surprised by it. I was surprised, but only by how unintelligibly awful it was.

The film begins with a voice over that will make Rob McKee roll over in his grave (yes, I know he's still alive, I just assume he sleeps in a grave). Though I can't remember it verbatim, I'm going to attempt my own version of the introductory narration:

It is said that legends live where truth dies... and if the passage of time teaches us anything about truth, it's that a legend cannot die. But there is one legend whose truth will become a thing of legend, and in time, will be whispered upon the seven winds of the earth, and will then be the world's truest legend.

Okay, an opening speech from some character we never see that talks to me as if I received late onset retardation is one thing, but it's shoehorned in whenever the filmmakers feel the audience may not quite get what is going on. It's also done so with the most try-hard prose you've ever heard. Again:

As the moons passed and the days slipped past, the trackers moved over yellow hills of unprocessed glass.

Don't you mean fucking sand? Just say it. Fucking sand. Okay, the "yellow hills of unprocessed glass" is my invention, but it's not far off the type of phrases employed.

The characters themselves speak English. This is fair enough. Thought it bugs me a little, I'm not going to fault a film for adjusting the language for its audience. They're all speaking in some random EuroMiddleEast accent (and Russian for one particularly random scene), so that's fine, do what you have to. But then the bad guys show up, and they're suddenly speaking some mysterious language that our main characters don't understand, but we do thanks to subtitles. Wait, so they speak some other language? So is the film saying our main characters are literally speaking English? What's the go here? And why do all the bad guys speak as though they're talking into a voice processor? Xerxes worked in 300 because that film was over-the-top and highly stylised. You just want these guys to look evil. It's not enough that you went through Mel Gibson's casting book to find the most hook-nosed, ugly Middle Easteners you could find, but they all have to sound like a Trent Reznor b-side?

Even if you're someone who can overlook all this, I pray you're not so brain damaged that you can't overlook the Microsoft AutoScript screenplay that does absolutely everything you expect it to. In retarded plot point after retarded plot point, we get our main character helping to free a sabretooth tiger for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER other than it will become important two scenes later; the father figure character making his best friend (and our main character's mentor) promise to not tell anyone that he's gone off to look for better land for his people, because for some reason it's important that everything think him a coward and deserter... explain that, Emmerich; there's the laziest, laziest, laziest fucking stupid use of the worst story device ever -- prophecies and "chosen ones" -- that's used at least three times by my count, without relation to each other; and there's the fact that apparently 12 000 years ago, we had magic. Yes, because it's "old", that means there's magic.

There are too many anachronisms to pick at (check the internet in the coming weeks, it's going to be quite funny to see them all pointed out), but I, for one, would like to know where Emmerich thinks the film is set. Okay, we have our colony of Caucasians who live high in the mountains, and when they walk for a little bit, they're suddenly in Africa and Surrounded By Black People. Then they keep traveling and find themselves in Egypt. At least, I assume it's Egypt. All of the bad guys are quite Arabic, and they're building a bunch of pyramids in the desert. So, given Egypt is in northern Africa, and our characters clearly traveled Africa, I'm guessing they were in... hang on... trying to compute this... okay, here we go: Narnia. Narnia, which used to be attached to Africa, and which, in 10 000 BC, was filled exclusively with white, well-built, chiseled-features characters.

There is an important message in this film, and I'd be being unfair to it if I didn't acknowledge it. It's quite pertinent to our time, and I think Emmerich was really commenting on our society with the film's central message: black people and white people can come together to kill Arabs. Seriously, I'm welling up with its inherent beauty.

The script feels a lot like it was run through the ringer featured so brilliantly in THE PLAYER. It feels like there was an amazing initial idea, perhaps a dialogue-free film about a hunter trying to take down a wooly mammoth, or going mano-a-felino with a sabretooth. I say it feels like that, but I don't give Emmerich that much credit. Though I'm sure some elements, like the Most Retarded Narration Ever, might have been added after a poor test screening, I think the majority of the dumbness was planned from the beginning.

If I didn't consider my time valuable, I would have really enjoyed how bad this film was. I mean, I'm usually pretty silent if I don't like a film, but I was quite happy to laugh loudly throughout this one. It was the only way I could enjoy it, so to hell with it.

Do not, do not, do not waste your time and money on this piece of extraordinary shit. Do anything else instead.

Peace out,

Latauro
AICNDownunder@hotmail.com



Readers Talkback
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  • March 4, 2008, 9:06 a.m. CST

    First!

    by MrInsidious

    I have dreamed of this moment

  • March 4, 2008, 9:07 a.m. CST

    wow. what a surprise--this movie sucked...

    by moondoggy2u

  • March 4, 2008, 9:07 a.m. CST

    First?

    by juggygales1000

    Could it Be?

  • March 4, 2008, 9:07 a.m. CST

    Latauro that was hilarious

    by Kloipy

    the opening narration thing made my eyes bleed

  • March 4, 2008, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Got you Juggy!!

    by MrInsidious

    I reign supreme!

  • March 4, 2008, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Got you Juggy!!

    by MrInsidious

    I reign supreme!

  • March 4, 2008, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Got you Juggy!!

    by MrInsidious

    I reign supreme!

  • March 4, 2008, 9:09 a.m. CST

    Damn! I was 3rd (and 4th)

    by juggygales1000

    Watch "Mammoth" on DVD instead. It may be stupid, but at least it doesn't pretend to not know that.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:10 a.m. CST

    Its not that special, Insidious

    by moondoggy2u

    I've done it lots of times. You can thank me for allowing you to post first, too. I scrolled down, saw that no one had posted yet, and in the face of AICN TB'er instinct, I just read the article and sipped my OJ, allowing someone like you, who has never pulled a first before, to actually fulfill his manifest destiny. <p>You're welcome.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:10 a.m. CST

    First...to say...

    by Raindog789

    Who gives a shit? Did anyone, anywhere, at any point in time, past, present or future, ever think this movie was going to be anything but a gurgling shit-bog?

  • March 4, 2008, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Lets be honest

    by satman83

    did ANYONE think this was going to be a good movie at all ? I mean i saw about 10 seconds of the trailer and one thing came to my mind..."shit fest"

  • March 4, 2008, 9:18 a.m. CST

    Should have added dinosaurs

    by Triceratops on Fire

    I mean if you're going to have anachronisms might as well go for broke. And while we're at it, they should add some people born from seeds. Let's really mess with evolution.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:21 a.m. CST

    Roland Emerich + MIllions of Dollars = Buring dog shit

    by eric haislar

    Just saying.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:23 a.m. CST

    The only thing that could have saved this...

    by groorgman

    Was if the Gieco Cavemen were in it...oh wait that was a horrible failure too. Maybe if 10,000 BC was a 2 minute insurance sales pitch it would be more sucessful?

  • March 4, 2008, 9:25 a.m. CST

    Wow, I am completely not surprised!

    by rbatty024

    I think everyone knew this was going to be a crapfest and Roland Emmerich didn't disappoint. I actually think a movie like this would have been pretty cool if it was done well. Too bad that doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:27 a.m. CST

    Really

    by ForkTongue

    I mean what did you expect it's written by Roland Emmerich, nuff said. <p> Egyptians and cavemen? <p> Emmerich came right out and said if you're going to see my movie looking for historical answers than you may want to avoid this. He just wanted to hack out a grand caveman adventure. <p> I'm nto surprised at all by the poor script. The same article I read said that it took 147 hours to render 1 second of the opening Wooly Mammoth scene. That's sick. Maybe he should've taken some more time to work on the script but oh well, that's Emmerich for you.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:29 a.m. CST

    No word on the killer ostriches??

    by skimn

    Or goony-birds, or whatever they are? Sounds like someone saw the DVD of 300 one time too many, with the over the top narration...this movie has test market mash up all over it..a bit of Apocalypto, a dash of 300, wild prehistoric animals like on, ya know, the Discovery Channel...Emmerich has made some enjoyable junk in the past (c'mon President Pullman's rallying speech scores a couple of points), but this sounds dumb even by his standards.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:32 a.m. CST

    The girls...

    by Roderich

    do they shave their armpits and legs in this "movie"? I bet they do![p]P.S.:I'm from germany, Roland Emmerich is from germany, but this guy with his lousy movies is hated here as much as in the rest of the world. So much for patriotism...

  • March 4, 2008, 9:33 a.m. CST

    Good retarded, or bad retarded?

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    I reckon we need a review from a true connoisseur of Dumbhouse to really do this one justice. Emmerich is one of the elite Dumbhouse directors, and I was hoping this new film of his would be kind of like Apocalypto, but genetically bonded with the hilarious stupidity of Timeline and, of course, The Day After Tomorrow (a film about running away from weather).<p>Will I like this one if I like the dumb?

  • March 4, 2008, 9:33 a.m. CST

    I wanted this to be good.

    by rev_skarekroe

    A caveman movie featuring the currently popular lost civilization pseudo-archaeological theories? Sign me up! Too bad it (apparently) blows.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:34 a.m. CST

    so then it sounds like a keeper!

    by just pillow talk

    I'll eventually check this garbage out on DVD. I'm so happy it's so awful!

  • March 4, 2008, 9:35 a.m. CST

    I ight go to see it now!

    by kikuchiyoboy

    "It is said that legends live where truth dies... and if the passage of time teaches us anything about truth, it's that a legend cannot die. But there is one legend whose truth will become a thing of legend, and in time, will be whispered upon the seven winds of the earth, and will then be the world's truest legend." <br> <br> Just to hear that spoken in a crowded theater with true surround sound... then take my popcorn and leave. Hee hee. That sounds too good to miss.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:37 a.m. CST

    Its like Apocalypto...

    by ccchhhrrriiisssm

    ...except it isn't as visually stunning, intelligent or meaningful. Plus, the story sucks.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:38 a.m. CST

    Its like Apocalypto...

    by ccchhhrrriiisssm

    ...except it isn't as visually stunning, intelligent or meaningful. Plus, the story sucks.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:44 a.m. CST

    Pulp!

    by CuervoJones

    I like pulp stories, specially prehistoric pulp stories. I´m there.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Plant!!

    by Varakor

    oh wait, it's a negative review. Nevermind, nevermind. move along folks, nothin to see here.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Such a PLANT!

    by Embeedeuce

  • March 4, 2008, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Apocalypto was pretty bad as well.

    by rbatty024

    Except for the chase scene in the middle. That fucking kicked ass, but the rest of the movie, from the jackass practical jokes of the beginning to the sped up baby delivery at the end, the movie pretty much blew. That being said, it will look like The Godfather next to 10,000 B.C.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:52 a.m. CST

    Roland Emmerich is a TERRIBLE filmmaker

    by kwisatzhaderach

  • March 4, 2008, 9:52 a.m. CST

    this movie is the prequel to Encino Man

    by Kloipy

    Maaaaammmmoooothhhhhh Budddddddyy

  • March 4, 2008, 9:52 a.m. CST

    10000 B.C. is like Barack Hussein Obama...

    by ccchhhrrriiisssm

    ...grossly inexperienced and terribly overrated! And like Obama, it throws in a bit of leftist ideology too!

  • March 4, 2008, 9:54 a.m. CST

    And they'll keep making movies like this

    by GodMars

    Because most of the world is as retarded as this movie is, and people will be lining up to see it.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:55 a.m. CST

    10000 B.C. is like Barack Hussein Obama...

    by ccchhhrrriiisssm

    All talk and no substance.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:57 a.m. CST

    by GunRunner

    Ccchhhrrriiisssm is correct. That opening narration sounds like Barack Obama campaign commercial, except more intelligent. It is said that legends live where truth dies... and if the passage of time teaches us anything about truth, it's that a legend cannot die. But there is one legend whose truth will become a thing of legend, and in time, will be whispered upon the seven winds of the earth, and will then be the world's truest legend. Vote Obama.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:58 a.m. CST

    Obama - Let's take America back, to 10,000 B.C.

    by GunRunner

    Ccchhhrrriiisssm is correct. That opening narration sounds like Barack Obama campaign commercial, except more intelligent. It is said that legends live where truth dies... and if the passage of time teaches us anything about truth, it's that a legend cannot die. But there is one legend whose truth will become a thing of legend, and in time, will be whispered upon the seven winds of the earth, and will then be the world's truest legend. Vote Obama.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Roland Emmerich is a TERRIBLE scriptwriter

    by CuervoJones

    But he is an OK director. At least you know what´s happening in his action sequences

  • March 4, 2008, 10:08 a.m. CST

    plant

    by smackfu

  • March 4, 2008, 10:13 a.m. CST

    Sounds like he should direct Transformers 2

    by GibsonUSA

  • March 4, 2008, 10:16 a.m. CST

    Yeah the concept was so cool.

    by GibsonUSA

    10,000 BC....man hunting, developing society, taking down mammoths....it could have been so cool.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:17 a.m. CST

    CG =NOT SCARY

    by GibsonUSA

    Stupid X-Box looking sabertooth tiger in the trailer......CG=NOT SCARY.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:18 a.m. CST

    but they all have to sound like a Trent Reznor b-side?

    by Deus Vult

    is one of the funniest things I've ever ready in an aicn review, outside of whatever neil cumpston writes of course.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:20 a.m. CST

    HEY CAPTAIN JUSTICE---------

    by Deus Vult

    so you've seen "in bruges" eh? gimme the unbiased review please, if you have time: infitior@gmail.com<p>or if you prefer post here. I want to see it but need to know if its really as funny as it looks, and what especially made you call it the best movie of the year...so far.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:22 a.m. CST

    "yellow hills of unprocessed glass."

    by DocPazuzu

    Isn't that a book by Frank Herbert?

  • March 4, 2008, 10:24 a.m. CST

    Captain Justice

    by ForkTongue

    yeah post it here. Seems like the only choice in this weak movie field right now.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:33 a.m. CST

    PLANT!

    by cerebulon

    Just sayin'.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:39 a.m. CST

    ID4 2 & Stargate

    by Kampbell-Kid

    I think people only care if Roland Emmerich makes another ID4 or Stargate. Everything else I've seen from him has been meh, although The Patriot was decent.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:45 a.m. CST

    Plant!!! Plant!!! Plant!!!

    by Bill Brasky

    Obvioiusly a plant from arclight films trying to help "The Bank Job."

  • March 4, 2008, 10:46 a.m. CST

    Sounds like it will be good

    by Sithdan

    Some movies are destined for failure. Without giving so much as a chance, such films receive overwhelming condemnation from the critics long before the inaugural screening. But reading between the lines of this guy’s review, it looks to me like an entertaining flick. I’m picturing 300 set in Mesopotamia. I tend to enjoy movies that are panned by the general audience like Independence Day, X-Men 3, the SW prequels, Pirates 2 and 3 and Matrix 3. So one critic’s waste of time is an enjoyable cinematic experience for me.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:46 a.m. CST

    late onset retardation

    by greyspecter

    I'm stealing that one

  • March 4, 2008, 10:50 a.m. CST

    also

    by greyspecter

    great review. Hire this man!<p> Seriously, has Emmerich made a decent movie since Stargate? Anyone? Anyone? Fry?

  • March 4, 2008, 10:51 a.m. CST

    by redkamel

    man I thought it was going to be bad, but not this bad

  • March 4, 2008, 10:53 a.m. CST

    Cavemen TV show writers are even laughing their asses off.

    by dirtsandwich

    Roland sucks horse cock. Everything he touches turns to turd. Having the English language in this is LAME! Please don't remake A Fantastic Voyage and fuck that up too.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:53 a.m. CST

    ANTI-PLANT!

    by Mistahtibbs

  • March 4, 2008, 10:55 a.m. CST

    Greyspecter

    by Sithdan

    Yep, they're called Independence Day, The Patriot and The Day After Tomorrow.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:56 a.m. CST

    damn...

    by Mistahtibbs

    <p>This reviewer is an ANTI-PLANT!</p> <p>Were he to come into immediate proximity of a plant the consequences for our space-time continuum would be catastrophic!</p> <p>Besides, I thought the earth was only 6000 years old.</p> <p>MT</p>

  • March 4, 2008, 10:59 a.m. CST

    A bad Roland Emmerich movie? You're kidding!

    by Trazadone

    All of his films are dreadful, why would anyone expect any different?

  • March 4, 2008, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Good point Mistahtibbs...

    by rbatty024

    I think I'm going to get my local church to boycott and picket this thing. Where are the dinosaurs? And shouldn't they show at least one scene where the hand of God comes down to earth and re-molds a velociraptor into a bird? When will Hollywood stop with their bias against creationism and for biological fact?

  • March 4, 2008, 11:04 a.m. CST

    sithdan...

    by greyspecter

    I<p> ...<p> <p> ...never mind. Go enjoy ID4 and Al Gore's Big Fantastic Work of Fiction. Rock on.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:06 a.m. CST

    Holy Fraggaroly!

    by travis-dane

    Sounds bad.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Too Voice-overy!

    by LargoJr

    Sexiest tomboy kittycat on the planet! Seroiusly.. did anyone NOT think this was going to suck the second the first trailers came out??

  • March 4, 2008, 11:10 a.m. CST

    The film's important message...

    by veritasses

    is Emmerich is a horrible, terrible, awful filmmaker so stop giving him money to make films.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:12 a.m. CST

    This review is fucking pretentious, even by laturo's standards.

    by ironic_name

  • March 4, 2008, 11:18 a.m. CST

    I don't normally like laturo,

    by Lost Jarv

    but that was belting.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:19 a.m. CST

    Jarv

    by Kloipy

    I just got the updated scriptures on lunch, they were fucktasticly wonderful!

  • March 4, 2008, 11:22 a.m. CST

    Arabs didn't build pyramids genius

    by happyboy

    if yer gonna nitpick the historical accuracy of a fantasy movie, makes the snark hit snarkier if you get your own snark snark.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:25 a.m. CST

    Sounds like he just wanted to see

    by norrinrad

    how exaggerated he could make a movie review. Not every movie you see is going to be the worst movie ever, it just can't be.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:26 a.m. CST

    The Mac Virus in ID4

    by veritasses

    The fate of mankind resting on Jeff Goldblum's ability to create a Mac Virus to disable the Alien ships is by far the dumbest thing ever seen on film. I'm sure he thought it was a clever "update" to the War Of The Worlds virus but that's just proof the guy shouldn't even be shooting his own vacation videos. Emmerich needs to be permanently banned from Hollywood.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:29 a.m. CST

    you could tell that this was going to be bad

    by Novaman5000

    Because the trailers were so totally vague. No dialogue, no story points. Nothing but CG epicness to make it look like this amazing tale.<p> Ah well, it should have been cool, but I'm not surprised that it wasn't.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:30 a.m. CST

    No Aliens?

    by DaBUU

    But I thought aliens built the pyramids? not only does it sound like it is a pile of steaming camel shit, but its gonna be historically innacurate to boot!

  • March 4, 2008, 11:35 a.m. CST

    I like the Conan intro voiceover...

    by Cat_Corporation

    And sadly I know it word for word. And they put it on the magnificent soundtrack! 'Conan...destined to wear the jewelled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow...' But yeah, this has looked like utter shite since the very first. Will avoid as advised.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:35 a.m. CST

    glad you like it Kloipy.

    by Lost Jarv

    As soon as I transplant the MILF photo's in, and make it a bit more poncily academic then it will be done. Unless anyone thinks of some more passages/ books etc.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:36 a.m. CST

    Wasn't Kilmer one of the Mastodons?

    by EvilWizardGlick

    Big enough these days.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:37 a.m. CST

    Novaman5000

    by Sithdan

    You're basing your assumption on one critic's review? I NEVER base my opinions of a film based on what the critics say. You should see the movie and then formulate an opinion. As I stated above, I've enjoyed many of the films that the critics have generally shredded in the past. Movies like ID4, The Patriot and Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End sit on my DVD shelf.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:38 a.m. CST

    second the support for IN BRUGES

    by Jarek

    More people have to see it. It's one of the freshest takes on the hitman genre I've ever seen, and is just overall a great time at the cinema.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:43 a.m. CST

    That review kinda made me want to see it

    by Freakemovie

    Sounds like dumb fun, which is exactly what the ads make it look like. I'm a big Independence Day fan (even though that movie has aged like shit) so I'm still looking forward to this.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:44 a.m. CST

    Jarv-I loved it man

    by Kloipy

    it was fucking beautiful

  • March 4, 2008, 11:44 a.m. CST

    Funny review....

    by Quake II

    I had no intention on ever seeing this anyway. It looks like a family friendly Apocalypto with tons of CGI animals running around.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:46 a.m. CST

    Oh, I'll throw my support for In Bruges as well

    by Freakemovie

    It's really quite good...hilarious, but it but has some really dark, really cool moments at the end too.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:49 a.m. CST

    Best Film Review Ever

    by jmatt80

  • March 4, 2008, 11:53 a.m. CST

    Sounds like a Conan knockoff

    by Preacher_mg

    The Conan stories take place around 10000 bc, they contain numerous peoples in fictional lands, and magic works. And the voiceover sounds strangly familiar... Emmerich was just too cheap to buy the rights, I guess. Or the right holders wisely refused him.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:59 a.m. CST

    My rule of thumb...

    by Pariah74

    If a movie is advertised as if it's a summer blockbuster action-o-rama but it's just barely March...odds are it's gonna suck like a hooker holding Gene Simmons' wallet.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:59 a.m. CST

    They must have been using a map of Pangea.

    by Hagakure

    That would explain a lot.

  • March 4, 2008, 12:03 p.m. CST

    Not accurate... where are the Go'uld and the Stargate?

    by turketron

    This shitfest doesn't get anything right.

  • March 4, 2008, 12:13 p.m. CST

    I fucking hated ID4 and Godzilla

    by disfigurehead

    so I have no hope for this film either.

  • March 4, 2008, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Best Review Ever!

    by porterdsgn

    <i>This film is fucking retarded, even by Roland Emmerich's standards.</I> And that line is brilliant!

  • March 4, 2008, 12:17 p.m. CST

    Unprocessed ASS

    by Stuntcock Mike

    .

  • March 4, 2008, 12:17 p.m. CST

    Why do I get the feeling...

    by Blue_Demon

    that if this had special effects by Ray Harryhausen we'd all be bent over with our pants around our ankles? Looks like something okay to while away a saturday afternoon. <p>Still...gimme Raquel Welch in that fur bikini, baby! Oh...and stop-motion dinosaurs.

  • March 4, 2008, 12:27 p.m. CST

    Hilarious

    by dr sauch

    I NEVER had hope for this. From the get go, it looked retarded.

  • March 4, 2008, 12:27 p.m. CST

    that cracked my shit up

    by occula

    and the cherry on top was the subsequent use of the phrase 'gurgling shit bog' by raindog. brilliant. i mean - do any of us really give a fish's tit about sabre-toothed tigers and mammoths? they're so 1983.<p>whatever happened to that homunculus from stargate? he was the kid who got blown up, right, coz he was so dumb he ran right under the pew-pew-pew laser beams?

  • March 4, 2008, 12:30 p.m. CST

    ForkTongue

    by arctor

    147 hours for 24 frames (all elements of the frame) = 6 hours per frame...not bad at all.

  • March 4, 2008, 12:32 p.m. CST

    The Thing is.....

    by D o o d

    There's a lot of retarded people out there who are watching his shit and he keeps making these supersized budget movies. You'd think someone high up would say,"How much do you want to make this movie..? But you're shitty Roland Emerich, now fuck off we're busy making Starshit Troopers 3"

  • March 4, 2008, 12:52 p.m. CST

    Just rewatch Gibsons masterpiece, Apocalypto instead.

    by knowthyself

    Skip on this garbage. Gibson already did it the right way.

  • March 4, 2008, 12:54 p.m. CST

    And after Apocalypto watch 300.

    by knowthyself

    That should be the experience THIS film tried to be but done far better.

  • March 4, 2008, 1:11 p.m. CST

    D&D Creator Dies

    by BilboRing

    Had a flagon of meade in his memory. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080304/ap_en_ot/obit_gygax

  • March 4, 2008, 1:15 p.m. CST

    Arctor

    by ForkTongue

    Yeah I'm an editor, so that just blows my mind. I'm sure they had about 15 to 20 different computers doing the rendering but still. That's a helluva lotta time and money for a crappy movie.

  • March 4, 2008, 1:19 p.m. CST

    hey xi

    by occula

    can you use your super-secret military networking juju to hunt down that marine who threw the puppy off the cliff and have him rubbed out? thx.

  • March 4, 2008, 1:38 p.m. CST

    That introductory narration...

    by Banshee7

    sounds like an Obama campaign commercial.

  • March 4, 2008, 1:38 p.m. CST

    RIP Gary Gygax

    by I am the most horrible

    Now we start saving our gp for a resurrection spell.

  • March 4, 2008, 1:43 p.m. CST

    Original 10,000 B.C. Script WAS without English

    by Hagrid1

    I read the script for Centropolis years ago. At that draft, the dialogue was subtitled, and NOT in English. And it felt more Conan-like rather that Battlefield Pre-Historic Earth. I remember saying it was a great read, but a hard sell without English. But a ballsy script, regardless...

  • March 4, 2008, 1:46 p.m. CST

    Man, GunRunner beat me to it.

    by Banshee7

    But it's still funny.

  • March 4, 2008, 1:55 p.m. CST

    thank you, friend-o.

    by occula

    i feel better already. i have a strange long history of witnessing dogs being abused and finding abandoned dogs on the street, and the thought of somebody doing that - especially somebody, as you say, part of an organization which has a history of collaboration with animals - makes me want to go ber-ser-ker.<p>ok, let's talk about another form of abuse instead: camilla belle in dreadlocks!

  • March 4, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST

    Save your shrill feminie whining for movies..

    by Borgnine JR

    ...that deserve it Latauro. This could be the YOR of the double 0"s.

  • March 4, 2008, 2:03 p.m. CST

    yes, but is Camilla Belle naked?

    by Zardoz

    We all knew the movie was going to suck, but is CB in her primal state?

  • March 4, 2008, 2:07 p.m. CST

    What race is it?

    by skywalkerfamily

    What race hunts wolly mammoths and then builds Egyptian Pyramids?

  • March 4, 2008, 2:08 p.m. CST

    N O W

    by idrinkyourmilkshake

    that was a great friggin review.one of the best ever.

  • March 4, 2008, 2:09 p.m. CST

    it will be great if this really flops

    by Rupee88

    and really flops means that international box office is not that high either. There are so many dumbfucks out there to make shit films profitable, but hopefully they will even turn their backs on this one.

  • March 4, 2008, 2:31 p.m. CST

    Emmerich is a shitty film-maker

    by Fist Dirtbox

    But the "review" kinda irritated me. Seemed like a snotty excercise in point scoring which utterly failed to deal with any aspect of the production that would lead somebody to go see it. Is the action plentiful? and is it any good? Any comment on the striking imagery -plenty evident in the trailer- how good's the CG... You get my point I hope. Its easy to call the film-makers retarded, (and Emmerich's track record surely puts him in the frame) but theres very little intelligent criticism in that review.

  • March 4, 2008, 2:38 p.m. CST

    The preview gave away everything

    by skywalkerfamily

    People chase animals and build stuff. The end.

  • March 4, 2008, 2:48 p.m. CST

    Prehistoric Plant

    by a rolling stone

    Either this guy's the worst plant ever, and should be fired from the studio, or he's a brilliant plant skilled in the art of reverse-psychology. Or I'm paranoid...or he wants me to think I'm paranoid.

  • March 4, 2008, 3:15 p.m. CST

    Sounds like Shit

    by Gungan Slayer

    Which is what I expected. I was excited about this film, but I wrote this off when they showed pyramids in the trailers. massive pyramids...in the year 10,000 BC...? Apparently someone missed history class....

  • March 4, 2008, 3:20 p.m. CST

    doesn't even get nekkid.

    by occula

    and she has a great rack, too. it's definitely one for the hague, gents.

  • March 4, 2008, 3:41 p.m. CST

    Well...

    by Darth Scourge

  • March 4, 2008, 3:42 p.m. CST

    by Darth Scourge

    Did anyone really expect anything good from that sauerkraut guzzling fuckwit Emmerich?

  • March 4, 2008, 3:43 p.m. CST

    We need a new word for Retarded

    by PotSmokinAlien

    ...but i'm out of ideas

  • March 4, 2008, 4:39 p.m. CST

    the new word for retarded is...

    by disfigurehead

    Fucktard

  • March 4, 2008, 4:42 p.m. CST

    What's with the Vegas shot in the commercial?

    by Mister Man

    Actually, it looks like natives trashing the Contemporary Resort in Disney World. I assume it's a pyramid, even though I immediately thought I was seeing some weird tourism commercial cutting into the "10,000 BC" spot.

  • March 4, 2008, 5:01 p.m. CST

    But how did they find a way to trash the Statue of Liberty?

    by I Dunno

    ...being Emmerich and all. I was actually wondering about the language thing and I'm glad to see that they failed in a spectacular way.

  • March 4, 2008, 5:04 p.m. CST

    I thought this was a bad review...

    by nineballninja

    But everything he described makes it sound REALLY AWESOME!

  • March 4, 2008, 5:51 p.m. CST

    Anyone would have to be tarded to...

    by alienindisguise

    expect this to be anything other than shit. On the tech side of things, I'm trying to figure out why the dinos looked better in JP and that was how many years ago? The tigers and mammoths in this look laughable at best. Seems that studios love bankrolling turds.

  • March 4, 2008, 5:52 p.m. CST

    Plan9 Anyone?

    by mike904

    That introductory narration reminds me of the one from "Plan Nine from Outer Space". "The future is important because it's where we're going to spend the rest of our lives."

  • March 4, 2008, 6:09 p.m. CST

    This movie was dead on arrival from the get go

    by Orionsangels

    Just by looking at the trailer. Hot model girl. Hot guys straight outta the Hills. All as cavemen speaking english. Ridiculous! You're insulting the audience. Do yourself a favor. Watch Apocalypto.

  • March 4, 2008, 6:56 p.m. CST

    WHERE IS THAT GUY WHO LOVES USING

    by iamjoebu

    THE TERM "WINGNUT"... He is small and entertaining... like Webster.

  • Not to defend what looks like a totally shallow movie from a shallow director, but perhaps the bad guys were speaking another language that the heroes don't know is because--THEY'RE SPEAKING A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE THAT THE HEROES DON'T KNOW??!!! Is that really too hard a concept to grasp after accepting fricking Russian accents and, by your own account, an insultingly over-explanatory voice over narration? I mean, come on, if you're all pissy about the movie by then that you are picking at stuff as simple as that, then I think you need to be honest with yourself that the movie was already bothering you and save the shit storm for more credible gripes--of which it sounds like there were many anyway. This doesn't sound bad by Emmerich standards though, it sounds like what we should really expect from him.

  • March 4, 2008, 8:31 p.m. CST

    SO YOU'RE SAYING IT ISN'T A VERY SMART ROLAND EMMERICH FILM?

    by BurgerTime

    So what else is new?

  • March 4, 2008, 8:59 p.m. CST

    Funny, after that unintelligibly awful trailer, I figured...

    by kevred

    ...that it would be precisely this bad. Who is it, exactly, that thinks things like this are good ideas? And how do they get so very much money?

  • March 4, 2008, 9:31 p.m. CST

    You Know You'll Go SEE this Anyways.

    by mistergreen

    Feels a bit like Conan The Barbarian.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:37 p.m. CST

    In case you needed another reason to hate Roland Emmerich

    by ironburl

    He supports Hillary: http://tinyurl.com/37xd2u

  • March 4, 2008, 9:37 p.m. CST

    Great review.

    by KillDozer

    Please let this be the film that end Emmerich's career.

  • March 4, 2008, 9:45 p.m. CST

    I'm throwing in another vote for IN BRUGES

    by Bass Bastardson

    As best movie of the year so far. Honestly, 9 months from now it may wind up being my favorite film of the year. I have seen it several times and it just gets better and better. It is dark and very funny and dramatic and layered as well. I really feel like the studio dropped the ball on "In Bruges" by dumping it in February. It should have had a much bigger audience than it has been getting. And where has the AICN love been? I haven't seen a single article on this awesome movie.

  • March 4, 2008, 10:15 p.m. CST

    Wait a minute..

    by nolan bautista

    ..Greedo spoke in sub-titles..do you mean to tell me that Han Solo was literally speaking English?..

  • March 4, 2008, 11:07 p.m. CST

    Best ID4 thing ever is

    by messi

    I'm not one for pointing out plot holes or whatever because then i should just watch the news for reality but the idea that a Mac book connects with an alien computer system but doesn't interface with anything else on earth is pretty funny.

  • March 4, 2008, 11:42 p.m. CST

    Bass Bastardson

    by BadMrWonka

    there have been at least 4 posts about the film, with reviews...how often do you visit AICN?

  • March 4, 2008, 11:45 p.m. CST

    Why does Hollywood think their audience is retarded?

    by Buckys_Kick_Ass_Arm

    Where the Wild Things Are by Spike Jonze sounds amazing... will it be released? No. Audiences are just too retarded to "get" it. Someone needs to slap someone upside the head and let them know that audiences are not puddles of organic, farting goo made to think that a clearly CGI sabretooth cat is kick-ass enough to shit out 12 dollars to watch people fake interact with it.

  • March 5, 2008, 12:43 a.m. CST

    MAYBE DONALD RUMSFELD WROTE THAT INTRODUCTORY NARRATION

    by BringingSexyBack

    Sounds suspiciously similar to his Known Unknowns theorum. <p> I don't recall reading any of your previous reviews, Latauro, but that was the epitome of a great AICN review. Like Vern, but condensed. Great stuff. I just wanna glimpse of Camilla Belle in cavegirl gear. That is all.

  • March 5, 2008, 1:04 a.m. CST

    Great dialogue "Dude like a mammoth! Like run y'all!!!"

    by Orionsangels

  • March 5, 2008, 1:04 a.m. CST

    No surprise here

    by Atomic Swirl

    I knew that this movie was going to suck when I saw the rating. A movie about the year 10,000 BC that's rated PG-13?! Give me a fucking break!

  • March 5, 2008, 2:05 a.m. CST

    It was fun watching Apocolypto bomb at the

    by skywalkerfamily

    box office. It looked shitty.

  • March 5, 2008, 4:03 a.m. CST

    Microsoft AutoScript screenplay?

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    Lol! :-)

  • March 5, 2008, 4:50 a.m. CST

    10,000BCINO!!!

    by uVa

    It was waiting to be said... by the way that review was great - relishing in the crapness, while still actually making a clear point.

  • March 5, 2008, 7:02 a.m. CST

    Opening Bit

    by Bad LT

    Reminds me of Ed Wood "The future concerns all of us, because that is where we will spend the rest of our lives. And remember, future events such as they will affect you, in the future."

  • March 5, 2008, 7:08 a.m. CST

    Apocolypto wasn't shitty skywalker...

    by just pillow talk

    Nothing earth shattering, but it was a good action/nick of time movie.

  • March 5, 2008, 7:31 a.m. CST

    APOCALYPTO ... BOMBED?

    by BringingSexyBack

    Did you see its numbers? Not only did it do well, it did fantastic for a movie spoken in an ancient language. Besides that, though, great movie.

  • March 5, 2008, 7:55 a.m. CST

    what's with the Apocolypto hate?

    by Kloipy

    that movie was fucking fantastic!

  • March 5, 2008, 8:03 a.m. CST

    This movie will RULE

    by Sithdan

    Nuff said.

  • March 5, 2008, 8:22 a.m. CST

    Dont knock 10000BC

    by theycallmemrglass

    Shit films like this result in the most hilarious scathing reviews! So without having the torment of watching this crap, I am still grateful for it to influence reviewers to make us laugh with lines such as "Emmerich was really commenting on our society with the film's central message: black people and white people can come together to kill Arabs. Seriously, I'm welling up with its inherent beauty"

  • March 5, 2008, 9:02 a.m. CST

    bullshit

    by emaraldguardian2007

    those giant birds died out like 13000 years ago,and they did not live with wooly mammoth. in 10000 bc, they did not use sail boats either. its insulting that he threw a bunch of prehistory in a blender and gave this to us! and just where the hell does it take place? it has pyramids, sailboats, sabretooth tigers, giant birds from australi, and your 9 bucks!

  • March 5, 2008, 9:19 a.m. CST

    The Dark Knight Trailer Attached?

    by Admiral Nelson

    There's a rumor that a new TDK trailer is going to be attached to this film, which is 90+ percent of why I'd see it (apart from the CG -- I'm a 3D graphics artist.) Anyone else heard this?

  • March 5, 2008, 9:29 a.m. CST

    yeah TDK trailer featuring Harvey Dent is supposed to appear

    by Buckys_Kick_Ass_Arm

    But that will be on the net almost just as soon.

  • March 5, 2008, 9:50 a.m. CST

    Encino!

    by ironic_name

  • March 5, 2008, 9:55 a.m. CST

    If this movie includes Optimus Prime landing on a mammoth, I'll

    by GibsonUSA

    No flames.

  • March 5, 2008, 9:55 a.m. CST

    ...watch.

    by GibsonUSA

  • March 5, 2008, 10:24 a.m. CST

    I for one would rather see

    by Nabster

    Roland Emmerich devolve into making even worse films, I just find it more interesting to see a laughable failure from the likes of him. A movie like the Patriot does not fit him well, I he is not suited to trying high brow films.

  • March 5, 2008, 11:12 a.m. CST

    Pathfinder

    by AlwaysThere

    That's a great movie to watch and laugh at how stupid it is.

  • March 5, 2008, 11:14 a.m. CST

    AlwaysThere

    by just pillow talk

    True, but it's missing that certain cheesiness like say, Beastmaster, that would put it over the edge.

  • March 5, 2008, 11:36 a.m. CST

    So how does this compare to Clan of the Cave Bear?

    by Norm

    That's what I want to know.

  • March 5, 2008, 11:42 a.m. CST

    You liked day after tomorrow?

    by BendersShinyAss

    even the title is a glimpse into how lunatic assalym this filmmaker is. <p> I did enjoy ID4 first couple times around... but damn that film hasn't aged well... <p>Neither has stargate. The first 20 odd minutes of that film was and still the best opening of any cheap sci-fi film.... but even then he re-released it all re-edited and crappified

  • March 5, 2008, 1:22 p.m. CST

    TomBodet- I"M SAILING! I'M SAILING!!!

    by Kloipy

  • March 5, 2008, 2:10 p.m. CST

    BadWonka

    by Bass Bastardson

    Almost every day. But maybe I just somehow missed them. I did a search before I posted, just to make sure, and nothing came up... but we all know how useless AICN's search is. Anyway, my point is still valid - usually when a movie starts getting love from this site, there seems to be a new article or review about said movie every single day or years. There was none of that crap for In Bruges, and I thought it was more than deserving of said dead-horse-beating treatment.

  • March 5, 2008, 2:11 p.m. CST

    FOR years...

    by Bass Bastardson

    ...not OR years. Damned missing edit button.

  • March 5, 2008, 3:37 p.m. CST

    Emmerich should go back to Germany and film for Lindenstraße!

    by Sackratte

    I've planned on seeing it next week but after this review I will not go. No bucks from me for Roland. Take this Du Schwabenkopf. Oh... have you noticed how original the names of the main characters are? Try to read them backwards and you get exactly the essence of this shit story!!!

  • March 5, 2008, 9:39 p.m. CST

    Lemons

    by Cobbio

    Thanks for the review, Latauro. I wasn't going to see this film anyway, since I'm not a member of the braindead popcorn-happy crowd, but I appreciate the warning.<p> So this film is bad even by Roland Emmerich's low standards? Wow. That's fucking bad. Pathetic is probably a better description.<p> Emmerich's big on sweeping shots and effects, microscopic on story and character. He just is. He's a smiling, slickly dressed used car salesman in cheap shades telling you the lemon looks great so it'll run great too. Problem is, he's lying. Upon closer examination the car sucks. Just like his movies. Braindead is too kind a word to describe his cinematic feces.<p> But I'm sure he knows this. All used car salesmen do. But people keep buying the pretties, hoping the engines will run like new when driven off the lot.<p> But they don't. They break down because they're lemons. People make excuses, telling themselves they really liked the car even though it had "a few problems".<p> I'm sure "10000 BC" will do gangbusters at the box office. People like their pretty lemons.

  • March 5, 2008, 10:10 p.m. CST

    Re: ccchhhrrriiisssm

    by Cobbio

    So you're using this talkback to bash Obama, huh? Nice going. I hope Hilary's whores are nicely sucking your dick.<p> I just want everyone to know: I'm voting for Obama. Fuck the American political machine.

  • March 5, 2008, 11:31 p.m. CST

    I'll take one for the team.

    by fullguyatemyshorts

    well it looks like I'm the only one in the world who has seen this movie so far. So here is what I think. First to everyone criticizing this movie because it is inacurate to caveman history you get a big "fuck you!" from me. Why is it that a medieval fantasy can be excepted and not linked to our earth history, but you can't handle a fantasy world based on prehistory? This is a fantasy movie- that is all it tries to be. I am a huge fan of prehistoric human doco on Discovery channel so I got a huge kick out of how mangled everything is in this mongoloid movie. A tribe of caveman that have permanent homes set up and have to starve until the migration of mammomths return to their door step each year. Now that's so dumb you just have to smile. The baddies look like primtive Arabs- yeah right, what a lazy way to portray evil. Just tap into the current mainstream fear created by the media. The hero is a pussy. He chase after his kidnapped girlfriend for entire movie but does nothing heroic. Stange, pointless random stuff happens to him and everyone interupt it as heroic or some weird shit prophecy. Lame. Camilla Belle is a fox in this movie. She is wasted as the damsel in distress. How hard is it? Why does the hero have to be the man to save the helpless woman Why not have Camille Bell as the hero complete with skimpy fur bikini and have her smash bash her way across a prheistoric wild lands to rescue her pussy boyfriend. Plus yet again Emmerich has made another movie that while watching it, feels like another movie you have already seen. Isn't that how can you tell when a movie is made by a hack? But to finish up, fuck me this movie is stupid but by crikey it is a lot of fun to watch. I enjoyed it And the way you're all howling and moaning about this movie you'd think the decline of Hollywood has only started in the last five years. This movie reminded me of Beast Master that is over twenty years old. That movie was awesome when I was a kid. But have any of you watched it lately? What a god aweful piece of shit. Hollywood pumped out shit movies twenty years ago and still do to this day. Get over it.