Harry's Live Commentary For The 2008 Academy Awards - Enter At Your Own Risk

Hey folks, Harry here - It's 5pm Central - For the last several hours - Yoko and I have been readying our Oscar throwdown decadent liberal party... We've got silver trays of blow, ladies of the night covered in gold paint and 100% dolphin tuna salad. Actually - I keed. Right now I'm in my Armani shirt with my Godzilla button covers and Tux pants with my Godzilla shoes. I'm not sure what it is about Godzilla that says Oscars - but ya know - when you can customize the dress for the evening to be your own MAN IN SUIT - I say go for it, dare it, be it. Right now - we have around 15 bottles of Champagne Iced Down - and one bottle in a cryo-tank to scientifically regulate its temperature. It was a wedding present and we're letting its eerie blue glow glow. From the ever-present coverage of E! - it seems it is drip dripping upon the Oscar world. So will everyone be wearing the SINGING IN THE RAIN garb? Somehow... I think not. Any time now the first celebs will be arriving so I can begin fawning or bitching about them... more likely I'll be bitching about the E! coverage - and go from there. I'll be back... as soon as anything vaguely comment-able will appear... While nothing is going on - I'll go ahead and state my biases in this popularity contest. I'm rooting for Daniel Day Lewis, Casey Affleck, Ellen Page and Cate Blanchett in the Acting Categories. I'll be ecstatic if Persepolis wins - but will be happy for Brad Bird and the Pixar crew if Ratatouille wins. For Art Direction I'd like There WIll Be Blood or Sweeney Todd win. For Cinematography I'm pulling for Roger Deakins' brilliant work on The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford. For Costumes, I'll go for Across the Universe, but I feel that Sweeney will get it. For Direction I'm pulling for Paul Thomas Anderson, while feeling that the Coens will pick it up for No Country. For best Documentary - I love SICKO, but frankly I'm not very happy with the Academy's picks this year. For Film Editing - I'd have to go with No Country. On Foreign Language Film - I'm 100% behind Mongol. For Makeup - I will kill a puppy if Norbit wins. For best score, I can't believe I'm rooting for Marco Beltrami's 3:10 TO YUMA - but I know that Dario Marianelli will win for Atonement. For best song - I am pulling for the Happy Working Song. Best picture will go to No Country - though I'd love There Will Be Blood to win... I just can't be that in tune with Hollywood. I want the Russian animated Peter & The Wolf to win. For Live Action short - The Substitute. For Sound Editing - I'm rooting for Ratatouille and for Sound Mixing - I'll go to No Country. For visual effects - I can not deny giant fucking robots. For adapted screenplay I vote for There Will Be Blood. For Original - I vote for Juno. Amazing script there. The "Bardem" gag on E! - according to my Dad was written prior to the end of the strike. Juno's best friend looks amazing dressed up - and Anne Hathaway is a bit lost. The most lost though seems to be the E! hosts. Be back in a bit... Wow - Travolta has the worst hairdo ever.... Ruby Dee is a character. Saoirse Ronan is so cute... and her voice is a killer. James McAvoy is the spawn of satan - he eats children. Why is the ROCK at the Oscars? George looks like he owns everybody else and his girlfriend is awesome! Daniel Day Lewis has Pirate Earrings!!! Oh My God! That's awesome!!! Travolta's hair is like black ch ch chia. In fact - it looks like that flocked G. I. Joe hair. That's amazing. Steve Carrell should be talking to his shoe right now. My God - Ryan is talking to Patrick Dempsey... Amazingly significant red carpet interview. Amy Adams' dress doesn't look good. Laura Linney is looking great. Miley Cyrus has great chandelier rings. Tommy Lee Jones looks aggravated. ROCK is getting E! time - and he's presenting an award... which one... Best Actress? His role model was Clint Eastwood. James McAvoy eats children. Jessica Alba has purple boa all over her breasts. Seth Rogen has weird hair stuff going on. I'm kinda beginning to go numb. Why do I write this stuff. Oh god - Daniel Day Lewis is the most awesome genius freak of an actor ever. Ryan Secrest was verbally assaulted by the Gary Busey - Ryan is speaking with Jennier Garner and Laura Linney - and now Busey is hugging and kissing everyone - and Garner is nervous and afraid of the Busey - this is hilarious. Ryan is so scared of Gary. Fucking Awesome. Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan are some how infinitely less funny than the sexually assaultive joy that was Gary Busey. Ok - nothing will top the Busey - so now I'm on the WaWas special where Ellen Page is on singing her Juno song. Now she's interviewing Harrison Ford - American Graffitti - BEER. Star Wars films - ENGLAND. Blade Runner - RIDLEY. Witness - ONE OF THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE. The Fugitive - NEVER THOUGHT IT'D TURN OUT SO WELL. 4 Indy movies - STEVEN SPIELBERG... and George of course. "Easily the most anticipated movie of the 21st Century" - Barbara Walters about the 4th Indiana Jones movie. He says Indiana Jones is now 20 years older. Harrison wants to be remembered as a good collaborator. And the go out with one of those Disney singer people. Ok now for the official red carpet... Oh god - Regis... That's insane. Harrison walking by behind him. Now George Clooney is talking with Regis... George feels he was better in BATMAN & ROBIN than in MICHAEL CLAYTON. Marion Cotillard's alabaster mermaid dress is exquisite... and she's lovely beyond words. Travolta's hair in HD is... very evil to his hair piece. Now Linney is subjected to the Regis. Can't wait to see Bardem at the Oscars... Oh - he looks rugged, yet dapper. I hate Miley Cyrus - "Just when you thought Billy Ray Cyrus was gone forever" - Kentuckian - Gordon Jones... MICKEY ROONEY!!!! I have to say - watching Mickey Rooney on the red carpet - even for a flash - I'm just ecstatic. Ok - sorry - made a bathroom run - now it's time to begin the big show... I noticed that Javier Bardem is sitting next to Jack Nicholson... how genius is that seating? I mean - they're going to kill people together. And ya know... you could cast Javier Bardem as Nicholson's son in a film of significant violence. Oh this opening is kinda super cool... I can't even breakdown everything that's going on. He was delivered to the stage by pnuematic tubes... He is... Jon Stewart. Lol - Vanity Fair Oscar Party invite writers. Psychopathic killers - does Hollywood need a hug? Thank god for Teen Pregnancy.... I love Stewart. Hannibal Lector meets Dorothy Hammil's wedge cut. See where the Jews are in the audience... lol... Too Often The Academy Ignores Movies That Aren't Good. GENIUS!!! Oscar is now 80, which makes him the front runner for the Republican nomination. Usually when you see a black man or a woman president - an asteroid is about to hit the statue of liberty! - Great opening monologue! First presenter - Jennifer Garner - to present Best Costume Design. Achievement in costume design "Across the Universe" Albert Wolsky Great work. "Atonement" Jacqueline Durran No. "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" Alexandra Byrne Beautiful work. "La Vie en Rose" Marit Allen Nice. "Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" Colleen Atwood Gorgeous. The oscar goes to ELIZABETH THE GOLDEN AGE - Alexandra Byrne!!! Fantastic work in that movie. Nice short acceptance. George Clooney comes out - to present - 80 years of Oscars.... to the music of ET... weird... I actually really like the Jerry Lewis moment... OH FUCK - BENINGNI... I HATE THAT GUY He Fucked Ian McKellen out of his Oscar. "and the other life I might have had" - god I love that Chaplin moment. Oh those are camels - iPhone movie downloads - redic Steve Carrell and Ann Hathaway - to present - Animated Movies - I think he just said SHIT... I am pretty sure. PERSEPOLIS - please win RATATOUILLE - You can win. SURF'S UP - DO NOT WIN. Oscar goes to RATATOUILLE - Brad Bird! The second academy award for THE MAN! Should have won for IRON GIANT. Great acceptance speech - His Guidance Counseler trying to talk him out of movie making. Hilarious. Katherine Hiegl - Damn she's fucking hot tonight... as opposed to usual. Presenting Best MAKE UP... LA VIE EN ROSE - lovely work. WIN! NORBIT - please not more fat movie make up. POTC:AWE - No. Winner is LA VIE EN ROSE!!! - Didier - Thank you, very much... but the way he said it... AWESOME. Great voice. Amy Adams - HAPPY WORKING SONG - I love this song - and this is weird - no production number - just Amy on the stage - She's so cute... I love this song and really hope and pray this wins. Not a real fan of these little Oscar moments from the past. Missed Jon's first joke cuz of Massawyrm talking rudely... The ROCK is presenting the award for BEST VISUAL EFFECTS - apparently he was scared by face melting... THE GOLDEN COMPASS - nice POTC: AWE - nice TRANSFORMERS - incredible - better win. Oscar goes to THE GOLDEN COMPASS - no way! Fuckin' hell - TRANSFORMERS - --- Cate Blanchett - Best ART DIRECTION... AMERICAN GANGSTER - not really. ATONEMENT - very nice work. THE GOLDEN COMPASS - pretty. SWEENEY TODD - gorgeous. THERE WILL BE BLOOD - genius - Oscar goes to SWEENEY TODD! I love people with Italian Accents - they sound so sincere when being greatful. --- Supporting actor montage... Joel Grey is awesome... ROCK ON... Jennifer Hudson presents best Supporting Actor noms... Casey Affleck - AOJJBTCRF... Please fucking win. Javier Bardem - NCFOM - he'll win - and I can't argue, accept I fucking love Casey's performance. Phillip Seymour Hoffman - CWW - so fucking good. Great performance. Hal Holbrook - INTO THE WILD - really good role. Tom Wilkinson - absolutely great. this is the single hardest category. And the winner is... JAVIER BARDEM - Oh I love that role. I wanted Casey to win to just bring more attention to that fucking great movie. Oh well. AT THIS POINT I ACCIDENTLY DELETED SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS PETER AND THE WOLF won SHORT ANIMATED FILM. LES MOZART DES PICKPOCKETS won SHORT FILM --- DAMN MY STUBBY INTOXICATED FINGERS... Alan Arkin presents for Best Supporting Actress... Cate Blanchett - I'M NOT THERE... brilliant. RUBY DEE - American Gangster - not as great at Cate Saorise Ronan - Atonement - good work Amy Ryan - Gone Baby Gone - great work - but boy did I hate the character. Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton - I didn't like her much in that film. And the oscar goes to... TILDA SWINTON - wow - I love her in a ton of her work - but I'm just not in love with this role. Best acceptance speech of the night. Do you really think she'll give the oscar to her agent? And Jack is here… Josh Brolin and James McAvoy – come out to present – BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY… ATONEMENT AWAY FROM HER DIVING BELL & THE BUTTERFLY NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN THERE WILL BE BLOOD… And the winner is The Coen Brothers – NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN… - first heads up on TWBB – this looks like their night, I’m thinking… HOMER and CORMAC MCCARTHY… ‘ow they count ballots – was AMAZING. Miley Cyrus – ugh…. THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW song from ENCHANTED… That number was less cool than the first one, mainly because it isn’t being sung by Amy Adams – who is fantastic singing the numbers. Shame she didn’t do that one. You might be wondering why I disappeared there for a while – well the site had a malfunction… my clumsy fingers deleted about 300 words… and well – these are the problems of blogging live without a net. And the sheer numbers of hits on this article have been gigantic – and tech issues are a continual issue with it. Dame Judi Dench and Halle Berry follow up a silly Baby gag. Instead it’s Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill. – SOUND EDITING… BOURNE ULTIMATUM RATATOUILLE THERE WILL BE BLOOD TRANSFORMERS And the winner is – THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM… Karen Baker Landers and Per Hallburg – they seem to be - funny sound editor knew when the music would come in. Jonah and Seth do SOUND MIXING… THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN RATATOUILLE 3:10 TO YUMA TRANSFORMERS And the Oscar goes to:…. THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM… “Would it be ok to kiss Halle Berry now?” Fucking hilarious… Forrest Whittacker presents Best Actress… Cate Blanchett – ELIZABETH THE GOLDEN AGE - wonderful Julie Christie – AWAY FROM HER – lovely work Marion Cotillard – LE VIE EN ROSE – genius… Laura Linney – THE SAVAGES – great work. Ellen Page – JUNO – please please please win… And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to… MARION COTTILARD – “It is true there are angels in this city!” Awesome! This was a great category… Amazing… The ONCE musical number – missed the start of… but damn this is a real great song… it’s only because I’m retardedly in love with HAPPY WORKING SONG… JACK NICHOLSON is coming out… because he’s a badass… and he has Devil ears – fucking look at those Devil Ears… - he’s introducing 80 years of Best Pictures… IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT!!! I have that GREAT ZIEGFELD one sheet… Gene Kelly… ON THE WATERFRONT… MADNESS… THE APARTMENT… I want some More. PATTON… FRENCH… GODFATHer. THE STING, Part 2… Cuckoo… Rocky, Annie Hall beat Star Wars…. – Fuck Chariots of fire…. AMADEUS!!! It’s weird to see the modern films in context to the older ones… they feel less outstanding… - Like CRASH and MILLION DOLLAR BABY – really? Not so much… Rene Zellweger… - her dress kinda looks like a platinum Wonder Woman costume…. FILM EDITING… THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY INTO THE WILD NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN THERE WILL BE BLOOD And the winner is THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM Now Nicole Kidman comes out – and she’s looking gorgeous as usual… and damn – are those diamonds? That’s CRAZY… Ah Production design… Robert Boyle’s work… He’s done so many brilliant films – so much of Hitchcock’s work… Amazing. Penelope Cruz with a chestful of crows… - Best Foreign Film BEAUFORT THE COUNTERFEITERS KATYN MONGOL 12 Come on MONGOL…. And the winner is… THE COUNTERFEITERS – And now Patrick Dempsey comes out to announce the third song… Here we go with SO CLOSE… One attendee at the party is enjoying the cloth sphincters in the background. And now we have JOHN TRAVOLTA who comes dancing out of the dancers… to groans in my room BEST SONG Once – Falling Slowly ENCHANTED – HAPPY WORKING SONG August Rush – Raise it up ENCHANTED – So Close ENCHANTED – That’s How You know And the oscar goes to… ONCE wins! And that song so deserves it as the entire film is about making that song!… Best acceptance moment… Glen Hansard was the face of amazement and that cocksucker Bill Conti not letting Marketa Irglova speak… Cock Sucker!!! Jon Stewart is not a CockSucker – YES! FUCKING A!!! I love Jon Stewart. Brilliant Cameron Diaz – does BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – and had a dickens of the time saying Cinematography… Roger Deakins – Jesse – please… Seamus McGarvey Janusz Kaminski Roger Deakins – Robert Elswit… -- The oscar goes to THERE WILL BE BLOOD. That and ASSASSINATION were genius… There was a lot of brilliant work in this category. Hillary Swank to do the Death Montage… Here we go, I’m about to cry… Roscoe Browne, Barry Nelson, Kitty Hart, Betty Hutton, Calvin Lockhart, Janee wyman, Melville Shavelson, Curtis Harrington, Jack Valenti, Michael Kidd, Antonioni, Delbert Mann, Monty Westmore, Peter Handford, Bud Ekins, Bernard Gordon, Dabs Greer,, Harold , Laraine Day, Cassell, Lois Maxwell, Laszlo Kovacs, Robert Clark, George , Jonny Grant, Frank Rosenfelt, Martin, Donfeld, Sembene , Freddy Fields, Robert Lantz, Ray Kur, Miyoshi, Suzanne Plesshette, Deborah kerr, Peter, Peter Zinner, Freddi Francis, Ingmar Bergman, Ray Evans, William Tuttle, Heath Ledger -- however they left out Brad Renfro… but I didn’t. Amy Adams comes out to do Best Score… Atonement – Dario Kite Runner – Michael Clayton – Ratatouille 3:10 TO YUMA The Oscar goes to Dario Marianelli for ATONEMENT – which was an amazing score – but personally – I love 3:10 TO YUMA. The next presenter is Tom Hanks – And some soldiers from Iraq – present for Documentary Short Subjects – Freeheld La Corona Salim Baba Sari’s Mother And the winner goes to FREEHELD – which I haven’t seen. But is apparently coming up on Cinemax later this year. Next is Hanks presenting Documentary Features… NO END IN SIGHT OPERATION HOMECOMING SICKO TAXI TO THE DARKSIDE WARDANCE This category has a lot of missing quality docs – but the winner is TAXI TO THE DARKSIDE – personally my pick for best doc would be between TERROR’S ADVOCATE and THE KING OF KONG… but Documentary. Now Harrison Ford – auto dealership owner… to do Best Original Screenplay – JUNO LARS AND THE REAL GIRL MICHAEL CLAYTON RATATOUILLE THE SAVAGES And the oscar goes to… Diablo Cody – JUNO… wow – I liked that a lot. I wish Ellen would’ve won too. But if JUNO had to win just one award – this was the Award and the person to win. The Best Actor montage is all sorts of cool… Helen Mirren – “cajones” spoken by Helen Mirren is genius… George Clooney Daniel Day Lewis – best performance I feel I’ve ever seen… Johnny Depp – great role Tommy Lee Jones – very nice performance – understated and done in nano-moments. Viggo Mortensen – can’t believe he got the nom – but I’m so happy its here. And the oscar goes to DANIEL DAY LEWIS – fucking awesome – “Whacking me with the handsomest bludgeon in town” The rightest award ever bestowed. Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau doing the Best Director intro….to the montage… Martin Scorsese - presents Best Director… Julian Schnabel Jason Reitman Tony Gilroy Coen Brothers Paul Thomas Anderson… And the oscar goes to THE COEN BROTHERS!!! Personally – this year has been the biggest split – cuz we have two truly brilliant films… and the COENS have been the greatest and most consistently brilliant directors in history… Denzel Washington looking EVIL presents best picture ATONEMENT JUNO MICHAEL CLAYTON NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN THERE WILL BE BLOOD And the oscar goes to NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN Scott Rudin is accepting – This is absolutely a brilliant film and the choice between this and THERE WILL BE BLOOD is just a flip of the coin. That said – this was the COEN’s year – and why the hell not!