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SPEED RACER Screened This Week, And Our Spy Was There!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. When this spy wrote in the first time, he sent a very thin piece. Hesitant. I wrote him back, asked him some questions, and asked him to write in with more detail. I had one big question for him, since Toshi’s mad for this trailer, too. Basically, the entire Apple Quicktime page is like a playground for him when he comes into my office to see me while I’m working. “Daddy, play BATMAN. Play FUCK YOU PANDA. Play INDY JONE. Play WALL·E. Play SPEED RACER.” What makes me laugh the most is the way he plays trailer karaoke. He does a wicked Heath Ledger as The Joker ("Daddy, it's me!"), he pretends to be a robot while he watches WALL·E. And he can perform most of the SPEED RACER trailer now, with his impression of the smarmy dude who threatens Speed in the trailer (“I guarantee you won’t even finish the race!”) a particular joy. So one of the things I’m most curious about is the potential rating for the film, since the Wachowskis said they were aiming for a G. I'd love to take Toshi to see this in the theater this summer. I asked this guy about it, and he said: “No, as it stands there is cursing in it, which shocked my roommate and I because we heard that they were gunning for the G rating as well. They say “ass” about 3 or 4 times, “shit” at least once, and Spritle flips off another character. Not sure if that’s all going to be edited out, but one or two scenes, it seemed impossible to do so, as it would change a lot. But I’m sure that they will figure out something, maybe alternate takes of the same scenes. I just don’t understand why they would include them if they planned on going for a G eventually anyways. This seriously is the biggest surprise for me this year, because I thought I was going to hate this movie.” And he didn’t. Not by a long shot. Check it out, and thanks again for the review, man.

MINOR SPOILER REVIEW First time reviewing a film in writing, not the best but here ya go. So on Monday, Feb.18, I was able to attend a screening of a very unfinished version of Speed Racer held in the afternoon on the Warner Bros. lot for "friends and family". Needless to say I was not expecting much out of the film for too many reasons. One: Its based on a cartoon, which hasn't been the greatest contribution to cinema in the past. And while I remember the cartoon and liked watching it as a kid, I had no real sentimental attachment to it or the characters. Two: Written and directed by the Wachowskis, their track record has been spotty at best ( I like the first Matrix, the other two are complete meandering disasters). And three: The trailer. It caught me off guard because it looks exactly like a living cartoon. And that was the last thing I expected. Of course they warned us that the music was only temporary, and that the FX had not been completed just yet and was a huge understatement! I have been to many test screenings and have never seen anything this incomplete before, seeing as how the movie relies heavily on CGI to make up the environment around the characters in nearly every aspect of their lives. Strangley I am able to say that I still actually enjoyed this movie a whole hell of a lot. It is definately a living cartoon handled by two, ahem, people ( men?? not sure what I should put there) who seem to have a true love and affinity for the cartoon. Its hoaky, corny, and completely defies reality, sure. But it is done so well that it truly was entertaining. Exactly what a family summer movie should be. The race sequences are some of the most kinetic and intense that I have ever seen (even when it is just shitty cartoon pre-vis renderings flying around on the tracks). The action was so intense and crazy in parts that seriously it made the Matrix movies seem like you're watching a Gus Van Sant art film. The plot is typical of a movie like this. Main character is good at what he does, gets the world offered to him by a crooked business man, and has to defy him and expose him for his crimes. Nothing new there and I dont believe I am spoiling anything, as you can see that in the preview. What is surprising is the amount of character and family that the movie portrays.The movie starts off with Speed waiting in his locker room for the race to begin. Then immediately we flash back to Speed as a kid trying to take a test in grade school, but he just cant seem to concentrate, all he can think about is racing, so he pretends to race through the test. We literally see his imagination come to life as he races a childishly drawn race car past other crudely drawn race cars. One thing I didnt expect from the movie was how well they develop the relationship between Speed and his brother Rex. This level of writing surprised me, because the movie, to me, moved beyond typical superficial fun, and actually has character, story and heart. I had heard that the Wachowskis were in fact going for a G rating, but as it stands, this just isnt going to happen unless they edit out some major moments, or have alternate takes for them. I am guessing that they will end up with a PG-13 rating, due to violence and cursing. My favorite scenes (besides the races) involved, sadly, the childish antics of Spritle (Speeds younger brother) and his monkey ChimChim. They are used to break up certain moments in the movie from getting too serious or too boring. Trust me though, there is plenty of action in this one, including a great fight scene where ninjas try to attack a group of racers in their sleep. Moments like this are typical of the Wachowskis, and people seem to expect this from them now. They completely deliver. Is the movie perfect? No. The only problem for me was that it did drag a little bit in the middle, seeing as how this was a first cut however, that didnt bother me too bad. Im sure they will tighten it up before release. The relationships between several of the villains is confusing and needs to be addressed and due to unfinished FX there was a lot of confusion at first as to what was happening during the races. After watching it though, I am even more curious to see a finished product of the movie because I know it will be jaw dropping. I think that this could be a big hit for Warner Bros. this year, as long as audiences get what they were trying to do with this movie. I do think it has appeal to just about anybody, even if you are not a traditional fan of the cartoon, as I was not. If you use this review please refer to me as Keyholed.
Readers Talkback
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  • Feb. 21, 2008, 5:43 a.m. CST

    FIRST !

    by Se7en

    Again !

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 5:48 a.m. CST

    Awsome

    by Christobal

    I'm really pulling for this movie to be a hit. Mach 5 toys will be FUN!!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 5:49 a.m. CST

    Planty McPlanterson

    by random dude

    Third!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:02 a.m. CST

    CAN'T WAIT!

    by messi

    I loved Speed Racer and the visual style and vision they are taking on is perfect.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:03 a.m. CST

    Other stuff to make into Kid movies

    by messi

    I was thinking of other adaptations. I had one that was perfect to turn into CG cartoon then I forgot what it was, I also thought of Samurai Pizza Cats. Anybody else go ideas?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:03 a.m. CST

    most good...

    by uVa

    can't wait for this one

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:06 a.m. CST

    this film looks and sounds

    by Mr Cairo

    great for 6 year olds but thats it i don't expect massive box office just merchandise cash in's to make money

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:07 a.m. CST

    Toshi says "Fuck You Panda"?

    by DarthBakpao

    You should videotape it and put in on YouTube

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:09 a.m. CST

    looks like a big CG mess!

    by FILMFUNK

    like those pisspoor SpyKid flicks which don't even bother trying to make any sense coz they know kids will watch anything fast and shiny!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:18 a.m. CST

    Keyholed?

    by Bobo_Vision

    Was the name "Assfucked" taken? I kid.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:52 a.m. CST

    Glad it won't be G

    by Dazzler69

    I first heard that and shook my head. Only the basest kiddie crap gets a G rating anymore.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:55 a.m. CST

    So much for taking the kid.

    by JDanielP

    Maybe they'll release "2" versions of the flick, so that parents will feel okay about taking their young children. But I won't hold my breath. And hey, Moriarty. I bet my kid can beat up your kid. (snort! ...just kiddin' around)

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:06 a.m. CST

    future unrated dvd edition?

    by Bouncy X

    thats possibly what he saw, cuz we all know how they love releasing and unrated version with "never before seen footage".

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:08 a.m. CST

    Hmm...

    by Anna Valerious

    I'm wondering if WB is going to develop that English-language "Death Note" they hinted at. The star of the original said that they wanted an English-language remake, but he wanted the Japanese cast in it...sorry, but I'm thinking that they'll get Jesse McCartney as Light and Cillian Murphy as L. And how kickass would James Woods be as the voice of Ryuuk? Anyway...I really can't wait to see this movie because it might open the door to more live-action anime. (Heck, movies nowadays borrow from it a lot...)

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:20 a.m. CST

    the first postive review, thanks

    by harlock13

    I can't wait to see the film

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:20 a.m. CST

    PLANT RACER!

    by typingaway

    Just kidding, it was the 1st thing that came to mind. :)

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:26 a.m. CST

    Please stop talking about wives and kids FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS

    by Slipofthewrist

    We know you guys love your wives, husbands, kids, boyfriends, girlfriends, dogs, cats, hamsters, fish, and that beat up Autobot toy that you know isn't alive but think of as family anyway. We know this, ok. WE GET IT. STOP BRINGING THEM UP. Also if you guys can't tell a viral marketing plant like this by now there is no hope for you. Or can you.....

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:27 a.m. CST

    Can't wait for this flick

    by SpencerTrilby

    and I'm not even a fan of the anime, or the Wachowski Bros. for that matters. It just seems the kind of surreal trip we rarely, if ever, see in mainstream movies. If the writing is tight also it could be great.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:28 a.m. CST

    Like I Give A Steaming Rat Turd

    by Aquatarkusman

    What a summer family movie should be like. Go write for Good Fucking Housekeeping, Cornholed.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:39 a.m. CST

    Toshi says "Fuck You?"

    by Abin Sur

    I'm sure you said BAD TOSHI!Somewhere, Kal-El Cage says "Eat Shit and Die."

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:43 a.m. CST

    BALLZ HOTT

    by Darkwolf9x

    THIS COULD BE GOOODEEE

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:44 a.m. CST

    When Elliot says "penis breath" in Spielberg's E.T.

    by JDanielP

    ...be sure to cover your child's ears. (heh,heh) But I suppose that's an example of a line that needs to stay (for the sake of the film), despite how some parents may feel (about it). Adults just need to take note of a film's rating before taking a child. --When my young son was watching "E.T." the other day, there were moments that I would interrupt and/or skip forward because it was a bit too scary and intense (for a child his age). And I realized...that some things are better left to a time when you feel the child is ready. Who wants to dumb down a movie like E.T. when you could simply wait until the child is old enough? Eventually, he will experience the movie as it was meant to be seen. And isn't that best for everybody? After all, there's nothin' like sittin' at the dinner table when your toddler son points at Aunt Bertha and shouts, "Penis breath!"

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:50 a.m. CST

    HAPPY FAMILIES pls leave em at home

    by quantize

    Yes, please do enjoy them in the comfort of your own home. It's fucking boring to read that gooey shit. Yeh yeh the miracles of life and love.blah blah. Good for you. We come to read about movies.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:55 a.m. CST

    eat rat turd and get lost, speed racer rules!

    by harlock13

    God I never heard such a big loser, nobody wants to hear that crap.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:20 a.m. CST

    Pffffffffst

    by TheBloop

    I thought for a second the title said "speedy buggy", and got excited for a moment. What a let down.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:21 a.m. CST

    Fuck you Panda = G?

    by Redundant23

    Moriarty: If you let your kid say "Fuck you Panda" why the hell are you worried about whether this movie gets a G or not? Seems like Racer X could drop an F bomb and Toshi would be okay, no?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:24 a.m. CST

    There's only One movie that matters is May,

    by Gungan Slayer

    and that's INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. Period. well, and maybe Narnia.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:27 a.m. CST

    Sounds like my wife . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . would be as annoyed w/ Toshi as she is w/ me. "Who give a shit about your stupdid trailers?!?!?!"

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:31 a.m. CST

    Why not post my review for Harold and Kumar 2?

    by knowthyself

    Come read it at www.stephenalix.com AICN doesn't want you to read it for some reason.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:35 a.m. CST

    Gungan Slayer...

    by SpencerTrilby

    no love for Iron Man?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:42 a.m. CST

    Fuck You Panda! New AICN catchphrase

    by DarthBakpao

    If Pandas like to fuck, they wouldn't have been near extinct today

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:46 a.m. CST

    This was off my radar

    by norrinrad

    as I never got into the cartoon when I was younger, but I must admit I'm intrigued now.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:48 a.m. CST

    Fuck you Panda = FUCK YOU HARRY

    by Proman1984

    It all makes sense now

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 8:49 a.m. CST

    Panda Bear Get Eat By BIG Tiger!!!

    by Redfive!

    Tiger say Yumm Yumm to BIG LUNCH.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9 a.m. CST

    "Is the movie perfect? No."

    by Stollentroll

    Good. I was a little worried there. Word on the street is it's the new Citizen Kane.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:04 a.m. CST

    I believe Toshi is trying to say "Kung Fu Panda"

    by JDanielP

    If I'm not mistaken. my son was watching it one Saturday morning.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:05 a.m. CST

    Citizen Kane ain't perfect

    by SpencerTrilby

    lacks color, Bruckmusic and GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS!!!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Everyone's kid is so cute and brilliant....

    by I Dunno

    ....to their parents.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:12 a.m. CST

    I get sick of hearing

    by Thunderbolt Ross

    about people's kids too. It's always the same shit.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:14 a.m. CST

    YOU IDIOTS

    by tme2nsb

    THE BROTHERS ARE STILL MEN. I SAW BOTH OF THEM IN 2005 AND THEY ARE BOTH STILL MEN

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:16 a.m. CST

    ?

    by Automaton Overlord

    When you boil down the plot like that, it reminds me of all those Elvis movies. especially "Spinout". That actualy sounds really good. </p> *when engines warm*************** and she's purrin' sweet********** well,let me warn you, boy********* you're on a one-way street******** she'll crowd you close** and spin your wheels** then you're gonna know how it feels......to spinout** </p> *yeah, spinout*

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:24 a.m. CST

    The effects on the trailer looked ass..

    by Neo Zeed

    They looked like one of those FMV computer games from the early 90's. If the Wachowskis did improve the special effects, then they need to release a new trailer ASAP. Also, I hope the Wachowski's don't start cutting their film because of some silly promise from a year ago to make a G rated movie. The general public doesn't give a shit.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:26 a.m. CST

    Whatever, haters

    by PippinTheJedi

    This movie looks like a ton of fun. It'll be great to have something out that the kids can go see and enjoy, too.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:27 a.m. CST

    Your personal lives interest me not one iota

    by k0natus

    For whose benefit are you writing these tedious anecdotes about your kids? Really? Cut it out already.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:31 a.m. CST

    Maybe the reviewer saw the Be Kind, Rewind version?

    by Spandau Belly

    He talks a lot about it being so unfinished. Maybe Jack Black deleted the original.<br><br>And it's nice to see Mori's boring personal anecdotes laying the final bricks in his tomb of irrelevance. Keep raising that kid on pop culture allusions, they're more important than vegtables.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:43 a.m. CST

    Car racing movies...

    by I AM ROCKO

    ...I don't think I've ever seen a decent one. Pacino's 70's flick Bobby Deerfield (sp?) was dull, and don't get me started on Days of Thunder. I wanted to like the trailer but the garish colours reminded me of Batman and Robin(shudder). The Matrix sequels were a mess too hence my hesitation in getting too excited about this flick...

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:01 a.m. CST

    Proud Dad...!

    by teh ran

    as a father of two kids I have to say there is nothing in the world more boring to other people than talking about your kids. To you they are special/quirky/loveable etc, to everyone else they are just nothing. stop using the website as a platform to talk about your loveable scamp you'll soon become that overbearing guy at parties who everyone avoids because all they do is talk about their kids...!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:05 a.m. CST

    by superduper3000

    Not sure if I'm sold on this one... the second, third Matrix movies just sucked donkey balls HARD (sorry, they did) and I can't believe the first film survived them...but I'll give the old Wach. Bros/Clan another chance just because I need some monkey fixes this summer. Unless you know another place to get my monkey fixes?? <BR> <BR> http://tinyurl.com/2prjg2

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:11 a.m. CST

    Agreed, Agreed

    by FatherMcGruderKicksAssForTheLord

    I could talk about all the funny shit my kids do, but oh wait a minute, you don't give a fuck, right? And rightly so. <p> Also, tme2nsb - not that it has ANYTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THEIR FILMMAKING ABILITY (which I have NO faith in, but nevermind), apparently you've never read the wonderous stories of Lana Waschowski & Buck Angel & so on, let alone seen the pics ... he (Larry) might not be a full transgender, but it's certainly not an entirely baseless rumor.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Harry has forever made this movie stupid

    by ArcadianDS

    with his juvenile, idiotic, and just flat out poorly written review. I wont even repeat what he said not because of its offensive nature, but because it is just so embarrassingly immature to anyone who reads it.<p> And I think this is the 8th time now that we've had a Moriarty article start off with whatever new profanity his child has learned to say - nice household you got there. Any wire hangers around?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:41 a.m. CST

    did your parents abuse you all as kids?

    by THE KNIGHT

    Cocksuckers. His son's relationship with the movie colors his perspective as to how he's going to approach it. Besides, personal is good. The rest of the sites don't go that route.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:42 a.m. CST

    General Public Beware!

    by teh ran

    Parents of Kids have an inherent desire to show off their kids, sometimes I think we should save ourselves the embarrassment and just buy a couple of performing seals (or monkeys) and hang around public places until someone notices that our offspring is doing something cute/funny/unbelievable and we can then reward them with a fish!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:52 a.m. CST

    WHAT?!

    by Forsakyn

    Are you telling me the younger brother flips the bird INSTEAD OF THE CHIMPANZEE? Have not the Wachowskis read EFFECTIVE USAGE OF CHIMPANZES IN FILM 101? For Christ's sake, if you have a chimpanzee in a film, it's fucking obligatory to have the CHIMP GIVE THE BIRD! Even Eastwood understood this. I'm looking forward to this film, but what an oversight on the Wachowskis part. Maybe they can use CGI to fix this.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:53 a.m. CST

    It has a monkey in it!

    by metaluna

    Oh dear. I think the reason Mori started talking about his kids is 'cause this is who this film is aimed at, people whose ages are in single digits and will buy the accompanying merchandise and whatever tie ins McDonalds or whoever use to sell their slop. I'll pass.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:56 a.m. CST

    when it gives us phrases like "fuck you panda"

    by waggy

    i really don't mind hearing stories about mori's kid. geez, some people just look for shit to complain about on here. guess what, harry likes to describe his trip to the theater in his reviews too. oh the horror.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:57 a.m. CST

    At least they got the car right?

    by Make-up Joe

    I was hoping for a retro japanese 60's look. Why does he look like Tron?. Is Racer X shorter than Speed?. Vince Vaughn where are you?.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:11 a.m. CST

    Need a Speed Buggy movie too..

    by Baron Karza

    Love cars with speech impediments.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:15 a.m. CST

    The Family Bragging is Getting on My Nerves Too

    by The Funketeer

    It's the worst kind of "look at how geeky/cool my kid is..." kind of thing. What kind of parent shows his 2 year old the Dark Knight trailer anyway and thinks it's cool that he can impersonate a mass murdering lunatic. The kid's got a whole adult life ahead of him. Let him watch Bob the Builder like every other normal well adjusted kid and he can worry about being "cool" later. Every time you write about your kid, it makes me question your abilities as a parent.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:45 a.m. CST

    The Wachowskis got tired of ripping off anime

    by GodMars

    So they just made it, instead. Brilliant!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:51 a.m. CST

    God, what an awful reviewer

    by Trazadone

    It's such a waste when a person who can't write reviews something we're all kind of interested in. Kinda.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:54 a.m. CST

    Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb

    by Larry_Talbot

    Of The Avengers proportions

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 12:32 p.m. CST

    Nobody cares about your kid...

    by shaneo632

    Quit it with the shitty, pointless anecdotes, please. We get it; you're a nerd, and you have a wife and kid etc. GOOD FOR YOU.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 12:32 p.m. CST

    I can't bring myself to watch a film made by..

    by Toby Wan

    brothers(unless their last name is either Coen of Farrelly), one of which is a nerd and one is a FLAMING cock smoker. It's true.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 12:36 p.m. CST

    Man, we need a Wacky Races movie!!!!

    by loc420

    Fuck Speed Racer, actually the cartoon wasn't that bad but Wachowskis are not going to struck oil like they did with The Matrix,

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 12:39 p.m. CST

    The Griffins are going to New York Ha Ha!

    by chrth

    This has nothing to do with us ha ha!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 12:53 p.m. CST

    I don't give a RAT'S ASS...

    by DeadPanWalking

    ... about the movie as long as the video game is by the people who brought us Burnout. Imagine what that would be like.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 1:22 p.m. CST

    "Is it a perfect movie?"

    by The_Deathticle

    Why does every reviewer feel the need to "qualify" their positive review with "Is it perfect? No. But..."??? Goddamn it, that is irritating.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 1:30 p.m. CST

    One of the worst trailers I have ever seen...

    by Tourist

    ...But doesn't sound too bad from the review.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 1:49 p.m. CST

    Anybody watch Christina Ricci on last nights

    by skimn

    Tonight Show? She related a story during filming, when the chimp freaked during a scene, jumped across the table and latched onto her left boob and hung there. Everyone's attention was focussed elsewhere so there she stood with a monkey hanging from her boob.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST

    And although the PLANT flags came up

    by skimn

    plenty during this review.."I had no intention of liking this movie,blah, blah, blah, but it totally turned me around. It'll change the way we look at cinema..yada yada yada", it did tweak my interest in this, which was nil.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 2:08 p.m. CST

    Podracer the Movie

    by skywalkerfamily

    Sounds like the Phantom menace.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 2:42 p.m. CST

    It would be really cool..

    by Tourist

    ...If the merchandising juggernaut that is Death Note never left asia. Fag pop stars playing emo is a bad thing. But goddamn it, I can see Pete Wentz making his acting debut in this.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 2:46 p.m. CST

    They don't go that route...

    by Tourist

    ...Because the second most irritating thing after having to listen to old people repeat every minute detail of their day to you is having to listen to new parents repeat exactly the same stories as every other new parent with wonderment. Wow, the kid mixes up Kung with Fuck. It's usually truck. Might want to check out a speech pathologist.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 3:13 p.m. CST

    aicn posters hate kids....who knew???

    by bacci40

    to me, every child is a wonderment...and i love when people find the world anew through the eyes of their children...god hasnt blessed me with kids, but i get to watch the world through my nieces and nephews, and yes, they are all brilliant, and funny as hell...but cursing in speed racer??? have the bros lost their minds?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 3:30 p.m. CST

    bacci

    by The Funketeer

    We don't hate kids, we hate hearing Mori gloat about his kid just like we hated it when he name dropped his wife/girlfriend in all his reviews. No one's impressed and no one cares. I have a daughter and I'm an elementary school teacher. I get the whole kid thing but his writing has become a desperate bid for us to pay more attention to him than the "news" he presents.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 3:39 p.m. CST

    Regarding the chimp and Ricci's boob

    by Forsakyn

    I talked to some chimps at the zoo the other day - they happen to know the chimp in Speed Racer - and they told me that he pretended to freak out just so he could grab her boob. It kind of makes me sad - there was a day when chimps were professionals, not perverts. They'd to their take, then whack off until the next scene was ready. But they wouldn't go off grabbing someone's boob!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 3:39 p.m. CST

    Who is this marketed to?

    by Osmosis Jones

    Even the ironic/hipster twentysomething crowd that liked the show back in the early 90's is probably pushing 40 by now, and today's kids won't have the slightest idea who Speed Racer is. I just find it sad that the Wachowskis were supposed to redefine the face of cinematic sci-fi after the first Matrix, and since the implosion of the two sequels, have been reduced to horrible reshoots on The Invasion and now a candy-colored retread of a crappy, 60's anime cartton?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 3:55 p.m. CST

    This movie has a CG Chimp that fires bullets

    by skywalkerfamily

    in a bullet time sequence.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Here He Comes, Here Comes Speed Racer!

    by LaserPants

    I can't wait for this. I really hope its good. I was obsessed with this show when I was 5.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 4:20 p.m. CST

    This has about as much chance at being a hit...

    by poeticwarriorII

    as I do doubling up Jessica Simpson and Monica Bellucci on a bed made of cappuccino chunky chocolate ice cream. This is the next Pluto Nash.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Crappy 60's anime?

    by SpencerTrilby

    you're clueless. Read a book or two about japanimation.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 4:22 p.m. CST

    Osmosis Jones you're right...

    by poeticwarriorII

    The Wachowskis got lucky with the first Matrix. Since then they've been rubbish.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 4:24 p.m. CST

    You can call it whatever you want...

    by poeticwarriorII

    this fucker is still gonna bomb.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 4:30 p.m. CST

    So what ahould we watch instead, poeticwarriorII?

    by EvilGeek1

    I'm not getting in your face, it's just every TB has a hater. I think they're just there for the sake of it.Must be some kind of status symbol. But seriously, if something like Speed Racer doesn't get you even remotely excited or interested, then what's out there for you? I can only assume you're of the geeky persuasion like myself...

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 5:29 p.m. CST

    whats with all the lens flares on steroids

    by JimmyJoe RedSky

    they really stand out in all the stills ive seen

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 5:46 p.m. CST

    How to write a plant review

    by Darkling

    <p>1) “Long time reader, first time reviewer.” Translation: “I’m really one of you guys, not a corporate shill typing this in a cubicle.” <p>2) Unnecessarily detailed information about when and where the film was seen, to establish that you actually did see the movie in question. This section can optionally contain ‘anecdotes’ about what you were doing and how you got to the screening. These make your story more credible. <p>3) “I wasn’t expecting a lot out of this film.” Inevitably leads to 6). <p>4) “I watched the original movie/cartoon/TV show/comic as a child and liked it, but was never a huge fan.” Translation: “I have enough cred to be able to tell fanboys of this property that it’s a faithful adaptation (which I will), but I also provide reassurance that your girlfriend/kid/brother-in-law/dog will be able to enjoy this film. Please take them along.” <p>5) Diss the previous work of the director, screenwriter, etc, if necessary. It’s best to go with the flow of popular opinion in this regard. “Yes, I also hate the Matrix sequels. I’m just like you.” Proceed directly to 6). <p>6) State how you were surprised at how much you enjoyed the film. See 3). <p>7) Discuss how the director and writer really captured what the original movie/cartoon/TV show/comic was about, despite the fact that you claim only to have been a casual fan as a child. See 4). <p>8) Do not embark on a detailed synopsis of the plot. People who know how the movie ends may not want to go see the movie. <p>9) When mentioning the actors in the film, list two or three good films that each of the actors has been in. All excited fanboys are thoughtful enough to do research on IMDB for the benefit of the audience before sending in their reviews. <p>10) Mention how the story actually involved you and drew you in (and your child/girlfriend/dog), how certain characters and relationships were well-drawn, etc. <p>11) As counterpoint to this, make sure you state that there is plenty of action in the movie. Proceed directly to 12). <p>12) Pay specific attention to one or two particular sequences in the film, and wax lyrical about the pacing and impact of said scene, even with unfinished FX. If it seems appropriate, mention that fanboys in the audience were cheering. <p>13) If there has been vocal fan outrage over a certain element in the movie, be sure to address it in some way. Either state how that element plays little to no part in the movie, or describe how the audience actually loved it at the screening you attended. <p>14) Compare the movie to a currently popular movie, or state that the director or actors are back at the top of their game. Mention past glories of said director and actors. See 5). <p>15a) Do not say anything negative about the movie until the third-last paragraph of your review – and even then, find a way to spin it into a positive. <p>15b) Start this paragraph with the words, “Is the movie perfect? No.” This is mandatory. <p>16) Do not criticise anything in the movie that cannot be fixed in post-production. You are free to criticise the pacing of the movie, confusing editing, the special effects and the temp music track. <p>17) State that you can’t wait to see the finished movie, that it has wide appeal, that it’s guaranteed to be a hit, etc. <p>18) “If you use this review, call me _______.” Insert semi-lame pseudonym here, and you’re done.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 5:49 p.m. CST

    Whatever, when will they make ROBOTECH?

    by Drath

    That's the anime 80s show I'd like to see as a movie series.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 5:52 p.m. CST

    Darkling!

    by LaserPants

    Dang man, thats spot on! Good one!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 5:53 p.m. CST

    Robotech Is Coming, Drath

    by LaserPants

    Tobey Maguire's company is producing it.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 6:57 p.m. CST

    Great, GREAT analysis Darkling

    by SpencerTrilby

    The sad part is, I'm pretty sure this recipe has been used by genuine reviewers as well in order to sound more convincing. You can't trust anyone on this site. Whatever. Brilliant job man!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:30 p.m. CST

    It was a screening "for friends and family"?

    by CountryBoy

    Then isn't this reviewer already suspect, as he is a friend/family member of the filmmakers?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 7:39 p.m. CST

    i'm sick of plants

    by Pipple

    Why can't studios just make a really good movie and be honest about its quality instead of hiring their kids or whoever to go online and take on the internet. Yeah I'm still looking forward to speed because it's a crazy idea for a film, and i love the first matrix movie, so there's hope... but stunts like this put a bad mark on the whole thing...

  • It was refreshingly honest. He says he has no idea if it's going to be great, good, or terrible - I respect that.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:12 p.m. CST

    it sounds just ok

    by Mr.Slade

    i think its going to be a tremendous disapointment, it just looks too fucking corny. the Ws are a lot better with adult fare, I think Bound is there best movie

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:33 p.m. CST

    If you think how bad anime look in the 60's and...

    by kirttrik

    ...how great it looks now you have to wonder why American 2-D animation still looks basically the same, if not worse. WTF are we doing wrong?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:41 p.m. CST

    EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND WHILE I GO WATER MY

    by BurgerTime

    plant.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 9:45 p.m. CST

    BTW, DARKLING

    by BurgerTime

    You just wrote the TEN COMMANDMENTS of plant technique. It will be talked about and quoted down through the ages. Well done, sir.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 10:30 p.m. CST

    Another "yea" for Darkling

    by Thunderbolt Ross

    I wasn't going to read your instructions for plant reviews, but I figured what the heck. I was pleasantly surprised to find it pretty darn accurate. Was it perfect? No. But I bet it becomes a classic, and maybe it should.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:01 p.m. CST

    Hate all you want, this movie will be a blast.

    by Quake II

    Spies, ninjas, car races, gunfights.....All in 1 movie NOT directed by Michael Bay. Love or hate the Matrix sequels, the Wachowskis have a good eye for action and the cinematography and editing in their films is top notch. What the fuck else could you ask for?

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:06 p.m. CST

    'I think that this could be a big hit for Warner Bros. this year

    by MaxTheSilent

    Plant!

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:09 p.m. CST

    Been watching the Speed Racer toons lately...

    by Quake II

    ..with my son and Speed Racer is, without a doubt, the most violent animated show I grew up with. There is one episode in particular where Racer X machine guns down about a dozen guards and there is even blood spray coming out of them. No shit. I noticed about 2-5 people die in every Speed Racer episode. Usually by gun or fiery car crash. In fact, by even today's "modern" anything goes standards, a lot of episodes would be edited for violent content if these were shown on network television.

  • Feb. 21, 2008, 11:21 p.m. CST

    Yes, I, too, would like to see INDY JONE.

    by MrMysteryGuest

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 12:02 a.m. CST

    Thanks, everyone.

    by Darkling

    I'm just surprised that no-one thought of doing this before me. I was reading the Speed Racer review and the plant alarms were going off in my head on almost every line. The signs all seem so blatant to me - almost as if the studios are deliberately insulting our intelligence by using the same tired old template over and over again.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 12:10 a.m. CST

    I didn't read the review.

    by Dragulf

    I hope this movie is the biggest turkey in history.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 12:45 a.m. CST

    Children! Life's precious treasure!

    by Dad always talking about his kid

    I was sitting in my room organizing my Star Wars action figure collection and sorting through my many unpublished scripts and novels when my son Millenium Falcon came in and asked what I was doing. He just finished watching Saw 2, so lately he keeps saying "Kwill da bitch!" . It's so adorable. <p> I filled his bottle with some more Mountain Dew and explained to him that Daddy was looking through, well . . . looking through some memories. As I said this a smile came across my face while at the same time Millenium Falcon looked at me with such a sense of loathing and repulsion that I knew in my heart that when he gets older, he'll probably kick the crap out of me.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 12:46 a.m. CST

    Almost forgot my point

    by Dad always talking about his kid

    The movie will suck

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 12:50 a.m. CST

    This movie will rock

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    if you're like 6 years old...

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 1:01 a.m. CST

    A G-force movie would have much more interesting

    by AntoniusBloc

    or Voltron(lions), and a Black Hole movies without STD's

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 1:46 a.m. CST

    Kung Fu = Fuck You

    by DarthBakpao

    From now on, replace "Kung Fu" with "Fuck You" for all movie titles.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 3:12 a.m. CST

    Dad Always Talking About His Kids

    by teh ran

    That was funny..! Before people label me a child hater I have two kids and adore them, it's just lately I've started to notice how people play top trumps with their kids and the cute things they do. I can imagine Mori round at his friends saying 'look my kid's really cute, he'll say f*ck oo panda'...'go on Toshi say f*ck oo panda'...'SAY IT!!'...'He normally does this..hang on'...'say f*ck oo panda'...'SAY IT!!'...'SSSAAAAAAY IIIIITTT!!..'how embarrassing, he does normally say it..honest he does'...cue parental sulk as child fails t live up to hype!

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 3:13 a.m. CST

    Speed Racer is Dead In The Water

    by grievenom

    It reeks bomb. Darkling's post is the best thing to come of this talkback, and a close second is the chastising of Mori for documenting his child's every action and utterance.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 4:43 a.m. CST

    Speed Racer is Dead on Arrival

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    Cause the trailer already sucks royal monkey balls.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 5:41 a.m. CST

    I Hope Its Great And Makes A Gazillion Dollars

    by LaserPants

    All they have to do is keep it in line with the campy insanity of the original show and it should do great with both little kids and nostalgic adults. I don't quite understand all the hate, but suspect that each and every one of the haters will be there opening day, seeing it multiple times a day, all in order to come back here and document, in meticulous detail, exactly why they "hated" it. "Worst movie ever! I'm only going to see it 6 more times... today!"

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 8:17 a.m. CST

    Meh likely bomb / DOA

    by ScottinDC

    While the trailer demonstrates that they captured the color and feel of a cartoon, this movie really does have a significant audience. At best, it will be #1 it's opening weekend then fade fast and be released to DVD 6 weeks later where it will see moderate sales. It's just not an inspired cartoon to bring to life.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Sorry, Ricci had a breat reduction

    by I Dunno

    A sadder day, I've not witnessed.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 8:39 a.m. CST

    breat = breast

    by I Dunno

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 9:28 a.m. CST

    Darkling

    by DocPazuzu

    Absolutely brilliant. I usually find myself so enraged by plants that I can't focus well enough to do much else than call them on things in the review at hand and heap profanity-laden insults upon them. Your calm, cool and scathing analysis is an example to us all. <p> Well played, sir, well played indeed.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 9:35 a.m. CST

    kudos Darkling

    by Lost Jarv

    the nicest, most thorough horticultural job I've seen in ages. <P>Top effort.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 10:27 a.m. CST

    Uh...isn't it obvious that...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    ...Darkling is a plant?!?!<P>;^) Well done, sir.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 10:46 a.m. CST

    Dad always talking about his kid

    by Thunderbolt Ross

    Funny.

  • Feb. 22, 2008, 1:13 p.m. CST

    Can't Wait For This One..

    by Buzz Maverik

    The subject matter. The cast. The filmmakers. Even a Michael Giannchino score!

  • Feb. 23, 2008, 9:59 a.m. CST

    How exactly does a breast reduction performed?

    by DarthBakpao

    Do the doctor cut an ample of tissue or do they suck it out the lipposuction way?

  • Feb. 24, 2008, 7:30 a.m. CST

    Here's a thought

    by zlad

    Moriarty's kid's full name is Toshiro McWeeny. Suddenly, my life doesn't look so bad.

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