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Capone says Anakin is a raging douchebag in JUMPER and anyone else that can teleport... except Kurt Wagner, but he isn't in it!


JUMPER
Hey all. Capone in Chicago here.

If I learned any lessons from this hipster superhero movie JUMPER, it's that discovering that you have the ability to teleport apparently turns you into a raging douchebag. If the story itself sounds vaguely familiar, that's because it's essentially just a boiled-down version of an original tale ripped out of an X-Men comic book. A kid's power manifests itself in his teen years, and he spends his life either stealing what he needs to survive or avoiding those who see him as a genetic abomination and want him dead. Hayden Christensen plays the anomaly David Rice, who has a near-death experience in high school (Max Thieriot plays David as a teenager) that triggers his teleportation power. While his schoolmates all think he's dead, David takes advantage of his newfound gift to pop in and out of bank vaults and take as much cash as he can. OK, so he doesn't exactly do any hero-ing. What he does instead is make himself very rich and a great seducer of women. He hops around the world picking up ladies, while all the while pining over his childhood crush, Millie (who grows up to be Rachel Bilson).

One of the many things that doesn't quite make sense in the plot of JUMPER is that David decides the best time to finally reunite with Millie mere minutes after an attempt on his life is made by Roland (Samuel L. Jackson), a man clearly intent on tracking him down to kill him. So what better way to lay low than go visit an old flame and woo her with a trip to Rome, where he is attacked once again. During a conflict in the Coliseum, Rice meets another "jumper" named Griffin (KING KONG's Jaime Bell), who's an even bigger douchebag than him. Griffin's one redeeming quality is that his sole mission in life is to kill "paladins" (those would be the folks that want to kill jumper; at this point, I might join their ranks).

Christensen and Bell spend the whole movie dancing around each other seeing who can be the biggest dick, and there is absolutely nothing compelling about either one of them. JUMPER isn't so much a movie as it is a sketch of one, and a rough one at that. When David sneaks Millie into the catacombs of the Coliseum after hours, the most she can muster is, "This is amazing." People, once and for all: the word "amazing" has been rendered meaningless by unoriginal writers. Not. Everything. Is. Amazing. The thing that truly surprised me was how weak the direction is here, and it occurred to me that I'm not convinced Doug Liman is a good director. When he's given a good script (SWINGERS; GO; THE BOURNE IDENTITYS), he seems capable; when he's given subpar, he doesn't elevate the material. The Jumper script is co-written by David Goyer (DARK CITY; BATMAN BEGINS; the BLADE trilogy), who is normally a reliable scribe, but something went horribly wrong here. Either the source material novel by Steven Gould is crap, or Goyer just wasn't inspired by it.

I've heard this is actually the first part of a trilogy; the ending certainly sets up another film involving David and his estranged mother (a blah extended cameo by Diane Lane). If so, I'm hoping things improve greatly in the next two parts. They need to, because you have to try real hard to make Samuel L. Jackson boring in a villain role. I wasn't just disappointed by JUMPER; I actively and fervently disliked it.

Capone
I also love watching 3 naked women rub on Harry





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JUMPER FIRST!
by skywalkerfamily
Feb 15th, 2008
02:09:09 AM
I jumped
by AtaxianTheMagnificent
Feb 15th, 2008
02:09:24 AM
Does the headline make any sense to anybody?
by leobloom
Feb 15th, 2008
02:09:39 AM
No surprises here
by CuervoJones
Feb 15th, 2008
02:09:42 AM
Le Lame
by AtaxianTheMagnificent
Feb 15th, 2008
02:09:43 AM
@leobloom
by AtaxianTheMagnificent
Feb 15th, 2008
02:10:47 AM
Anywhere else is possible
by Canada's King
Feb 15th, 2008
02:13:04 AM
Sorry to say this but....
by Kefrif
Feb 15th, 2008
02:16:05 AM
Have you seen "Awake
by AtaxianTheMagnificent
Feb 15th, 2008
02:16:59 AM
If it sucks SL Jackson has to be in it.
by skywalkerfamily
Feb 15th, 2008
02:28:39 AM
Again, allow me to reiterate...
by Billy The Fish
Feb 15th, 2008
02:37:18 AM
Seriously though...
by Billy The Fish
Feb 15th, 2008
02:39:13 AM

by Billy The Fish
Feb 15th, 2008
02:43:38 AM
It's funny how even the trailer
by D o o d
Feb 15th, 2008
03:08:02 AM
Bourne Identities?
by Mister McClane
Feb 15th, 2008
03:22:19 AM

by Elim Garak
Feb 15th, 2008
04:11:56 AM
hayden cannot act
by bacci40
Feb 15th, 2008
04:14:37 AM
Is it just me
by harryjoy44
Feb 15th, 2008
04:18:05 AM
I aint the worst that youve seen.
by Swollen_balls_low_hung_too
Feb 15th, 2008
04:27:09 AM
Shitty Review!
by Crabtree
Feb 15th, 2008
05:16:22 AM
Humper
by Pipple
Feb 15th, 2008
05:29:27 AM
Bacci: I'm beginning to think that Breaking Glass was a fluke to
by Big_Bubbaloola
Feb 15th, 2008
05:32:06 AM
It was OK
by FILMFUNK
Feb 15th, 2008
06:59:17 AM
Told you so last week
by Sex Farm Responds
Feb 15th, 2008
07:13:54 AM
I really liked it
by wazza
Feb 15th, 2008
08:04:52 AM
my review was better than that shit..publish it already..
by couP
Feb 15th, 2008
08:21:44 AM
Total Crap - Blame the REAL Writer
by Annamaria
Feb 15th, 2008
08:25:57 AM
ps
by Annamaria
Feb 15th, 2008
08:28:24 AM
diane lane?
by pikagreg
Feb 15th, 2008
08:31:14 AM
I read Gould's novel a few years ago.
by successor
Feb 15th, 2008
08:49:30 AM
this movie would probably
by Dr. Stanley Goodspeed
Feb 15th, 2008
09:20:50 AM
Hayden...The new Troy Donohue
by darthliquidator
Feb 15th, 2008
09:48:41 AM
the Gould novel
by Jonah Echo
Feb 15th, 2008
10:02:37 AM
I liked Hayden in Shatttered Glass...
by blindambition238
Feb 15th, 2008
10:12:47 AM
Or it was because Shattered Glass was well written, Blind..
by Jonah Echo
Feb 15th, 2008
10:24:18 AM
Worst Screen Couple EVER
by splendido007
Feb 15th, 2008
10:57:49 AM
Wow!!! No "jumped the shark" references?
by StovetopStuffin'
Feb 15th, 2008
11:11:53 AM
Jumper v PredAlien 2: Electric Boogaloo
by MrPetrov
Feb 15th, 2008
12:11:04 PM
Pretty sure the "writer" read Necroscope.
by Sith Angel
Feb 15th, 2008
12:16:17 PM
Capone
by BadMrWonka
Feb 15th, 2008
12:22:23 PM
Smackfu says Capone's headline doesn't make sense
by smackfu
Feb 15th, 2008
12:40:49 PM
Kurt Wagner
by Buffalo500
Feb 15th, 2008
01:09:45 PM
What the fuck is with the title???
by Kid Idioteque
Feb 15th, 2008
01:11:03 PM
Thanks for ruining this for me Capone
by Hoots Mon
Feb 15th, 2008
01:22:13 PM
Buffalo500:Kurt Wagner is Nightcrawler
by Sith Angel
Feb 15th, 2008
01:38:59 PM
It's really not a bad film
by TheLastCleric
Feb 15th, 2008
01:48:58 PM
So they're basically mini Star Trek transporters
by skywalkerfamily
Feb 15th, 2008
01:59:25 PM
Steve Gould's novel kicks ass
by DKT
Feb 15th, 2008
02:00:38 PM
Stephen King liked it!
by skywalkerfamily
Feb 15th, 2008
02:51:18 PM
Capone's the douche, this movie was good
by Drath
Feb 15th, 2008
06:01:27 PM
We can add this to the list
by haggardatbest
Feb 15th, 2008
08:25:19 PM
Just saw it..and it was pretty badass!!
by jojo-pimp
Feb 15th, 2008
09:50:25 PM
It's not a bad movie
by JacksParasites
Feb 15th, 2008
10:41:18 PM
great concept... bad storytelling
by DarthBakpao
Feb 16th, 2008
12:13:07 AM
The Novel's actually very good
by Lobanhaki
Feb 16th, 2008
01:50:27 AM
I really like it
by abovo
Feb 16th, 2008
05:14:49 AM
I really liked it
by abovo
Feb 16th, 2008
05:16:28 AM
SCHNARFF!!!
by idrinkyourmilkshake
Feb 16th, 2008
03:03:00 PM
i predict....
by idrinkyourmilkshake
Feb 16th, 2008
03:13:39 PM
Steven Gould's novel is GOOD!
by Sackratte
Feb 16th, 2008
03:49:26 PM
the writers don't even read their own TB's anymore?
by BadMrWonka
Feb 16th, 2008
04:08:36 PM
Saw it, it's crap
by reflecto
Feb 16th, 2008
05:04:03 PM
Midichlorians are produced in the Douchebag
by rsswope
Feb 16th, 2008
09:58:37 PM
Not so bad
by blahmonkey
Feb 17th, 2008
01:19:46 PM
Jumper, the new Highlander?
by Zeds Dead Baby
Feb 19th, 2008
03:53:12 PM

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