Capone says Anakin is a raging douchebag in JUMPER and anyone else that can teleport... except Kurt Wagner, but he isn't in it!
Hey all. Capone in Chicago here.
If I learned any lessons from this hipster superhero movie JUMPER, it's that discovering that you have the ability to teleport apparently turns you into a raging douchebag. If the story itself sounds vaguely familiar, that's because it's essentially just a boiled-down version of an original tale ripped out of an X-Men comic book. A kid's power manifests itself in his teen years, and he spends his life either stealing what he needs to survive or avoiding those who see him as a genetic abomination and want him dead. Hayden Christensen plays the anomaly David Rice, who has a near-death experience in high school (Max Thieriot plays David as a teenager) that triggers his teleportation power. While his schoolmates all think he's dead, David takes advantage of his newfound gift to pop in and out of bank vaults and take as much cash as he can. OK, so he doesn't exactly do any hero-ing. What he does instead is make himself very rich and a great seducer of women. He hops around the world picking up ladies, while all the while pining over his childhood crush, Millie (who grows up to be Rachel Bilson).
One of the many things that doesn't quite make sense in the plot of JUMPER is that David decides the best time to finally reunite with Millie mere minutes after an attempt on his life is made by Roland (Samuel L. Jackson), a man clearly intent on tracking him down to kill him. So what better way to lay low than go visit an old flame and woo her with a trip to Rome, where he is attacked once again. During a conflict in the Coliseum, Rice meets another "jumper" named Griffin (KING KONG's Jaime Bell), who's an even bigger douchebag than him. Griffin's one redeeming quality is that his sole mission in life is to kill "paladins" (those would be the folks that want to kill jumper; at this point, I might join their ranks).
Christensen and Bell spend the whole movie dancing around each other seeing who can be the biggest dick, and there is absolutely nothing compelling about either one of them. JUMPER isn't so much a movie as it is a sketch of one, and a rough one at that. When David sneaks Millie into the catacombs of the Coliseum after hours, the most she can muster is, "This is amazing." People, once and for all: the word "amazing" has been rendered meaningless by unoriginal writers. Not. Everything. Is. Amazing. The thing that truly surprised me was how weak the direction is here, and it occurred to me that I'm not convinced Doug Liman is a good director. When he's given a good script (SWINGERS; GO; THE BOURNE IDENTITYS), he seems capable; when he's given subpar, he doesn't elevate the material. The Jumper script is co-written by David Goyer (DARK CITY; BATMAN BEGINS; the BLADE trilogy), who is normally a reliable scribe, but something went horribly wrong here. Either the source material novel by Steven Gould is crap, or Goyer just wasn't inspired by it.
I've heard this is actually the first part of a trilogy; the ending certainly sets up another film involving David and his estranged mother (a blah extended cameo by Diane Lane). If so, I'm hoping things improve greatly in the next two parts. They need to, because you have to try real hard to make Samuel L. Jackson boring in a villain role. I wasn't just disappointed by JUMPER; I actively and fervently disliked it.
I also love watching 3 naked women rub on Harry
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Feb. 15, 2008, 2:09 a.m. CST
Wow, a less then stellar review. Too bad Apatow didn't direct it. You guys would be making love to it.
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:09 a.m. CST
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:09 a.m. CST
The movie looks bad.
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:09 a.m. CST
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:10 a.m. CST
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:13 a.m. CST
by Canada's King
Is this the end of Hayden Christensen?
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:16 a.m. CST
Haydn Christenson (or however the hell you spell the gentleman's name) is a weak actor. Like a cardboard cutout. Can't hold a film together on his own and only did it with Star Wars because it was, well, Star Wars. Not at all surprised that this film sucks. Not gonna see it.
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:16 a.m. CST
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:28 a.m. CST
Snakes on a shit.
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:37 a.m. CST
by Billy The Fish
...who's for a slice of Mr. Liman's turkey? Come on, there's cranberry sauce and everything!
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:39 a.m. CST
by Billy The Fish
...why throw money at a derivative turd like this; spending all that time laying down backstory for characters nobody likes when there was already a ready-made market for 'X-Men Origins: Nightcrawler'? Even the Kitty Pryde storyline could've carried a movie better than this!
Feb. 15, 2008, 3:08 a.m. CST
by D o o d
makes this film look rubbish. I think the day of selling a movie on it's effects is over. As for Hayden, he was rubbish in Star Wars and from what I can see of his acting from the trailer, he's rubbish in this too.
Feb. 15, 2008, 3:22 a.m. CST
by Mister McClane
Liman only did the first one Cap, Greengrass did both sequels. And to add to this, I've seen Jumper and it was crap! There are no explanations for anything in the film. Why do the paladins want to kill the jumpers? They're not doing much harm, yet apparently they need to be razed from the planet. Huh? The 88 minute running time suggested to me there is a much bigger film lying on the cutting room floor. Not to say it would be much better, but it might explain things better.
Feb. 15, 2008, 4:14 a.m. CST
breaking glass was a fluke...and i knew from the moment i saw the teaser that this would be shite
Feb. 15, 2008, 4:18 a.m. CST
Or does AICN wait until the AVclub post their reveiw before they decide what they they think of anything. Everyone knows this site is bought and paid for but check their reveiws, they won't go really negative until a more respected site does and then they go all out to score points' that said I havn't seen anything but the trailer but like any sesible person wish nothing but ill wiil on hayden Christensen for his past crimes. Shattered Glass worked but Christedsen still brought the show down and I understand that Lucas's dialogue doesn't leave much room but any one casting a film has to relise that the guy can't act and the same people they try to attract to an opening weekend are the same people who think Christensen is whats wrong with the film industry.Vern rocks though.
Feb. 15, 2008, 4:27 a.m. CST
Oh cant you see what I mean ? Might as well jump. jump ! Go ahead, jump. Might as well jump. jump ! Go ahead, jump. Nanananananaa WWAhahahahah Might as well jump. jump ! Go ahead, jump. Get it and jump. jump ! Go ahead, jump.
Feb. 15, 2008, 5:16 a.m. CST
For Christ's sake... First of all, the script was CO-WRITTEN by Goyer. That means he was (along with the equally cool Jim "Fight Club" Uhls) RE-WRITTEN by the slimy, no-talent Akiva-disciple HACK known as Simon Kinberg. Gee, I wonder why the film is so poorly written. It's only a mystery to Capone, who's clearly the dumbest guy in the room. (He even thinks Doug Liman directed all 3 Bourne films...)
Feb. 15, 2008, 5:29 a.m. CST
Anywhere is fuckable
Feb. 15, 2008, 5:32 a.m. CST
Or was it Shattering Glass?? Meh, either way he sleepwalks thru this. Saw it yesterday and it is bland as all hell! Oooh we're paladins, we need to kill you because only God should have the power ..... and that's our entire motivation! What?!?! Oh and we'll kill all your family as well, coz we feel like it! Now i'm all for films letting you fill in the gaps and making you think, but come on! A little more back story and plot wouldn't hurt. The jumping effects were kinda cool though. But how their gonna make a trilogy outta this is anyones guess, it'll do ok at the BO, but then probably die a quiet death ..... hopefully.
Feb. 15, 2008, 6:59 a.m. CST
Way too short for it's own good and faded out just as it was getting interesting by leaving ALL the major characters hanging for the obvious sequels. Haden was nothing special but Jamie Bellend was annoying as hell but seemed to be pleasing the packed teen audience we watched it with whenever he showed up and delivered a smug quip! ANyway, disapointing as FIlms go, Ok for a Saturday movie kind of romp with some interesting ideas but I hope there's an extended cut because the theatrical release made me angry i'd paid so much to see so little!
Feb. 15, 2008, 7:13 a.m. CST
by Sex Farm Responds
Glad to have got in there first with the douchebag comment :)
Feb. 15, 2008, 8:04 a.m. CST
Wasn't expecting much cause of the reviews and i agree it was shallow but nice eye candy.
Feb. 15, 2008, 8:21 a.m. CST
First thought; the letdown of Spider-man 3 on a smaller scale.<br /><br /> The damn thing started 15 min late and the only trailer shown was Meet the Spartans...I think enough abuse has been hurled towards that on the site. Anyway, I read the other Jumper review from Sex Farm or whatever, and I for one thought the trailer was cool as hell. Unfortunately (as I was somewhat dreading), the movie did not live up to that fkn cool trailer. Very mild spoilers await...<br /><br /> So it starts off with Hayden Christensen's childhood - bad family dynamic, first "jump", mastering the craft, abusing the craft, etc, with no explanation of how it was acquired; just a lucky guy I guess. Then Samuel L. Jackson comes along, working for some organisation that thinks "only God should be everywhere at once" or some rubbish like that, and so they want to kill whoever jumps. He then meets Jumper #2 with a funky english accent who says he's at war with Samuel L. Jackson and Co., and Rachel Bilson is his childhood sweetheart rediscovered who falls into peril. I just summed up the trailer, and basically the movie.<br /><br /> It's all a muddle really, and 90 minutes left them with no time to delve into any REAL reasoning behind why anything in the story was even happening. *****SPOILER*****especially the shit with his mum. such a useless explanation*****END SPOILER*****<br /><br /> The jumping never got old for me, and looked damn cool throughout the movie, especially when coupled with the fight scenes, of which there were a few nifty ones. The clichés really ruined it for me though. The whole "scene at beginning mirrored at the end" BS and the *insert person every 5 minutes with shocked expression after witnessing/being involved in a jump* shit me to no end. Sam Jackson put up a good villainous effort, but all in all, I think it could have been made a lot darker, because the premise is a decent one, but it was a letdown. Probably a good thing I hadn't read the book either, as that would have bumped up the letdown a crapload more.
Feb. 15, 2008, 8:25 a.m. CST
Crabtree essentially said it above, but yes, I most certainly blame SIMON *I DESTROYED X3* KINBERG
Feb. 15, 2008, 8:28 a.m. CST
I went to the premiere at the Ziegfeld and he was there sucking up all the attention in the lobby, people were worshipping at his feet. As much as I was dying to run up to the guy to bitch him out for X3, I decided I'd rather keep mum as to not put my future career in jeopardy than suck his balls.
Feb. 15, 2008, 8:31 a.m. CST
Feb. 15, 2008, 8:49 a.m. CST
<p>And it was actually pretty good. It explored what it might actually be like to be able to teleport and paid homage to earlier teleportation works such as Alfred Bester's <i>The Stars My Destination</i>. And Davy Rice wasn't a douchebag in the novel. Instead he was portrayed as a scared, abused kid who used his powers to escape from a bad home life and give himself an edge.</p> <p>From the sound of the description, they added this Paladin concept in and the idea of hunting the teleporters, because I don't remember it from the original book. In any case, I'd recommend checking out the original book and the sequel, <i>Reflex</i>.</p> <p>Also, how do you do spoiler tags on this board, so you have to highlight text to read it? I was going to post a few spoilers, but I couldn't figure out how to hide the text. Thanks.</p>
Feb. 15, 2008, 9:20 a.m. CST
by Dr. Stanley Goodspeed
be a little better if they cast sean william scott... at least he can pull the d-bag attitude off without batting an eye. hayden always looks like he has to take a dump. i think i'd rather watch stifler with jumper powers... when i watch this on HBO in a year.
Feb. 15, 2008, 9:48 a.m. CST
He's a walking piece of nostalgia ...a throwback to the talent-free wooden contract players who populated Warner Bros.tv shows in the '60's...(Troy Donohue, Ty Hardin, Roger Smith, Ed "Kookie" Byrnes) Question is - how many more big movies will this stiff ruin before he's finally exiled to sci-fi channel movies and direct-to-DVDs?
Feb. 15, 2008, 10:02 a.m. CST
by Jonah Echo
Yes, the novel of Jumper was very good and though I haven't seen this movie(planned on it, but the reviews have been almost entirely negative everywhere)it doesn't sound very faithful to the book. As successor said, Rice in the novel is actually an interesting character whose past and situation made "jumping" the ideal ability for him, as he was always running away. The Paladins are also not really an aspect of the original novel. Its strange to me when you have good source material, to throw it out and go this direction. Why bother at all? My guess would be if you want your fx fix this weekend, see Spiderwick. Having checked that out already, I can vouch for it and its visuals are pretty cool. My wife and I were planning to go to the theater, so we might check out In Bruges and leave this for dvd. <p>
Feb. 15, 2008, 10:12 a.m. CST
but even then I know it was mainly a fluke based on the fact that his character was supposed to come off as unconfident, fake, and whiny.
Feb. 15, 2008, 10:24 a.m. CST
by Jonah Echo
I agree that Christensen doesnt seem to be able to elevate a bad script the way others can, but realistically I think one of the real problems is he just hasn't picked good scripts. It seems like the script for Jumper is vague and poorly characterized, with Rice being a "douche" long before Hayden got to it. Life as A House was pathetic with a ludicrous character that few could have done much with. Star Wars, well, great actors have done much with Lucas' dialogue, and Christensen isn't a great actor but he seemed to get a decent bit of it right in the final film, only faltering when the script got downright absurd-If you aren't with me, you are my enemy!' Get a new agent Hayden and try to find a role that will force you out of the comfort zone. Don't look for another discontent petulant youth with a dysfuntional childhood. Move on. That horse is dead and beaten.
Feb. 15, 2008, 10:57 a.m. CST
God knows why FOX wanted to replace the original actors with those two turds, Christensen and Bilson. I watched it. Painful. Hard to know who was the worst of them. I think, on balance, that dubious accolade goes to Rachel Bilson. She was just DREADFUL. The critics were kind to her by mostly not even mentioning she was in the film!! Those that did referred to her performance as "vapid", "bland", "wooden". PLEASE BILSON GO BACK TO WHAT YOU KNOW BEST CW TELEVISION AWAITS.
Feb. 15, 2008, 11:11 a.m. CST
I would have thought that one would have popped up here by now.
Feb. 15, 2008, 12:11 p.m. CST
You know you want to see it!
Feb. 15, 2008, 12:16 p.m. CST
by Sith Angel
Anyone who knows the saga of Harry Keough from Brian Lumley's Necroscope series knows what I'm talking about. I'm almost certain the "writer" of the book read the series and "borrowed" Lumley's ideas...just like Dean Devlin robbed him with Stargate. Read Necroscope: The Source, and you tell me where Devlin got his ideas.
Feb. 15, 2008, 12:22 p.m. CST
thanks for the review, I was on the fence about this one, and this convinced me to wait for DVD probably...<p>but brother, you have to remember that just because a movie is bad, does not mean you don't need a spoiler box around the review if you give away a huge plot point from the end (hell, you even gave away the actress doing the cameo!)<p>you could at least give us a heads up in the text, you know? that always irks me a little bit. even bad movies don't deserve to get spoiled.
Feb. 15, 2008, 12:40 p.m. CST
Feb. 15, 2008, 1:09 p.m. CST
is the Kurt Wagner mentioned in the heading the guy from Lambchop, and if it is then why is he mentioned in relation to teleporting?
Feb. 15, 2008, 1:11 p.m. CST
I read it like 5 times and now I have a fucking headache. Dammit. I still might see this because I hate myself.
Feb. 15, 2008, 1:38 p.m. CST
by Sith Angel
from the X-Men comics and movies.
Feb. 15, 2008, 1:48 p.m. CST
Had they taken the time to flesh out the characters and expand the running time it could have been a great film. As it stands it's an average movie with some plotholes, some very underdeveloped characters and motivations, and some solid action scenes. I didn't hate it and personally lamented that it could have have been much more. It really does feel like a novel that was heavily stripped of some critical components.
Feb. 15, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST
Feb. 15, 2008, 2 p.m. CST
Actually, there are no Paladdins or even Griffin in his novel Jumper. It sounds like quite a bit's been changed, which I guess was obvious from watching the previews, but I still hoped it would be fun. Hrm. Too bad, becaue Gould's a really nice guy. I was hoping this would work out.
Feb. 15, 2008, 2:51 p.m. CST
His name is on the poster!
Feb. 15, 2008, 6:01 p.m. CST
It's not great, it feels like a pilot to a TV show more than a movie because so much is left hanging--but it kept me interested and left me wanting more. Jamie Bell stole every scene he was in. The critics are so full of shit they're almost orgasmic as they unload on this movie and it's rediculous. I assume they've been waiting to trash Liman for making the awful Mr and Mrs Smith after all owning with the Bourne Identity, but I think sometimes critics just like to be bitches. Capone being an exception of course, he's just angry for other reasons I'm sure.
Feb. 15, 2008, 8:25 p.m. CST
of movies I will never see. Right now "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" is at the top.
Feb. 15, 2008, 9:50 p.m. CST
Plot holes....of course...but all in all...great special effects...good action scenes, some good humour. I'll buy it when it comes out on DVD..and i definately hope they do a sequel.
Feb. 15, 2008, 10:41 p.m. CST
I was a little disappointed with it, but not much. Now I missed the beginning, everything before the title "Jumper" appears (couldn't have amounted to more than 5 minutes) but the movie was short...really short. Ten minutes before the end, the climactic battle begins and I thought my internet bootleg cut off the last chunk of the movie. It didn't. The climax was about 7-8 minutes followed by 2-3 minutes of resolution. Also, while the "temporary" defeat of the villain was kinda cool, it's A. the very first solution anybody would have thought of (Well actually the 2nd. The 1st would be Hiro's solution to Adam in Heroes), B. the solution is spoiled in the trailers of the movie, and C. the solution is not nearly satisfying as the end of the final battle should be. But also, Capone misses the point. The character is supposed to be completely self-involved, indifferent to those in trouble who could use his help, refusing the call to adventure, and an utter asshole at the start of the journey. If he started as a hero, there'd be no journey and the movie would be 5 minutes long. Most screenplays are about a character's reaction to a major conflict or life-changing event. In most action and thriller films the hero is reactive - the villain is the character who starts the story rolling. The antagonist creates the situation that the protagonist must deal with. In this film, David is just going about his business doing what anyone his age with that power and who's lived his whole life without much parental supervision would do, live a life of total excess without any job or challenges or friends or relationships where he's too lazy to even walk to the refrigerator to get something to drink; he just jumps to the fridge, grabs what he wants and jumps back to his seat. The point is he's without any care in the world. He doesn't even hesitate for a moment to consider rescuing people in trouble who he easily could rescue. He's a passive character who just becomes a reactive character at first when the Paladins interrupt his life of excess. But ultimately, after going on the journey and meeting some douche with the same powers who's even more closed off to the world than himself, even more selfish and more careless than himself, along with David just being pushed too far, David acts instead of reacting and chooses to risk his own life by confronting the Paladins to save Milli. By the end of the movie, has David become Spiderman, living the life of a superhero every day? No. But he's saved some lives when he didn't have to; I'd call that heroic. And he did at one point suggest to Griffin that they form a superhero team, which shows that its' on his mind. He's on the path to becoming a superhero but he's not there yet. And there are still fanatical villains out there who are willing to harm anyone who gets in the way of their faith-based agenda--that's never a good thing. So while I wish the stakes were raised significantly in this movie to where David could have saved the world or at least thousands or millions of lives in some bigger Paladin scheme, I definitely get a sense that that bigger story will be forthcoming. The only thing that disappoints me about the movie is that the stakes weren't high enough, the film was too short, and as a result, the climactic battle was too short.
Feb. 16, 2008, 12:13 a.m. CST
and it proves that Hayden Christensen can't act... even worst than Keanu Reeves
Feb. 16, 2008, 1:50 a.m. CST
Trouble is, people seem to have this need to shoehorn melodrama and overly elaborate effects into everything.
Feb. 16, 2008, 5:14 a.m. CST
I read several bad reviews but went anyway. If Cloverfield taught me one thing, it was that you can trust all the reviews, because it sucked. Anyway, I hope they make a Jumper sequel.
Feb. 16, 2008, 5:16 a.m. CST
I read several bad reviews but went anyway. If Cloverfield taught me one thing, it was that you CAN'T trust all the reviews, because it sucked. Anyway, I hope they make a Jumper sequel.
Feb. 16, 2008, 3:03 p.m. CST
I saw the movie last night with friends-and after reading this reivew and another disparaging review-i thought the move would tank...HOWEVER, ir didn't, it seriously rocked.Mianly, I saw it cuz Liman directed it (and i find Swingers, GO and Bourne Identity GREAT movies)...and well...the film was better than i thought it'd be.It's non-stop in terms of pace and action, and the special effects ARE very cool.Id def. see a sequel...and i must admit Im dissa[pointed in Capone's review-and if you want to be entertained...go see it.
Feb. 16, 2008, 3:13 p.m. CST
it has 22-30 million dollar opening weekend.it deserves MORE...but it's getting alot of bad reviews.And of you watch it, going inot it ,thinknig it WILL be a trilogy-the stuff they leave out...doesnt matter.It leaves room to FULLY explain the paladins in part 2 and such.
Feb. 16, 2008, 3:49 p.m. CST
I'm a huge fan of the original novel. The book is really good because the novel tells the story of David, a boy who discovers he can teleport. And the best part: NO other jumpers and NO paladins! So this movie has nothing to do with the original story. Everyone who don't like the movie should read the novel so he can see what a great story didn't make it to the big screen. Shame on Hollywood!
Feb. 16, 2008, 4:08 p.m. CST
and the spoiler box just seems to be a random occurrence...
Feb. 16, 2008, 5:04 p.m. CST
Absolute crap. And who the hell under 50 is named "Millie"?
Feb. 16, 2008, 9:58 p.m. CST
According to my biology teacher, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth.
Feb. 17, 2008, 1:19 p.m. CST
OK, looks like I am the only one who liked this movie. It might be because I'm gay and Hayden is just such incredible eye candy. But honestly, I would certainly give him a 7/10 for acting. I don't know what people expect, Robert DeNiro or something? I found Jamie Bell's character much more annoying, and that chick. Anyway, surely a whole lot more fun than any of Hayden's star wars films?
Feb. 19, 2008, 3:53 p.m. CST
by Zeds Dead Baby
I can get into that. Superheroes in plain clothes is accessible to us sloven, un-fashionable folk.
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