Hola all. Massawyrm here.

Sylvester Stallone is my fucking hero. Not in that boyhood, 13 year old way. No. Oh sure, he was that hero to me once. But he's my hero now for a completely different reason. You see, Stallone has figured out how to do what we've been asking of our artists for more than a decade now. He's figured out how to let our heroes grow up with us.

It's hard to find a more Iconic representation of the 80's than John Rambo. So entirely a product of his time, he managed to embody both everything we hated about the Vietnam War as well as our well-programmed rage against the Red Menace. Seeing this the other day at the Drafthouse (especially as it was preceded by an episode of the cartoon) really helped put this into perspective for me. I mean, I couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 years old when I had my 12" Rambo and Col. Trautman action figures, which at the time were about as fucking awesome as you got. I was thinking about that and the hours I spent in my backyard sending Rambo on a series of increasingly tougher gook-killing missions for Mom, Dad and Apple Pie, armed with only a knife, a bow and the biggest fucking machine gun you've ever seen…when it struck me. In retrospect, maybe the doll of a damaged, homicidal Vietnam War vet was the last fucking thing a 10-year-old boy should be playing with. Let along idolizing.

But that was the 80's for you. And John Rambo was a Right Wing Superhero – the commie killing, blunt instrument wielded by a near godlike Richard fucking Crenna. And we loved him for it. So here we are. 2008. How the fuck do you bring a character like that back from the self imposed exile of a crappy final movie? How do you take the relic of a war too far removed for an entire generation to really envision, one who fought against a menace that no longer exists, and tell anything resembling an interesting story that doesn't just come across as a joke. I mean, for a moment let's ignore the fact that Stallone is over 60. How do you resurrect a character who has been so satirized, so ingrained into the pop culture, that the mere mention of another film cocks eyebrows.

I mean, you might as well tell people that White Snake is getting back together. And that they're gonna RAWK!

But despite this enormous hurdle, Stallone brings it in. And he gives us John Rambo back. And that's why he's my fucking hero.

This is the John Rambo you remember. Not the greased up, super-toned, greek god in a red bandana. No. This is the First Blood John Rambo. The fucked up vet with demons clawing their way out of every inch of his body. Oh, he still kills a holy hell of a lot of people with all the panache that we saw in part 2. And yes, the violence even gets downright silly at a few points. But there is one scene, a strong, eloquent pivotal moment in which Rambo acknowledges that the man he was, the man we worshipped as an action god, was wrong. That he was fucked right the hell up. That he isn't someone to be admired. And armed with that knowledge, he sets out to unleash that monster one more time for the sake of someone else.

And the carnage is incredible. Chests explode. Landmines rain bloody chunks and buckets of blood time and again. Bullets take the tops of peoples heads clean off – when they're not taking the head off entirely. You want a bloody Rambo movie? Here it is. The final 20 minutes of this are so splat-erriffic, so edge of your seat awesome, that it takes you right back to the glory that was John Rambo. This is everything you loved about that era and that character freshened up for modern audiences.

Rambo is a perfect amalgam of the Pathos of First Blood and the self-indulgent carnage of Rambo First Blood Part 2. If you have any kind of love for these movies, this will tickle your balls right straight up the middle. Sylvester Stallone will give you Rambo back. And let you say goodbye. Because really, that was the point of Rocky Balboa and that's the point here. These are so much further attempts to milk a dry tit as they are offerings to the fans to allow them one last hurrah with the heroes they grew up with. Rocky V and Rambo III were far from stellar offerings. And until now, these were how our heroes went out. Not any more. Now they get to go out in the blaze of glory such iconic figures deserve. Now their stories, their mythologies, are complete.

And that's why Stallone is my fucking hero. He had the balls to bring his characters back, but do so with the respect they deserve. Rather than some vain attempt at defying the ravages of time, he instead gives in to them. He did what other action heroes have refused to do. He grew old gracefully. He acknowledges that these heroes have seen their last adventures. So he pulls the car right up to the curb and motions you in for one last ride with them. Then he pats you on the back, thanks you for being a fan and rides off into the sunset.

That's Rambo. If that final goodbye sounds like your kind of thing, then brother, buy a ticket and get ready for one hell of a fun hour and a half.

But what if, and I'm just spitballing here, what if you're not really much of a Rambo fan? What if you found Part 2 silly and agreed with the concesus about Stallone's multiple Razzie nominated performances? Well then, friend – Stay. The fuck. Away. This movie is soooooo not for you. There's no attempt made here to create a new fanbase. This isn't a character reinvention. This is a love letter. A love letter to both a classic character and to the fanbase that loves him. If you aren't down with Rambo, this sure as hell ain't gonna convince you.

Don't even get me started on how little plot there is to this thing. Yeah, sure, this time he's after peaceful missionaries. But he's still in Southeast Asia, he's still freeing prisoners from a camp, and it still ends in an unbelievable display of violence. If you can't sign on for that, then this will not make you a convert.

But if all of that sounds like everything you want from a Rambo movie, then god bless you , son. You're one of us. And this shit is gonna do that thing to your balls I was talking about earlier. Right up the middle. Needless to say, Rambo comes highly recommended to fans of the series and Strongly Cautioned Against for those who are not.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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