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A Big Bloody Pile Of RAMBO Reviews!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. People are seeing it all over the place now, and it looks like we’re starting to hear the same basic thing over and over, and I’m not shocked at all. Check this out:

Yes, I have also seen Rambo just like you Harry. (BTW I will have some spoilers) First off, let me say that it was fucking awesome, so fucking awesome there were many of those holy shit moments in the movie. I have to say that the first scene of the movie really sets things up though, it basically shows you to your face that this is no fucking watered down pg-13 shit. It says that if your pussy leave now, because this is fucking Rambo and Veggietales is across the hall for all of you pussies. Anyway, back to the movie. Yes, I must agree that the first part started off slow, but it was really necessary to show what pricks these fuckers were. In the beginning though, Rambo does sell snakes to make a living and these 5 good hearted people want to go and change the world for peace and all the other hippy shit. Rambo tells them no, but you know that he wants to fuck the living shit out of Sara, so he agrees and while they are traveling up the stream, they almost get captured by the mercenaries. Rambo shoots all of those fuckers and then one of the hippies, tells Rambo off by saying that he shouldn't kill, because he is taking away an innocent life or some bullshit like that. Rambo just grabs him and tells him off Rambo style, but the dude is still a fucking douche even when Rambo spares him. Anyway though, as the movie goes on the hippies get captured after Rambo warns them and the mercenaries go total fucknuts crazy on the village they were helping. They get captured and the merc's treat them like shit or one of Mike Tyson's prostitutes. The movie goes on and a Rambo gives in to helping them after a priest comes in and asks. He says they have some mercenaries of their own waiting in the boat (only 5 or 6, which is a great way to kill thousands, am i right?). By the way though, this movie finally got something right in movies, they have a redneck mercenary, but only 1 so don't get too excited. The movie goes on and everything kicks into fucking awesome mode, where limbs, heads, and everything you can imagined gets shattered to shit like mexican food to an empty stomach. The ending is just plain fucking awesome, I will not spill any details though, as there are not enough words that can describe it's awesomeness. Anyway though, the movie was great, I thought it was better then Live Free or Sell Out and become pg-13. Stallone, thank you because it is pure greatness and it's almost like Chuck Norris, in fact there should be a movie with Rambo vs. Chuck Norris. Stallone OWNS, end of story. P.S., not a plant, also, January is a really good month for movies, i might add, even though the shitty Meet The Spartans comes out, go see Rambo instead, bootleg a copy of Meet The Spartans. If you use this, call me D.Plainview16

I think the thing that people are going to respond to the most with RAMBO is the way it unapologetically spills some fucking blood. It is glorious because it doesn’t pretend to be something else. It is a bloody action film. And if that’s what you want, you may respond the way this guy did...

Hey Moriarty, Firebaum here with an awesome review for you! This is how it went down... 11:00am - I check my email at work. I get invited to a 1:30 screening of RAMBO. 11:01am - Told my boss I wasn't feeling well and needed to go home. 11:05am - Feigning sickness I shuffled out of the office, hit the sidewalk, and bolted to the theater. 1:30am - Took my seat. Lights went down. RAMBO began. Mind was blown. Let me start by saying this review may be a little biased because I am a big fan of the 'BO, so as long as Stallone was shredding fools in classic Rambo fashion, I was going to be satisfied. And I was. In my opinion this movie is the best of the series next to First Blood. It is more similar to First Blood in it's tone. I felt like Rambo 2 and 3 were more campy-action (fun as they were), but this one didn't really have any of that (No "I'm your worst nightmare" one-liners). In fact a good deal of the movie was treated with a level of seriousness that the others didn't have. For one it's a hard R. The violence in it is pretty graphic, and they don't shy away from showing how nasty these Burmese soldiers can be. During a couple sequences of the Burmese soldiers at their worst I could audibly hear audience members gasping. It was almost, dare I say it, Private Ryan levels of disturbing realism that made me wince more than a few times. But don't get me wrong, the violence was effective, and it made you reaaaaaaally want to see Rambo exact some justice. And boy, does he ever! The story is quite simple. An American church group on a goodwill mission try to enlist the help of John Rambo to take them up river into the jungles of Burma in his boat. Rambo repeatedly tells them they won't stand a chance, but they finally convince him. Of course, as you might imagine, the church group doesn't stand a chance and it is soon up to Rambo to save them. The simplicity of the plot allowed a lot of screen time for Rambo to kill people, which is what I wanted. The church group characters were interesting. The main one was Michael (played by Paul Schulze) a good hearted but stupidly naive guy who challenges Rambo for not being more active in helping their cause (to which Rambo responds "Fuck the world.") and for killing Burmese pirates while defending him and the rest of his group. Michael and the rest of the church group are presented as fools despite their good intentions. It almost seems like Stallone wanted us to dislike them and I was fine with that. Rambo doesn't want to save them because he gives a rip about them or their cause. He wants to save them because it gives him a reason to kill. Up until the bullets start flying you get the feeling that Rambo is just waiting to kill somebody. Even in the beginning when things are quiet, beneath Rambo's calm demeanor his soul is not at peace. Deep down he is restless, he is a machine that wants to prove he isn't obsolete. I feel like it mirrors Stallone himself in some ways, an action hero from an age when heroes had huge biceps and dispatched bad guys with sheer power, still trying to prove he's got it. And he does. In addition to the church group characters, Rambo teams up with some mercenaries who were fucking awesome! Well not all of them, just the main one named Lewis (played brilliantly by Graham McTavish). Lewis is played like a british soccer hooligan with an automatic weapon. You gotta love a guy who calls his enemy a "fucking lady-boy cunt". The mercenaries were like baby Rambo's and I almost wish they had more of them because they were such colorful characters. Which brings me to my one big complaint: The movie seems too short! At 90 minutes it's not terribly epic. So that's about all I can say about Rambo without giving any real plot points or spoilers away. The cinematography was cool, the music score was great (loved that they continued to use the Jerry Goldsmith score), but mostly it was good to see my old buddy John back on the screen tearing people's throats out! On a seperate note, a trailer ran before the film for a new Clive Barker movie called "Midnight Meat Train". I like Clive Barker but the guy has to come up with a title that doesn't sound like a second-rate skin flick. -Firebaum

I’m curious to see how well they sell MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN to the uninitiated. It’s one of the cornerstone stories in Clive Barker’s body of work, one of the most notorious and well-known of the BOOKS OF BLOOD. It’s not torture porn by any stretch of the imagination, but then again... what do you call the fetish imagery of HELLRAISER at this late date? That movie’s all about sex and blood and pain and horror, and the chains and the spikes and the leather... I mean, it’s not really a stretch to see that as torture play. It’s a really simple concept, and they should be able to cut a great trailer. Sorry to digress. Another RAMBO review! Now!

Fellas, I cannot thank you guys enough that on an almost serendipitous occurrence you happened to schedule the advance screening of RAMBO the same day we'd hear the news that Heath Ledger passed away. I walked in to the screening somber, and cold from the outside wait, and wasn't fully anticipating the experience like I was earlier in the day before I heard the sad news. I was in the mindset that the news was going to poison the experience, because I had been distracted all day regardless of what I was thinking about, or doing. However, this film was exactly what the doctor ordered to deal with the passing of Heath Ledger. This film is a masterpiece of fuckin' mayhem that I, nor anyone else that I can imagine would have ever dreamed of. You ever watch those serious survival films, like THE KILLING FIELDS and HOTEL RWANDA, and you see these horrible and vile human beings committing these heinous acts of violence against innocent people, and just think to yourself "someone needs to come by and rip this guy's face right off his skull....slowly"? Well, beg no more, because Sly heard you and he's going to make all your wishes and dreams of sinful vengeance and satisfaction come true. He's "gonna give you a war you won't believe." The Rambo saga picks up about 20 years after we last saw Rambo in Soviet territory siding with the Afghan rebels to rescue his old superior, Col. Troutman. Rambo now resides on the outskirts of Burma, where he's distanced from the world's longest running Civil War, but not too far that he feels uncomfortable in a completely peaceful environment. He spends his days now capturing deadly snakes to sell, bow-and-arrow fishing, and fine tuning his skills as a blacksmith. That is until his days of solitude are interrupted by a group of American volunteer workers looking to lend a hand to the impoverished people of Burma, and they need Rambo's assistance to get to the village. Eventually, Rambo is convinced to help and defies his better judgment, thanks in large part to his soft spot for women with ambition, and he helps them all get to the village. Once he leaves the Burmese military comes to wreck the parade, annihilates the village and villagers, and takes the Americans captive. Rambo's survival and combat skills are once again in dire need. The one initially surprising element of this film is Stallone's treatment of the Burmese horrors, because it is raw and completely unflinching. The comparisons earlier to films like THE KILLING FIELDS weren't hyperbole, Stallone holds back absolutely nothing in regards to the massacre material. Nobody is safe, not the women, children, nor animals and when he shows the monstrosities he makes every effort to make it seem as real, and as shocking as possible. It's the perfect kind of setup to Rambo's vindication later, and we just have to wait and see if he puts the men in the world of hurt that we feel they deserve. As the film progresses and the stakes are raised when the Americans are captured we find out that a world of hurt is precisely what Rambo has in mind. The last 30 or so minutes of the film is a pure adrenoline rush, and Rambo goes on the kind of rampage that most American audiences are not used to seeing. I'm talking mountains of bodies of guys that have been splattered, sprayed, dismembered, decapitated, dethroated, exploded, severed, and any other adjective you can come up with to describe someone dying in very unpeaceful ways. He takes the R-Rating to its absolute limits, and I'm completely shocked that it got one. He seriously grabs that letter by the throat and squeezes every ounce of allowable material that he can from it. If you felt satisfied by the hard R from 300, you really have no idea what's in store for you. If it wasn't for the heavy-hearted material shown earlier in the film of what kind of monsters the Burmese military really are then the splatterfest to come later on would've come across as 100% over the top and unnecesarily gratuitous. However, because of our own desire to see the men die horribly, Sly's approach to the violence is welcomed with open arms. This is what we wanted, whether we feel happy about it or not. This film puts on display the id of a vengeful soldier, and even the passive people in the audience may find it difficult not to at least quietly cheer as Rambo goes on a tear. This is really the perfect film to truly test the mindset of the kind of person that feels violence is never the answer, and that it solves absolutely nothing. One could sit and talk about the moral questions that lurk through the action from time to time during the movie, but quite honestly nobody is going to remember them. You've seen them in the trailer, and that's all there is. They're visibly in the distance when you recall back on the film because of how graphic the rest of the film is. This is the kind of action/war film you might've seen coming from the Paul Verhoeven in the late 80s through the 90s, but not from Sly. This is probably the first time I'd say that the director didn't make the film, the character did. John Rambo made this picture, not Sly because this level of surprise and shock could only come from the most iconically disturbed Vietnam vet that cinema has introduced us to. Thanks, The Beef

And another guy from the Alamo screening, which sounds like it was insane:

Hey Harry, GAH! here. I was at the Rambo screening at the Alamo Village and all I really have to say is: Holy fucking fuck, Rambo! While this won't be spoiler free, I'll still keep it any spoilers fairly vague. This movie was stupefying. It left me shattered and drooling in a fetal ball sucking on my thumb. At some point the helpful Alamo staff came along, gave me some water and offered to call my mother. This movie destroyed my expectations, and then destroyed me. Let me qualify this. I love "First Blood." It is a brilliant movie, but it's not an action movie. It's a monster movie, where John Rambo is the monster. Think about it. It has all the hallmarks of the classic monster movie. The small town. The inept police force that makes things worse instead of better. The expert that knows what makes the monster tick and may be the only hope in stopping it... But as much as I love the first, Rambo: First Blood Part Two and Rambo III were never anything more to me than passable rah rah boom action movies with a slightly overt political overtones. They had some good kills and some fun action sequences, but honestly... They were dragged down by a lot of stuff that was a little boring. Over all, they were far from cinematic classics and never lived up to the potential or the spirit of the first movie. And this movie reconciles that. Rambo is fucking scary. He has less than twenty lines in the entire movie. He doesn't smile, he doesn't smirk. There is no joy for John Rambo. He is cold and distant and a fucking machine when it comes to doing what needs to be done. He let go of the last shred of humanity and warmth a long time ago. The Christian group that foolishly travels into Burma is more afraid of him then the thought of a liberal in the White House Even the supposedly hard-assed mercenaries who fight along side him are afraid. Rambo has always been a killer. And in this movie he does what he's best at. Over, and over, and over. So why does he go to Burma? What is it that draws him into a hellish warzone? Well, what else? A woman. I know, I know. Save your groaning. It's not what you think. Rambo isn't looking to get laid. The woman is a Christian missionary hellbent on supplying medical aid and food and hope to the villagers being slaughtered in the prolonged civil war. I guess there's just something about the woman's indomitable hope and resolve and optimism that send a spark of recognition through Rambo, triggering a stray memory of something besides death and blood and murder. Perhaps a puppy dog? A rainbow? A lollipop? Or maybe he's just a little bit sadistic and feels that this beacon of optimism has the right to fail spectacularly. So he takes them into Burma and drops them off and they all live happily ever after. For about five minutes. Of course, once the shit seriously hits the fan, Rambo is called upon to help rescue those wayward missionaries. And maybe that little twitch he felt was his humanity coming back to him after all, because if I didn't know any better I would think he felt guilty about letting that poor, unfortunate woman and her friends actually get what they thought they wanted. So he heads back into Burma, this time with some mercenaries, to try and extract any survivors. They happen upon the base camp in the middle of the night, and they stealthily travel in the shadows, hunting for the prisoners and stalking the enemy prey. It makes for a very tense mood, and even recalls some of my favorite aspects of "First Blood." But it's not all cold stares and calculated kills from Rambo. He shoots and stabs and also blows up stuff real good. All that sneaking around leads to quite the stand-off the following day, and it easily tops anything previously seen in the franchise. By the way, I remember the outcry against the violence of Rambo III and the hyperbole spewed against it at that time, and this... this was the movie they were actually describing. This movie is violence to it's very core. And it's not just violent, it's gory as hell. It's as if Stallone was tired of Takashi Miike taking the gore crown away from the Americans and stepped up to take it back. And he does. This movie is fucking relentless in blood sprayed, and the limbs flying, and the fucking kids stabbed. It's like the D-Day scene in Saving Private Ryan times about fifty. Anyone who appreciated or found themselves drawn to or even exhilarated by that or anyone who appreciates a good on-screen kill should sprint full speed to see this movie when it opens. Yes, it's fucking harsh. Yes it's fucking bleak. But it's still a lot fun and satisfying. The really bad guys get it as good as they gave it, and at least a few of the people you cared about are left standing at the end. And hey, that's about all you can hope for when you walk into the middle of hell. I also want to add that Stallone has a very steady hand on the direction of this, and should be commended for how well it all works. It has some beautiful photography which contrasts well with the hand held action shots. The performances are solid across the board, and Burma is captured in a way that is all too believable. I even think the last scene was an appropriately perfect bookend to the beginning of "First Blood." Thanks Harry for helping to bring this to Austin early. I'm really happy I got to see this tonight. -GAH!
Readers Talkback
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  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:47 a.m. CST


    by ZooTrain

    I can't wait.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:55 a.m. CST

    I'm looking forward to it.

    by Vek

    Sly gets my respect. I am loving all these old franchises returing, Indy, Die Hard, Rocky, Rambo ... more I say, more!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:57 a.m. CST

    Damn Michael Bay

    by DamnMichaelBay

    Damn Michael Bay

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:57 a.m. CST


    by DamnMichaelBay

    Damn I wasn't first. [p] Damn first-posters.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:58 a.m. CST

    Can't wait for this

    by manikman

    Back to the good old days turned up to 11!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:09 a.m. CST


    by Swollen_balls_low_hung_too

    If its half as good as First Blood it means its 450 times better than Rambo 2 and 3 put together.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:09 a.m. CST


    by Swollen_balls_low_hung_too

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:18 a.m. CST

    I'm afraid to see this now...

    by tonagan

    After reading these reviews, it looks as though the film will drive me into a beserker rage fueled by Sour Patch Kids and Coca-Cola.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:20 a.m. CST

    About Rambo

    by EvilGeek1

    Somethings telling me it's a safe bet.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:21 a.m. CST

    First Blood II wasn't bad

    by EvilGeek1

    It was worth it for that bit when he comes out of the wall of mud! Fucking class!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:30 a.m. CST

    so much hype..why you pricks..can only be bad now

    by couP

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:39 a.m. CST


    by LaserPants

    Sounds gloriously, awesomely, kickassingly STUPID and VIOLENT; exactly where RAMBO always flirted with but didn't have the balls to get to. Now, thanks to guys like Tarantino, Rodriguez, Roth, and the like, its clear that people want to see hard R ultraviolence, and I, for one, am thankful.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:41 a.m. CST

    there will be rambo..

    by palewook

    too much blood? its rambo. looking forward to this.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:42 a.m. CST

    "if you love bloody senselessly violent action..."

    by BadMrWonka

    if you jerk off to x-men comics, yell at football and use "gay" to describe anything you don't's RAMBO!!!! your penis will grow bigger with each minority killed! kill kill kill!! blood blood blood!!!<p>this looks ridiculous. the trailer made the entire theater laugh...

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:44 a.m. CST

    Didn't I tell you

    by vaibhav

    that there should be a Rambo vs. Chuck Norris??? yeah.. go chuck go!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:45 a.m. CST

    All The RAMBOs Were Dumb

    by LaserPants

    The first one was the best, but it was dumb. <br><br>The second one was fun, but stupid, and, of course, dumb. Monumentally dumb. <br><br>And the third one was friggin' hilarious, mostly in hindsight, featuring RAMBO fighting alongside our good ole buddies the Taliban and Al-Queada (Funded by the Reagan and Bush administrations. WHOOPS! Another US foreign policy disaster! Ever wonder why they don't show that one on tv very much?) to hilariously awful and stupid results.<br><br> This one seems to be the ne plus ultra, though. Just embracing, and drowning in, the insanely over-the-top mindless violence, now ratcheted up to hard-r, for the glory of exploitation. I'll be there laughing my ass off and reveling in the big dumb loud stupid carnage.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:46 a.m. CST


    by DonnieDorko

    I really hope the movie is not as retarded as the first review on this page.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:50 a.m. CST

    I guess

    by metaluna

    even dunderheaded redneck middle america needs a movie every now and then. Gonna tell me this movie has an 'issue' at the heart of it? Yeh... right. Stupid violence for violence sake crud on a par with torture horror movies.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:52 a.m. CST

    PLANTY McpLants

    by Stupendous Man


  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:55 a.m. CST

    I Love Bloody Senselessly Violent Action

    by LaserPants

    But I don't jerk off to XMen comics (much), can't stand football or any professional sport, and seldom use the word "gay" as anything other than the generally excepted idiomatic expression for "homosexual" (although, admittedly, I sometimes use the word "gay" for things that I think are silly; but with the caveat that I'm not a homophobe). Oh, and, btw, I'm an equal opportunity lover of violence. I have a dream that all races can revel in entertainment which revels in senseless violence without spending so much time reading a crypto-racist conspiracy meme that isn't really there to begin with, but many otherwise well-meaning stoned undergrads fool themselves into thinking is there in order to take on the mantle of some kind of illusory authenticity of the disenfranchised<br><br> But you're right, BadMrWonka, this does look ridiculous, ludicrously ridiculous, and meant to be, to make the audience laugh because its so ridiculous. Perhaps not your cup of tea, but that doesn't mean everyone who likes it is a racist fratboy from hell. Lighten up.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:57 a.m. CST

    The theater audience laughed at the trailer ?

    by stamper

    I say they should be parachuted into a burmese village, and let the burmese military handle them, then we see if they keep laughing.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:59 a.m. CST

    ok just kidding

    by Stupendous Man

    this sound frakkin awesome! damn you silly worldwide release schedules, i want to watch this now!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:03 a.m. CST

    I fucking knew it! Stallone nailed it!

    by HarryBlackPotter

    Brilliant reviews. All got me juiced up and ready for some carnage. Need to go and eat some red raw meat now.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:29 a.m. CST

    LaserPants is a bloody tosser

    by Crikey Mate

    Bloody hell mate, you are a wanker.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:31 a.m. CST

    Sounds awesome, can't wait!

    by Trazadone

    I love those damn films.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:32 a.m. CST

    If Bloody Tosser Means "Awesome," I Agree

    by LaserPants

    Eh wot? Cor blimey!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:33 a.m. CST

    Hellraiser is not Torture Porn

    by Lost Jarv

    Although extremely gory and violent, it isn't TP. Some of the later hellraisers, on the other hand, are.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:34 a.m. CST

    Been To Burma Then, Stamper?

    by LaserPants

    Do tell us all about your experiences there.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:35 a.m. CST


    by LaserPants

    But I love em both. Yay, torture porn! Especially torture porn with black comedy and satire! Yay!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:43 a.m. CST


    by MRJONZ72

    Congrats to Stallone and whoever greenlighted Rocky Balboa and Rambo

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:43 a.m. CST


    by greigy just wanted to say


  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:43 a.m. CST


    by greigy just wanted to say


  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:44 a.m. CST

    He might even do it in stereo... oops

    by greigy just wanted to say

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:47 a.m. CST

    Don't laugh at genocides !

    by stamper

    This movie is about a genocide in burma, there's nothing funny about it, however much billions of fat burger fed americans will laugh at the trailer. I bet they all voted Bush and are pro-Irak war but that is another story. If you haven't seen the movie, then shut up don't make fun of millions of people being slaughtered while you sit on your fat arse in a american theater.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:53 a.m. CST

    I'm sure I'll like this movie but....

    by V'Shael

    right wing moron reviews who see Rambo as some sort of Cartman-like Hippie killing freak, are just annoying. <p> Add to that, those who think "Yes, Hotel Rwanda was showed some evil motherfuckers in the real world, but now I can feel okay because Rambo has killed some fictional bad guys" <p> You suck.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 7:17 a.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    You're talking rubbish. Hellraiser is far superior to hostel- but they are totally different films. <P>And I still don't know where you get "Satire" from when talking about that Eli Roth dreck-fest. <p>But you might be writing this to provoke me.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 7:47 a.m. CST

    LaserPants is a cheeky tosser.

    by Crikey Mate

    Piss off you sod.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 7:57 a.m. CST

    redneck mercenary & hippies. Fuck yeah! :)

    by wowsucks

    Love it.. I cannot wait to see this flick. Sucks this movie is based around real life events, but at the same time is good when people can see a real look at how things really are outside of there BMW's and 10,000 square foot homes.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 7:59 a.m. CST

    Stallone wipes out the chiffon platoon

    by zinc_chameleon

    Just like he wanted to. He's putting the period to the sentence that came out of King Kong: "Real heroes have a bald spot, bad teeth, and a beer gut.." I'm sooo tired of glammed-up action stars who wouldn't last five minutes in a bar fight, much less Burma. And for you rednecks out there: love him or hate him, Geronimo the Apache and 200 men and women fighters took on 10,000 U.S. troops and police, and kicked their buts. Geronimo was Stallone's age when he went up against the U.S. government. So as for RAMBO being completely unrealistic, think again, or read your own history books. From Canada, where we put wimps out on ice packs, to die of exposure.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:02 a.m. CST

    Moriarty please give analysis to Rambo

    by BDuncan

    As well as fucking Cloverfield, it'll good to read Moriarty's own analysis of the Rambo film, after seeing it.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:04 a.m. CST

    nice one

    by DanboJohnJ

    sounds too good to be true...simply can not wait for the man.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:16 a.m. CST

    Thank God...

    by Regina V. Dudley

    those brown and yellow nations never tire of committing atrocities. Otherwise, where would our geriatric sociopaths get the chance to live out those martyr- and hero fantasies? WHERE??

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:16 a.m. CST

    The limits of R?

    by Mooly

    I think we should already know that you can have any kind of killing, gore, mutilation or torture and easily get an R...but if there were boobs or a gay cowboy then this movie never would have passed.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:30 a.m. CST

    fuck off regina

    by Lost Jarv

    What the hell is wrong with you?

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:33 a.m. CST

    Rambo bringing the Burmese plight to the American people

    by DannyOcean01

    That sounds like the worst Bush wet dream ever. Are people that retarded it takes a movie for them to sit up and think???

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:36 a.m. CST

    Ummmm....Wonka and Regina

    by FluffyUnbound

    I almost certainly won't see this crap, and hate Bush with the best of them, but come on. Everyone Rambo fucks up in FIRST BLOOD is white. Brian Dennehy is pretty much one of the whitest guys around. Half of the above-the-fold enemies in the second film are Russians. All of the enemies in the third film are Russians. Are Russians not white in your world or something?

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:41 a.m. CST

    Dolph Lundgren. How white is Dolph Lundgren?

    by FluffyUnbound

    How many times has Stallone fucked him up? It's like it's its own sub-genre - the Stallone vs. Dolph Lundgren film.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:46 a.m. CST

    Actually there is a.. SPOILER !

    by stamper

    SPOILER there is a gay / pedophile, fuckin up a boy up the arse scene in the movie, so don't disses the MPAA, they have shown GUTS !

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:52 a.m. CST

    who will win pretentious commenter of the month?

    by PullMyFinger

    If you don't really like film, but you love casting stones at people who enjoy Rambo films or are interested in where Batman was when Heath Ledger died, raise your hand!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:06 a.m. CST

    First reviewer...

    by ldm882

    is retarded. The Burmese army are not "mercenaries".

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:14 a.m. CST

    D.Plainview16 - you're a fucking retard

    by Darth Sticky

    "It says that if your pussy leave now, because this is fucking Rambo and Veggietales is across the hall for all of you pussies."--- That sentence makes me hope someone is choking you to death right now.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Stamper, What Are You Doing About Burmese Genocide?

    by LaserPants

    Sitting on your fat ass writing about it on AICN? Is that better or worse? At least the people laughing about it are honest about the fact that they don't really care one way or the other. You're just being a hypocrite. Want to start a revolution? Want to make a change? Well, AICN is not the place to do it. Why not join the peace corps or travel to Burma and try to help rather than pretending to get upset about it here.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:17 a.m. CST

    Oh, Btw, I Hate Bush and the Iraquagmire, So...

    by LaserPants

    You can rest assured, I lean, at times pretty far, to the left. I just also like extremely violent entertainment.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:20 a.m. CST

    HOSTEL Is Totally Dark Comedy Satire

    by LaserPants

    Poking fun, largely, at arrogant Americans traveling the globe to exploit and objectify, only to wind up being the exploited and objectified -- in an extremely unpleasent fashion.<br><br> And for the record, I LOVE HELLRAISER. I also love HOSTEL. I think I love HOSTEL just a little bit more, however.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Films like Rambo serve a need and fill a void

    by TheLastCleric

    The world can be a pretty horrific place at times and seeing evil people get served with true poetic justice, especially when said justice is gruesome, is a way of coping with the reality that bad people get away with murder everyday. One of my absolute favorite indulgences is Garth Ennis' Punisher Max series, largely because Ennis has transformed Castle into a criminal boogie man who is willing and able to visit as much torture, pain and suffering onto the bad guys as they have done to the innocent. Films like Rambo tap into this mentality; they give us a chance to relish seeing human demons being served the ultimate punishement by somebody more frightening than them.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:49 a.m. CST

    Anybody who tells me to "get a bootleg of Meet the Spartans"

    by HitchCock'n'Balz

    Can eat a pile of shit...with some piss to wash it down.....IF THAT IS A FILM ON YOUR RADAR YOU ARE ON THE WRONG WEBSITE.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:52 a.m. CST

    Everyone is coming

    by Abominable Snowcone

    in their pants for RAMBO! It's this year's first feel-good family movie!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:54 a.m. CST

    Hostel better than Hellraiser?

    by TheLastCleric

    Kudos for stupid TB comment of the month. Hostel was decent, much better than Cabin Fever, but Roth cannot even begin to approach Barker's imagination or talent.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:54 a.m. CST

    Mori's quote

    by Nice Marmot

    "That movie’s all about sex and blood and pain and horror, and the chains and the spikes and the leather" Mori is really Professor Freak from the Simpsons!!!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:55 a.m. CST

    your wrong, laserpants

    by Lost Jarv

    It isn't that deep. <p>I'm glad you find that meaning in it but you're crediting Roth with more talent and depth than he has.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Mori doesn't know what TP is

    by Lost Jarv

    obviously, from that sentence.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 10:03 a.m. CST

    It's Professor Frink...not Freak

    by HitchCock'n'Balz

    sorry...had to do it

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 10:10 a.m. CST

    So Where's Neill's review?

    by Shut the Fuck up Donny

    I figure this sumbitch would be right up his alley. But then again, after reading how other people describing this film, he may never make it out of the theatre alive due to a coronary from orgasmic joy. I'm so fucking pumped.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 10:41 a.m. CST

    wow...solid reviews....good stuff.

    by FleshMachine

    yay sly!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 11:04 a.m. CST

    Rambo : A post post-modern horror movie?

    by wowsah156

    The way Stallone has directed this movie, he seems to have took the ethos of the torture porn and gave it a purpose and direction. He also seems to have figured out that the real monsters in the world are us and what we are capable of doing to ur fellow man. We need to start a campaign to get Rambo on next years Oscars.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Laserpants is to Hostel

    by skimn

    as Animal Structure is to Miami Vice. Nothing can be said to make them think otherwise...I do like Stallone's comment recently (on Conan I think) that to make his appeal to the MPAA, he showed up with a can of gas and a lighter. And a fascinating doc called This Film Is Not Rated shines a light on the mindset of the MPAA. As with Rambo, much like Doomsday, this looks like this cries out to be seen at a drive-in, mid summer, with a cold six pack and a bit of the bud.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Clive Barker likes the Midnight Meat Train

    by I Dunno

    but what was the deal with the reviewer who told me to get a bootleg of Meet the Spartans? You would have to strap me in Clockwork Orange-style to get me to watch that.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 11:35 a.m. CST

    I'm still waiting for the "proper" critics reviews

    by BenBraddock

    before I'm convinced! 2 FRESH out of 3 at ROTTEN TOMATOES so far... OK, so the hardcore fans love it, but (no offence guys!) does that mean it's not a turkey? I *SO* want it to be good! Fuck that I don't live in the US and have to wait another 6 weeks before I can see this!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Hellraiser is better than that pos Hostel...

    by Sailor Rip

    ...but Hellraiser II is better than both of them.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 12:25 p.m. CST

    I don't take reviewers seriously

    by norrinrad

    when they say "fucking awesome." Seriously, broham? Was it totally awesome?

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 12:30 p.m. CST

    FIRED UP FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    by la_sith

    Oh man. Cannot wait. It's been way too long. I wish Brian Dennehy was in it, but oh well.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 1:49 p.m. CST

    Midnight Meat Train?

    by RobertBaron

    Sounds like a typical Saturday night in West Hollywood for Clive Barker

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 1:52 p.m. CST

    Well it looks better than.........

    by RoarsLoudly

    Rocky Balboa, thats for sure.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST

    I don't know if it's a "good" movie or not

    by I Dunno

    but it sounds like it delivers what it promises.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 2:03 p.m. CST

    FUCK I want to see this movie NOW!!!

    by AllPowerfulWizardOfOz

    NOW!!! NOW!!! Waiting until tomorrow fucking blows. Goddamn I can't wait to see this.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 2:07 p.m. CST

    Cool a Monty Python movie!

    by watashiwadare


  • Jan. 24, 2008, 2:41 p.m. CST

    Can't wait!

    by TattooedBillionaire

    This is going to rock.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 2:42 p.m. CST

    by MamoVaka

    I hope the limited budget doesn't affect this films quality... Studio's can be so fickle.. they turn on the legendary movie stars, stallone arnold ford.. the big names.. that also command the sweet cash.. instead they give lindsay lohan money to make movies... even paris hilton has a film coming out.. why spend 1$ on a movie like that when they can toss money to sly stallone.. he's a good director too he should do some eastwood stuff and just direct for awhile.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 2:43 p.m. CST

    Hostel and Hellraiser.

    by Tourist

    Love em both. But whoever pointed out that Hellraiser 2 is better than either is a freak. Possibly right too. Its unarguably a giant pile of shit, but goddamn, what a perverse and enjoyable pile of thrown together shit. Now, don't call NBC on me, but ever since I was young, I've found something mixed up and arousing about the Hellraiser films. Although, my fevered pre adolescent mind had Hellraiser 2 and Labrynth all mixed up. Kind of dissapointing to catch up with it as an adult. Was there some sort of talking rat in Hellraiser 2?

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 3:25 p.m. CST

    Nothing like a bit of Mass Murder and mayhem to...


    Cheer you up after the bad news of someone dying darkens your day!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:01 p.m. CST

    Has anyone else noticed this..or am I the asshole?

    by HitchCock'n'Balz

    the first reviewer actually want's to see "Meet the Spartans"..i mean if that doesn't negate everything he says about any issue whatsoever..then i don't know what hurt me to type the name of that the way, I think this Rambo is gonna be good..I love Stallone and his Q&A sessions are awesome, even when the questions are lame..

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:01 p.m. CST

    Yes, My Love For HOSTEL Borders On The Insane

    by LaserPants

    I'm totally obsessed with it, and no amount of trying to convince me otherwise will ever work because I know, deep in my soulpole, that its a work of psychotic, exploitarific genius.<br><br> Btw, I was totally obsessed with HELLRAISER too back in the day. Still remember seeing it in the theatres on opening weekend (yes, I'm olde -- 36) and thinking it was the second cumming. It still retains a place of love in my mindhole, but HOSTEL claims a larger chunk of it. In alot of ways, they come from a similar place -- people seeking out the limits of experience, only to have that limit literally tear them apart. I'm surprised theres not more love for both...<br><br> Oh, anyways, for me, both HOSTEL 1 and 2 were genius. HELLRAISER was genius as well, HELLRAISER 2? Not so much. I was heartbroken when, at the 11th hour, Pinhead suddenly becomes a good guy. That pissed me off so fucking much I almost walked out. And I won't even bother mentioning the other sequels which all pretty much sucked. I mean, CD Shooting Head Man? Are you fucking kidding me?

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:29 p.m. CST


    by epitone

    It's a movie for people who call everyone who disagrees with them a pussy. Noted.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 4:40 p.m. CST


    by crackerfarmboy

    End this series on a high note like the Rocky series. Put your two main alter-egos to rest with pride. Sure, there were dumb sequels in both but now's your chance to give Rambo a definitive ending like Rocky!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:07 p.m. CST

    stamper you fucking moron.

    by DocPazuzu

    Nobody's laughing AT the atrocities committed in Burma while watching Rambo any more than people are laughing AT the atrocities committed in the Third Reich while watching The Dirty Dozen. <p> Really, go fuck yourself along with that nitwit regina.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:23 p.m. CST

    The problem with AICN advance reviews...

    by _Maltheus_

    ...are that the reviewers are so happy to be part of the 'event' that their objectivity is skewed. RT is slamming this one and historically, they've been closer to the mark than the AICN reviewers. Still, I have a soft spot in my heart for ex-pat culture, so maybe I'll catch it on DVD.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:45 p.m. CST

    Stupid Enough That You Carried It All Day With You?!

    by LaserPants

    Dang! I completely forgot about that! But clearly you absolutely fascinated by it; borderline obsessed with it, even. I sense I have a fan? To prove how unhomophobic I am, I will gladly allow you to suck my cock for a nominal fee.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:57 p.m. CST

    lol @ all the cussing in the reviews

    by Sir Loin

    I remember when I was in 5th grade...there was this kid who tried to say as many cuss words as possible to try and sound credible or whatever. He was never taken seriously and even mocked most of the time. Some things never change. LOL

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 5:59 p.m. CST

    The Hellraiser sequels after 2 sucked but

    by I Dunno

    Hellraiser 3 featured Paula Marshal in goth mode. God I was in love with her. I so wanted her to kiss Jadzia Dax.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:17 p.m. CST

    Well, I Could Kinda Care Less, Nixon

    by LaserPants

    If you need me to be gay in your mind thats just fine and dandy. In fact, in a weird way, it inflates my ego. I'll meet you at The Factory circa 1967 for meth and giggles. I hear the VU are playing. Cheers, sweetie! *Smooch!* <br><br> But you are right though, trolling is quite a good time. Sometimes.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:26 p.m. CST

    Fantasize Often About Your Friends Story?

    by LaserPants

    Cmon, you know you do. It's okay. Jesus will still love you. He might even make out with ya!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:28 p.m. CST

    Lasers Comin' Atcha!

    by LaserPants

    Rainbow lasers are go! You know you want it Nixon. Don't fight it. Feel it.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Ghosts Of Nixon... Coming Out Of The Closet?

    by LaserPants

    I can't believe it! So we know the real reason you carried that post with you; why it moved you; stirred something deep in your loins and sense-memory. That lovely summer with Peter. The passion! The unholy secret! The love that dare not speak its name! How you long for those bygone days. You wish you knew how to quit him! <br><br>Don't fight it, Nixon, feel it. Jesus wants you. Uh, I mean he wants you to be happy! Be yourself and know thine own walk on teh Oscar Wilde side. Its okay. Perfectly natural.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:35 p.m. CST

    Leaving W/out The Common Courtesy Of A Reacharound?

    by LaserPants

    Oh Nixon, whats to be done with you you big closet queen troll you? Have a nice night dreaming of Peter!

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 6:38 p.m. CST


    by LaserPants

    Now thats an ending. Goodnight.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 7:56 p.m. CST

    that's interesting GAH!

    by troutpencil

    I never heard anybody describe First Blood as like a monster movie before but it makes sense.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:32 p.m. CST

    stallone was on stern today

    by palewook

    he was an interesting interview. and had a few decent stories he gave up.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 8:43 p.m. CST

    i hate

    by slkboxrman

    movies that pick a subjct that the public may or may not be aware of and use it as a story point...they picked the burmese thing because they want to draw attention to it..and no one can take offense to killing 200 sumthin soldiers of a conflict we know nothing about, i guess

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 9:08 p.m. CST

    Thanks for choose my question Harry!

    by Dogmatic

    It is really cool to get that kinda interaction with a giant of Hollywood in this day and age! You know I am gonna be there to see all that Burmese ass-kicking!!! I know a guy from Burma that immigrated to my town and had to leave his family behind in that nightmare and his wife was killed in it. So I hope Rambo jacks these bastards up real good and it will be interesting to see my friend's take on the film and hopefully it will cause more involvement from the West in this mess.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 10:12 p.m. CST

    Plants, All of them!

    by ganymede3010

    By the sounds of these reviews this is the best film ever.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 10:38 p.m. CST

    One reviewer...

    by kuldan

    ...on Rotten Tomatoes wished the film had been a more "go-for-broke" film like "Live Free or Die Hard." I immediately rejected his opinion.

  • Jan. 24, 2008, 11:34 p.m. CST

    Hellraiser 2 had the first Zombie Pussy shot.

    by future help

    Lifeforce had a few too.

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 12:35 a.m. CST

    I'm very anxious about opening weekend

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    and hope that the movie is really as good as those reviewers say it is.

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 1:04 a.m. CST

    just got out of midnight screening

    by Alkohal

    First thank you stallone because watching a baby taken from it mothers arms and tossed into a fire, was possibly one of the funniest things ive ever seen on screen. In fact i support more killing of toddlers in movies.

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 1:27 a.m. CST


    by Alkohal

    If only....

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 2:42 a.m. CST

    Just saw it...

    by milla jovovich

    and it was hilarious! Rambo fights for white Christians this time because he fought for Al Quaeda last time! Four Burmese women getting gang-raped by drunken soldiers? Fuck 'em, as long as Rambo can get the white women out of the camp! Whatta distraction! I told you so, going up that river into Burma was a bad idea, see, I was right, but hey, you've got a point, I need to get back to AZ and visit my dad. We should've actually MET Rambo's dad. It could've been a CGI John Wayne like in a Bud Light commercial. Rambo is a hilarious, retarded, ill-conceived, racist, ultra-violent cartoon. Where's the super-iconic moments? Where's Rambo popping out of the water with an M60? Where's Rambo fixing up a bullet wound with gunpowder and a knife? Where's the big final throwdown where Rambo goes toe to toe with the big bad guy? Oh, yeah, this time it's stabbing little kids with bayonets and throwing them into burning huts. And ridiculous CGI gore. Way to take yourself so fucking seriously that you end up a parody. Hilarious! My sweet dick!

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 2:45 a.m. CST

    And not a single explosive arrow!

    by milla jovovich

    What the fuck is that all about?

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 3:15 a.m. CST

    To the British Visitors to the TBs

    by redfist

    While we American find it amusing your cutsey use of the lanuage(i.e. tosser, wanker, sod, cheeky, dogdy) but it makes me want to stick my cock in your fish and chips.

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 4 a.m. CST

    Long live RAMBO!!!!!!!!

    by geodesigns

    Fuck "Live Free or Sell Out"!

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 4:14 a.m. CST

    Lived Free, Die Soft, Rambo Hard

    by I AM ROCKO

    Man alive this film sounds like it is First Blood brutal with bells on..exactly what I want from it. Although the fourth Die Hard film was an average entertaining action movie (though Willis was on top form) it was only at certain points it felt like a Die Hard film...and yes I think due to the fact that it most of it was sanitized, skewed to a younger auidence. And on by the way Redfist...if you truly wish to upset and offend the British during their dinner, it would be better for you to stick your todger in chicken tikka massala rather than fish and chips. Most Britons eat that more for tea anyhow.

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 5:47 a.m. CST

    Um, TheJazzTerminator

    by LaserPants

    Yes, the Taliban wasn't officially called the Taliban until after we left. BUT IT WAS THE SAME GUYS, DOUCHEBAG. What you think all those guys flew up to heaven after the war? Dumbass. They got the best terrorist training available! Care of the CIA, our tax dollars, and good ole dumbass Ronuld Raygun. <br><br> Owned? Oh yes, you are OWNED.

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 5:57 a.m. CST

    Heres A Quote To Back it Up, JazzTerminator:

    by LaserPants

    From a book entitled TALIBAN by Ahmid Rashid (2000).:<br><br> "...some basis for the CIA's military support of the Taliban was provided when, in the early 1980s, the CIA and the ISI (Pakistan's Interservices Intelligence Agency) provided arms to Afghans resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, and the ISI assisted the process of gathering radical Muslims from around the world to fight against the Soviets. Osama Bin Laden was one of the key players in organizing training camps for the foreign Muslim volunteers. The U.S. poured funds and arms into Afghanistan and "by 1987, 65,000 tons of U.S.-made weapons and ammunition a year were entering the war"."<br><br> Of course, this author has a "middle eastern" sounding name, so he must be an "evildoer" right? Praise Jeebus!

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 6:12 a.m. CST

    Actually, Laserpants...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...the Afghans Rambo hangs out with in Rambo III are most likely the ones who ended up fighting the Taliban once the war was over. If you had known anything about the Taliban you would know their strict rules when it comes to beard lengths and women's "modesty", none of which are on display with the Afghans in Rambo III. Neither would the proto-Taliban have accepted Soviet defectors in their ranks, whereas that happened on occasion with the forces which later became the Northern Alliance among others. In Rambo III, there is a Soviet field medic who lives, fights and ultimately dies with the Afghans. <p> Afghanistan's most celebrated Mujahedin fighter, Mahsood, was friendly to the west, fought the Taliban for years and was finally murdered by Al Qaeda agents just before 9/11.

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 6:31 a.m. CST


    by redfist

    Thanx for the advice...even though after some thought I don't think I want to stick my cock into anything British....except for Serina Miller.

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 6:34 a.m. CST

    JazzTerminator vs. LaserPants

    by redfist

    LaserPants 1 <p> JazzTerminator 0

  • Jan. 25, 2008, 8:21 a.m. CST

    Better bring condoms...

    by turketron

    How many loads will you blow during this movie? Better come prepared! (pun intended)

  • Jan. 26, 2008, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Why did Firebaum leave work early for a 1:30 AM screening?

    by MrMysteryGuest

    He needed 14 hours of rest to see this movie?

  • Jan. 26, 2008, 1:01 p.m. CST

    HOSTEL is a piece of crap

    by thegreatwhatzit

    And, sure, Eli Roth is a modern Jonathan Swift. And, sure, HOSTEL is a satire of Anglicized bohemianism--not a self-indulgent piece of gluttony (mis)directed by a frat boy. Anything to make you happy. Whether you're right or left, it can't be disputed: RAMBO will draw attention to the carnage in Burma. Hope the next prez is more alert about this crisis (Hillary Clinton can't even find Burma on a map, not without a team of stooges. Oh what the hell, Viva Obama!).