Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

I am desperate to see this.

I don’t care. I know what this review says, but I don’t care. Until I’ve seen it myself, it’s like Schrodinger’s Cat... there’s still a chance it’s great, the perfect resolution to this long-open-ended trilogy. And I am determined to maintain the most sunshiny outlook on this one. I’ve waited too long to see it.

Having said that, check out what this guy, who attended a screening at the Alamo, had to say about it:

Hi there Harry-

Long time reader, first time reviewer. Thanks to the always awesome Alamo Drafthouse and Fangoria's "Weekend of Horrors," I just arrived home from seeing Dario Argento's "The Mother of Tears." I will spare the history lesson as anyone who reads this knows probably already knows of its significance. I am a huge Italian cinema and have a massive boner for early Argento, and to say I was excited when the credits started to roll is one big ole understatement. I was fucking giddy. Those credits had me more excited than the total mediocrity that was "Cloverblowme." And then the movie started.

The action starts impressively quick. A weird, ancient goth box and decayed body are found by a priest buried together in church ruins. The wise old priest knows this goth box is bad news, and has a stroke just after sending off the goth box to a friend Michael, the director at a museum in Rome, for safe keeping. Michael is not there when goth box arrives, but a nosy assistant and his girlfriend/fellow employee Sarah (Asia Argento) open the box to investigate. A little spilled blood causes the resurrection of some weird dudes and a screaming monkey, who quickly mutilate the nosy assistant in an enjoyable, extended bloodbath. Sarah escapes, but is questioned by the police who believe she may be responsible for the murder, as well as the bizarre acts of violence that begin to erupt throughout Rome. A detective begins following her in hopes of solving the mystery of these acts, and thus begins the movie's descent into awful CGI, fluorescent eye shadow, and especially bad dubbing.

The middle of the film hits a lull as goth lesbians flock to Rome as the resurrected Mother of Tears gathers her strength. Sarah goes on the run, and is chased through several scenes by the goth lesbs with many friends and acquaintances dispatched. In the final act, Sarah fights the Mother in her decaying home, the Detective gets stabbed in the man tit, and the film ends bizarrely in an inane green screen moment.

As much as I wanted to and almost expected to like this film despite Argento's recent track record of weakness, it just doesn't compare to "Inferno" or "Suspiria", or even the "Stendhal Syndrome." While there are small, surface allusions to the other two entries in the trilogy, it didn't seem like this chapter was continuing or concluding anything. The only film I really can compare it to is "Land of the Dead," if only for the same sense of disappointment and random cringe-worthy factor. While I think the "Mother of Tears" is better than "Land of the Dead," it pains me to say it's still not that good, and definitely belongs in Argento's more recent body of flawed work than the glory days of the '70s and '80s. Recommended if you're a forgiving fan and all-around Dario love like me, but ratchet those expectations down a bit kids. It's better than "The Card Player," if that is consolation to anyone.

If you use this, please credit me as Oliver Onions.