Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

I’ll say this about TEETH... it’s not what I expected.

This is a film that I would say you should not read much about before you see it. I managed to go a full year without reading any spoilers for it, and when I finally saw it, I was truly surprised by what film it is, especially since I was sure I had it figured out.

Here’s a guy who went to the AICN sponsored FANTASTIC FEST sneak screening of TEETH, and he definitely treads into sensitive territory in his review.

And, yes, I know every single thing you write about this film sounds like double entendre. It’s unavoidable.

Gentlemen,

I just returned from the special aicn sneak peek of TEETH.

You know, for a film with such a masterly concept, that opens itself to countless juvenile possibilities of the imagination, it's not nearly as fun as it should be. The movie tries to be two things, and only succeeds halfway with both. This could've been a formidable Midnite Movie, but it's slightly too serious slightly too often to be considered mindless fun. Yet, it's too shallow and too reliant on B-movie stereotypes and cliches to be taken seriously.

The story is about Dawn, a young woman dead-center in the years of the teenage hormonal overdrive. Dawn, however, has chosen for herself a life of sexual sanctity and purity, and will not sleep with anyone until they deem themselves husband and wife. In fact, unbeknownst to her, she has been supplied a gift from God that will allow her to protect herself from those that are unaccepting of her ideals, and attempt to force themselves on her. I should say in her, actually. It's the gift of ultimate protection. It's the gift of being a natural one-woman judge, jury, and executioner. She has been blessed anatomically with an internal penis guillotine.

She has been blessed with Vagina Dentata.

Vagina dentata is actually a term devolved from a myth about a woman with a toothed-vagina. No joke, it's true. Initially, the film describes her anatomic anamoly as vagina dentata. Later, she physically gives the term a whole new meaning by turning it into a deadly martial art.
Offhand, this all sounds good and fun. An attractive, young, celibate woman trying to make it through her most hormonally pronounced years virginally intact, and is armed with the most nightmarish weapon known to man. I can just smell the lovely odor of a classic midnight movie right here, and it's ripe. I can hear Lloyd Kaufmann knocking at the door in fact. But, writer/director Mitchell Lichtenstein seemed to have other ideas in mind, more dramatic ideas. More, Daniel Waters-ish ideas if you will, only without the skill set to blend the lines of genre like Waters did with HEATHERS. However, that may be less due to Lichtenstein attempting to combine different story types, and more him trying to blend cinema class. He's trying to blend Troma in with speckles of Hollywood, only he can't find the right measurements.

It's as if the director wanted to give the film a bit of credibility, but utilized way too many non-credible shortcuts along the way. Such as, he injects the film with drama in the relationship between Dawn and her sick mother, and even a little bit of tragedy dealing with her step-brother. What's terrible is that, ironically, the actors handle this material well, so it comes across as 100% honest. But, he also adds in some pretty incredulous things such as Dawn being raped, to different degrees, three times in less than a week, with a fourth attempt to come later. I know the premise relies on her to be under sexual distress in order for her vagina to gnaw something off, but three times in less than a week? And, it's not just the rape turnaround time, it's also the way that it happens for two of the instances, and who the offenders were that screamed bad B-movie. Again, though, I'd have no issue if the movie decided to completely embrace its low-grade horror material and just run rampant with the concept, but it doesn't decide if it wants me to take it seriously, or if I should accept some of its implausible happenings because its a movie about a woman whose vagina bites off dicks. Therefore, I found myself laughing less often during the moments that were meant to be played for laughs or gross-outs, and I was more unwilling to buy into the few honest moments because the rest of the movie was attempting to be the stand up and cheer for the gory dismemberments of all the stereotypical guys doing all the calculated things that we've seen all the idiot guys from every horror movie do to get themselves into trouble.

I will say, to the delight of many, that the very obscene moments aren't at all censored. When the movie goes balls to the wall, it really goes there and surprisingly ended up with an R-rating. But, that just added to my frustration that there should, or could, have been more stupidly fun moments since it's obvious that they really wanted to make something fun.

Thanks,

THE BEEF

I just found this one in the inbox as well and wanted to add it as a counterpoint to the earlier review:

Hey Harry, I saw a screening of Teeth last night, and both my lesbian roommate and myself were incredibly freaked out by this amazing amazing film. She would still do Dawn and has taken to using the phrase "boy, that sounds so good I'd put my hand up a teeth filled vagina for a cup of that." But she's from Austin, so you probably understand better than I do. As for me, I've been checking my dick every 10 minutes to make sure it's still attached.

Here's my review. You can call me Bob McSmith, because that's what I like to be called:

Teeth, the new movie by Mitchell Lichtenstein, son of the artist who painted all of those pretty dotty pictures that look like comic strips (I was a theater major not an art major), is a little bit of a mixed bag that starts off slow but ultimately bites down and won’t let go.
It seems like a simple enough concept: a vagina with teeth in it. That image alone is enough to send me screaming under the covers and swearing off any form of sex for the next twenty five years. And by the end of Teeth I did just that. The line for the men’s room was filled with uncomfortable guys squirming; just waiting to check to make sure their dick was still attached.

After a slow start with some unnecessary plot details about promise rings, lots of shots of a nuclear power plant, and some pretty heavy handed character development the movie really digs it’s teeth in. I’m not sure how many teeth puns I have in me, so please accept my apology now. As Dawn begins to realize her problem, the movie really begins to find it’s grind. And slowly little cavities begin to… you know what? I give up.

A lot of credit must be given to the enormously lovely Jess Weixler who brings across Dawn as a convincing real person. What would have been played as a one-note-camp-fest in a TROMA style movie with a similar plot, here offers real emotion. We care about Dawn, and honestly feel bad for her through her struggles and root for her when she ultimately realizes her power. Never so much have I wanted to burst into “Be A Dentist” from Little Shop of Horrors, but then again, I’m gay like that.

This movie deserves and award for sound design, I have never heard an audience react so much to a simple sound cue. After hearing the teeth gnash down on a man’s junk the entire preview audience (mostly black men and homeless- this is NYC after all) started screaming and hollering at the screen, averting their eyes, and shouting ohnoshedint. That may come across as racist, but really, that’s what people were screaming. Hand. To. God.

Like every good horror film, Teeth has a moral message, namely don’t rape, but what teeth has that other movies don’t, aside from a psychotic pussy, is heart. The young cast is enormously talented and while the movie struggles to find it’s footing at first, they are so immensely likeable, that if I hadn’t been waiting to see dongs getting chomped, I would have probably enjoyed their character’s nuances a lot more. As it stands I haven’t’ stopped thinking about this movie since I got out of it. And from now on, I’m sticking with the butt as my choice of penetration.

If you only see one movie about a vagina with killer teeth in it this year, let it be Teeth.