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One Reader’s Review Of IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SEIGE TALE: A TERRIBLE MOVIE!
Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.
If this poor fucker had to sit through this movie, the least you can do is take the time to read his reaction to it. It’s the decent thing to do.
Bad Uwe. Bad, bad Uwe.
Greetings all,
I just got back from an advanced (free) screening of "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" and I'd like to share my experience with everyone. More accurately, I'd like to warn everyone about this horrendous film. It's a laughable attempt at some kind of epic fantasy and when I say laughable, I mean the entire theater was laughing throughout the movie. This isn't a comedy, folks. It was THAT bad. There are some jokes and comic relief planted into the story but they come off as weak attempts to lighten a mood that should be much darker than it ever is. After going to a screening of One Missed Call last week, I can't decide right now which one was worse. Maybe I'll go see AvP-R just to round things out. There are some light spoilers in here…but really…do you care if this movie is spoiled any more than it already was when it was made?
How this cast of fairly talented actors got roped into this movie, I can't imagine. The plot, to sum it up as briefly as possible, surrounds Jason Statham's character Farmer (a farmer), who must rise up and embrace his destiny to lead an army against the evil magus Gallian (Ray Liotta) in order to save his wife (Claire Forlani) and free the lands of the mindless orc-like Krug that are ravaging the lands under Gallian's influence. Farmer brings along with him some friends, including Norick (Ron Perlman aka Hellboy) and along the way he encounters the King (Burt Reynolds), his double-crossing nephew (Matthew Lilliard), the king's magus (John Rhys-Davies, aka Gimli) and the magus' daughter Muriella (Leelee Sobieski). Sounds simple enough and has potential for at least a decent hero story. Unfortunately, potential is all this film has to go on.
The main actors, for the most part, seem to be wholly out of place. Statham does the most with what he is given in terms of a script and pulls off a decent performance all things considered. Of course, his action/fighting scenes are where he shines and there are quite a few of them throughout the film. Unfortunately, much of the choreography feels much staged and there are many times when it is clear that his punches, kicks, and sword blows are not landing on his opponents as they jump away, apparently killed or whatever. Ron Perlman's face is cool just to watch whenever he's on scene, but his dialogue is bland and his delivery of most of his lines is quite uninspired. It really didn't look like he wanted to be on set and many of his fight scenes give that same impression. Matt Lilliard's character is poorly defined…he is villainous, but acts like Capt. Jack Sparrow with his drunk-like swaggering and over the top performance. You can't take him seriously and it's possible that he realized what kind of movie he was acting for and just said "to hell with it, I'm going to have a fun time and act like an ass". John Rhys-Davies is similarly clearly enjoying most of his screen time, but in a different way. The presence he often commands on screen is quite something. Despite having lost a lot of weight since his days on Sliders and as Gimli (I'm thinking he chose the Peter Jackson diet), he still fills the theatre with his booming voice delivering corny lines and clearly enjoyed giving a strong and serious performance despite being surrounded by an idiotic setting. Sobieski is adequate. She neither impresses nor disappoints…though she does look eerily like Helen Hunt at times.
Now for to the two biggest jokes of this movie. Firstly, Burt Reynolds. Who decided that BURT REYNOLDS should be the king in an epic fantasy movie? Bad call. Reynolds sometimes looks the part only because of the costume and mostly when the helmet is covering up his head. Every line he delivers feels like it is meant to be a spoof. It feels like watching him on Saturday Night Live giving a "funny" impression of something that might happen in The Lord of the Rings. The only reason that his terrible performance was watchable was that he was clearly taking it seriously and utterly failing to convince a single person in the theater that he could ever be a king. Granted, the lines he had to deliver were terrible to begin with, but the delivery was pure comedy. Next up is Ray Liotta. What happened to this guy? He is supposed to be an evil wizard (think Saruman, but suckier) and there isn't a single time that he is one screen when you don't want to start laughing. He and John Rhys-Davies should have switched roles if they both HAD to be in this movie. Liotta can't deliver a single line without his voice cracking or fading. There's a scene where he levitates from a balcony down to the main level of a room and the pose he strikes during the movement looked like he was channeling Madonna in her video for Material Girl. The energy that he has reminds me of listening to student films from grade 10. It really is THAT BAD.
Not only do the personal performances fall short, the visual and special effects that accompany them are hit and miss at best. The Krug are very clearly men in rubber suits that look like they would make cool costumes for Halloween but not for a movie. There are a few cool shots in which the magicians transport themselves, but they are few and far between. A couple of times you get to see an effect that looks really promising but then the camera abruptly and prematurely cuts away to something else, making it seem like the shot had to be abandoned partway through because of budgetary or time constraints. Actually, there are LOTS of shots in this movie that don't flow from one to the other. The opening shots cute back and forth among involve Liotta and Sobieski in a terribly awkward romantic situation, Rhys-Davies cursing someone on a hill, lots of shots of mountains and trees and other crap that doesn't go together. The movie continues on this way until the end. Bad editing? Maybe. Maybe the editors didn't have much to work with, who knows. Some of the cinematography looks nice at times (filmed in the forests and mountains of Western Canada), but it is often pretty clear when you are looking at something that is CG or a matte painting background.
I was impressed by actor Brian White, who seems like he really got into his character and is hoping that someone can see his talent despite all the junk that surrounds him. Also, Claire Forlani is pretty hot on screen and there are some hot women that live in the trees performing Cirque-du-Soleil acrobatics while killing the Krug.
Ultimately, this movie is a joke. The theater was laughing from start to finish at how bad the acting was, how bad the lines were to begin with. The worst part of this movie is that it takes itself seriously. It thinks it's a good movie with solid performances. It MIGHT be fun for young boys to watch just because it's an "action" "film", but I hope that some kids out there have the sense to recognize the difference between this and something of quality like LOTR. This was based on a video game and I don't think that it matters. I played through Dungeon Siege a few years ago and had a good enough time with it, but this movie didn't remind me of it at all. In fact, this movie had a real lack of dungeons and sieges. This one won't last long in theatres and should be in a second-hand DVD bin by the end of the year if you are looking for a few good laughs at the expense of a few good actors.
If you can use this, I'm Jubba in the talkbacks.
I just got back from an advanced (free) screening of "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" and I'd like to share my experience with everyone. More accurately, I'd like to warn everyone about this horrendous film. It's a laughable attempt at some kind of epic fantasy and when I say laughable, I mean the entire theater was laughing throughout the movie. This isn't a comedy, folks. It was THAT bad. There are some jokes and comic relief planted into the story but they come off as weak attempts to lighten a mood that should be much darker than it ever is. After going to a screening of One Missed Call last week, I can't decide right now which one was worse. Maybe I'll go see AvP-R just to round things out. There are some light spoilers in here…but really…do you care if this movie is spoiled any more than it already was when it was made?
How this cast of fairly talented actors got roped into this movie, I can't imagine. The plot, to sum it up as briefly as possible, surrounds Jason Statham's character Farmer (a farmer), who must rise up and embrace his destiny to lead an army against the evil magus Gallian (Ray Liotta) in order to save his wife (Claire Forlani) and free the lands of the mindless orc-like Krug that are ravaging the lands under Gallian's influence. Farmer brings along with him some friends, including Norick (Ron Perlman aka Hellboy) and along the way he encounters the King (Burt Reynolds), his double-crossing nephew (Matthew Lilliard), the king's magus (John Rhys-Davies, aka Gimli) and the magus' daughter Muriella (Leelee Sobieski). Sounds simple enough and has potential for at least a decent hero story. Unfortunately, potential is all this film has to go on.
The main actors, for the most part, seem to be wholly out of place. Statham does the most with what he is given in terms of a script and pulls off a decent performance all things considered. Of course, his action/fighting scenes are where he shines and there are quite a few of them throughout the film. Unfortunately, much of the choreography feels much staged and there are many times when it is clear that his punches, kicks, and sword blows are not landing on his opponents as they jump away, apparently killed or whatever. Ron Perlman's face is cool just to watch whenever he's on scene, but his dialogue is bland and his delivery of most of his lines is quite uninspired. It really didn't look like he wanted to be on set and many of his fight scenes give that same impression. Matt Lilliard's character is poorly defined…he is villainous, but acts like Capt. Jack Sparrow with his drunk-like swaggering and over the top performance. You can't take him seriously and it's possible that he realized what kind of movie he was acting for and just said "to hell with it, I'm going to have a fun time and act like an ass". John Rhys-Davies is similarly clearly enjoying most of his screen time, but in a different way. The presence he often commands on screen is quite something. Despite having lost a lot of weight since his days on Sliders and as Gimli (I'm thinking he chose the Peter Jackson diet), he still fills the theatre with his booming voice delivering corny lines and clearly enjoyed giving a strong and serious performance despite being surrounded by an idiotic setting. Sobieski is adequate. She neither impresses nor disappoints…though she does look eerily like Helen Hunt at times.
Now for to the two biggest jokes of this movie. Firstly, Burt Reynolds. Who decided that BURT REYNOLDS should be the king in an epic fantasy movie? Bad call. Reynolds sometimes looks the part only because of the costume and mostly when the helmet is covering up his head. Every line he delivers feels like it is meant to be a spoof. It feels like watching him on Saturday Night Live giving a "funny" impression of something that might happen in The Lord of the Rings. The only reason that his terrible performance was watchable was that he was clearly taking it seriously and utterly failing to convince a single person in the theater that he could ever be a king. Granted, the lines he had to deliver were terrible to begin with, but the delivery was pure comedy. Next up is Ray Liotta. What happened to this guy? He is supposed to be an evil wizard (think Saruman, but suckier) and there isn't a single time that he is one screen when you don't want to start laughing. He and John Rhys-Davies should have switched roles if they both HAD to be in this movie. Liotta can't deliver a single line without his voice cracking or fading. There's a scene where he levitates from a balcony down to the main level of a room and the pose he strikes during the movement looked like he was channeling Madonna in her video for Material Girl. The energy that he has reminds me of listening to student films from grade 10. It really is THAT BAD.
Not only do the personal performances fall short, the visual and special effects that accompany them are hit and miss at best. The Krug are very clearly men in rubber suits that look like they would make cool costumes for Halloween but not for a movie. There are a few cool shots in which the magicians transport themselves, but they are few and far between. A couple of times you get to see an effect that looks really promising but then the camera abruptly and prematurely cuts away to something else, making it seem like the shot had to be abandoned partway through because of budgetary or time constraints. Actually, there are LOTS of shots in this movie that don't flow from one to the other. The opening shots cute back and forth among involve Liotta and Sobieski in a terribly awkward romantic situation, Rhys-Davies cursing someone on a hill, lots of shots of mountains and trees and other crap that doesn't go together. The movie continues on this way until the end. Bad editing? Maybe. Maybe the editors didn't have much to work with, who knows. Some of the cinematography looks nice at times (filmed in the forests and mountains of Western Canada), but it is often pretty clear when you are looking at something that is CG or a matte painting background.
I was impressed by actor Brian White, who seems like he really got into his character and is hoping that someone can see his talent despite all the junk that surrounds him. Also, Claire Forlani is pretty hot on screen and there are some hot women that live in the trees performing Cirque-du-Soleil acrobatics while killing the Krug.
Ultimately, this movie is a joke. The theater was laughing from start to finish at how bad the acting was, how bad the lines were to begin with. The worst part of this movie is that it takes itself seriously. It thinks it's a good movie with solid performances. It MIGHT be fun for young boys to watch just because it's an "action" "film", but I hope that some kids out there have the sense to recognize the difference between this and something of quality like LOTR. This was based on a video game and I don't think that it matters. I played through Dungeon Siege a few years ago and had a good enough time with it, but this movie didn't remind me of it at all. In fact, this movie had a real lack of dungeons and sieges. This one won't last long in theatres and should be in a second-hand DVD bin by the end of the year if you are looking for a few good laughs at the expense of a few good actors.
If you can use this, I'm Jubba in the talkbacks.
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imagine that. and im first.
oh boy. -
Anyone shocked by this??? I mean seriously...
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wtf???
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I mean didn't we already know this
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i must say. fuck uwe boll and his raping of the german tax system. the guy is like a caricature of the producers (the fat conniving, boxing dilletante german one) and a mouth breathing pug.
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fuck this movie in its ass...and fuck you for making me remember this was made
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Shit, I might go see it for that alone!
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Why do big name (and semi-big name)actors waste their time on Uwe's bullshit movies? Is the paycheck THAT good? Better yet, who gives Uwe the money to go out and MAKE his bullshit movies?
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Thats what I get for only looking at the actors...
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I've never seen a Uwe Boll movie...there must be SOME reason for that, right?
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Dude could be a big star, who picks his projects a couple of chimps??? Sorry not fair to chimps.
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That sounds so bad, I almost want to see it. I will program the old Tivo to record it when it pops onto the HBO next month. Sweet!
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That many of the "epic" fight scenes happen in the dark and/or rain and there is shaky-cam closeup footage that people complained made it hard to see what was going on. Fortunately it made the rubber suits harder to recognize.
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spankster. they make up for it in tax write offs and residuals from the film. its like the goddamn producers, regardless of the quality of the film. fuck uwe boll
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I've been waiting for this to come out for a loooong time. I've never expected some great film, just a wacky B picture with some favorite actors thrown in. Looking forward to it! Hail King Burt Reynolds! That along is worth seeing it on the big screen no matter how much it might suck or not!
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uwe boll is still terrible though, don't get me wrong!
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GOTTA EAT! and apparently... so did the rest of the cast. who the fuck reads a script and sees the name UWE FUCKING BOLL and thinks its a good idea to audition....? Ewe Bull? sounds like a gender confused farm animal to me.
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Uwe Boll must be some kind of genius when it comes to making these kinds of pictures. I'm with Lornsorrow King Burt is a must-see... I can't wait
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The guy has acting chops(See "Boogie Nights."). He just needs a good vehicle and the right director.
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Shocked.
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ALL OF HIS MOVIES FUCKING SUCK DONKEY BALLZ!!
I mean, I haven't seen a single movie of his that I have at least slightly enjoyed. This fucker should be blacklisted from the movies. -
Just to clarify, Uwe is pronounced "Ooh-vay".
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Anyone have a link to the last review on here of this movie that involved the term "exploding cleavage". I'm dying to know who's cleavage was bursting out of their shirt that much. Leelee? Davies? Hmmm...
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this things gonna be a laugh riot!
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He must have a vault full of video or film of all of these people doing something suspect and/or illegal like J Edgar Hoover.
I mean, usually movies like this are full of people you've never heard of but I recognise all of these names. -
I seriously can't get enough of these movies of games that came out years ago. Bloodrayne? Alone in the Dark? Is Boll collaborating with Lucasarts to make Full Throttle next? How about a movie of Forgotten Worlds? I spent a lot of quarters on that weird fucker at the campground I went to as a kid. and then, next summer, Mickey Rourke is...Altered Beast. rise from your gwaves indeed.
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...compared to Ulli Lommel.
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I think it's somehow become the hip thing in Hollywood to say that you've been in a Uwe Boll film. It is now a rite of passage...like losing your virginity...or killing a lion...or ordering steak and potatoes at a raw bar...
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I won't believe it until I see it with my own eyes.
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Dungeon Siege is one of her Favorite games, that Regnum online and Sacred. Oy vey!
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Jan 10, 2008 11:50:50 PM CST
OKAY. HOW DO JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS AND LEELEE SOBIESKI
by bringingsexyback
sign up for this? I don't fucking get it. Do they actually want "Film by Uwe Boll" on their resume? Especially Leelee, she's still a fox. WTF
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Not only is the casting baffling, them signing up is even more so. Damn, it's like a nightmare.
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in the next Indiana Jones? Cause if he missed out on that and instead got this.....OUCH!
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is probably Burts.
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Does anyone else think Robert Urich was seriously channeling Burt Reynolds in ICE PIRATES? It was uncanny at moments.
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Is there some confusion here? John Rhys-Davies is not Jonathan Rhys Meyers. JRD is Gimli and the voice of Treebeard from LOTR and JRM is Henry 8th from Tudors. JRM was not in ITNOTK:ADST
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This is often the kind of movie featuring Sci-Fi Channel rejects, Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Kal Penn and some Playboy Playmates.
BTW, looking at the trailers and it's obvious that Jason Statham just doesn't work for this kind of "fantasy epic." It's like getting Harvey Keitel and Joe Pesci in the roles of wise, ancient wizards.
Somewhere Uwe Boll is counting the millions from his producers and lining up to make Sudoko: The Movie and Tekken with Hulk Hogan as Heihachi. -
Must've been that "based on a role-playing game" scent. I'd beg Hollywood to quit wasting time and money trying to fool us with half-baked LOTR knockoffs, but what's the point?Keep in mind, this film was made BEFORE the Writers' Strike.
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That's who I meant. Davies.
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In the Middle Name of the King's Cousin Twice Removed: Siege Harder
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Please Hollywood actors, kill a lion instead. It's way cooler. I want to see Kristiana Loken fight a lion.
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He's not nearly as egregious as studio hacks like shawn levy or the shankman. Uwe's just a mediocre experimental filmmaker "attempting" to make narrative films. Having said all this, I'm still anxiously awaiting dungeon siege
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I really can't figure out how he is getting any work at all. Any eight year old can dream up crap like he has, and they can usually do it better. That casting is some of the worst I have ever seen. I seriously cannot believe they decided to make Burt Reynolds a king. Like out of thousands of dstinguished, well aged actors, some fucking ass clown thought, "Hey let's get the dude from Smokey and the Bandit!" Lame. Is anyone surprised by this? When I first saw the advertisement I figured it was some direct to DVD release. I have a request to other talkbackers. If you know of any way to reach Uwe Boll, please let me know. Yeah I know that sounds totally idiotic and it is nearly 99% probable that it will not make any difference at all, but I will just feel better knowing my hateful words may someday reach that joke's door. Perhaps we could start another strike that Uwe Boll be banned into the center of the planet.
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You know it to be true
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He'd be better off.
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Dude, I think your theory is spot on. Imagine a group of actors sitting around drinking and comparing horror stories about their worst career moments. One person just sits back taking it in and then says: "That ain't shit. I was in an Uwe Boll movie." Game fucking over!
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I mean, really, what did you expect?
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Sure, I will watch another film at the multiplex and then sneak in to see this afterwards as a double feature . . . but this sounds like a "must-see" experience that will not last long on the big screen.
One day, I want to be able to tell my grandchildren that I saw a Uwe Boll film in the cinema and watch their eyes light up in disgusted awe. -
And a lot of beers
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So her agent must be the worst agent in Hollywood that she can't seem to get better stuff than this or the Pacinoawful 88 minutes...
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Jan 11, 2008 2:16:53 AM CST
^^^^^ i totally agree with poster above, get stoned, drunk..
by bongo123
grab yer mates and go have a laugh at this
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Statham will never live that line (it's in the appalling trailer) or this film down. Jesus! Liotta is a respectable actor - he must've done this for the booze money and I can respect that (a man needs to get pissed once in a while). I feel sorry for Reynolds though, poor fella can barely walk anymore (sporting injuries) he must have to accept whatever comes along.
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... in the future there will be film festivals dedicated to the work of one Dr. Boll.
Really I'm not joking. The guy is so bad that he's going to develop an odd cult following for his films. -
This is a plant...this movie cant be that good that it belongs in dvd 2nd hand bins...
its uwe boll, its existence should be removed from the face of the planet -
Gotta admit I have a soft spot for this kind of DTV fodder; drink a few beers, eat some chilli and rip the shit out of schlock with some mates, plenty o' laffs.
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You said it, Uwe Boll is a fantastic cocksucker! All the major studio heads go round and let him suck the chrome off their trailer hitches. In return, he directs again and again! Too bad he gets paid in baby batter instead of cash..
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So bad it actually sucks all oxygen from a room= Uwe Boll. This is an important distinction, geeks, and one that should be well remembered. uwe Boll aspires to reach the dramatic level of Leprechaun in space or Pumpkinhead 4.
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but it sounds like they made an even suckier movie out of it.
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At Bifff and we had the same reaction of the crowd. The best part Uwe was in the theatre. There was this Q&A after the film and he started to get angry because of the questions asked.
And yeah this guy takes himself very seriously. -
Jan 11, 2008 5:26:29 AM CST
Is it in Statham's contract that he has to kick down a door
by dingbatty
in every film he does? Kicking a Medieval oak door would destroy his leg.
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So... evil is a snail? I think tomorrow a lot of people who went to see this are gonna want to gouge their eyes from their heads. If ANYONE reads this and still thinks seeing this movie is a good idea, PLEASE don't waste your money, go see "No Country For Old Men" or "There Will Be Blood" instead! Even if you've already seen 'em!
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There's no other way to explain Postal, is there?
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Jan 11, 2008 6:59:24 AM CST
Jarv, this could have been a modern Beastmaster type movie
by just pillow talk
We need one of those.
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I posted sometimes before that nobody should see that SHIT!Uwe Boll is a terrible director(you know that).He is getting some patriotic love(!)lately here in Germany for standing up to Hollywood and some shit like that!His next movie is called SEED and it is a slasher movie(dont see it either)!Right now he is filming FARCRY with Till Schweiger(you know whats up).He gets filmfounding from tax-money(which no taxpayer has any control over as who gets what)and some private filmfounding from investors who know his movies dont make any money and they can write off the lost money to get tax paybacks(in Germany we have a really bad tax system).So he has some money to hire some actors with known names and thinks he is pulling of some CINEMATIC MASTERPIECES!He has a feud going with Bernd Eichinger(big time producer,the Perfume,The Ghosthouse,Name of the Rose)and thinks he makes better movies!So please my fellow TB`s dont support any of his SHIT!
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I like his movies for fun action movies with great actors. He must have pictures on all of them doing something wrong.
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like when answers his mobile phone and you hear his side of a conversation with Christian Slater, or when he calls Tara Reid unprofessional and untalented because she wouldn't do a scene topless, or when he compares his ending to ALONE IN THE DARK to something David Lynch might do. This guy is amazing, so this will be a must-rent.
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see this film pirated if your curiosity gets the better of you, but please don't give this mess any money, you'll be doing the movie industry a favor.
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I'm disappointed to hear that he's doing a Uwe Boll movie. I saw "Already Dead" recently and thought it was really good. I hoped that Til was going to move onto better things. Looks like I was wrong.
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his new movie "Keinohrhasen"is no.1 for 2 weeks now and most of his movies were too!I simply dont get it.Boll must have some magic powers!BTW,was anyone of the AICN stuff at the BOX event Boll set up?
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he's a fucking clown but this movie looked like it tops his others as the worst film ever. He is the luckiest man on Earth to get to work with all of these great actors, its a shame that more deserving people dont get the same priviledge.
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Jan 11, 2008 8:44:27 AM CST
none of his movies make any money. why was this movie advertised
by bmacsmith
none of his movies ever make any money, and yet they decide to greenlight another one AND spend money advertising it? i dont understand this. I heard its just a way for his German masters to get out of paying taxes.
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Jan 11, 2008 9:35:28 AM CST
Hey. Harry, I thought there was a moritorium on Boll reviews.
by uncapie
What gives, Mr. Mooney?
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what?
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If Bowel Movement is having a war with the producer of Perfume (the most expensive German movie ever, unless you account for inflation then Metropolis would probably win). Then that producer is getting his ass handed to him on a schnitzel platter by a wee boy dressed in his best laderhozen. Purfume was an amazing movie but was only shown in like 1 theater a state here. In the Name of the Bowel Movement is going to be as big IF NOT BIGGER then D-Wars over here. Fuck it may make Daddy Day Camp numbers. Also is it me or does Bucket List almost look like Bowel directed it? Can't wait for Postel. Hopefully he'll get the rights to Parappa the Rappa and somehow get Eminem to star, i can actually see that happening.
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They released the 4 hour movie this was suppose to be. Hopefully we'll get a DC kind of like Kingdom of Heaven.
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Who the fuck would even waste their time going to see a crapfest like this and expect anything different from Bol?
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actually makes this film look like it's worth seeing.. Ah, the magic of quick edits and a soaring soundtrack...
I thought it was funny that there's not even one glimps of King Burt and only a quick flash of Matt Lillard's character.. This might be worth checking out on Netflix just out of curiousity's sake... -
But Uwe keeps on buying rights to Videogames!I wonder when he will do a Goldeneye movie?
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who think any movie with a unicorn, a sword, and some lightning bolt spells = the next Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
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Hi, I'm Lang the Cat
(Hi, Lang)
I, too, have seen an Uwe Boll film once. I understand your pain. I want to find Boll to beat an hour and a half of my life back out of him. I would rather have spent my money having a martial arts master repeated kick me in the groin for the same amount of time. My son asked if we could stop at the market so he could buy some steel wool to clean his eyes. I do not fault the actors for taking the money, but didn't anyone warn them? Could the money have been that good? Couldn't they just have slept with Woody Allen or Penny Marshall to get into a better film? Was Joe Esterhaus too busy to use them for Showgirls II: The Burning Crusade? Is this the result of Joel Schumacher touching you in a previous film and forcing you wear latex with nipples (or was that just George Clooney, and notice he has not done a film with Boll)? Can't we all just follow the sage advice of Nancy Reagan and just say no? Follow the twelve steps:
1. Don't see a Boll Film
2. Tell your local theater not to show a Boll film.
3. Tell your friends of the horror of watching a Boll film.
4. Never drink too much while a Boll film is in release, you might wake up in the theater with one.
5. Write your favorite actors and warn them about Boll.
6. Donate to the Holocaust Museum in your neighborhood and ask them to protest Boll Films (just in case he is using Nazi gold to fund them).
7. Spend all your free money on good DVDs while Boll films are in release.
8. Write to cable channels, especially the Sci-fi channel and ask them to stop the madness!
9. Write to Boll in hopes that he will use his amazing Production powers for good and not for directing (perhaps he could expiate his sins by getting the next Terry Gilliam film produced).
10. When a Boll film begins to look good to you, run into heavy traffic.
11. If you make it past traffic, inject heroin.
12. If you find yourself in the theater despite all of the above, quickly engage in the most degrading sex with the person next to you possible, you will regret it less.
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Send that to Boll`s Homepage or E-Mail and he will surely challenge you to an Boxing match!Then KILL HIM!
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No US distributor would pick it up for the longest time. I guess the power of Boll finally compelled some assclowns to show this disaster. I'll rent it and get high and laugh my ass off.
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I mean, really - the title alone is a stink-warning. I saw the poster a lobby. In less than half a second, I was thinking it was a sequel to Bloodrayne. are these actors so hard up for cash, or are they seduced by some kind of hypnosis / wizardry?
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I think you might be on to something there. It would be like the next best thing to having Ed Wood on your resume. Pretty soon we're gonna start seeing really big name (but eccentric) actors like Johnny Depp taking huge pay-cuts to star in the latest Boll-offerings. It's probably akin to walking across coals or some shit.
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It is DTV here in Germany,maybe it is not out in the States yet(lucky you)!
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On DVD with a 6-pack of beer. The trailer almost had me in tears.
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...so Uwe's doing something right. And by "something right," of course I mean he's doing everything WRONG, and you really can't fake that kind of ineptitude, which is what makes it classic cinema. I'll be seeing this ASAP in theaters because this is the kind of movie you WANT to see with an unruly, shit-talking crowd. And, naturally, lots of illicit substances in the bloodstream. There is simply no way to beat a bona fide Boll video game adaptation with BURT REYNOLDS as a medieval king!
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Sir Uwe, your tradition continues...
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...if no one said it yet
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Unfortunately, he cutoff well below my weight class when setting up his bouts. Even though I am a bit older than he is, I think I might have been able to get at least one good shot in and I know I can take a punch.
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maybe we just need a Lang The Cat Boxtraining montage with some CINEMATIC gold in it and I am sure you can take him out!If not,me and other TB`s jump him from behind!
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He cinematic 'career' so far is a majestic puddle of piss. Rock on Uwe, you demented, artless thug!
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Still even if I was in my best shape, I still would be in the Super Heavy Weight range and Boll is a Middle Weight. Now, if I wait for him to pass under me, I could drop down crushing him. That would be a plan. Sorry, but he only wanted to fight the little guys. Now if we could get Bolo Yeung (short, but huge) to badmouth Boll, then it might be a fair fight.
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This ass clown is the poster child for stricter immigration laws! Mojoman
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chant with me folks!Bolo would give him his PSYCHO"I HATE YOU VAN DAMME LOOK"and waste his ass!
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...but it looks like Liotta is wearing a black leather jacket over a black button down shirt and black pants. In a medieval fantasy! It's like he wandered over from the Goodfellas set by mistake.
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And yes, Liotta is sporting pseudo-hip stage magician's attire through much of the movie. For the rest of it, he is dressed as Liberace.
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it looks like he got burned after having some terrible acne...he has no lips! hmmm
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Stop letting this man make movies. Especially video game movies as he seems to be on a crusade to make the very idea of them a complete joke in Hollywood.
I still maintain a great movie can be made and be based off of a video game. Two things will have to happen though:
1) The original video game has to have been a GOOD one and, even more importantly, the movie story needs to actually follow the video game one (the video game was a success for a reason).
2) Uwe Boll would have to be kept as far away from the project as humanly possible. -
Shows how little we care when I think no-one noticed "Siege" was spelt incorrectly in the title for this article ...
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They should fight about it.
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Like, he has the combined powers of Golan, Globus, AND Albert Pyun all wrapped up in a Teutonic shell that not even David Hasslehoff could top. But where's Jurgen? Isn't he contractually required to be in any Uwe Boll film? I can't wait for the Uwe Boll re-imagining of Dolemite.
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Just rent/purchase *Boogie Nights* if you want to see Burt stretch his acting chops.
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Is it the same Brian White from *The Shield* and currently *Moonlight*? He'd make a great Blade; him of Michael Jai White...as I've always said...
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I can't believe they did poor Tavon like that, I started despise that white trash douchebag Shane and his whore wife Mara afterwards. -
They brought us some of the best movies ever made from Revenge of the Ninja to the Dudikoff American Ninja movies to Death Wish 3 to Kinjite: Forbidden Secrets to Missing in Action 1 & 2. Boll will never make any movie nearly as good as those.
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"In fact, this movie had a real lack of dungeons and sieges." Jubba I salute thee.
As for the film, I'm hoping for a scene that eclipses the "sex scene" from Alone in the Dark. You know the one. It happens OUTTA NOWHERE with no lead up and '7 Seconds' playing in the background. Hands down the best contemporary film sequence of all time. -
After all they gave us a singing and dancing Christopher Walken playing Puss 'n' Boots. And without them there would be no Chuck Norris jokes.
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approached me the other day about wanting to see this. "I like medieval movies, and I like Jason Statham." Then I explained to him about Boll's other movies (giving a lot of detail about the only one I've watched all the way through, "House of the Dead". He lost interest fast. lol I didn't realize Boll actually directed the Bloodrayne sequel. It was on SciFi a month ago or so.
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