Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

Based on everything I’m hearing... nope.

I hope these two reviews are wrong. I hope the word of mouth I’ve heard from several people working on the film is wrong. I hope the movie at least fulfills the task of making Aliens and Predators seems threatening again. Look, I hated the Shane Salerno script enough that my review got Fox’s legal department all twitchy, but we heard afterwards that they weren’t using the Salerno script “for a variety of reasons.”

Based on the trailers, though, and these reviews, I’d say that was a big fat lie, because it looks to me like a shitload of Salerno’s script has survived to the final film. And if that’s the case, then there’s little hope for this film, because that was one of the worst scripts I’ve read in the last few years.

At any rate, we’ll know tomorrow. Here’s a quick reaction first:

I just got home from screening AVP-R and I must say I am disappointed at some things, but overall I enjoyed it.

The movie, which has a short runtime, tries to pack most of the action into the last half of the movie. Yes, there are some deaths in the first half, but there is no sense of direction. We see girlfriend issues, people talking about life being hard, blah, blah, blah… It just doesn't make you feel for the humans. But who cares about that right? We all want to see gore and action, which I'm glad to say is the movie's strong point.

I have to admit, the action sequences in this movie have topped the first one by a long shot, but if you've seen the red-band trailer, then you already know what's going to happen before it occurs on-screen. This is what made this aspect of the film a little disappointing, but it wasn't enough to ruin or take away from the experience. That was left to the acting…

There are only two characters that are even worth paying attention to, because all the rest of them just stand there and say "Are you okay?", or, "Something's wrong here…" I mean, come on, that's just ridiculous. I hate to say it, but there are some better dialogue sequences in the first AVP film. The wooden dialogue, just like the little bit of background on each character, hinders the likeability factor for the humans. I didn't really care if they succeeded.

But that really doesn't matter does it? They just stand in the way of the main attraction. Most of us just want to see the Predator and the Aliens fighting it out, and hopefully one of them will emerge victorious… right? I have to say it delivers on the promise of action, but if you're looking for resolution, then you won't find it here. It won't leave anyone arguing who won the battle royal (like the first film), and once again, if you have seen the red-band trailer then you can almost guess what happens at the end ten minutes before you get there.

In all, this movie was fun. Not great, but it was worth watching. If you're a fan of either series, you'll enjoy it. Just look past the wooden acting and watch it for its true purpose; two alien species battling it out.

If you use this review, you can call me Frizz.

And here’s a more detailed reaction, and this is the one that really fills me with dread. This guy seems to have reeeeally wanted this to work, and his disappointment is palpable:

First time reviewer . . . will try to keep the spoilers down, but really, you won't care.

Remember Alien?

You know, that sci-fi flick where that spider thing grabs onto the guys face, and then later this thing bursts out of his chest and runs off? And you never really saw the alien, and the tension just kept building and building till the end?

And remember Predator? That kick-ass action movie with Arnold, the guy who played Apollo in Rocky, and Jesse The Body Ventura with the coolest gun EVER? And they were being hunted by this thing in the jungle that could make itself invisible and shot a laser cannon, and left skinned bodies hanging everywhere?

Yeah, those movies were awesome. I'm sure all you guys remember them.

The Strause Brothers, however, apparently have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. Which is pretty unfortunate since they were SUPPOSED to be directing Alien vs Predator: Requiem . . . turns out they were raping everyone in the theatre, taking their money, and stomping on babies as they ran away before the credits rolled. That's about what this movie felt like . . . watching babies getting stomped on. It's a horrible mess that you can't look away from, can do nothing about, and you know in your heart is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

It's almost like they were giving a sophomore english class book report on all the previous movies, but they just read the backs of the DVD cases instead of actually WATCHING them.

We start off right where the last AVP ended (and, for the record, I enjoyed that one . . . didn't love it, but it was definitely watchable and had some moments). The hybrid Predalien has just burst out of the dead Predator, and it runs off. About three seconds later, it's a full-blown Alien with dreadlocks . . . and right there is the problem that plagues the whole movie: NOTHING is properly developed.

Not one single character matters in this movie. They show up, they say exactly what their cliche demands, and then they're gone. A jock actually says, as seriously as possible: "we need guns" . . . in the convenience store . . . standing next to the gun rack. I'm pretty sure the entire audience isn't supposed to laugh their ass off while the people on screen are supposed to be terrified. Also, I think this is the most daylight an Alien has ever been in . . . and it is NOT scary.

What surprised me a bit, though, was how uselessly mean-spirited this movie is. ***SPOILER*** For example, a father and sun on a hunting trip find the downed spaceship with the Alien in it. Naturally, this allows all the facehuggers the Predators kept on their ship to escape (why the Predators had these things on the ship, I'm afraid we'll never know), and both the kid and the dad get an alien muzzle. Just leaving it at that would have been creepy, but later when the kid wakes up, he watches his dad die, and then we see the KID have his chest turned inside out. Now, in a GOOD movie, we would have had some relationship with the kid, and actually CARED that his torso now has a giant hole in it . . . but we don't. His entire screen time had to be less than 2 minutes. The scene was neither shocking nor cool . . . it was just there. Remember Newt? Cared about her, right? Felt nervous when she was gonna get eaten by the bitch? Thought so. If you're gonna kill a kid, at least let us learn the little fuckers name!

Now, about the Predalien . . . ugh. It really does look like they took an alien, gave it a weave, and glued some fangs on the side of it's mouth. That is, it looked like that when I could SEE the damn thing. It got almost no special treatment or time, and when it was fighting a Predator, all you could see were dreadlocks whipping around . . . couldn't tell who was who or what they were doing.

Oh, and ***SPOILER*** it can lay multiple alien embryos into human bodies through it's mouth. I literally yelled 'What the fuck!?' in the theatre. Fuck the alien eggs, it just puts 5 of the worms directly into already pregnant women, and they burst out about 3 minutes later. This means we get shots of dead pregnant women with burst stomachs in a paternity ward, and one live 'birth.' This, like the father and son, is over and done with so quickly it doesn't even register. Like I said, pointlessly mean.

And don't think you'll at least get to see some good Alien on Predator action . . . you know, like the word VERSUS would otherwise mean in a title. The total time with both of them onscreen couldn't have been more than 5 minutes . . . and it was pretty weak.

So, basically what I'm saying is this very well might be the worst film of the year . . . worse than 'Hitman' . . . YES, WORSE THAN THAT. There's one, ONE cool death, but I'll leave that alone for anyone who finds themselves trapped watching this waste of celluloid. No tension, no buildup, no payoff, no point. Go see 'Sweeney Todd' again, I guarantee you'll have a better time.

Hope that wasn't too much rambling, but yeah . . . this thing pissed me off.

If you guys use this, call me Toulon.