Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

This is why I love my e-mail inbox. Because sometimes you click over and there’s something like this or the Elston Gunn article I’ll publish later today, and you remember that the best moments at AICN are the ones where you get to just share giddy love of movies with your friends.

I’ve been publishing Neill Cumpston for a long time now, seems like... at least since MATRIX RELOADED... and he continues to be one of my favorite reviewers. I’m glad to see he’s gainfully employed now, too. Maybe this will keep him off the oxycontin.

Beware of some spoilers, but don’t worry about having a beat-for-beat breakdown ruin anything for you.

And thanks, Neill. With INDY 4 and IRON MAN and Will Smith playing superhero and Heath’s crazy Joker all coming next year, I hope we hear from you again sooner rather than later...

I got to see Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit two weeks ago. We’ve been on double shifts at Wetzel’s Pretzels because we’re selling these goddamn frosting and cinnamon pretzels that are supposed to look like a snowman waving at you and guess what all our retarded customers like biting the heads off of?

Also, the “snowmen” don’t look like snowmen – they look like fat babies that can stand up and wave, and that someone has spooged on (the frosting).

But Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit was the perfect movie for me to get to see, because now every time one of our swamp-ass customers comes in and wants a Sal-Tee the Snowman I can imagine the Cloverfield monster biting their goddamn heads off.

And yes, in the movie, the Cloverfield monster bites off some fucking heads. Only you get to see it from a way you don’t normally get to see heads getting bitten off, so basically the movie – which I’m just going to call Cloverfield for the rest of this review because typing out that long-ass title is pee-hole – basically makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass.

The movie starts off really shitty though, with all this stuff about a young couple that’s in love, and she’s hot and he’s hot and I’m all like, “Who’s filming the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue?”

But then it’s like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove.

Things just don’t get scary – they get FUCKED UP. And I mean fucked up like the whole movie’s shot through a hand-held video camera, so you feel like this is happening to you (apparently, the video camera was recovered by the government, so at the beginning of the movie, when you’re told this, you think, “Man, something bad must’ve happened to whoever filmed this”, and you imagine a lot of shit, but then when you get to what ACTUALLY HAPPENS you’re like, “Fuck you, imagination, this was ten times worse than I thought” and then to get back at you your imagination makes you think about 2 Girls 1 Cup if Rhea Perlman and Edith Bunker were the girls)

So here’s the story: a monster attacks News York City.

But that’s not the fucked-up part.

The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.

Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that’s getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin’ ‘Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath and a Whole Bunch of Cock-fucks Running Their Mouths.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it’s gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn’t stay away for long, if you know what I mean.

And then – and THEN – and I mean, at this point, the movie’s like a speed freak yelling at you, as if the giant monster and the things crawling away weren’t bad enough, there’s a third, even more messed-up thing the monster can do to a person, which I won’t spoil ‘cuz it made me kind of sick and the people on this website are the kind of assholes who’d come in to the W.P. at two minutes before I have to clean the cinnamon nets and order ten Sal-Tees so fuck everyone, so maybe you’ll see it and get sick and not want a Sal-Tee and I can go the fuck home.

Also, I don’t know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out.

So, here’s my final thoughts:

The good: Monster fucking everything sideways, creepy-crawly things fucking everything that’s still not fucked, indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they can talk about coffee or e-mails or their feelings.

The bad: Smarty-pants story-telling shit where the video you’re watching has un-recorded bits where you see the hero’s relationship a few weeks back, before the monster shows up. Except then there’s this final shot (from the flashback section) that’s actually kind of awesome ‘cuz it’s this very sweet, sunshine-y shot of something, except at that point you’re thinking some really bad thoughts about what the shot represents.

The shitty: I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights after I saw this, where we both had shirts off and he was helping me do sit-ups. So fuck this movie for that part.