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Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. This is why I love my e-mail inbox. Because sometimes you click over and there’s something like this or the Elston Gunn article I’ll publish later today, and you remember that the best moments at AICN are the ones where you get to just share giddy love of movies with your friends. I’ve been publishing Neill Cumpston for a long time now, seems like... at least since MATRIX RELOADED... and he continues to be one of my favorite reviewers. I’m glad to see he’s gainfully employed now, too. Maybe this will keep him off the oxycontin. Beware of some spoilers, but don’t worry about having a beat-for-beat breakdown ruin anything for you. And thanks, Neill. With INDY 4 and IRON MAN and Will Smith playing superhero and Heath’s crazy Joker all coming next year, I hope we hear from you again sooner rather than later...
I got to see Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit two weeks ago. We’ve been on double shifts at Wetzel’s Pretzels because we’re selling these goddamn frosting and cinnamon pretzels that are supposed to look like a snowman waving at you and guess what all our retarded customers like biting the heads off of? Also, the “snowmen” don’t look like snowmen – they look like fat babies that can stand up and wave, and that someone has spooged on (the frosting). But Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit was the perfect movie for me to get to see, because now every time one of our swamp-ass customers comes in and wants a Sal-Tee the Snowman I can imagine the Cloverfield monster biting their goddamn heads off. And yes, in the movie, the Cloverfield monster bites off some fucking heads. Only you get to see it from a way you don’t normally get to see heads getting bitten off, so basically the movie – which I’m just going to call Cloverfield for the rest of this review because typing out that long-ass title is pee-hole – basically makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass. The movie starts off really shitty though, with all this stuff about a young couple that’s in love, and she’s hot and he’s hot and I’m all like, “Who’s filming the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue?” But then it’s like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove. Things just don’t get scary – they get FUCKED UP. And I mean fucked up like the whole movie’s shot through a hand-held video camera, so you feel like this is happening to you (apparently, the video camera was recovered by the government, so at the beginning of the movie, when you’re told this, you think, “Man, something bad must’ve happened to whoever filmed this”, and you imagine a lot of shit, but then when you get to what ACTUALLY HAPPENS you’re like, “Fuck you, imagination, this was ten times worse than I thought” and then to get back at you your imagination makes you think about 2 Girls 1 Cup if Rhea Perlman and Edith Bunker were the girls) So here’s the story: a monster attacks News York City. But that’s not the fucked-up part. The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan. Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that’s getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin’ ‘Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath and a Whole Bunch of Cock-fucks Running Their Mouths. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it’s gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn’t stay away for long, if you know what I mean. And then – and THEN – and I mean, at this point, the movie’s like a speed freak yelling at you, as if the giant monster and the things crawling away weren’t bad enough, there’s a third, even more messed-up thing the monster can do to a person, which I won’t spoil ‘cuz it made me kind of sick and the people on this website are the kind of assholes who’d come in to the W.P. at two minutes before I have to clean the cinnamon nets and order ten Sal-Tees so fuck everyone, so maybe you’ll see it and get sick and not want a Sal-Tee and I can go the fuck home. Also, I don’t know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out. So, here’s my final thoughts: The good: Monster fucking everything sideways, creepy-crawly things fucking everything that’s still not fucked, indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they can talk about coffee or e-mails or their feelings. The bad: Smarty-pants story-telling shit where the video you’re watching has un-recorded bits where you see the hero’s relationship a few weeks back, before the monster shows up. Except then there’s this final shot (from the flashback section) that’s actually kind of awesome ‘cuz it’s this very sweet, sunshine-y shot of something, except at that point you’re thinking some really bad thoughts about what the shot represents. The shitty: I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights after I saw this, where we both had shirts off and he was helping me do sit-ups. So fuck this movie for that part.

Readers Talkback
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  • Dec. 17, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    It's a whale

    by MC-909

    A giant muthafuckin' whale I tells ya.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST


    by Nordling

    Thank you, Neill.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:03 p.m. CST


    by dirkadirkadirka

    pussy that eats YOU out

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:03 p.m. CST

    Think its a lunatic

    by Bigstadder

    But Neill's got balls (love his use of langauge). Should be interesting...

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:04 p.m. CST

    Cumpston provides the best reviews

    by decypher44

    Neill, awsome as always. If they don't use "this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out", then THEY fail.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:04 p.m. CST


    by Lamerz

    Will it be good, or will it suck?

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:04 p.m. CST


    by classyfredblassy

    Is that dude snorting crazy glue? Any normal person see it at this screening that could tell us about it?

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:06 p.m. CST


    by theisson

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:08 p.m. CST

    Way to go, AICN...

    by Pennsy

    Truly. Can't. Wait.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:08 p.m. CST

    To quote:

    by TrumpyEatsPotatoes

    "...the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove." <br> I've read that sentence six times and I still can't comprehend it. <br>Doesn't mean it's not good, though.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    Joe Bob is that you?

    by rhett beavers

    Either Joe Bob moved to El Lay or he must have not someone up and had his mutant son. Awesome review.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST


    by rhett beavers


  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:10 p.m. CST

    a pussy that eats YOU out

    by RevSam

    oh goodness yes what a concept

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:12 p.m. CST

    Terrible review

    by Dwide Shrewd

    Try actually reviewing a movie sometime in the future, rather than seeing how many cock references you can cram into your text. <P>You could do some good work if you stopped TRYING so fucking hard. You just end up sounding like a studio plant who was hired to sound hip and EVER-SO-CAREFULLY irreverent. <P>Mix in some film savvy to go with all of your hyperbole and dick jokes.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:13 p.m. CST


    by mutiny33

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:14 p.m. CST

    RE: "Is this the review of a raving lunatic?"

    by SkidMarkedUndies

    No, FuckMichaelBay, it is the review of a raving Patton Oswalt.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:16 p.m. CST


    by mutiny33


  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:17 p.m. CST

    like a pussy that eats you out

    by kafka07

    mind-blowingly awesome.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:18 p.m. CST


    by kafka07


  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:18 p.m. CST

    Going to be good

    by DDillustration

    This, and the Dark Knight The most anticipated movies of 08, thus far.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:19 p.m. CST


    by toshiro-solo

    I've missed you. For anyone unfamiliar, do a site search of his name, sit back, and behold the spectacle that is the collected reviews of Neill Cumpston. Nothing online has ever made me laugh harder than the first time I read his Matrix: Revolutions review. Seriously, if you haven't read the rest of his stuff, you're missing out.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:20 p.m. CST

    crimminay sikes

    by Bloo

    I know AICN gets new viewers every day, but comeon, Niel's a regular reviwer around here, who is as SkidMarkedUndies already pointed out, is Patton Oswalt. It's like you guys have no sense of humor or are just stupid, why does Talkback sometimes bring out the idiot in people and I don't mean the troll idot but just the plain stupid.<P>BTw I remember Niel's mom reviwed a movie once and speculation was that iwas Sarah Silverman, was it her, or someone else, I belive the review was for Pirates 2 or Spiderman 3 or something

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:20 p.m. CST

    January movies

    by MC-909

    Let's not forget this is being released in January. What were some other good January releases?

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:25 p.m. CST

    How much did J.J. Abrams pay Harry for this review?

    by Nate Champion

    I'm actually thinking that Harry plays the fucking monster, Serkis-stylie.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST


    by Dollar Bird

    I gots to get me one of them cock-punching gloves.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    I appreciate the fact he doesn't like customers...

    by The Dum Guy

    I hate 'em to.<br><br>

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    so urm when did the uni-bomber

    by palewook

    start doing reviews for aicn?

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    funniest thing about his reviews

    by waggy

    the talkbackers criticizing him when he's satirizing harry's reviews. they're like music critics are a spinal tap show.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:28 p.m. CST

    Neill rocks

    by Bob of the Shire

    Can't wait for this movie now. This review pretty much confirms the movie as awesome.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:29 p.m. CST

    (grumble) edit button (grumble)

    by waggy

    music critics AT a spinal tap show

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Is it that bad for The Rat...

    by LordEnigma

    he has to work at a freakin Starbucks now? Damn writers strike!

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:32 p.m. CST

    Cormac McCarthy

    by freerangecelt

    all hail your successor! Loved the review, and the word play!

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Fat splooged-upon babies

    by Zeke25:17

    ...will be the new AICN catchphrase. Or if not, will serve to describe many of its posters.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:46 p.m. CST


    by Pipple

    that's where they got the camera from, someone at the end of gb1

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:51 p.m. CST

    That was the best...

    by PirateEmery I've ever read. EVER.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:51 p.m. CST

    2 Girls 1 Cup = Yummy Shit!

    by VanGoghX

    Sick man... just... plain sick.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:52 p.m. CST

    neill, stop trying so hard.

    by ironic_name

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:54 p.m. CST


    by EdmundoDupont

    Really enjoyed the review. However, didn't Cloverfield receive a PG-13 rating. I'm not sure how different the MPAA rating system is to the Australian rating system, but this really doesn't seem like a review for a PG-13 film.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:58 p.m. CST

    Neil goes apeshit

    by Admiral_Benson

    I like his title better. I hope it's accurate. So can we confirm that mathew broderick is going to save everyone with fish? Thats what happens right?

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 10:58 p.m. CST

    War of the Worlds

    by enderandrew

    I know everyone only focuses on the end, but for about an hour, War of the Worlds really was incredible. The savage and raw destruction really had me reeling. It was a vicious movie. If Cloverfield can match that intensity and terror, yet finish strong, I'll be a very happy camper.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:03 p.m. CST

    Talk about cult of personality...

    by Sledge Hammer

    ..."wow he can swear, and do so while telling you absolutely nothing in his review...he's so cool. And Mad TV and King Of Queens were the bomb, yo!". Yeah, whatever.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:08 p.m. CST

    Not insightful, informative or even funny at all

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    I'm not sure what the point was of the review, I learned absolutely nothing of the film, the least he could have done was wrote an entertaining review but he didn't even do that either.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:12 p.m. CST

    I probably won't see this. Unless I hear really good things.

    by Buckys_Kick_Ass_Arm

    Just not interested.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:16 p.m. CST

    Not funny. Not informative.

    by jrbarker

    Just plain shitty. I can't believe Moriarty would run a worthless piece of shit like this "review".

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:16 p.m. CST

    but was it... AWESOME???

    by br1947

    too many words...

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:18 p.m. CST

    It's already screened

    by Bob of the Shire

    Did you not catch that wave of reviews AICN had a few days ago? The film is finished and you're just pissed because Neill's review ravaged your vagina in irreparable ways.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:19 p.m. CST

    Greatest. Review. Ever.

    by Crimson King


  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:20 p.m. CST


    by MetiphisLabs

    When are people going to stop posting that fan art speculation picture of what the monster looks like? It's not from the movie!!

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:20 p.m. CST



    am i right haters, or am i right!

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:22 p.m. CST

    subliminal homo review

    by ftlskins

    Cock, Cock-Punch,'re like the little kid in "Superbad" with a cock least he was funny. Please come out of the closet...we see you hiding behind the shoes doing sit-ups with your shirt off!!

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:24 p.m. CST

    Cue Godzilla for the sequel

    by aboriginal

    I'm getting flashes of 12 Monkeys from this dude's reviewgasm. Jeez . . . more flowery prose than a Louie Lamour novel and David "Fucking" Mamet combined. Still can't beat chocolate dipped pussy juice tho'.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:29 p.m. CST

    No wonder this guy works at....

    by Lance2769

    Wetzel Pretezel. He's sounds like an uneducated, toke smoking, skater straight out of 'Half Baked'. I bet he had his skater buddies who work the concession stand at the theatre sneak him into this 'sneek peek.' All joking aside - I can't wait to see this movie based on the 5 minute scene that was posted on this site over the weekend AND NOT based on this knucklehead's "review". Moriarty, this retarded email you got is not something you should be getting "giddy" about unless you're one of his buddies who helped sneak him in.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:36 p.m. CST

    NO movie can live up to THAT review!

    by Womb2dooM

    Brilliant! This review entertained the hell out of me and has me gagging at the chops to see this movie more then the no-advertising advertising that is, at this point, more popular then the film will ever be! Unless the entertaining review was actually correct about its brilliantness... Uh...

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:42 p.m. CST

    indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they c

    by Sir Loin

    LOL YES...die, hipsters! I'm guessing they had fashionably-toussled hair and square-framed glasses and iPhones, so the fact that the monster snacks on them is enough for me to buy a ticket. And they probably were concerned about the monster's carbon footprint. Just die already.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:46 p.m. CST

    Neill's reviews make my day.

    by ShoNuff86

    ignore the trashtalk Neill, your reviews are always welcome. "a pussy that eats you out" will never get old.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:47 p.m. CST

    I love Neill, and was excited..

    by Negator76

    ..until I read his POSITIVE review of Matrix Reloaded. I ass vomits better shit than that movie. I think I'll go back to masturbating to the Dark Knight prologue now...

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:47 p.m. CST

    sounfs a little like a live-action legend of the overfiend

    by flipster

    now that shit rocked - doubt yankee crap can compare but Cumstain perhaps can let us know - have you seen legend of the overfiend (the single movie or trilogy?) and is this close to a live-action version?

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:47 p.m. CST

    I'm so happy the monster eats annoying NY hipsters

    by Rindain

    Long live CLoverfield Whale/Lion/Voltron/Godzilla/whateveritis Monster! I hate those fucking hipsters who think the world ends past Manhattan.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:48 p.m. CST

    Fer Fuck Sakes!!!

    by sidestepper

    Hey humorless retards, why are you even here?

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:52 p.m. CST

    I'm glad the one-laptop-per-child program is taking off

    by Executor

    The only drawback is a lot more posters in talkbacks and comments who don't understand things. Maybe parody, sarcasm, and comedy will come to your country in the next food drop. But thank you for your whiny comments.<p>p.s. Great review Neill.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:52 p.m. CST

    Circle the funny parts, I'm not seeing them

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    Really, what part of that review was in any way humorous or would "make your day" by reading it? I could get more entertainment out of reading someone's Law & Order fan fiction.

  • Dec. 17, 2007, 11:56 p.m. CST


    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    You want parody, sarcasm or comedy in your review look up a man called fucking VERN. There wasn't a single thing in this review that was either funny or informative about the movie at all. Are you just buddies with this guy or what? Maybe you also find Kevin Smith movies funny too, even though they're just Wayans brothers comedies with Star Wars jokes added in. "fuck yeah saw movie about a giant pussy monster fucking up douche bags in new york, rocketsteelhelldog fuck yeah vagina" Yeah, that's amazingly hilarious material.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:03 a.m. CST

    Why don't people get this?

    by jabbayoda

    Cumpston is the anti-critic. He's entertaining first, and authoritative and informative a distant and irrelevant second. The fucks who are complaining about this review "not saying anything" are the same fucks who complain if reviewers' opinions differ from their own. Who gives a fuck what a reviewer says? Does it really make any difference? Neill is hilarious. The end.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:03 a.m. CST

    What's his appeal?

    by RobertBaron

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:24 a.m. CST

    Waggy got it right

    by jigsaw

    Maybe this isn't the best talkback to be familiarizing yourself with AICN, kiddos. This review is tits, and if you're curious of its origins, go back and read Harry's Blade 2 review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:26 a.m. CST

    "Rob, I saw it. It's apeshit."

    by Det. John Kimble

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:29 a.m. CST

    guy behind hollywood's viral marketing interview

    by robertplant

    found here pretty interesting stuff indeed!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:29 a.m. CST


    by Zozma

    didnt say...well, much of anything

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:44 a.m. CST


    by Bill Clay

    Really, is this how far this site has fallen? The incoherent ramblings of a strung-out junkie qualify know as a review?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:05 a.m. CST

    I love Wetzel's Pretzels

    by Bagheera

    Auntie Anne's can suck it.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:07 a.m. CST

    I saw it! It's...

    by AragornElfstone

    a Rambaldi monster!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:09 a.m. CST

    Pleasure, as always, to read you "Neil"...

    by fight this generation

    "It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan."<br> <br> but what of the snooty Brooklyn hipster-douchebags?!?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:11 a.m. CST

    Humorless Nerds

    by Fat and Curious

    The best parts about this review are the attempts by unfunny troglodytes to mock it. I pissed myself when I first read the words "Kick you in the balls and eat out your girlfriend". I hope the monster bears no resemblance to any mythical Japanese monsters or any other various fanboy beasts with unpronounceable names.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:12 a.m. CST

    Like a pussy that eats YOU out

    by bluebottle

    fucking classic.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:14 a.m. CST

    Here's my review.........

    by Lashlarue

    wejnwoinvcweoe;hnrf;ijwe wlwksjcvwkjnwmn kwknecwijasdc ib qwkdfwkejcnbwKC WAIJCBW;ICFPQW8UI NIYHBygbihbb iHBlj v UBOJ; g ;8ytfvcLJ H V uJHK;Ilgv LUGQDQWEDH aMNA.p,p.APCOSWUFQ<p>ekjwiefiqhei qwd9iwqehui<p>ihwebwebwegfwie fwin<p> It makes about as much sense as Neil's reviews.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:17 a.m. CST

    Ahhh that hit the spot

    by zillabeast

    I'm jazzed, now.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:20 a.m. CST

    Wait! This isn't about Voltron?

    by The Dum Guy

    My goobersnatch, I can't believe a whole-half of a year has gone by...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:22 a.m. CST

    all I want for christmas

    by palinode

    is a pussy thats eat ME out.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:22 a.m. CST

    Can anyone confirm that Neil Cumpston is actually Patton Oswalt?

    by jackprice

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:23 a.m. CST

    Neill MUST review "Teeth"...

    by fight this generation

    The vagina that chews YOU out!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:23 a.m. CST


    by MC-909

    Is the name of a festival celebrated where? <p> Wales. No shit. <p> Eff this crab shit. It's a whale.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:37 a.m. CST

    Fuckin' smart ass reviewer!

    by Poloboy

    Grow up, man. Stop with all the smart ass comments that are not clever. I could barely get thru the review. Who cares about all the pretzels, etc., just talk about the movie. Must be a young smart ass kid. I did enjoy the person who was on the panel and gave a long, but informative, review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:38 a.m. CST


    by Kingdaddy

    the FUNNIEST line I've ever read on AICN. "the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove." May be the first time I ever really thought about ROFLMAO.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:43 a.m. CST

    So if Neill is Patton...

    by fight this generation

    then one can presume Patton did some cock-punch-up work on the script?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:44 a.m. CST

    If Jay from Clerks and the fat kid from Superbad...

    by Heckles

    ...shit out a kid, and that kid wrote a movie 'review', then we get this Neil person. Still better than Harry's 25 cent review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:45 a.m. CST

    Lashlarue- now that's funny

    by Heckles


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:54 a.m. CST

    NEILL! He be illin', man!

    by Zardoz

    Sweet, sweet review as always, Neill. I know a movie will rock when it gets a positive review from him. " Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in it's ass." Pure poetry, I tell ya...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:09 a.m. CST

    Just a quick question...

    by EdmundoDupont

    Would the movie that Neill has written about really get a PG13 rating?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:11 a.m. CST

    There are two kinds of people on this talkback

    by jigsaw

    People who understand what Neill is doing, and people who should never be allowed to vote.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:14 a.m. CST


    by Derek Wildstarr

    if you don't know of the legendary reviewer neill cumpston then you must have started reading aicn yesterday. know that his reviews are satirical and yet incredibly well thought out. read what he wrote, i gained a lot from this review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:16 a.m. CST

    i understand

    by soup74

    the "joke." ive been coming to aicn since year one. its just really not that clever. i hope that neill isnt patton oswald, because i love his stand up, but this reeks of trying to hard.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:17 a.m. CST

    Oh no, the Vern wannabe is back!

    by DerLanghaarige


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:23 a.m. CST

    Hello there!

    by DocPazuzu

    And welcome to your first day on AICN! <p> Hang on... phone's ringing. <p> ..... <p> Um, it was your sense of humor calling. It told me to tell you it's over between you and to go fuck yourselves.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:33 a.m. CST

    It's not that we don't understand "the joke"...

    by Sledge Hammer's that "the joke" isn't even remotely funny to anyone with an iq above freezing point. It's just more of the same try hard predicatble fast patter too-hip bullshit that is flooding every corner of the net these days. Yeah, how very cutting edge. And the fact that people are calling this "the funniest thing I've read all day/year/EVER!" just goes to show that the sooner we become extinct as a species the better. But hey, go back and enjoy, if that's the flavour that you fuck to, I'm sure it'll be just as "cunt-poundingly awesome funny" the thirteenth time through as it was the first twelve. And hey, I think there's a back to back Pauly Shore and Carrot Top marathon on later too, so this just might be the best day ever!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:36 a.m. CST

    Apparently, Sledge...

    by DocPazuzu DON'T get the joke because the fucktards you mentioned ARE the ones Neill's making fun of. Fuck, I feel dirty and tainted just having to spell this out to you. Christ...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:38 a.m. CST

    Probably could've been a decent review if you didn't try so hard

    by ScottsWillie

    Wow, you can cuss. Do you stay up past your bedtime, look at national geographic boobies and unscrew salt shakers at resaurants, also? Man, I'd hate to run into you in a dark alley. Language like that? You have got to be one tough SOB.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:40 a.m. CST

    Hey ScottsWillie...

    by DocPazuzu's a tip: <p> Try reading the TB before actually posting.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:43 a.m. CST


    by ScottsWillie

    I'd rather get tips face to face but I do appreciate it.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:46 a.m. CST

    Did 80% of this TB arrive at the site yesterday?

    by Alonzo Mosely

    I mean for fuck's sake, you expect a few, but 80% of the people posting seem to have no clue who Cumpston is...<p> You don't have to find his shit funny, but at least realize what you are reading... I worry for the next generation of movie lovers, because apparently they are retarded...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:49 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    I didn't even bother with the Mark Twain You Fucking Asshole Awards this time around because the Mark Twain You Fucking Asshole Award factory couldn't keep up with the demand.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:51 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    I of course mean the Mark Twain You Fucking Moron Award.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:53 a.m. CST

    The Cloverfield monster...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    To get back to the movie, the monster appears to have been created by someone who found out about Whale Lice while highly stoned. Do a google seach, or look on Wiki for Whale Lice or Whale Louse and you will see the inspiration. The creature itself seems to be a mixture of whale and the more crab-like louse, while the creature has parasites that fall off, that are pretty much directly based on the whale louse... So there you go people, smoke pot while watching nature programs and you too can come up with ideas for big budget movies...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:56 a.m. CST

    I know who he is, I know what he's doing...

    by Sledge Hammer

    ...or should I say, attempting to do, I've been on this site since it was a damn newsgroup, but I don't give someone a pass just because this is their schtick, especially when that schtick is so monumentally lame and paint-by-numbers to begin with. But hey, go ahead and convince yourself that this is the height of's no wonder that the US produces the so called "comedians" that it does these days with the bar set so fucking low.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3 a.m. CST

    Doc... The Mark Twain moment was a true classic...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    piece of AICN history. A defining moment... I am still waiting for an answer as to why they cut the mice eating aliens...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:02 a.m. CST

    All that said...

    by Sledge Hammer

    ...If this is the shit you rock to, then party on. Not like it's any skin off my balls. Just don't expect me not to have my own opinion on the worth (or lack of) when it comes to this kind of schtick. Especially when I think it was so poorly and predictably done. Me, I'll take Vern's ramblings any day.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:03 a.m. CST

    Plus which...

    by Sledge Hammer's not like I had anything better to do right now anyways. I really must buy a life one day...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:04 a.m. CST

    Some of you must be new here.

    by Psyclops

    I love that there are people who are just now discovering Neill Cumpston. I feel kinda bad for the folks who were looking for any insight into CLOVERFIELD. At least you know that the movie will punch your cock.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:05 a.m. CST

    I bet its mysterious and completely full of shit.

    by SgtElias

    As soon as a read a spoiler of the "third horrible thing" the creature does to people I'll be done with this shyte till I can see it for free.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:10 a.m. CST

    Sledge Hammer

    by Alonzo Mosely

    If you are talking to me, my point was that many people in this thread don't get what Cumpston is, and that was sad, as I said, if you understand and dislike, that is fine. Personally, I think he can be hit and he can be miss... I have always ben a drinker of the Vern Kool-Aid, if you go to his website, the Ellis screen capture is my work... <p> Anyway it is late and I need to crash, wonder how many other people will come in and complain that Harry let some idiot review it who didn't give them spoilers... I imagine they are the sort of people who if you changed the channel on the TV when they were out of the room would complain that the history channel show didn't have a laugh track...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:12 a.m. CST

    This review is bullshit.......

    by godhatesyou

    What does the monster look like.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:14 a.m. CST

    I just can't understand people who come to AICN

    by Harold The Great

    and deman normal reviews. There are a shitloads of sites for that. This is review a flawless "Madness? THis is AICN!" moment.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:14 a.m. CST

    Fair enough Alonzo...

    by Sledge Hammer

    ...I can respect that, and I get the opposite side of the argument with people who don't get the gag to begin with, but there are some of us that both got it and still thought it was pretty lame, that's really all I had to say. I'm just burning time right now anyways, otherwise I doubt I'd even be in this debate.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:18 a.m. CST

    Oh, and Alonzo...

    by Sledge Hammer

    ...These sunglasses, they're really nice. Are they government issued, or do all you guys go to the same store to get them?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:21 a.m. CST

    Dear god it is 4:15 in the morning...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Why am I - a grown man using the name of a supporting character in a 80s buddy-buddy movie - having a semi-civilized discussion with a man - who is using the name of a character from an 80s comedic cop show - about a successful stand-up comedian who pretends to be a retarded guy who works at a pretzel place to post nonsense reviews on a site owned by a crazy 400lb ginger fucker...<p> My mom thought I was going to be a doctor...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:22 a.m. CST

    This movie is like a Pussy that eats YOU out!

    by BenFerris

    I'm gonna make a poster that says that quote. Its the best.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:25 a.m. CST

    Cumpston tells it like it is...and only as he can!

    by KillaKane

    A breath of fresh air (well slightly tainted by odorous farty air)- Some classic Cumpstonisms in that review. Feeling somewhat reassured that we will get to see a decent carnage quota in this flick along with the demise of a bunch of irritating NYC trendie-somethings. ;-)

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:32 a.m. CST

    It's a fair question...

    by Sledge Hammer

    ...none of us here really have the right to judge anyone or anything, do we? Internet posting is basically cosplay for computerbound geeks. Pick a name, choose a personality, and go, go, go! <p> Go, escape, as fast as you can, sleep and dream of a better world where we all have a purpose and pet monkeys are as common and easy to acquire as internet porn. If only. Ah, if only...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:34 a.m. CST

    I want to see Cumpston on with Roeper

    by Barry Egan

    the next time Roeper has AO Scott on the show. That would be an interesting show.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:35 a.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston RULES!

    by quentintarantado

    He's the best reviewer since Francois Truffaut, who later put on a wig and became Pauline Kael!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:43 a.m. CST


    by sleepyvillain

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:43 a.m. CST

    I´ve just read Neills Review: It was Awesome

    by Romoehlio

    who cares if he said nothing about the movie. it was a blast to read, like allways

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:44 a.m. CST

    Did I miss the review?

    by xSNAKEEYESx

    Because all I read was a trashy american trying to be funny and cool by using the word fuck a lot. So much so that it encouraged me to sign up even though Ive been reading this site forever. Some of the people on here are real 100% pure hateful assholes and I hope I never meet you in real life. Sad pathetic prics.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:45 a.m. CST

    and in case you were wondering...

    by xSNAKEEYESx

    ...'prics' are much worse versions of 'pricks'. No really.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:49 a.m. CST

    Well, Mr. Cumpston....

    by closeencounter

    That was pretty good. But, you're gonna have to do a lot better if you want to top your review of LOTR "The Return of King." That was the most perfect review of all time. Put every other review to shame, it did. Read it here:

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:49 a.m. CST

    That "Detailed Review"...

    by drew mcweeny

    ... that you think got "censored" was simply removed because it's 100% fanboy bullshit. Not true. Not the film. <P>The six-minute clip that was released was released AFTER that review was initially sent to AICN. Read the "review" and you'll see that they got some huge details wrong, details that have been disproven by the six-minute clip. <P>It isn't true that it was censored. It's not a scandal. It's just someone desperate to try and prank us who won't take no for an answer.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:51 a.m. CST

    Specifically PhoenixMagi...

    by drew mcweeny

    ... calm down because the review you're getting so upset about is a lie, and you fell for it.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:08 a.m. CST

    Can ya believe I mistook Cumpston for Ferguson?

    by Shermdawg

    For the life of me, I don't know why I thought Turd Ferguson was his supposed handle. (Oops.) Heh, I kept wondering "Man, why does Patton have such a hardon for Ryan Reynolds?" in the Trek talkbacks.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:13 a.m. CST

    KItty Litter Clumps ton

    by quantize

    I dont give a fuck about what you tards think is humour. That was fuckin drivel of the lowest dumbest, unfunniest order and if that was the point, it was fucking completely pointless. If retard puns involving cock and pussy are what entertains the spazmos around here then this site is fuckin doomed. A.D.D blithering for the text message generation.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:22 a.m. CST

    I "get it" it's just not funny, or entertaining.

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    Yeah, okay, he's the anti-critic critic, whatever, that's fine, except if it's not even humorous to begin with, you can't get away with ALSO being an uninformative idiot.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:23 a.m. CST

    Oh yeah

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    I did like this guys 300 review, that WAS funny, and it's entertaining idiocy matched the film it was describing, so it was also informative as well. I don't know what this is supposed to be though.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:59 a.m. CST

    Neill ... you're fuckin' insane

    by ye olde shiza

    Sounds like an important dream. Don't hold back your feelings!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:11 a.m. CST

    tha last part was funny

    by slappy jones

    i do hope this guy isn't patton oswalt though....i like patton oswalt......

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:14 a.m. CST


    by swinky

    Most of the TB'ers here came from a nude beach. I've never seen so many vaginas full of sand! <BR> And thank you to Neil for giving me several early morning smiles!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:18 a.m. CST

    Awful, awful review

    by Trazadone

    God, I stopped reading after he used the word "fuck" for the 27th time. There's a difference between using swears sparingly for emphasis and using them in every other sentence to sound "cool". Constant swearing is the sign of a stupid person. I wouldn't place any credibility in anything stated in h\is "fucking awesome" review. *sigh* what a wasted opportunity to talk about a very cool-looking project.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:20 a.m. CST

    Get a Clue, Monkey Dick, Learn How to Write a Review

    by kenichi tanaka

    who's writing these stupid ass reviews? is it me or does every first reviewer who posts it here uses the word "fuck" as every other word. AICN has become nothing more than a degenerate site with Cock Suckers and Ass Lickers thinking they can pass off their shiut as a qualified review. I have a suggestion, take some English classes and learn how to write ...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:33 a.m. CST

    So someone...

    by Tourist

    ...Pretending to be a retard pretended to enjoy it. Right on.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:58 a.m. CST

    The VOLTRON I Know Would Never Do These Things

    by LaserPants

    So clearly it must be a Robeast. (lol!)

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:18 a.m. CST

    I think (like that matters)...

    by 5-15-9

    ...that Cumpston thinks he's (or wants to be) cooler than he actually is. I mean, he's got charisma (-3INT), but that doesn't matter. A person who writes a review is supposed to make the movie the focal point and not their own 3rd grade humor. You can keep my two pennies.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:19 a.m. CST

    Good times

    by Darth Busey

    I haven't seen a good monster fucks shit up movie in quite some time. Hoping this delivers.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:38 a.m. CST

    Oh my goodness! A giant pussy is the monster!

    by IAmMrMonkey!

    This is just awesome! It's every (straight) man's greatest dream and fear all rolled into one! And, on some level, it's quite ironic that the very thing which created us is now destroying us!<p>At university, my flatmates made up this thing called 'the phantom pussy' when we were stoned. We used to say that it was like a facehugger from Aliens and that it was creeping around the dorm waiting to clamp onto our face. You could really freak someone out by making a squelching sound and whispering 'It's coming to get you!' when they were wasted.<p>Thanks JJ! Thanks for bringing us THE PHANTOM PUSSY MOVIE! Only bigger!<p>I don't want it to eat me out.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:42 a.m. CST

    Hells yes.

    by Deathpool

    Always a good thing to get a Cumpston review, fuck the pretentious asshole haters.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:47 a.m. CST

    A pussy that eats you out

    by Banky the Hack

    Aren't those indiginous to the country of Rand McNally?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:48 a.m. CST

    This is a plant, regardless of the use of 'fuck' and 'pussy'

    by performingmonkey

    I don't care what anyone says, this is a plant. Either that or the guy hasn't even seen the movie (nothing that's said in the 'review' couldn't have been said by any fanboy here). I mean, we even know what the other thing the monster does to people is, it's in the trailer ffs, when that woman's expanding and obviously gonna explode. Jesus W H Christ on a crutch petting a rabbit in a hutch, THIS GUY IS BEING PAID TO STIR YOU PEOPLE UP!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:51 a.m. CST


    by DURANGO66

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:55 a.m. CST

    That`s an asskicking,fistfucking,ballsucking...

    by travis-dane

    skullfucking,anusliking,analraping, cocksucking,pussyjuicing,deeppenatrating, horsecocking,samendrinking and bullshiting review!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:05 a.m. CST

    Calm down douch bags..

    by Ironmuskrat

    Good Lord, is everyone on this site new? I can't believe so many people haven't read a Neil Cumpston review before. <p> Don't worry you angst filled crybabies, you will get your "real" reviews soon enough.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:11 a.m. CST

    Is this the same guy.......

    by godhatesyou

    ...that said it was like Star Wars?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:24 a.m. CST

    Yank this article AICN

    by Yeti

    you've been had.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:27 a.m. CST


    by Neon Killer

    really enjoyed reading words turded out of a giant spider anus sent from outer space to inseminate the english language with diseased brain spores! but in a good way...that has to be THE weirdest, most retarded review of all time, bar none, but there's something quite elegant, almost poetic about this man's work. don't you think? I'm quite beguiled!....

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:29 a.m. CST


    by just pillow talk

    How have they "been had"?<p>It's Neil Cumpston.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:30 a.m. CST

    Holy shit, the tools in this Talk-Back . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . are taking over. Post after post taking Cumpston seriously and calling him out for his humor and writing style. What the hell is wrong with you tards? Cumpston is a legend at this site. You guys make Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons look really fucking cool.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:32 a.m. CST

    What type of crap is this ????

    by Faust_8

    I mena really, if it hadn't said Moriaty was publishing this stuff since Reloaded, I would ahve called this a plant to try and connect with the 'young hip movie crowd' by throwing in a bunch of slag with 'fucks' and 'pussy' here and there. This makes no god damn sense and really tells us nothing about the movie besides 'shits get's fucked up' DUH !

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:32 a.m. CST

    sounds good

    by turketron

    From the trailers I saw, I was afraid that throughout the movie we wouldn't actually SEE the monster, just the results of its destruction from the home-video footage. I was thinking how that would be super lame... but this review makes me excited. I will see this.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:33 a.m. CST

    Where's the miracle grow ???

    by Faust_8

    it's not animal or mineral, so it might be vegetable...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:34 a.m. CST

    um, no Faust

    by just pillow talk

    He's no plant.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:36 a.m. CST

    Neil's reviews are the best...

    by Phimseto

    ...and I thank him for reminding me of one of my favorite lines from Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back: "Dude, why do they call you 'Cock-Knocker'?"

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:36 a.m. CST

    no plant, then a raving lunatic

    by Faust_8

    just throwing it out there

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:37 a.m. CST

    A Matter of Taste

    by YakMalla

    Guess it comes down to that. Personally, I think he's hilarious. So what if this wasn't particularly informative? Then you'd be screaming that he gave away the movie. And to everyone who was offENded by the review perhaps should be reading elsewhere. AICN is not known for its gentility, thank god.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:42 a.m. CST

    Amen YakMalla!

    by just pillow talk

    If you don't like Neil's reviews (yes, he has done many for AICN), then you know in the future NOT to read them. <p>This is how his reviews read. Get the fuck over it. And he's not a plant. Ridiculous.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:43 a.m. CST

    yeah YakMalla

    by Faust_8

    I can see your point, but some of the things I like about AICN is that they give their own twist on reviews in their own witty intelligent way. This review lacked wit, not that I am offended by it in any way

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:43 a.m. CST

    review was a good read, worthy of many accolades!

    by turketron

    It was entertaining. Why is everyone getting so bent out of shape over it? <p><p>Why so serious?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:45 a.m. CST

    This was funny?

    by scudd

    Sorry, but anyone can take George Carlin's list of words that can't be said on television and use them as the basis to write a movie review. This guy tried way too hard.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:46 a.m. CST

    This review is like the dick that deepthroat's YOU!

    by turketron

    Is that why you all are so serious? Why so serious?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:50 a.m. CST

    Total waste of a webpage

    by m_prevette

    Come on - why post shit like this? This isn't a review, it's space wasted by a moron. Not a single rational, useful thought was shared. Even IF this jack-off has seen the movie, who would trust a word he says? And it also says a lot about those who let it be posted on the site as a "world exclusive". It's just sad.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:52 a.m. CST

    Great Review Neil!

    by BranMakMorn

    It's even funnier with all the humorless TB'ers comments who are unable to decipher the review's ironic wit.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:57 a.m. CST

    SERIOUSLY... do you eat with that mouth?

    by darqness

    Love that the guy gets the inside goods, but apparently the faux-celebrity has made him a nasty-ass ranting... oh yes, and raving lunatic. Ya not funny fella. Just give the info, and go.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:58 a.m. CST

    Ironic wit ?!?

    by Faust_8

    Irony:the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning So I guess he's telling us the movie sucks.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:01 a.m. CST

    The lack of Funniness

    by JimmyJingles

    at this site appalls me. WHALECRAB LIVES!!!!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:04 a.m. CST

    actually turk...I'm gonna have to use it too

    by just pillow talk

    Why so serious?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:08 a.m. CST

    it's fun

    by turketron

    See? It holds unlimited power.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:10 a.m. CST

    I'm even laughing hysterically while typing it

    by just pillow talk

    I don't quite understand the strange looks I'm getting at work...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:12 a.m. CST

    Well, you know what to say to them...

    by turketron

    Just ask them...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:16 a.m. CST

    Sticks Up Asses

    by SoWasRed2012

    What's the point of reacting to a Neil Cumpston review with such out and out hostility? Yeah he's profane, and not exactly good at actually "reviewing" the movie - but that's been his MO since FOREVER, if you don't like his "style", don't read his stuff anymore! It's like going into a McDonald's, ordering a beefburger, and then complaining that it's got meat in it. If nothing else this review serves as a minor piece of amusement that marginally reinforces my desire to see this movie. And I don't agree that people who find this funny are somehow of sub-par intellect, or even that Mr. Cumpston is, it is possible to laugh at low AND high-brow humour. Plus it takes skill to string that much profanity together coherently.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:20 a.m. CST

    No wonder the 2girls1cup reference

    by SpencerTrilby

    since JJ is is producing and/or directing turds as if it came from his ass. Nice review Neill: I had a good laugh but still not interested in this uber-marketed faux Godzilla.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:21 a.m. CST

    SoWasRed2012, you would be right if...

    by turketron

    McDonald's actually used "meat" or "beef" in their burgers. *shudders*

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:22 a.m. CST


    by seppukudkurosawa

    Just when I thought the 1-cup-2-girls zeitgeist had finally simmmered down enough for people to stop reminding me to visit that page to masturbate furiously, Neill of all people returns to AICN to knock me off the bandwagon.<p> </p>Your review only just about makes up for ruining the rest of my month.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:23 a.m. CST

    If this is even 1/2 as good as 2girls1cup

    by turketron

    I will be watching this many times. Just as I have the *full* 2girls1cup movie (not the pussified version found on that website). It makes my pants tight just thinking about it. Back to work I go...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:26 a.m. CST

    I hope Vern will review it!

    by DerLanghaarige

    Because then we get (funny!) jokes AND a good review!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:27 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    I don't like your work attitude but the review is awesome. You should be reviewing full time and leave the pretzel job to a cute girl who'll blow me if I buy a dozen.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:29 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    and Vern is the footlong hotdog of film reviewers. NUFF SAID

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST

    Cock Punch Glove?! SOLD!!!!

    by Stuntcock Mike


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST

    Informative? I say Yes.

    by YakMalla

    I'm still sputtering in disbelief at all of those who were offended, as if they were reading this at As to the not informative charge, I say thee nay, and here's why: All anybody interested in a monster movie wants to know if a) it kicks ass, b) it frightens excrement out of said ass, and c) Matthew Broderick/Poochie/H.E.R.B.I.E is in it. Answers from the review: a) yep; b) check; c) yes, but dealt with appropriately (see a)).

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:34 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Went to that 2 girls 1 cup site. I'm about to retch. fucj

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:34 a.m. CST

    The "world exclusive" bit annoys me :/

    by Flipao

    It's fun to read and all, but... meh.... "I saw cloverfield and it was great!"

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:39 a.m. CST


    by Shakes

    This review feels like a pale imitation of a Vern review. When Vern does it things are clever and make sense. This guy is like one of those comedians whose jokes only work because he goes blue. Take away the "fuck" "shit's" and "cock's" and this is nothing more than a 12 year old talking about the new Tony Hawk game. Vern's articles would be just as good without the vulgarity.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:39 a.m. CST

    I can stands no more...

    by Shut the Fuck up Donny

    I have been coming here for years and never thought I would have to partake in this nonsense, but MY GOD. I had to create an account and offer some positive feedback just to offset the load of horseshit I'm seeing in this talkback. Neill, your review--as always--was a joy to read. That being said, I'm saddened that you had to sully the oh-so-sensuous Rhea Perlman in the process.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:43 a.m. CST

    2 Girls 1 Cup

    by YakMalla

    I'm worried about those girls. Don't they know that sharing a cup is a good way to spread germs?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:44 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    You'd be vulgar too if you were in his place.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:45 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    How can someone come here for years and never post in the Talkbacks? How is that possible?!?!!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:47 a.m. CST


    by SoWasRed2012


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:51 a.m. CST

    Great, another comedian reviewer

    by jimmy_009

    Just what this site needs, another douchebag that thinks he's going to get a standup gig from his "hilarious" review on AICN.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:56 a.m. CST

    Alonzo Mosely

    by William Landis

    I dare say you're in bed now, but that last post was the funniest thing I've read in some time.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:57 a.m. CST

    My Favorite Review of All Time

    by the_stranger

    This made my day and made me laugh. So great man. So, so great!!!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:05 a.m. CST

    review or hype

    by dr.bulber

    i cant read fanboy speak!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:10 a.m. CST


    by jimmy_009

    You are the reviewer trying to make yourself feel better about everyone dumping on you. This would not 'make the day' of anyone else but that sorry ass reviewer.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:11 a.m. CST


    by Madcapper

    hmm..good review. Not spoiling the film, just letting us know that new york gets messed up, and that we get to see the monster bite peoples heads of..I might go see it..:)

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:21 a.m. CST

    This review is a crab

    by Mirrorball Man

    This review is 90% crab-like, 10% apeshit.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:26 a.m. CST


    by uss cygnus


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:27 a.m. CST

    Re: BringingSexyBack

    by Shut the Fuck up Donny

    If I had got caught up in all the debates on here like some of the people do, I'd never have finished law school. But then again, the experience in bullshitting might have been helpful.. But now I've graduated and I'm currently unemployed. Maybe now I can work on honing my skills!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:27 a.m. CST

    ...Jalapeno Cheddar Pretzel, Extra Cheese On The Side

    by uss cygnus

    And a large Diet Coke, bitch.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:29 a.m. CST


    by uss cygnus

    And the "Cloverfield" combo plate movie promo is selling like hotcakes.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:33 a.m. CST

    In the immortal words of Ripley...

    by DocPazuzu

    ..."Did I.Q.'s drop sharply while I was away?" <p> Holy shit, you idiots are still here, thicker than whale omelettes and more plentiful than ever. Alonzo is right, it doesn't matter if you think Neill is funny or not, but the sheer amount of dopes who don't even understand that the joke's on them is staggering - surely a new record for a Cumpston talkback. <p> Good God, you people suck.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:34 a.m. CST

    Holy Christ was that awful.

    by deathstar73

    Was that review in English? My eight month old could've produced something more coherent.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:37 a.m. CST

    I'm still waiting...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...for the first asspickle to say: "I was just kidding, I knew it was a joke all along!" <p> Will it be you, deathstar73?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:38 a.m. CST

    Pussy that eats you out...

    by jambone

    is an alien facehugger, right?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:40 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    I woulda chosen Talkbacks but you made your decision now you have to live with it. But congrats on making it through.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:50 a.m. CST

    ROFL @ Talkbackers actually critiquing Neill's review

    by Shigeru

    Are you new to AICN or just fucking retarded?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:54 a.m. CST

    I was re-reading Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas last night

    by I am_NOTREAL

    and then I read this review, and one seems almost like a continuation of the other.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:06 a.m. CST


    by Abin Sur

    Yeah, I can read between the lines...go Cthulhu!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:07 a.m. CST

    and who here actually thinks he works at wetzel's pretzels?

    by occula

    come on, people, really. and yes, his ROTK review is the best evar, hands-down!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:07 a.m. CST


    by turketron

    I think that some of the responses in here whining about how they didn't like the review are the funniest thing to come out of here.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:09 a.m. CST


    by turketron

    It's power level doesn't even register on my scouter. It would get beaten Trunks vs. Frieza style by the Cloverfield monsta.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:09 a.m. CST

    so weak I don't care to spell it's name right

    by turketron

    umm hmm.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    Horror Awards

    by bobbyjoe1985

    Join the Facebook group, "Horror Awards" to vote for the best horror films of 2007!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:13 a.m. CST

    Worst Talkback ever?

    by Burgundy82

    What a sorry band of uncultured fucktards. Who knew AiCN still attracted this many new readers? Who knew there was such a huge readership turnover in the first place? And who knew none of the fucking newbies had any shred of a sense of humor?? Do a search for Neil Cumpston and shut. the. fuck. up. I'm looking at you, Jimmy_009, you fucking dicksneeze.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:14 a.m. CST

    CTHULHU laughs at your puny TB posting, Turketron...

    by Abin Sur

    He LAUGHS, then he picks you up and eats your head. Go Cthulhu!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:14 a.m. CST


    by turketron

    So, is this movie really "The Lion King 3: Scar's Revenge" complete with a giant zombified mutated lion dripping with enormous maggots and other vermin? I think so.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:17 a.m. CST

    chlthu has a mouth?

    by turketron

    If so, I guess there will be a scene where the Cloverfield monster takes an enormous diarrhea dump into it! I will laugh and laugh.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST


    by jambone


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST

    I have been accused of being long and rambling and prone to typi

    by emeraldboy

    but when I read a headine that is error strewn as cloverfield monster goes apeshit. that should read has seen cloverfield monster go apeshit. why do i get attacked for bad spelling and not this guy who is regular reviewer. its unfair i tells ya!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:32 a.m. CST

    HOBBIT- where's the story on AICN????

    by ptindy Academy Award-winning filmmaker Peter Jackson; Harry Sloan, Chairman and CEO, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. (MGM); Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne, Co-Chairmen and Co-CEOs of New Line Cinema have jointly announced today that they have entered into the following series of agreements: * MGM and New Line will co-finance and co-distribute two films, The Hobbit and a sequel to The Hobbit. New Line will distribute in North America and MGM will distribute internationally. * Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh will serve as Executive Producers of two films based on The Hobbit. New Line will manage the production of the films, which will be shot simultaneously. * Peter Jackson and New Line have settled all litigation relating to the "Lord of the Rings" (LOTR) Trilogy.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:34 a.m. CST

    loves me some Neil...

    by Grendy

    i love that the 'spoilers' really don't tell ya much. right on. I am still jazzed about this, and will be taking a crew to go see it. tho, i will not sit next to my friend i saw I Am Legend w/ this past sunday...he was jumpy as hell in THAT, I can't imagine watching Cloverfield and not wanting to beat him to death. Good, and entertaining work, as always, Neil. I promise not to come in 2 minutes before closing and fuck up yer cinnamon nets, 'kay?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:35 a.m. CST

    Trying too hard to be someone else.

    by Diagnostic

    Yes, the review for Grindhouse was hilarious. This review just wants to be insulting, and that kind a ruins the funny stuff. <br> BTW, Well ritten review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST

    ps.. burgandy 82?

    by Grendy

    dicksneeze is my new favorite word. Werd.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:38 a.m. CST

    Holy Shit!

    by DocPazuzu

    That Hobbit news is real! Oh, the talkback madness to come!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:41 a.m. CST

    Cumpston's ROTK review was gold.

    by SpencerTrilby

    Still waiting for the "League of Extraordinary 70's icons" flick, or whatever you name it.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:43 a.m. CST

    why so serious?

    by addyadam

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:45 a.m. CST

    by MarkPhantom

    People aren't taking exception to this review because it's so outrageously radical and anti-critic that we just can't understand it. It's just annoying to read a review that doesn't make an ounce of sense, then have a ton of talkbackers tell us we're too stupid or humourless to appreciate it. I have a sense of humour, I just don't understand why this is considered a hot, first-screening review that eserves to be the first posted here. I don't quite understand. Was it posted by AICN's staff to annoy everyone? Stuff like this I can understand seeing after the film's out, but I come to AICN to see actual news.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST

    spencer, have you seen it yet?

    by occula

    i'm still waiting to hear what you think of indy without frenchification! (did i offend you there?)

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:49 a.m. CST


    by bobjustbob

    Is that you?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:50 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    No, you're wrong. Most whiners here don't understand that it's a joke or don't understand how it's a joke. <p> True Fact.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:53 a.m. CST

    I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights a

    by darrenspool

    lol. faggotry!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:54 a.m. CST


    by Shakes

    I'll be honest, I don't get the joke. I just reread it and it reminded me of when Michael Bay was on the Imaginationland episode of South Park. "there's a motorcycle, then there's a building, and it goes eeergghh." The reviewer is TRYING to be outrageous and funny. He's trying to go off on weird little tangents like the stuff about the Pretzel babies and sound clever, but it just sounds like a 12 year old on a sugar rush. Is that the joke? Someone please enlighten me.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:55 a.m. CST

    No offense Occula

    by SpencerTrilby

    I'm too lazy to get offended. And WAY too lazy to find Indy's original VHS. I'm gonna stick boycotting that joke of a boxset until Paramount quits this indecent HD payola and brings the Blu Ray on.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:55 a.m. CST

    Neill !! Its been too long..

    by skimn

    still loved Neill's Mom's review of Spiderman 3..a classic.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:56 a.m. CST

    Nothing new

    by liljuniorbrown

    Nice review but but did I come away with that I didn't already know? I know oxycontins are good, thanks for the reminder harry, now i might relapse, I also knew that the monster in this movie sheds smaller monsters which I think is brilliant,(not as brilliant as oxycontin though) and people get destroyed along with NY. Sorry I just kind of expected a little more insight, funny review though,nothing like being a mall cat to make someone hate the public.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:57 a.m. CST

    The douchebag level here is rising

    by Heckles

    So, if you don't think this person is funny, then you either just started reading this site or don't get the humor or both? Let me offer another option: it's not funny. Hipster AICN talkbackers. A new breed of douchebag.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Hobbit news!

    by jimmy_009

    Peter Jackson agrees to produce the Hobbit, to be released in two parts, 2010 and 2011

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:10 a.m. CST

    executive producing

    by wildphantom07

    with Fran Walsh is the only fact we know. They haven't announced a director yet

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:11 a.m. CST

    Can someone really confirm that Neill's

    by skimn

    Patton Oswalt?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Parents' Resource Council Approved Translation

    by YakMalla

    Dear Drew: Your readers may be interested to know that I was privileged to take in an advance showing of "Cloverfield". As I have found work tiring of late, this came as a welcome break. Here I found a catharsis of sort. The film not only delivers the visceral thrills one hopes for in a film of this sort, it ups the ante in ways so innovative I dare not describe them to you lest I ruin the fun. At the outset this seemed doubtful, as the presence of two young lovers threatened to pull the film away from its true nature, but this proved to be a sumptuous ruse, placed here to enhance the delights to come. And what delights! I found my imagination stretched beyond what I previously thought was a reasonable limit. While this is a classic creature-attacks-Manhattan film, this terse description fails to capture the sheer ferocity of the event. To make matters worse, the beast brings forth foul spawn to further distress the somewhat self-absorbed populace. A subsequently revealed power of the creature I will leave undescribed so as to maximize the emotional wallop it brings forth. While some mild continuity errors prevent me from recommending the picture without reservation, they pale in comparison to the high entertainment value delivered. The film's producers may feel free to contact me if they are in need of a few pithy bon mots to adorn their advertisements. In short, quite a merry adventure! Yours in Christ, Neill

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:29 a.m. CST

    Ah America, 100% irony-free.

    by Christopher3

    New to the site or not, one would truly have to be retarded to take a Neill Cumpston review at face value.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:32 a.m. CST

    TWO brilliant reviews! Cumpston and YakMalla!

    by Ninja Nerd I actually want to see this movie. Before, I had the whole "Blair Witch" vibe; a crapload of hype over nothing. Now...this may be worth the price of a ticket. Any word on IMAX for this puppy?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:34 a.m. CST


    by J-Dizzle


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:43 a.m. CST

    Great Review

    by Madines Sideshed

    laughed my ass off. superb

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:44 a.m. CST

    God damn...

    by Gatsbys West Egg Omlet

    what a great review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:52 a.m. CST

    Still sounds dumb as fuck

    by alienindisguise

    for real.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:04 p.m. CST

    Alright dammit, I'm usually a lurker but I have to post

    by Cartagia

    I understand that some people think that Neil is funny and others don't (I finding fucking hilarious)... BUT the number of people that don't get that he's been reviewing for the site for years is mind bottling. I'm mean, for Lando's sake, the very beginning says he's been doing it at least since his "Matrix: Kingdom of Ass-Kicking" review. Jebus.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:08 p.m. CST

    I read the review...and it's awesome

    by Chutch

    but the problem is this guy's reviews are better than his tastes in movies. this is the same guy who called grindhouse something like "a handful of jack-off while learning karate in your balls " right?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:10 p.m. CST

    I kinda hate these fuckity fuck "i'm too hip" reviews.

    by Cinemajerk

    I call these type of reviews "fuckity fuck" reviews, because they sprinkle the f word all over the review along with weird curse filled analogies thinking they are all hip and shit. But you know what? They're not. Take out that self important cursing crap, and what have you got? NOTHING. A lame review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:11 p.m. CST

    It's NOT manbearpig...

    by turketron

    We don't have the special effects to render such a creature for a live action movie yet. Our only glimpses at manbearpig will be through the genius animators for South Park, for now.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:14 p.m. CST

    YakMalla - that was fucking great!

    by just pillow talk

    Great "translation" work.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:18 p.m. CST

    If Cumpston and Vern fought each other...

    by mr.brownstone

    It would be like Gigan Vs. Rodan. Vern is Gigan. And then Foywonder shows up and he's Mothra. Whoever loses... WE WIN!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:23 p.m. CST


    by mr.brownstone

    Please promise to do that for every Cumpston review from this day forth. Awesome.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:24 p.m. CST

    Classic Cumpston!

    by onemanarmy

    Keep up the good work. <br> And to hell with the nay-sayers. If you don't like the review, you're obviously on the wrong website. (>!!)>(>00)>BUTTSECKS!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:25 p.m. CST

    Holy fuckety-fuck!

    by Abominable Snowcone

    That's some dick-stomping, cock chokingly good motherfucking fuck of a review! Fuck!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:31 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    What up homes? YOu back home yet? HAPPY CHRISTMAS hope you're doing well.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:32 p.m. CST

    why do i have the feeling...

    by BigTexas42

    that i enjoyed that review more than i'll enjoy the movie?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:42 p.m. CST

    Just watched the trailer again...

    by Abominable Snowcone

    My two main problems are these.<p> 1) I'm pushing late 30s now, and I find it hard to identify with kids in their 20s or stories told from their points of view. They just lack credibility to me. Which may be more the fault of writers, who give their young heroes too much of this "Dawsons Creek Abercrombie Fritch" look and pathos.<p> 2) the story (and movie) is supposed to be based on film taken from one of the witnesses' cameras, who was apparently at a going-away party for a friend. Ummm...I don't know about you, but even for Christmas I only use up one mini-DVD worth of stuff. Plus, I'm guessing that the camera person did not bring their power adapter to the party. I mean, who would? My point is, the camera person appears to be getting way too much footage for someone who was probably supplied only to shoot some tape of his friends at a lame-ass poseur party where all the guys have that on-purpose bedhead look and day-worth of razor stubble and a sportcoat from 1979. I hope they're all killed.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:43 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Shakey Cam must be destroyed.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:45 p.m. CST

    sounds like they will be, abominable

    by turketron

    judging form the review, it sounds like you will get your darkest wish

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:53 p.m. CST


    by BranMakMorn

    Read DocPaz's comment, the irony concerns TB'ers like you and... oh WTF am I explaining this to you for?...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:53 p.m. CST

    Yay! Dead poseurs!

    by Abominable Snowcone

    Murdered Abercrombie models!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:57 p.m. CST


    by Abominable Snowcone

    They should call it the "unsteady cam," as opposed to the, aw you know, the steadicam that the one dude invented for Rocky. Because "Bourne Identity Cam" is too long a name. But "shakey cam" has served us well for the last couple years...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 12:58 p.m. CST

    He's never let us down before.

    by V'Shael

    If it was crap, he'd have told us it was crap.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:03 p.m. CST


    by Semen Stains

    N Balls.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    SOMEBODY tried to imitate the writing style of I Watch Stuff!

    by mr teaspoon

    And failed.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST


    by XAOS


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:06 p.m. CST

    Lions Are Giant Pussies

    by SithlyLongFellow

    "It's a lion!" equals a pussy eating you out. Hmmm...sounds logical to me. A lion is a giant pussy(cat). Maybe the creature is a giant 'lion' inspired by the artwork of H.R. Giger. A giant 'lion' with a very goth-like biomechanical body.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:12 p.m. CST

    In the cold light of day...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Apparently the 80% ratio of moronitude has stayed, an impressive feat. Give yourself a hand people...<p> Oh and William Landis, thanks for the compliment, I am going to call my mom and tell her, that should make up for me not being a Doctor...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:12 p.m. CST

    "Blair Witch" style shaky-cam in IMAX..?

    by skimn

    Bring forth the buckets for which to vomit upon...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:15 p.m. CST

    perfect time for cumpston

    by ArcadianDS

    for a while, it was as if Neill had a weekly column and he couldn't maintain the constant drive to out-do himself at that pace.<p> I think the time off has made this review all the more entertaining to read, even though its slight on movie details. The point people are missing is that Neill writes to ENTERTAIN US, not to INFORM US. Accept him for what he is - he is not Vic Tayback. I'm not sure why I even made that reference, but basically what I'm saying to the Cumpston haters is, "HEY DINGY! PICKUP!!"<p> That is all.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:20 p.m. CST

    I can't wait for the Unrated Cloverfield Director's Cut to hit..

    by kirttrik

    ...shelves in 2009. I'm expecting it will have scenes to scary for theaters. It shall totally be off the hook.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:22 p.m. CST

    funniest moment in this whole talkback

    by ArcadianDS

    ----quote----<p> Great, another comedian reviewer by jimmy_009 Dec 18th, 2007 08:51:51 AM<p> Just what this site needs, another douchebag that thinks he's going to get a standup gig from his "hilarious" review on AICN.<p> -----end quote----<p> and yeah, for a moment i thought this guy was actually Patton trying to play off his own irony, but no, this guy actually meant the post above. What a douche.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:25 p.m. CST

    Sorry if this has been said already but...

    by carlalexander

    ...isn't this just a remake of Godzilla 1984?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:26 p.m. CST

    A lion with a pussy for a mouth = 2x

    by turketron

    You could get eaten by two pussies at once.<p><p> SithlyLongFellow you made my day.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:43 p.m. CST

    So does YakMalla = yackbacker?

    by Rickey Henderson

    Rickey demmands to know!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:49 p.m. CST

    Ahhh, the n00bs.

    by Lenny Nero

    Every time Neil writes a review, a group of people complain about the writing, having no knowledge of Cumpston's history on the site. It's a great yearly chuckle.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Hey Newbie Morons, let me explain...

    by coop

    So you can stop showing your ignorance. Neill is a CHARACTER! OK so you don't get it, it would be like watching Stephen Colbert or Andy Kaufman for 2 minutes without context or prior knowledge and then complaining about it loudly to everyone who just rolls their eyes at you. Just keep your comments to yourself, you'll be happy you didn't make a fool of yourself later.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST

    What the hell is a "cinnamon net"?

    by Fireball XL-5

    I want one.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:01 p.m. CST

    Rickey Henderson

    by YakMalla

    I'm not yackbacker. Don't know him, although it sounds like he's the subversively hilarious well-hung type.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:06 p.m. CST

    "I saw it"...

    by bobjustbob

    "He's a lying." Bets on market tie-in: Red Lobster or Long John Silver? Joe's Crab Shack?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:06 p.m. CST

    Once again...

    by Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkencluck

    The magisterial lunacy that is the Cumpston divides and conquers...? I am not arrogant enough to tell you what to think or do.. but there are plenty of "ever so serious deeply involved analytical etc etc" reviews of this film on't t'Interweb.. This isn't one of them. Take it for what it is (a hugely irreverent and offbeat film review) and move on from there. This isn't now, and never was, an English Lit. site.. If structure, form and reason are your particular bags then, quite frankly, you are reading/posting upon the wrong website. There is reverence.. and there is irreverence. Both have their place in this world.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:10 p.m. CST

    Steven King will be upset if you give away the ending.

    by Diagnostic

    this review was not Neil's best.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:15 p.m. CST

    thank you coop

    by BigTexas42

    for explaining the "character" thing to everyone who is too uptight to relax and read a fun little review. you guys better never read the Onion or you'll shit your brick at all the "bad reporting".

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:19 p.m. CST

    Kurzinski Valentine

    by YakMalla

    Must you stoop to using profanity on this site?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:22 p.m. CST

    Okay I pretty much have to bow down to Yak now...

    by JasonPratt

    That was great. I second (or third or infinity plus one or whatever) the vote for you to do a followup translation for all future Neil posts. {g!} *** Next up, the actual point to the Neil reviews == not exactly to mock reviews.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:24 p.m. CST

    whatever you say fella

    by michaels username

    so i guess i should laugh at every time you say "fuck, cock, vagina, etc?" and who let a middle school student in to see this movie before its released, and who let him write a review about it. and for anyone who wants to call me a "noob" and say that "i dont get it" you can rest assured that i get it, its just not funny. its juvenile humor that got old when i was in high school. cue the "shut up fag" comments...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST

    So This is The Monster?

    by ThomasServo

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST

    2 Girls 1 Cup

    by mwrisner

    No matter what disgusting things a man can dream up ... women can ALWAYS out do them!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:30 p.m. CST

    Neil Review == satire of MOVIEGOER mindset

    by JasonPratt

    Specifically of one type of moviegoer mindset. It isn't to mock this or that kind of review, per se. (Though it can kind-of do that, too.) Agreed that this wasn't his best outing--probably because "Neil" is trying to work within spoiler constraints unlike his Matrix or X-men or "Hobbit-Man: The King Returns" reviews (at least one X-man review predates his Matrix Reloaded review), but it's also possible that after we see the movie lots of things in the review will suddenly become hidden refs.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:30 p.m. CST

    Not sure what's funnier;

    by Hugh G Rekshun

    a) People thinking the 'review' was funny, b) People complaining about the 'review', c) People thinking that this WAS a movie review, d) All of the above

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:31 p.m. CST

    I knew the monster was a leprechaun.

    by Mr.Vess

    Green, going for gold (he was stomping toward the banks)... What, that he's big? No matter. He's like the Russian gnome - "Russian gnomes are the biggest gnomes in the world!", they said... And now those details settle it: he bumps into buildings? He scratches his back on a wall? He crosses streets sideways? Of course he does! Have you ever observed someone stumbling out of an Irish pub in the middle of the night and trying to walk back home?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:31 p.m. CST


    by Heckles

    Did you take offense or just felt the need to chime in? Don't answer, I care very little. Was more of a blanket comment in the first place. All is well, go have a Tab and bask in this fantastic review. Hip fella.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:33 p.m. CST

    It all happens inside a snowflake.

    by bc1970


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:41 p.m. CST

    That review made me laugh - sue me

    by SpencerTrilby

    what's wrong with you people?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Err, OK. When are you guys going to post a real review.?

    by C Legion

    Call me old fashioned, but I like to read an actual review, rather than someone trying desperately to be funny.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:54 p.m. CST


    by 3 Bag Enema

    All but one man died, There at Bitter Creek, And they say he ran away ... Branded! Marked with a coward's shame. What do you do when you're branded, Will you fight for your name? He was innocent, Not a charge was true, But the world will never know ... Branded! Scorned as the one who ran. What do you do when you're branded, And you know you're a man? And wherever you go for the rest of your life You must prove ... You're a man!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:58 p.m. CST

    Best Neill Cumpston review EVER...

    by SleazyG.

    ...simply for the sheer number of shittards who are so completely clueless it makes me weep for the future of humanity. Oh, and for all you foreign readers saying it's another "stupid American" writing the review? Bad news: your educational system failed you, too. You're so goddamned thick you don't even know when you're being taken for a ride. Here's a hint: take your head out of your ass and try looking out the window at the world whipping past you.<p> It's a sad, sad day when Neill Cumpston gets the short end of the stick because a bunch of pretentious asslicks come to AICN looking for a Michael Fucking Medved review. "Hey, he's not serious enough! And he didn't describe the monster! And he swears like he's in a Tarantino movie! He musta gotten paid by the studio to not actually describe the movie!"<p> Yup, you're right. It's that he's stupid--not that the joke's on you. By the way, MENSA called--the next four generations of your descendents have all been officially fuckin' disqualified on the basis of your genetic predisposition against reading comprehension.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 2:58 p.m. CST

    mwrisner, that's because

    by turketron

    Women are batshit insane when it comes right down to it. Everyone knows this!<p><p>

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:06 p.m. CST

    just out of curiousity where is everyone getting the crab thing

    by thareign23

    is it from the slusho site cause that site is giving me a sealife vibe as the monster

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:07 p.m. CST

    Did Harry write that? ---hahahahahahahaha

    by JDanielP

    He's got be relation, at the very least. (heh,heh)

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:08 p.m. CST

    Yet again...

    by Hasselhoffflying

    another great review from Neill that brings the Darwin candidates out of the woodwork trying to be all serious LOL.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:09 p.m. CST

    How many dummies will buy it in HD?

    by JDanielP


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:10 p.m. CST

    Thank you SleazyG.

    by Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkencluck

    It wasn't the best of the Cumpston though... That honour belonged to the reviews of "300" or "The Return of the King"... pure gold.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:12 p.m. CST

    Breaking news: Neil Cumpston is an act

    by SpencerTrilby

    as well as Midol Girl, whose real identity is Jeff Rustnak, a 29 years old cosplayer working nightshift at Blockbuster's hotline to finance some camwhore-he-never-met's degree. Sad but true. So get over it haters.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:16 p.m. CST

    Have I missed a serious review for this film here?

    by C Legion

    I do not mind comedy reviews like this, but not when it's the first one. As for the overly defensive cunts who are defending this silly review, wind your fucking necks in. Some of us want more substance than dick jokes.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:18 p.m. CST

    so the cloverfield monster is????

    by GavinVanDraven

    a crabby vagina with teeth?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:23 p.m. CST


    by Ray Gamma


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:26 p.m. CST

    The Blair Giant Monster Project aka Cloverfield Won't Top THE HO

    by LaserPants

    THE HOST being, hands down, the best giant monster movie ever made. CLOVERFIELD will probably be pretty neat, but it ain't gonna touch THE HOST which, is, as I said, the bestest giant monster movie EVAR.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:43 p.m. CST


    by turketron

    I can totally see bits of his red hair falling off and shambling around, devouring helpless people, while Carrot Top himself totally destroys everything in his path with his ingenious devices. As for the third thing he does? Who can say...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:44 p.m. CST


    by Ray Gamma

    Don't insult our intelligence by posting this sort of review, obviously written in a 'sarcastic pretzel shop dude' style in the hope that the target 'demographic' will identify with the reviewer. It's so obvious that it's insulting. </P> <P>If you really believe that it's necessary to fill your plant reviews with 'pussy' comments and 'dick' jokes, in order to sell the movie to us, then that is a very revealing insight into the reason today's movies have become so disposable and moronic. </P> <P> To all the readers on this forum; The staff "writers" at AICN are obviously pulling your chains. They have been foisting these so-called trusted reviewers on you for a few years now. But the truth is, these guys are all part of a little network. If you look back at this particular reviewer's previous submissions, for instance, you'll see that he's promoting the same companies over and over. </P> <P>Some of us readers aren't stupid enough to fall for it anymore, guys. Either come clean about this or watch your credibility fall apart as the readership gets wise to what you're doing.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:44 p.m. CST

    Of course I'm overly sensitive.

    by SleazyG.

    I just got cockpunched by somebody who I thought was gonna stomp on my dick with their dickstomping boots instead. Never saw it comin'.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:47 p.m. CST

    PPS advice to readers

    by Ray Gamma

    copy my post above and keep it somewhere on your desktop. because sure as hell it will disappear shortly today, and I'll probably be banned too, mysteriously.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:49 p.m. CST

    I am disregarding every Cloverfield review until...

    by qweruiop

    somebody finally describes what the monster looks like! EVERY single review so far has only given the vague description that the monster is big...and that's it. I mean come on, it's so obvious these "reveiwers" haven't seen it, otherwise they'd be gleefully describing something that nearly every internet user wants to read about. Seriously, if anybody knew what the monster looked like by now, wouldn't they be posting a description of the monster on as many forums as possible. Until somebody finally describes the monster in articulate detail, I'll just assume they haven't seen it and are only highlighting items from the trailer and the synopsis.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:50 p.m. CST

    I'm all with you Ray Gamma, but

    by SpencerTrilby

    Fox (X-Men), Warner (300) and Paramount (Clover-Hyped-Field or whatever they call this shit) or the Weinsteins (Grindhouse) are hardly "the same companies". They were even rivals last time I checked.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 3:50 p.m. CST

    i agree with kurzinski valentine

    by T-Rizzle

    send a review in with actual shit i want to read and not some lame-ass pretzel-baker who uses hyphenated curse words to cover the fact he really has nothing to say.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:03 p.m. CST

    Please stop, just stop...

    by DocPazuzu

    I can't believe the obstinacy on display here. Just face it: if you don't get the Cumpston joke then more likely than not, it's YOU who's being made fun of. <p> I think that if one were to read the Cumpy talkbacks in chronological order one would quickly see that the percentage of irony-challenged asstards has steadily increased. Even with that in mind, this particular talkback must represent a quantum leap in the number of droolcocks cluttering the board. <p> The end is truly nigh.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:09 p.m. CST

    This is a fake review......

    by godhatesyou

    A real review would have a description of the monster.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:09 p.m. CST

    Cockpunch = pleasurable?

    by turketron

    I think that as long as I had a boner (probably obtained from watching 2girls1cup), and said cockpunch was done by a hot 18-23 year old lady friend (or enemy), and she didn't hit me in the balls, it might feel kind of good. Now, of course, it wouldn't feel good if the "cockpunching glove" was something like an ice cold frozen metal gauntlet dipped in fire ants and broken glass.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Ray Gamma

    by Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkencluck

    You over estimate your own importance bub... Price check on aisle 9?? You best get to it Ray..

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:18 p.m. CST


    by Russman

    Looking forward to this!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:21 p.m. CST

    mutiny33 - that's fan art

    by Russman

    The links to the pic is fan art. It's on one of the Cloverfield fan sites and it's listed as fan art.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:22 p.m. CST

    I don't want to know what it looks like...

    by turketron

    I hope they never reveal it in any trailers. I want to be surprised in the theater. Hell, I already know too much...Whale Lice? GIANT ENEMY CRABS? WTF? I gotta resist the urge to googlegooglegooglegoogle....

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:28 p.m. CST

    But what if it looks stupid?

    by godhatesyou

    Then you have been surprised by by a stupid looking monster.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:32 p.m. CST

    Thank you Neill!

    by buffywrestling

    Always a pleasure to read his reviews.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:36 p.m. CST

    so what is the joke of thie Review?

    by Russman

    I haven't read his other reviews so I don't get it. Can someone be kind and explain please?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:39 p.m. CST

    You dont suppose...

    by Dkev00

    The monster is actually a giant Opera Winfry do ya? How's that for a fuckin image.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:39 p.m. CST

    i can only hope

    by occula

    that the monster is actually a guy shuffling around in an alien suit, leaving half-full glasses of water all over manhattan.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:41 p.m. CST

    in on the joke

    by Shakes

    Okay, I'll admit I was one of the first to criticize the review. I didn't "get" it. Sorry, I just use this sight to see who's going to play Iron Man and to read Heroes talkbacks. There seems to be two groups defending the review, one bitching about no one getting that its a joke, the other saying its just fun and irreverent. To the latter crowd, those of us complaining about it are not complaining about the vulgarity. We're complaining that it's the kind of unimaginitive vulgarity that a 12 year old who just discovered R rated movies would say. "This fucking movie kicks fucking ass and so awesome that it kicks your dick all the way through Kathy Griffin's vagina." The kind of stuff you'd hear from the teenagers walking out of Live Free or Die Hard at the theater and thinking that it was the most badass of the Die Hard movies. Now that I realize it's a joke and a character however, I'll hold my complaints of future Cumpston reviews. I understand that its a joke, even though I don't get what the joke is.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:43 p.m. CST

    Detailed Description Of The Monster! Read It Here!

    by Buzz Maverik

    Tall, slightly stoop shouldered. A sensitive, expressive face. Deep set, soulful eyes -- 1,000,000 of them, to be exact. A stately brow. Her true beauty is marred only by a less than classic nose ... or as I like to call it, a barbed snout. Quick to smile and show those dazzling teeth, each twenty feet long and rapier sharp. A sensual mouth, prone to poutiness and dripping acid. Lean, atheletic body, rangy and sinewy. Artistic fingers, that would perhaps be playing piano concertos in a better world, the type of world where pianos are the size of Manhattan. Long legs that seems to go on forever, except that they end in stumps and leave prints like oil tanks. Playful, almost frivilous. Keenly intelligent yet purely evil. An appetitite for destruction than masks a yearning sentimentality. Ah, the impressions. Fins. Flippers. Tentacles. Claws. Scales. Gelationous glop. All in one cute little package. It may sound like I'm talking about the late Audrey Hepburn, but rest assured, when you see CLOVERFIELD on 1/18/08...,well, you'll have the large nachos with jalepenos!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:44 p.m. CST


    by Stuntcock Mike


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:44 p.m. CST


    by Violator90

    That was not a review! That was the ranting of a meth user! Fuck! the was the worse review I had ever forced my eyes to read. I should kick the fuck that wrote this in squaw in the nut!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:48 p.m. CST

    true, surprised by a stupid looking monster would suck...

    by turketron

    I agree, it would suck to go into the movie knowing nothing about the monster and then having it be as shitty as something I'd see on "Megasnake!" (a Sci Fi Channel original). But for some reason, this time I'm willing to stick my junk through the glory hole and get what's coming to me, good or bad. I don't know why.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:49 p.m. CST

    by paladinryan

    Cool new commercial:

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:49 p.m. CST

    Cool new commercial

    by paladinryan

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:51 p.m. CST

    They were all... Crab People...

    by turketron

    Craaabb People. Craaaabb People...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:51 p.m. CST

    Take a writing class.

    by WX1

    <p>You know . . . I'm just going to say it: I've been reading AiCN off and on and, well, I think I now know why I read the 'site so off and on.</p> <p>Some of these AiCN reviewers can say in a few paragraphs for what they take an arm's length of words to address.</P> <p>I mean, after I read stuff like the following:</P> <p>"And if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it’s gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn’t stay away for long, if you know what I mean."</p> <p>I'm simply exhausted. I read novels, more classic than current. I've read "Paradise Lost." So, I know what it's like to read lengthy prose.</P. <p>But, what's offered on AiCN a lot of the time . . . man, if that's the reviewers' way of keeping suspense, making your read, read, read this . . . this RAMBLING to get to a single point that's not worth it by the time you get to it . . . then, it's not effective. The information "sucks" to borrow a term a lot of them like to use.</P> <p>Get to the point. There are stuff online most of us have to read. Take a writing course or read a book on writing -- you don't have to take much time to get the basics of writing: there are a number of succinct books on writing that you can find at your local library or book store.</P> <p>Write long if you need to. <b>Only</b> if you need to.</p>

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Boa vs Python > MegaSnake

    by classyfredblassy

    Snakehead terror and Mansquito are the rulers of all sc-fi channel originals.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 4:58 p.m. CST

    I saw Cloverield too!!!!!!!!!

    by xcornealiousx

    The moster takes a dildo and sticks it up every resident of nyc! Then he slaps it on strap on style and destroys every landmark...THIS MOVIE RULES. Lamest review Ive ever read. Tard.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5 p.m. CST

    Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkenc luck

    by Ray Gamma

    quote: "You over estimate your own importance bub... Price check on aisle 9?? You best get to it Ray.."</P> <P>Hahaha, apparently important enough to provoke you to post that defensive remark, you transparent wanker.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:02 p.m. CST

    PS ...

    by Ray Gamma

    P.S. just another thought for the day: </P> <P>When did movies suddenly start getting made by these fucking neanderthal jock-types who can't even defend their execrable cinematic shite with a bit of well-written English?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:07 p.m. CST

    Take a writing class, part II

    by WX1

    <p>Cripes. The heck happened to the rest of my post. 'Ey, maybe the same kind of truncation should apply to AiCN reviewers, heheh.</P> <p>Anyway, to continue, some of these AiCN reviewers would do good to read one of those short books on writing (writers of writing books know folks who need to write something are pressed for time; is why they keep their books short) or take a course on writing. You'll learn how to make your writing more efficient, more economical . . . you know, to the point.</P> <p>If all this "HOOLOOBAH-LAH, this, and, ooh, that F&*KIN' THAT, and, I COULDN'T F*&KIN' BELIEVE MY F*&KIN' EYES, YEAH, YOU'D DO GOOD TO SELL YOUR FIRST BORN TO CATCH THE F*&KIN' FIRST F(*KIN' GLIMPSE OF SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE WILL SEE 5 YEARS BEFORE THE FIRST F*(KIN' TRAILER IS HACKED ON THE F*&KIN' 'NET," rhetoric means to keep the reader in suspense? You fail. That kind of narrative gets boring after the first few paragraphs.</p> <p>Please AiCN reviewers, spoilers, whatever . . . we got other things to do. Tell us the goods or don't.</p>

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:10 p.m. CST

    I'm Going To Cloverfield This Weekend...

    by Buzz Maverik

    I sometimes take Cloverfield off the 10 when I want to get to Venice. But you have to drive through these residential neighborhoods with speed bumps, so I usually exit on Centinela and hang a right on Ocean Park...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:24 p.m. CST

    hahah at the last paragraph

    by BurgerKing

    Pretty funny.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:28 p.m. CST

    WX1, you're a friggin' genius.

    by SleazyG.

    "...some of these AiCN reviewers would do good to read one of those short books on writing..."? REALLY? REALLY? Seriously: "would do good to read one"? How about "would do WELL to read one", "or would be well-served by reading one", shithead? Or is it possible that the guy bitching about somebody's grasp of language is, in fact, no better than those he's criticizing?<p> Neill is not meant to be concise, efficient, or factual. You're just too fucking thick to get the joke, which makes the joke all the funnier for those of us who graduated from high school.<p> I remember back in the old days, when you didn't know about something and got put in your place for it, you either shut your piehole and slunk away or you spent the time to learn about it. Not nowadays, though: instead we get a buncha jackasses who figger if they bray louder when they're caught with their dicks hanging out nobody'll notice they're jackasses. Don't work that way, jackasses. I'd say thanks for playin', but you're all busy playin' Candyland while the rest of us play I'm Not Cockdrool.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:31 p.m. CST

    Best review i've read in ages

    by Thomas Cromwell

    Mate, can you please move to the UK and edit Empire Magazine please? Your crazed, yet brilliant style is just what those arse licking need. Please save us from Empire automatically giving Tom Cruise's latest 4-5 stars whilst calling for him to win an Oscar. ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:32 p.m. CST

    Ray Ray..

    by Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkencluck

    "Quote....Hahaha, apparently important enough to provoke you to post that defensive remark, you transparent wanker....unquote" Tee fucking hee.. defensive? Nope, merely literal... Of course that is reflected in my miniscule interpretation of the commentary of self important internet based personae such as your good self. For example Ray Ray.. examine this screed of yours.. "copy my post above and keep it somewhere on your desktop. because sure as hell it will disappear shortly today, and I'll probably be banned too, mysteriously" Well firstly you are obviously still posting and, secondly, your original post is still on public display... And I am the transparent wanker?? Cock. As is your self aggrandising bullshit pasted here..... "Don't insult our intelligence by posting this sort of review, obviously written in a 'sarcastic pretzel shop dude' style in the hope that the target 'demographic' will identify with the reviewer. It's so obvious that it's insulting. If you really believe that it's necessary to fill your plant reviews with 'pussy' comments and 'dick' jokes, in order to sell the movie to us, then that is a very revealing insight into the reason today's movies have become so disposable and moronic. To all the readers on this forum; The staff "writers" at AICN are obviously pulling your chains. They have been foisting these so-called trusted reviewers on you for a few years now. But the truth is, these guys are all part of a little network. If you look back at this particular reviewer's previous submissions, for instance, you'll see that he's promoting the same companies over and over. Some of us readers aren't stupid enough to fall for it anymore, guys. Either come clean about this or watch your credibility fall apart as the readership gets wise to what you're doing." Please provide some reasonable rebuttal at least... And save me the tired repository of the duvet dampened ejaculations of your keyboard warrior personae. You are an extremely confused and bitter arse wipe. IMHO.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:39 p.m. CST

    Translation to English, please

    by jdb1972

    I don't speak Wannabetarantinoese.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:44 p.m. CST

    Its Sigmund the Sea Monster!

    by LaserPants


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:46 p.m. CST

    Cloverfield Plot Spoiled! Read It Here!

    by Buzz Maverik

    Shakey cam is a smoke screen to cover up the real gimmick of this monster movie:<p>12 terrorists seize control of a giant monster. Their object: $100,000,000,000 is gold hidden in the monster's colon.<p>But there's one thing they didn't bargain on:<p>An ex-cop, swallow by the monster and being slowly digested since the pre-9/11 style action movies. He's a shoot-first-ask-questions later wiseacre who just won't give up...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:48 p.m. CST

    Take a writing class, part SleazyG.

    by WX1

    <p>First of all, if we're going to nitpick, the comma goes inside of the quotes, SleazyG.</P> <p>"Neill is not meant to be concise, efficient, or factual." Really? THEN, WHAT'S THE DAMN SENSE OF READING AiCN info?! Isn't AiCN supposed to be the bastion of getting fringe information?</P> <p>Admittedly, you bring up a good point that I failed to cite -- edits! Thanks for bringing up the fact that AiCN requires an editor.</p> <p>"'Do good'" vs. "'Do well'" -- well, that's something that needed to be edited, I'll admit. Nice to see you got my point, though.</p> <p>If there's humor here, I DON'T get it. Take that write-up and randomly show it to others -- see if THEY start guffawing and rolling on the floor after reading that confusion.</p> <p>Lastly, and above all, such AiCN writers can continue to write like how they're currently doing . . . and they can reap the all of the rewards that they gain from doing so. Yeah. Big Hollywood money, right?</P>

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:50 p.m. CST

    "Come Out To Tokyo, Have Few Laughs..."

    by Buzz Maverik

    The pitch: It's like DIE HARD, but on Monster Island...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 5:51 p.m. CST

    Cumpston review = rorschach test . . .

    by jocutus

    And somehow, a lot of people have managed to fail this test.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:01 p.m. CST

    "Cloverfield Monster Gone Apeshit".

    by Pennsy

    There's a sequel ALREADY? Damn, the first one isn't even out yet! ;)

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:04 p.m. CST

    Neill GodCritic

    by conscripted

    Neill: you must pray, son...but keep rockin' too.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:06 p.m. CST

    Will we find out why it's calling fucking CLOVERFIELD???

    by AdrianVeidt

    Seriously, what's the story behind that within the context of the movie?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:10 p.m. CST

    the mutant blue whale and the

    by Scorpio1031

    It a mutant blue whale and whale lice. That picture is the basic concept, the fanboy art stuff was a ploy to make you think it was not the Cloverfield monster.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:13 p.m. CST


    by foree forehead

    neil, whoever you are, you aren't mr. cranky. unless you are, in which case im sad.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:21 p.m. CST

    This SIte is Operated by 3 Year Olds

    by kenichi tanaka

    This review just confirms it ... at least the other reviewers, Harry and the others, are easier to understand ... but this Cumpston idiot is just that ... an idiot. CUMPSTON, when you learn to write a review, then please, entertain us, but don't write a piece of crap like this and call it a review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:23 p.m. CST

    Was this review written by the Superbad kids?

    by The Winged Doucheman

    Needs cock illustrations.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:38 p.m. CST

    I just got back from a private screening...

    by The Dum Guy

    <br><br>It has the biggest twist ending ever.<br>There aren't any actual cocks in the movie.<br> First off Bruce Willis is actually dead the whole time and is a ghost, but before we find that out the guy who played the Punisher (not Dolph) shoots everyone in the head right before the military shows up...<br>If so many people hate this review, then why is it #1 in the TBs?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 6:42 p.m. CST


    by AdrianVeidt

    Thanks for your kindness and maturity in directing me to the answer. Douche.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:13 p.m. CST

    Actually, the whole "punctuation in the quotes" thing...

    by SleazyG. still a matter of great debate. I tend to believe that if the text you're quoting doesn't include the punctuation, it doesn't belong inside the quotes as it effectively renders the quote incorrect. Some books on writing agree, some don't. The ones that don't are quite simply wrong.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:19 p.m. CST

    Cloverfield Monster - REVEALED - *SPOILERS*

    by Scorecard

    I saw Cloverfield last night - The monster truly is something nightmares are made of... It's a massive version of the terribly overweight ranga who runs this website... Ranga gotta eat!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:22 p.m. CST

    CLOVERFIELD monster has CRABS!

    by red_weed

    That must be why it's rubbing against those buildings. It's ichy. And the things that fall off are the giant monster sized crabs. and of course anyone that gets in it's path also get crabs. Alternatively anyone who goes to see the movie could get crabs. How's that for a william castle gimmick?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:26 p.m. CST

    how do we write it so it doesn't sound like it's from...

    by Maniaq

    a PLANT??? <br> <br> let's see... oh I know - let's make the guy sound like a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:28 p.m. CST

    Welcome back Neill

    by Scrolly

    You are truly a god among men. If you don't review Indy4 I'll track you down and give you a cleveland-steamer. You have been warned.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:39 p.m. CST

    Thanks Neill, I Love You!

    by TommyShag

    There is nobody out there that can write a review like Neill. I love this guy, in a totally hetero-sexual way.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:50 p.m. CST

    Just in case you need an ROTK review refresher to catch up...

    by Alfred_Packer

    "Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like they’re trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it’s Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond gay to where they’re paying old people to take a dump on them. Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK, the Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third X-Men movie had come out this summer it probably would have been some crippled crock of crap where Wheelchair Charlie traps Fuck Yeah Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap where Wolverine thinks he’s a time traveler from a hundred years ago romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New York. Of course, the X-Men movie would try to redeem itself in the third act by having Wolverine realize it’s a mind-illusion and cut Meg’s head off and play dodgeball with it, but it would be too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen. But guess what? One movie series turned that rule on its head. One 3-movie series said, “Wait a minute, we’re going to make the 3rd movie SO tits it will make the FIRST two movies look gay.” I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that’s the movie I was talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you’ll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie. It’s also, thank fucking God, LOUD. Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts you’ll take it off because I swear to fucking Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going to come from, or when something big is going to crunch someone’s skull while you picture that person getting their skull crushed is really your neighbor upstairs that plays Dido all day or that dude at the Starbucks who’s always reading and looking all smart. Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and I think it’s almost four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all pencil sketches of the characters, which I think means they ran out of money). So if you bring some chick who’s all like, “I have a spinning class tomorrow” or “I’m thirsty” tell her to go home and watch Gay Dudes and the Straight Guy because this movie takes fucking commitment. I saw the one dude in front of me who was with this girl, and the President of Warner Brothers came out and said, “This movie is three hours and twenty minutes,” and before I could say, “So what, gaylord” the chick says to the dude she’s with that she has to GO. And he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE it even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably could have made out with her, but he was like, “I’m going make out with this movie,” that’s how good it is. See ya, hottie. This movie starts with the origin of Golem – that creepy guy who looks like Iggy Pop and wears Tarzan pants and wants the invisible-ring. He’s still on a quest with the two hobbits - Rudy from the film RUDY and Fredo - to throw the ring into a volcano (this is like a serious version of JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). The ring is also evil but you keep thinking, while you watch it, that someone should put it on and check out some boobs. I have a feeling those scenes will be in the DVDs. At the same time, the two other midget-men and the giant hippies have seriously fucked up that one evil guy’s tower (he was Count Duke in Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II), and they hook back up with Magneto, and also that chick with the bow and arrows and finally the Giant Midget with the Axe. Oh, and also that I Don’t Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there’s a lot of lines like, “Rohan shall ride!” and “Gondor still stands!” and “Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith!” and also there’s some shit with the elves that’s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes. But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE OF SHIT-YOUR-PANTS, which isn’t the actual name of the battle but SHOULD be because you will shit stuff you did not eat when you see it. It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men takes this orb from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowing eye’s plan (or part of it – something about a tree dying and Enya music playing). So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. There’s this one medium-sized battle in a city that is like the last line of defense for the Big-Ass White City and it’s pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and these huge flying bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the dudes riding them and fuck them up from the floor up. They’re really loud, too, and a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears. Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer to the volcano, and Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave where there’s a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because even in real life giant spiders are bad news. Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually happens in the second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what? Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn’t have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting these books, and now the movies are so kick-ass that some people are going to go back and READ the books, which wouldn’t have happened if he’d just filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now, smarty? Let me give you an example of how NOT to make books into movies: This summer a huge bucket of farts came out called LEAGUE OF ADVENTURE GENTLEMEN. It was about how a bunch of characters from old-timey books got together and fucked up bad guys. And NO ONE SAW IT. Why? First, they picked a bunch of characters like Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde and Dracula-Woman and Huck Finn. These are all characters from books that were written five hundred years ago. Huck Finn was actually written before writing. These are the kind of books they make you read in summer school but you’re all like, “Fuck you, I’m going to play Sonic on my Sega” and you totally complete all the levels by August. So who the fuck is going to go see a movie about characters and people they’ve never heard of (the movie acts like you’re supposed to know who these people are)? Like I said before, MOVIES are the new books, so how about this for a movie (I even thought of a good title): ___________________________________________________ TEAM 1970’S FOOT-TO-ASSERS The movie opens: A cult killer tries to assassinate Chauncey Gardiner, the President of the United States. Before the brainwashed assassin dies he gasps the word, “Cyrus” and takes a poison pill. Senator John “Bluto” Blutarsky forms a super-team to infiltrate New York and take down the “Cyrus” cult. This team is made up of “Bruce” (from ENTER THE DRAGON), “Dirty” Harry Callahan, a now-teenaged Regan MacNeill (who is a stone boner machine and also has devil powers), “Quint” from JAWS, who’s upper torso washed ashore after the shark attacked him, and who has now been made bionic by Oscar Goldman and OSI, and finally Beau “The Bandit” Durville, who’s driving his Trans Am. They enter New York with the Bandit driving like a fucking maniac, and Dirty Harry shooting people out the window and Regan making people’s heads explode and shit. Wow! They get to the center of the Cyrus Cult headquarters in the middle of Central Park and confront Cyrus. He’s controlling his subjects with a glowing Chevy Malibu. Bruce goes totally Jackie Chan on everyone while Harry and the Bandit battle their way to the car. Quint dies bringing down all the cult killers, and they drive off with the Malibu. They also find out that Cyrus was trained by the Parallax Corporation. Back at the White House, they get their next assignment. They must take down the Parallax Corporation, which is being run by Gregory Marmalarde. They are creating an Army of brainwashed super-killers at their facility at Crystal Lake. These new killers are indestructible and a step above the cult killers of Cyrus. For this phase of the mission they are joined by CIA agent Vincent J. Ricardo (from THE IN-LAWS) and off they go. They blast their way into Parallax Headquarters, only to find their way blocked by the new generation of super-killers – hockey-mask wearing motherfuckers who have all undergone the “Vorhees treatment”. Bruce and Regan take on the killers, while Harry and Vincent go for Marmalarde. That’s when he reveals his newest, greatest killer – New York taxi driver Travis Bickle, who’s undergone the “Vorhees treatment” and is a virtual arsenal of different guns, knives – all of which appear from his wrists, chest, even eyes. Bickle killed Marmalarde’s frat brother Douglas Neidermeyer in Vietnam. Harry dies fighting Bickle, but not before killing Marmalarde. Ricardo searches the Parallax files, only to find that Parallax is only a tiny part of a much bigger, much more evil power – the Thorne Corporation, run by Damien Thorne. He has a huge facility in the Nevada desert, near Area 51. Their final mission is to deliver the Chevy Malibu to Area 51. The Chevy contains a weapon which can defeat Thorne’s final plan. Thorne’s compound is patrolled and protected by driverless trucks from DUEL and a bunch of those devil limousines from THE CAR. Two teams are sent in – The Bandit, driving his Trans Am with Regan and Bruce, and another driver named “Kowalski”, who will drive the Malibu along with Ricardo. They battle their way through the devil trucks and demon limos until they penetrate Thorne’s headquarters. He’s got every character from every boring-ass indie film in the last twenty years strapped to posts in this huge chamber full of leather-y ALIEN eggs. The eggs are hatching and putting face huggers on the douche bags from WALKING AND TALKING and SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPES and CHASING AMY and everyone from every Henry Jaglom film ever made and killing them. There’s nothing anyone can do – they have to stand and watch while all of these characters are slowly and horrible killed before our eyes, and they hatch into Aliens. That’s when “Kowalski” opens the trunk of the Malibu to reveal: ROY NEARY, JR. This is the half-human/half-alien offspring of Roy Neary from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and he starts going outer space whup-ass on the aliens along with Bruce Lee. The Bandit looks at the camera, winks, and smiles. (There can be a lot of shots during the closing credits of The Bandit cracking up). Ricardo and Regan work their way to Thorne’s headquarters where there’s this huge demon battle between Regan MacNeill and Damien Thorne that will make the audience go, “We need new words for ‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT’”. ___________________________________________________ See? Use characters from movies thirty years ago, instead of from books five hundred years ago. And by the way, that’s only using characters from 70’s films. I also have plans for an 80’s team of ass-kickers and a 90’s team. Everyone who was into movies from before 1969 is dead, and we’d actually better hurry with the 70’s thing, now that I think of it. Also, I totally copy-wrote this with the Writer’s Society, and I also know a 400 pound man who will man-rape anyone who makes this movie without me. Okay, back to HOBBIT-MAN, although at this point it’s just wall-to-wall awesome. The Battle for the White Mountain City has trolls and elephants and catapults and a battering ram that looks like a dragon head on fire. Also, earlier Gandalf scares off the flying bats-things with his glowing staff. In the battle for the White Mountain City Gandalf just runs around giving orders. How about turning the bad guys into babies or something with his staff? But that would actually cut down on the ass-kicking so, actually, fine. The I Don’t Want to Be The King Guy gets a bunch of ghost warriors to fight, and that’s just awesome when it happens, and also the elf chick with the bow takes down an elephant all by herself, and the Giant Midget keeps killing people with his axe. Then when THAT battle’s over and you’re thinking, “Just air comes out when I spooge now” they stage a whole OTHER battle at Evil Town to distract the orks so Golem and Rudy and Fredo can get to the volcano. And I won’t reveal what happens in the volcano except to say it involves Fredo and Rudy getting right to the very edge, but at the last second Fredo turns evil and decides not to throw the ring in, and puts it on instead so he turns invisible, buy Iggy shows up and bites off Fredo’s finger and Iggy falls with the ring into the lava and Evil Town is completely destroyed. You will have to find out the rest for yourselves. I hate spoilers. You can totally leave at this point but there’s an extra half hour of everyone relaxing and going home and being happy and I guess they put that in so you can realize your pants are choked with poop from all the battle scenes, so thanks. There’s also an Annie Lennox song over the closing credits. ????? How about Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On”, which is where they got the name Golem, or “Ain’t Talking ‘Bout Love” by Van Halen? Peter Jackson has proved with these films that he is the man to bring A-TEAM to the screen. Five stars. Best movie of the next four years. "

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 7:55 p.m. CST

    tv spots

    by Turingtestee

    a few sites (shit, maybe here . . . havent looked) have the tv spots. there is a sequence where people panic after someone shouts out "we got a bite here", or "shes been bitten". i remember a talkback here a couple of months ago about the little monsters and thier bites. im wih mc-909, its a whale. and there is something about the dougbot art that to me rings true. kinda want it to be cthulu.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:07 p.m. CST

    Rated PG-13

    by theBigE

    How rough could this movie be? It's only PG-13.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:14 p.m. CST


    by Judge Briggs

    Gawd, this review was fucking funny!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:15 p.m. CST

    Neill: That Review Was Kick-Cock!!

    by SkinJob69

    As usual, your words kicked ass with a boot made of burning meat!! Looking forward to your next post!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:17 p.m. CST

    Here's the TV spot (poor quality, but still...)

    by Pennsy

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:31 p.m. CST

    possible review

    by Shakes

    I just found this "review". For all I know it might have already been debunked on this site. rum/vie wtopic.php?t=4478

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:39 p.m. CST

    The fact that …

    by b-rock

    Neill's review has spawned a debate about how to write a proper review has me giggling. Somewhere, God is laughing, too, and I pray that he someday bitch slaps all the Neill haters in their pussies -- karmicly speaking.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:54 p.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston, you ROCK.

    by That 70s Venom

    Keep the laughs coming man. I will always love your reviews. :)

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 8:57 p.m. CST

    YOU. FUCKING. N00BS!!!!!!!!!!

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    I can't believe that in this point in AICN's history that there are still Talkbackers who don't get the joke of Mr. Neill Cumpston. I literally have to shake my head in disbelief.<P>Lowly n00bs. You don't deserve to post on this site.<P>NO CTHULHU DANCE FOR YOU!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:02 p.m. CST

    I love all you dicks...

    by Scorecard

    ...who are defending this guy as a "joker" and ratting on all the talkbackers who are taking him seriously... Im not taking him seriously, it doesn't mean it's a drop dead hilarious review that has me splitting my sides with laughter... Even though I know it's a joke - I still think he's a juvenile wank stain... In FACT - KNOWING it's a joke just makes him more of a fuck-tard.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:05 p.m. CST

    so let me get this straight...

    by Kazzer

    This Neil is a guy with a beard who is cool because he smokes weed and has seen a living girl's breasts. He's Keving Smith on ADHD. have we gotten that straight? cock jokes and family guy are funny, hmm? yeah, it's what i thought, this neil guy is a tool.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST

    here's my review of golden compass

    by Kazzer

    let me illustrate how i can ramp up some language(either to be ironic and stick it to all those *hipsters* or just because i'm allegedly this weed-smoking badass two people have ever met) to review a movie and illustrate nothing that wasn't obvious from the trailers: THE GOLDEN COMPASS (or rather the golden com-pussy) i know what i expected after fuckin' rollin' into this cinema, having just blown my wad to jesus tarantino christs's grindhouse: this is gonna be some fancy-pants wand-waving kid molesting goatcrap with some shitstain war-in-iraq subtext fantasy thrown in for good measure. and you know what? i was right about everything but the subtext. don't get me wrong, there are some cock-smashingly awesome moments, like the fuckin polar bears ( what i wouldn't give for one of those motherfuckers to claw my manager's head off and lay a bear-sized steamer down her flat-tittied little corpse) and the whole demon thing (mine would clearly be a dragon with a king-sized cock, custom made for raping every asshole who thinks the simpsons is better than american dad), but everything else in this made-for-girls-on-their-period fagfest is one long, gross pube stuck on the edge of your toilet seat. there's some shit about the movie attacking religion, and i'm about as keen as the next guy to feel father o' malley's cockhead hittin' the back of my throat every sunday and holidays, but jesus, with a turd this big, why even sift through the folds of shit for PUSSY THAT EATS *YOU*! huh? huh? guys? do i have what it takes to be cool to a bunch of post-pubescent culture hating morons? it's the blind leading the blind on this fucking site, i swear.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:36 p.m. CST


    by sns

    I wish all reviews were like that.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:39 p.m. CST

    Wow Wow Wow Wow

    by Maceox

    Evolution has gone backwards. Pure comic genius is displayed, and people complain about the review. After Mori posted his thoughts you still scoff. I need to find a new sight with less of you humorless idiots on board. Read his mother's reviews for pure post modern brilliance.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:41 p.m. CST

    perfect kazzer

    by Shakes

    That's just the thing SK229, you called it "unexpected, hyperbole." There's nothing unexpected about it. As I read the review I could see every cock metaphor, hyperbole and "clever" remark coming a mile away.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:41 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    You sadly miss the point. Go take a university class or two. Discover the sublteties of Irony and quit being a dumb ass.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:44 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    His humor is not Juvenile; it is Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery of juvenile humor. Figure it out, or enjoy your stupid existence.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:46 p.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    You've completely missed the point.<P>Cumpston would weep if he weren't mocking you...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:48 p.m. CST

    One more thing

    by Maceox

    This line is as close to spectacular as it gets:"But then it’s like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove."

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 9:56 p.m. CST


    by ThePilgrim


  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:01 p.m. CST


    by Kazzer

    there's nothing i hate more about someone writing a genuinely sorry, standard piece of masturbatory garbage and trying to pass it off as a sarcastic jab at the the system. hey, i'm saying a bunch of abrasive shit but *wink wink* read deeper into it and....well, it's still a bunch of abrasive shit. it's like people calling 'drawn together' edgy humor when all it does it take pot shots at gays and christians. wow, with your veiwership you're likely to get killed for that offense, but at least you made a worthwhile point, eh? THAT'S SARCASM, and i don't think i'm being a comic genius for using it. when i think of the subtleties of sarcasm and irony i think swift's 'a modest proposal' or colbert, i don't think 'someone who owns the buddy christ figure from dogma'. OH SNAP I MUST BE A FAGGY HIPSTER i DON'T THINK REPEATING THE WORD COCK (to um..satirize the sumblimated homophic tendencies of our nation, i'll say, because i'm sure that's someone's excuse) IS FUCKIN' FUNNY! big whoop, dinks, try again.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:07 p.m. CST

    A Modest Proposal

    by Maceox

    What was the reaction to A Modest Proposal when it came out? Even amoung the intellectuals. Now I would never hint that this is remotely equivelant to A Modest Proposal, but to think that it is stupid and juvenile because of the "fuck" and "cock" references is idiotic. He is making fun of you Kazzer and you do not even realize it.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:10 p.m. CST

    he is laughing at me, is he?

    by Kazzer

    fine, then let's leave it at this: my relationship with this review is not of the deeply mutual kind.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:12 p.m. CST

    Steven Colbert

    by Maceox

    One of my students called hima a republican the other day, that student reminds me of you, Kazzer.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:19 p.m. CST

    No! The Tagline on posters should be...

    by Sephiroid

    ...Shut the fuck up amd wait to see the fucking movie!!! (And don't let pretzel junkies ever again near a computer...ever!!!

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:22 p.m. CST

    As for the whale thing...

    by Sephiroid

    It's probably the whale from Hancock, who after it crashlanded on the wind surfer it fused with him and some slusho and came back to get revenge on Will Smith. It smacks the hell out of NY, but Smith escapes into a cryopod chamber and becomes a legend in another movie based on a book some years later.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:23 p.m. CST

    Yuz all fat splooged-upon babies!

    by Zeke25:17

    Alla yuz.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:35 p.m. CST

    Im with Kazzer on this one...

    by Scorecard

    ...And apparently WE'RE the juvenile ones now... You fucks have no idea... And reading talkback like >>it is Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery of juvenile humor<< makes me wanna take up a gun and go rampaging - You sound like the loser 19yo's we used to laugh at at Uni who would sit on the grass in the quadrangle smoking pot debating with the biggest words they could find... yet still have no real idea what they were saying... You poor misguided fucks... Suckling at the Cumpston tit has fried your brains...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:39 p.m. CST

    <<Fucking site cutting my post in half>>

    by Scorecard

    ...reading talkback like <<it is Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery of juvenile humor>> just reminds me of the losers we used to laugh at back at uni who would sit on the grass in the quadrangle wanking on using the biggest words they could think of without actually having a clue regarding what they were on about...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:40 p.m. CST

    Fuck this talkback

    by Scorecard

    the site is screwing with posts...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:47 p.m. CST

    Scorecard you are so "it"

    by Maceox

    Cuz we Quadranglers are wanking on with big words. LOL What big words you donotunderstand (boy that was big word)that I dougnut understand. Righteous.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:52 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    How far behind and how sad you are. Try to keep up my geometric buddy. My quad was tri but wtf. At least it was not Bi. O.k. sorry Bye. lol

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:54 p.m. CST

    i'm with kazzer and scorecard

    by Shakes

    There's no skill or creativity in it, there's nothing clever about the way its done. Any of us, at least those of us who see it as a juvenile piece of writing could write something just as "good" as this. What Colbert does takes skill and time to construct. Hell even Ann Coulter has some creativity in her writings when she's trying to be funny. But this Cumpston piece, I could take any standard movie review off this sight, take two minutes to add in my own cock references and a tangent about serving pretzels and it would be just as "good" as this Cumpston piece. Hell even Kazzer demonstrated this above. And all the ones who have been spending the talkback telling us we don't get the joke, or that the jokes on us, no one has been able to explain what the joke actually is, unless its to get a bunch of us to call it juvenile. But if that's it then it's pretty weak, acting juvenile in order to be called juvenile. So please, if someone can, explain what the joke is, because I've been following this Cumpston's reviews for awhile, and everytime I do all I think is that this is a poor man's Vern.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 10:58 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    Ann Coulter? Really Ann Coulter? Hmmm? Ann Coulter? That is your defence... really? She is more creative? Ann Coulter? O.K. (everyone nod then walk away).

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:01 p.m. CST


    by Shakes

    No, I'm by no means a Coulter fan. I just recognize that when she does try to be funny, like the John Edwards Faggot comment, there is some creativity in that. She didn't just outright call him a fag, she said "you can't call someone a faggot without going to rehab" or whatever. It took some actual thought, as opposed to if she would have said "that faggot John Edwards."

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:04 p.m. CST

    By the way

    by Maceox

    By the way, saying you are with Kazzer and Shakes and then referencing the "creativity of Ann Coulter" is more insulting to their intelligence than what they themselves said. And that is sad. So sad.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:06 p.m. CST


    by Kazzer

    listen, i read the older neill reviews, and while i'd love to keep up this internet debate, i admit that the mom review made me realize, yeah, this is satire. not sure i'd go so far as to say it was post-modern humor, and i definitely still think the 'Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery' defense needs work, but y'know what, when you're wrong you're wrong. if neill's being as smart as you say he is, kudos to him, and sorry for not seeing it from just this review.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:06 p.m. CST

    Finest review I've ever read

    by PhantomTroublemaker

    Seriously, I registered just so I could post that I have seen entire movies - tonight - that were not as entertaining as this review. Simpsons.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:07 p.m. CST

    Say something else, Maceox?

    by Scorecard

    So I can goad you into mocking me... Wow mate, that's great... that's just the fucking icing on the cake... what on earth has this talkback turned into? Dude, if you wanna sit around surfing from talkback to talkback looking to cause preach your stupid fucking point of view, be my guest - But until you can come up with a solid explanation for your argument, you may as well shut the hell up...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:07 p.m. CST

    If We Don't Get Neill Cumpston...

    by That 70s Venom

    ... then how about one of you douchebags who DOES get Neill Cumpston, instead of ridiculing us for "not getting it" explain what there is to "get". You sit there and repeat "you don't get it" yet you seem to neglect telling us what it is that we don't get. Maybe if you'd tell us we could understand. By the way, I think his reviews are funny as hell, so do I "get it"? Or not?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:09 p.m. CST

    'Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery'

    by Scorecard

    Is the most stuck-up, try-hard mess of an explanation I've ever heard out of an 11th grader...

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:11 p.m. CST

    There is no creativity

    by Maceox

    That you believe calling John Edwards -- a man running for president of the United States -- a fag is creative, shows your total lack of values. It is an Ad Homineim and plays to the lowest denominator of our society. John Edwards is running for President; Cloverfield is a Movie. Hmmm Fiction -vs- reality. Political satire is funny but you my friend are comparing apples to oranges. See what I mean. Ann Coulter is repulsive becuase she plays and degrades reality; Cumpstone is funny because he plays and degrades fiction.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:18 p.m. CST


    by sidestepper

    "what i wouldn't give for one of those motherfuckers to claw my manager's head off and lay a bear-sized steamer down her flat-tittied little corpse" know?...that's not half bad i think you're starting to get it, now pull that fucking peppermint cock out of your ass

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:18 p.m. CST


    by Cobbio

    Thanks, Neill! I'll definitely be seeing "Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit" when it comes out. Oh, and good luck with those spooged on pretzel babies.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:19 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    Pretentiousness is the joke. And my pretentiousness to you is the joke. I strung those together to push your buttons. See how it works? Kazzer, thank you. I hope you can understand the humor. He is saying something important about our culture. And what he says is funny . . . and Sad.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:19 p.m. CST


    by Shakes

    Did you even read my post about Coulter? I said if she would have just called him a faggot it would not have been clever or creative. The fact that she phrased it in the way she did was the clever part. And I'm not defending her decision to insinuate he's a faggot. I'm a liberal Democrat and right now Edwards is probably my pick for the nomination. I hate Ann Coulter and everything she stands for. The cleverness has nothing to do with fiction vs. political satire. If she would have come out and just started saying "he's a fag", "hillary's a dyke" "obama's an uncle tom" that would not have fallen into any sort of clever satire. She phrased that comment in a way that while insenstive and degrading to the political discourse, did actually take some thought to put together. Hateful thought, but thought.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:22 p.m. CST


    by Cobbio

    Also, every one of you assholes who's got a smarter-than-thou "anyone could write Cumpston's stupid reviews" bullshit attitude needs a fucking enema.<p> Get over yourselves. Pricks.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:28 p.m. CST

    Pretentiousness is the joke

    by Scorecard

    Ah, I see... THAT'S the joke... Right... and you strung those words together to push our buttons? Right... Oh yeah, i get it now... ((That's truly fuckn stupid, Maceox))

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:31 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    You can defend her cleverness all you want, but her true intent was to call hima fag. She may have been clever in the way she did it, but to those peolple whoe listen to her invective laden rhetoric they heard "fag." And they rejoiced! That is not funny, This review had tears of laughter reolling down my face. Read his other reviews. Read his "Mothers's reveiw." The man is funny. Not because he cusses, but because he embodies all the traits we call juvenile. Then he makes them genius. He turns stupid into poetry. That is the best way I can describe it.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:34 p.m. CST

    oh, sidestepper

    by Kazzer

    why, thank you. LETS GO ON A DATE

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:39 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    So sad! look at my words, "Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery of juvenile humor." Anti- pro-con ... come on. Undesirable litotes. Transcendent-Mockery oxymoron. And the whole thing reeks of Paradox. Yeah, pushing buttons and buttons and butt... (oh he pushes butt (hahahaha(he is a fag like John Edwards( but I am a liberal( so that uis o.k.( god Ann Coulter s hot ( I got a button she could..)))))))

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:41 p.m. CST


    by Shakes

    Okay, final word on Coulter, I'm not defending her message, I'm merely saying she put some thought into its delivery. My problem with this review is the perceived lack of cleverness, for those of us not in on the joke. But tomorrow, after seeing your explanations to me, as well as Kazzer, I will reread this with an open mind, and look up this mother review I've been hearing about. Good night folks

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:42 p.m. CST

    Can someone....

    by eXcommunicated

    ... point me to a site that has real reviews and real inside scoops?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:42 p.m. CST

    Sorry Shakes

    by Maceox

    That was meant for scoecard, who obviously keeps score.Is he winning?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:45 p.m. CST


    by Scorecard

    ...Jesus dude, you still going on?

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:49 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    You may call me "Jesus dude" but I am not. Just Maceox. Guess my intelligent ramblings made me appear to be the son of God. But I am not Score. Please dont worship me. That would demean me. I mean mean, to have such humorless disciples as your self... well you see.

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:55 p.m. CST

    fuck cumpston

    by jedimindflayer

    bring back his mom; i could listen to her talk about fish tacos and feelings all day...**sigh**

  • Dec. 18, 2007, 11:58 p.m. CST


    by Scorecard

    ...Still going.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:05 a.m. CST


    by sidestepper

    alas...i grow tired of this ridiculous, tedious, and totally irrelevant horseshit good for a few laughs though, at least for those of us with a sense of humor and no insecurities

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:10 a.m. CST


    by ThePilgrim


  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:17 a.m. CST


    by Maceox

    ..Still going. Ha ha ha. Wow you have nothing to say . Lol. Say something Score so I can Mock you . Please!!!! Oh wait...I am Mocking you. Lesson learned (dramatic Pause) Lesson learned.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:20 a.m. CST

    Cumpston's mom

    by Maceox

    Her review of Spider 3 is Brilliant!!!! Look it up. See what a real review can tell you about a movie. Is "she" wrong about one single point? Is she? Nails it!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST

    You had me at 'Wetzel's Pretzels'

    by Dr Gregory House

    I mean...seriously?!?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:40 a.m. CST

    monsters and RON PAUL!

    by shogunshin

    man, monsters rule on the movie screen! i cannot wait to see this movie, i just hope it is not shakey too much, because sometimes, it gets me dizzy. but in reality, i hate monsters, and RON PAUL is going to try and rid the world of the monsters himself! RON PAUL will eliminate TAXES, end the war on drugs, and bring our troops home to protect our borders! go look up RON PAUL, so he can defeat the monster bankers ruling the world. Cloverfield looks amazing, and 2008 is shaping up to be one of the greatest movie years ever, and when RON PAUL gets elected, everyone will be a lot richer. NO MORE TAXES!!! RON PAUL rules!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:44 a.m. CST

    Ron Paul

    by Maceox

    Thank you for your utopian vision. Liberterianism (sp) where liberals and conservatives agree. SCARY!!!!!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:52 a.m. CST

    Am I dreaming or was that ...

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    ...several hours people just spent researching and flaming each other over the qualitative merits of a Cumpston review? Awesome. Now bring on that giant fuckin' lion.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:19 a.m. CST

    My God....

    by DocPazuzu's full of tards... <p> Holy shit, if anything, the talkback got even worse overnight. Kazzer, you are probably the most clueless human being I have ever encountered. I'm going to make an exception and present you with the AICN Mark Twain You Fucking Moron Award simply for your outstanding achievement in being an absolute moron and all-round humorless asshat. Congratulations! <p> Your momma must be so proud.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:20 a.m. CST

    Just got off the phone with the monster...

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    and it bit my head off!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:45 a.m. CST

    Can the monster please bit Ann Coulter's head off?

    by Zeke25:17

    If anyone ever needed a peppermint candy cock shoved so far up their ass it came out of their mouth...well, it'd just be a lot nicer than what USUALLY comes out.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:54 a.m. CST

    (1) Fuck this movie and (2) who cares?

    by Cruel_Kingdom

    Why is this covered everyday here? Does Harry have stock in this movie or what? The trailers all look like shit.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:18 a.m. CST

    Maceox thanks for chiming in!!!

    by shogunshin

    Maceox, spread the word! we gotta get Ron Paul into the white house, so he can try and clean up the mess created by the evil bankers of the world. did you hear about their plan to merge CANADA, USA, and MEXICO into one giant country, called the NORTH AMERICAN UNION? google it, if you want to be scared big time. lou dobbs did a bunch of stories on youtube about the north american union. the only man stepping up to the plate to STOP the bankers, is none other than RON PAUL! no more taxes, means more money for me, and means im going to VOTE FOR RON PAUL in 2008!!!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:28 a.m. CST

    So it's like the Smog monster?

    by Orionsangels

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:37 a.m. CST

    JJAbrams has a cock punching glove

    by SgtElias

    And he uses it on you fanboy a-holes everytime he builds "suspense" by creating a mysterious to which he has yet to conjure a bullshit "answer".

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:55 a.m. CST

    "this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out."

    by Phategod1

    If this is not a resume to be a full time employee Harry I dont know what is I dont know if this is a Helpful review or not but its the funniest thing I've ever read.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 4:39 a.m. CST


    by MatDGZ

    That shit made me laugh out loud.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:10 a.m. CST

    I don't know about you guys....

    by edbig98

    ...but that review had me laughing. It seems you nerds don't have sense of humor anymore. Just let a guy tell his review, his way, not yours.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:23 a.m. CST

    He sounds like an idiot

    by Abednigo

    I have a good sense of humor, but seriously, this guy sounds like an idiot. He can't give a simple movie review (or whatever it's supposed to be) without using the F word every other word and making disgusting and crude comments. It's juvenile.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:32 a.m. CST

    Cumpston sounds more and more like...

    by DannyOcean01

    David Cross with every review.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:54 a.m. CST

    Thanks for the pitures they look great!

    by Damien Chowder

    It's like nothing I have ever seen. Spectacular!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:21 a.m. CST

    2 girls 1 cup reference.....

    by samuraiyao

    Thanks for the reference to that snuff bullshit video... I was all curious about it and started to google the video; only to find out that its 2 crack whores eating shit... Now i can't eat anything that resembles peanut butter,chocolate or shit......

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:52 a.m. CST

    2 girls 1 cup reference.....

    by D o o d

    I don't like peanut butter either!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:55 a.m. CST

    Sooo... Is the monster MANBEARPIG or what??

    by canvasseamonkey

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:02 a.m. CST

    another day... another 2 girls... another cup

    by turketron

    Hahaha at you pussies who can't stomach that video. I'm sad because right now I'm at work and I can't watch the pussified popularized version, nor the Unabridged, Unedited, Uncut version. Go and get the full movie! Man up cowboys! Yeeeee haaaaaaaa!!!!!<p><p> This is the greatest talkback ever. And Alfred_Packer, thanks for posting another Cumpston review. I hadn't seen that ROTK one before. Helped me waste a good chunk of my morning. Time for coffee. I'm going to try to get it to the same color as what was in that wonderous cup.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:03 a.m. CST

    again, it's NOT MANBEARPIG

    by turketron


  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:17 a.m. CST

    Neil, what can I say...

    by Kid Z

    ... I'm still f**kin' laughing... Please stay off ritalin, dude... your reviews are hilarious!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:20 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Great stuff!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:22 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    He'll fuck up the country worse than Bush, but at least he'll be funny doing it.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:34 a.m. CST

    As many have already alluded to here...

    by qweruiop

    most of us get the joke that this guy Neill is doing a faux review (and has done past reviews) that pokes fun at other cariactures of reviews, but the thing is this "review", in whatever context, just wasn't very good. It's real easy to make a review that's littered with cuss words and vulgar sentences in an attempt to pass it off as some type of commentary. Colbert and Conan are leagues ahead of this guy in terms of witty bantering, without having to resort to any of that stuff. And Neill is a minnow when compared to Keith Olberman, whom I consider to be the best witty commentator alive.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:38 a.m. CST

    I prefer Vern´s reviews

    by CuervoJones

    but this one´s funny

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:49 a.m. CST

    Lawd bless The Cumstain.

    by King_Knut

    I love this man's reviews. Favourite quote of his remains "here comes Mr. Punch"

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:23 a.m. CST

    Hate to ruin the Joke by Explaining it...

    by greyspecter

    ...But here goes. Okay, people, my understanding of His Cumpstonness is that he's parodying the 12-year old toke-smoking boys who "unscrew salt shaker tops at restaurants" I believe someone said. The fact that so many of you fell for it demonstrates how precisely he nails it. The sheer outrageousness of his analogies, hyperboles, and vulgarities are what makes it so funny. At least, if you enjoy that sort of thing. Kinda like South Park or Family Guy. I read books too, enjoy the witty banter of His Girl Friday and Arsnic and Old Lace, yet struggled to contain my glee at "Zoe gets a Latte". We all need some absurdity to color the seriousness. <p> On a related topic, his LotR was the best, followed closely by X2 and 300: "So what, Gaylord?" "A c*ck made out of 3 machine guns". Though the Jesus Zombie double feature was so brazenly irreverent I had to giggle. "Thank you Jesus."

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:36 a.m. CST

    I dont think

    by lecter1914

    This review would have turned off or upset so many people if we would have already had several legitimate spoilerific reviews of Cloeverfield. I think people are anxious to know whether or not the movie is any good and so far all we've gotten is it's awesome and a few planterrific reviews and one talking about the jews. So when we think we're finally going to get a legitimate review from a trusted source..its not really a review. I think thats what ticked most people off. I love Neill...he coined..Dudity!!!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:43 a.m. CST

    I'm joining Al-Qaeda

    by DaveTheHutt

    I never quite understood why Muslim jihadists want to destroy the West until I read that, *kof*, 'review'. Juvenile, sex-obsessed (by someone who doesn't seem to have had any sort of physical relation with a real woman) and barely intelligible, it shames both the writer and this site.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Just got back from a screening

    by warm_turtle

    It was mad.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    Cumpston also coined the phrase "kick-cock"...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    ...which is a personal fave.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    You're an asshole DaveTheHutt

    by just pillow talk

    Even written in jest, THAT is more shameful than anything that Neil wrote.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    by DaveTheHutt

    *Yawn* And why is that, jpt? I was being semi-serious. Muslim jihadists see the West as somewhere spiritually and morally bandkrupt - and having read that review I can see where they're coming from. Oh, and I'm am *arsehole*, if you please.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Anybody remember the game SNAPS?

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    As in "SNAPS is the name of the game."? That's what I feel Neill Cumpston has become - SNAPS. If you don't get it or know how to play, that you're S-O-L.<P>No one should explain to you how it's done and the only way to obtain the game's secret is to sell your soul. Or whore out your wife and sister.<P>So n00bs, for now on...Neill Cumpston is the name of the game.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:54 a.m. CST

    "...then you're S-O-L."

    by Mr. Nice Gaius


  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:56 a.m. CST

    ah, one 'juvenile' review = West being spiritually bankrupt

    by just pillow talk

    Why didn't I see that before? Damn you Neil!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10 a.m. CST

    oh noes

    by turketron

    Neil has damned us all!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    how many more

    by turketron

    How many more assholes are going to wander into this review and think it's serious? I hope this talkback stays up forever.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Kneel, cumstain

    by seagrass

    And kiss my ring. Yeah.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Has anyone ever really

    by seagrass

    been cock-punched before? Or is that just an urban legend?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:05 a.m. CST

    by DaveTheHutt

    One? It's hardly an isolated incident, is it? I like this site but I do find some of the sub-moronic drivel passed for publication as reviews a little tiresome. Oh, and calm down about the muslim thing, lover - I did say I was being semi-serious. Though I do think that the celebration and reverence of such poor quality trash like this review is an indicator of a Western moral malaise.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:10 a.m. CST

    I'm telling you seagrass, it might be so hot...

    by turketron

    I'm telling you, if every man could have a hot 18yr old girl of whatever ethnicity they prefer give them a cockpunch to their morning wood (avoiding the balls of course), there would be no more war...

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:12 a.m. CST

    and I said "even written in jest"

    by just pillow talk

    so semi-serious or no, I found your statement much more ridiculous than anything Neil wrote. <p>And since you come to this site, I'm sure you are aware of what a Neil Cumpston review is, so do not read his reviews. Then you won't have to subject yourself to such "sub-moronic drivel".<p>And you never return my calls..tis a shame.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:13 a.m. CST

    I just scanned his mom's Spiderman 3 review

    by turketron


  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:21 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    ...the review of Spider-Man 3 written by Neill's "mom" is one of the funniest and most accurately scathing reviews I have ever read on this site. <p> As I recall, even that TB was filled with braying assheads although not as plentiful or stubborn as the most recent bunch on display here.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST

    This sounds like "Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot"

    by Movietool

    Some of you out there know what I'm talking about.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:32 a.m. CST

    by DaveTheHutt

    Sorry, jpt - I like this site but not so much I'm going to memorise every 'reviewer's MO. Obviously, from now on I'll give for this guy's literary squirtings a miss. I just find it depressing that so many here find endless witless references to cocks and cunts hilarious. I loves me a bit o' swearing when done with invention (see the earlier works of Messrs Derek & Clive), but Cumpston's (or 'Cum-bum' as I call him - that's one for all you NC fans out there!) just comes across as a 14-year-old who's finally worked out what the word 'vagina' means.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:34 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Since Bush did business with the Taliban doesn't that make him an enemy combatant? In short, yes.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:44 a.m. CST

    To all of you cool kids that "get" this review

    by Sloopjohnb

    This talkback really baffles me. Everyone has a different sense of humor, and that’s cool. But a lot of people don’t find this review (or others by Neil) to be funny at all, and the response we get is: “No you fucking noob, you just don’t get it, only us AICN regulars get it because we are fucking awesome!”. Are you guys fucking idiots? What this guy is trying to pull off requires intelligence, and wit; and I’m sorry, but I don’t see a trace of that anywhere. Please, to all you enlightened talkbackers who spend your nights on the AICN talkbacks, explain the merits of this review rather than just saying “Noob”, “Read between the lines”, and “you just don’t get it”. If you think cock jokes are funny, more power to you. But admit you find the review funny for its sophomoric humor rather than trying to make yourself look intelligent by saying there is some sort of meaning to the review. Another thing I find ridiculous about the responses is that you AICN regs actually think you are superior to the “noobs” because you come to this site more than they do. To that I’ll say “What the fuck?”. Think about it, the only thing that makes you regulars is that you come to this site a lot. Anyone can check this site every ten minutes, but most of us “noobs” have better things to do.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:44 a.m. CST

    Why So Serious?

    by BallsToTheWallFan

    No this isn't about the Dark Knight and his smiling nemesis, its about you people taking yourself too seriously! This is a funny and goofy review so stop trying to be those pretentious, latte sipping, hipsters eaten in this film. Lighten up and enjoy life! Geeez!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 10:58 a.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Here is a hint:<P>It's not a "real review" per se. It's not about the cock jokes. It's not about the sophmoric humor. It's not even about being an enlightened AICN regular or those who think they have "better things to do".<P>Now, think about geek culture, how it relates to this review, and get back to us. Remember, Neill Cumpston is the name of the game.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:04 a.m. CST

    by DaveTheHutt

    "Geek culture" - isn't that an oxymoron?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Thank you for proving my point Mr. Gaius

    by Sloopjohnb

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Thank you for proving my point Mr. Gaius

    by Sloopjohnb

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Head-chopping monster is cooking the books and here's why

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    ...err...where was I?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:33 a.m. CST


    by ZeroCorpse

    Who knew that some day there would actually be a forum that would allow someone to get paid to write parodies of reviews? As if reviews are some high art form themselves? Still, good stuff. I lol'd at the Kathy Griffin line.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:35 a.m. CST


    by v1

    I want to read the review and the talk back SOOOOO BAD.... But Damn it, I don't want to know too much about the movie. Cloverfield strikes me as a movie that the less you know, the more you'll enjoy it. But Damn I want to read it... resist... resist... I think I'm gonna go knock out some knuckle babies to relieve some stress!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:44 a.m. CST


    by turketron

    Why so serious? Should have simply dodged. Here's some Visine, wash your eyes out.<p><p>

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston gives me eye-boners.

    by SkeletonParty

    I'm excited beyond hope about this flick.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:52 a.m. CST

    I just googled Kathy Griffin’s vagina

    by SkeletonParty

    and I can't stop crying.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:02 p.m. CST

    So, does the government edit in the flashbacks?

    by SkeletonParty

    because, if they do, that would be awfully insightful of them and sort of endearing.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:15 p.m. CST

    How do you use "Why so serious?" in the balls?

    by turketron

    If I could do that... I would be Legend. And besides, you would just insure the future that exists now. Time travel is Serious Business. Not as serious as the internet though. Or Neil Cumpston (aka The Internet).

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:17 p.m. CST

    As long as they have a flashback...

    by turketron

    As long as they have a flashback (or flash forward?) of the monster evolving and escaping from The Hanso Foundation, I don't care if it's the Government who inserts them.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:24 p.m. CST


    by BigFo

    Kinda lost me by criticizing the regulars for thinking they are better than the noobs by basically proclaiming that you are better than them. If you have "better things to do" congrats...I'll look for your name w/ next years Nobel Prize nominees.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:50 p.m. CST

    NC = The Ultimate Fanboy

    by greyspecter

    He's the exaggerated epitome of the sterotypical fanboy, reading comics, living in his parents' basements and working minimum wage jobs to support his movie habits. Get it, Sloopy?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:53 p.m. CST

    Stupid Reviews

    by mavic19

    As much as I like AICN, I can't stand the moronic reviews that they allow on this site. Foul, tasteless diatribe that does nothing to help get me interested.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 12:56 p.m. CST

    Fuck...I love Cumpstein man

    by Lost Skeleton

    Matrix: Kingdom of Asskicking! Jazzed about Cloverfield but I still am shaky about the video camera perspective.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Hilarious, most intelligent review ever written

    by SkeletonParty

    If you don't think this review isn't the funniest, smartest, best review ever written by humans than you just don't get it and are too dumb to breathe. I don't understand how you guys tie your shoes in the morning. <p>Whoever Neill is, he must have a brain the size of a Yugo.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:03 p.m. CST

    You can always tell the AICN newbies...

    by Lost Skeleton

    who don't get Neil Cumpstein. This is going wayback folks to Keria Knightly being the sexist tomboy beanpole on the planet and the Matrix/StarWars/ Lord of the Rings franchise wars! I love it!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    My Very Important Review of this Review

    by YakMalla

    Very informative, if rather bland.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:17 p.m. CST

    I want to work in a Pretzel shop...

    by kirttrik

    Pretsels taste great...especially with cheese.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:21 p.m. CST

    This is hilarious, you can always tell who the newbs are

    by Johnno

    Happens everytime in every talkback, I'll lay it out: <br><br> 1. Neill review gets put up <br><br> 2. Those familiar with Neill's review and the inside joke laugh their asses off <br><br> 3. Newbs and those outside the circle of AICN comment on how the review is retarded, incomprehensible, garbage and how the reviewer is (insert childish comparison here) <br><br> 4. AICN regulars call the haters out on their ignorance of Neill and this site's traditions and regulars. <br><br> 5. Asshat talkbackers that get called out continue to make vain attempts to save face by praising their own IQs and trying to intellectually and embarassingly prove how unfunny the review is and why we shouldn't make fun of them for their own stupid ignorance and inability to comprehend the joke. <br><br> 6. Why so serious?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:23 p.m. CST

    One-Eyed Giant Emo Eater

    by Abominable Snowcone

    In your 20s? Uncertain about your future? Do you wander aimlessly from job to job and from one relationship to another? Do you waste an hour every morning on your hair, going for that bedraggled look? Do you buy clothes from an Abercrombie catalog that you could have gotten at a thrift shop for one-fifth the price? Congratulations! You're about to have your head chewed off, you fuck!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:23 p.m. CST

    That Tinkerbell doll in the corner ad up top

    by Abominable Snowcone

    is giving me impure thoughts.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:31 p.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    ***Runs hand over head***<P>WHOOOSH!<P>Congratulations on continuing to prove Neill's point.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Tinkerbell can get it...

    by turketron

    Just call me Needledick the Bug Fucker.<p><p> Oh yeah...<p><p> *husky boy chest bumps with Johnno*

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:53 p.m. CST

    Don't even need to see the movie now

    by finky089

    B/c Cumpston's review will be infinitely better than the actual thing. <p> so funny, this guy.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:57 p.m. CST

    "you can always tell who the newbs are"

    by Trazadone

    I'm not new at all, I just have a sense of humor and this isn't remotely entertaining. I mean seriously, are people really laughing at this? I guess Full House was popular for a while too.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST

    Holy shit~! Seanbaby!

    by JonJonB

    I've been wondering why Seanbaby never updates his site anymore. Turns out he died and was reincarnated as a Down's Syndrome Chimp who headbutts a keyboard repeatedly and sometimes, completely by chance, emails the results to AICN. I love the ultimate cop-out being thrown around "IT IS FUNNY, AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SO - YOU JUST DON'T GET IT" No. It's not funny. Three or four years ago, the intentionally-ironic frenzied rants full of "cock" and "fuck" might've raised a chuckle, but it's old hat now. Try making some "funny" Youtube videos, dude, I think those are the current fad. Even I have a hard time keeping up, so I sympathise.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2 p.m. CST

    who cares where this came from

    by Wee Willie

    Anyone who can spin the sentence "makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass" is A-okay in my books. Very funny review.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:09 p.m. CST

    Yes are

    by Lost Skeleton

    It's okay man, Neil isn't for everyone.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:15 p.m. CST

    I believe they call them... "newfags"

    by turketron

    On another morally bankrupt board out there...

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST

    I thought I was going to read a Cloverfield review..

    by Reznik

    Instead I was subjected to the words Cock, Shit, Ass, and Fuck with some Pussy squeezed in for good measure about 50 times each. This is the worst sophomoric piece of trash I've ever read on this site. Way to go on getting this hot-ticket review AICN... way to go, How can this even be considered a review? the guy works at a pretzel shop and has the mouth of a homo-erotic sailor that was just given a section 8 for brain damage. This review offered almost no insight into the movie. Hey people use foul language and all i.e. messaswyrm (spelling) but at least he can tell a story without constant tangents and moronic stories about how much he hates the patrons that frequent his place of work.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST


    by Ender's Jeesh

    Woke my kids up laughing at 3AM at his review of 300, which is the single funniest piece of writing I've ever read. Do yourselves a favor... humorless twits.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:29 p.m. CST

    That wasn't a tangent...

    by turketron

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:33 p.m. CST

    If you want a tangent, read

    by turketron

    Read the review of HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS. If the tangents in this story bothered you, your head will explode when Neil tells us about his idea for a movie (I hope it gets made, but I doubt there is enough special effects in the world to pull it off *see my thoughts on MANBEARPIG != cloverfield munstar*).<p><p>Alfred_Packer reproduced the Hobbit-Man review above in this talkback, for those too lazy or stupid to use the search function on this site.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:36 p.m. CST

    I read his 300 review

    by Reznik

    that was hilarious. The directors dick is made of 6 machine guns. Classic

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 2:43 p.m. CST

    I just did too

    by turketron

    It's gold too, if a bit short (especially after reading Hobbit-Man). I liked the movie about naked amazons called "Pause Button". Scooted over to the Matrix one and just about burst out laughing at work at<p><p> the fucking Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!cum!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:20 p.m. CST

    This goes down in the annals...

    by DarthCorleone one of the funniest reviews in this site's history. And that's no small feat!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:22 p.m. CST

    If this guy isn't Maddox I'll suck Cartman's balls

    by Mr.F.N.Sunshine

    He is either Maddox or someone who wishes to God he was Maddox.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:33 p.m. CST


    by YakMalla

    Uh, did you just compare this review to "Full House"? That's a connection I haven't considered.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:36 p.m. CST

    Mysterious Yobo, thanks for picking me out of the crowd

    by Reznik


  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:40 p.m. CST

    I think I get it now

    by Shakes

    Neil Cumpston = Kevin Smith

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:42 p.m. CST

    Mildy amusing, but I question if he really saw the movie

    by slone13

    <p>Was there anything in that "review" that we hadn't heard or read somewhere before?</p> <p>As someone already noted, the lack of ANY sort of description of the monster is highly suspect.</p>

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:45 p.m. CST

    The Spiderman 3 review.

    by Cameron1

    It is all the proof you need that this "reviewer" is comedy gold. I'm pretty sure it's Patton Oswalt - you can easily imagine him coming up with the ridiculous tangents and juxtapositions.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:49 p.m. CST

    I blame harry

    by dale dragon

    for people thinking its cool to write reviews with lines like "surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove". these dick and pussy references are getting stupid now. What was something harry said in some review recently? something covered in pussy juices or something like that. I dont know. Its getting old now. just write a review. and I know people want to write a review like they talk to their friends, but if they talk to their friends like this, they must all be 12.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 3:51 p.m. CST

    No doubts about the comic genius...

    by Reznik

    or clever use of those four letter words we've all come to know and love, I just wanted to read a decent review that focused on the movie itself. Its the only review I've seen thus far and it really didnt bring anything to light. Anyone know of another review for this movie? besides the infamous I SAW CLOVERFIELD...IT WAS AWESOME!11?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 4:04 p.m. CST

    Inside jokes are for cocksuckers.

    by quantize

    happy chomping you 'superior' dickwads.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 4:47 p.m. CST

    Kurzinski Valentine, you give good head...

    by YakMalla

    ...dimensions. Thanks for clearing this up.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 4:53 p.m. CST


    by Loup Garous

    Thx for an elaborate review of this movie. Fellas like you make me want to slap a dictionary in faces of people like you. Besides, ever read a book outside the manual of an ego-shooter or a teen mag, dear Neill?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 4:56 p.m. CST

    Fuck! That's the funniest shit I've read all month

    by ELGordo

    Bravo sir.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:14 p.m. CST

    Cumpston Reviews Make Or Break A Movie

    by FatherMcGruderKicksAssForTheLord

    C'mon people - these things are like l'il nuggets of comedic heaven, shat out from the ass of a metagenius, onto your fat heathen-piggy faces. Many of you were literally born without a sense of humor, and it's sad. Someone should start a charity. I mean, really - alot of you wouldn't recognize Funny if it rounded up it's friends Ironic and Sarcastic, and they gang-raped you. You'd just lie there, in a pool of your own spent fluids, oblivious to everything save your own shame and the price of Ben Stiller DVDs in the Amazon marketplace. Your mothers' wombs should be cauterized with flamethrowers.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:17 p.m. CST



  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:22 p.m. CST


    by YakMalla

    I was offended by your use of the phrase "Ben Stiller".

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:27 p.m. CST

    This guy sure loves his job

    by Kragmose

    Still a hilarious/interesting rant/review.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:32 p.m. CST

    Two Words: Phantom Menace

    by HExTeXly

    Every since this site burned me with it's "glowing" review of Episode I I take these advanced reviews with a grain of salt.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:41 p.m. CST

    It's not that Cumpston isn't funny

    by ebonic_plague

    It's just that it's too close to Vern's style, and Vern is just funnier.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:42 p.m. CST

    Dear Father...

    by Loup Garous

    believe you me. i´m a funny sick bastard, but this just wasn´t. Also I´m European, maybe I just don´t get it.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:44 p.m. CST

    Parsing the Hate

    by YakMalla

    If you say this review blows, I say I disagree but that's cool. If you say this review shouldn't have been posted on AICN, I say this is Taco Bell, so quit ordering Big Macs.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 5:49 p.m. CST

    Point taken

    by Loup Garous

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:03 p.m. CST

    Loup, Ebonic, et al

    by FatherMcGruderKicksAssForTheLord

    So what youre telling me is that you didn't recognize the assailants because they were wearing hats and sunglasses? Also, TomBodet, do me a solid and leave the lights on. The old lady likes it that way.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:08 p.m. CST

    Neill Cuntston is an idiot

    by zodiac1012

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:09 p.m. CST

    Q: The Winged Serpent 2

    by Frank Black

    I actually read the whole review (something I don't do so much) and it made me want to see the movie. Fir Merrick and hire this guy more often!

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:19 p.m. CST

    It's only an "inside joke"...

    by SleazyG.

    ...if you mean your brain has to be inside your head to get it. Fifty bajillion people have told you the guy's real name flat out and you're still guessing away and still missing the point. It's not that the joke isn't funny: it's that you're an idiot and you clearly don't understand this site. You don't like it? You don't have to. You don't ever have to read anything here again. But the fact you think this review makes this site look bad means you don't know this site at all. As long as you keep making asses out of yourselves we're gonna keep laughin' atcha and givin' ya the bizness end of the dumbstick.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:22 p.m. CST


    by MRX67

    There is something very wrong with the review and this movie. It is fiction writing 101. You must have a hero. Somebody to thwart the evil that has come into the city. I don't mind a monster biting the heads off people but I want a hero and that, with all of this viral marketing, J.J has yet to show us. Give me the evil but I want good to overcome. Have we forgotten the words of Sam the Wise. If this movie is about a monster going to a buffet in N.Y and nothing to counter it, then I won't see this. If we want evil going crazy like that all we have to do is look at the real world.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:26 p.m. CST

    One More Thing....

    by MRX67

    Going by the review I wish like hell it was Voltron. I'm etremely dissapointed.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:31 p.m. CST

    He is not mocking movie reviews

    by Maceox

    He is mocking movie reviews that are mocking movie revies. It is meta mockery. Think about it. Get a sense of humor. He does not do what Vern does. Vern mocks movies.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Spelling on above was bad

    by Maceox

    Sorry! Review reviews review review review review review review review...O.K I got it

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:37 p.m. CST

    Why it an inside joke

    by Maceox

    It is an inside joke because you need to be familiar with other movies that have been reviewed on this sight. For example, read Harry's Blade 3 review. The brilliance of most his reviews is through the mockery and meta mockery, he nails the review. For example read the Spider Man 3 review where his mother nails everything that is wrong with Spidey 3, perfectly. For those who were expecting a cloverfield review and were dissappointed, this is not the sight for you. Go troll Rotten Tomatoes. They don't joke around.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:39 p.m. CST

    Sorry omitted "is"

    by Maceox

    There I have explained it with examples. The rest is up to you. If you don't find it funny -- that is too bad. It brightened my day considerably, so really your loss.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:40 p.m. CST


    by MRX67


  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:42 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    Stop with the Voltrom. Was not it you who fought for days on the talkback for the first cloverfield, trying to convince everyone that the character was saying"It's a lion!" No Voltron..Repeat No Voltron...Keep saying that -- rinse -- lather -- repeat...

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 6:46 p.m. CST


    by MRX67

    And it seem considering the review that this SHOULD HAVE BEEN VOLTRON. It's a sick movie that only sick people will see.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:02 p.m. CST


    by Anton_Chigurth

    Why don't you post some more excerpts from your book and show Neill what a real writer can do?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:03 p.m. CST


    by MRX67

    You can read the whole thing sir. And trust me, it's going to be better than this crap.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:12 p.m. CST

    Since you open me up for a plug....

    by MRX67


  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:15 p.m. CST

    Not soon enough...

    by Anton_Chigurth

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    Then for you Anton...

    by MRX67

    I will post another excerpt on my webpage over at Myspace. Look for it in a few days.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:31 p.m. CST

    No wonder Neil is so angry...

    by Batutta

    ...he works at Wetzel's Pretzels.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:42 p.m. CST


    by Maceox

    Isn't that the title of a science fiction book by Arthur C. Clarke?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:45 p.m. CST


    by MRX67

    The name of my book.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 7:51 p.m. CST

    I think Neil...

    by MRX67

    Is a lonely man. No woman to go home to sooooo he goes to preview sick ass movies like this one. Let's face it, if you go to see this movie then you are womanless. A pity.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8 p.m. CST

    "Hammer of the Gods"

    by Anton_Chigurth

    How about just a synopsis of the book or at least a plot outline? You know, generate some more buzz. Show everyone what ironic really means.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:06 p.m. CST

    How about an excerpt....

    by MRX67

    I can't release any other info just yet.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:33 p.m. CST

    here is the artwork going around of "it"

    by nooneimportant it's apparently leaked pre-production artwork that they're lying about and pretending it's "fan" art. But what kind of fan draws like that for no damn reason?

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:58 p.m. CST

    Mr. Saxon....

    by MRX67

    It's about humans, dragon riders, wizards, gods, dwarf-giants, the U.S military, The United Nations, love, war, peace and....religon.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 8:59 p.m. CST


    by MRX67

    relgion. A good deal about relgion.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:01 p.m. CST


    by MRX67

    damn those bulls.....religion

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Dunno about the movie but...

    by SG7

    ...that review sucked ass. It was not funny. If you thought it weas funny then you are simply retarded, or a twelve year old boy that still giggle at boobies.

  • Dec. 19, 2007, 11:22 p.m. CST

    thinkin' 'bout bein' sad!!!

    by JacksonsPole

    dude. you are f*ckin' genius! i love cumpston's reviews. hilarious! i remember the review he gave for grindhouse. i enjoyed your review more than i enjoyed the movie. keep 'em rollin', broseph. don't listen to the other wet blankets on this site. they're simply taint sweat...

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 12:34 a.m. CST

    Still makes me laugh, years later

    by JAGUART

    "and also there’s some shit with the elves that’s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes"

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 2:23 a.m. CST

    TomBodet & SleazyG.

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    TomBodet - What's up you crazy bastard? Well, for me, it's not the reviews so much as it is the premise. Ultimately, I concure with SleazyG.'s post.<P>SleazyG. - Spot on, sir. Well said. I laugh with you.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 3:06 a.m. CST


    by javery56

    it was funny to a lot of people, loosen up a bit,

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 3:30 a.m. CST

    I agree with whoever said

    by SkeletonParty

    this review sounds like it was written by David Cross. Good stuff .

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 3:47 a.m. CST

    The "Fan Art"

    by JonJonB

    If it's true that it really is the monster, the makers of Final Fantasy X should sue those fucks. It's even got SinSpawn for christ's sake!

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 6:16 a.m. CST

    Funny... but shit

    by EliteStance

    as an actual review. This is a "World Exclusive" the way any and all mad rantings posted on the interent could be considered such. Please, don't ever publish something like this as a review again... give the dude an opinion slot if you think he's funny but he sure can't review for shit.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 7:51 a.m. CST

    Someone said "brilliance of Harry's reviews" ??

    by m_prevette

    Now that's another load of bullshit. Same problem with the drooling idiot who penned the above "review" - it's not a review and it's not funny. It's like harry's lame-ass "chocolate coated pussy juice" remark...a sad attempt at being "hip" or "cool" and instead is an obvious case of pandering to the lowest common denominator. Grow the hell up.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 8:45 a.m. CST


    by YakMalla


  • Dec. 20, 2007, 9:14 a.m. CST


    by KillDozer

    ha ha ha

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 10:07 a.m. CST

    It's not a giant monster

    by bobjustbob

    It's merely enormous.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 10:37 a.m. CST

    Michael Reeves' The Wasp Factory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    by Cameron1

    Neil should really review that next. Now that's a "in-joke".

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 11:31 a.m. CST

    No one gets to criticize Neil Cumpston...

    by FluffyUnbound

    ...because in his Return of the King review he wrote the eternal line: "When you see this battle, you will shit things you DID NOT EAT!" Almost five years ago and I have not yet really stopped laughing on the inside. Didn't his review of some other movie also include the eternal "This movie hits you like a chicken truck going 90 miles per hour crashing into a burning retard school"? This man is one of literature's truly great talents.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 11:35 a.m. CST

    Thinkin' 'Bout Bein' Sad

    by FluffyUnbound

    Too funny.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 12:18 p.m. CST

    by Coach Clyde

    Neill, I agree with everyone who's saying your review isn't telling me enough about the movie. When you say it's a "Pussy that eats YOU out", I want to know more. Like, how big is this pussy? And what does it smell like? Thanks, Clyde.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 12:25 p.m. CST

    Anyone else hate the 'oh my god! oh my god!' Liberty clip guy?

    by performingmonkey

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 12:26 p.m. CST

    He's like the typical screaming baby douche

    by performingmonkey

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 12:27 p.m. CST

    It's like STFU you sad motherfucker, making everything about you

    by performingmonkey

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 12:29 p.m. CST

    It's like idiots screaming on 9/11 when it had jack to do with t

    by performingmonkey

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 12:37 p.m. CST

    Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith!

    by greyspecter

    You wanna know why Neil Rulz? Here's some movie titles he composed while reviewing Hobbit Man: the King Returns: <p> Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II<p> Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads<p> MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK<p> I gotta go, 'cause even in real life giant spiders are bad news.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 12:56 p.m. CST

    what a fucking great "review"

    by phig

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 1:01 p.m. CST

    I'm sitting at a public computer....

    by Zath_ras

    with tears streaming down my face. Thanks for the Ritalin Review, Neill.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 1:01 p.m. CST


    by Chutch


  • Dec. 20, 2007, 1:46 p.m. CST

    reviewer is not Patton Oswalt

    by smackfu

    You can tell because Patton Oswalt is smart, and funny. Patton's rants are intelligent and spot on, this reviewer is basically just stringing a bunch of crude euphemisms together for the sake of making crude euphamisms. And don't get me wrong, I am unoffendable. When I say 'crude' I don't mean crass, or offensive, I mean crude as in caveman tools. Just like Variety has a filter that replaces words in their writers articles (eg they automatically replace any instance of 'the show' with the word 'skein') Neil Cumston, and most of the AICN reviewers, almost seem to have a similar filter that replaces 'enjoyed' with 'fucked me in the ass' and 'a fan of his work' with 'I'd suck the cum out of his ass with a straw' and think that is passes as clever, hip, and in your face. Neil Cumston, and those other AICN reviewers (you know who you are) are the movie review site equivilant of Poochy the Rockin Dog staring in a Mountain Dew commercial.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 1:49 p.m. CST

    I don't usually love this type of review,

    by Novaman5000

    but this guy is always good for a couple laughs... Plus he seemed to have liked the movie, which is nice.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 1:54 p.m. CST

    you can also tell Neil is not anyone famous

    by smackfu

    because the preamble states that he's glad Neil is 'now gainfully employed'. I'm pretty sure Patton Oswalt and David Cross haven't been having any trouble finding paychecks.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 3:18 p.m. CST

    by maichi


  • Dec. 20, 2007, 3:19 p.m. CST

    Smackfu, I think the job at the pretzel shop is a joke.

    by SkeletonParty

    But, that's just me.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 4:49 p.m. CST

    There's a LOT of cock talk going on...

    by landrvr1 that review!

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 5:05 p.m. CST

    If you want evidence of NC's identity...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    There is a huge clue in the timing of one of his reviews and the picture of a certain geek celebrity at a special screening that ties in... It is not absolute proof, but the timing means the reviewer probably saw said movie in a certain city at a certain date, and the picture showed he was there. If you want more, do your own research...

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 5:52 p.m. CST

    This guy isn't as funny as he thinks he is

    by Photoman

    He must think that he's a really witty, engaging writer...but he's deluding himself.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 5:57 p.m. CST

    Meta Mockery...oh just fuck

    by quantize

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 5:58 p.m. CST

    Meta Mockery...oh just FUCK off!

    by quantize

    pissy excuse for dribble written by aint witty, it's pointless.

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 6:54 p.m. CST



  • Dec. 20, 2007, 6:55 p.m. CST



  • Dec. 20, 2007, 6:55 p.m. CST



  • Dec. 20, 2007, 9:25 p.m. CST



    I had a good laugh.... people seem to be a bit uptight ehhh?

  • Dec. 20, 2007, 10:04 p.m. CST

    holy cock

    by filmnazi

    I haven't logged into this site in like 3 years and it still works. Yay. I also remembered the password that the stupid ass cgi script that ran this site back in '99 generated for me.

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 7:48 a.m. CST


    by classyfredblassy

    That's right. It is actually a remake of 1978's "Slitith", where a mutated creature created by nuclear waste seeks revenge on mankind! And just l like they did in 1978, theaters are going to be giving out "survival kits" to moviegoers. This year the "Cloverfield survival kits" will included: duck tape, a bag of skittles (taste the rainbow, fuckers!), a pack of ribbed trojans, and 40oz of Mickey's malt liquor! Can't hardly wait!

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 7:48 a.m. CST


    by classyfredblassy

    That's right. It is actually a remake of 1978's "Slitith", where a mutated creature created by nuclear waste seeks revenge on mankind! And just l like they did in 1978, theaters are going to be giving out "survival kits" to moviegoers. This year the "Cloverfield survival kits" will included: duck tape, a bag of skittles (taste the rainbow, fuckers!), a pack of ribbed trojans, and 40oz of Mickey's malt liquor! Can't hardly wait!

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Simon cowell

    by emeraldboy

    is to blame. Cowell started this idea that humiliating people on tv was fun and he got paid a vast fortune for as he saw it telling the truth. the makers of The weakest link took this further. Though they were of course written. the virus created by cowell, spread to Anne robinson, then it spread to Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay has had to work very hard to get where as indeed did the other people mentioned in this post. But this virus has now spread to publishing. Take Ozzy's wife(no seriously please take her away). This is a woman who does not appear to have a good word to say about anybody. No biog is complete these days it seems without the author having a right good go. If you buy the 2nd volume of her Autobiography, chapter after is filled with posoinous invective about people she had never met inclding Chris Tarrant. I read somewhere that she had a breakdown. this was followed by Mrs O ripping the read off Kylie Minogues sister who was a judge on x-factor. Invective in nothing new this has been doing it for years. People who had a lot of sympathy for Mrs O now feel she is just a mean old bully.

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 1:49 p.m. CST


    by Amphiaraus

    I love the kick-ass writing style of this film reviewer. It would be hilarious if he applied the same take-no-prisoners style to a review of some touchy-feely, warm-and-fuzzy chick flick!!!

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 2:10 p.m. CST


    by fettskull


  • Dec. 21, 2007, 2:43 p.m. CST


    by Amphiaraus

    Neill needs to track them down one by one and give each one a thundering bash in the groin with his heaviest cock-punch glove.

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 3:55 p.m. CST

    Alonzo Mosely

    by BigFo

    Thanks for the scoop..Aicn should put you on full time w/ that stellar reporting.

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 4:33 p.m. CST

    He did review a chick flick, Amphiaraus.

    by SleazyG.

    Check out his review of "Spider-Man 3". Classic.

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 5:33 p.m. CST

    The new commercial

    by ufoclub1977

    seems to have more of the typical movie mood trappings of late 90's stuff... I like the original teaser best great title sequence:

  • Dec. 21, 2007, 9:40 p.m. CST

    You know what is going to be INSANELY FUNNY???

    by cornponious

    When, after all this hype, after all this speculation, after all this frenzy, people will go to their favorite theater and sit down to watch Cloverfield, and many of them will painfully realize that this movie is nothing more than ANOTHER DAMN REMAKE, LIKE ALL THE REST OF THE REMAKE FODDER WE HAVE BEEN WADING IN FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS. <p> This movie is a remake of The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms. Plain and simple. I believe the proof is here: <p> <p> Notice in the poster there is a man shouting "It's Alive!" This is the phrase we have been hearing the entire time in the clips we have been seeing. Obviously, we're heading for another remake. <p> Sad, isn't it?

  • Dec. 22, 2007, 1:17 a.m. CST

    parody, as defined in Merriam-Webster

    by bonkers

    Haters, please note: parody 2 entries found. Pronunciation: \ˈper-ə-dē, ˈpa-rə-\ Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural par·o·dies Etymology: Latin parodia, from Greek parōidia, from para- + aidein to sing — more at ode Date: 1598 1 : a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule 2 : a feeble or ridiculous imitation Notice that all of the words in the piece are spelled correctly? He's making fun of Harry, get it?

  • Dec. 22, 2007, 5:47 a.m. CST

    Fucking Nerds....

    by edbig98

    After reading the talkbacks, I just realized that the Nerds that don't get the absurdity and genuine comedy of this review are the ones that believe they know everything about anything. Dude, it was a good review mixed in with major comedy! What did you nerds expect? Richard-fucking-Roeper giving his 2 cents? The majority of us who ARE familiar with Neil's reviews know what to expect. If you look past the swearing and jokes, there's a fucking awesome review, with enough info to MAKE us want to go see this flick. Next time, relax, breathe and enjoy the writings of one helluva reviewer. You fucking nerds are the reason why no one can enjoy a good, fun movie anymore...

  • Dec. 22, 2007, 7:28 a.m. CST

    by Sloopjohnb

    The majority that are familiar with Neill's reviews are the ones that are nerds

  • Dec. 22, 2007, 9:34 a.m. CST

    The guy in the poster is saying

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    "It's a lion!" Sorry but it had to be said.

  • Dec. 22, 2007, 4:09 p.m. CST

    Is this a good review or a bad review??

    by godhatesyou

    Its just a lot of swearing.......... Cumpston has fucked this movie up with this fake review. Cloverfield = hate.............

  • Dec. 22, 2007, 10:22 p.m. CST

    This review is only worth reading....

    by drompter

    If you wanna have a good laugh, but if you really want to know if the movie is actually good go look somewhere else, because I still haven't (and never will for that matter) forgot that this guy reviewed The Matrix Reloaded like if it was the best thing ever caught by eyes.

  • Dec. 23, 2007, 5:27 p.m. CST

    Re: Seanbaby

    by waylayer

    Now that I think about it, this does come across as a satire of his writing style (although ramped up with a sugar/cocaine rush style, and adding 10 times the vulgarity). Hmmm, Seanbaby as an AICN reviewer? Would he balk at the very movie geeks he'd be writing for?

  • Dec. 24, 2007, 9:32 p.m. CST

    I love this site except that....

    by Nancy Pelosi guys talk like the biggest closet cases on the face of the Earth. It's always "cock this" and "gay that" and "jerking off this" and "sucking my cock that". You think you think you sound cute but you actually sound like homophobes who stick it through a wall and then go home to your wives. Grow up boys!

  • Dec. 26, 2007, 10:23 p.m. CST

    At what point did hyper motormouths become "cool"?

    by BurnHollywood

    It's time for the government to start putting Ritalin into the Red Bull supply...either that or a draft, to thin out the herd.

  • Dec. 26, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Oh, and nice catch, cornponious...

    by BurnHollywood

    "It's alive." Cute hint.

  • Dec. 27, 2007, 10:22 p.m. CST


    by HannibalGlock

    looks like this is the monster: http://www.concep

  • Dec. 28, 2007, 1:25 a.m. CST

    Yeah, that does look like the monster.

    by Epsilon

    Lion my ass.

  • Dec. 28, 2007, 12:28 p.m. CST

    Nah that can't be the monster, it's gotta be a crab/bug hybrid t

    by Scorpio1031

    It looks like a guy in a rubber suit. I don't think that is the monster. A friend has the trailer on his computer, and we enlarged and slowed down the monster. It looks like it has small back legs and has a shell of some sort. My impression that it was a crab/bug thing.

  • Dec. 28, 2007, 3:52 p.m. CST

    I'm gonna ruin this for everbody

    by TheBamfisBack

  • Dec. 30, 2007, 11:40 a.m. CST

    Plot detail

    by HB_Dad

    In the interview on this site, it mentions that the monster is based on today's fears. Judging by the whole thing starting with an oil tanker capsizing in NY Harbor, I'd say that oil dependancy is one is the issues tied in to which IS one of the fears of the US today. Perhaps it is fueled or feeds off of oil which is why the tanker was attacked in the first place? Maybe it is MADE of oil which accounts for the "Slusho" references? Just a thought...

  • Dec. 30, 2007, 11:42 a.m. CST

    Real monster pics?

    by HB_Dad

    By the way, I'm not sure if anyone saw this yet, but it seems consistant with what can be barely made out in the movie clip...

  • Jan. 4, 2008, 12:27 a.m. CST

    The review is an asshole

    by FlyinHawaiian

    trying to be funny by saying stupid shit.

  • Jan. 4, 2008, 1:12 p.m. CST

    wow, great point hawaiian

    by just pillow talk


  • Feb. 14, 2008, 12:03 a.m. CST

    The Clover Witch Project

    by thewolf

    Another hilarious review.