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Capone Opens Fire On HITMAN!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. I'm a shameless action junkie. No matter what, I'll sneak away sometime tomorrow for a show of this at a theater near my house. No way I won't. I'm almost tempted to read nothing and just go in cold. But it's Capone. I can't resist at least a peek to see what he thought...
Hey folks. Capone in Chicago here. Based on the hugely successful video game (which are ALWAYS a great source for movie material, right?), HITMAN is a shoot-'em-up/blow-'em-up of the mightiest magnitude set in a kill-first, ask-questions-later world, where every woman is dressed in nothing or next to nothing and every man carries a bigger gun than the last. Lots of over-compensating going on here, folks. “Deadwood's” Timothy Olyphant stars as Agent 47, bred from birth to kill without mercy or emotion. But for some reason, when we meet him during the assassination of the Russian president (played by Danish superstar Ulrich Thomsen), he is suddenly beginning to doubt his line of work. The triggering event in this sudden burst of guilt is a Russian whore (isn't it always), who the Thomsen used and abused on a regular basis before his apparent death. Only thing his, the many didn't stay dead, and Agent 47 sets out to undercover how the man escaped his bullet that apparently hit him dead on in the nasal passages. The lovely Olga Kurylendo (who recently had a small role in PARIS, JE T'AIME) is the Russian whore, who really struggles throughout the film to both stay alive and keep her clothes on. In addition to Olyphant, who offers up a sometimes laughable dead-pan delivery, a host of other actors known for television work populate HITMAN, including Dougray Scott (of “Desperate Housewives” fame), Robert Knepper (“Prison Break's” T-Bag), and Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond on “Lost”). Everyone does the best they can with this limited material, and some of the elaborate gun battles are extremely well done by French director Xavier Gens. But I know that there's supposed to be a great deal of religious iconography and allusions to this story, and either the filmmakers or distributors kind of pussy out with the sinner/saint aspects of Agent 47's character. There are a couple of tasty fight scenes here as well. I particularly liked the sword fight sequence set on and under the platform of a train station, in which a small army of other agents like 47 band together to take out the now-rogue killer. But the story gets so bogged down in its own self-importance that I lost interest about half way through. Despite the video game origins of this film, there are actually a handful of better-than-expected performances in HITMAN, particularly by Scott and Knepper, who puts on a convincing Russian accent. But the truth is, I didn't care whether Agent 47 lived or died; and I didn't care if he comes back for another film, which may be the greater crime, since he clearly could. HITMAN is a slick, rousing, and exceedingly violent work (all good things) that looses its steam thanks to a meandering, overly complicated screenplay. But if bombs, bullets, and boobs are on your agenda for the holidays, you could do worse. Capone

Readers Talkback
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  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:16 p.m. CST

    For a good hitman with a conscience movie...

    by haggardatbest

    ...watch "Grosse Pointe Blank" instead.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:20 p.m. CST

    I'm here, Leo Bloom

    by haggardatbest

    And you have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Yes, but even I wouldn't be here

    by haggardatbest

    if I weren't so annoyed with my job right now.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:40 p.m. CST

    boobs

    by Pipple

    yes

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:47 p.m. CST

    Dougray Scott still kicking over Wolverine

    by messi

    See what happens when you disrespect comic books, it disrespects your career. knock it back and hugh jackman not only becomes a star and in demand actor, but an in demand actor who gets great roles.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:49 p.m. CST

    How do you people post so fast?

    by Live.

    14th!

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    I saw it today

    by Binkysguy

    I liked it. 47 was cool and had a few funny moments. I followed the plot easily. Not the most original plot but the movie wasn't 'plotless' or 'hard to follow' as some critics have lamented. I think a lot of these critics are either A) Just plain stupid or B) Upset that there aren't enough gay cowboys in the movie.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    This years little miss transporter XXX

    by Pipple

    with boobs... I'll download it.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:10 p.m. CST

    It ain't no LEON

    by IAmMrMonkey!

    A good assassin movie (which is a rare thing).

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:16 p.m. CST

    BonerDonor

    by haggardatbest

    That's OK, some other guy actually had a Brokeback Mountain joke in his post. He must be one of Jay Leno's writers. Hey buddy, you got any good Monica Lewinsky ones? How about one about how big Jennifer Lopez's ass is?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:25 p.m. CST

    Another Fox Clusterfuck - Brought To You By Ex-Lax

    by Harry Weinstein

    The director Xavier Gens was apparently replaced by the editor of LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD for extensive reshoots. This has been another Fox Clusterfuck, brought to you by Ex-Lax - the OFFICIAL laxative of the NHL.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:36 p.m. CST

    Man, how much does Dougray Scott HATE John Woo & Tom Cruise?

    by TheSeeker7

    That is, having to give up the role of Wolverine in the first "XMEN" film because "MI2" ran so over schedule? Do you imagine how much different his career could've possibly been if he'd gotten (what would've at the time EASILY been a career making role)? I wonder if Dougray has a Hugh Jackman voodoo doll stashed away someplace.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Thanks BonerDonor

    by haggardatbest

    But I was talking to the Tonight Show writer up there with the gay cowboys joke. I wonder if he has any zingers about Paris Hilton's sex tape. Or maybe he could regail us with some Austin Powers quotes or do a Napoleon Dynamite impression. Should I go on? Is..is that enough?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:45 p.m. CST

    Of course I meant regale

    by haggardatbest

    Not regail

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:39 p.m. CST

    When the fuck do you use a sword in the game?

    by BMacSmith

    I've played through all except hitman 1 and i never used a sword. i only remember one sword in hitman 2, contracts, and blood money. looks like a by the numbers shitty video game adaption.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:41 p.m. CST

    haha, "SHITMAN".

    by Mike_D

    priceless.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:41 p.m. CST

    When are game studios gonna start...

    by BMacSmith

    protecting their properties? the days of putting out a shitty movie for attention are over. Game developers have as much money as movie studios nowadays. time to start making their own movies and fucking movie studio execs hard.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 12:18 a.m. CST

    this 'movie' is why america must be destroyed

    by ironic_name

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 1:08 a.m. CST

    Sounds like Droog speak from a Clockwork Orange!?

    by FILMFUNK

    ''Only thing his, the many didn't stay dead, and Agent 47 sets out to undercover how the man escaped his bullet that apparently hit him dead on in the nasal passages.''

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 1:13 a.m. CST

    HAHAHAHA! DOUGRAY SCOTT IS SHITTING HIMSELF NOW!!!

    by DOGSOUP

    He was ALMOST Wolverine!

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 1:33 a.m. CST

    I don't get it Messi

    by SpencerTrilby

    who had the more disrespect for Wolverine? Scott or Jackman? And no, Bryan Singer doesn't qualify.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 2:13 a.m. CST

    Didn't hate it.

    by Frank Black

    In fact, bullets & boobs are my thing and if there had been more of them I might have loved it because I knew it was going to be a masterpiece but a fun and stylish action film.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 2:39 a.m. CST

    Day of the Jackal (not the Bruce one)

    by Maniaq

    Best assassin film ever

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 3:15 a.m. CST

    Agreed, Maniaq. Like, totally

    by SpencerTrilby

    the best hitman flick ever. Edward Fox was teh shit. No-nonsense cold-blooded bastard.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 4:39 a.m. CST

    ironic_name

    by BobWalnut

    It's OK - American is destroying itself perfectly well.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 5:32 a.m. CST

    Dougray Scott

    by Madines Sideshed

    Deserves better than this for fucks sake.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 5:33 a.m. CST

    Bollocks

    by RobFromBackEast

    Sorry, but olyphant was the best thing about this.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 5:57 a.m. CST

    talk some sense man

    by loafroaster

    "...who the Thomsen used and abused on a regular basis before his apparent death. Only thing his, the many didn't stay dead..." Huh?

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 7:19 a.m. CST

    I thought it would suck - but it wasn't that bad

    by Russman

    Yes it could've been much better had they taken different choices and used some of Jaspr Kyd's (sp) music from the actual fucking game. But overall, if you don't expect much and remove our emotional attachment from it, it'll make you smile a few times.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 7:37 a.m. CST

    YES, BOOBS ARE ON MY AGENDA FOR THE HOLIDAYS...

    by Wilclas

    ..thanks for asking.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 8 a.m. CST

    As long as...

    by Kizeesh

    It is better than Ecks vs Sever<p> and about equal to Assassins<p> It'll be ok in my book.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 10:53 a.m. CST

    Assassins was underrated.

    by I Dunno

    If Julianne Moore would have gotten naked it would have been a four star movie.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 12:35 p.m. CST

    Did anyone really think this would be good?

    by thedarklinglord

    It's based on a fucking video game! Most video games have the flimsiest of plots to begin with and only the most generic of characterizations. When a writer has to "adapt" it for the screen, he or she needs to fill in a shitload of gaps. In most cases, it'd be easier to just write an entire script from scratch. But they don't just write a bad-ass assassin flick. No, instead, they decide to saddle themselves with all the baggage of the video game and try to stay true to the source material for the sake of the "fans." And that fucks them up every damn time. They'd do better to just loosely base the movie on a video game, borrowing an idea here or there, or maybe the main character if they find him interesting (and Agent 47 wasn't all that interesting to begin with) and create something entirely unique. Just give the movie the "Inspired by" credit - which basically means "I played the game/read the book/saw a poster and it kick-started my imagination to create something (hopefully) so much better than that unsatisfying piece of shit." - but make it a beast all its own. But, no, there's no originality left in Hollywood. That's why we get the neverending parade of remakes and sequels that all suck ass. The sooner all of California burns to the ground or breaks off and falls into the ocean, the sooner we might see a boom in the film industry.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 1:26 p.m. CST

    thedarklinglord

    by Mullah Omar

    I generally agree with you about the inherent shittiness that will result if you directly adapt a video game to film. However, there are exceptions, and I think the world would be a better place if George Lucas had made the original KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC into a movie rather than spend his time with the prequels.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 4:52 p.m. CST

    Bring on the Metal Gear movie

    by SpencerTrilby

    cause that's the only video game that deserves to be adapted. And given the characterizations and plot it has the potential to be a good stand-alone film.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 6:48 p.m. CST

    thedarklinglord

    by pdennett316

    Remember the Mario Bros. movie? That was 'inspired' by the game, in the same way that Oliver Stone is inspired by McG.

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 1:41 a.m. CST

    DC Comics Hitman

    by CuervoJones

    Screenplay: Garth Ennis <br> I´d buy that for a dollar!

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 7:31 a.m. CST

    Boobs

    by CuervoJones

    I´m there

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 7:35 a.m. CST

    I'm sorry

    by TiPPiDa

    After watching Leon the Professional back in '95 everything else just seems nowhere near as good (yes, that inclued 'Day of the Jackal' and 'Assassins' (wasn't that a wachowski's flick? I think they wrote the screenplay.... anyway, doesn't matter). <p>I think I ruined it for myself watching Leon first.<p>Real actors, real performances, a kick ass director, and a premise which may seem done to death, but feels fresh and alive. If you haven't seen it, I would recommend you see HITMAN first, and ASSASSINS, and GROSSE POINT BLANK... THEN see LEON. You'll know what I mean. (ps. LOVE Grosse point blank. "Did you go to your reunion?"..... "Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.".. Fucking Classic.<p> I rememeber a treatment was out for a sequel to it called "Shooting Blanks", phhht.. nothing about it was particularly 'clever', the story had alot to do with getting closure, the desire to have what he CAN'T, the photo of Martin and the baby at the reunion, rekindling a lost passion for snuffin a mufugga, and rediscovering thier place in the world. It wasn't bad, and wirh ALOT of tweaking could have been as great or better that GPB.. the problem exists now that it was too much like MR and Mrs Smith.. except Martin and Debi were always on the same side.. so it will never be picked up, oh well).

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 8:58 a.m. CST

    haggardatbest

    by Binkysguy

    Oh, Christ, a butthurt gay fella. Grow up, assclown.

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST

    unofficial sequel to grosse point blank was made...

    by Frank Black

    Cusak made a film called War inc which is coming out soon and is an unofficial sequel in many ways but not directed by the great George Armitage. It looks great!

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 2:13 p.m. CST

    War Inc.

    by TiPPiDa

    Yeah but it wasn't really a sequel though was it?. I don't think its his character from GPB. I think the only real correlation between the two is that he plays a hitman, and Joan Cusack is in it (those two seem to work together quite a bit.. which is nice). <p>Still though, I don't think it could really be considered anything close to a sequel, it's like saying that "High Fidelity" is an unofficial sequel to "Say Anything..."

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 3:19 p.m. CST

    War Inc

    by Frank Black

    Apparently Cusak wanted to make a sequel to GPB but Disney didn't want to so the script was written in a general, vague fashion so it could be a sequel but not officially named as such.

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 5:43 p.m. CST

    Uwe Boll's Hitman would have been great!

    by zodiac1012

    And you know it!

  • Nov. 24, 2007, 12:40 a.m. CST

    i had fun

    by doctor_goodspeed

    i didn't go in expecting much from what i've been reading... but olyphant was cool as usual. if you expect anything beyond gun fights and boobies... then go see something else. i laughed through at leasthalf the movie... it was a fun time... nothing more, nothing less.

  • Nov. 24, 2007, 1:18 a.m. CST

    Dougray Scott still more kickass than Jackman

    by chien_sale

    Jackman is a good actor but really is a big light-heart wuss in real life. Scott will always have this darkness about him and when(or if) he finds the right role he's gonna be bigger than Jackman. Hear me here? Jackman is a big phony.

  • Nov. 24, 2007, 8:44 a.m. CST

    I had fun too but...

    by keekthesneek

    olyphant was the worst pick for this he had the look alright but my god his delivery was laughable at more than a few times during my time with this film.

  • Nov. 24, 2007, 2:34 p.m. CST

    video game movies

    by MC-909

    Until studios/game developers realize that EVERY SINGLE VIDEO GAME is inspired by movies that have come before it, we will not see a good video game movie. Video game movies are copies of copies. I mean, what the fuck? How can we ever expect a truly good game adaptation if the games are constantly ripping off movies that have already been made? <p> Name ONE game (adult oriented) that hasn't ripped off, excuse me, that wasn't "inspired by" a movie. You can't...and that's the problem right there.

  • Nov. 24, 2007, 2:38 p.m. CST

    so for all of you...

    by MC-909

    ...that are complaining about VG movies sticking to the "source material" of the video games, give it a fucking rest. <p> The "source material" you speak of is recycled movie plots. The only true "source material" in video games is the way they're played...and until we can "play" movies, VG movies will suck every time out. <p> Or maybe just capturing the feeling one gets while playing a game would be good enough. I love video games...but anyone that plays them for the "story" is fucking retarded.

  • Nov. 25, 2007, 1:23 p.m. CST

    RE: MC-909 - Off the top of my head......

    by Kizeesh

    Okami, Shadow of the Colossus, Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem, Beyond Good and Evil, Psychonauts, American McGee's Alice, Thief.<p> There you go. I'd even argue that games like Halo and Gears of War owe relatively little to previously released movies, certainly less than many mainstream hollywood blockbusters do today.<p> There are games around with fantastic stories, the problem is that they usually aren't the ones which are bought by the great unwashed masses.

  • Nov. 25, 2007, 8:09 p.m. CST

    Bring on the sequel

    by AlwaysThere

    Let's go.

  • Nov. 25, 2007, 9:01 p.m. CST

    way too harsh

    by Felix Buckman

    Maybe I'm not as jaded, er, I mean, hip and cool as you guys, but I liked it. Well-paced, some great moments, completely true to the games in tone. Clunky dialogue? Ah, who cares? Geez. I'll buy this on blu-ray.. and watch it multiple times. And stare at the hottie in hi-def.

  • Nov. 26, 2007, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Looks like it flopped, thank heavens.

    by JackPumpkinhead

    At least this cinematic garbage didn't float.

  • Nov. 26, 2007, 8:43 a.m. CST

    Kizeesh, MC9something doesn't play such games...

    by JackPumpkinhead

    And if he tried, his reaction to a thoughtful game with an actual, involving storyline would probably go along the lines of "lol, wtf, deez shit boring, kekeke, wanna blow shit up, where da guns!"

  • Nov. 26, 2007, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Budget of $30 milllion, Gross of $21 million

    by AlwaysThere

    In 5 days is a flop? OK then.