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Massawyrm Says The Only Thing HITMAN Whacks Is Off!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here. What a goddamned waste of time and talent. If there is one movie this season that it is paramount that you miss, it is Hitman. There's nothing here, nothing at all. This is what happens when someone sits down to adapt a video game to film and forgets that part of the adaptation process involves, you know, adapting it so that it makes sense in its new context. But there's none of that here. First of all, I love Timothy Olyphant. The guy's awesome. He can be funny, intimidating, lovable or throw all of that into the wind and play the worlds sleaziest super-douche. But he's not a total badass. That ain't him. You want the nice guy? You want the pissed off guy next door? Sure, he can do those things. He can be gruff enough to pull off Kurt Russell, or assholish enough to pull off Tom Cruise at his best. He is NOT Vin Diesel. When he walks onto the screen here you don't think what a badass. You think he's cancer patient with a good tailor. Then we get into the realm of what were they thinking in which you begin asking yourself questions like: what kind of supersecret organization puts its logo on every fucking thing they give to their untraceable supersecret assassin? and What kind of untraceable supersecret assassin is clearly the most noticeable person in the room? and finally what kind of untraceable, supersecret assassin has a GIANT FUCKING TATTOO on the back of his skull for easy identification? Look, that barcode might work in the video games, but I kept wanting to run Timothy Olyphant's skull across a Wal-Mart scanner to see if he rang up the Hitman video game or a box of Massingil from aisle seven. And why was I asking myself all of these questions? Well, I had to do something while I was sitting there. It's not like the plot was giving me anything to think about. Gee, an assassin hired to kill the Russian President gets double crossed and is on the run trying to solve the mystery while every other assassin on the planet is out to kill him. Holy-originality Batman! I almost don't remember that plot from 10 years ago when the Wachowskis wrote it – or the two dozen other movies that did it better, smarter and long before they did. This is written to entertain your average 13 year old, but has a rating that will insure they have to pay for Enchanted first before they sneak into this. Although if this film has one saving grace, it is that it is not only rated R, but VERY rated R. There's plenty of blood, a few halfway decent kills and a hot Russian prostitute that keeps getting butt ass naked every few minutes while trying to fuck Timothy Olyphant. But without anything else going on, this seems to portray the very worst of the stereotypical, smutty, cheap thrills action movie. Remember how base, simple and brainless xXx was? But remember how they pulled it off because it was over the top, funny and never for one moment took itself too seriously? Well, this felt like the emo little brother of that movie – the one that wanted so bad to be its big brother, but took itself WAY too fucking seriously on the path to doing it. This movie never tries to be a dumb, fun action movie. It genuinely thinks it's a cool, sleek action extravaganza. Instead, it's just another retread of the ground Ecks Vs Sever covered several years ago. But at least Ecks Vs Sever looked good when you turned off the volume. Irredeemable lazy tripe. If I didn't know better, I would have guessed that this was written DURING the WGA strike, and not long before it. If there's one good thing that will come out of the strike, it is that the guys who penned this piece of rancid garbage will have been kept away from a keyboard for at least a few weeks. Highly recommended for 13 year olds who aren't quite smart enough to figure out how to see boobies on the internet but are smart enough to sneak into a movie, and NO ONE ELSE. Really, unless shiny objects are a real passion in your life, this will rob you of a few precious brain cells too many. As a quick aside, much love to Marc Lapierre from over at Boxcar Astronaut who, inspired by my recent reminiscence about my childhood love of The Barbarians, offered up this brand spanking new Massawyrm avatar for all to enjoy. Harry gets Cartuna. Me, what do I get? Some of the coolest fucking readers in the world, that what. Thanks for reading, folks. Thanks for the kick ass pic marc. And Happy Thanksgiving, one and all. Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm
Now why do I have this sudden urge to play Rygar?

Readers Talkback
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  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:31 a.m. CST

    I thought Olyphant's were made up creatures.

    by commiepinko

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:31 a.m. CST

    The Return of the Test!

    by CatVutt

    Now where were we...?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:34 a.m. CST

    Olyphant is "not a badass"?

    by Al Swearengen

    Massawyrm, I take it you never had the fuckin' pleasure of meeting the good, upstanding Sheriff Bullock. Insane fuckin' person that he is.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:37 a.m. CST

    maybe if every theater seat had a joystick

    by aboriginal

    this movie woulda worked better - and, no, I didn't see it and never played the game. PSHAW!

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:43 a.m. CST

    the emo brother

    by harold_maude

    thanks, i'll skip this like the plague

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:44 a.m. CST

    That massawyrm artwork

    by Abominable Snowcone

    Is highly homoerotic, so I'm afraid to say it's also sort of cool-looking, but it does. The snake / sword combo is very phallic. You are literally choking your snake in the illustration!

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Olyphant, huh?

    by Kid Z

    Does a miniature Legolas climb up his side, run across his back and shoot arrows into his head?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Who didn't see this coming from a mile away?!

    by pancomplex

    Video games have, for the most part, some very compelling plots that would work wonderfully on screen if only someone in Hollywood took said plots seriously enough to write, cast and direct a worthy film adaptation.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:49 a.m. CST

    eh well...

    by Datascream

    he didn't like "No Country for Old Men"'m still going to give this movie a shot.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:49 a.m. CST

    Wow, who knew that this would suck???

    by Kloipy

    Certainly did not expect this from the Second Unit Director or Assistant Director: of Double Team the beautiful film that brought both Jean-Claude Vandamme and Dennis Rodman together!

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:50 a.m. CST

    I seriously doubt you're that buff, Massawyrm

    by skycrapper

    But funny none-the-less. This review is dissapointing but after the previews it's kind of what I expected. It's a shame cause the games are actually pretty cool. I swear the people who adapt video games into movies need to play the games first to get why they have appeal in the first place.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Usually I don't read Massa's reviews.

    by DerLanghaarige

    And I just read this one, because it's the first one of Hitman. But I stopped when he said that Timothy Olyphant is awesome.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST

    "part of the adaptation process involves, you know, adapting it"

    by The Mothman

    Bravo to that observation, and the review overall. Just don't let these fuckers touch 'The Last Express', 'The Pandora Directive' or 'Flashback'.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST

    You are wrong skycrapper

    by Kloipy

    they just need to not make any video games into movies

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:54 a.m. CST

    massa's bad reviews are the most entertaining

    by pikagreg

    even if it does suck because it means there's another worthless movie out there

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:55 a.m. CST


    by RobFromBackEast

    Olyphant was awesome, but the film wasn't great. Still, i wouldn't have abused it this much

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Damn i was

    by Series7

    gonna sneek into this after I caught The Mist to kill time while I waited for the next showing of No Country for Old Man. See I work seven days a week so I don't find time to see movies, and I got four days off and move to far away to go visit my family, so I am gonna spend all one day in the theater, and one day clearing out my DVR. Guess I'll catch Saw 4, i saw all the other saws in theaters.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 9:58 a.m. CST


    by RobFromBackEast

    You’re a miserable cocksore and i wish you harm.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:01 a.m. CST

    You think he's cancer patient with a good tailor

    by palewook

    dude, you were on fire. you made me laugh a couple of times in that review.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    yeah, a great video game makes a shitty movie:

    by newc0253

    i remember seeing the trailer for this and being distinctly underwhelmed. Olyphant's normally great and having seen him play an ornery sheriff in Deadwood and a psycho douche in Girl Next Door would make me think he could play badass reasonable well.<p> but from the trailer, it looked like he was bringing his Die Hard 4 "i don't know what i'm doing in this picture" best.<p> good review, massa. "a cancer patient with a good tailor" indeed.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    You like that Massa?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    I hope the writers' strike crushes Hollyweird

    by kabong

    out of existence. <p> Scripts should be perfectly designed before the cameras start cranking. <p> Think, you diseased-brain idiots. Or DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:07 a.m. CST

    They're currently whoring this movie so hard

    by Kizeesh

    it's like throwing a hot-dog sausage down a hallway. But it looks midway entertaining. I was about the only person I know who enjoyed Assassins.<p> The Ecks vs Sever comment frightens me though, that was shit even with the sound and picture off. It was just a shit shit shit film.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:09 a.m. CST

    shame. i liked the game and Olyphant. not that i expected

    by BMacSmith

    this to be any good. no reason to adapt this game when there are better stories out there.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:14 a.m. CST

    Video Games to movies

    by Series7

    Can be done, they just need a director with any merit to adapt them and give him a budget. Sam Rami was never a huge director, but he was a solid director and has some classic movies, he dabled in comics before with Darkman. But comic book movies where all pretty bad until Spiderman, X-men 1 isn't that good (what ever happened to Ray Park by the way?) but after Spiderman, X2, and Spidy 2 people noticed Comic Book movies. And realized that they can be done. I think its gonna take someone to adapt Zelda and show the world that there is world of movies within video games. I know batman and superman, but they were TV shows and cartoons as well it was easier to digest as a movie. And I know there were Spidy cartoons. There were also Zelda cartoons, and I think that game is just well known enough to make an awesome movie. I say take a director like Danny Boyle, someone very versitile and make it, he is a little too dark. If you make one awesome video game conversion people will start putting more money and effort into the rest of them.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:16 a.m. CST

    Please flop, please flop, please flop...

    by JackPumpkinhead

    Please tank, so that at least there is no sequel.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:25 a.m. CST

    as soon as he said Hot ass girl naked every few minutes

    by Turd Furgeson

    I knew this movie was going to make money.... We just don't get tits and ass in movies like we used to.... This of all the high school kids and kids in college who can't legally drink in bars yet, sneaking beers into a theater and watching this for a few hours...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:25 a.m. CST

    you had me at...

    by irrelevntelefant

    shiny things and boobies...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:26 a.m. CST


    by Turd Furgeson

    They will just download it after this weekend when it's on one of the download sites.....

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Ecks Vs Sever

    by Neo Zeed

    A two second Hitman TV spot looked better than the entire running time of Ecks Vs Sever. Hitman may indeed suck, but I have a hard time believing Ecks vs Sever looks better than a Luc Besson produced movie.....even a shitty one.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:32 a.m. CST

    Spot on...

    by BLEST

    except that xXx blew chunks as well.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:32 a.m. CST

    Massa loved Enchanted but hated this?

    by Frank Black

    After reading this review I went to his Enchanted review which was gushing (the previews for Enchanted made me angry at how stupid it looked) and Hitman doesn't even get a little leniency even though WE KNOW IT WILL BE STUPID BUT FUN! And furthermore, Olyphant is a badass! He was the only good thing in the last Die Hard film and his role in Deadwood redefines badass. I'll see Hitman today because I like Olphant, shit exploding, the video game, and naked chicks and I won't expect it to be great but I'll know it does what I pay it to, which is to be loud, dumb and fun! And furthermore, if I had family nearby, we watch an older classic DVD before I'd subject them to Enchanted! Massa's tastes obviously don't reflect mine nor do I feel like his reviews come from someone old enough to objectively and fairly make sound judgment.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST

    A few things:

    by Strabo

    Massa: Olyphant isn't a total badass? Have you never watched Deadwood? There were multiple times in that series where he brought a can of righteous whoop-ass down on some poor schmuck's head. He can be a great actor, but I think that, between his part in Die Hard 4 and this (presumably), he is probably going to wear out all the good will he had built up from Deadwood. I hope that's not the case, and I hope he gets a better agent, or better taste in scripts. <BR><BR>Anyway, video game adaptations are currently living in the same hell that comic book adaptations were two decades ago. The same people who were shrilly screaming then that comics aren't art and can never make a good film are screaming the same thing now about video games. <BR><BR>That was before Sin City. And X-Men 2. And A History of Violence. And V for Vendetta. And Batman Begins. And Road to Perdition. And Ghost World. Did I forget any? <BR><BR>I wish they'd pull their heads out of their asses. I wish the writers and directors of game adaptations would do the same thing. Either that, or shut the fuck up and stop fucking with the genre.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:40 a.m. CST

    video games are pretty gay anyway

    by Kloipy

    so why would they make good movies out of them?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:42 a.m. CST

    Idiot, boneheaded moves in this flick...

    by ZeroCorpse

    First of all, making a movie based on a game that is inspired by other movies is just dumb. "The creators of Hitman were inspired by Luc Besson's assassin movies such as Nikita and The Professional, Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs and the popular action movies of the Hong Kong film industry." <p> Second, why the fuck didn't they cast David Bateson? He's the model for the character, AND he does the voice. THE VOICE. He *IS* Mr. 47. The voice is the MOST IMPORTANT thing about Hitman... And they botched it in the movie. <p> Finally, I'm told they basically ignore game continuity and make up a story from scratch. BIG MISTAKE. The appeal of Hitman as a series is that it follows a very clear narrative. The needed to treat it like a book in terms of adapting for the screen. <p> Ultimately, though, they needed to not make a movie without the actual star that made the series hot.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:50 a.m. CST

    get Michel Goundry to do 'Viva Pinata'

    by Spandau Belly

    and I'm there!

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:52 a.m. CST


    by ironic_name


  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:17 a.m. CST

    Now if it'd been the Tommy Monaghan Hitman...

    by Kid Z

    ... from the 90s DC comic... maybe I would be slightly interested. I AM BATOR!

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:18 a.m. CST

    video games are gay?

    by irrelevntelefant

    if you mean gay in the "hot lesbian catholic school girl" gay... then yes, I agree <p> if you mean gay in the "clench your teeth and bear it, man-meat action" then i respectfully disagree

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:19 a.m. CST

    What? You're surprised?

    by micturatingbenjamin

    Oh man, I could smell this turdburger flying in under the radar when it was announced that Olyphant was gonna be the Hitman. YAWNS-ville - Population: Me.<p>I'll wait for DVD and watch this back to back with 28 Weeks Later and a second helping of 300.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Is this just FOX hatred?

    by UMAGA

    There's no way in hell it could be this bad from that script that leaked.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:21 a.m. CST

    I think they should have casted Patrick Stewart.

    by WickedMonster

    That guy has the voice, and with a bit of CGI, they could have made him young. He already is bald.... <p>Btw, you had me at "Hot ass Portuguese Prostitute"...I don't know what Portuguese boobies looks like. ;)

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Only good game adaption

    by tme2nsb

    Was Mortal Kombat. The first one. And maybe the reboot of the third movie...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:33 a.m. CST

    video games are gay as in

    by Kloipy

    watch me waste pointless hours of my life "pretending" to shoot little pixels on a screen and brag to my friends that I am the best at shooting little pixels all the while there are women waiting to be found and sexually pleasured, but hey some people like pussy, some people like Mario Kart

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:33 a.m. CST

    the funny thing is

    by doctor_goodspeed

    "stereotypical, smutty, cheap thrills action movie." is exactly what i'm in the mood for. i love seeing horrible movies, that way i get to walk out of the theater... go to the bar, and take it out on my liver.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:34 a.m. CST

    I think they should have castrated Patrick Stewart.

    by Uncapie

    Then he could play the lead in Hitman and be pissed off at the universe. A pissed off Picard is what the world wants to see. "GIVE ME MY BALLS BACK!" would be his battle cry as he lights up the scene with his 9mm's blazing away. Also, a good tag line for the one sheet.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:35 a.m. CST

    Olyphant as a badass...

    by adeepercut2k

    can be done and was done in Deadwood. But you aren't going to get it without him putting on a few pounds like he did in Deadwood. So far, he's been asked to play a badass-incognito. i.e. Hacker in Die Hard 4.0, a spineless scuzzbag in that hot chick movie, and now a hitman who's confused or seems to have a heart. (God hitman looks awful.) <br> If you've seen the Deadwood episode titled "Sold Under Sin", season 1 finale, then you know he can play a badass. Conviction, a willingness and a desire to inflict damage is what's needed to play a badass. You put on top of that his ability to act and I think you can have a badass at Bond-like levels.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:35 a.m. CST

    and get McG to do Rumble Roses

    by Spandau Belly

    He's more suited to that than Terminator 4.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:39 a.m. CST

    This movie sucks?

    by Heckles

    Shut up! No way! My world... it just doesn't make sense anymore.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:40 a.m. CST

    Hey Series7

    by Madines Sideshed

    With regards to no good comic book movies before Spidey 2...what about Blade? I fucking loved that film. And although x1 may not be the best film on the planet, it's better than X3 or Spidey 3 for that matter.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:47 a.m. CST

    video games and pussy are not always mutually exclusive

    by irrelevntelefant

    and when you got a chick that plays video games as well... hmmm<p> that is truly having game, brother...<P>

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:48 a.m. CST

    Yeah if she'll touch your Wii

    by Kloipy

    I guess that's a bonus

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:50 a.m. CST


    by Al Swearengen

    Huzzah!<P>How about a whiskey on the fuckin' house?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:55 a.m. CST

    Ebert liked it...and used it as an excuse to insult video games

    by lex romero

    Apparantly all of the bad action scenes are because it's adapted from a videogame...despite the fact it doesn't seem to have much to do with the videogame other than having a bald assassin, and ignoring the fact it would have had bad action scenes no matter what it was adapted from.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:58 a.m. CST

    Yeah Ebert also loved Mr. Magoo's Wonder Igloo

    by Kloipy

    and didn't like The Mist. He's an asshole

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:08 p.m. CST

    Picking the wrong games

    by Shoun

    I don't know who thought Hitman would make a good movie, but they obviously didn't play the games. The story fucking sucks, period. The gameplay is the only good thing about the series, and once you remove that you're left with nothing but a shitty movie. Silent Hill is probably the best videogame adaption because it has character. It's not based only on action, it's based in an interesting world with an interesting story (which I'll admit they screwed up). Now hire some descent actors and you have yourself a movie worth watching. Action games make bad movies, but they make a quick buck, and that's the bottom line.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:10 p.m. CST

    is it better

    by Lloyd Bonafide the Korean War Veteran

    than ghost rider?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:10 p.m. CST

    Ebert has eaten the shark...

    by irrelevntelefant

    too fat to jump it.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:14 p.m. CST

    Madines Sideshed

    by Series7

    Yeah i there are a few out there that I ferget about. I really liked Spawn, the special effects for parts of that movie were amazing, plus Todd was part of the process, its not a great movie but good to the comic. The thing about all those movies though is that they weren't mega hits like Spidy. See the thing is that you have to make a video game movies chicks will like, and chicks dig spiderman movies, not spawn or blade or batman or superman. Yes some chicks do but for the most part they could care less. But I have never met a girl that didn't like spidy. Thats why I think Zelda could be a video game movie that chicks could like and want to see, but if they don't they are just caterting to the geeky video game guys which is not going to make for a huge success. And good directors won't be interested in adapating video games. If Jackson has stuck with Halo, i think that could have been the big hit video games need to get respect, but that's a lost dream. Plus Zelda, Halo, Warcraft are all huge games. Hitman and Blade are not big comics/games.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:23 p.m. CST

    Should have been Stratham, should have been silent

    by aversiontherapy2

    From the trailers it looks like he talks about his childhood, goes on a 'date' and gets laid. They should have made him a stone cold killer who keeps his mouth shut and was only motivated by a twisted sense of justice. That's as far as the character examination should have gone, the rest would just be a hard, cold and merciless action thriller.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:24 p.m. CST

    Series 7

    by Kloipy

    My wife HATES Spider-man. I mean she FUCKING HATES IT. And her hate, rubbed off on me from the opening line of "It's your friendly neighborhood...oh you know" Tobey Maquire is a fucking douchebag in that movie

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:24 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm Says Hitman Misses, Bro!

    by Abominable Snowcone

    If you pay to see it, you're looking to get whacked off.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:28 p.m. CST

    It always looked awful

    by mastes360

    When i saw the trailer, the first thing that came into my mind was 'Electra' !.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:30 p.m. CST

    better than ghost rider?

    by irrelevntelefant

    holding my face for 2 hours over my 17 month olds full diaper-genie that has been left out in 110degree heat/100% humidity, while fire ants nibble away at my testicles and taint is better than "ghost rider"<p> and if mark steven johnson fucks up 'preacher', garth ennis will go "garth ennis' punisher" on his dumb ass

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:30 p.m. CST

    Did he say he liked XXX?

    by shitstorm23

    Cause that was a huge, stupid, piece of terrible shit that makes me look down on those who enjoyed it. You are less of a person than I am if you enjoyed it. Nothing would ever make me feel any different. Sorry.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:32 p.m. CST

    "Some people like Pussy. Others...Mario Kart"

    by Kentucky Colonel

    Colour me in the Pussy camp. I do love my MAME emulator, though.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:33 p.m. CST

    "Olyphant is not a bad-ass"

    by Kentucky Colonel

    That may be true, but he's a far shade buffer than most other editorial cartoonists.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:36 p.m. CST


    by shitstorm23

    Why did you have to remind me of johnson's inevitable fuck up of Preacher? I don't know how he'll turn it into a terrible mess, but we all know he will. The only hope is the source material being too good to really screw with.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Kentucky Colonel

    by Kloipy

    glad to hear it. Welcome to camp Pussy

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:56 p.m. CST

    shitstorm-supposedly, preacher...

    by irrelevntelefant

    is going to try go be a panel for panel, word for word film version of the book (or very close to it) <p> maybe it will be the one project he gets right...<p> refus sewell would make a good Preacher..

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 12:58 p.m. CST

    Damn it! Hitman would've made a killer movie...

    by Kasch

    How hard is it to adapt a cool video game properly? Sheesh.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1 p.m. CST


    by Series7

    Yeah I agree, I didn't really like Spiderman 1 or 3, 2 was alright mainly for the bad guy and special effects. Tobe's was a fag in that movie, and he is a boner for saying I'll never make another Spiderman movie. Because he is too good? Hey at least your wife isn't an idiot about movies like most girls I meet and date. But overall man bitches dig it.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:02 p.m. CST


    by Wilclas

    ... oh, the horror...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    that sword is too big

    by kafka07

    yeah it's too big and heavy looking to take on a snake with. In real life the snake would slither around it and own you. Oh yeah so anyway I hope this shit movie doesn't fuck up Olyphant's career.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:05 p.m. CST

    I had my doubts

    by Just another useless chump with a microphone

    About this movie. I really did. I mean it kinda looked cool, but it also had that "oh crap, they went for style over substance" look to it. I had this sinking feeling it was going to be a slick looking horribly written and acted Hollywood adaptation. <br> But if there's one thing I've learned in years of reading this site, it's that Massawyrm is always wrong. Without fail. So I guess this review restored my faith in this movie. I still don't think it'll be GOOD, but I think it'll be better than I'd feared.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:07 p.m. CST

    the only thing that would make massa's logo

    by irrelevntelefant

    gayer would be if the snake was spitting in his face...<p>

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:19 p.m. CST

    Tobey Maquire just looks like a prick

    by Kloipy

    everytime I see him I'd love to smash his face with a cinder block. Too good for spider-man, he's not good enough for daredevil. Fuck that guy, they should have aborted his ass in the Cider House

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:26 p.m. CST

    Olyphant's casting makes sense

    by skimn

    if your assassin is to move undetected and stealthily (which was the purpose of the game), unlike a Vin Diesel type. Okay the gleaming bald head and price-scan-on-aisle 13 tattoo makes no sense, but the character should be "normal" sized, not a pumped up brute. But what does it matter...this looks BBBAAADDDD.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:44 p.m. CST

    Video Games are NOT Gay...

    by micturatingbenjamin

    Bragging about gamer skillz is gay...Buying a headset to talk to your anonymous foes over the interweb, spewing anti-semitic racist bullshit because you think it's 'shocking', now THAT'S fucking GA-HEY-HEE!<p>But, one man's struggle against a mall filled with ravenous zombies? Fucking genius....Being an amoral death row inmate killing for Brian Cox's pleasure...not gay in the least. Gears of War is the least gay video game I've played since...well...ever.<p>People bad at video games getting punked like the prison bitches they are calling video games 'gay'...FUCKING EXTRA GA-HEEEEYY! (Oh, and I mean 'gay' as in 'retarded' not 'gay' as in homosexual...see, Sarah Silverman makes everything better! COOKIE MOFUGGIN PARTY, Y'ALL!)<p>Seriously, dudes who call video games gay have the red, welted hand prints of Pan-Asian pre-teens on their ass from all the fucking humiliating spankings they received at Tekken or fucking Halo or Counter-Strike the first time they played and couldn't take losing like a fucking adult. Games ain't GAY...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:47 p.m. CST


    by TheDohDoh

    The only good thing Olyphant has done is GO. He was too cheesy and faux-serious/macho to be a believable cowboy in Deadwood and he does indeed look like a fucking cancer patient in Hitman. It just doesn't work. He ALSO FUCKED UP THE DIE HARD FRANCHISE by playing a stupid hacker fuck who should have had a skateboard. I agree with Massa, the barcode makes no sense. Imagine you're at a soiree at some smartly dressed dude has a barcode on his head. YOU'RE GOING TO REMEMBER THAT FOREVER. And how many people will go up to the Hitman and ask "What the fuck is that on your head for? Are you emo?" Barcode tatts are for emo lameoids. True story.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Jason Statham

    by micturatingbenjamin

    Should have been the (s)Hitman. Yeah, the game version of the guy, the tattoo is on the nape of his neck, and you could hide that shit with a collar. But Statham would have fucking ROCKED as Number 47. Fuck.<p>Where's Uwe Boll? He could have done what was needed; attached his name so we would KNOW to avoid this crapsalad.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:53 p.m. CST

    Kloipy hates videogames because his wife told him to.

    by Galilee

    But he covers his loss of masculinity by saying how much he likes "pussy" like a 17 year-old high school jock.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:54 p.m. CST


    by KarmicRelief

    I wish my lawn was emo. That way it would cut itself...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:54 p.m. CST

    true, but DanceDance Revolution is gay

    by irrelevntelefant

    in the retarded way, in the meat packing way, in the "it only hurts the first time" way, in the reach around way...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:56 p.m. CST

    I disagree about Deadwood.

    by micturatingbenjamin

    Olyphant was a badass in Deadwood. Anyone who says he wasn't, has most likely forgotten the two greatest sentences ever spoken in the cowboy genre: 'BE where I can FIND you.' and 'Will I find you have a knife?' and the fucking brawl that ensues...Badass. Bullock taking Hearst to jail by the ear like a toddler...badass.<p>I do agree that Olyphant doesn't look like a tough guy in this flick. But it reminds me of the time this summer I went to Great America...there was this guy in the Flash costume that was built like a swimmer, and the costume was baggy on him, obviously a size or two smaller than the guy...and the first thing I said when I saw him after barking a laugh was: 'Looks like Flash couldn't outrun cancer.'<p>Of course, my apartment in Hell is going to be nice, because truly if that's the FIRST thing out of my mouth, I'm a goddamned monster.<p>I want more about Jumper rather than this crap, by the way! Where's the Cool News on that flick? It looks pretty awesome.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST


    by micturatingbenjamin

    Is not GAY. It is for the ladies. Just like tampons aren't gay, but one might be considered gay if they preferred tampons to wiping their ass.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:04 p.m. CST

    You know who should have been (s)Hitman?

    by micturatingbenjamin

    The fuckin' lead singer from Smashing Pumpkins. That would have cemented Number 47 in the minds of the public as a BAD ASS.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:06 p.m. CST

    then why is it always dudes playing DDR?

    by irrelevntelefant

    the only acceptible reasons a guy ever has to dance are<p> a. he is drunk at a club trying to pick up a chick<p> b. he is drunk at a friend/family members wedding<p> c. he is drunk at his own wedding<p> and d. someone is shooting at his feet, yelling "dance mutherfucker, dance"

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:06 p.m. CST

    Why the hell is Enchanted getting such great reviews?!

    by TheMcflyFarm

    It looks like the next Date Movie and Epic Movie, only worse

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:07 p.m. CST

    Off-Subject, Sort Of...

    by micturatingbenjamin

    Does anyone else look at Beowulf, and say 'Is that prick just wearing a backwards ball cap?' I dunno, I can't get the image of Beowulf - the 'Wulf-Man' or 'Bey-bey' to his frat - looking for Grendel's MILF after banging that hot cheerleader wife of Hannibal after the world's longest kegger.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:10 p.m. CST

    micturatingbenjamin and galilee

    by Kloipy

    all I'm saying is that I think it's a waste of time and gay. I haven't owned a game system since super nintendo, and since then, I have learned how to play music, get girls, get a wife, and actually live my life, instead vicariously through a stupid game about bald dude sneaking up on other dudes. Or playing a pretend guitar to impress NO ONE, or pretending to hit a tennis ball with a stupid joystick instead of actually doing it in real life. I bet both of you use that stupid PWN phrase don't you?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:10 p.m. CST

    irrelevant...DDR...the revenge...

    by micturatingbenjamin

    Okay, point made, guys who play DDR are gay. WAY gay...WAAAAY WAAAAY WAAAAAAAAAAAAY gay. But the game is like Hannah Montana...made for little prepube girls, more specifically Japanese prepube girls who are like fucking mental, apparently, because the flashing lights and music are seizure enducing.<p>What they should do, if they really want to torture the inmates at Gitmo, is fucking pipe in that goddamned 'Samurai' song at full volume into the cells more of this pussy waterboarding.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:14 p.m. CST

    micturatingbenjamin what is up

    by Kloipy

    with your obvious obsession with asian tweens? I think we got into your subconscience a little today

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:16 p.m. CST

    for someone who thinks it's WAAAAYYYY GAYYY

    by Kloipy

    you seem to know a lot about it, buddy

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST


    by micturatingbenjamin

    Yeah, as in this response PWNs you. Joking. Fuck man, I have a wife, play tennis occasionally though I do suck balls and shaft at it, and help out with a buddy of mine's little wrestling show he has (setting up rings and stuff) here in the wild North, AND I go outside regularly enough to be respectable.<p>But even through all that, I fucking make time to participate in interactive entertainment, and think that games are fucking fun. Entertainment is just that: a waste of fucking time, so who cares if I play pretend I'm a guy in a mall, crushing zombie heads with a fucking mallet, or if you on the other hand suck cancer patients off for beer money?! Not saying you DO that, just if you did I wouldn't go off on cocksucking just because that's the way YOU choose to spend Thanksgiving. Now THAT'S a gay activity! Kidding with you man, but I wouldn't paint all video game players with the same broad 'gay' brush, just because you choose to spend your money on golf clubs, baseball bats and MetRx shakes.<p>Meanwhile, I'll play through another round of Wii golf against my brother, or go outside and play fucking lawn darts or whatever, knowing that whatever I do when I'm not at work is always pretty much a waste of time if I'm not doing something productive. I'll just thank my lucky stars that I have the money to waste on pretend fucking guitars, extra controllers and shit.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:19 p.m. CST

    I'm getting mixed signals here..

    by jabbayoda

    You say the movie's not good, but there is lots of nudity. I'm not sure what the final verdit is...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:21 p.m. CST

    Asian Tweens...

    by micturatingbenjamin

    Rule video games. I'm an old man. I played Street Fighter II..and all the iterations, spending money in the arcades and watched as, in tournaments, my ass would be carved to fucking pieces by asian tweens.<p>Prepube Japanese girls are the market for DDR, based on the video footage of Japanese arcades I've seen. Yeah, pretty much any gamer has the red welty marks on their ass from the Asian Tween Uber-Game-Or.<p>And you don't have to suck dick to recognize a cocksucker Kloipy. I'm responding to one now...<p><p><p><p>PWNED.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:30 p.m. CST

    LOL micturatingbenjamin

    by Kloipy

    Dude you crack me up. I don't play any sports or wear shit like that. I'm more of a music and film kinda guy, and i know that not ALL gamers are gay, just a vast majority of the ones I've met. I don't think you are a cocksucker, but I still am wary of your asian tween thing.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:35 p.m. CST

    and if you are an 'old man'

    by Kloipy

    I'm sure you wouldn't use the phrase "pwn" anyways. And how do you go from, killing zombies, to sucking off cancer patients? That's a pretty big leap there man. Is that game called "Suck Malignant Cock Hero" ?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:38 p.m. CST

    oh and the Lead singer from the Pumpkins is Billy Corgan

    by Kloipy

    as a guy who was alive for "Street Fighter 2" you should probably know that.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:41 p.m. CST

    don't get me wrong, micturatingbenjamin

    by irrelevntelefant

    never once did I sacrifice a chance with female for the sake of a playing video game... that's would be gay<p>

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:42 p.m. CST

    We've gotten to a video games are gay arguement?

    by skimn

    They are a diversion, a little respite from the daily grind. Just like noodling around with a guitar, drumkit, piano, etc., or kicking back and enjoying a favorite TV show or movie. Give it a rest.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:45 p.m. CST

    NEVER SKIMN!!!!!

    by Kloipy

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:46 p.m. CST

    I support...

    by BigTexas42

    the hot Russian prostitute that keeps getting butt ass naked every few minutes on this one

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:46 p.m. CST

    Billy Corgan

    by MC-909

    as Hitman? That was a joke, right?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:46 p.m. CST

    If you stood in line for over 3 hours to buy a game

    by Kloipy

    than you are gay

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:47 p.m. CST


    by Norseman1111


  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:47 p.m. CST


    by Kloipy

    Dude, some guy thinks that would be cool. oh and fuck whales

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:49 p.m. CST

    where can i get

    by irrelevntelefant

    that "sucking off cancer patients"game... do they have it for wii?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:50 p.m. CST

    If you score over 1,000,000 points on Guitar Hero

    by skimn

    then you are gay. Only because South Park says so. Kloipy, you do give me a laugh, though.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:54 p.m. CST

    if you use phrase like "teh suck" "pwn" and "gamerz"

    by Kloipy

    you are gay. Oh and you can buy that game at

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:55 p.m. CST

    "Massawyrm says HITMAN isnt a Hit, Man!"

    by Mike_D

    haha, thats priceless.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:55 p.m. CST

    micturatingbenjamin-i did make the decision...

    by irrelevntelefant

    to not buy "guitar hero 3" and instead get one of those "learn to play guitar" packages.<p> I too am an old man (over 30), never too late to learn...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:55 p.m. CST

    Hitman games are sweet

    by MC-909

    They are much more "Mission: Impossible" than they are "Triple X". Hey, speaking of gay...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:56 p.m. CST

    if you go home tonight and pretend it's me you are shooting

    by Kloipy

    in your video game because what I said hurt your feelings, you are really gay

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:56 p.m. CST

    billy corigan was just cast....

    by irrelevntelefant

    to star in the movie based on the "suck off a cancer patient game".... so that's pretty cool

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:57 p.m. CST

    good choice irrelevntelefant

    by Kloipy

    on the guitar, it's much more rewarding and you don't look like a douche playing it

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:58 p.m. CST

    starring micturatingbenjamin as the cock

    by Kloipy

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 2:59 p.m. CST

    Happy turkey day everybody!!!

    by Kloipy

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 3 p.m. CST


    by MC-909

    If someone goes home tonight and pretends they're shooting at you in a video game, them being gay should be the least of your worries. <p> Although, the image of a pissed off gamer screaming at the screen "Fuck YOU, Kloipy!" is pretty funny.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 3:12 p.m. CST

    Kloipy in my video game...

    by BigTexas42

    I'm gonna go home and play "CakeMania 2" and pretend that Kloipy is the bastard who keeps ording more cakes - "TAKE THAT, KLOIPY - YOU GOT SERVED!!!"

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 3:17 p.m. CST

    XXX was terrible

    by queerfilmjunkie

    You say Olyphant is not Vin Diesel, as if that's a bad thing.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 3:29 p.m. CST

    Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends, because if we

    by BMacSmith

    you'd know that I give head before I give favors and I don't even give my best friends head so your chances of getting a favor are pretty fucking slim.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 3:30 p.m. CST

    Go is so underrated. great movie

    by BMacSmith

    THis thread is an excuse to mention Go.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 3:33 p.m. CST

    BMac, "pretty fucking slim"

    by irrelevntelefant

    means there's still a chance, right?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 3:45 p.m. CST

    The fact someone didn't take one look...

    by poeticwarriorII

    at Timothy with a shaved and head and say Oh shit, what have we done here? was a clear indication this project had it's head buried firmly in up its ass. This looked like utter shit from the get go.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 4:08 p.m. CST

    Don't blame the writers

    by Dapper Swindler

    What often happens with projects like this is one writer will write a decent screenplay, then it will be rewritten dozens of times by producers who want more explosions and keep dumbing it down more and more. That's what happened to Doom, that's what happened to Alone in the Dark (hard to believe there was once a decent Alone in the Dark script out there before it was trashed). It's all about reaching the lowest common denominator.<p> I guess the best video game movie is still Silent Hill - and that was a terrible movie.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 4:36 p.m. CST

    I'm surprised that it's R rated

    by ELGordo

    The studio removed the director from the edit and brought in the dude who cut the PG13 version of Die Hard 4. So I was expecting a tame ass crap fest. Now it seems it's a gruesome crap fest.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 5:07 p.m. CST

    I liked GO

    by WickedMonster

    Watched on HBO, I think, two weeks ago at 2:00 am in the morning. Kept me awake all night. Its like CRANK on weed, but it induces a lot more anxiety. <p>I had to go to work at 8:00 am. Crap. Good thing the boss wasn't in.</p> And Videogames ain't gay. If you think so, then you're a dick...or a moron, whichevers worse.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 5:20 p.m. CST

    Movies make shitty Video games too.

    by mistergreen

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 5:32 p.m. CST

    not surprised with this hitman movie..

    by theonecalledshoe

    So long as the dark knight and iron man movies do well. geekdom is saved.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 5:35 p.m. CST

    Whatever happened to Rygar?

    by DarthCorleone

    I'm talking about the original arcade game - not the various incarnations on the home consoles since. I loved that arcade game and have wanted a direct port of it for a long time.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 5:44 p.m. CST


    by Series7

    Geekdom will be save when the new Star Trek movie kicks ass. Now there a show/movie that never made a decent game.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 5:53 p.m. CST

    Fuck i want to see two movies tonight

    by Series7

    I was hoping that this was good so I could hop from the Mist to this... now i may have to see Saw. There isn't anything else good at the theater I am going two. I am not going to see American Gangster, because I don't support it. Even if it is good, its one of those movies that should have been fucking amazing, not just good. Plus Ridley Scott movies are very similar. Watch the movies Alien and Hanibal back to back and they have very VERY similar feel and pacing. Its kinda of weird because you would never expect it. Fuckit, I am just gonna drink during the Mist so when its over I'll be drunk and watch the hitman. Also whats the deal with French directors doing video game movies?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 6:10 p.m. CST

    I fundamentally don't believe it is possibly to make a good movi

    by kirttrik

    Can't be done. The only game I think might be able to do it, depending on the director is the Half-Life series. Halo might of been good too but studio exec's sensed this and immediately put a stop to it.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Good movie from video game

    by kirttrik

    cant be done.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 6:14 p.m. CST

    i already saw the problem when i saw the lead in commercial

    by Prossor

    and laughed and was in awe they cast what looked like a bald girl. don't they know the guy looks like a grumpy 40 something year old dude? this is supposed to be a daniel craig type, instead they cast a justin timberlake.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 6:27 p.m. CST

    Go is underrated?

    by blindambition238

    Who doesn't love that movie? Perfectly captures the feeling of all those great drinking/ smoking/ shooting stories you tell your friends rolled into one.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 6:28 p.m. CST

    You guys are right...

    by down75

    Yeah video games are gay and fucking music and art and stuff in fact any form of entertainment its all gay,gay,gay. But ohhh how badass was Olyphant when he played the sheriff in that show that was so fucking good it got canceled. Mmmm he was so badass that hat and those eyes omg he made me so hard err wait um I mean video games are gay.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Games Or Sex


    Come on guys, Games win every time! Sex has gotta be the most over rated activity of all time! Whereas Gaming is improving all the time, just think how good games will be in 5 to 10 years time! Sex is one dimensional and is pretty much the same thing over and over again. A blowy here, a bit of doggy there, up against a wall and then blowing your load over her tits. Whereas a gaming experience is different every time and with so many different types of genres your spoiled for choice. I feel sorry for short dicked men who live only for pussy and will always feel inadequate. Wish I could lend em mine, for whilst I pleasure my women every night and sometimes her friends, I gotta confess Gears of War, Halo, Dead Rising and Pro Evolution Soccer 6 is always on the back of my mind! And is just me or is eating pussy just dead boring, just a load of jaw ache for something that doesn't taste nice and resembles a badly packed kebab?

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 6:46 p.m. CST


    by chrth

    Damn that blade was cool.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 7:26 p.m. CST

    7th Guest -- The Movie

    by Dain Bramage

    It'll make millions.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 7:27 p.m. CST

    What they should have done...

    by seppukudkurosawa

    is adapt Garth Ennis' Hitman comic instead of the game.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 7:29 p.m. CST

    Bright side of the strike....

    by Dr. Hilarius

    it delays Skip Woods from finishing the sure to be shit G.I. Joe script.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 7:33 p.m. CST

    Hey, Funny Review!

    by Akira Cowabunga

    Not often you guys make me laugh. But I also think you're probably right about the movie, though I haven't seen it. Have you noticed they show very little of Olyphant's face in the previews? I'm thinking they also realize that he looks silly. I like Olyphant too, but he doesn't look all tough as a baldy. This would have been a good role for Bruce Willis a while ago. Plus, Olyphant is too young and pretty for the shaved look. But maybe we should give up having high expectation for movies made from video games...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 8:06 p.m. CST

    Should'a cast David Bateson

    by ZeroCorpse

    David Bateson was the guy who played 47 in the games. He was the model for the character, and he also performed the voice in every game. He IS 47, without a doubt. He's also an experienced actor and would have been the logical choice... Even if they had to throw more money at him than Olyphant. <p> Hitman is already a rip-off of a variety of movies... an homage, so-to-speak. The story is not all that important. What is important is the attitude, VOICE, and look of 47... And they BLEW IT. <p> This was all the casting director's fault. No matter how bad the script was, if they'd cast David Bateson in the role it would have been Mr. 47. It would have been Hitman, and they would have gotten people to see it based on that fact alone. As it stands, most fans of the game are avoiding the movie because the lead looks awful in the role. He doesn't look like 47 at all... He looks like 47's little brother, 23.5

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 8:11 p.m. CST

    did anyone anticipate a good flick be honest.

    by dr.bulber

    yum olga.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 8:21 p.m. CST

    the adaption part.....

    by awesomebri

    you mentioned the tattoo and the labeled items. I'm sure this movie does suck but taking these elements away would be like taking away superman's 'S'. Thats why adaptations fail... because they don't stick to the source material. that and the bad scripts. also mentioning you liked xXx doesn't convince me of you opinion, after that i will be gambling those two hours of my life(if only for the hot chick)

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 8:22 p.m. CST

    Hitman is not filmworthy.

    by Shermdawg

    This coming from a huge fan of the property. It's plot is by the numbers, and usually skipped by players to get into the real meat of the game. The main appeal of the series is it's sandbox nature of taking out contracts. It's about exploration. The enviroments are the main character, NOT Agent 47. <br><br> Also, I don't understand why Statham's name keeps coming up. He would've been just as terribly miscast as Olyphant. By casting Statham, they would most likely mold 47 into a completely different character. Hitman isn't meant to be straight up action. LIke someone mentioned before, it's Mission:Impossible. The first one. Stealth is the name of the game, and the series, despite offering a vast selection of firearms, encourages to avoid the using them.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 8:24 p.m. CST

    i agree with zerocorpse

    by irrelevntelefant

    jason bateman would have been perfect as agent 47. teen wolf 2, arrested development- HE IS BAD ASS PERSONIFIED...<p> oh... wait...<P> damn my sporadic dyslexia...<p> i'm sticking by my jason bateman assessment though...

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 8:25 p.m. CST

    new review title

    by irrelevntelefant

    "someone please hit the reset button on HITMAN"

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 8:49 p.m. CST

    And in other news...CRANK 2 is coming!

    by IAmMrMonkey!

    Apparently it begins with the ending of CRANK and then Stratham's character opens his eyes and stands up! Not only that but he then proceeds to get some device put inside him that discharges electricity if his heartbeat doesn't remain at a high pace!<p>Unfortunately, as much as i liked CRANK, this isn't a joke.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 10:21 p.m. CST

    Timothy Olyphant was a lame Die Hard villain

    by Osmosis Jones

    No menace, no wittiness...Live Free Or Die Hard was a lot of fun, but Olyphant sucked ass. Maggie Q should have been the head baddie (that would have been novel...McClane matching wits with a FEMALE antagonist).

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:47 p.m. CST

    Great fucking review,

    by F-1000

    Really, bravo. Dare I say of Vern caliber in terms of observing irony and pointing it out in a hilarious fashion.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:52 p.m. CST

    Crank is the biggest piece of shit ever.

    by F-1000

    As you would expect from any movie that uses "Google Earth" as an effect. It was like using lines to criss cross continents on a globe to signify air travel. Except on crack, and a glaringly cheap way to do so, obviously to save cash. And I'm not even going to comment on the movie because sadly the Google Earth effect as shitty as it was; was also the most innovative thing that movie accomplished. That movie was worth less than Monopoly money.

  • Nov. 21, 2007, 11:58 p.m. CST

    'The only thing HITMAN whacks is off!'

    by Darkman

    ...fucking gold. In some ways, I'll always be 15 years old. <br><br> To the first poster, 'fictional'? Come on, there are lots of Olyphants in the circus. I could do with a nice, cool glass eliminate. Stupid post, yes, but it's one in the morning where I am. Good night.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 2:57 a.m. CST

    Ebert's review

    by Kizeesh

    is bullshit as usual, especially when he starts laying into the high bodycount and bad-guys popping up and being shot in sequence. Had he 1 iota of experience about the game in question he'd know that's pretty much the absolute opposite of how the Hitman games are played.<p> but hey, he's an old man hitting out at what he doesn't understand from his ivory tower. Why get my knickers in a twist?

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 3:24 a.m. CST

    You liked xXx and Ecks vs Sever...

    by Sledge Hammer your opinion I trust not one bit on this, or any other action film related matter.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 5:01 a.m. CST

    Ummm XXX as somewhat redeemable?

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

    Fuck off. Try again. How about, watch movies? Seriously, I always thought Massawyrm had intellect, guess not. XXX? That was shit, and your comments (no matter how metaphorical or sarcastic) were useless. If you wanted reaction, well, obviously you got one. And here I sit writing...I'm the butt of your joke; not the lame ass movie, but me. A would be fan of the site and your comments. Thanks, Massa' for the pain and confusion. Listen to Tool's "Message for Harry Manback"...that's the only retort I can resort to.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 5:06 a.m. CST

    MASSAWRYM insulted me & I was dumb enough to post

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

    I guess I suck at life.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 6:11 a.m. CST

    Next up: Assassin's Creed: The Movie!

    by Kragmose

    Watch as David Hasselhoff jumps rooftops, punches baddies, and saves damsels in distress!

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 7:37 a.m. CST

    by Kizeesh

    Frankly, seeing as there is a general dearth of brainless actioners and gunplay films at the cinema these days, I think we owe it to ourselves to see some outrageous shootin' and killin'.<p> Plus I disagree with Massa (and most other people) enough to warrant seeing it and forming my own opinions rather than being a shouty thread-flaming sheep who bases opinions in circumspect ideas and bad upbringing... and relax.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Christian Bale in T4 is a good bit of casting

    by kabong

    Los Angeles (eCanadaNow) - Christian Bale is to star in ‘Terminator 4’, it has been claimed. The ‘American Psycho’ star has reportedly signed up to play John Connor, the saviour of the human race, in ‘Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins’. The fourth installment of the ‘Terminator’ series is being helmed by ‘Charlie’s Angels’ director McG and is due to start filming early next year. McG hopes the movie will be the first of a new ‘Terminator’ trilogy set in the future, telling the story of the war between humans and the Skynet robots.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 12:54 p.m. CST

    My money where my mouth is...

    by Frank Black

    Instead of vehemently disagreeing and calling out messa I thought I would see Hitman for myself and so my wife and I did, and liked it. Shortcoming? Yes. Lite on story and plot? Absolutely! Entertaining, um hell yes!!! It exceeded my low expectations and had some of my favorite character actors. This wasn't Jean Luc Goddard's Hitman, it was a Hollywood version of a video game and thankfully not a PG-13 one. People need to lighten up and enjoy it for what it is.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 12:55 p.m. CST

    American Gangster

    by emeraldboy

    doesnt gell. for some reason. Scott cant escape Bladerunner.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 3:49 p.m. CST

    "unless shiny objects are a real passion in your life,"

    by Cory849

    So wait...Hitman is a chick flick?

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Saw it. COuld've been way better - but see it without expectati

    by Russman

    and you may find it a tiny bit entertaining. Don't get me wrong, the movie is a text book case of - my god, why did they fuck this up. But I felt less cheated by this than I did with Episode II & III. If you have high hopes, you'll be disappointed but if you go in with a "why not" attitude, you may not hate yourself that much when it's over. And if you don't like those odds, then get someone to rent it in 3 months.

  • Nov. 22, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    gruff enough to be kurt russell?

    by ClockWorker

    apparantly massaworm didn't see DEATH PROOF where Russell set a new standard for the term "bad motherfucker"

  • Nov. 23, 2007, 12:27 a.m. CST

    WELL! ...all I can say is...

    by bma2192

    I really enjoyed a movie that you totally HATE. --and that's after agreeing with the facts... LOGOs on all his stuff...a freakin' screen saver with said-logo... openning up his laptop and reading about his next hit OUT in PUBLIC at the station... sure, sure... but also, he's just about invincible and lucky enough to NEVER get SHOT, which, by-the-way, is the case with many movies that you admit are GREAT and that you yourself LOVE, Im sure. And none of these points have anything to do with a video game being the source material-- that's par for the course with this genre-- and THAT's exactly what I was in the mood for tonight when I saw the movie. Olyphant was great-- Olga and the interaction between her and the hitman was tense, and funny and serious ( not in that order) -- they didnt pull any punches with her nude scenes either-- she's beautiful and added to the fantasy element-- and, yes, I sadly agree that the story bringing the characters together acted and felt like plot device to...well, bring them together-- and hitmen were appearing out of nowhere...but, dude-- this isnt Casino Royal, where the plot elements need to tie together and give you a true sense of...well, you get the idea-- this was good fun-- and you said that it should have taken itself less seriously like xXx, because you feel that xXx worked better-- and who knows...maybe it did-- I enjoyed it on video just fine(xXx, that is) -- but I saw lots of humor in this film-- lots of elements that pointed to the fact that it was good action fun for the sake of having some good action fun-- I think that the problem lies, NOT with the fact that its source material is a game franchise, BUT that people have a pre-conceived idea of what they think it should be (in tone or content) either from playing the game, or being sold on the Trailer, which , of course, can lead you to believe anything to get you to buy a ticket... Aeon Flux sure burned me good in THAT department. Anyways, all that to say-- Ive seen action flicks that were really BAD that got way better reviews-- and I can live with the fact that I may like something that a lot of other people DONT-- but I think that this film has gotten more of a bad spin than it rightfully deserves... and a lot more people enjoyed it than you might think-- but dont hold it against me, i ate way too much today and I realy wanted to sit down for a while :)

  • Nov. 24, 2007, 3:11 a.m. CST

    Not good? Not a surprise...

    by PurityOfEssence

    But I am surprised that when you see Vin Diesel walk onto the screen you think "What a bad ass." Kind of nauseated by that sentiment actually.

  • Nov. 24, 2007, 3:20 a.m. CST

    I disagree Abominable Snowcone...

    by PurityOfEssence

    How can it really be homoerotic. Since their is only one human figure in the image and you already pointed out that the snake is positioned in a representation of the figures phallus I don't quite see any homoerotism. Though I won't argue that the image has a distinct masturbatory motif.

  • Nov. 25, 2007, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Wasn't that bad

    by Green Arrow

    C'mon guys, it was a good popcorn flick. Anyone walking into this expecting any different should have their head examined. Lots of shooting, cool scenes, and the chick (I kept thinking of Kirk's shapeshifter chick in The Undiscovered Country when I saw her) was smokin' hot. I did keep thinking, What happened to Seth Bullock's head? the whole time I was watching, but it was an okay movie all in all.

  • Nov. 25, 2007, 4:07 p.m. CST

    PS - I miss Deadwood

    by Green Arrow