Hey all. Capone in Chicago here.

So here's the premise: Santa Claus has an older brother who, since they were kids, always resented the way young Nick was coddled and adored by his parents for all the good deeds he did on behalf of the less fortunate everywhere. He resented him so much that he left home at a young age and moved to Chicago, where he grew up to become a shifty, thoughtless businessman named Fred (Vince Vaughn). Fred is dating a Chicago cop (Rachel Weisz), whose very presence in the film is confusing (more on that in a second), and is on the verge of opening the only OTB in Chicago's Loop. The only problem is, he's broke and so is forced to contact his brother for a loan/early Christmas gift. Easily swayed by people in need in general and his brother in particular, Santa (Paul Giamatti, inspired casting, I'll admit) agrees to give Fred the money, but Mrs. Claus (Miranda Richardson) forces Nick to stipulate that Fred come to the North Pole to help with production to earn the cash. Fred agrees.

While Fred is trying to lend a hand, an efficiency expert (Kevin Spacey, who will be utterly embarrassed that he was ever in this movie in about three days) shows up at Santa's Village to find out why production can't seem to keep up with demand and threatens to shut down Santa's workshop if things don't improve (wasn't this storyline used in one of the SANTA CLAUSE movies?). Shockingly enough, Fred is so selfish that he doesn't seem to care that the world's children won't get their toys if he doesn't perform his job correctly, which he doesn't.

Where to begin? I literally only laughed one time during this entire weak-ass production. There's a scene in the final third of the movie where Fred goes to a Siblings Anonymous meeting populated by some interesting faces. I was laughing more at the fact that these people even agreed to be in the movie than at any of the jokes being told, but funny is funny, so I'll give them points for inspiration. The rest of the film is an abysmal mess. We get it. Fred doesn't like his brother or his parents for paying such special attention to his brother. The film does nothing more than take this tired sibling rivalry storyline and beat it into the ground until it resembles week-old ground beef that's been sitting in the sun. The film stinks about as bad, too. Vaughn is trying so hard to make us laugh, but in the confines of this PG-rated mess, his comedic options are limited.

And what about the women? Elizabeth Banks shows up as one of Santa's few full-size helpers in a low-cut top and heaving bosoms. I think Ms. Banks is just swell, and she looks darling in this movie, but my initial reaction to having this young, pretty thing in the movie was that Santa was cheating on Mrs. Claus with a woman who is essentially his secretary. None of this is even hinted at in FRED CLAUS, but these are the places my bored mind wandered to while watching it. As for Rachel Weisz, arguably one of the most beautiful women on the planet, I couldn't figure out why she was even in this film. She's only in the movie for a few minutes, and when we do see her, she's in a bulk Chicago cop's winter coat and a hat with earflaps. Sexy! She reappears in the film later on, but by then we've forgotten her and quickly realize she has no relevance to the main story at all.

There are a couple of visual gags involving making full-size actors look like workshop elves, but that novelty wore off after about 30 minutes. We're about to get hit with a whole host of potentially truly shitty holiday films, and if FRED CLAUS is any indication of what we're in for, I may be changing religions, or even jobs, soon.

Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com