Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

I was at a comic book shop near my house the other day when I saw they were handing out passes for this. I tried to ask my writing partner if he wanted to go, but I couldn’t keep a straight face long enough to pull it off.

A nearly three hour long film by Uwe Boll? I think I’d rather just get in the ring and let the pinhead beat on me a bit. It’d be quicker, and I wouldn’t have to sit through another bored Burt Reynolds performance.

Seriously... is anyone actually anticipating this one?

Hello,

FuturamaFan1987 here with another review!

*MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD*

I went to a screening of In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at the Winnetka, so I figured I'd share my own thoughts about this particular abo-----I mean movie. As everyone knows, In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is a movie by the master of crap Uwe Boll. So far, his movies range from crap, to explosive diarrhea. So, why did I even bother to see his next movie? Well, it was free. Besides, a movie with Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, and Ron Perlman can't be that bad, right? Right? Shit.

So, In The Name Of The Long Ass Title is about a farmer, cleverly named Farmer (Statham), who's village is attacked by some creatures commanded by Gallian(Liotta), who controls them through a weird swirling vortex, that strangely looks like a flushing toilet. Farmer's wife and her exploding cleavage is captured and his son is transformed into a burrito. Okay,okay, he was killed, but during the burial scene, it looked like Farmer wrapped the poor dead kid in a giant tortilla, but I digress. So, while he's swearing vengeance, meanwhile, Burt Reynolds is being plotted against by his nephew, played by Mathew Lillard who, no offense, looked totally drunk during this movie. I sympathize with him at this point. Meanhwile again, Farmer, Merrick(Perlman), and Some Random Dude(Some Random Dude) go on a quest to find his wife, and kill Gallian and his toilet flush of doom. Along the way, they encounter rejects from Circus Du Sole lead by Kristana Loken which serves no purpose to the plot other than show off their crappy effects. So, all the good guys team up for a bunch of epically lame battles with the retarded creatures, who are so dumb, they light themselves on fire to be used as catapult bait. Oh, and something about John Rhys Davis and Leelee Sobieski doing magic, but I stopped caring around the 30 minute mark.

So, lets get this out of the way. This movie blows. Hard. I mean extremely hard. So hard, that I hope it destroys Uwe Balls career. If this doesn't put that nail in the coffin, I don't know what will. He managed to take a 60 million dollar budget, and still make it look like shit. He had 150 minutes at his disposal, yet developed no one. He had a bunch of pretty good actors, and turned them into jokes. The only ones to come out of this unscathed is Statham, Perlman, and Davis who are pretty okay in this. Liotta and Reynolds get it the worst. Liotta seems to pretend that he didn't have a career and just completely ham it up to an infinite degree. Reynolds just looked like he didn't want to be here, so much so, that he wears a t-shirt during his *SPOILER BUT I DON'T CARE!* death scene. Lillard looks completely shit-faced and everyone else is just there for set dressing. Also, characters completely disappear during the movie. Something Mr. Boll has a talent for (Billy Zane in Bloodrayne anyone?) Poor Loken is left behind from the final battle, so she goes off to be in a failed Sci-Fi Channel series. Lillard is also left behind after his big fight scene, with no hint of his fate. *Sigh*

So the film pretty much ends like you expect it to end. Farmer is attacked by books, and Gallian gets stabbed by Farmer's wife, giving Farmer the edge to kill him. Gallian dies, and the monsters he controlled walk off to jump off a cliff or something. Farmer and wife kiss, and Uwe Bolls name pops up like it means something. Cue boos and me writing down "Poor" on the screening paper.

So, when this film comes out, don't see it. In The Name Of The King: Don't See This Movie!!!

This is FuturamaFan1987 telling you, that if you see this movie, bad things will happen.