Hello, FuturamaFan1987 here with another review! *MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD* I went to a screening of In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at the Winnetka, so I figured I'd share my own thoughts about this particular abo-----I mean movie. As everyone knows, In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is a movie by the master of crap Uwe Boll. So far, his movies range from crap, to explosive diarrhea. So, why did I even bother to see his next movie? Well, it was free. Besides, a movie with Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, and Ron Perlman can't be that bad, right? Right? Shit. So, In The Name Of The Long Ass Title is about a farmer, cleverly named Farmer (Statham), who's village is attacked by some creatures commanded by Gallian(Liotta), who controls them through a weird swirling vortex, that strangely looks like a flushing toilet. Farmer's wife and her exploding cleavage is captured and his son is transformed into a burrito. Okay,okay, he was killed, but during the burial scene, it looked like Farmer wrapped the poor dead kid in a giant tortilla, but I digress. So, while he's swearing vengeance, meanwhile, Burt Reynolds is being plotted against by his nephew, played by Mathew Lillard who, no offense, looked totally drunk during this movie. I sympathize with him at this point. Meanhwile again, Farmer, Merrick(Perlman), and Some Random Dude(Some Random Dude) go on a quest to find his wife, and kill Gallian and his toilet flush of doom. Along the way, they encounter rejects from Circus Du Sole lead by Kristana Loken which serves no purpose to the plot other than show off their crappy effects. So, all the good guys team up for a bunch of epically lame battles with the retarded creatures, who are so dumb, they light themselves on fire to be used as catapult bait. Oh, and something about John Rhys Davis and Leelee Sobieski doing magic, but I stopped caring around the 30 minute mark. So, lets get this out of the way. This movie blows. Hard. I mean extremely hard. So hard, that I hope it destroys Uwe Balls career. If this doesn't put that nail in the coffin, I don't know what will. He managed to take a 60 million dollar budget, and still make it look like shit. He had 150 minutes at his disposal, yet developed no one. He had a bunch of pretty good actors, and turned them into jokes. The only ones to come out of this unscathed is Statham, Perlman, and Davis who are pretty okay in this. Liotta and Reynolds get it the worst. Liotta seems to pretend that he didn't have a career and just completely ham it up to an infinite degree. Reynolds just looked like he didn't want to be here, so much so, that he wears a t-shirt during his *SPOILER BUT I DON'T CARE!* death scene. Lillard looks completely shit-faced and everyone else is just there for set dressing. Also, characters completely disappear during the movie. Something Mr. Boll has a talent for (Billy Zane in Bloodrayne anyone?) Poor Loken is left behind from the final battle, so she goes off to be in a failed Sci-Fi Channel series. Lillard is also left behind after his big fight scene, with no hint of his fate. *Sigh* So the film pretty much ends like you expect it to end. Farmer is attacked by books, and Gallian gets stabbed by Farmer's wife, giving Farmer the edge to kill him. Gallian dies, and the monsters he controlled walk off to jump off a cliff or something. Farmer and wife kiss, and Uwe Bolls name pops up like it means something. Cue boos and me writing down "Poor" on the screening paper. So, when this film comes out, don't see it. In The Name Of The King: Don't See This Movie!!! This is FuturamaFan1987 telling you, that if you see this movie, bad things will happen.
Nov. 5, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST
Nov. 5, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST
Nov. 5, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST
DANG IT!! I THOUGHT I HAD IT.
Nov. 5, 2007, 12:44 a.m. CST
by Pound Sand
It had everything: an over long title, Uwe Boll, Kristianna Loken, monsters, Uwe Boll...,
Nov. 5, 2007, 12:47 a.m. CST
Made one critically acclaimed movie? . Seriously
Nov. 5, 2007, 12:48 a.m. CST
by The Real MiraJeff
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:28 a.m. CST
want to see this movie just to know how bad it truly is. Luckily, it's against my religion to give fucktard untalented Germans my hard-earned. *Note; I don't think all Germans are fucktards!
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:34 a.m. CST
I would actually let Boll and Stallone go double deep in my tracheotomy wound if they made that happen.
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:42 a.m. CST
Seriously. This guy is a plant from the competing studios. They are trying to get folks to see other movies instead! -= End Sarcastic Talkback =-
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:48 a.m. CST
by Alonzo Mosely
Damn this review makes me want to see it...
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:59 a.m. CST
by George Newman
That movie was painful bad. It was 'boring" technically, but it was absolutely uninteresting. But I made myself watch it cuz I had never seen a Boll flick, and I had to see it to believe it. I definitely believe now; this man make horrible movies. Not even funny bad. Bad bad
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:04 a.m. CST
But this guy still breathes? Come on people, let's find a way to use Bush's only talent, namely destroying something.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:33 a.m. CST
wasn't Vern Troyer raped by monkees in it?
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:33 a.m. CST
Postal is a lot of fun. It's like a $10 million Troma film. It's actually genuinely funny. The only flick of his i've seen where I didn't want to stab my own eyes with my fingers.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:58 a.m. CST
by xavier masterson
...like you expect it to end. Farmer is attacked by books,..." Oddly enough, that's exactly how I expected the film to end.
Nov. 5, 2007, 3:31 a.m. CST
by D o o d
I've ever read. I hate Uwe Boll but not because it's fashionable or the right thing to do, but because I hate him.
Nov. 5, 2007, 3:33 a.m. CST
by spud mcspud
This could be the most unnecessary review of all time. OBVIOUSLY it blows. We just needed to know to what degree this movie blew.
Nov. 5, 2007, 3:34 a.m. CST
Postal is pretty bad, but it's still the best thing that Uwe Boll has made. Ever. http://www.moviesonline.ca/movie_review_detail.php?id=8399 too bad Uwe's a douche and doesn't understand things, like not saying they need to re-do 9/11
Nov. 5, 2007, 3:40 a.m. CST
one of my most anticapated movies of the year. should be funnier than knocked up and superbad combined
Nov. 5, 2007, 4:04 a.m. CST
by Prof. Pop-Cult
I've been stunned by his ability to secure so much money, and to be able to get himself to direct and produce so many movies, with so little talent, in such a few number of years. And Boll has consistently managed to cast decent actors -- several of them, in fact, to appear in just a single film. Boll has proven to us what we've always suspected -- that most actors are essentially whores who will prostitute themselves for the right price. Seriously, if you are an aspiring filmmaker, you should study up on Boll's dealmaking abilities.
Nov. 5, 2007, 4:14 a.m. CST
then just grabs a camera and randomly shoots them in a forest with plastic swords
Nov. 5, 2007, 5:17 a.m. CST
The one thing that makes Boll movies worthwhile is listening to his director's commentries on the DVDs (For the love of Jeebus, do not watch that shit on the big screen). Just listening to what this guy has to say is the strangest mix of shock and pitiful laughter you'll ever experience. There is no man alive today with his level of naivety, paranoia and incompetence. And for some reason he still thinks he's the dog's bollocks. Great fun.
Nov. 5, 2007, 6:26 a.m. CST
For all I know this film's a gem, considering the ridiculous misspelled review this guy wrote.
Nov. 5, 2007, 6:55 a.m. CST
I might have to rent this when it comes out on DVD. How did this guy get $60 million? Damn, maybe if I was incompetent enough, I could be rich. I'm sure he embezzled most of it anyway, judging by the crap that's on screen.
Nov. 5, 2007, 7:54 a.m. CST
by Super Rabbi
There's a 3-part interview with him on Gametrailers.com
Nov. 5, 2007, 8:20 a.m. CST
sounds horrible!- and hilarious that so many 'decent' actors piled on for this one....how?...why?..they must have been convinced this would be the next LOTR or something...if it comes on TV, I'll watch it. I need a good laugh. Hopefully Rifftrax will be on it ASAP
Nov. 5, 2007, 8:32 a.m. CST
I've been waiting for this piece of shit to come out to have something to laugh at. Ever since the trailer that nearly made me pee m'self. Good to see Lillard carrying on Michael Madsen's tradition of getting drunk during filming of a Uwe Boll flick.
Nov. 5, 2007, 9:13 a.m. CST
The man's got talent; I mean, somehow he manages to butcher all these video game properties with his shitty-ass movie adaptations, manages to get a budget to do it, AND actually manages to get actors among the likes of Ray Liotta and Ben Kingsley. If that's not talent, I have no idea what is.
Nov. 5, 2007, 9:17 a.m. CST
after he splurged $60 mil on Highlander 2 (and that was back when the dollar was actually worth something). I haven't yet seen a Boll flick (life's too short) but I doubt he will continue to make films for much longer; apparently the tax loophole he relies on to get financing has closed.
Nov. 5, 2007, 9:20 a.m. CST
try throwing this one around at the convention!--- DS:ITNOTK:AEAB PT1:TB!
Nov. 5, 2007, 9:37 a.m. CST
I think this review actually MAKES me want to see it...damn you! I havent seen a good comedy in a long time ..
Nov. 5, 2007, 9:54 a.m. CST
by I Dunno
"You're trying to become immortal! Why?"<p>"To live forever!!!!"</p><p>Makes sense.</p><p>Other than a few gems like that though, the poster above is right. His movies aren't even funny bad, they're "pissed off because they're so boring" bad.
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST
Gold, pure comedy gold. Well done sir!
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST
if he only made B-movies with a B-movie budget and B-movie actors and didn't take himself so seriously. Granted the movies would still be awful but at least people wouldn't be angry that he wasted good money and talent. And I bet he'd actually develop a real cult following.
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST
a guy fuckin tackles a horse.
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:05 a.m. CST
by Darth Macchio
...is the greatest excuse for missing work/school EVER. I mean think about it..."I can't come in today...I've got explosive diarrhea." What the hell do you say to that? How do you follow the words "explosive diarrhea" with anything resembling a conversational response?<p><p><p>Oh...and tho I don't believe it needs to be said...Uwe Boll is ass. He wouldn't box me tho...I've actually done martial training and am considered a Ninja of significant skill by many many people who have all sorts of serious jobs like a substitute teacher and a greens keeper.
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:24 a.m. CST
...from seeing this film, then don't say "Burt Reynolds" and "exploding cleavage" because as much as I hate Dr. Boll's films, words like that make me want to see it, dammit.
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST
by dr sauch
I thought this was an Apatow movie, like WALK HARD or something. I don't know who Uwe Boll is, and I'm not going to try and make the mods here think I'm cool by bashing him. I may take my little brothers to see this, but get like reeeeeeally stoned before we go. I was high when I took them to see SW Episode I. Being high in a theater full of hyperactive kids with a shitty, deafness-inducing multi-million dollar sfx bomb while eating loads of shit from the concession stand is an experience I recommend to anyone.
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:43 a.m. CST
thats the way he gets liotta and kingsley in his movies.
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST
instant box office $ $
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:50 a.m. CST
just say 'lotted, rottik' and 'dis not kebab pert one teebee!'
Nov. 5, 2007, 10:55 a.m. CST
Nov. 5, 2007, 11:26 a.m. CST
korea is full of good directors, america isn't.
Nov. 5, 2007, 11:33 a.m. CST
seriously. his ability to make shit movies was funny for awhile but now he needs to be stopped. put all this money to better use. Even Ed Wood's career tanked, why hasnt this douchebag's?
Nov. 5, 2007, 11:34 a.m. CST
but most of his movies are at least somewhat fun even if they arent good. Yeah his review makes me wanna go see this. I just saw all 4 of his modern movies last weekend. Heres the review. http://tinyurl.com/pv8do
Nov. 5, 2007, 11:40 a.m. CST
maybe he's like the andy kaufman of directors...maybe it's one big joke that he is able to secure the money for these flicks and then churn out shit-like he's playing us and hollywood for fools....and he's actually a genius, mocking the vapid action movies of the industry...and then the producers are like- fuck it, this has to come out so we can recoup at least some of this money, and we can't ever admit that it is shit...(the thing is, that would work in theory once or twice, but not repeatedly)
Nov. 5, 2007, 12:36 p.m. CST
I mean wtf? Why do they work for this turd? He has a terrible rep. He's also one of the only directors to even have his own permanent topic over at IGN because he's hated so fucking much. And don't come back with money because it just doesn't make sense. These actors should fire their agents for sticking them in such shit.
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:49 p.m. CST
I own House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. I have neither pride nor a soul.
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:50 p.m. CST
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:51 p.m. CST
okay so maybe i'm slow on the uptake, but once i quit laughing at the title, i realized it would imply that there are more to come.....so...are these actors contractually bound to return, or will they bail..or will more even be made?
Nov. 5, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST
the boll boxing match i saw was fuckin horrible and theres also the fact that he used to be a boxer so that might have something to do with him winning. or maybe he fought a nerd.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:15 p.m. CST
I would contemplate going to see that movie just so I can tell the ticketer that I am there to see, "DUNGEON SIEGE: IN THE NAME OF THE KING: AN EPIC ADVENTURE BEGINS, PART I: THE BEGINNING". This is just a joke, for the talkback, right? Oh yeah, and I remember browsing IMDB about a year or two ago and telling a friend about Mr. Boll's upcoming shitfests, and they replied, "Fucking DUNGEON SIEGE? A FUCKING DUNGEON SIEGE MOVIE? YOU CAN'T MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT FUCKING DUNGEON SIEGE! WHAT THE FUCK!?" hahaha
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST
by Prof. Pop-Cult
I wonder what popular actors Boll will manage to cast for the sequel.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:27 p.m. CST
okay..yeah..whew..i think they are pulling our leg with the title. i'm gullible, but it's not that far fetched, is it?...i just googled this bitch, and as of a report from october 28th, they have split the 4 1/2 hour turd fest into 2 movies. the first will be called (according to the report and the one sheet) "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"....
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:29 p.m. CST
I mean this film would be perfect to go and heckle and laugh the shit out of / I obviously wouldn't pay full price but a cheapo threatre and a matinee might work. This guy is the new Ed Wood.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:37 p.m. CST
For some reason this friggin message thing cut the rest off.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:37 p.m. CST
For some reason this friggin message thing cut the rest off.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:39 p.m. CST
Uwe Boll presents "BURT REYNOLDS: The Burt Reynolds Story: starring Burt Reynolds as Burt Reynolds"....and Burt's life story is played out in full, only the modern burt reynolds plays himself at every age..as a child, his gunsmoke days, deliverance, smokey, all of it with the new mummified reynolds, whose life is flashing before his eyes after a near fatal accident on the set of a crappy Boll movie, at which point Burt decides to die rather than pull through and finish the movie.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:40 p.m. CST
burt would even play norm mcdonald spoofing burt reynolds at that stage in his career.....fuck, burt should play every character. like 'being burt reynolds'.
Nov. 5, 2007, 2:49 p.m. CST
uwe should do wizards and warriors or the sequel game (Ironsword) and cast fabio as the hero, since he posed for the Box and cartridge art for those games....then give us a 5 hour movie with at least an hour sequence of fabio hopping from treebranch to treebranch and falling and having to start all over... just like the first level.
Nov. 5, 2007, 3:03 p.m. CST
I think he's a character actor going around pretending to be a director making spoof movies. There's no other explanation!
Nov. 5, 2007, 3:09 p.m. CST
...I watched ALONE IN THE DARK and HOUSE OF THE DEAD a year or so ago. Not on the same day, I hasten to add. Frankly, he's not a director. In fact, "camera pointer" might be more accurate a description, though others were credited with that task on these movies. He's adept at buying up vaguely bankable properties, making shit movies for pennies, then giggling on his bed of money while we fume about his lacking artistic integrity. I raise my hat to him as a businessman, though that's not the same as welcoming his cinematic ginger orphans into my presence ever again...
Nov. 5, 2007, 3:28 p.m. CST
OMG OMG OMG OMG
Nov. 5, 2007, 3:40 p.m. CST
Nov. 5, 2007, 4:09 p.m. CST
dis it not kebab pert one teebee!
Nov. 5, 2007, 4:12 p.m. CST
Nov. 5, 2007, 5:37 p.m. CST
Don't eat flies and expect not to get shit in yer mouth. Grammy was wise beyond her 36 years.
Nov. 5, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST
...of geeky fantasy films. Turns out its just trying to be a geeky fantasy film and doesn't even accomplish that.
Nov. 5, 2007, 7:25 p.m. CST
by Harry Weinstein
Uwe's got my money this time, and for POSTAL which is supposedly rather good. His other English-language films have been shit, and I'm sure this is also shit. But the trailers show a whole lot of stuff that looks like Jason Statham wandered onto the set of Ching's wild 1982 classic DUEL TO THE DEATH. That's what I want to see.
Nov. 5, 2007, 11:57 p.m. CST
by Mullah Omar
While there is no way in hell I will ever pay to see this film, I plan to make my own double feature in whatever multiplex is screening this flick. Remember - we probably only have a week or two before thins gets yanked! I still regret not seeing "Battlefield Earth" in the cinema when I had the chance. The big screen makes a bad movie bad on an epic level.
Nov. 6, 2007, 2:02 a.m. CST
Well actually he's a really crappy director, who knows his tax law. Everyone is asking how does this guy keep making movies?! How does he do it!? Well it is because of tax shelter laws in Germany that investors can make zero money and still make money in the form of valuable write offs. So until they change the law, unlikely, Uwe boll will keep making movies, well, because he can...thank you German government.
Nov. 6, 2007, 2:22 a.m. CST
Man that movie was a torture. It made the book looks like Macbeth
Nov. 6, 2007, 2:43 a.m. CST
Sad but true
Nov. 6, 2007, 5:31 a.m. CST
Nov. 6, 2007, 6:39 a.m. CST
I, too, have a cinematic stash o'shame, filled -- I am loathe to admit -- with things far worse than the discs of Dr. Boll. This stash has brought me an equal amount of joy and anguish, laughter and tears. Mostly tears. I do wonder about myself sometimes. <p> Especially heinous is my copy of Highlander: The Source (the original cut) which makes Dr. Boll look like Lindsey Anderson.
Nov. 6, 2007, 7:31 a.m. CST
I believe that we appreciate great movies like Lord of the Rings, among others, more when we are exposed to "the waste of time and money" movies that Uwe Boll poop out his ass.
Nov. 6, 2007, 7:40 a.m. CST
Why do actors who have actually made a decent movie before keep signing up for Uwe Boll's cinematic abortions? Why does Jason Statham sign up for a movie by this guy? These actors must do some research, right? They have to know that this guy couldn't make a decent movie to save his life. The only thing I can think of is that these actors need the money. . .
Nov. 6, 2007, 8:12 a.m. CST
as far as i know, there aren't any junkets or interviews before these movies come out- any other picture with this many name actors would have stupid little interviews all over E and shit, leading up to the release....I'd LOVE to hear any of these actors talk about the picture, or Boll's directing style, or anything.....I can only imagine he's a one-take director....and god forbid anyone ask him what their motivation is...."hey Uwe, why is my character so hell bend on being immortal?"..."so he can live forever! now go stand by that tree and be angry!"
Nov. 6, 2007, 9:03 a.m. CST
by Stalin vs Predator
It made references to Krug several times. Strange, I thought Craven killed him off in the end of "Last House..." Perhaps it was only an evil clone.
Nov. 6, 2007, 9:56 a.m. CST
I'd be in one of his movies anyday. You already know it's going to suck so all of the pressure is off of you to deliver a great performance.
Nov. 6, 2007, 10:32 a.m. CST
I knew, of course, about the Boll beatdowns, I just didn't know MiraJeff was one of the beatees. I, too, feel floods of violent rage course through my body whenever I read anything MiraJeff writes -- even when I agree with him. That takes a special kind of talent, I must say. He's like the Fettastic of AICN reviewers. <p> I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I salute you, Dr. Boll.
Nov. 6, 2007, 10:35 a.m. CST
It's weird about those DVDs with no value whatsoever, that one hates and really should be rid of, but... just... CAN'T. <p> I swear, sometimes when I see them there on my shelves I can almost sense them watching me and chanting "One of us! One of us! One of us!"
Nov. 6, 2007, 10:44 a.m. CST
Oh God... I own Half Light.
Nov. 6, 2007, 10:46 a.m. CST
And I found them on YouTube:<p> http://tinyurl.com/2blkxj<p> Did he fight all four fights in one night? If so, you've gotta give the guy credit, that's quite a feat. Mirajeff had some good footwork, but wasn't quite able to get off of a defensive stance...but I give him credit for at least getting in the ring to take shots at Uwe, successful or not.
Nov. 6, 2007, 11:35 a.m. CST
...you must live in an awesome neighborhood! Well, either that or you live in a remote Scottish fishing village. <p> Seriously, though, Half Light has the worst - WORST! - so-called "twist" I have ever seen in a film.
Nov. 6, 2007, 11:36 a.m. CST
...I think we should get him riled up to the point where he'd be willing to fight talkbackers.
Nov. 6, 2007, 3:52 p.m. CST
Was Bloodrayne and it was dreadful. Some bad movies are entertaining (Batman & Robin, Wild Wild West) because they have so many 'wtf?' moments and are just complete trainwrecks filled with unintentionally funny moments. Bloodrayne, however, was just boring. I don't know if anybody here has seen Simon Sez, but that's another terrible film that commits the cardinal sin of boring its audience (well, aside from a few unintentionally hilarious moments involving Dennis Rodman pulling off inexplicable stunts). I wish Boll could make bad movies that were somewhat entertaining by being unintentionally hilarious, but as far as I can tell, his films are terrible and boring. For shame.
Nov. 6, 2007, 6:01 p.m. CST
so id like the inside scoop on why we hate mirajeff. since im not clear on that right now.
Nov. 6, 2007, 6:51 p.m. CST
I email with him lots.
Nov. 6, 2007, 7:02 p.m. CST
by 5 by 5
Was it supposed to be Part 1: The End? Jesus Pleasus
Nov. 6, 2007, 9:09 p.m. CST
I seriously want this movie RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Nov. 6, 2007, 10:43 p.m. CST
See, no one is either seeing or funding Boll's movies. He's having trouble finding investors because everyone knows he's the worst director alive. However, Paul W.S. Anderson, Len Wiseman, and Michael Bay keep making really shitty movies but they can turn a profit. Those are the guys who are killing the industry, not this wannabe Ed Wood.
Nov. 7, 2007, 1:54 a.m. CST
I happened upon this movie some time back (I think almost 4-5 months back) and well i could not resist a viewing. I must say the content of the film was... um....well lets just say it left me ill. I will give any movie a look, even Uwe's films, as i love films. I stopped this one about 20min into it, I tried to push on, skipping ahead looking for good bits...but the more I did the more my stomach started to pull its way up my esophagus to escape the true horror of what Mr Boll can produce. So yes go catch this film and even pay for viewing if you wish, but take the advise of all those posts that say NO! NO! BAD Uwe BAD!
Nov. 7, 2007, 5:54 a.m. CST
...not to mention that - SHOCK! HORROR! - there actually WERE real supernatural shenanigans going on, and - GASP! NO! - pretty much everyone Moore's character knew was in on the "plot". <p> Stinko!