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Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. I was at a comic book shop near my house the other day when I saw they were handing out passes for this. I tried to ask my writing partner if he wanted to go, but I couldn’t keep a straight face long enough to pull it off. A nearly three hour long film by Uwe Boll? I think I’d rather just get in the ring and let the pinhead beat on me a bit. It’d be quicker, and I wouldn’t have to sit through another bored Burt Reynolds performance. Seriously... is anyone actually anticipating this one?
Hello, FuturamaFan1987 here with another review! *MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD* I went to a screening of In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at the Winnetka, so I figured I'd share my own thoughts about this particular abo-----I mean movie. As everyone knows, In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is a movie by the master of crap Uwe Boll. So far, his movies range from crap, to explosive diarrhea. So, why did I even bother to see his next movie? Well, it was free. Besides, a movie with Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, and Ron Perlman can't be that bad, right? Right? Shit. So, In The Name Of The Long Ass Title is about a farmer, cleverly named Farmer (Statham), who's village is attacked by some creatures commanded by Gallian(Liotta), who controls them through a weird swirling vortex, that strangely looks like a flushing toilet. Farmer's wife and her exploding cleavage is captured and his son is transformed into a burrito. Okay,okay, he was killed, but during the burial scene, it looked like Farmer wrapped the poor dead kid in a giant tortilla, but I digress. So, while he's swearing vengeance, meanwhile, Burt Reynolds is being plotted against by his nephew, played by Mathew Lillard who, no offense, looked totally drunk during this movie. I sympathize with him at this point. Meanhwile again, Farmer, Merrick(Perlman), and Some Random Dude(Some Random Dude) go on a quest to find his wife, and kill Gallian and his toilet flush of doom. Along the way, they encounter rejects from Circus Du Sole lead by Kristana Loken which serves no purpose to the plot other than show off their crappy effects. So, all the good guys team up for a bunch of epically lame battles with the retarded creatures, who are so dumb, they light themselves on fire to be used as catapult bait. Oh, and something about John Rhys Davis and Leelee Sobieski doing magic, but I stopped caring around the 30 minute mark. So, lets get this out of the way. This movie blows. Hard. I mean extremely hard. So hard, that I hope it destroys Uwe Balls career. If this doesn't put that nail in the coffin, I don't know what will. He managed to take a 60 million dollar budget, and still make it look like shit. He had 150 minutes at his disposal, yet developed no one. He had a bunch of pretty good actors, and turned them into jokes. The only ones to come out of this unscathed is Statham, Perlman, and Davis who are pretty okay in this. Liotta and Reynolds get it the worst. Liotta seems to pretend that he didn't have a career and just completely ham it up to an infinite degree. Reynolds just looked like he didn't want to be here, so much so, that he wears a t-shirt during his *SPOILER BUT I DON'T CARE!* death scene. Lillard looks completely shit-faced and everyone else is just there for set dressing. Also, characters completely disappear during the movie. Something Mr. Boll has a talent for (Billy Zane in Bloodrayne anyone?) Poor Loken is left behind from the final battle, so she goes off to be in a failed Sci-Fi Channel series. Lillard is also left behind after his big fight scene, with no hint of his fate. *Sigh* So the film pretty much ends like you expect it to end. Farmer is attacked by books, and Gallian gets stabbed by Farmer's wife, giving Farmer the edge to kill him. Gallian dies, and the monsters he controlled walk off to jump off a cliff or something. Farmer and wife kiss, and Uwe Bolls name pops up like it means something. Cue boos and me writing down "Poor" on the screening paper. So, when this film comes out, don't see it. In The Name Of The King: Don't See This Movie!!! This is FuturamaFan1987 telling you, that if you see this movie, bad things will happen.

Readers Talkback
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  • Nov. 5, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST

    Wait till you see Postal!!

    by tmifune78


  • Nov. 5, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST


    by billybobhoyle


  • Nov. 5, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST


    by billybobhoyle


  • Nov. 5, 2007, 12:44 a.m. CST

    How could this miss?

    by Pound Sand

    It had everything: an over long title, Uwe Boll, Kristianna Loken, monsters, Uwe Boll...,

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 12:47 a.m. CST

    Has Uwe Bol

    by Mixiboi

    Made one critically acclaimed movie? . Seriously

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 12:48 a.m. CST

    sounds awesome

    by The Real MiraJeff


  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:28 a.m. CST

    I almost

    by ApneicMonkey

    want to see this movie just to know how bad it truly is. Luckily, it's against my religion to give fucktard untalented Germans my hard-earned. *Note; I don't think all Germans are fucktards!

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:34 a.m. CST

    Let Boll direct Marion Cobretti.

    by hamslime

    I would actually let Boll and Stallone go double deep in my tracheotomy wound if they made that happen.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:42 a.m. CST


    by bigbaldpapa

    Seriously. This guy is a plant from the competing studios. They are trying to get folks to see other movies instead! -= End Sarcastic Talkback =-

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:48 a.m. CST

    Giant Burritos. Exploding Cleavage. Burt Reynolds.

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Damn this review makes me want to see it...

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:59 a.m. CST

    After watching Bloodrayne, I don't think I could sit thru this

    by George Newman

    That movie was painful bad. It was 'boring" technically, but it was absolutely uninteresting. But I made myself watch it cuz I had never seen a Boll flick, and I had to see it to believe it. I definitely believe now; this man make horrible movies. Not even funny bad. Bad bad

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:04 a.m. CST

    We got rid of Saddam...

    by UltimaRex

    But this guy still breathes? Come on people, let's find a way to use Bush's only talent, namely destroying something.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:33 a.m. CST

    What the hell happend to Postal?

    by Mike_D

    wasn't Vern Troyer raped by monkees in it?

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:33 a.m. CST

    Boll is terrible.... BUT:

    by Jarek

    Postal is a lot of fun. It's like a $10 million Troma film. It's actually genuinely funny. The only flick of his i've seen where I didn't want to stab my own eyes with my fingers.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:58 a.m. CST

    "So the film pretty much ends...

    by xavier masterson you expect it to end. Farmer is attacked by books,..." Oddly enough, that's exactly how I expected the film to end.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 3:31 a.m. CST

    That's the best review.....

    by D o o d

    I've ever read. I hate Uwe Boll but not because it's fashionable or the right thing to do, but because I hate him.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 3:33 a.m. CST

    Seriously? A bad Uwe Boll movie?

    by spud mcspud

    This could be the most unnecessary review of all time. OBVIOUSLY it blows. We just needed to know to what degree this movie blew.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 3:34 a.m. CST


    by ImMorganFreeman

    Postal is pretty bad, but it's still the best thing that Uwe Boll has made. Ever. too bad Uwe's a douche and doesn't understand things, like not saying they need to re-do 9/11

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 3:40 a.m. CST


    by aicndoesntwantmorecowbell

    one of my most anticapated movies of the year. should be funnier than knocked up and superbad combined

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 4:04 a.m. CST

    I'm in awe of Boll for all the wrong reasons...

    by Prof. Pop-Cult

    I've been stunned by his ability to secure so much money, and to be able to get himself to direct and produce so many movies, with so little talent, in such a few number of years. And Boll has consistently managed to cast decent actors -- several of them, in fact, to appear in just a single film. Boll has proven to us what we've always suspected -- that most actors are essentially whores who will prostitute themselves for the right price. Seriously, if you are an aspiring filmmaker, you should study up on Boll's dealmaking abilities.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 4:14 a.m. CST

    boll spends all of the fuckin money on a few semi big actors

    by aicndoesntwantmorecowbell

    then just grabs a camera and randomly shoots them in a forest with plastic swords

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 5:17 a.m. CST

    Sounds wonderful.

    by Knuckleduster

    The one thing that makes Boll movies worthwhile is listening to his director's commentries on the DVDs (For the love of Jeebus, do not watch that shit on the big screen). Just listening to what this guy has to say is the strangest mix of shock and pitiful laughter you'll ever experience. There is no man alive today with his level of naivety, paranoia and incompetence. And for some reason he still thinks he's the dog's bollocks. Great fun.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 6:26 a.m. CST

    who knows? the reviewer's a moron

    by Teko

    For all I know this film's a gem, considering the ridiculous misspelled review this guy wrote.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 6:55 a.m. CST

    The previews for this thing look hilarious.

    by rbatty024

    I might have to rent this when it comes out on DVD. How did this guy get $60 million? Damn, maybe if I was incompetent enough, I could be rich. I'm sure he embezzled most of it anyway, judging by the crap that's on screen.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 7:54 a.m. CST

    Boll Bashers!

    by Super Rabbi

    There's a 3-part interview with him on

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 8:20 a.m. CST

    the next great cult classic!


    sounds horrible!- and hilarious that so many 'decent' actors piled on for this must have been convinced this would be the next LOTR or something...if it comes on TV, I'll watch it. I need a good laugh. Hopefully Rifftrax will be on it ASAP

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 8:32 a.m. CST


    by Purgatori

    I've been waiting for this piece of shit to come out to have something to laugh at. Ever since the trailer that nearly made me pee m'self. Good to see Lillard carrying on Michael Madsen's tradition of getting drunk during filming of a Uwe Boll flick.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 9:13 a.m. CST

    You've gotta hand it to Boll though...

    by HueyFreeman

    The man's got talent; I mean, somehow he manages to butcher all these video game properties with his shitty-ass movie adaptations, manages to get a budget to do it, AND actually manages to get actors among the likes of Ray Liotta and Ben Kingsley. If that's not talent, I have no idea what is.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 9:17 a.m. CST

    I'm more surprised that Russell Mulchay still makes movies

    by judderman

    after he splurged $60 mil on Highlander 2 (and that was back when the dollar was actually worth something). I haven't yet seen a Boll flick (life's too short) but I doubt he will continue to make films for much longer; apparently the tax loophole he relies on to get financing has closed.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 9:20 a.m. CST

    if you thought LOTD:ROTK was a long acronym,


    try throwing this one around at the convention!--- DS:ITNOTK:AEAB PT1:TB!

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 9:37 a.m. CST

    Explosive Diarehea..

    by mitemike

    I think this review actually MAKES me want to see it...damn you! I havent seen a good comedy in a long time ..

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 9:54 a.m. CST

    Line from House of the Dead...

    by I Dunno

    "You're trying to become immortal! Why?"<p>"To live forever!!!!"</p><p>Makes sense.</p><p>Other than a few gems like that though, the poster above is right. His movies aren't even funny bad, they're "pissed off because they're so boring" bad.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    "his son gets turned into a burrito..."

    by Datascream

    Gold, pure comedy gold. Well done sir!

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Uwe would be better off

    by veritasses

    if he only made B-movies with a B-movie budget and B-movie actors and didn't take himself so seriously. Granted the movies would still be awful but at least people wouldn't be angry that he wasted good money and talent. And I bet he'd actually develop a real cult following.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST


    by aicndoesntwantmorecowbell

    a guy fuckin tackles a horse.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:05 a.m. CST

    Explosive diarrhea...

    by Darth Macchio the greatest excuse for missing work/school EVER. I mean think about it..."I can't come in today...I've got explosive diarrhea." What the hell do you say to that? How do you follow the words "explosive diarrhea" with anything resembling a conversational response?<p><p><p>Oh...and tho I don't believe it needs to be said...Uwe Boll is ass. He wouldn't box me tho...I've actually done martial training and am considered a Ninja of significant skill by many many people who have all sorts of serious jobs like a substitute teacher and a greens keeper.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:24 a.m. CST

    If you're discouraging people...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...from seeing this film, then don't say "Burt Reynolds" and "exploding cleavage" because as much as I hate Dr. Boll's films, words like that make me want to see it, dammit.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST

    When I read the title...

    by dr sauch

    I thought this was an Apatow movie, like WALK HARD or something. I don't know who Uwe Boll is, and I'm not going to try and make the mods here think I'm cool by bashing him. I may take my little brothers to see this, but get like reeeeeeally stoned before we go. I was high when I took them to see SW Episode I. Being high in a theater full of hyperactive kids with a shitty, deafness-inducing multi-million dollar sfx bomb while eating loads of shit from the concession stand is an experience I recommend to anyone.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:43 a.m. CST

    boll sets up actors w/ hos - takes photos

    by ironic_name

    thats the way he gets liotta and kingsley in his movies.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST

    "his son gets turned into a burrito..."

    by ironic_name

    instant box office $ $

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:50 a.m. CST

    by ironic_name

    just say 'lotted, rottik' and 'dis not kebab pert one teebee!'

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 10:55 a.m. CST

    dis it not kebab pert one teebee!

    by ironic_name


  • Nov. 5, 2007, 11:26 a.m. CST

    that includes Turkey and Kazakhstan and america

    by ironic_name

    korea is full of good directors, america isn't.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 11:33 a.m. CST

    i think this Boll shit has gone on long enough...

    by BMacSmith

    seriously. his ability to make shit movies was funny for awhile but now he needs to be stopped. put all this money to better use. Even Ed Wood's career tanked, why hasnt this douchebag's?

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 11:34 a.m. CST

    Im not a Uwe Boll apologist

    by kilik777

    but most of his movies are at least somewhat fun even if they arent good. Yeah his review makes me wanna go see this. I just saw all 4 of his modern movies last weekend. Heres the review.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 11:40 a.m. CST

    maybe it's all a joke on us


    maybe he's like the andy kaufman of directors...maybe it's one big joke that he is able to secure the money for these flicks and then churn out shit-like he's playing us and hollywood for fools....and he's actually a genius, mocking the vapid action movies of the industry...and then the producers are like- fuck it, this has to come out so we can recoup at least some of this money, and we can't ever admit that it is shit...(the thing is, that would work in theory once or twice, but not repeatedly)

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 12:36 p.m. CST

    How does he get these AAA actors?

    by AllPowerfulWizardOfOz

    I mean wtf? Why do they work for this turd? He has a terrible rep. He's also one of the only directors to even have his own permanent topic over at IGN because he's hated so fucking much. And don't come back with money because it just doesn't make sense. These actors should fire their agents for sticking them in such shit.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:49 p.m. CST

    Mr Saxon

    by DocPazuzu

    I own House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. I have neither pride nor a soul.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:50 p.m. CST

    He beat up MiraJeff?

    by DocPazuzu


  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:51 p.m. CST



    okay so maybe i'm slow on the uptake, but once i quit laughing at the title, i realized it would imply that there are more to these actors contractually bound to return, or will they bail..or will more even be made?

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST

    wait wait wait...

    by aicndoesntwantmorecowbell

    the boll boxing match i saw was fuckin horrible and theres also the fact that he used to be a boxer so that might have something to do with him winning. or maybe he fought a nerd.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:15 p.m. CST

    hold on... that's not really the title is it?

    by turketron

    I would contemplate going to see that movie just so I can tell the ticketer that I am there to see, "DUNGEON SIEGE: IN THE NAME OF THE KING: AN EPIC ADVENTURE BEGINS, PART I: THE BEGINNING". This is just a joke, for the talkback, right? Oh yeah, and I remember browsing IMDB about a year or two ago and telling a friend about Mr. Boll's upcoming shitfests, and they replied, "Fucking DUNGEON SIEGE? A FUCKING DUNGEON SIEGE MOVIE? YOU CAN'T MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT FUCKING DUNGEON SIEGE! WHAT THE FUCK!?" hahaha

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST

    The scariest part of the movie's title: "Part I"

    by Prof. Pop-Cult

    I wonder what popular actors Boll will manage to cast for the sequel.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:27 p.m. CST

    real name


    okay..yeah..whew..i think they are pulling our leg with the title. i'm gullible, but it's not that far fetched, is it?...i just googled this bitch, and as of a report from october 28th, they have split the 4 1/2 hour turd fest into 2 movies. the first will be called (according to the report and the one sheet) "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"....

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:29 p.m. CST

    Yo come on! Dont any of you people want to see this film in a MS

    by Rogue_Leader

    I mean this film would be perfect to go and heckle and laugh the shit out of / I obviously wouldn't pay full price but a cheapo threatre and a matinee might work. This guy is the new Ed Wood.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:37 p.m. CST

    I meant to say "MST3K sort of way" above.

    by Rogue_Leader

    For some reason this friggin message thing cut the rest off.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:37 p.m. CST

    I meant to say "MST3K sort of way" above.

    by Rogue_Leader

    For some reason this friggin message thing cut the rest off.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:39 p.m. CST

    uwe boll + burt reynolds i'd pay to see


    Uwe Boll presents "BURT REYNOLDS: The Burt Reynolds Story: starring Burt Reynolds as Burt Reynolds"....and Burt's life story is played out in full, only the modern burt reynolds plays himself at every a child, his gunsmoke days, deliverance, smokey, all of it with the new mummified reynolds, whose life is flashing before his eyes after a near fatal accident on the set of a crappy Boll movie, at which point Burt decides to die rather than pull through and finish the movie.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:40 p.m. CST

    norm macdonald


    burt would even play norm mcdonald spoofing burt reynolds at that stage in his career.....fuck, burt should play every character. like 'being burt reynolds'.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:49 p.m. CST

    wizards and warriors (NES)


    uwe should do wizards and warriors or the sequel game (Ironsword) and cast fabio as the hero, since he posed for the Box and cartridge art for those games....then give us a 5 hour movie with at least an hour sequence of fabio hopping from treebranch to treebranch and falling and having to start all over... just like the first level.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 3:03 p.m. CST

    I'm convinced he's a joke director, not real

    by performingmonkey

    I think he's a character actor going around pretending to be a director making spoof movies. There's no other explanation!

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 3:09 p.m. CST

    In fairness to Uwe Boll...

    by palimpsest

    ...I watched ALONE IN THE DARK and HOUSE OF THE DEAD a year or so ago. Not on the same day, I hasten to add. Frankly, he's not a director. In fact, "camera pointer" might be more accurate a description, though others were credited with that task on these movies. He's adept at buying up vaguely bankable properties, making shit movies for pennies, then giggling on his bed of money while we fume about his lacking artistic integrity. I raise my hat to him as a businessman, though that's not the same as welcoming his cinematic ginger orphans into my presence ever again...

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 3:28 p.m. CST



  • Nov. 5, 2007, 3:40 p.m. CST

    everyone in here will watch this one and you know it

    by greekCopter

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 4:09 p.m. CST

    dis it not kebab pert one teebee!

    by ironic_name

    dis it not kebab pert one teebee!

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 4:12 p.m. CST

    german peeps love to inflict sadness.

    by ironic_name

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 5:37 p.m. CST

    Its like my grammy used to tell me

    by kelli_picklers_cooter

    Don't eat flies and expect not to get shit in yer mouth. Grammy was wise beyond her 36 years.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    I thought this was one of those Zucker bros. parodies

    by Bobo_Vision

    ...of geeky fantasy films. Turns out its just trying to be a geeky fantasy film and doesn't even accomplish that.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 7:25 p.m. CST

    I'm in it for the Ching Siu-Tung choreography

    by Harry Weinstein

    Uwe's got my money this time, and for POSTAL which is supposedly rather good. His other English-language films have been shit, and I'm sure this is also shit. But the trailers show a whole lot of stuff that looks like Jason Statham wandered onto the set of Ching's wild 1982 classic DUEL TO THE DEATH. That's what I want to see.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 11:57 p.m. CST


    by Mullah Omar

    While there is no way in hell I will ever pay to see this film, I plan to make my own double feature in whatever multiplex is screening this flick. Remember - we probably only have a week or two before thins gets yanked! I still regret not seeing "Battlefield Earth" in the cinema when I had the chance. The big screen makes a bad movie bad on an epic level.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 2:02 a.m. CST


    by chris2million1

    Well actually he's a really crappy director, who knows his tax law. Everyone is asking how does this guy keep making movies?! How does he do it!? Well it is because of tax shelter laws in Germany that investors can make zero money and still make money in the form of valuable write offs. So until they change the law, unlikely, Uwe boll will keep making movies, well, because he can...thank you German government.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 2:22 a.m. CST

    Is this movie worst than Eragon

    by CuervoJones

    Man that movie was a torture. It made the book looks like Macbeth

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 2:43 a.m. CST

    Boll is a bad director, but a great producer

    by CuervoJones

    Sad but true

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 5:31 a.m. CST


    by aicndoesntwantmorecowbell


  • Nov. 6, 2007, 6:39 a.m. CST

    Lost Jarv

    by DocPazuzu

    I, too, have a cinematic stash o'shame, filled -- I am loathe to admit -- with things far worse than the discs of Dr. Boll. This stash has brought me an equal amount of joy and anguish, laughter and tears. Mostly tears. I do wonder about myself sometimes. <p> Especially heinous is my copy of Highlander: The Source (the original cut) which makes Dr. Boll look like Lindsey Anderson.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 7:31 a.m. CST

    We should thank Uwe Boll.

    by orionazul

    I believe that we appreciate great movies like Lord of the Rings, among others, more when we are exposed to "the waste of time and money" movies that Uwe Boll poop out his ass.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 7:40 a.m. CST

    Another thought. . .

    by orionazul

    Why do actors who have actually made a decent movie before keep signing up for Uwe Boll's cinematic abortions? Why does Jason Statham sign up for a movie by this guy? These actors must do some research, right? They have to know that this guy couldn't make a decent movie to save his life. The only thing I can think of is that these actors need the money. . .

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 8:12 a.m. CST

    press junket? interviews?


    as far as i know, there aren't any junkets or interviews before these movies come out- any other picture with this many name actors would have stupid little interviews all over E and shit, leading up to the release....I'd LOVE to hear any of these actors talk about the picture, or Boll's directing style, or anything.....I can only imagine he's a one-take director....and god forbid anyone ask him what their motivation is...."hey Uwe, why is my character so hell bend on being immortal?"..."so he can live forever! now go stand by that tree and be angry!"

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 9:03 a.m. CST

    I've read another review and it seems Krug is in it!

    by Stalin vs Predator

    It made references to Krug several times. Strange, I thought Craven killed him off in the end of "Last House..." Perhaps it was only an evil clone.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 9:56 a.m. CST

    As an actor

    by carpetofstars

    I'd be in one of his movies anyday. You already know it's going to suck so all of the pressure is off of you to deliver a great performance.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 10:32 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    I knew, of course, about the Boll beatdowns, I just didn't know MiraJeff was one of the beatees. I, too, feel floods of violent rage course through my body whenever I read anything MiraJeff writes -- even when I agree with him. That takes a special kind of talent, I must say. He's like the Fettastic of AICN reviewers. <p> I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I salute you, Dr. Boll.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 10:35 a.m. CST

    Lost Jarv

    by DocPazuzu

    It's weird about those DVDs with no value whatsoever, that one hates and really should be rid of, but... just... CAN'T. <p> I swear, sometimes when I see them there on my shelves I can almost sense them watching me and chanting "One of us! One of us! One of us!"

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 10:44 a.m. CST

    Lost Jarv

    by DocPazuzu

    Oh God... I own Half Light.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 10:46 a.m. CST

    I had to see the Uwe fights for myself

    by Bobo_Vision

    And I found them on YouTube:<p><p> Did he fight all four fights in one night? If so, you've gotta give the guy credit, that's quite a feat. Mirajeff had some good footwork, but wasn't quite able to get off of a defensive stance...but I give him credit for at least getting in the ring to take shots at Uwe, successful or not.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 11:35 a.m. CST

    Fucking hell, Jarv...

    by DocPazuzu must live in an awesome neighborhood! Well, either that or you live in a remote Scottish fishing village. <p> Seriously, though, Half Light has the worst - WORST! - so-called "twist" I have ever seen in a film.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 11:36 a.m. CST

    As for MiraJeff...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...I think we should get him riled up to the point where he'd be willing to fight talkbackers.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 3:52 p.m. CST

    The only Boll film I've seen any of

    by Mattyboy122

    Was Bloodrayne and it was dreadful. Some bad movies are entertaining (Batman & Robin, Wild Wild West) because they have so many 'wtf?' moments and are just complete trainwrecks filled with unintentionally funny moments. Bloodrayne, however, was just boring. I don't know if anybody here has seen Simon Sez, but that's another terrible film that commits the cardinal sin of boring its audience (well, aside from a few unintentionally hilarious moments involving Dennis Rodman pulling off inexplicable stunts). I wish Boll could make bad movies that were somewhat entertaining by being unintentionally hilarious, but as far as I can tell, his films are terrible and boring. For shame.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 6:01 p.m. CST

    i like to think i know a thing or two about the talkbacks

    by aestheticity

    so id like the inside scoop on why we hate mirajeff. since im not clear on that right now.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 6:51 p.m. CST

    Boll is a cool guy

    by s0nicdeathmonkey

    I email with him lots.

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 7:02 p.m. CST

    Part 1: The Beginning

    by 5 by 5

    Was it supposed to be Part 1: The End? Jesus Pleasus

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 9:09 p.m. CST



    I seriously want this movie RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 10:43 p.m. CST

    Bay, Wiseman, and Anderson are worse

    by Gozu

    See, no one is either seeing or funding Boll's movies. He's having trouble finding investors because everyone knows he's the worst director alive. However, Paul W.S. Anderson, Len Wiseman, and Michael Bay keep making really shitty movies but they can turn a profit. Those are the guys who are killing the industry, not this wannabe Ed Wood.

  • Nov. 7, 2007, 1:54 a.m. CST

    A painfull viewing

    by warocketajax

    I happened upon this movie some time back (I think almost 4-5 months back) and well i could not resist a viewing. I must say the content of the film was... um....well lets just say it left me ill. I will give any movie a look, even Uwe's films, as i love films. I stopped this one about 20min into it, I tried to push on, skipping ahead looking for good bits...but the more I did the more my stomach started to pull its way up my esophagus to escape the true horror of what Mr Boll can produce. So yes go catch this film and even pay for viewing if you wish, but take the advise of all those posts that say NO! NO! BAD Uwe BAD!

  • Nov. 7, 2007, 5:54 a.m. CST

    Right, Jarv...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...not to mention that - SHOCK! HORROR! - there actually WERE real supernatural shenanigans going on, and - GASP! NO! - pretty much everyone Moore's character knew was in on the "plot". <p> Stinko!