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Animation and Anime

XiMan says BEOWULF is a *effing* masterpiece?!?!?!!?

Hey folks, Harry here... I'm seeing this Monday - my excitement level just turned a corner. Hope he's right. Here ya go...

Hi Harry / Drew: My name is XiMan and I attended the LA trade screening of BEOWULF last night on the Paramount lot. Being that there are no other reviews, I thought I'd shoot one over to ya. First off: This film is a fucking MASTERPIECE! Albeit, the screening was in a perfect theater, with perfect sound and the print was both Digital and 3D! But still, I was amazed at how superb this film is. If it were a live-action film (which the story is PERFECT for), it would have been nominated for Best Picture (not kidding or exhaggerating) but it probably would have cost $500 million. The story is bold and REALLY scary (especially for the first hour). The performances are oscar-caliber. The score was reminiscent of "What Lies Beneath" in its ability to frighten you before the monsters do. Even the special effects (which really look video-gamey on the trailers they've put out) are top notch!!! There are sequeneces in this film where a shot originates as a close-up on a rat crawling across a beam, and it doesn't end until the shot has traveled outside the Danish kingdom where the story is set, and continues through the snow-covered wilderness and into the cave where Grendel (the monster) dwells. This thing is really EPIC. Try to imagine the SUPERB, OSCAR-WORTHY (let alone "caliber") performance of Andy Serkis as Gollum in LOTR -- but spread out between all the major characters of the Beowulf classic! Every nuance of every peformance is there! You won't believe how real it both looked and felt (we also had the best pair of 3D glasses I've ever used -- but they took them back after the screening -- Boo!). Anyway, I really hope the performances and the fear still translates in theaters that don't have 3D or digital. Ok, so here are the spoilers (but I'm not going to give everything away): When the film opens, the 3D titles come zooming over your shoulder (via 3D): BEOWULF! On fade in: We're in King Hrothgar's (Anthony Hopkins) "dining hall" where a huge, raunchy, semi-orgy celebration is underway. Hrothgar is as loud and rambunctious as a frat boy in his twenties and he graces us with the first of many "ass shots". (NOTE: There is enough nudity, blood, gore and violence in this film to garner a NC-17 rating -- were it live-action). We meet Hrothgar's Queen Wealthow (Robin Wright-Penn) who seems too sweet to be apart of this madness. And we also meet his #1 - Unferth (John Malkovich) whose kinda slimey, and yet likeable. On the other side of the kingdom, inside a dark cave, the noise, music and merriment revurberates in a way that would put waterboarding to shame. Absolute torture! We see a glimpse of Grendel (in spectacular detail!) and we notice that his ears are deformed in a way that amplifies sound. He SCREAMS! Oh shit! Cut back to the mess hall: more of the same. Suddenly BOOM! BOOM BOOM! The giant door explodes open and the beast enters. Grendel goes on an absolute RAMPAGE! Ripping men into pieces with his bare hands (again, great GOREY detail). As they scream to their deaths, the noise aggrivates his sensitive ears even more and before you know it only the queen and king are before him. Hrothgar pulls out a sword : "Fight me, you son-of-a-bitch. Fight me!" We can tell that Grendel wants to kill him, but he doesn't -- and we kinda know why. He screams again and leaps into the fire -- disappearing into a blue supernatural flame. The king outlaws celebrations and seals the dining hall permanently. When asked if they should appeal to "the Christ God" for help, the king says no. "We need a hero." Enter Beowulf (Ray Winstone). Young, boastful, arrogant, mighty, muscular, blonde -- ya know, all the "hero" qualities. He's on a storm-ravaged ship headed for the Danish kingdom. When he lands he declares to Hrothgar and his kingdom that he "Has come to kill your mons-stah'!" (BTW--loved all of the accents here). Queen Wealthow interrupts his brute promises with a "We've heard it all before, but in the morning there is only blood on the walls...and celings, and cupboards" lol. Beowulf looks at her, and we can tell he wants to hit that. So anyway, Beowulf and his men ask the king to re-open the dining hall (called Heorot) so they can awaken the monster. Hrothgar obliges and there's a huge party that night. Queen Wealthow sings songs to Beowulf to wish him good luck -- but in the cave: you guessed it, Grendel is pissed! Beowulf tells the Queen to leave. He strips naked and says something like "If your monster doesn't have armor, neither shall I." But we know he just wants to show the Queen that he's packin. Anyway, Grendel arrives right on cue, and fucks shit up again. At first he seems to be winning, but Beowulf quickly discovers his weakness: noise, and those gigantic throbbing ears. He beats the monster to a bloody oblivion, and Grendel begins shrinking because of it. "The monster shrinks!" Beowulf's men shout to each other as they watch him whip Grendel's slimey ass (Beowulf's still naked, btw). This fight scene is really impressive, and the animators deserve a lot of credit for hiding Beowulf's cock and balls in creative ways throughout. So where's Angelina Jolie??? After the opening attack by Grendel, we meet her -- though we barely see her. She sings her baby monster to sleep in endearing little scenes between his madness. She's a monster too, but MAN, with that voice, you won't give a shit. After celebrating Grendel's defeat, more gruesome deaths occur, so the people believe he's still alive. Until the king proclaims "It wasn't Grendel.... It was his mother." And Beowulf is all "WTF! You didn't tell me I'd have to kill an entire family of bloody demons!" lol. Nevertheless: Beowulf travels to the cave with his #1 Wiglaf (Brendan Gleeson) -- BTW: This actor is SOOO underrated. Beowulf goes into the cave alone, armed only with a sword and the king's golden dragon horn. The horn has significance (that I won't reveal now) but moreso here as it glows within the pitch-black cave. He gets to the center of the cave where there's a giant treasure. "REVEAL YOURSELF, YOU FILTHY DEMON!" his voice echoes. Then, from the darkness, that sexy voice: "Are you the one they call Beowulf?" "SHOW YOURSELF!!!" Something plops down into the water. Then slowly, that forehead, those eyes, those perfectly formed lips, tits, torso, ass -- and a full frontal cooch shot as she rises from the water. She's gilded in gold, and her hair is braided into a tail that can chop off heads (and does!) She seduces Beowulf, of course, and promises to make him the king if he would give her another son in exchange for Grendel. Oh, and he also has to leave the dragon horn in her possession. Beowulf returns with stories of how he slay her and brings Grendel's head as a souvenir to prove it. But the king knows better. He corners Beowulf. "Did you really kill her?" "How could I be here if I didn't?" Hrothgar smiles, knowingly. "She's a sight to see, isn't she? Grendel's mother." "What do you care?" "I don't. She's not my problem. Not anymore..." We transition from this scene to like 20 years later, where Beowulf is king (as promised), and Queen Wealthow is now his queen -- but they don't really like each other anymore. No, now he's bangin' what looks like a 15 year old girl, lol. But I should mention that the Transitions in this film are SICK!!!! The whole story just unfolds, linking one era to another and you never feel the 120 minute running time. Anyway: There has been peace for all this time (except in the king's marriage) because "Secrets tore us apart," says the Queen to the 15 y.o. concubine. And after the golden dragon horn mysteriously re-appears, a real savage golden dragon starts burning shit up, and the people are all "WE'RE CURSED! THE MONSTER HAS RETURNED!!" Beowulf knows what he must do. He straps on his armor, says his goodbyes and heads back to the cave to confront his baby's momma. What follows is a fight scene with the dragon demon that is AWE-INSPIRING! You won't believe the amount of detail achieved here. This scene definitively shut out any possibility of this being a live-action film (which I was rooting for). It's just way too big and too complex to pull off in live-action. It would have cost $100 million alone! The details are just epic and really meticulous. I won't give away the ending, but take my is PERFECTION. FINAL VERDICT: Flat out, one of the best animated films ever made. Tour de force performances, that only first-rate actors could help bring to life. Heart-pounding action sequences and a good dose of edge of your seat scares (especially in the first hour). I really want people to see this film. I'm telling you, it's a fucking MASTERPIECE!!! XiMan

Readers Talkback
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  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:44 p.m. CST

    That animation style creeps me out

    by Garbageman33

    Big time.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:45 p.m. CST


    by GeekyAnimeNerd79Beyotch


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:46 p.m. CST

    Anyone else just see SW: Episode I news on the site?

    by Heckles

    Or did I just have a stroke?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:46 p.m. CST

    I've got a headache

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:46 p.m. CST


    by Some Dude

    Christ god gets slapped!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:48 p.m. CST


    by clockpolitiks

    Kinda put me off a little bit with the believability of his criticisms...but, I have to say that this movie looks pretty good. I read the story before, and am not sure how they could make that span a 2 hour movie, but whatever. Angelina Jolie is all I needed to hear to get my ass in the theater.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:48 p.m. CST


    by GeekyAnimeNerd79Beyotch

    yes I did, along with LA Confidental.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:48 p.m. CST

    wow.. this reeks of planty-ness

    by theredtoad

    I'm still going to see the movie though as it does look bad ass.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:49 p.m. CST


    by Kingdaddy

    did you like it or not?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:49 p.m. CST

    Never had the urge to say this before, but...

    by BrooseTheScharuk


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:49 p.m. CST

    I just cannot take that seriously

    by IndustryKiller!

    Sound like a frat guy talking about how great last nights episode of family guy was. Thanks for the onomatopoeia on the door knocking by the way, really couldn't put a finger on what that would sound like.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    You've gotta be kidding me

    by jimmy_009

    This sounds like it was reviewed by a 12 year old. Masterpiece! The final scene alone would have cost $100 million! I just shit my own pants it's so good! Oscars!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST


    by zufflezipperfish

    Chorlton and the Wheelies is better aniimation than this spunk bubble of a movie.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:55 p.m. CST

    In fact...

    by BrooseTheScharuk

    ...that review was so planty, that it sounds like reverse-psychological sabotage, designed to discourage me from seeing the movie.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:55 p.m. CST

    How many times should one use the expression "lol" in a review?

    by PurityOfEssence

    Once is way too many times.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:55 p.m. CST

    I can't look at their eyes

    by CherryValance

    Animated human eyeballs freak me the hell out. I doubt if I'll ever see this. I still haven't seen The Polar Express and have no desire too. Wouldn't it just be easier to point a camera at actors and show us that?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:55 p.m. CST

    Hi, my name is XiMan

    by Bilblow

    and I work for Paramount.

  • plant?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 6:57 p.m. CST

    Hooooo boy

    by GreatWhiteNoise

    Sure. I'm as excited about Beowulf as the next guy. But c'mon buddy. The review I wrote for Raiders on the underside of my desk in fourth grade read better than that. Hard to attach any chredibility to that much hyperbhole in one rheview.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:01 p.m. CST


    by Kiera Knightley's Sexy Beanpole

    Review by Planty McPlantson

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:02 p.m. CST

    Yos dudez, this reviewer talkz like uz!

    by blindambition238

    Beowulf is extreme to the max!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:03 p.m. CST

    so, comparable to What Lies Beneath??

    by kafka07


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:03 p.m. CST

    Oscar worthy performances of animated people?

    by methosb


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:04 p.m. CST

    what has leaves and sprouts from the ground?

    by kafka07

    yup you guessed it

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:04 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Look, the omonotopeia is a result of my being a struggling screenwriter... <p> If the review reads like a 14 yo wrote it -- I'll take that as a compliment as the film reduced me to that level of excitement... <p> Hold your criticisms of how much you think it would cost until you see it yourself... <p> BTW LOL on the LOL COMMENT, lol!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:05 p.m. CST

    Jolie's cgi boobs already had me there

    by Pipple

    still I don't like the cgi idea. This isn't toys or cars, it's supposed to be flesh and blood. How will I care about cartoon people in danger?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:05 p.m. CST

    I like how they made Jolie look like her Gia days

    by I Dunno

    before she got all skinny and veiny.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    There were monsters in What Lies Beneath?

    by Pops Freshemeyer

    That was the Harrison Ford/Michelle Pfeifer thing, right? What Lies Beneath? Monsters? What the fuck movie did I see?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    the score was "WHAT LIES BENEATH"

    by XiMan

    Not the film (LOL!!!)

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    XiMan- how did you remember all of the scenes/dialouge?

    by Mike_D


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:07 p.m. CST

    Pronouncing "Beowulf"

    by Jonas Grumpy

    I'm inclined to hang out at the box office when this movie opens, just to hear everyone mangle the movie's title. "One for 'Bowie-wolf,' please!" "I'd like two tickets to 'Blowful,' please!" "When is the next showing of 'Bow-wow-wolf'?"

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:08 p.m. CST

    And, by "Everyone..."

    by Jonas Grumpy

    ...I mean the dozen or so English majors, the handful of history buffs, and the several thousand die-hard animation fanatics who will see this on opening day. If it breaks the top ten, that means it was a slow weekend.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:08 p.m. CST

    What is missing from my review???

    by XiMan

    Yes, there were lots of summarizing, but that's only b/c I hate people who reveal EVERYTHING... <p> As for the "plant" comments... they're really funny! It's weird being on the other side of the review when the ugly p-word is thrown at you... but I have to admit... THIS IS COOL!!! LOL!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:09 p.m. CST

    Not a plant

    by Bob of the Shire

    Just a fucking idiot. Reading that review made me want to punch this faggot in the face. "AND THEN THEY FIGHT AND IT MADE ME JIZZORZ ALL OVER MY POPCORN LOLOLOLOLOL" Jesus fucking christ, someone end this dude.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:10 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    When you see the film you'll see how off the dialog is... that's why I wrote "like" alot b/c I don't remember it exactly -- only the really good line... <p> Again, I'm a struggling screenwriter, dialog, scenes, staging all of these things I pick up on... <p> Just much do plants make??? LOL!!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:11 p.m. CST

    Looks unbelievable

    by Messyjoe

    Other than Beowulf who looks very wooden, the rest of this looks topnotch. In the promo I though Angelina has a long tail! I think I was ok with that, considering how she looks, but I think hair is better, even it's intended to cut off heads.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:12 p.m. CST

    Hey, El Planto Retardo

    by TheCornTorilla

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:13 p.m. CST

    Bob of the shire

    by XiMan


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:15 p.m. CST

    So, how much were you paid...

    by andyny29

    for this over the top review!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:17 p.m. CST

    Hey, El Planto Retardo, elnumero dos

    by TheCornTorilla

    Whon ding dat messing wit me mind. Digital 3D printo? What is dat essay?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:18 p.m. CST

    its possible that this could be decent

    by godhelpus

    I don't know about the Final Fantasy people, but Zemeckis is someone who can pull off some serious feats when he wants to, fx shots alone don't cut it though, its story, story, story, and they've got a good one here, we'll see, blah blah blah

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    Sounds great, but doesn't sound like PG-13

    by Bungion Boy

    The last ad I saw said PG-13 though this sounds like a hard R. Did you see a cut that we're not going to see? Is the IMAX cut different from the theatrical one? God I hope so. Wow. I hope this is great.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:22 p.m. CST


    by godhelpus

    how many times do you have to mention that you're a screenwriter? I find that kind of sad yet touching, these are not the people you should be trying to impress

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:22 p.m. CST


    by Tascar

    How is Alan Silvestri's score? I'm really looking forward to it ever since that preview of it in Madrid.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:24 p.m. CST


    by dogstar69

    is the new....FIRST?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:24 p.m. CST

    Bungion Boy

    by XiMan

    I was VERY surprised by the rating too. The only explanation I can think of is they negotiated a PG-13 b/c it's animated instead of live-action... <p> I can assure you this is the version you will see... I think. I've never been to a screening where they changed the film afterwards...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:25 p.m. CST


    by dogstar69

    is the new...GOTTA EAT?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:26 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    The score is SICK!! A fellow co-worker (female, 40s) didn't like it b/c of the gore, but even she was like "The score was amazing."

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:27 p.m. CST

    wait a second? this is animated?

    by Russman

    What's the deal.. it looks live action. Someone fill me in, I don't want to look it up.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:28 p.m. CST

    Sounds like a plant to me.

    by Barry Egan

    Way too enthusiastic.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:28 p.m. CST


    by dogstar69

    is the new...SHUT THE FUCK UP... seriously, why can't we just wait and see the film ourselves before we judge other peoples opinions??. Shit wait that's to easy.. Fuck this movie "exclamation mark"

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:30 p.m. CST


    by dogstar69

    well, why the fuck not

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:31 p.m. CST


    by Err

    Angelina Jolie is not Grendel's mother. Grendel's mother was an effing monster. Nowhere in the original text was she supposed to appear as a beautiful woman. Angelina Jolie as Grendel's mom = lame.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:32 p.m. CST

    "$500 mill if it was live action"?

    by I Dunno

    Wouldn't it cost more to shoot the film, then motion capture and digitize the whole thing?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:33 p.m. CST

    Check your sources Harry

    by RogueIntruder

    The site has hit a new low. This reeks of studio plant. Come Harry you know better. Shame on you sir. Next

  • Grammar gods demand it!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:35 p.m. CST

    I don't get the motion capture bit.

    by Barry Egan

    I know we've hashed this topic out before, but what is the point of doing motion capture work with actors and then animating chracters that look like creepy, soulless versions of the actors? I don't get it at all. Why not just make a live action film? And now Zemickis is giving us another one of these things? A Christmas Carol?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:36 p.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    ...reading plants' reviews when they try to use the lingo and vibe of talkbackers is as embarrassingly hilarious as when Clark Griswold rolls down the car window and says "what it is, bro" during his detour in the projects. <p> You'd better just roll your ass out of here, XiMan, or you're gonna lose those figurative hubcaps.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:38 p.m. CST

    It's Xtreeeeeeme!!!!!

    by topaz4206

    "It's totally Rodriguez, they Frank Miller'ed this shizz for rizzeals! Like, BONG!" <br><br>Paramount, please fire this person.

  • This movie is doomed.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:39 p.m. CST


    by Bungion Boy

    I remember reading a long time ago that Zemekus was trying to make two cuts of the film. A family friendly one and an R rated one but then I read the studio nixed it. I hadn't heard anything new about it so I assume that there's still just one cut of the film, and it sounds like a good one.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:40 p.m. CST

    Better yet, Paramount...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...please kill this person.

  • Anyone?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:40 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    I FEEL SO BAD FOR HARRY & THEM! YOU GUYS TRASH THIS SITE WHEN THEY ARE NOT POSTING REVIEWS OF PLANTS! Who would take a job (at a studio)... Seriously, do you really believe they think the TALKBACKERS on AICN is going to effect their B.O.??????? SERIOUSLY! Ask yourself that question. If the answer is makes a lot of sense that you would call me a plant!! LOLOOLOLOLOLOL!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:42 p.m. CST

    Do people like TBers affect ticket sales?

    by Err

    Hmmmmm......Spider-Man 3 and Superman Returns, please step forward. Yeah, people who recognize a bad film affect the box office of the film. Alexander, anyone? Also, the use of LOLOLOLOLOL makes you look like you are 12.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:43 p.m. CST

    Can we have a review from some one not involved in the productio

    by Merriman Lyon

    This is ridiculous. Why has AICN published this ridiculous piece of promotional material?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:44 p.m. CST

    "Who would take a job (at a studio)"

    by DocPazuzu

    Hell, I would, that's who. And guess what? I'd do astoundingly better plant work than you would because I AM a fucking talkbacker.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:45 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Please hire I can get paid to be called a plant... LOL!! <P> Anyway, back to the positive... THIS MOVIE IS A FUCKING MASTERPIECE!!! Wait till the other reviews come in... You'll see then...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:46 p.m. CST


    by Err^Beowulf+(2007)<br><br> Also, one site gave it 1 out of 5.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:46 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    As I thought, you DO think you effected the box office of those films... AWWW, THAT'S SO CUTE! LOSER!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:48 p.m. CST


    by Err

    I think it's cute that you can't even spell "Err." Secondly, AICN TBers are people. People who, if they think a film sucks, won't go see it, this then results in lower box office. So yes, TBers affect the box office of films.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:48 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Nothing came up with that link... It doesn't look reputable anyway, but neither does a review of XiMan... <p> But don't worry, I'm sure you will make this film gross $5 million domestically... Just keep on TALKIN'BACK! LOL!!!! (*in a 12yo voice)

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:50 p.m. CST

    Struggling screenwriter, emphasis on the struggling.

    by The Continental

    The struggling screenwriter bit is probably the most believable part of that review. But then again using "LOLOLOLOL" like its punctuation tends to discredit oneself.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:51 p.m. CST


    by Err - Movie Review Query Engine. Search for Beowulf. <br><br> As a person, I can decide whether or not to give my 10 bucks to see Beowulf. If lets say 1000 people feel this way, then that is 10000 less dollars that film makes. 1,000,000 people don't want to see it then the film is out 10 million. I affect box office. Whether you deem it significant or not is moot. Either way, I affect box office as does every TB'er and every American.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 7:53 p.m. CST

    Is it April Fools

    by RogueIntruder

    This sounds like a prank on the site readers. This review cannot be real. Neeext

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:02 p.m. CST

    Ximan, now we know you're plantlicious

    by Pipple

    We broke catwoman, influenced Rambo, were raped by kevin smith, coined a classic phrase damn you michael bay, have fucking Bruce motherfucking willis come personally to wrestle with us. We hold Hallewood by the tits!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:03 p.m. CST

    We'll see if I'm a plant...

    by XiMan

    When Harry reviews it... I mean he may not like it, but he'll be able to tell us if I wrote this as a plant... There's no denying a MASTERPIECE... The reviews will reveal me as a plant or not... <p> BTW: I was the person who say Capote on opening weekend and said "Best Picture nominee" (and it was!) I also said this on opening weekened of "The Sixth Sense" (which was a summer film!)... This year I've only said that about "Michael Clayton," "Assassination of Jesse James" and "Into the Wild"... I'm telling you, this film is SUPERB. <p> All of the nonsense about freeky digital characters -- OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW in this film. Zemeckis has finally nailed it... You'll see...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Every two months or so...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...we get a new plantalicious review which is obviously the result of the previous couple of months' worth of brainstorming meetings with bluetoothed cabals of executards trying to figure out what went wrong the last time they were humiliatingly outed. <p> It's true -- each new "spearhead" plant review contains a virtual checklist of the things that were roundly ridiculed on the previous occasion. Take an infamous example like the first Doom review, which sounds like a hideous, shameless press kit, and view the progression in subsequent plant-a-thons where the terminology is adjusted, the backstories tweaked, the geek cred emphasized and the profanity increased. <p> The problem is, they just. can't. get. it. right. <p> These necktied mollusks simply don't grok what makes us tick. We can smell them a mile away. All they would have to do, really, is hire a talkbacker. But no. They have to analyze, pick, prod and poke what went wrong and then get someone from their own ranks to step up to the plate. In a way, I do understand, since they want to keep their jobs and be relevant, but they can never be relevant as anything other than sources of cruel amusement for talkbackers. <p> By all means, keep sending 'em in.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:04 p.m. CST


    by Pound Sand

    that is the greenest review since, "An Inconvenient Truth."

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:08 p.m. CST

    Doc Pazuzu

    by XiMan

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!! COME ON!!! Studio execs don't give a FUCK about us!!!! <p> P.S. -- This film is a MASTERPIECE LOLOLOLOLOL!!! HAHA : )

  • plant!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:09 p.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    The film might indeed be a "masterpiece", and other reviewers may agree with that assessment, but it's not the positivity of a review which outs the plant, but virtually everything else in it. Until you cretins understand this, you will make zero progress in influencing our views.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:10 p.m. CST

    For the love of god XiMan, STOP SHOUTING!!!

    by Vim Fuego

    Also, I can't stop thinking about Ray Winstone's cock & balls now. Thanks a lot.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:15 p.m. CST


    by Lashlarue

    Beowulf is gay. So, I doubt he'd like to "hit" that. Jesus, these plants get lamer every time.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:15 p.m. CST


    by Deus Vult

    am I the only person who pledged a fraternity in college on this site? sometimes I think I such, waterboarding is NOT torture, and neither is wearing a cloak with a hood over your head and having pictures taken of you and posted on al jazeera.<p>NOW I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TORTURE IS...ITS BUSTING YOUR ASS IN HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE AND GRAD SCHOOL, GETTING A COMMODITIES TRADER JOB IN WORLD TRADE TOWER TWO AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS OF STUDYING, SHOWING UP TO WORK EARLY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH AND GETTING INCINERATED ON THE 91ST FLOOR WHILE WORKING YOUR ASS OFF TRYING TO PAY YOUR TAXES.<p> that my friends is torture.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:18 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    This morning I pulled up in my BMW 500 in a three piece pin-stripped suit... My boss, Director Planto, called me in for this month's PLANTIFUS MEETING OF THE SECRET SOCIETY OF PLANTS (lol -- *cracking up as I write*) He said "XiMan, you have studied the language of the TALKBACKERS (whom we refer to as the T'BACKERS (lol)... And because of your mastery of their mix of slang and bad screenwriting prose, you will plant the review for BEOWULF. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! HAHA ; ) seriously, LMAO!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:18 p.m. CST

    Studio execs gave enough of a fuck to

    by methosb

    ...plant an absurd review about people jumping out of their seats in the theatre during Fast and the Furious 3. Like anyone on here would have given a fuck about the film in the first place and give a shit about a good review.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:20 p.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    Not only that, but apparently, F&F3 was "da booooommmmmb!!!" and people were practicing "drifting" in the parking lot after the movie.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:21 p.m. CST

    Deus Vult

    by The Dum Guy

    That isn't torture, that is simply getting killed.<br><br>Having bamboo shoots stuck into different areas of you genitals, now thats torture. Although, some would argue that driving without AC is torture, so...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:22 p.m. CST


    by MJohnson

    Look...I don't want to come across as smug or obnoxious...but I studied Beowulf in my PhD program...with one of the acknowledged worldwide scholars on Beowulf, Tom Shippey...I have translated it out of the original Old English...I teach it in my Western Civ class...I have read too much about it...and I'm telling you...what they are about to release is NOT Beowulf. Call it want you want...but it isn't that poem...that story...whatever.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:22 p.m. CST


    by Deus Vult

    Not that either of them need it or even require it, but they've both got my vote. The Doc has picked up on an interesting vibe and Bodet really brought it home. Haven't read the site in awhile but its good to see you guys are on your game.<p>in other news, review/er aside, if I can convince the wife to go, I'll see in the theater.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:25 p.m. CST

    MJohnson question for you...

    by Deus Vult

    I read a commentary on Beowulf once that the story was a method by which monks would tell of a hero's successfuly explots with heavy or even (at that time) overt christian undertones to make conversion more appealing. true or false?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:25 p.m. CST


    by Pennsy

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:27 p.m. CST

    Dum Guy, if you live in houston, no car a/c IS torture

    by Deus Vult

    especially around the middle of august. as for genitals and bamboo shoots, that sounds like a typical saturday night romp at the house with me and the wife! mwa-ha!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:27 p.m. CST

    Super Mega Oscarlycious Masterpiece PLANT!!!!

    by RpgSama

    I Mean c'mon, this guy almost suck our pickles trying to sell this movie, i don't think that this is going to be a bad movie and i want to see it day one, even if it have Angelina Jolie who is an overrated Bi*ch, Can't Stan Her, but even so Day one, but this guy almost sell it to us like it's the best movie ever made, it would have costed 1 billion dollars if it was live action, WHO CARES...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:29 p.m. CST

    Man, its just a grade better then 360 graphics.

    by DigitalDong

    Either this is a plant, or a complete moron, or both.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:29 p.m. CST

    gotta hand it to ya, XiMan...

    by Sir Loin

    You're taking this plant inquisition well, and you do have a sense of humor. So I give ya credit...most reviewers who are accused of being plants run and hide, lol.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:29 p.m. CST

    I live further south than Houston and...

    by The Dum Guy

    I used to have to drive a '77 Nova sans AC, in the middle of the summer (June-August) delivering pizzas. So, I'm like John McCain, or some shit, when it comes to knowing about torture.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:35 p.m. CST

    speaking of hot AND torture, has anyone seen...

    by Deus Vult

    the quest telephonic party-line commercials? those girls are SO hot but they're the WORST actresses/spokesmodels it's just torture watching them trying to read their cue cards.<p>further south than houston? and hot? Dum Guy my man you had to live in brownsville! who knew they had pizza down there? and delivery yet?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:39 p.m. CST

    Hey guyz! Long-time reader...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...first-time poster!!! FIRST!!!11 LOLOLOL!!!! GOTTA EAT!!!1 Seriously this movie will PWN you!!!! w00t!! I totally know this guy who sncuk me into a topsecret showing of this movie and I wuz worried frist that I'd get busted, but I looked over at Kurt Ruzzel and he had a bomb in his ribcage so I guess it was okay!!! Jar Jar kinda sucked but the space battles were so effin awsome that I heard people say they were going to sign up for astronaut training the next day!!!!111 This opening cinematic salvo from maestro Lucas firmly cements his virtuoso grip on his archetypal space saga and it will SO GET YOU PUZZY at its denouement if you take a date!!!!111!!1! <p> If u use this, call me AzzMazterJetEye!!!!!!!!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:40 p.m. CST


    by AlwaysThere

    are always trying to eat everyone else's food.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:40 p.m. CST

    Regarding the rating

    by Liphook

    During one of the features on the 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' movie DVD, they said that stuff that they usually would have got away with on TV was a problem for them on that project, as it was an 'animated movie', so something doesn't sound quite right here.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:42 p.m. CST


    by Deus Vult

    you told

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:43 p.m. CST


    by Deus Vult

    BOO! <p>about to try again.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:44 p.m. CST


    by Deus Vult

    you told us that episode one would get us laid if we brought a date. oddly enough, when I brought my wife (then girlfriend) to see it she fell asleep and said, after I woke her up; "that sucked." clearly not an intro into other things mind you...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:51 p.m. CST

    Ximan... what else do you think is a "Masterpiece"?


    I'm just trying to get an idea of where you are coming from.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:54 p.m. CST

    You're kidding yourself

    by Chairman_Kaga

    If you think Animation Fanatics will be flocking to this MoCap....thing on opening weekend.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Honestly, it's a feeling I get as I watch the film unfold... I'm a screenwriter (struggling, emphasis) so from Fade In I'm analyzing everything: From Score, Shots, Dialogue, Characterization, Build-up, Performances, SCORE, etc. This is the first animated film that I've called a masterpiece, b/c it didn't feel animated at all. It's directed and written as if it were a flesh and blood epic thriller... I was blown away by it... It gave me that feeling again...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    "Norbit..., IT'S A FUCKING MASTERPIECE," - XiMan

    by Pound Sand

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 8:58 p.m. CST

    So enthusiastic!

    by JoeSixPack

    Hmm... a little fishy

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:02 p.m. CST


    by Deus Vult

    that's the film school that shows up in the banner ads right here in aicn. they claim to award degrees in film in two years; bachelors degrees no less!<p>perhaps if you had a degree from full sail you wouldn't be a "struggling screenwriter" any more?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:06 p.m. CST


    by Pound Sand

    "And then Jerry Seinfeld goes, 'what's going on, HONEY,' and the whole theater goez crazy LOL CATS ROFLCOPTER.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:09 p.m. CST


    by Pound Sand

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Thank you...

    by D_T all the TB regulars, goddamn I actually *did* laugh out loud at a several of these posts! (the wifey looked at me like I'm a kook). I don't get this art/design direction either - CGI replicants of the actors (both motion and voice captured)? I guess it provides a more seamless presentation with the CGI based sets/environments (?) BTW, WTF is a BMW 500... ~DT

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:13 p.m. CST


    by Deus Vult


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:16 p.m. CST

    Not Animation

    by Shit Happened

    Ummm. I wouldn't consider this animation by any stretch... motion capture - yes. Also - PLANT, PLANT, PLANTEDIDY, PLANT!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:17 p.m. CST

    Dear Err...

    by Fish Tank

    Those crappy reviews on that site are for the Lambert live-action film of the same name - not this one (although, it could stink - we'll see).

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:20 p.m. CST

    What happens to the plants after the strike is authorized?

    by Pound Sand

    And does Heroes really finish in Dec., as Pennsy asserted somewhere else?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST



    this was written as if it was a 37 year old female marketing executive trying to write like a male 25 year old comic/movie buff.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:31 p.m. CST

    The trailer suggests this is one of the WORST -

    by Laserbrain

    designed, directed and "animated" films ever made. "Perfection", my fucking date!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:36 p.m. CST


    by F-1000

    This is the sound of XiMan when the sledgehammer of ban slams against his fragile plant balls: UUNNNNNGGGGGGGGHHHHH. Followed by inaudible high tones reachable only by a 12 year old. Seriously this fucking review is full of FAIL AND LOSE. Ximan is one of the few people I've ever met on the internet that have made me literally wish I had the ability to hunt down and kill. You're such a stupid fucking cunt, and all of your LOLZ talkback posts remind me of that scene in Roger Rabbit with teh hyenas or whatever the hell they were when they start laughing and can't SHUT THE FUCK UP. Harry, in the history of this site nbody has ever needed to be B& (That is "banned") more than this nincomfuckingpoop. P.S.-XiMan, your literary, language, and persuasion skills are EPIC FAIL. Plant or not. If you can stop FREAKING THE FUCK out long enough to type a screenplay without jizzing yourself, declaring it a masterpiece before you've finished the first sentence and subsequently filling lines of LOL and exclamation points; you will STILL never sell it. Unless you somehow hook up with Uwe Boll. Which surprisingly isn't out of the realm of imagination when it comes to ultimate SUCK.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:37 p.m. CST

    Let's not use the term masterpiece loosely

    by #1 Zero

    The only thing that intrigues me about this film is that it appears to be a cgi film for adults that might work. The final fantasy films did not work. Ximan seems young or is playing the part of a young person but he is trying to get me or us to find greatness in the elements of the story that would appeal to the lowest common denominator of an audience, in other words, "naked jolie coochie" 15 year olds having sex with old men (oh my gosh is someone living out a fantasy with that?). Ultimately the gore, the asses and whatever else they got away with in cartoon form that they couldn't in live action that seems so great kind of turns me off. That said, I'll see it and judge for myself, I have to believe that there may be a deeper meaning beyond what Ximan found good about the movie. If Ximan is a plant he is trying to rouse interest in fans of say a movie like 300 to like this, and I think we can agree that Beowulf is a bit more sophisticated than 300 at least in terms of literature. Whatever this film turns out to be is up in the air, maybe it is in the style of 300.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:42 p.m. CST


    by F-1000

    Even my grammar suffered writing my previous post slamming you. I was so angry. Oh, and by the way tell your boss at the "Secret Society of Plants" (no self congratulatory masturbatory lol needed here) that you caused at least one person (i.e. myself) to NOT go see this film opening weekend. Just because of your review and more importantly your badgering and Talkback hooliganism. If I see this film AT ALL, because you pissed me off THAT MUCH. Not your desired effect, eh fuckface?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:46 p.m. CST

    THE PLANT MEETING (part 2)...

    by XiMan

    Director Planto: "XiMan, you must use words like cock. Balls. Cooch. And LOL. Yes -- lots of LOL'S!!!! LMFAO!!!! <P> Stupid talkbackers... <p> Also: I hope I'm annoying everyone who thinks I'm a plant...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:46 p.m. CST

    This movie lost me...

    by Celicynd

    After the point in the first trailer where I realized they were completely fucking over the Beowulf story to put a naked Angelina Jolie in it... I'm sorry... Beowulf is an epic enough story, why the fuck do you have to have major storyline changes to the story?!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:50 p.m. CST

    Anyone who has REALLY studied Beowulf knows that

    by Captain Dees

    Grendal was a bipedal dinosaur. Picks up and chews up grown men all with his jaws? Check. Has small, vulnerable forearms? Check. Somebody had to mention the obvious.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:51 p.m. CST

    "Gilded with gold"?

    by Dave Bowman

    I'd like to see something gilded with anything else...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:51 p.m. CST

    so this is PG-13...but NC-17?

    by Reynard Muldrake

    With nudity and all the violence we were expecting? You lost me. More importantly - Indy 4 trailer? For the actual opening??

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:52 p.m. CST

    #1 Zero

    by XiMan

    The tone of my review (as I wrote) was both the 14 yo in me and the 26 yo that I am... I can't effectively communicate the artistic aspects of the film as they are a combination of performance and writing... <P> I'm not still here b/c I'm trying to convince ANYONE to see this film -- MASTERPIECES have a funny way of making money... I'm here to make fun of the people who are pretending they won't see it because I'm a "plant"

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:55 p.m. CST

    Two words

    by 5 by 5

    Anger management.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:55 p.m. CST

    Dave Bowman

    by XiMan

    Point given... asshole! LOL!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:56 p.m. CST

    And btw, if XiMan IS a plant...

    by Captain Dees

    then all of you are tools for even visiting this site and expecting any different. Because if you can spot him as a plant, then Harry can obviously spot him as a plant, which means Harry is either willingly sabotaging his website or working for the studios.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 9:57 p.m. CST

    I'll give this a shot because I want ADULT ANIMATION in America

    by Toxic Frog

    I will go see this movie because it's an ANIMATED MOVIE FOR ADULTS. Even if the 3D looks off, it's a bold step for an American studio. Even if it's not a masterpiece, I hope it does well enough to inspire more adult-themed American animation. By 'adult' I mean 'not for kids'. I don't mean immature crap like Heavy Metal (yes, you read that correctly - Heavy Metal is crap - you know it's true if you're honest with yourself).

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:02 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    C'mon bro... You don't really believe that. You just want me to think you do, LOL!!! <P> BTW.....I DON'T.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:04 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    But ONLY under the condition that the T'BACKERS (lol) bought it... YOU LOSERS ARE RUINING MY PAYDAY!!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!! LMAO!!! *seriously laughing*

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:08 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:10 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    YOU'RE HILARIOUS... I WISH I COULD BE THERE... WHEN YOU RUSH TO THE FRONT OF THE TICKET BOOTH LINE, AND ASK FOR YOUR TICKET TO Beowulf (sorry for the caps)... it will only be 1 ticket, cuz you'll be alone... and when you see the'll be wanking off...TO BEOWULF! (NOTE: I wouldn't say those things if you were'nt so obsessed with wanking on faces and cocksucking, lol)

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:16 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Thanks... I kinda got SUCKED in...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:23 p.m. CST

    Just got off the phone with XiMan

    by Soops

    And he says he's actually a swarthy Ecuadoran. ;) <p>Thanks for the review, XiMan. Will give the film a shot.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:41 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Thanks again. But I really like my review, LOL... I don't know how else to review a film other than to list what you remember. I guess I thought people would know that I'm very critical of films and would see "Masterpiece" and know it was true...Lesson learned!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:42 p.m. CST

    I dont buy it...

    by DoctorWho?

    Zemeckis last 4 or 5 films have on my nerves. Over rated anyone? Jolie underwhelms me in this role too...just like Cruise, she takes my right OUT of the movie..."oh look, theres Tom Cruise playing the role of (fill in the blank)." Suspension of disbelief gone.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:43 p.m. CST

    XiMan IS a plant... and here is why!

    by MoJojo

    Our good friend XiMan did a wonderful job in describing the movie in great detail from its begining to the point where Beowulf leaves the cave. 12 paragraphs filled with "spoilers" and much "street talk". From that point he covered the entire rest of the film in 2 paragraphs! It just so happened that he described what many had already been shown in events such as COMICCON, and left the rest for us to pay to learn more. Next, unbeknownst to his cleaverness, XiMan described a factoid that only one involved in the production of the film would know... Let's leave it at that ;) Nothing against the studio trying to pump its product afterall they did spend a pretty penny on it, Zemeckis is a fantastic director, and Beowulf is probably going to satisfy, but next time choose a better character to do its PR then silly XiMan.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Pound Sand, the 'Heroes ending on 12/3' is a doomsday

    by Pennsy

    option, if the writers strike goes on for any length of time. That night would be 11th episode of season 2, and the end of the first big arc. From what I'm hearing, they have scripts up until episode 14. Instead of showing those 3 extra episodes, they'll finish their season with the 11th one.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:55 p.m. CST

    I thought "Beowulf" would be rated R, not PG-13!

    by MrMysteryGuest

    I heard about all the violence and nuditity in the movie, but I was surprised the MPAA gave this thing a PG-13. Ah, least horny teenagers get to see a nekkid Angelina Jolie! ;P

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 10:59 p.m. CST

    That review

    by gengrievous82

    pretty much sealed my original decision in not going to see this. First it was the lame ass performance capture that still doesn't look right. The 300-esque inspired "I AM BEOWULF!" line. And XiMan's lame review. Sorry, but computers can't do animation all by themselves. They are tools for augmenting a movie with VFX. Not insta-movie-matics. XiMan mentions Gollum's performance in, what he calls, his review. Yes, Gollum was motion captured, but only partially. A lot of his performance was augmented with traditional keyframed animation. That's why his performance was a success.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:03 p.m. CST

    I will not be happy...

    by NubtheSquirrel

    Until Neil Cumpston reviews the flick. I don't think anything more needs to be said. Here's hoping the flick is as good as it looks...

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:07 p.m. CST


    by XiMan do I say this delicately.... UR WEIRD! LMAO!! There is nothing in my review that anyone involved in the production could only know. <p> But it's okay...keep trying to convince yourself that I'm a plant (though you should know that you wreak of a secret love for this film). I love the way you guys think studios care and plan these "plants" so methodically, LOL! It's hilarious. Like when you noticed how I summarized the last act in "two paragraphs". I was actually tired of typing, LOL! Losers... : )

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:10 p.m. CST

    Be a Smart Plant

    by JaPra

    what's so funny is how "hip" this planter tries to be while describing this film. C'mon, do better then this. We're not stupid, we're just overzealous :)

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:19 p.m. CST

    There are NO plants in the movie!

    by Bob Cryptonight

    Jolie has no bush.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:21 p.m. CST


    by joshua

    I mean come on.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:29 p.m. CST

    why is it reviews from LA screenings...

    by chaplinatemyshoe

    always strike me as plants?

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:30 p.m. CST

    Well, he's either a plant

    by veritasses

    or a person who needs to learn how to write a good review. I don't mean to be cruel to Ximan if he's legit but he ought'a know that that's the type of "positive review" that serves to drive people away from the theatres.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:31 p.m. CST

    Damn you, Michael BayOwulf!

    by thebearovingian


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:33 p.m. CST

    Damn, I wonder if PLANTS will have to honor the WGA strike?

    by Harry Weinstein


  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:36 p.m. CST


    by Harry Weinstein

    Let's get the terminology correct, folks. The R isn't silent.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:36 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    But that's what's so funny... Why do I have to write a "good review"? I write what I want to write. I wasn't trying to impress the AICN talkbackers. I did like the fact that I was the first to review it though : )

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:39 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Director Planto: "XiMan, it is IMPERATIVE that you don't disclose where you saw the film (the PA Lot!) and that you don't say all positive things -- this is PLANTOLOGY 101 -- You MUST say bad things too..." <p> XiMan: "....DUH!"

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:41 p.m. CST

    OK, OK, OK -- I'M A PLANT!!!

    by XiMan

    NOW WHAT?????... LOL!!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:42 p.m. CST


    by Darwyn

    If you aren't a plant, I have a suggestion to get the truth across more effectively - stop fucking LOLing. No one but nervous laughers and adolescent boys from bad commercials laugh that much. Frankly, it's debatable whether one should even put one LOL after their own comment, let alone forty-three and 17 exlamation points. It's like someone who tells a bad joke then laughs because no one else will, it's a little pathetic. Unless you are coked up or bi-polar, just talk how you think, and people might start taking you seriously. I'm just looking out for your back Bro-ham; fo shizzle

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:42 p.m. CST

    XiMan hang in there, dude

    by Sir Loin

    I don't care if you're a plant or not at this point, the basement-dwellers are out at this point and have nothing better to do but make fun of you to try and make themselves feel masculine. I'll be seeing the movie regardless, "dead" CGI eyeballs and all. Woo!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:43 p.m. CST

    The lead character looks kinda gay...

    by Fa Fa Fooey

    Not that there's anything WRONG with that.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:44 p.m. CST

    Beowulf: Polar Express Boogaloo

    by Fa Fa Fooey

    Visual effects look strange and creepy.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:44 p.m. CST

    Sir Loin

    by XiMan

    Thanks,LOL!!!!!!!!! *really laughing out lound*... Sorry, I can't resist!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:45 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! <P> Just for you... ; )

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:46 p.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Go on, ask me all the questions you've ever wanted to ask a plant... Don't be bashful either... FA SHIZZLE! LOL!!!

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:51 p.m. CST

    you morons have to admit he's been a good sport

    by Sir Loin

    All this buffoonery and he's still posting. If he's a plant, he's a GREAT one and entertaining at that. If he's not, well he just cares enough to keep going despite the talkback haranguing. Give him credit for that, at least.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:53 p.m. CST

    "Planty McPlantson" Ha Ha. I like that one.

    by Fa Fa Fooey

    That should be the standard term for a plant, like Alan Smithee or something.

  • Nov. 2, 2007, 11:56 p.m. CST

    G@BRlEL.GRAY is gay

    by BrightEyes

    but in the "Lame" way.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:05 a.m. CST

    I'll answer anyone's questions...

    by XiMan

    except G@briel.Gray... <p> But I am getting sleepy, lol. *Sorry for the lol*

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:07 a.m. CST

    BTW -- I'M STILL HERE B/C...

    by XiMan

    THIS COULD BE MY ONLY CLAIM TO FAME! <P> And it's also a stipulation in my Plant contract, LOL!

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:07 a.m. CST

    good comeback

    by BrightEyes

    well thought out Gabriel GAY!!!!!

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:08 a.m. CST

    The bigger/more blatant a lie, the more people will believe it.

    by BMacSmith

    you nazi plant!!!

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:08 a.m. CST

    I am Ron Burgundy XiMan Plant???

    by XiMan


  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:11 a.m. CST


    by Napoleon Park

    Somebody - Chuck Austen, I think - did an X-men parody comic called "Xmen" (without the hyphen, and with a parentetical note next to the logo saying it was pronounced "Schmen".)<p>but "Ximen"? How can I trust a review from someone called "Semen"? Unless it's a review of a navy picture or gay porn.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:19 a.m. CST

    Scott Baio-wolf...

    by Fa Fa Fooey

    Sorry, it was right there, I took it.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:28 a.m. CST

    Plants should be ridiculed mercilessly. Dont give them any respe

    by BMacSmith

    they dont deserve it. and Harry knows its a plant but he's already decided (or got payed) to like this movie. I will bet any man here $1000 vs your $100 that Harry gives a positive review of this flick

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:31 a.m. CST


    by Tourist

    ...You are either a retard or a plant. What would you prefer? If you are indeed a struggling screen writer, you should euthanise your dreams right now. Watching someone afflicted with your intellect attempt to piece together an entertaining work of art would be akin to watching Stevie Wonder target shoot. I'm don't wish to be cruel, but a supposedly 26 year old man who communicates like a particuarly dumb 12 year old girl deserves to be clubbed to death and left in a ditch. By the way, I know it must have been a very difficult question to wrap your head around, since you side stepped it before, but what are some other films you would put in the masterpiece bucket? See if you can respond to that enquiry with movie titles, and not some indecipherable garbled nonsense about shot structure and score and "SCORE!". *seriously laughing at the fact that fate didn't see fit to strike down Ximans mother with AIDS so she wouldn't have had the chance to inflict her fucking subhuman shit stain of a son on us*

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:31 a.m. CST

    Texas Chainsaaw 2

    by BrightEyes

    had the best ending EVER

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:36 a.m. CST

    Dunno...Neil Gaiman wrote the script, which reads quite amazingl

    by Negative Man

    <p>...I've been called a plant on posted reviews under this and previous TB-names, so I always hate screaming 'plant' because someone loves something. The general mob mentality of Talk Backs is pretty funny. If a reviewer hates a movie they are either a 'hater' or an idiot. If they like or love a movie, then they must be a plant or an idiot.</p><p>Personally, I'm looking forward to Beowulf. It's one of my favorite stories and Gaiman wrote a knockout script. Many of the stills look amazing and Crispin Glover plays you know that will be interesting.</p>

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:38 a.m. CST


    by sleepyvillain

    LOL !!!

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:03 a.m. CST

    Not going to say PLANT

    by Wed Vid Guy

    But that was a very enthusiastic review there

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:06 a.m. CST

    Negative Man

    by Bloo

    well that means that we think most reviewers are well...idiots...take that as it is

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:08 a.m. CST


    by XiMan

    SCORE, LOL!!!!!!!!!

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:14 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Holy shit I just witnessed a gang rape where the victim successfully fought back. Plant, I salute you! LOLOOOLLLLOL

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:16 a.m. CST

    Thanks BringingSexyBack

    by XiMan

    PLANTS RULE!!!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!! *this is a real laugh* <p> P.S.--I'm drinking...

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:21 a.m. CST


    by aicndoesntwantmorecowbell

    im sorry i can just tell even if its critical loved its still goning to be a huge flop.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:22 a.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Watch it in 3d and digital if you can... It's the only way I'll see it again...

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:29 a.m. CST

    Ximan -

    by Darwyn

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:33 a.m. CST

    Textspeak is for morons

    by ErnieAnderson

    That is all.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:34 a.m. CST

    Serious TBers cannot use "LOL", but "pwn" is ok?

    by chromedome complicated, all these rules.<p>I am a simple unfrozen caveman talkbacker; your modern fake words confuse and frighten me....

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:36 a.m. CST

    Textspeak is for morons

    by ErnieAnderson

    And that means you, XiMan.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:37 a.m. CST


    by Darwyn

    I'd like to point out - A) I didn't call you a plant; I reserve that judgement because it's thrown around to much to mean anything; B) I too, respect you being a good sport; C) I'm genuinely curious, are you like a super enthusiastic person or something, like that Will Ferrel chearleader character from SNL? Because I'm not even trying to make fun of you at this point; but really - knowing as you should that everyone on this site is "PLANT!" happy, what's with the fucking maniacal laughter? That said, thanks for giving me my own laugh.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:37 a.m. CST

    hey Deus Vult settle down...

    by DrBrianOblivion

    ..just because you probably went to an underfunded state university where you shot movies on mini dv dont take it out on us...were not the ones selling insurance.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:43 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Enjoy ..<p>

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:44 a.m. CST

    You Drove ximan to the Bottle talkbackers

    by BrightEyes

    are you all happy

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:45 a.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Sorry... I was still in TB attack mode (lol)... You didn't call me a plant, and I respect that. Re: LOL'S. I really think that I'm the funniest person I know (if you met me, you'd probably agree). <p> But I really write as I feel (even when I review), and the truth is that the film (or maybe the entire experience) made me really excited to tell people about it... <p> Ur welcome for the good laugh! This LOL's for you! : )

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:49 a.m. CST

    that review is hilarious...

    by slappy jones

    did anyone see the first episode of on the lot and that guy acted out his pitch "ninja star to the face"..anyone? well this review....exactly like that.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:54 a.m. CST

    good review

    by second cousin of phartegod


  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:56 a.m. CST

    and Flames on Optimus = G@BRIEL GREY = SECOND SEASON OF HEROES

    by second cousin of phartegod

    I needed to get that out of my system BTW, good show XiMan, jolly good

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 2:01 a.m. CST


    by XiMan

    No more "OSCAR CALIBER" in your reviews... Apparently, this is cheezy... Pass on to the other Plants from Planet Plantonium...

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 2:08 a.m. CST

    well....your right except for one thing

    by second cousin of phartegod

    around this here parts, a masterpice usually constitutes to Phantoms cos Ben Affleck was the bomb in that, yo!!!11!

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 2:08 a.m. CST


    by second cousin of phartegod


  • Nov. 3, 2007, 2:25 a.m. CST

    Still sounds like shit on a stick to me

    by vezner2007

    I'll pass on this one thanks.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 2:40 a.m. CST

    Greatest plant evar! Cooch!

    by Captain Internet Sellout

    We should make a "cooch" award for plants from here on out.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:01 a.m. CST

    XiMan, forget screenwriting...

    by Anti-fanboy

    Your real talent is in writing plant reviews that REALLY sound like plant reviews... and then sounding even more plant-like in your TB posts. Don't know where that leaves you career-wise, though, since plants aren't supposed to sound like plants, which you do, more than any other plant reviewer I've ever read... except maybe that guy that thought things were "cool as balls"... Maybe you just need your own gay catchphrase. Something like, "sweet as balljuice"... yeah, that could work. Anyway, good luck sounding less plant-like in the future.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:19 a.m. CST

    Ximan got served by Anti-Fanboy

    by F-1000

    Anti-Fanboy, you are awarded one million of my personal hard-earned internets, for describing your own and my sentiments exactly. And thusly pwning Ximan handily. Well played good sir. Bravo.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:26 a.m. CST


    by F-1000


  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:29 a.m. CST


    by F-1000

    Beat you to it Ximan. Your research is all for naught. Although, I am surprised you haven't researched talkbacks more thoroughly than you have. After all, it is your job to be up on all the "hip" phrases, as a plant, no?

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:37 a.m. CST

    I totally thought that XiMan was lying, but Morarity liked it, s

    by second cousin of phartegod

    I'm serious. This is my serious face 1=(

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:39 a.m. CST

    moriarity liked it, so I guess it's ok...

    by second cousin of phartegod

    I'm sure Kurt Russell did too

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:39 a.m. CST

    moriarity liked it, so I guess it's ok...

    by second cousin of phartegod

    I'm sure Kurt Russell did too

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:54 a.m. CST

    Zemekis has the potential to make masterpieces...

    by Shady Drifter

    ... just still not convinced it's this one. Nevertheless his films are very often worth every penny of the ticket, so I'll surely check it out. The trailer didn't make me too excited though. We'll see.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 4:18 a.m. CST

    Kurt Russell was laughing in the cinema...

    by Shady Drifter

    ... but then some short blonde chick from New Zealand slapped him around and he ran off crying.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 4:22 a.m. CST


    by second cousin of phartegod

    a group of satanically possessed woodland creatures ass rammed kurt russell to death

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 4:22 a.m. CST

    God Forbid

    by dogstar69

    Anyone actually liking a film on this site...

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 4:25 a.m. CST

    He smells very plantish.

    by theonecalledshoe

    Though I wish guys and gals at the lucasfarm would get to work on smell-o-vision. This is the future damnit, I'd like to see some real bigtime tech. This technology would be be good for finding out what Jolie smells like... cause inquiring minds inquire ya' know.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 4:26 a.m. CST

    that will be the day

    by second cousin of phartegod

    BTW I liked Spider-Man 3

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 4:41 a.m. CST

    but hey dont be hating on XiMan

    by second cousin of phartegod

    He's a very articulate fellow, who has excellent taste in the annals of post-modern cinema. Namely, the Will Smith classic "The Wild Wild West" is what XiMan and I consider to be a fine addition to these annals. XiMan and myself are both from the area that is known as the streets, which apparently is where Jon Peters is also from. It is from the streets that we learned our own unique dialect. This dialect is quite commonly known as "INTARN3T5 5P33K" and is a very challenging dialect to perfect. This is due to the complex structure of sentences, noun/pronoun relationship, and the subject/predicate relationship. Here is an example: "OMG BEOWULFS WAS LIKE TEH UBER MOST EXTREME MOVIE YOU WILL EVER FUCKING SEE THIS YEAR!!!!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!"

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 5:28 a.m. CST

    That review sounds utterly contrived...PLANT!

    by KillaKane

    I'm sure it's a decent enough film, but that sounded like veiled marketing hype.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 7:09 a.m. CST


    by Pound Sand

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 7:35 a.m. CST


    by William Landis

    Simple as.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 7:50 a.m. CST

    "Tourist" is Christopher Nolan enjoying TDK downtime

    by William Landis

    Re-read his post and tell me it's not true.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 8:16 a.m. CST


    by ironic_name

    ximan's not a plant.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 8:29 a.m. CST


    by kwisatzhaderach

    encapsulates everything I hate about 21st century Hollywood.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 9:21 a.m. CST

    If Frank Oz would not get

    by tme2nsb

    nominated for his portrayal of Yoda in Empire, (as the academy REFUSED TO), then these "actors" won't be either. And damn it people, stop watering this plant, as it's just growing even more...

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 9:27 a.m. CST

    Note to BSB:

    by DocPazuzu

    When you've got a dozen or so unrelenting cocks jammed into every orifice of your body - some of which didn't even exist earlier - and you're being bukkaked harder than the lead in a John Thompson epic, it takes a bit more than repeatedly shouting "LOLOLOL!!!!" for it to be considered "successfully fighting back" during a gang rape.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 10:14 a.m. CST


    by future help


  • Nov. 3, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Sorry but I gotta give credit to Ximan, he rolled with the punches pretty good, earning even Gabriel Grey's respect. On the surface, his review is one of the plantiest ever posted, I agree with you on that. But are you not even partially convinced that he was just excited about this movie and tried his best to convey it? I know his grammar and spelling are too good to be true, but maybe we're just jaded by txtspk.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 10:59 a.m. CST

    so it's Polar Express

    by chrisco

    with dragons?

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Polar Express with orgys?

    by artyfufkin

    Is this the future of film? I bloody well hope not, as I live in South East Asia and get all my films for next to nothing. So it would be a bitch if Hollywood started churning out slippery brown turds like this'un. You lazy pricks.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Talkbackers... when will you wise up????

    by cinematicrex

    As someone said "Harry how can you allow this plant"... well being a working director it's been a well known fact in the industry that Harry has been in bed with the studios for years although he picks carefully his "beds" so of course he'll allow a plant here in there... but with all the access he and his staff has to information/screenings/special interviews and gifts it makes me wonder if sometimes they all have some bit of "miracle grow" with their breakfasts...

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 12:54 p.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    XiMan's plantiness aside, this is a great TalkBack. Reminds me of the good ones of yesteryear before the age of multi-post spam.<P>And poor GG. I think he's been banned now more times than JJ4P.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    109th BAN???!!!

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Why is that, Gabriel?

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:08 p.m. CST


    by XiMan


  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:11 p.m. CST

    I AM...

    by XiMan


  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:17 p.m. CST

    Gotta Run, but...

    by XiMan

    Please keep the TB going... I'LL BE BACK {in 14yo's voice, impersonating Arnold}...

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:21 p.m. CST

    Indiana Jones and The Beowulf Plant

    by BetaRayBill07

    You knew it was coming.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:25 p.m. CST

    Well, Gabriel Gray...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius's kind of hard to assess just how "groovy" you are when when your post record gets deleted everytime you're banned. This makes your claims of fame highly dubious.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:44 p.m. CST

    Certainly looks like your name was deleated...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius me. But I noticed that you now have an "L" where the "I" should be. That's pretty clever.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:45 p.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    That's "deleted".

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 1:54 p.m. CST

    Well, not the "name" per se.

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    But the many different variations...sure.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 2:33 p.m. CST

    Plant or retard, you decide

    by Doc_McCoy

    Either way, I don't believe for a second this movie will be good. It's also guaranteed to tank. Is there any doubt why XiMan is struggling in his chosen profession?

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 2:57 p.m. CST

    I am Ripper! Tearer! Slasher!

    by Dreadlock Holmes

    And i am so seeing this when it comes out!

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:38 p.m. CST


    by second cousin of phartegod

    Why must you suck the joy that exists within innocents such as XiMan. Sure, his lack of variety and overall naiveness may be contributing factors to why he may be or is what you would describe to be a PLANT. But, in spite of all this, XiMan has been able to keep his guard and overall mood up in a very positive sense. Even I would admit to have been making fun of this potential PLANT, but never would I go to the point of sucking the energy and life out of this very lively yet slightly slow fellow. I always believed in the phrase "ignorance is bliss", and I must say, I would rather be a naive yet very satisfied PLANT, than a bitter, narrow minded, megaton bag of douche who sucks the energy out of anyone who struts along his set path, giving him more energy to convert into negativity. Plus it seems that you are a fan of a TV show that is slowly deteriorating due to shitty writing. Good day.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 3:41 p.m. CST

    are they even trying realistic CGI?

    by Prossor

    the CGI in beowulf is so blatant, like one of those computer animated kid shows.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 4:25 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    and Angelina's vulva?

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 5:17 p.m. CST

    second cousin of phartegod

    by XiMan

    THX, but again...I AM NOT A PLANT! I thought Mororiarty cleared this up?

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 7:25 p.m. CST


    by second cousin of phartegod

    I know, I'm just giving you hard time mate =D, but yes, I commend you for all that you have done so far. I truly, truly appreciate your steadfast and enthusiastic approach so far. Especially here in AICN where negativity is existent in 80% of the talkbacks.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 7:25 p.m. CST


    by second cousin of phartegod

    I know, I'm just giving you hard time mate =D, but yes, I commend you for all that you have done so far. I truly, truly appreciate your steadfast and enthusiastic approach so far. Especially here in AICN where negativity is existent in 80% of the talkbacks.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 7:25 p.m. CST


    by second cousin of phartegod

    I know, I'm just giving you hard time mate =D, but yes, I commend you for all that you have done so far. I truly, truly appreciate your steadfast and enthusiastic approach so far. Especially here in AICN where negativity is existent in 80% of the talkbacks.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 7:25 p.m. CST


    by second cousin of phartegod

    I know, I'm just giving you hard time mate =D, but yes, I commend you for all that you have done so far. I truly, truly appreciate your steadfast and enthusiastic approach so far. Especially here in AICN where negativity is existent in 80% of the talkbacks.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 7:26 p.m. CST


    by second cousin of phartegod

    I'm sorry for that multi post, the internet is something that I often like to call shitty.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 10:50 p.m. CST

    It looks like a lifeless 80's videogame

    by skiff

    does not interest me in the least. It is also paramount the people who killed startrek they have no taste.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 11:35 p.m. CST


    by DickGrayson007

    This guy hoped Ximan's mom got AIDS? That's extreme. But really, whether you believe he's a plant or not, do you really let reviews decide if your going to see a movie or not? I don't.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 11:46 p.m. CST


    by superzero

    OK... A. BEOWULF, next to maybe Jesus, is like THE first superhero ever. I find it extremely hard to believe that BEOWULF has only made it into 3 movies, four if you count the 13th warrior (look it up if you don't believe me.) and this one BY FAR looks to be the closest and most FAITHFUL adaptation of the story EVER. Or am I the only person who remembers the abortion that was the "sci-fi" version with Cristopher Lambert? B. Maybe he is a plant maybe he isn't. Who gives a flying fuck at a rolling donut? I don't. I have a mind of my own, money, and a love of mythology, past and present. I, the CONSUMER, decide how much money this movie will make. Not a bunch of whiny obsessive retards. C. I like these types of movies and obsessing over them because I'm a geek. I'll like any movie with the words "spider-man" in it even IF the writing was bad. Cause hey, let's face it, we should be GLAD that they can FINALLY make a movie about spider-man and Beowulf, and the JLA, and Iron Man, etc etc... D. maybe I'M a plant.

  • Nov. 3, 2007, 11:48 p.m. CST


    by superzero

    look up superzerosix on myspace for more geek fun.

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 2:29 a.m. CST

    i hate people who "LOL" their way out of a situation

    by DarthBakpao

    "LOL" is officially an annoying acronym and should be banned from any usages

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 8:11 a.m. CST

    Well I've seen trailers and I've seen clips...

    by Fist Dirtbox

    and quite honestly, judging from that evidence I think Beowulf looks SHIT. What's strange is that I genuinely LIKE CG -thats what working in the videogame industry for years does for you. I appreciate what a great creative tool it is, and while I'm fond of old-skool Harryhausen/O'Brien stop motion goodness I'm not got my head stuck so far up my nostalgic ass that I'm calling their brand of fakery more convincingly "real-looking" than the computer generated stuff. Thing is about Beowulf, it looks to me like an unholy cross of the worst aspects of the two schools. Grendel looks like some kind of claymation creation, while the rest of the characters seem to have stumbled in from a technical adept but artistically soulless PS2 cut-scene. It looks ugly and fake-looking to me. I've no doubt that Grendel & Beowulf is a great story and worthy of a cinematic outing, but honestly when I actively HATE how every frame looks I'm going to have a helluva time getting past that.

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 9:27 a.m. CST

    Fist Dirtbox

    by mrbonefish

    I completely agree with you. Signed. The Polar Express had the same fake look that I considered to be unwatchable.

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 9:31 a.m. CST


    by XiMan

    LOL! on the "deplanting" *really, I laughed out loud*

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 9:33 a.m. CST

    second cousin of phartegod

    by XiMan

    Thanks for giving me props, yo! *LOL* (still can't resist)

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 9:45 a.m. CST

    The Wizard of Speed & Time is an effing masterpiece! LOL!

    by uppercanuck

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 12:58 p.m. CST

    What Lies Beneath score?

    by Ghostwood

    Who the hell EVEN remembers that movie, let alone the score? Not even the composer remembers the score. But thanks for reiterating that 3D nature of the credits. I didn't get it the first six times.

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 2:23 p.m. CST

    Looks promising...

    by GaiustheBrave

    As to the person who said that TB'ers influence box office, ergo the plant opportunities available at all the major studios, and used Spider-Man 3 as an example, I would point out that it still made 336 million, making it, I believe, the top-grossing movie of the year. What that means is that whiny geeks don't have the last say on what succeeds and what doesn't at the box office. Calling every extremely positive review a plant helps us locate the center of the universe in your mind. The review wasn't perfect, but it did encourage me to want to see the film. On a side note, how under-developed can a civilization be when even cartoon boobies are a draw? I'll refrain from judging until I see how life-like they are.

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 3:13 p.m. CST

    I hate the word Plant.....

    by D o o d

    but you have to admit that's a blatant marketting review by the studio or someone connected to the movie. I've seen the trailers and there's no way there are any oscar worthy performances in here. However, I do like zemekis's work and he is truly a genius.

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 3:17 p.m. CST

    Harry... hire an editor. This site gets worse by the day

    by metaluna

    This is nuts. What next?

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Wow... and the New York Times hasn't snapped this guy up yet?

    by FlickaPoo

    Seriously... I mean, this review! Wow! OK, man, you have GOT to reign in your use of the exclamation point... and if you're going to say... TWICE... that performances are Oscar-worthy, you had BETTER back that shit up with specifics. Oh, and learn to spell. PLEASE. Bad spelling is to writing what having your fly down is to dressing: just plain sloppy.

  • Nov. 4, 2007, 8:51 p.m. CST

    Oh your god, have I missed this month's PLANTstorm?

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    Indeed, the deciduous leaves here are scattering to all corners of the land. Hmm, have the studios made some progress here in their training programme? We have a plant that engages talkbackers, rather than run and hide as per usual (no doubt to mourn the loss of past $500 dollars for Abject Failure to Convince the Talkbackers). I can just see it now--the plant has been discovered, so, sitting at his computer, sweating, stomata thick with perspiration as he recounts the infamous fates of those who came before ("Fat Kids Chest Bumping, Fat Kids Chest Bumping!" Echoes through his consciousness like a prophecy of doom), in a last-ditch fury of desperation he manically goes Yeah, I'm a plant *OH MY GOD I'M SO LIKE LAUGHING RIGHT NOW, OH, ME, A PLANT, OH, OH THE THOUGHT...THE VERY THOUGHT LOLOLOLOL!" clicks the Post Talkback button, and waits...and watches, his beady green light-sensitive sensory apparatus focused with a primordial intensity on the talkback reactions, so as to ascertain the success or failure of the aforementioned reverse psychology thus employed, as he hopes, and prays to the spirit of the Mighty Ginkgo Tree (May its ancient leafiness reign forever), for the success of his last-ditch attempt to preserve authenticity cast thus into the talkback ether, the consequences nothing less than a sweet 500 dollar check made out in his name--If only...if only...if only they...believe...

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:04 a.m. CST


    by XiMan

    Hasn't Mori already shut you down??? Fucking 'tard! LOL!!!

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:08 a.m. CST

    'Cholera's Ghost...LMFAO AT YOU!!!

    by XiMan

    Seriously, re-read what you wrote... See how sad you are??? No??? Read it again, LOL!!! That shit is so cluttered, complicated, conspiracized (if that's even a fuckin word) and reverse-reverse psyched out that even you can't explain it. When the truth is that I'm not a plant. But you...Oh, poor little you. You really think you're on to something. The only person you're convincing is yourself. And that's fuckin PATHETHIC! LOL!!! LMAO!!! AT YOU!!! LOL!!! *not really laughing b/c, again, you're pathetic. <p> PS -- I OWN THIS TALKBACK BITCHES!!! LOL! *I chuckled that time*

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 2:20 a.m. CST


    by XiMan

    I agree with you. REALLY. I read the review now and it wreaks of amateurism -- especially in regards to what's Oscar Caliber. I was just floored by the perfs, specifically Gleeson, Winstone, Malkovich and Hopkins. And Jolie's voice is the most powerful of them all. But lesson learned. <p> Don't count me out NY Times!!!

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 9:03 a.m. CST

    Animation? Really?

    by HoldynTwyst

    Animation means bringing something to life. All of this elaborate Mo-Cap isn't animation, it's not even puppeteering, it's hanging a digital puppet over the top of an actor, and like the prosthetics in Planet of the Apes, that extra level of crap being worn by the actors only mutes their performance. Animation needs to be abstracted to mean anything, and the poetry of animation is in its invention as an animator communicating with an an audience through an understanding of movement. This may have modelers and riggers and lighters and texturers and many intelligent, hard-working craftsmen involved, but this isn't animation. If Beowulf wins an Oscar in the animation category this year, I hope at least a few people there are moved to boo.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 11:17 a.m. CST

    I re-read it XiMan. I kind of liked it.

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    Anyway, let me recount here what just took place on your end *ahem* [studio middle manager bursts through XiMan's door] "XiMaaaAAN! The talkbackers aren't buying it! Did you read what this cholera asshole posted? It nailed you, Colbert style!" "Sir, I'm doing the best I can. The reverse double bluff reverse psychology I employed had most of them going, it was only a matter of time before the tide turned and suspicions of my true nature placated!" "Well, XiMan, you better do something about this latest post, or you're getting Nothing! NOTHING!" "I will sir. Hold on. I'll just, uh, oh god...what do talkbackers do when they really want to pwn somebody...Sir, I need help!" "Studio Guy: Alright, XiMan, I'm getting you in touch with FKCBP, the Fast Kids Chest Bumping Plant from X3. He'll know what to do!"..."FKCBP: This is FKCBP, awaiting command." "Ximan: I just got my reverse psychology totally uprooted by this talkbacker. He--he must be some kind of genius! I don’t know what to do!" "Don't worry, XiMan, here's what you do. First, you must LMFAO at him! Put it right there in the subject line." "Okay just a sec...(type type type). Okay, done." "Now, you must discredit his post. Call it, it convoluted and complicated, that will make people not want to read it. Okay, now, call it 'conspiricized'. "Is that even a word, FKCBP?" "Just do it!" "Okay, okay. (secretly types his own doubts about the legitimacy of the word)" "Now, XiMan, you must do what all talkbackers do to isolate and psychologically destroy opponents--you must say he's only convincing himself, and that he's pathetic. Really pathetic. Get pathetic in there quite a few times." "Alright, thanks Fast Kids Chest Bumping Plant, I think I have something here. Something that will knock this guy RIGHT ON HIS ASS." ... Fin.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 11:20 a.m. CST

    That was supposed to be "Fat" kids

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    For anyone that missed that talkback.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 12:35 p.m. CST

    In the tentative but sincere spirit of comraderie, XiMan

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    Let me say this. If you're just a guy who got really excited about Beowulf, with nothing but the sincerest intentions, then I hold no ill will, but must say it would be in your best interest to review previous Planty McPlantypants posts, and learn to avoid their mistakes. Same holds true if you're a plant--read through past planty reviews and keep up the plant work, because someday, in time, you may make a serviceable plant, and get that 500 dollar check. I think the major mistake the studios are making is that when one plant fails they get someone else, a new, fresh green plant who has not gone through having a review seen through and eviscerated, and inevitably makes the same mistakes because they don't have the benefit of experience. P.S. I'm probably going to see Beowulf anyway.

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 1:34 p.m. CST

    'Cholera's Ghost...

    by XiMan

    You're cracking... I can already tell that you don't really believe I'm a plant. Thanks in advance. <p> BTW: THAT SCENARIO YOU TYPED REALLY HAD ME LOL'ING!!! *seriously* Great writing. Are you a struggling screenwriter too???

  • Nov. 5, 2007, 4:08 p.m. CST

    XIMAN is a SHILL. This flick is WANK.

    by catlettuce4

    It's first act is literally a half-hour Austin Powers dick joke. If you're into digital Man-Ass this flick is for you. The Third act is a Playstation Boss battle. The second act was actually watchable, but you've got all this shit in your mouth from the first hour, it's hard to forgive. The audience was laughing at the film, not with it. Beowulf also steals one of it's more traumatic scenes from the opening of Braveheart, and half the time it looks like outakes from Shrek 2. HARRY, are you taking payola? Get honest reviewers and nix studio plants. If you know all this going in, you may have a laugh... but this "EPIC" has got some serious problems. I AM BEOWULPhhhhhtttt!

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 4:34 p.m. CST

    XiMan's not alone in thinking BEST PICTURE

    by XiMan

    This from Boston Herald's Stephen Schaefer: Seeing is believing with Robert Zemeckis’ mighty, monumental “Beowulf,” which opens Nov. 16. This extravagant adaptation of the epic poem about a cursed kingdom invents a 6th century A.D. Denmark that is so richly detailed, romantic and engrossing it’s like seeing the Prince Valiant comic strip brought to blazing, 3-D life, a childhood fantasy realized in such a complete way you’re stupefied with delight. Using the motion capture technique that “Lord of the Flies” managed to create the lisping monster Gollum and that Zemeckis employed on the saccharine “Polar Express,” “Beowulf” is nothing less than an immersion into a world that is somehow familiar – they live in a harsh climate like Boston, they drink mead, get drunk and pass out, they have a wife and a mistress – and totally strange with its demons that morph into flying dragons, sea monsters that can be slain by blond Beowulf, a hero for all times. The fight scenes are startling, not the least because like “Eastern Empires” Beowulf is nude as he takes on Grendel in mano a mano to-the-death combat. The homoeroticism, a friend said, outdoes Gerald Butler’s “300” by “500.” Ray Winstone may look nothing like this sleek god-like warrior but he sounds perfect. The cast includes a brilliantly underplayed aging king by Anthony Hopkins, a Bette Davis-style villain in John Malkovich and Angelina Jolie’s siren, a shape-changing seriously seductive sylph who gets a laugh in her six-inch heels. Big Oscar Question: Is this in the running for Best Picture or Best Animated Feature?

  • Nov. 6, 2007, 7:13 p.m. CST

    Jeffrey Wells also says: "BEST PICTURE"

    by XiMan

    "I'm not a huge fan of this type of film -- animated sword-brandishing brawny heroes on mighty steeds fighting dragons, etc. -- but Beowulf is really and truly something else. For me it's a new permutation of movie thrills along with an underlying adult intrigue -- a sense of spiritual complexity and even existential angst -- that fortifies thematically. <p> "I found it far more exciting and complex in every respect than 300, a homoerotic meathead flick that I pretty much hated. Beowulf, however, is a fascinating story about a hero with feet of clay made into the most visually arresting and exciting adventure of this type I've ever seen. <p> "I was open-mouthed with awe at the amazing clarity of the 3-D aspects alone. Did Zemeckis really say that 'to call performance-capture animation is a disservice to the great animators'? Is he nuts? This film is obviously animated through and through. It deserves the Best Feature Animation Oscar, bar none. I don't care what anyone says -- this is not live-action except in the most rudimentary sense of the physical acting aspects, which represent, in my view, a relatively small portion of the whole. <p>